Change
Part 4

Shortly after the accident Justin and I went looking for a new car. I insisted on another Escalade but he wanted something else. I could understand his point of view in that he’d had an accident driving the Escalade and so he wanted to go with something different. We argued about it for a while before I finally made my point clear in a way I wanted to avoid.

“Justin, the car was completely totaled and yet you got out of there with only four stitches. You could have been killed but you weren’t. It proves that it’s one of the fucking safest cars on the road.” After that statement who could argue? So we got another Escalade. This time we got a blue one. Debbie loved it. The insurance money from the accident was more than enough to cover the new car, using the rest to pay a year’s worth of insurance in advance.

Now then, this might sound a little crazy for me but I don’t care. Shortly after the accident I went into a church to pray. I hadn’t done that in a long time but I felt the need to given that Justin had survived. The old me would have just been thankful for the safety features in the car. I would have said that’s what did it. But the new me realized that there was possibly a higher power involved. So I went to the only Catholic Church in the city of Pittsburgh that I was familiar with. My mother’s church.

I was sitting in one of the pews with my head bowed and my hands folded, on my knees and thanking God. After I finished praying I got up and went over to light two candles. While I was doing that I heard a noise from near the pulpit so I looked up and there was Reverend Tom. He looked a little surprised to see me, which was expected. I finished lighting the candles, made the sign of the cross and turned to look at him as he rearranged papers in the pulpit.

“Morning.” I said quietly. I usually didn’t speak softly in church, but it was a sign of respect to do so and since I was there not to mock or because I was forced but to give respect, I did it.

“Morning.” He replied. He was quiet for a minute, then temptation got the best of him. “Why are you here?”

“I owe the big guy.” I said, motioning upward with my head. He raised an eyebrow at me waiting for an explanation so I decided to give it. “Justin was in an accident. The car was totaled but he got out of it in one piece. Don’t think the man made safety features are completely responsible for that.”

“Justin……oh yes, that young man you were with….”

“Am with, actually. Six years now. We’ve been committed and monogamous for the last three.”

“That’s great. And I’m glad he’s okay. It is a miracle that he survived if the car was as bad as you make it sound.” He said. I nodded in agreement.

“That’s why I’m here.”

“To give thanks.” It was said more than asked. I once again nodded.

“I don’t know what I’d do if I lost Justin….” My voice started to trail off and I could feel the sting of tears. Reverend Tom came over and stood beside me. We moved to the nearest pew and took a seat.

“You really love him.” Once again said more than asked.

“More than anything.” I closed my eyes for a minute and took a deep breath, trying to calm down. Reverend Tom put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed gently.

“Why did you wait until the church was empty? You could have come to the service this morning.” He smiled a little.

“Didn’t want to take a chance running into my mom.” I said and he nodded.

“Understandable, but there’s something you should know.”

“What’s that?”

“She doesn’t attend this church anymore. She found out some things about me that she didn’t like so she left. The congregation now is made up of open minded, tolerant, loving people. People who won’t judge you for your life style.”

“Because they don’t judge you for yours.” I looked him in the eye and he nodded.

“There are more of them out there than you think, Brian. The people at this church love the Lord and follow his teachings. They don’t prosecute anyone.” I could only nod to that, not sure what to say. “Why don’t you come to church next Sunday and see for yourself?” He smiled a little.

“I’ll think about it.” I then got up and held out my hand, which he shook. “It was nice talking to you.” I said.

“You too. You know you can always come to me if you need to talk.” He smiled again and I nodded, then turned and left the church. It was strange because I felt like something inside me had changed in that moment, but I wasn’t sure what it was.
 

*****

Justin

I was awakened by the alarm early on a Sunday morning and I wondered what the fuck was going on. When the alarm was turned off I just went back to sleep. After a couple of minutes I heard the shower running but again I ignored it. Finally the noise of Brian moving around the house kept me from sleeping enough that I got up. He was in the kitchen when I finally got out of bed. I was a little surprised to see him in the kitchen in one of his suits with a cup of coffee in his hand, reading through the newspaper.

“What’s up?” I asked, indicating the suit.

“Have somewhere I have to go.” He said without looking up.

“Where?” I was totally confused at this point.

“You won’t believe me if I tell you.” He said, still not looking up.

“Try me.” I prompted.

“Church.” He said, still keeping his eyes on the newspaper.

“Did you just say church?”

“Yes, I did.” He finally looked at me and I could tell he was totally serious.

“I thought you hated church.”

“I went to pray last week. It was gonna be a one time thing, just saying a quick thank you for sparing your life. I ran into Reverend Tom. He told me some things that make me interested in checking it out.”

“Things like what?”

“Like the fact that everybody found out he’s gay and a lot of the church members don’t care.” He went back to looking at his paper.

“So you’re gonna go check it out?”

“Yup. You could come with me if you want. There’s still time for you to shower and change.”

“No, that’s okay. I have to go into work anyway. At least for a little while.”

“Suit yourself.” He shrugged and folded the paper, finishing off his cup of coffee, then came over and gave me a quick kiss before leaving the house. I stood there in amazement wondering what the hell had happened to the Brian Kinney I once knew. It was then that I realized that even with all the changes he’d gone through over the past several years; I loved him no matter what. If he wanted to go to church more regularly now, then that was fine. Anything that made him happy was fine.
 

*****
 

Brian

After that first Sunday I started going to church on a regular basis. Every Sunday morning I would wake up around seven thirty, shower, shave, change, then eat breakfast and go to the nine o’clock service. Reverend Tom was right. The people there were friendly and none of them cared that I’m gay. They weren’t praying to save my soul from eternal damnation. Though it was the first time I’d gone to church willingly in my entire life and the first time I’d actually been in a long time, after a couple of Sundays of going I even started taking communion. Not every Sunday, mind you, but at least once a month.

Justin never once said a word to me about going to church. He never told any of our friends about it. When Debbie found out she was shocked but thrilled at the same time. She said that she knew that deep down inside me was a good Catholic boy just waiting to get out. I told her that her idea of a good Catholic boy and my mom’s idea of a good Catholic boy were two completely different things. She told me that was because my mom was a cold hearted, self-righteous bitch that would burn in hell for eternity before any of us.

“Thanks, Deb.” I said with a smile.

“You’re welcome, babe.”

“You know, you’re welcome to come with me if you want. There are a lot of moms there that could probably benefit from a meeting with the PFLAG Pittsburgh Chapter president.” I smiled a little.

“You know? I just might do that. Maybe Reverend Tom will make an announcement about the PFLAG meetings every other Tuesday.”

“Maybe he will.”

“You two are starting to creep me out.” Justin said as he walked into the middle of the conversation.

“And why is that, Sunshine?” She asked with her hands on her hips and I could only laugh.

“I just think it’s weird that suddenly you’re like best friends and you rarely talk to Michael. It’s almost like Brian has replaced him or something.”

“As much as I love Brian he could never replace my own flesh and blood. I do, however, like Brian more than Michael lately.” She shook her head and went upstairs to her room. I sighed and grabbed the newspaper, starting to read.

“Brian?” Justin sat down beside me and was speaking quietly. I could tell that he wanted something in his body language.

“Yeah?” I asked, though I was still reading the paper. It’s a nasty habit I have, not looking directly at someone while talking to them. I picked it up while I was growing up. If I looked at my dad while he was talking to me then he would see something in my eyes that I didn’t want him to see. That and the fact that since most of the time he didn’t want to talk to me he ignored me by pretending to read the paper while I was talking. It was, however, obvious that Justin wasn’t going to continue until I was looking at him so I very calmly folded the paper and put it on the coffee table before looking at him.

“I’ve been watching you with Gus and with Michelle and it’s just adorable when you play with them and the way Gus looks at you……it’s great.” He smiled but it was a half assed smile at best.

“But…..” I prompted, raising both eyebrows.

“But, when I watch you with Gus and with Michelle, I feel like……like something’s missing.” He looked down at his hands and started picking at his nails. It’s a habit he has when he wants something but he thinks I’m going to say no.

“You know that you are as much a father to Gus and Michelle I am, right?” I put my hand over his. He looked up at me and nodded at first but I knew what was coming so I said it with him.

“It’s just not the same.” He blushed a little when we said it simultaneously and I sighed a little, then moved some hair off his forehead.

“If it makes you feel any better, I know how you’re feeling. I hate it when Gus and Michelle have to go home. I wish we could take both of them full time, but we can’t.”

“I know.” He said with a nod, still looking down.

“There is something we can do, though.” I said and he looked up at me. I could tell he was trying very hard not to smile.

“Have our own?” He asked. When I nodded he broke out into a sunshine smile and I came very close to offering to carry the kid myself if it’d keep that smile on his face, but then I remembered the two a.m. feedings and the diapers and the teething and I got this cold pit in my stomach. I could barely handle that on the limited basis in which I was exposed to it with Gus. I knew I couldn’t handle it full time with a brand new baby in the house.

“Justin. I don’t know if I can handle a new born.” The smile faded just a little. I knew what he wanted. He wanted the same thing that I had with Gus. He wanted a child that was a mixture of his genes and someone else’s. His own little slice of immortality. “I’m sorry.” I said softly. He shook his head and ran his fingers through his hair.

“No, it’s okay. I understand. I mean…..you’re thirty-five years old now. And I do remember watching you trying to take care of Gus. But you’re a different person now, Brian.” He looked at me with a pleading expression.

“We’ll talk about it, okay?” I reached up and touched his cheek and the smile returned and my heart just melted. Maybe I could handle everything that came with having a newborn in the house.
 

*****
 

Justin

After talking about it for a couple of months, trying very hard not to let Debbie overhear us and put her two cents in, Brian and I finally agreed on getting a surrogate to carry a child for me. That’s when we encountered our problem. Finding a surrogate. I wanted someone that was close to both of us to carry the child. That narrowed it down to all of three women on the whole face of the earth that were still young enough to carry a kid: Lindsay, Melanie and Daphne.

Lindsay said that she was far too focused on her career to carry a child for us. I think she was just trying to get out of being pregnant again. Melanie said she’d be happy to carry a kid for us but a quick trip to the doctor eliminated her, as there had apparently been some unknown complications from her last pregnancy that would prevent her from ever having children again. So that left Daphne. She’d gotten married the year before but I thought maybe her husband would be understanding and let her help us out.

“Hey, Justin, what’s up?” She asked with a smile and a hug.

“I wanted to talk to you about something.” I returned both.

“Oh? What’s that?” She asked and we both sat down. She and her husband had a lovely home together not far outside town. It’d be perfect for the two of us to stay in contact and she could see the baby whenever she liked.

“Well, Brian and I want to have a baby.” I decided to just jump right in.

“Really? That’s great. So…are you adopting or what?”

“Well, actually we’re going to get a surrogate and I’m going to father the child.” She hugged me tight when I told her this.

“That’s wonderful! So, who’s going to be the mother?” She was bouncing and giddy again as if we were back in high school.

“Actually, I was wondering if you’d do it.” I kept the smile on my face though hers fell immediately.

“Justin….”

“I understand that you have to talk things over with your husband and you have to think about it and everything. I don’t need an answer right away.”

“Thanks but…..that’s not it. I mean…..Greg is an understanding guy and he loves you to death and would be more than happy to help out in any way…”

“But…”

“But…..I’m pregnant. I found out this morning. I was actually getting ready to call you when you showed up.” She gave me an apologetic look and I smiled as best I could, giving her a hug.

“That’s great. Congratulations.” It was very hard for me to really be happy for her even though I was.

“Justin, I know what being a father means to you. I’m really sorry. Are there any other options?”

“No.” I said, shaking my head. “Lindsay won’t and Melanie can’t so you were my last hope.”

“Justin, I’m so sorry.”

“You have no reason to be sorry, Daphne. It’s great that you’re pregnant. I really am happy for you.” I looked at my watch and stood. “I better get going. Brian’s waiting for me.”

“You’ll keep in touch, right?”

“Sure.” I nodded and kissed her cheek before walking out. I bit my lip in an attempt to keep from crying simply because I had to drive home and I wouldn’t be able to see through the tears. Apparently Justin Taylor was not meant to be a father.
 

*****
 

Brian

As soon as Justin walked in the door I immediately knew that something was wrong. He had that look on his face that said that he was trying to put on a brave front but inside he was just crumbling. My heart breaks every time I see that look and I always want to just go over to him and pull him into my arms and never let him go. I never do, though, because that’s not what he wants.

“She’s pregnant.” He said in way of explanation before going up to our room. I started to follow him but I heard the bedroom door shut when I was about halfway up the stairs so I turned around and went back into the living room. That’s about when Debbie came in from the grocery store. She had a lot of bags and I quietly helped her carry each of them inside.

“What’s wrong?” She asked as we were putting the food away.

“What makes you think anything’s wrong?”

“You’re not complaining about what I bought at the grocery store, something has to be wrong.” She smiled sadly and I looked at her. She was right. Every time Debbie went shopping I always complained about the shit she bought. It’s all fattening and bad for you. I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair.

“Daphne’s pregnant.”

“And this is a bad thing?” She asked. I’d forgotten at that moment that we hadn’t yet told Debbie our plans.

“Justin wants to be a father. He wants for himself what I have with Gus. The problem is that Linds, Mel and Daphne were his only hopes. Lindsay refused. Melanie would have been more than happy but something happened with her pregnancy with Michelle that made her unable to have kids. And Daphne’s pregnant.” I sighed again.

“Poor sunshine.” She looked around. “Where is he now?”

“In the bedroom.”

“Why aren’t you up there with him?” She put her hands on her hips and glared at me.

“He shut the bedroom door before I even got upstairs.” Debbie nodded, understanding that he wanted to be alone. That’s how we did things. If we wanted to be left alone, all three of us would go into our respective rooms and shut the door before anyone could follow us in. Problem was that since Justin and I shared a room, more often than not I ended up sleeping in the guest room when Justin wanted to be alone. Debbie and I finished putting the groceries away and I sighed once more.

“You know if I could I would, baby.” She said to me, smiling slightly and taking my hand in hers. I smiled back, then hugged her.

“I know, and thank you.” I started searching my pockets for cigarettes that weren’t there. I hadn’t had one in almost a year but I desperately needed one right then. “I’m gonna go for a walk. I’ve got my cell on me if you need me.” I started out the door, grabbing my jacket on the way. Debbie simply nodded and let me go.

There was a convenience store not far from where we lived so I started to head down that way to buy a pack of cigarettes. After that was bought and I lit up, coughing a couple times after the first drag, I started slowly walking around with no real destination in mind. My mind was whirling the whole time I walked. There had to be some way to give Justin what he wanted. I had gone through about half the pack before I stopped and found myself in front of the church. The fact that no one had called yet amazed me because the church was a good two-hour walk from our house. I put out my cigarette and walked inside, deciding maybe I needed to call in a little divine intervention.

“Please.” I begged quietly. I’d never begged for anything in my adult life but it was safe to say I was now. “I just want Justin to be happy. If there is any way you could make this happen…” I was slightly startled by a noise behind me and turned to see Reverend Tom heading my way.

“Not many of my Sunday regulars come here after hours.” He said with a smile, which soon faded when he got close enough to see the look on my face.

“I have a reason.”

“Anything you want to talk about?” He asked as he came to kneel beside me. I leaned my head down, resting my forehead on my clasped hands for a minute before looking up at him.

“Justin wants to have a child but everything is falling through. We have no one to carry the child for him. I don’t know what to do. He’s miserable.”

“He wants a child of his own?”

“Yeah.” I answered and sighed. Reverend Tom was quiet for a minute.

“Brian, I know it’s not the same thing but…the church is affiliated with an orphanage…”

“Really?” I looked at him. There was the tiniest ray of hope growing inside me at the mention of that.

“Perhaps you might be able to find what you seek there.” He pulled a card out of his pocket and handed it to me. I immediately called Debbie and told her that I would be gone a little while longer and not to worry I was fine, then I took a cab over to the address on the card. It was a decent size building in relatively good condition. I was a little surprised, having expected to see something along the lines of Little Orphan Annie. The halls were brightly lit and clean. The children that I saw were healthy with good clothes and obviously well fed. It wasn’t what I expected at all. The money that came into the orphanage actually went where it was supposed to go. That made me smile.

I went to the office of the director of the orphanage. She was a short woman, practically half my height. I couldn’t tell exactly how old she was by the looks of her but I could tell she was most likely older than my mother. She did, however, have a gentle, grandmotherly look to her. It was very obvious that she loved her job and loved the kids.

“Can I help you?” She looked up at me from her desk, her head was tilted almost completely back.

“Um…..I’m possibly interested in adopting a child.” I sounded unsure of myself, which made my voice sound strange in my own ears.

“Single parent adoptions can be difficult…” She started.

“Not single parent. It would be me and my partner.”

“Gay couple?” She asked and I nodded. She nodded a minute and pulled out some paper.

“Tell me about yourself and your partner.” She motioned to the chair in front of her desk indicating I should sit. I started talking as I took a seat.

“He and I own a business together. The Liberty Diner. It does very well and we’re comfortable.”

“Ages?”

“I’m thirty five and he’s twenty three.” I said, expecting to get the look that most people give us when they find out our age difference. She, however, simply nodded and kept writing. “We live in a house a few miles away. It’s a big house with a nice yard.”

“Is it just the two of you?”

“No, my best friend’s mother lives with us.” At that she looked up. “It’s a long story.”

“What does she do?”

“She’s retired for the most part. During the day she watches my son and her granddaughter while their mothers are at work.” She gave me a curious look. “Lesbian couple.” I answered and she nodded.

“So, you, your partner and your best friend’s mother live in the house but there are two other children involved in the family?”

“Yes.”

“And how old are they?”

“Gus is six and Michelle is three.” I answered and she wrote some more.

“And what do their mothers do?”

“I don’t see how that’s relevant.”

“If your best friend’s mother…”

“Debbie.” I supplied. She nodded.

“If Debbie is going to be watching all of the children I need to know what kind of environment it’s possible the child could be going into.” She looked me in the eye. That made sense so I nodded.

“Lindsay is the manager of an art gallery and Melanie is a lawyer.”

“So they’re comfortable as well.”

“Yes.”

“What about…” She looked at her notes. “Michelle’s father?”

“He owns a comic shop on Liberty Avenue but he’s not around much.” I scowled and she nodded at the expression on my face. When it came to Michael’s attention that I was spending equal time with both Michelle and Gus and that I was treating Michelle as if she were my own daughter, he stopped coming around regularly and started visiting only once every couple of months, ignoring Michelle completely.

“I would have to meet with everyone, especially your partner.” She said.

“That’s understandable.” I nodded.

“From what I can tell though it sounds like you have a very loving and accepting home.” She smiled at me. “That is exactly the environment we’re looking for when we place a child.” I couldn’t help but smile at that. “Are you looking to adopt an older child or….”

“Actually, we’d like to adopt a baby.” I said and she nodded.

“Most do. We did just have a little girl brought in. Two months old. She was abandoned. Come with me.” She stood and started walking. I felt like a giant as I walked next to the woman that was no bigger than some of the children she kept watch over. We went into a part of the orphanage that was obviously a nursery and I was taken over to a small crib in the corner. The woman, who had yet to tell me her name, lifted out a tiny pink bundle and handed her to me.

She was the most beautiful baby I’d ever seen in my life. Her hair was a bright red, almost orange. The pink blanket gave her skin a pinkish tint. She opened her wide eyes to reveal the brightest green I’d ever seen. It was love at first sight. My heart just melted and I knew that Justin and I had to have her. We had to bring her into our home and love her and take care of her. Though I’d just been holding her a few seconds, I never wanted to let her go.

“She doesn’t have a name yet. She was brought in last week. Not sure where she was found or what condition she was in before we got her but she was healthy and strong by the time she came here.”

“She’s beautiful.” I said softly. The woman smiled and I could tell she knew I was in love with this little girl. “I’ll have to discuss this with my partner.”

“Of course.” She held her hands out for the baby. I reluctantly let her go but only after giving her a kiss on the forehead.

“I’m Mrs. Harrington, by the way.” She held out her hand after placing the baby back in the crib.

“Brian Kinney.” I said, though I couldn’t take my eyes off the child.

“It’s nice to meet you, Brian.” She said with a smile. She started to lead me to the door. I noticed a little boy standing in one of the doorways looking at me as if I were the devil incarnate, though I didn’t understand why. I shook it off and with a spring in my step, I hailed a cab and headed home, unable to wait to tell Justin.

*****

Justin

When Brian got home I knew something was up. He was smiling and had a little spring to his walk and was almost humming to himself. I didn’t understand how he could be so happy when my life was falling apart. We had dinner together, Debbie and Brian chatted about mundane events of the day and I just picked at my food. After dinner was over, Debbie went to her room claiming she wanted to get to bed early while Brian and I cleared the dishes and started washing them.

“Why are you so happy?” I asked finally, unable to keep quiet any longer. He stopped what he was doing and turned to face me. He then reached out and took my hands out of the water, I was washing, he was drying, holding both of my hands in his own, as he looked me in the eye.

“Justin, I know how much you want to be a father. To have a biological reproduction of yourself to carry on for you after you’re gone. I know what Gus means to me and I know what a child would mean to you and I am truly sorry that you can’t have that.”

“This is why you’re happy?” I glared at him and tried to pull my hands away but he tightened his grip.

“No. I’m happy because I think I have a solution of sorts. I know it’s not the same thing and nothing will ever give you the connection that I have with Gus but…what if we were to adopt a baby?” He asked, keeping his gaze on mine. I looked at him a minute. I didn’t know what to say. He was right, it wouldn’t be the same as fathering a child myself, but there were children out there that didn’t have any parents. Children that needed a loving home to grow up in.

“It’s a possibility.” I said cautiously.

“There’s an orphanage not far from the church. Reverend Tom told me about it. I went there today. There is the most beautiful baby girl. She’s two months old, red hair, green eyes…”

“Wait a minute…are you telling me you already decided?” I was starting to get angry again. He had a bad habit in the beginning of our relationship of making decisions for me and I didn’t want him to start doing that again.

“Justin, will you calm down? I told Mrs. Harrington, the orphanage director, that I would have to talk to you about it first. I would never make a decision like this without you. I want you to meet the baby, to hold her. I want you to have a chance to fall in love with her the way I did.” He smiled a little. I couldn’t help but smile back. The idea of Brian Kinney being smitten over a baby made me laugh inside. Then I realized something.

“Why do you keep calling her ‘the baby’? Doesn’t she have a name?”

“No. Well, not yet anyway. She was abandoned and taken to the orphanage and they don’t know her name.”

“So we’d get to name her and everything?” I smiled again when Brian nodded. “Can we go tomorrow?”

“Of course.” He said, then hugged me. I hugged him back tight. Just a few hours ago my dreams of being a father were shattered. Now, though different, they were becoming a reality again. All because of the man I love.
 

*****
 

I went with Brian to the orphanage. We woke up early in the morning. He wanted me to dress nice but not too nice. I wore a pair of navy slacks and a sweater that was so pale a blue it almost looked white. Brian decided to go with a black sweater and slacks. I don’t know why he felt the need to dress up a little. I guess he wanted to impress Mrs. Harrington. I’d talked to her on the phone because we had to wait a couple of days before I could go meet the little girl that I was praying would soon be our daughter.

I hadn’t been that nervous about anything in a very long time. I wanted Mrs. Harrington to like me. To think that I would be the perfect father for this nameless little girl that had been brought in. But more importantly, I wanted the baby to like me. I guess that sounds kind of strange in a way, but I know from my experiences with Gus that babies can dislike people. Gus had a real problem with Ted when he was younger. Anytime Ted walked within Gus’ view he would start fussing.

We got to the orphanage and were led to the nursery. There were a couple of kids there that looked to be about a year old, maybe a little older. We were led over to a crib and Mrs. Harrington picked up the little girl. As soon as I saw her sweet little face I knew she had to be ours.

“Can I hold her?” I asked softly. Mrs. Harrington looked at Brian a minute and he nodded. A silent communication that I did in fact know what I was doing. Mrs. Harrington handed her over and I cradled her gently to my chest. She was tiny but I could tell that she was healthy, just small. Part of me was thankful for that because it was obvious to everyone that both Gus and Michelle were going to be tall and I didn’t want to be the only short person in the family. I couldn’t keep the smile off my face as I held the little girl. I looked up and spotted a rocking chair so I walked over and took a seat and started rocking her. Right that moment I knew I never wanted to let her go.
 

*****
 

Brian

Watching Justin with the baby just made my heart melt even more than I thought possible. I know he wasn’t aware of it but as he was rocking her, he started humming softly to her, a little song that he used to sing to Gus all the time when he was a baby. Mrs. Harrington had a big smile on her face and I know the one on mine had to equal if not rival it.

“He’s very good with her.” She said softly, as if trying to keep from being overheard.

“He’s very good with kids.” I told her and she nodded. We continued to watch Justin for a few minutes before she pulled me a little further aside.

“There’s a lot that needs to be done. I should warn you that this could take a couple of months for everything to go through. And the adoption isn’t official until it’s proven that you really will take good care of her. There will be DCF visits every now and then to make sure all is going well.”

“I expected as much.” I sighed a little. I would definitely have to spend some time in church praying that we would be allowed to adopt her. It would crush Justin if we couldn’t. Then a thought struck me. “Mrs. Harrington…would our chances be better if Justin and I were to….” I swallowed hard, almost unable to get the next words out. “Get married?” I looked her in the eye and she thought about it for a minute.

“That would show a sign that you are both committed to the relationship. It would give it a certain bit of longevity and perhaps increase your chances. You do understand that same sex marriages are still not legally recognized in this state.” She said more than asked.

“I know. But….if we did, that would be better, right? Because we say we’re committed now but…..there’s nothing really showing that commitment. Other than a piece of paper that I had drawn up for his birthday a couple years ago.”

“What?” She looked confused and I smiled.

“It’s a long story.”

“The fact that you’re a gay couple means that the adoption process will be hard. They will do background checks on both of you, check your financial records, see if you have any arrests, it’ll be grueling. Even more so because you’re both men. There’s a certain bit of proof that shows that most male same sex couples don’t last more than five or six years.”

“Well, we’re already past that mark. Justin and I will be celebrating our seventh anniversary soon.”

“That’s great, but it’s still not enough, honestly. I can’t say for certain because I don’t want to get your hopes up, but I do believe, were you to get married, it would increase your chances at least a little bit.”

“Thank you.” I nodded. She walked over to Justin and I watched as he reluctantly handed the little girl back to Mrs. Harrington. The sadness in his eyes as he had to walk away from her made me ache all over. I would do anything to take that sadness away from him. I would do anything in my power to make him happy forever. We walked out of the orphanage with a final look back at our soon to be daughter. I noticed that same little boy glaring at me in the hallway again. Just like last time I shook it off and Justin and I got into the car.

“She’s so tiny.” He said after a while.

“Yes she is.” I replied, nodding a little. We pulled up to the house and got out. Meeting at the hood, we then went inside, my arm around his shoulders, his arm around my waist with his head resting on my shoulder. As soon as we got into the house we both went upstairs. We got undressed and climbed into bed, just holding each other. There was no sexual intent in the embrace; we just wanted to be as close to each other as possible.

“If I go see her again, I don’t think I’ll be able to leave her there.” He broke the long silence. I nodded; kissing the top of his head as I gently rubbed his back. I stared at the ceiling, running things over in my head. All my years of advertising and I couldn’t come up with the perfect way to ask Justin to marry me. It was, after all, the introductory pitch to a product in a way. Asking him to marry me was the same as asking him to buy my product. To invest his time in our relationship. To try to insure that that little girl became our daughter.

“I talked to Mrs. Harrington.”

“I noticed. What were you talking about?”

“She was telling me what all is going to be involved in trying to adopt the baby.”

“Can we give her a name so we’re not just calling her ‘the baby’?”

“If you do that you know you’ll get attached and it’ll be that much worse if we can’t adopt her.”

“I know, but…..I want to.”

“Did you have something in mind?”

“Victoria.” He looked up at me and smiled a little and I knew why he chose that name.

“Victoria is the perfect name.”

“Now then, what did you and Mrs. Harrington talk about?”

“There’s going to be a lot involved in order for us to adopt Victoria. Background checks, financial checks, they’ll look at every tiny little aspect of our lives. Take them apart to the molecule.” This scared me a little and made me worry that my life before and for a while after I met Justin might jeopardize our chances.

“The break up will come out, of course. Think that’ll make it harder?”

“That’s kind of why I brought this up.”

“Oh?” He lifted his head from my chest and looked me in the eye. My hand kept moving, rubbing little circles on his pale skin. For some reason, I just couldn’t meet his intense gaze as I spoke so I looked at his lips.

“Mrs. Harrington thinks it would increase our chances of getting Victoria if we were to…” I paused, my voice suddenly failing. It shouldn’t be this hard. Justin and I have been as good as married for the last three years. Why was this so hard? “Get married.” I managed finally, my voice squeaking worse than it did when I was going through puberty.

“What?” He asked me, a little shocked. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly before finally looking him in the eye.

“Justin…..Will you marry me?” My heart started pounding as soon as the words were out of my chest. I almost couldn’t breathe and it seemed like an eternity had passed when it was only mere seconds. Finally, he kissed me. Not a heated, excited kiss, but a long, slow, passionate kiss that sent tingles through my entire body. I wrapped my arms around him as we continued to kiss. Finally we had to breathe so he moved back a little and looked me in the eye.

“Yes.” He said and broke into the biggest, brightest smile I’d ever seen. This one rivaled what had been dubbed his sunshine smile by megawatts. The smile turned to a look of confusion and I know it was because of the tear I felt rolling down my cheek. He reached up and wiped it away and gave me a questioning look as if to ask me what was wrong.

“I just……Never been this happy before.” I managed to get out. He kissed me again and we snuggled together. The hardest part was over. At least, I thought it was. Then the realization that he and I were going to have to not only plan a wedding but travel to either Boston or Toronto on top of it. I started taking slow deep breaths to calm my once again pounding heart in the hopes that Justin wouldn’t realize it, even though his head was resting on my chest.
 

*****
 

Justin

“Brian?” I looked up at him and I know I had to look concerned. His heart was pounding so fast I thought it might explode.

“I’m fine.” He said with a forced smile.

“Bullshit, what’s wrong?”

“Just hit me what we’re doing.” He said softly and I started to understand. Just a few years ago Brian was anti love, anti marriage and anti fatherhood. Now he was in a committed, monogamous relationship and about to get married so we could adopt a child and become full time parents. It had to be terrifying for him.

“If you don’t want to…” I started.

“If I didn’t want to I wouldn’t have asked.” He smiled a little more genuinely than before. “I fell in love with Victoria the minute I laid eyes on her. I’d do anything to make sure she’s ours.” For some reason those words didn’t sit right with me and a cold pit formed in my stomach.

“So…you’re marrying me strictly because it’s convenient and helpful to the adoption process?” I watched him wince slightly.

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Then say what you mean.” I was sitting up in bed at this point and I know I had to be glaring at him. He moved so that he was leaning back against the headboard and reached for my hand. On instinct I reached out and laced our fingers together. He looked at our hands as he spoke.

“I’m probably going to fumble this so please just listen until I stop talking.” He looked up at me then and I nodded. “Justin, I love you. I have since that first night but I refused to admit it. I love being with you. I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else. Please believe me when I say that I am marrying you because I love you and want the whole world to know that we will be together forever. The thing is, I’m not completely certain that, were it not for Victoria, I would have asked you now.” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, looking me in the eye to indicate he was finished.

“So, the timing is out of convenience but the act itself has true meaning?” I asked. He seemed to sigh with relief as he nodded and I squeezed his hand. “I have to be honest with you, Brian. I’d given up on you ever proposing. You were so anti marriage I never thought…” I stopped there and watched him a minute.

“I was anti marriage because the only example I had was my parents.” His voice was soft as he said it, once again looking at our hands.

“But we aren’t your parents.” I reached up and touched his cheek as he laughed a little.

“That’s for damn sure.” He still hadn’t met my eyes. He was quiet for a few minutes and got that look on his face that told me he was in deep thought so I just kept quiet and let him think.
 

*****
 

Brian

“Now all we have to do is tell Deb.” I sighed. I wasn’t really looking forward to the high-pitched squeals of delight and the bone shattering hugs. I could tell from the look on Justin’s face that he wasn’t either.

“Should we just come out and tell her?” As soon as the question was out of his mouth I immediately formed a plan on how to break the news of our impending nuptials. No, that sounds morbid. Delivering the news of our upcoming marriage sounds so much better, don’t you think?

“No, let me handle that. And before you say anything we will tell her together, I just have a plan.”

“How much should we tell her?” He asked. That was the multimillion dollar question right there. Do we tell Deb everything and risk disappointing her if it doesn’t happen, or do we just tell her about the wedding?

“I think it’d probably be best if we kept Victoria our little secret for right now. It’s bad enough you and I are getting our hopes up and practically decorating her room. I would hate to think how Deb would react if the adoption fell through.” He nodded and looked down. I could tell that he was trying not to think about the fact that we could be denied Victoria in our lives. Hell, I was already mentally calling her Vicki and trying to figure out the best place to buy baby furniture. I squeezed his hand.

“She has to be ours, Brian. It’d just break my heart if we couldn’t have her.” He sniffled but I didn’t say anything because I knew he would just play it off as allergies even though he’d outgrown most of them. I pulled him into a hug and he rested his head on my shoulder as I stroked his hair.

“We’re going to do everything that we can to make sure that happens.” And I planned on doing exactly that. Victoria made Justin happy and I would do anything to keep him that way.
 

*****
 

I decided on exactly how we were going to tell Debbie about the wedding. I went to a travel agency first thing in the morning and got a bunch of brochures for Boston, Vermont and Toronto. I knew that I needed to discuss things with Justin first but I figured while we were wherever it was we were going to get married, we could stay for about a week and have a honeymoon of sorts.

After I got the brochures I remembered that I agreed to work the morning shift for one of our waiters so I headed to the diner. As expected, Michael, Ben and Emmett were sitting at a booth together when I walked in.

“I find that extremely hard to believe.” Emmett said.

“What are you finding hard to believe, Emmett?” Michael had been about to reply and the three immediately looked at me, Michael keeping his mouth shut. That made it very obvious to me that they had been talking about yours truly. Michael gave Emmett a warning glare trying to get him to shut up but anyone that knows Emmett knows that never works when he’s got his mind set on talking.

“Michael here seems to think that you’ve become a devout Catholic.” The smirk on Emmett’s face showed he wanted me to prove them wrong.

“And?” I kept my face expressionless. I knew this would happen eventually. Deb would tell Michael who would then tell the entire population of Pittsburgh. I had a hard time not smiling when Emmett’s jaw almost literally hit the floor.

“It’s true?”

“Yes, it’s true. Deb and I go to church every Sunday morning and I take communion once a month.”

“But…”

“Reverend Tom is still the minister but it, or should I say he, came out. The church is now made up entirely of homo friendly people. As a matter of fact, the last couple of PFLAG meetings have been held in the church gym.”

“Oh really?” Emmett looked at Michael with a smug expression.

“Yes, really. As I said, Deb goes with me every Sunday. How do you think Michael found out about it? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get to work.” I then walked into the back. When I came back out, Michael was gone. I sighed and waited on some customers that had just come in. Before leaving for work, Ben stopped by to talk to me.

“I’m sorry about that.”

“Don’t worry about it.” I shrugged.

“This whole thing with Michelle has him a little resentful.” I immediately stopped what I was doing and looked at Ben.

“What whole thing with Michelle?”

“The fact that she’ll have nothing to do with him and calls him Michael while calling you daddy.” Ben replied. I did a double take.

“Ben…do you ever go with Michael when he visits her?”

“Not all the time. Most of the time he goes when I have to work.”

“So you only have his word to go on as far as what goes on at these visits?”

“Right.” Ben agreed.

“And exactly how often does Michael tell you he goes to visit Michelle?”

“At least once a week.” He answered and I couldn’t keep from laughing. “What?”

“Michael has seen her maybe once in the last two months. On top of that, when he does go by there on his own, he ignores her completely in favor of spending time with Gus. He said he really wanted a son and that I had no idea how to be a real father to Gus because of my dad. I guess not having a dad better qualifies him.” I rolled my eyes. “Michelle calls me daddy because that’s exactly what I am to her. I spend time with her and treat her as if she were my own. I love that little girl as much as I love Gus and she knows it. If you don’t believe me, you can ask Debbie. She baby sits them every day.”

“But why would Michael lie?” Ben looked thoroughly confused and I started to feel sorry for the man.

“That’s something that you’re going to have to ask Michael.” I sighed. Ben nodded and patted me on the shoulder, then left. The rest of my shift I was kind of in a funk. I couldn’t believe that the man that was supposed to be my best friend was trying to make me look like a total asshole. By the time I got home I’d been thinking about it so much that Justin could tell something was wrong. After going into our room and being alone for a little while, I came out and told him the whole story.

“Are you going to tell Deb?” He asked.

“This isn’t third grade, Justin. I’m not going to go run and tell his mommy that he hurt my feelings. I’m sure Deb will find out soon enough when Ben asks her what’s really going on.” He just nodded and I ran my fingers through my hair, then tried to hide the fact that there were quite a few strands in my hand. I’m not ready to start thinking about going bald just yet. We heard the front door open and close and Justin smiled a little.

“Speaking of Deb…”

“I do believe we have a performance, Sunshine.” I smiled back. We gathered up the brochures and went down to spread them out on the kitchen table. Given Deb’s normal routine when she first got home, we had plenty of time to make it appear as if we’d been looking at them for hours.

“What’s going on?” She asked when she saw us.

“Brian and I are going to go away for a while.” Justin answered.

“Oh?”

“Just a little vacation to get away from things for a bit.” I replied.

“How long is ‘a bit’?” She joined us at the table.

“About a week.” Justin responded and she nodded. I started mentally counting down to the moment when curiosity would get the best of her. Three…two…

“So where are you going?”

“Well,” I answered. “We haven’t really decided yet but we’ve got it narrowed down to three places.” I watched as she sifted through the brochures, not looking at me.

“Yeah, we can’t seem to decide.” Justin smiled at me.

“Well, maybe if you tell me I can help you out a little.” She didn’t sound irritated and she was still looking at the brochures.

“We can’t decide between Boston, Vermont or Toronto. Which do you think would be better this time of year?” At that question her head shot up. Being one of the leading advocates of gay rights, and on the committee that was trying to help the senator who would make same sex marriages legal in Pennsylvania, we didn’t have to explain to Debbie why those were are choices.

“Are you…?” She asked. Justin reached over and took my hand, then we both nodded, smiling at her. “Really.” She just looked at us. That was definitely not the reaction I was expecting from her.

“Aren’t you happy for us?” Justin’s smile faded.

“I am, baby. Really I am. I just…I guess I’m in shock. I never thought…”

“Neither did I.” I said. She nodded and came around the table, giving us each a hug.

“I would go with Boston, personally. It’s starting to get cold and you could get married in the historical district. It’d be beautiful.” She smiled and kissed my cheek. “So when’s the big day?”

“Not sure yet, honestly.” Justin said.

“Soon though. Probably next couple of months.” I replied.

“There’s a lot to do in planning a wedding, you know?”

“I thought we’d keep it simple, really. Just a couple of friends and family.” I smiled at her. She just nodded and kissed my cheek again, then went upstairs to her room. Justin and I exchanged looks, then I followed while Justin started cleaning up the brochures. She didn’t shut her door when she saw me coming so I decided that it was okay to go in.

“I really am happy for you, Brian. I didn’t think you’d ever get to this point. Hell, I never thought you’d have a real relationship period.” She smiled a little as she sat down on her bed.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, leaning against the doorframe.

“Nothing.” She refused to meet my gaze. Deb really is a horrible liar. I moved over and took a seat beside her, taking her hand in one hand and turning her face to look at me with the other.

“Tell me.” I pleaded. She shook her head and looked away.

“I don’t want to ruin your happy moment.” When she said that, my heart stopped for just a second. I had to take slow deep breaths to keep from panicking out right. I reached up and gently turned her head back to looking at me.

“You’ll have to tell me eventually.” My voice almost didn’t want to work and cracked a couple of times. She smiled slightly as I looked her in the eyes.

“You’re such a good man. Kind, caring, generous. You’ve never really been the asshole you wanted everyone to believe you were.” She was stalling.

“Deb, please.” Her smile faded immediately and she sighed.

“I wasn’t watching the kids all day today. I had a doctor’s appointment this morning. It was a follow up from one a couple of weeks ago.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to remain calm. She hadn’t told either of us that she was going to the doctor. I opened my eyes and looked at her.

“And?”

“And…” She squeezed me hand. “I have cancer.” She sniffled. All I could do was pull her into my arms and hold her as tight as I cold without hurting her. I couldn’t get my voice to work so I didn’t even try to say anything. We sat quietly for a couple of minutes before Debbie started crying. I held her and rubbed her back as she let it out. It wasn’t long before I felt tears rolling down my own cheeks. She’s the only real mother I’ve ever known. Yeah, she blames shit on me that isn’t my fault, but she loves me and has taken care of me more times than I can count. She’s taken me to the hospital after Jack beat the shit out of me. Cleaned up the wounds that weren’t serious enough for the emergency room. She’s treated me like her own son. And now she was very possibly going to be taken away.

“It’s gonna be okay.” I finally managed. She sat back and wiped her eyes, only managing to streak her mascara and make her look like a raccoon. I laughed a little and grabbed a tissue to try to help clean her up a little bit.

“How can you know it’s gonna be okay?” She asked me.

“Because you’re going to live forever.” I said matter of factly. She laughed at that.

“Am I now?” She sniffled and blew her nose.

“Yup.” I said with a nod. I know I had to look like a little kid at that moment but I didn’t care.

“How do you figure that?”

“Well….because I said so. And everybody knows that Brian Kinney always gets what he wants.” I smirked and she couldn’t keep from laughing. It was great hearing her laugh.

“You’re too much, Brian. You really are.” She hugged me and I sniffled, unable to stop a couple more tears from falling.

“You have to be okay. Who’ll smack me upside the head if you’re not okay?” She laughed again.

“I’m sure Justin would be more than willing to take up that role.” I sat back and smiled a little.

“Of course, we’re sitting here talking like it’s the end of the world and you haven’t told me exactly what your doctor said.”

“It’s breast cancer. My chances are good, but not great. With surgery and radiation and chemo I should be fine. Key word there being should.”

“Why didn’t you tell me that before the whole drama queen moment? God, Deb. You scared me to death! I thought it was something fatal.”

“It is potentially fatal.” She said seriously and I looked at her.

“I understand that, Debbie. But potentially fatal and definitely fatal are two completely different things. Once this is all said and done, you’ll be perfectly fine.”

“Brian…”

“Let me live in my little fantasy world for right now, okay? Please?”

“God, now I know where Gus gets it from.” She chuckled and I looked at her, confused. “He’s got this puppy dog look that he throws my way whenever he wants something. You just had the exact same look on your face.” She laughed and I couldn’t keep from laughing too.

“He really is my kid.” I sighed. “I guess we should go tell Justin, huh?”

“You mean, I should go tell Justin?”

“Yeah, that too. But, do me a favor?”

“Yes?” She asked as she stood.

“Don’t do to him what you did to me? Tell him that you are very likely going to be okay before he starts thinking it’s the end of the world too.” She patted me on the shoulder and nodded.

“Deal.” Then she walked downstairs to break the news to Justin. He took it far better than I did, only managing to shed a tear or two and reassure Debbie that we’d be here to help her in any way she needed. She’d told us when the surgery was scheduled for and how long the radiation and chemo were going to last. What we could expect during all of it.

“Well, your hair falling out isn’t a problem because you wear a wig all the time anyway.” I said and she smacked me, but we all laughed. She decided to go up to bed saying she wasn’t feeling all that great. All the crying had apparently exhausted her. Justin and I sat quietly in the kitchen for a while, just thinking.
 

*****
 

Justin

“We should probably postpone the wedding.” I said after a couple of minutes.

“There’s no probably about it. I want Debbie there and she can’t be there if she’s sick. So we just wait until she’s well enough to travel.” Brian was looking down at a spot on the table as he picked at it. I reached over and put my hand over his. I could tell from the look on his face that he really was scared.

“She’s going to be okay, Brian.” I said softly and he nodded but I could tell he didn’t believe me. Even though she doesn’t always treat him the best, Brian has always practically idolized Debbie. He calls her mom or ma more often than anything else. In my opinion he’s a better son to her than Michael could ever dream of being.

“How do you think Michael’s going to take this?” Brian said as if he knew I was thinking about Michael.

“I don’t know.”

“We’re going to have to tell Gus, too. He’s old enough to understand that something’s really wrong. Michelle is lucky enough to be blissfully ignorant of things like this. All we have to do is tell her that grandma is really sick and she can move on. Gus will want to know what’s wrong.”

“I hate to sound selfish but how do you think this will affect the adoption? I mean….if Debbie’s sick we’re going to have to take care of her and it would be hard to take care of Debbie and a baby both, and then there’s the fact that Lindsay and Melanie would need a new babysitter…” I started rambling like I so often do when I’m nervous.

“You’ll have to run things at the diner for a while.” He said without looking up at me.

“What?”

“Like you said, Debbie is going to need someone to take care of her, and the munchers are going to need a new babysitter. Somebody’s gotta do it and I don’t want just anybody watching Gus and Michelle so…” I nodded. I wasn’t going to argue that I should be the one to stay home with them because once Brian made up his mind, there was no changing it. “As far as Victoria goes…..it’s going to take several months for the adoption to go through. By the time all is said and done Deb will be back to normal. Or as normal as she can get anyway.”

“Are you sure about that?” I asked. He looked up at me.

“Honestly, Justin, all I care about right now is getting Deb well again. I’m sorry but Victoria is just going to have to wait.” He then got up and started out of the house. I saw him stop and pull something out of his jacket pocket. He left the front door open for a second after stepping onto the porch and I sighed as I saw the puff of smoke rising above his head just before he shut the door.
 

On to Part 5