Change
Part 5

Brian

It had been three months since Deb was diagnosed and I was working in the diner while Justin was taking care of Debbie. She’d gone through the surgery and radiation just fine and was in the middle of her chemo treatments. After the surgery Deb had a drain that was pretty much a plastic bottle attached to a tube that was inside the place where they removed the lymph nodes. Even though I have a weak stomach when it comes to that stuff, I had to change the dressing for her because Justin was too much of a pussy to handle it.

Between each of her chemo treatments they had her taking a drug that increased her white blood cell count. I had to help her with that too. I don’t like needles. Never have and never will. But that didn’t change the fact that I had to give Deb a shot in the thigh once a night between the chemo treatments. She said she could do it herself but I didn’t want to take a chance on her being too weak to aim properly or something like that. That, of course, earned me a smack to the head and her “I’m not too weak to do anything” speech.

Debbie said that she was getting tired of having me around all the time and ordered Justin to stay with her after forcing me to go to the diner. She said that she was sick of me babying her and treating her like an invalid. She wanted someone that would leave her alone when she told him to and that someone was apparently Justin. Justin agreed because he got tired of working at the diner all the time. He wanted to spend some time alone with Deb. He said that I haven’t given him the chance to do anything. He’s been a little angry with me for a while. Pretty much since I told him Victoria would have to wait.

I’ve felt bad about Victoria the whole time. Shortly after Deb was diagnosed I told Mrs. Harrington that we weren’t going to be able to adopt Victoria after all. That with Debbie being ill, we wouldn’t be able to properly care for a baby. She told me that she appreciated our honesty. Most people would have tried to continue with the adoption anyway. We asked if there was any way she could hold off on the adoption and she said that she could, but she couldn’t guarantee that Victoria wouldn’t be adopted before we could start the process again. Sure enough, less than a month later we got a call saying Victoria was being adopted.

“I guess it’s just not meant to be.” Justin said with a sad sigh.

“We’ll figure something out, Justin. She’s not the only baby that needs a home.” I tried to comfort him. He just nodded and went up to our room. I slept in the guest room for a week after that.

So our lives were pretty much falling apart, so to speak. The diner was still doing great and Debbie was doing fine, Gus was getting straight A’s in school and Michelle was happy. Mikey was still being an asshole as far as his daughter was concerned but from what I understood, Mel was making sure that got taken care of. She wouldn’t give me any details, though. But on the child and relationship fronts, we were coming up empty. The fact that Justin was miserable because he couldn’t have the baby he wanted made me miserable and we were miserable together to the point that we hadn’t actually made love in almost four months and I was starting to go insane.

I never pushed him, though. I would make a suggestion, give him a little squeeze, kiss his neck, rub his stomach, something to indicate I was in the mood and let him determine if we did anything. Every single time I would get rejected. There were even several occasions where he wouldn’t let me so much as touch him. It was like he didn’t want me in the same bed. I was really starting to worry because it looked like the baby situation was tearing our relationship apart. Every once in a while Justin would want to cuddle but most of the time he wanted me to leave him alone.

So I was working, trying to keep from going off on the customers. My personal life should not be taken out on other people, especially people that were responsible for my income. I tried my best to smile, but I know it was fake and cheesy. Everyone could tell. I was getting some pretty nice tips, even from people that didn’t normally tip. It’s like they knew I was miserable, but the fact that I was trying to put on a happy face for them made them want to tip me. Or maybe they just felt sorry for me. At that point I really didn’t care. I felt like Justin was getting ready to leave me again. He was acting about the same way he did before he left me for the fiddler.

That got my mind working on a tangent I really wish it hadn’t gone on. What if Justin was cheating on me? What if he actually was getting ready to leave me again? How could I remain business partners with someone that hurt me so badly? When he left before it wasn’t that bad. We weren’t monogamous and I wasn’t even willing to admit that we had a relationship or that I loved him. This time it would be different. We’d been committed and monogamous for a very long time, I’d told him I loved him, we were even planning on getting married eventually. Things would definitely be different this time around. I don’t think I could handle it if he left me again.

While in the middle of my funk I didn’t notice that the diner had cleared out and there were only one or two patrons left. I started trying to keep myself occupied. Since it was slow I let Marcia and Danielle go home early. They were new, having started just last week. They were also a couple. The fact that I worked with Justin made me more willing to hire couples as long as both were hard workers and got the job done. I could tell that they wanted to get home and fuck so I let them go, but not without shuddering at the thought.

I started with cleaning the tables. That took me all of about ten minutes so then I started straightening and refilling the salt and pepper shakers. That was only about half an hour. After that I started to rearrange the coffee mugs behind the counter. When that was finished after fifteen minutes, I started to completely rearrange everything behind the counter. I was in the middle of restacking the take out containers for the fifth time when I heard the bell above the door ring. I’d been sitting on the floor so I couldn’t really see the person that came in.

“Just have a seat; I’ll be right with you.” I called out.

“Okay.” The slightly familiar feminine voice called back. I finished what I was doing and stood up to see none other than Cynthia sitting at one of the tables. I couldn’t keep the smile off my face. She looked as gorgeous as ever. I always said if I was straight I would have been one of those typical horny business men fucking the secretary. Or assistant in her case. Cynthia was never my secretary. Anyway, she smiled back as I made my way over. She stood and we shared a hug. I looked around and saw that the place had emptied out and it was just to two of us so I took a seat across from her.

“How have you been?” I asked.

“I’m great. I’m actually an account exec now. Have my own team and everything. It’s wonderful. Now I get why you loved it so much.” She took my hand and squeezed a little.

“How’s Vance doing?”

“He retired shortly after all the contracts came up. Sold the company. I really wish you had come back, Brian. I miss you yelling at me for no reason.” She smirked and I couldn’t help but laugh.

“I really am happy, Cyn. I couldn’t go back there. That job is part of what made me the asshole I was.”

“Brian, how well would you say I know you?” She asked me and I suddenly got suspicious.

“Pretty well. I mean, we worked together for almost ten years.”

“You say you’re happy, but I can tell something’s bothering you. What is it?” She looked concerned.

“It’s nothing.” I said, shaking my head.

“Brian, it’s never nothing. Especially if I can actually see that something’s wrong. Please, what is it?” Cynthia was always able to get me to talk, even if I didn’t want to. And usually, talking to her made me feel better. We’d bypassed the limits of a professional relationship a long time ago. So after I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, I recanted the whole tale, explaining to her the events of the last year or so. She just sat quietly and listened, occasionally asking questions when she didn’t understand or if I mentioned someone she didn’t know.

“I’m really scared he’s gonna leave again, Cyn.”

“Brian, from what I’ve seen, Justin loves you very much. I doubt he’s going to leave you over the fact that you can’t give him a baby.”

“There are times when he won’t even look at me. He barely talks to me anymore. We haven’t had sex in......I can’t remember how long. He’s completely miserable and there’s nothing I can do about it.” I sighed and slammed my head on the table.

“Well, I wouldn’t say there’s nothing you can do about it.” Cynthia said. She had that “I just got a great idea” tone of voice. It worried me.

“What are you talking about?” I lifted my head and looked at her with a raised eyebrow.

“You know, Brian, Lindsay, Melanie and Daphne are not the only women of child bearing age that you know.” She smirked at me. We sat there in silence as the wheels started to turn in my head.

“I......really?”

“Really.” She smiled.

“You’d do that.......for us?” I was still kind of in shock

“Well, it wouldn’t just be for you, Brian. I’m almost to the point where I won’t be able to have kids anymore and I’m still single. My biological clock is ticking like a time bomb. I really want to have a baby, but I never really pictured myself as the mothering type. So this way, we both win. I get to procreate with a very beautiful young man, guaranteeing a gorgeous baby,” At this we both chuckled. “But I don’t have to worry about the feedings at two in the morning or changing the diapers or anything like that. I can still be career oriented while being a mom. And, by the time the baby’s born, Deb’ll be done with her chemo and be well enough to help. It’s a win, win situation.”

“Thank you so much, Cynthia. You have no idea how much this means to me.” We both stood and I hugged her. “I can’t wait to tell Justin.” I smiled at her.

“You know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile like that.” She returned the smile and we hugged again.

“I’m gonna talk to Justin, then we can work out all the details.”

“Okay. Take my card, I know you don’t have my number or you would have called.” She glared at me and I blushed slightly. She laughed. I took the card and slid it into my pocket.

“Did you come here to eat?”

“Actually, I did. I’d been told this place has the best food and service in town. I’m on my lunch break.”

“What’ll you have? Anything you want. On the house.” I smiled. She tried to tell me no but I wouldn’t hear of it. I sat and ate lunch with Cynthia and we talked and caught up. Right about the time she was getting ready to leave the diner started getting busy again so I had to give her a quick hug and get back to work before she left. I just couldn’t wait to get home and tell Justin.
 

*****
 

Justin

I wanted to smack the smile right off his face. I’ve been miserable for months and Brian has the nerve to come into this house after working at the diner all day with a smile on his face and a bounce in his step. How dare he? I realize that it’s childish and immature, but I don’t care. He has no right to be so happy when he knows that I can’t have the one thing I want more than anything in this world.

“Hey sunshine.” He greets me and comes over to give me a kiss. I just glare at him. He looks at me with a raised eyebrow and I just huff and go into the kitchen to start on dinner. I guess he takes that as a cue because he just goes upstairs to take a shower. Since it’s between the chemo treatments Debbie decides to join us for dinner. I told her I’d bring it to her in bed but she is insisting on sitting at the table with us. Brian comes down freshly showered and looking as gorgeous as ever, especially with the smile that hasn’t left his face since he came in, and I can’t decide if I want to fuck him or hit him. Then I remember that I’m mad at him so I just get back to finishing up dinner.

“Hey, Brian.” Debbie smiles at him a little and I want to tell her that I’m mad at him and she should be too.

“Hello, Deb. You’re looking as lovely as ever this evening.” He smirks a little and pretends to wince when she smacks him after he kisses her cheek. How can they be in a good mood? It’s not fair

“Hey baby.” He’s right behind me now, hands on my hips, kissing my neck. I just stand there, not responding. He sighs and sits down at the table. I get dinner served and then we start eating. Brian and Debbie are having a polite conversation, telling jokes and having a wonderful time. I’m sure I’m probably pouting. I know that Brian has been miserable lately. Probably because I’m unhappy. I know it has something to do with the fact that he hasn’t even had a decent hand job in the last four months or so. That’s when my mind starts reeling.

What if he’s cheating on me? What if he found someone else? What if my coldness toward him in bed, or anywhere as has been the case lately, has turned him into the arms of another. He hasn’t really had a choice. I won’t let him come near me. I barely let him kiss me, lately. I just.....can’t stand to have him touch me for some reason. It’s like I know that he can’t get me pregnant and I know that he can’t get pregnant so I don’t want to have sex because it’s a useless act and a total waste of good sperm. Is that ridiculous or what? Maybe not so ridiculous. But the idea that Brian might be cheating on me just makes things worse. I scowl at him and head upstairs.

“What the fuck is that about?” I hear Debbie ask.

“I don’t know.” Brian says. He sounds a little hurt. Good. Maybe then he’ll realize what he’s giving up by cheating on me, the fucker. That’s the only explanation for why he’s happy when I’m not. He’s getting it from someone else. Probably someone about his age, better looking, smarter.......who am I kidding, there’s nobody better looking or smarter than I am. Older must be it. Someone that Brian has way more in common with than me. Someone he’ll be much happier with, obviously. The thought of Brian leaving me is just too much to bear and I bury my head in my pillow and start sobbing, my whole body shaking from the force. Maybe if I beg, he won’t leave.
 

*****
 

Brian

I give Justin a couple of minutes before heading upstairs and lightly knocking on the door. When I don’t get a response I try the knob and find the door is unlocked so I take that as an invitation to go inside. I shut the door behind me and look over at the bed and my heart breaks into a million pieces. I hate it when he cries. I used to make him cry a lot in the beginning and I hated it then, I hate it even more now. I move over to the bed and sit down, rubbing his back.

“Don’t touch me.” He says as he moves away from my hand.

“Justin, what’s going on?” I know I sound totally confused.

“Just go away.”

“Not until you tell me what’s wrong.” I reply. We sit there in silence for a long time before he finally rolls over, sits up and looks me in the eye. I just want to hold him in my arms. His face is streaked with tears and his eyes are all red and puffy. I reach over to the night stand and get him a tissue. He blows his nose rather noisily before looking me in the eye again.

“Who is he?” He asked.

“Who is who?”

“The guy you’re cheating on me with.” He says it so matter of factly that I have a hard time not laughing out loud.

“What are you talking about, Justin?”

“You’re cheating on me, I know it. I can tell.”

“You can, can you?”

“Yeah.” He says defiantly.

“What’s the evidence?” I give him the same look he’s giving me. This should be good.

“You’ve been miserable right along with me for the last several months and now all of a sudden, you’re happy. That can only mean one thing.” He turned away from me, looking out the window.

“Did it occur to you that maybe I’m happy because I got some good news today? That something good happened while I was at work? Why would you automatically jump to me cheating on you?” I really had to think about it. He was silent for a long time, then it hit me. “Justin, I thought that was in the past.” He turned and looked at me and I could tell he was confused.

“Huh?”

“You obviously think I would turn to cheating on you because of the tricking in the past. The tricking that I stopped almost five years ago. The tricking that I have had absolutely no desire for since I first started working at the diner.”

“No....Brian......that’s not....”

“Then why would you think that I was cheating on you?”

“Because I know how much you like sex and I’m not letting you near me so I thought that you finally got fed up and got it somewhere else.” He looked down and wiped at his eyes.

“Justin, I would go without sex for a million years if that’s how long you wanted me to wait. I promised you that I would be yours and only yours. You know that I never make promises I don’t intend to keep to the best of my ability.”

“I know.....I’m sorry.” He gave me that look that told me he wanted me to hug him but he was afraid I wouldn’t. I pulled him into my arms and kissed the top of his head as he wrapped his arms around me and rested his head on my chest. I reached up and started stroking his hair.

“I love you, Justin; nothing is going to change that. And no trick is worth losing that. But I have to be honest. I thought maybe you were going to leave me.”

“What? Why?” He asked as he sat back and looked at me with a raised eyebrow.

“Because you’re acting now the way you did right before....” I trailed off. Here I was getting offended that he was bringing up the past when I was doing exactly the same thing.

“Before I left you for Ethan?” He asked and I could only nod. “So we’re both bringing the past into the present.” He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.

“I didn’t know what to think, Justin. I just......you won’t even look at me sometimes. Do you have any idea how much that hurts? To know that you’re so miserable you can’t even look at me? I feel like it’s my fault.”

“You’re the one that said Victoria had to wait.” He spat out.

“We couldn’t take care of her and Deb, you know that!”

“Maybe I would know that if you’d let me spend some time with her instead of insisting on being the one to take care of her.”

“You’re the one that pussied out and made me change the dressing. I’m the one that has to clean up the puke because you’re a sympathetic puker. I’m the one that has had to drive her to her chemo treatments. I’m the one that has to give her the shots because you can’t handle it.”

“That doesn’t mean I can’t help take care of her!” He argued. I just looked at him for a minute.

“I just listed off everything that is required in taking care of her and you won’t do any of it. Unless you only want to take care of her during the day between treatments so you don’t have to deal with any of the rest of the stuff. Of course, that would mean you’d be taking care of her when she doesn’t really need to be taken care of.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” He got up and stood up to me, trying to look me in the eye.

“It means that I’ve been doing all of the work around the house while you go work at the diner. It means that I have had no choice but to take care of Debbie because you’re too much of a chicken shit to handle it. You sit there and complain about wanting to help but when I ask you to, you don’t.”

“That’s not true!”

“Just the other night Deb was puking and I asked you to please take the sheets to the laundry room so that I could get her cleaned up and you said you couldn’t do it because you’re a sympathetic puker and smelling it makes you sick. You couldn’t even be in the same room! How the fuck do you expect to help?”

“That’s enough!” Debbie said from the door way making both of us jump. “I can’t believe the two of you are arguing about this. It’s ridiculous. Justin, you help me, whether you think you do or not. You going to the diner is a big help, not that I don’t like you around, I love you baby, but someone needs to work at the diner. Besides, Brian is better suited for taking care of me. He’s got an iron stomach so he doesn’t get sick if I puke all over him, which has happened more than once, and he’s stronger than you are so he can carry me when needed. Plus, since he’s had all those years of experience hiding his feelings, he doesn’t break down into tears every ten seconds.” She gave him a knowing look and he blushed and I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing.

“You’re right, Deb.” Justin sighed, then looked at me. “I’m sorry, Brian. I....I didn’t mean...”

“It’s okay.” I said and walked over, pulling him into my arms. He hugged me tight, lightly kissing my chest. I kissed the top of his head.

“Now, Brian, why don’t you tell us what got you so happy when you left here in such a shitty mood?” Debbie said, leaning against the door frame a little. I walked over and helped her to a near by chair.

“I ran into Cynthia today. She and I got to talking and I explained everything to her. She said she’d be willing to surrogate for us.” I couldn’t keep the smile off my face.

“Really?” Justin said.

“Really.”

“There’s no catch? Nothing that’ll keep this from happening?” He had every right to be doubtful.

“She’s still young enough to have a kid, but old enough to want one. She said she never pictured herself the mothering type, but she wants a baby. So she gets to have a kid without having to raise it.” I couldn’t keep from looking at Deb. “Not that she wouldn’t want to raise a baby if she had one...”

“I understand, Brian, believe me.” She smiled and I smiled back.

“We’re really going to have a baby?” Justin was still in shock.

“We have to work out the details, but yeah, it looks like we’re really going to have a baby.” I’ve never seen a smile as bright as the one that lit up Justin’s face.
 

*****

Unlike Melanie, and even Lindsay, it took a while for Cynthia to get pregnant. To the point that it was almost three years after our initial conversation when Mason Nathaniel Taylor Kinney was born. He weighed ten pounds and six ounces and was twenty four inches long. Mason’s hair is so blonde it’s white and his eyes are now a greyish blue. At six months old he’s crawling everywhere and already has a limited vocabulary of “da”, “ma”, and “beh”.

We worked it so that Justin could stay home with Mason while I worked at the diner. I didn’t, however, work more than was absolutely necessary because I wanted to spend time with Mason as well. Debbie babysat whenever Justin and I wanted to go out or wanted a night to ourselves. It was great that Mason was being raised in a home with three adults that loved him very much.

Gus was extremely jealous at first. By this time he’d heard the stories of how I wasn’t the best dad when he was little. How I wasn’t around all the time. He remembered all the time I spent with Michelle. And now the fact that I was taking time off work so I could spend time with a child that wasn’t even biologically mine. He didn’t talk to me for almost a month.

“Gus, I know I missed out on a lot of your life and I know I was a shitty dad before but I am trying to make up for it now. I’m sorry.”

“But why do you care so much about Mason?” Gus asked.

“I don’t care about Mason any more than I care about you. I love you both the same.” And here I thought I’d have to have this same conversation with Mason about Gus. I probably will at some point.

“He’s not even your son.” Gus wouldn’t look at me.

“But he’s Justin’s son and Justin is my partner and we’re raising him together the way your moms are raising you and Michelle.” I told him. It took me a while but I finally got him to understand that I really do love him and want to be his father too. That Mason was not brought into this world to replace him. Part of me thinks Michael had a hand in Gus’ doubt. The same way he caused Justin’s doubt in me all those years ago.

Michael is completely out of Michelle’s life as far as she is concerned. Now that she’s old enough to decide such things she’s started going by Briana rather than Michelle. When I asked her about it she was more than happy to explain.

“I was told that I was named after my father and you’ve been more of a father to me than he ever was.” She smiled and hugged me and I almost cried. Almost.

So there you have it. After Mason was born, actually after he was conceived, everything started getting better and better. Debbie is still cancer free and the doctors are very sure she’s going to stay that way. Justin is happy being a stay at home dad. Cynthia stops by at least once a week and often brings gifts. She spoils Mason rotten. She’s still career oriented but actually holding her child for the first time made her want to be more than just the occasional uncredited cameo appearance. The diner is doing great and we’re even making enough money to consider opening another diner in a different part of the city. It’s just something we’re talking about at the moment. Life has never been better for any of us. I guess, even though it’s seriously cliche, it could be said that we all lived happily ever after.
 

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