Reverberations

Chapter 2

Author's Note: Just to set the scene - in 504 Justin and Brian were at Mikey's infamous dinner party. In 505, Brian found out he had syphilis, Justin and Daph were babysitting JR and Brian saw Brandon for the first time. He came home, having survived his period of enforced celibacy, to celebrate with his lover, only to find a very cool and aloof Justin who insists that he can't come to bed because he's "working". The work is a sketch of a diseased Rage with sores all over his face. In the Reverb universe, however, it is Justin who has been diagnosed with syphilis. From there, I thought things might go a bit like this.

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Justin

I was really nervous about coming with Brian tonight. I know it's stupid, but I feel like I shouldn't be around Gus. Like he might catch something from me. But Brian said that if I wouldn't go, then he wouldn't either, and I know how much he's been looking forward to it. Even though he'd never say that, of course.

He wasn't joking when he told me before I left for LA that he wanted to spend more time with Gus. Since then, he baby sits him at least one night a week. Usually at Lindsay's place. Which is okay, although it would be nice to have him at the loft. But I guess it's not really a child friendly environment. The hard floors, the white furniture, the whole lay out of the place with the steps up and down to the bedroom … it's just not all that suitable for kids. I think we could make it work without doing a lot, but Brian I guess feels more comfortable not having to deal with all that.

Anyway, we're here now, and as soon as we hit the buzzer, we hear Gus' voice shrieking "Dadda! Dadda!"

I sneak a quick glance at Brian and he's almost blushing. I think he finds it hard to believe that his son really loves him, that Gus looks forward to spending time with him. It's not something that he ever felt about his father, I guess. Although of course he doesn't talk about that.

As soon as Linds opens the door, Gus is clutching at Brian's legs. Brian picks him up and tosses him in the air, and Gus squeals with delight. Then he wraps his arms around his father's neck and gives him a big sloppy kiss.

He's so gorgeous. He really does look a lot like Brian. His eyes are darker - more like Lindsay's, but they're the same shape as Brian's, and he has Brian's long lashes. And Brian's mouth, I think.

He goes a bit shy when he sees me. Then Brian whispers something to him and he seems to remember who I am. He leans across and gives me a big kiss too and then Linds is babbling about needing to go or she'll be late to her dinner meeting and I go down with her to the car. She hasn't got a car now, Mel has theirs. So we'd arranged that one of us would drive her. Amazingly, Brian agreed to let me. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times he's let me drive his baby, and they've all been when he was too tweaked to know better, but tonight he actually handed over the keys with no fuss.

He won't admit it, but it's because he actually wants to spend that extra little bit of time with Gus. And it's a bonus that for a little while it's just the two of them.

He didn't want the whole evening with Gus on his own, the thought of that freaks him out a bit, because he's still convinced that he can't do anything right as a father. But for half an hour or so, he'll really enjoy having his Sonnyboy all to himself.

I wish I could get him to realize that no one really knows how to be a great parent. That it's something he can learn to do, just like everyone else does. But it's hard for him to believe that when he has such bad role models in his own parents, and when people like Melanie give him shit all the time for every single thing he does. As if she's so goddammed perfect.

Or Lindsay either, for that matter.

I mean, Lindsay's been a good friend to me in some ways. Well, I guess they both have. But Linds has been a very bad friend to Brian in a lot of ways, and most of all where Gus is concerned. She's always let Mel say whatever she wanted to about Brian - even in front of Gus. And you would have thought that, knowing how Mel feels about Brian, Linds would either have chosen another father for her child or else really laid down the law about how Mel had to back off and keep her thoughts about Brian to herself.

Instead of which, she's played it all ways. Demanded money from Brian for Gus, made him sign away his rights to his son, guilted him out over never spending time with Gus and at the same time let Mel go off on him every time he tried to. And it turns out that they never did make Mikey sign over his rights to JR, so now he gets to have joint custody of her, while all Brian is left with is the crumbs.

I don't like any of them very much at the moment.

Because Brian is hurting over all of this. And if people think he isn't, they just don't know him. He signed over his rights eventually because he thought it would be the best thing for Gus. That it would get Mel and Linds back together and that would give Gus the happy stable family that he never had. And it nearly killed him to do it.

Now, Mikey has joint custody of his daughter, Brian has nothing, and Mel and Linds aren't together anyway.

I'm trying to fight back these thoughts while I open the car doors. All I have to do is drive Linds to the gallery, and it's not that far.

But then, as she's doing up her seat belt, she says, "What on earth happened at Michael's dinner party? I saw him yesterday and he's really upset with Brian."

And that does it.

By the time I get through telling her what I think of Michael and the little ambush he set up with that pair of totally pretentious twats that he's now so cozy with; and then tell her what I think of him for not showing up at the special night at Babylon that he damned well knew Brian arranged just to please him, (let alone that he couldn't even be bothered making a phone call to let Brian know he wouldn't be there, despite the fact that they'd had a deal, and that's the only reason that Brian had showed up at his fucking dinner party in the first place), Linds is staring at me.

"Justin," she says in that well-bred little voice of hers that is meant to be so superior and soothing, "I just think that Michael is growing up. And he'd like to see Brian grow up, too."

I almost let her have both barrels then. But I have to think of Brian, and how I can't fuck things up for him and make it difficult for him to see Gus, so I fall back on being all WASPy superior myself and say instead, "Well, if his idea of being `grown up' is to totally forget who he is, and take every word that his new friends say as coming down straight from above on tablets of stone, and sneering at all his old friends because they don't agree, just like he did when he was with Dr Dave, then we have very different ideas about that.

"To me, that's behaving like a kid in school who wants to be in with whatever he thinks are the in crowd. Who's so desperate to be in with the in crowd that he'll totally change who he really is just to conform to what these assholes tell him he should be like."

"Justin, you have to admit …"

"Lindsay … you just don't get it. Brian … he looks after you, he looks after Gus, he looks after Michael, and me, and Deb, and even Ted and Emmett. He runs his own company which he's built up from nothing into a major player in the advertising world in just over a year. But because his lifestyle isn't what you think it should be, you and Mel, and now even Michael, sneer at him for not being grown up. Well …"

I want so badly to tell her she can get fucked, but I can't. I just can't. For Brian's sake. So I take a deep breath and say, "I think you're wrong. I think you're just about as wrong as you can be.

"And," I go on, a bit recklessly, because I just can't help this bit spilling out, "coming from someone who totally messed up her own relationship, her damned marriage, even, for a quick fuck, from two people who lied to nearly all their friends for over six months about the fact that they'd split up, and from a guy who makes a living selling comic books, and can only do that because Brian funded it for him, I'd say that you're all pretty damned hypocritical. Because none of you seem to me to be all that fucking grown up yourselves."

We're at the gallery now, and I've pulled the car into the curb and for a moment we sit there in silence. I'm looking straight ahead, but from the corner of my eye I see Lindsay staring at me.

I wait for a moment more till I stop shaking, and then I get out the car and come around to open her door for her. It's not an easy car to get in and out of, especially in a short skirt and heels like she's wearing tonight.

She lets me help her out, and I can tell that she's thinking about saying something more, but in the end, she must decide that her best defense is to be terribly WASP and well mannered and gracious and she just hugs me.

"Brian's very lucky to have you," she says.

I shake it off. "I'm the lucky one," I mumble, thinking about how Brian held me last night, how he made me feel so much better about myself, and thinking about the way they all treat him. Remembering all that makes me feel ashamed that I don't stick up for him more often. Not that he'd thank me for it. But still …

"We just want him to be happy," she says.

"No you don't," I answer. "You just want him to live his life the way that you do. But he's not you. He'll never be like you. And you all need to just get over it."

Especially you and Michael, I think to myself.

And I don't speak the thoughts that are really going through my mind. The real truth as I see it. Which is that they actually like Brian to be fucked up and miserable so that they can feel so superior, and so smugly saint-like that they put up with "that asshole Brian". They want his life to be a mess so that their own don't look like such fucking pathetic compromises.

They don't have the courage to be him. They don't have the balls or the brains or the stamina. They couldn't cope with half the pressures that they put on him with their constant neediness and demands.

But they sneer at him every time he seeks any sort of escape from all their bullshit.

Even when that's me. Maybe especially when it's me.

I know that as far as Brian is concerned they still see me as some pathetic little boy who feeds Brian's ego, and buys into his lifestyle because he has no choice. And that gives them yet another reason to snipe and sneer at Brian - because they're all just waiting for me to "grow up" and leave him.

Well, fuck them! They don't know anything about Brian and me. Nothing. And they've got no fucking right to judge us. To judge him. Because he's worth more than all of them put together. They are so fucking pathetic!

I pull the car up outside Lindsay's apartment block and have to take a few deep breaths before I go in there.

There's no way that I'm going to let Brian see how mad she made me. I'm not some pathetic little faggot who can't go even one round with a damned lesbian without turning into a full on drama queen. I am not.

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Brian

He's really quiet when he gets back from dropping Lindsay off and I wonder what sort of lovely little chat they had in the car. He's not talking about it, so I'm guessing she was sticking her well bred little nose right where it doesn't belong, and trying to have a serious talk with him about Big Bad Brian.

If I know Linds, she's either been at the "is Brian treating you alright, sweetie?" line, or else she's been on at him about how badly behaved I've been to everyone else. Fuck `em. Fuck `em all. Even Mikey. If he wants to go back to playing the "nice little housewife" like he did with Dr Dave, and mix with the same sorts of pretentious assholes that he did back then, well … fuck him. Maybe if he's gone back to that, it really is what he wants.

I have to admit that I'd find all that easier to deal with if it didn't always seem to mean that he turns into this sanctimonious little prick who seems to feel that his new fake-hetero status gives him the right to sneer at me and my lifestyle without even a thought that that might fucking hurt me.

But I'm not gonna think about that tonight. Tonight, I'm playing with my Sonnyboy … well, now that Justin's back, I'm playing with both my boys. We're gonna play trucks and build a cushion fort and we're gonna eat together and fall asleep in front of the TV together like real men.

And then we'll carry Gus to bed, and then Justin and I will make out in front of the TV till Mommy gets home and I can take my boy home. Not to fuck, sadly. We still have to wait another twenty four hours or so.

But … we can find other ways to amuse ourselves, and maybe actually get a full night's sleep for once.

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Justin

I was going to tell Brian about the conversation with Lindsay, but really, there's no way to do that without hurting him even more because she seems to feel it necessary to weigh in on Michael's side, so I keep my mouth shut.

We play with Gus for a while, and then we have our dinner. Gus had already had his before we came, so he just has some milk. Then we all pile onto the couch together and watch a dvd. Some Disney thing. Gus doesn't actually last very long before he crashes. Linds had already given him his bath, so he's all ready to be tucked into bed.

Brian carries him to his room, and after I pull back the covers, he lowers Gus gently into the bed. He tucks him in and we stand looking at him a moment. I turn to walk out of the room, and pretend that I don't see when Brian bends down to kiss his son goodnight. I feel tears washing my eyes which is just ridiculous. So I blink them back, and go to make us both a coffee.

It's a long time later, and we've already watched one movie and are debating about whether it's worth starting another one because Lindsay should be back soon, when the phone rings. It's Linds to say that JR is ill and is in hospital. Linds is on her way there now and wants to know if we can stay with Gus till she gets home. Like that's something that she really needs to ask. Brian tells her sure, and all that, and gets off the phone. He has a strange look on his face and I wonder what he's thinking. It's sort of sad and a little bit vicious at the same time.

He doesn't say anything, though, and it's not till the next day that I find out from Deb that Mikey was supposed to be with JR, but they had some thing at Hunter's school, so, instead of arranging with Mel to swap nights or something, they left JR with those new friends of theirs. Apparently, the assholes realized JR wasn't well, that she had a fever, but they couldn't get through to Mikey's cell because he had it turned off at the school. And of course they didn't know who else to call. So eventually one of them drove down to the school to get Michael and then he called Mel and Linds and apparently there was some big scene at the hospital with Michael and Melanie snapping and snarling at each other.

Honestly, I don't blame Mel for being pissed at Michael. I mean, JR's being passed around between the three of them No one gets to spend much time with her as it is, so if Michael couldn't be with her, then why couldn't he just leave her with Mel for the night? And to leave her with someone that Mel doesn't even know, and, knowing he was going to have his phone off, to not even leave another emergency number … that's just beyond dumb.

Well, it's not just dumb, though. It's Mikey being the selfish spiteful little shit that he can be. And I know that side of him better than anyone, I think. I will never forget the way he treated me when I was first with Brian, the way he'd sneer at me, and the nasty little things that he said. I won't forget the way he was so quick to go running to Brian about me and Ethan. Or the things that he said to me after Brian and I split up. The way he implied that I'd only been with Brian for his money.

Most of all, I won't forget him breaking his word to me and letting Brian know that he knew about the cancer. And dropping me right in it by telling Brian how he'd found out. Especially when he was the one who'd insisted that we couldn't let Brian know we knew. If I'd told Brian myself, if I'd gone to him and discussed it with him, I could have saved us both so much hurt and heartache. But, like a total fool, I listened to Michael. Because I was so shaken, so fucking scared, that I couldn't think straight. And I forgot that Mikey is mentally and emotionally a fucking thirteen year old, and listened to him because he was the "grown up".

Well, never again. He is never going to fool me into giving him that much credit again.

People think that because I work with Michael on Rage that I've forgotten all that. But I haven't. I never will. Rage is business. He's my business partner. That doesn't mean that I have to like him, or even respect him. Just like Brian with Ryder, and with Gardner Vance. I keep my mouth shut about what I really think about Michael for Brian's sake, and for Deb's. But I haven't forgotten. I haven't forgotten any of it.

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Brian

So much for my early night.

It's nearly three o'clock before we get home. And then we just fall into bed and go to sleep.

But my dreams are restless. Finally I toss myself awake and know I have no chance of getting back to sleep. I get up and take myself down the steps and over to the window and stare into my reflection in the glass, trying to see my future in the face that looks palely back at me.

What if that had been Gus?

What if I'd had to rush Gus off to the hospital?

Fuck!

The Munchers would never have trusted me with him again.

I have to be more careful. I should make sure that it's not just Justin and I with Gus. I need to make sure that nothing happens to him when he's with me.

I'm not Mikey. I don't have any rights to my own kid. I have to rely on how generous Linds is feeling. And if ever she gets back with Mel …

Well, you can bet that the shit that they've all gone through because Mikey suddenly decided he wanted a full share of his kid is going to backfire on me. Because the courts have made it so that Mel can't do a fucking thing about having to share JR with him, and that's going to make her really put her lesbian boots into me. Because she can. Because I let her. Because, for one moment in my life I was a total fool and started to believe in happy families and that's what I wanted for my son. And I was even prepared to bow out of his life to give it to him.

Yeah, well, that worked out real well, didn't it?

Now they're all sharing JR, and they all have a right to that and I'm standing here staring into the darkness, praying to any God that will hear me that I don't fuck anything up so that they take away the tenuous little bit of connection I do have with my son.

And scared as hell that if that had been Gus tonight, they probably wouldn't have ever let me near him again, and everyone would have said that it served me right.

Why?

Why when it happens to someone else is it acceptable, is it all just "well, kids get sick", but if it happened when he was with me … I'd be the biggest asshole on the planet?

I try not to let all this fucking stuff get to me, but sometimes …

Sometimes it's hard.

I don't know what I've done in my life that's so fucking terrible that everyone thinks I'm such a piece of shit. Even my "best friend".

I just don't know.

But I guess they must all be right. I mean, it's not like it's anything new. My Mom thinks I'm going to burn in Hell, my father told me I should be the one dying, not him, my sister thinks I'm capable of molesting her fucking son, my best friend won't even give me the time of day any more.

They can't all be wrong, can they?

Even Justin. He's not saying anything, but I can see the wheels going round in his head.

This little STD of his has really freaked him out. So he's starting to feel like … like he deserved to get sick, because of all his playing around out in LA.

And that means it won't be long before he's thinking that I'd deserve it, too, if it happened to me. In fact, he'll probably wind up like my old man, thinking that it should have happened to me. Because we all know I'm the slut of the family, so I'd deserve any thing I get.

Which is fucked. Nobody deserves to get sick. Saying you deserve to catch some STD because you shouldn't be having sex, especially when you're as careful about it as we are, is like saying you deserve to get food poisoning if you just happen to pick up some bad prawns. Like eating seafood is something that deserves punishment. To think about sex and STDs that way is the same to me. It's nuts.

But he's still thinking he deserved it. I can see it in his eyes.

I don't think I've ever been so relieved as when my doc said I didn't have it. Because I don't know if either of us could have handled the chance that I'd given it to him. I'm not sure that either of us could have forgiven me for that. And I don't think we would have survived it.

Just like I don't think I would survive if anything serious happened to Gus while he was with me. They would never forgive me for it, none of them. And I don't think I'd ever forgive myself.

Which brings me back to where I started … I just have to be careful that we're not alone with Gus, Justin and I - or at least, not for very long.

Because I can't risk losing him. That's one chance I'm just not prepared to take.

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Justin

I can't believe it. I can not fucking believe it.

He just … he just walked out on me. Gave me one of his full on Brian Kinney death glares and just walked out of here like … like … like he used to. Like he did when I was nothing. When I felt that I was nothing.

He just fucking walked out.

I was just … last night was so good … the three of us. I loved being with Gus. He was so cute and funny when we were playing with him, and Brian was just loving it. And I loved watching the two of them laughing together. Then we all curled onto the couch. Brian was sitting at the end, and I was beside him, leaning into him, and Gus was sort of sitting on my knee, but leaning more and more across Brian. He finally fell asleep more or less laying across our legs.

After we got Lindsay's phone call, Brian went to check on him a couple of times - like he was afraid that Gus might have caught whatever JR has. And once Gus woke up and cried out. Brian went straight into him, so quickly you could almost see the carpet burning under his feet, but all Gus wanted was a drink. I fetched him some water and he took a few sips leaning against Brian, still only half awake, and then he sort of patted Brian's face and said something that sounded like "Sleepy Dadda."

Then he just flopped down again, and went back to sleep just like that.

Brian had this totally … beautiful look on his face. He's always maddeningly attractive. But when he's with Gus, something in him softens and he … his real beauty, the beauty that he hides inside, that part of him shines through and transforms him into something so radiant, so beautiful that it hurts to look at him.

I love seeing him like that.

So, this morning, I suggested that maybe we could ask Linds if we could have Gus overnight sometimes. Maybe even for a weekend.

And Brian …

He glared at me, really, really glared at me, like he was furious with me. Like I'd suggested something totally and completely fucked. Then he just snatched up his brief case and walked out.

Fuck!

I mean … I know that he doesn't want to turn into Mikey. I get that.

But I don't see why wanting to spend some more time with Gus is so terrible. Why wanting to have his son here, in our home, is such a fucking horrible idea that he won't even discuss it. That he just flies out of here as if I'd suggested we go up to fucking Canada and get married.

I don't get it at all. I don't get him when he's like this.

And sometimes I feel like I never will.

I don't want what Mikey has. I don't. I just want us to be able to spend some more time with his kid.

Why is that so fucking terrible? Why does he make me feel like I'm really fucking things up, just be suggesting it?

Why is this stuff such a fucking big deal to him?

I don't want the picket fence. I don't.

I like having the freedom to just be us.

Although things lately have made me realize what a two edged sword that freedom is. I still can't believe that I got syphilis. What if my Mom found out? How would she feel?

I don't want to even think about that.

And I don't want to think about what I'm going to do once the ban on sex is over. I don't really want to dive back into the pool right now. Although I know Brian is expecting me to. We're supposed to be going to Babylon tonight.

Well, Brian is usually there, of course, and I go most nights for an hour or two. But I don't … I just don't want to go back into that pattern again. Of hooking up with someone just to have a quick fuck, or maybe a blow job and then coming back here to be with Brian.

It's not that I want to settle down into some boring old married couple. It isn't. But …

I think I want more than this. I think I want to at least be able to believe that one day we'll have more than this.

I know that we're partners now. I know that everyone sees us as some sort of couple now, even if they don't think it counts because we're not monogamous, and we're not renovating or digging a garden or all that shit. Like that's what makes you a "real" couple. Which is fucked.

But I think that I want more. I just don't know exactly what.

It's not monogamy. Well, not from Brian. I don't expect it from him and that's okay.

But I think that I want to be able to cut back on outside partners without him thinking it's a big deal, or like a criticism of him, or something. And without other people thinking that.

And I know that I want to believe that somewhere in the future, we might settle down more. We might want to buy a house, or raise a kid together, or … something. I don't know what. Just something.

It's not what I want right now.

But I don't want to feel that the door is completely shut on that either.

And, with Brian …

I think it is.

I don't think I'm ever going to be able to have those things if I'm with him. Worse, I don't think I'm ever going to be allowed to think that one day I might want those things, without him going apeshit over me thinking that way.

I think … I'm afraid …

That if I stay with Brian, he's never going to want to change from how we are now. And how we are now is fine. For now.

But I hate feeling that it's all we're ever going to be, all we're ever going to have.

I don't know what I want. But I do know that I need to feel that it's okay to want … something. Something more, something that when it comes along will be better.

But …

Brian doesn't want more. Brian won't ever want more than this. Brian doesn't want to ever change.

And if I stay with Brian, I won't ever be able to change either.

And I just don't know how to live with knowing that.

I don't know if I can.

And I love him so much that I don't know how to live with the thought of not being with him either.

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