Canes and Planes and Christmas Pains
"For fuck's sake, Linds!" I hear Brian snap into the phone, and I feel really
guilty. If it wasn't for me, for my stupid clumsiness, Brian would already be in
Toronto. Now it's the day before Christmas Eve and he's stuck here in Pittsburgh
with me.
Fucking Pittsburgh winter. Trying to make it from the diner to the car (which of
course was parked miles away – well, over a block, anyway) without freezing my
ass off, I slipped on a patch of black ice, twisting my foot. I actually heard
one of the bones in my foot snap. Oh, yeah, and trying to break my fall, I
sprained my wrist.
That was two days ago. Since then, I've been stuck with my right foot in some
kind of "walking boot" and my left wrist wound up in a bandage. I feel like the
fucking Mummy.
And I feel guilty for keeping Brian here. I already felt bad because I'd refused
to go to Toronto with him. I just couldn't face more of their usual "oh, Justin,
you should be making the most of your chances in New York" sugar sweet shit.
Every time I leave New York, even for a weekend, it's the same.
Plus I don't see why Brian always has to fly to Toronto to see Gus. Why couldn't
they bring the kids down here for the Holidays? Brian offered to pay for
flights, hotels, anything they fucking wanted, but oh no … down here they'd have
to fit in with everyone else's plans and the kids' Dads would get to see all
they wanted of their offspring – Michael because he still has legal rights, and
Brian because he would be paying for everything. But up in Toronto the women get
to call all the shots. If Brian or Michael want to see their kids, they have to
follow all of "the rules". They're told what time they can arrive and how long
they can stay and what they're allowed to do and where they're allowed to take
the kids; and Brian at least never gets any real time alone with Gus. A few
minutes here and there maybe, but that's all.
It sucks.
This year Michael had to choose between going up to Toronto to see his daughter
and staying down here to help his Mom. Deb hasn't been really well for a while.
The doctors say it's just that she works too much and she needs to take it easy
and all that stuff that we've all heard before, but getting Deb to take it easy
is … well, keeping an eye on her is a full time job. So Michael decided that one
thing he could do to help was for him to host Christmas for the family at his
place this year so that at least she didn't have that to worry about. (Of course
she calls him twenty times a day to remind him of what food he has to buy and
what decorations he has to fetch from her place so he can put them up "like
always" and ask him if he's got all the recipes for everything she always makes
and remind him that Brian won't eat gravy so he has to have cranberry sauce as
well and a million other things but at least she's not actually doing all that
stuff).
That was when we still thought the girls were coming down here.
But then they announced that they thought the kids should have Christmas "at
home" in Toronto, so then Michael had to choose between seeing JR at Christmas
and canceling everything, which would of course had meant Deb would go back to
hosting dinner at her place because there's no way she'd miss Christmas, or
leave Emmett and Ted with nowhere to go for Christmas dinner.
Brian's solution was to pay for everyone to go to Toronto. But Carl didn't want
Deb traveling when she's not really well, Ben doesn't really like air travel (he
says that anyone with a compromised immune system should avoid planes and
hospitals because they're both breeding grounds for germs, bacteria and
viruses), Emmett's got functions on Christmas Eve and all through the week
leading up to New Year, Ted and Blake felt like they'd be intruding on a family
holiday, and I told Brian that part of the reason I'd come back to Pittsburgh
was to spend some of Christmas with my Mom and Molly.
That's true, of course, but mainly I just didn't want to have to deal with all
the bullshit from Lindsay and Melanie. When I was a kid they were kind of okay –
even if they were incredibly patronizing. But since Brian and I really got
together they've both spent way too much time meddling in our relationship –
like it's any of their fucking business.
I don't know what annoys me more – Mel's constant bitching about Brian and
telling me I should be looking for someone much better, or Lindsay telling Brian
about how I really need to "concentrate on my art right now" and making him feel
like he's holding me back, when most of the time he's the only thing holding me
together.
So I guess I put him in a horrible position because he had to choose between
staying here with me or going to see Gus. But we reached a compromise we could
both live with – like we usually do if people just leave us alone to work it
out. He was going to fly up to Toronto two days before Christmas, spend
Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with Gus, and then fly back here sometime
Christmas Day so we could have Christmas dinner at Michael's with the rest of
the family. Meanwhile I'd spend the time he was away with Mom and Molly.
So everything was going to be fine, until I inadvertently tried skating down the
street and broke my foot.
I think Lindsay's called him about six times in the last two days laying on the
guilt and telling him how disappointed Gus is that he can't be there and that
she was sure Jennifer would like the chance to take care of her son for a few
days.
She would too; but when (after Brian finally found me at the hospital) I told
Brian that he didn’t have to change his plans, that I could totally stay at my
Mom's, he looked at me like I was crazy.
"So you're going to let your Mom help you shower and wash your hair, are you,
Sunshine? Or will Molly do it? Oh, no, I know. You could get Tucker to help
you."
Okay, so he had a point there. But I would have managed somehow.
I didn't need him to get all control freak on me.
But of course, being Brian, that's exactly what he's done ever since we got
home. If I even look as if I'm going to stand up for a fucking minute without
the stupid cane they gave me, he threatens to tie me to the chair. If I'm ten
minutes late with the pain killers they prescribed, he's all over me, telling me
he doesn't want me crying on his shoulder because my foot hurts. (That was only
the first night when I just couldn't get comfortable in bed because I was either
lying with weight on my broken foot or my sore wrist. Brian solved that by
having some amazing specially designed support pillows delivered the next day.)
Right now, though, Brian's still on the phone to Lindsay and I hear him snap,
"That's how it's going to be, Linds, so unless you want to pay all your own
Christmas bills this year, I suggest you shut the fuck up and let Gus know that
I'll see him on Christmas Day."
That's new.
I guess by then Brian figures my wrist will be better so I won't need his help
as much. And I was going to have Christmas lunch with Mom anyway. So I guess
Brian and I will have Christmas morning together and then he'll fly out. It
still sucks, but at least I can stop feeling so guilty about Gus not seeing his
father at Christmas.
Deb will be upset that Brian's not going to be at Michael's for Christmas dinner
but as it's for Gus, hopefully she'll understand and won't spend the whole time
telling everyone who'll listen what an asshole he is.
I really wish that we spent our time at Britin when I'm in town, or even lived
together in New York, because sometimes I just need to get away from our
"family" and all their bullshit.
Even if they don't mean any harm (and I'm not always sure of that, especially
where Michael and Lindsay are concerned) they still manage to be hurtful in a
kazillion small ways that really add up after a while. It's a "death of a
thousand cuts" kind of thing, and they'd had years to do a number on Brian
before ever I came along. No wonder he's such a fuck up where emotions and
relationships are concerned.
And he just takes all their shit. Every time.
Except today it sounded like he lashed back for once. I can hardly believe he
threatened to derail the fucking gravy train those women have been riding ever
since Gus was born.
Even when he was so completely broke after the Stockwell thing, he would have
sold a kidney rather than have Gus go without; and ever since they moved to
Canada he's been practically supporting them, because of course Mel's
qualifications are pretty much useless up there and Lindsay hasn't been able to
find anything that pays nearly as much as Sydney used to pay her. I have a fair
idea of how much that was because he advertised the position in a whole batch of
art magazines just after they left and the ad gave the salary range.
Of course, with Kinnetik's success, Brian can afford it. But he shouldn't have
to. They shouldn't expect him to. He's got no legal obligation to them at all,
since they won't let him have any legal recognition of his relationship to Gus.
And the money he sends pays for a lot more than Gus could ever need.
But I bet neither Linds nor Mel see it that way. They seem to think that he owes
them for just being allowed to breathe the same air as Gus occasionally.
I try to rein back those thoughts.
There's no point into getting into all that with Brian because he doesn't want
to acknowledge any of it, let alone deal with it. Plus he's got enough to deal
with without me adding my frustrations to the mix.
Instead I watch as he tosses his phone onto the counter and switches on the
coffee maker.
"You want one?" he asks.
"Sure," I tell him, not sure whether to say anything about what I heard. It's
not like I was eavesdropping. He was right in the room with me.
In the end, I feel like it's really fucked to pretend I didn't hear. "So you're
going up there Christmas Day?"
He does one of those pulled in lips things and fusses with the coffee filter so
he doesn't have to look at me. "I need to see Gus sometime," he offers. "He's
disappointed enough. I don't want him to think his old man is a total fuck up."
I stifle a sigh.
This is the worst thing about the issues he has with Linds and Mel, and Michael
and Deb, for that matter. Whenever they pull one of their hatchet jobs on him he
shuts down. Even with me. Especially with me, because he's more vulnerable with
me than with any of them, except where Gus is concerned.
It's really frustrating, even when I know it's just that their shit has
triggered the defense mechanisms that he had thirty years to perfect before I
even met him.
Showing my frustrations will just make things worse though, so I try to let it
go.
"I was going to Mom's for Christmas lunch anyway," I remind him. "And by then my
wrist should be okay, so I won't need to rely on Mom or Molly to help me in the
shower."
"Or Tucker. Don't forget Jenn's sugar-baby."
I still don't like Tucker. Or at least, I still feel weird about him being with
my Mom. I mean, she's my Mom! It's weird seeing her riding around town on a
fucking motor cycle like some bikie bimbo.
But at least we know Tucker's not after her money or anything because it turns
out he's loaded. Well, his Dad was, and Tucker inherited most of it. Mom thinks
it's really noble or something that with all that money he wants to teach, but I
think it's just … I don't know … safe or something. Like if he never uses the
money to do anything, it will always be there so he doesn't have to worry. But I
guess he makes Mom happy, so I try not to get all obsessive about it.
Still, he's my Mom's boyfriend and I would never want him anywhere near me when
I'm naked. That would just take the weirdness too far.
There's one other thing that I'd like to know though. Even if I am kind of wary
about asking.
"So how long are you planning on being in Toronto?"
Brian and I had kind of made plans (not that making plans with Brian is anything
like a cut and dried process because he never fucking wants to be tied down to
anything) to spend New Years at Britin. So I'm hoping that he'll just go to
Toronto for three or four days and be back in plenty of time.
Predictably, he shrugs. "Who knows? Depends on how things go with the Munchers."
Knowing that asking if he would be back by New Years Eve would be like poking an
already irritated tiger, I let it go.
If Brian would rather spend the whole of the Holidays with his son instead of
with me, that's … well, not okay, but understandable.
It's all my own fault anyway. If I'd just fucking agreed to go up to Toronto
with him in the first place, if I hadn't been rushing so much I wasn't taking
proper care on the slippery sidewalk, if … if … if …
Brian comes to sit beside me on the sofa where I've got my foot propped on the
coffee table, the walking boot looking huge and awkward. Looks don't always
deceive. He drapes an arm round my shoulders, tangling his long fingers in my
hair.
"I won't go if you're still bandaged up like the Mummy," he says. "But the doc
seemed to think you'd have your wrist out of its wrappings by then anyway,
right?"
I nod. For some reason I'm finding it hard to speak.
He sighd. "Justin, if you really want to come up there for a few days, I'm sure
…
Just the thought of that is enough to remind me why I didn't, and still don't,
want to go. If ever I'm going to be able to deal with Linds and Melanie on my
own terms, to get them to see me as another adult, not just some infatuated kid
Brian fucks, it sure as shit isn't when I'm half an invalid.
So I shake my head. "No, travel with this thing on my foot would be a real pain.
Besides, I promised Mom I'd be there Christmas Day."
I try not to believe that he looks … relieved. Well, maybe he does. Maybe he
doesn't want to have to deal with the two women's patronizing attitude to me,
which kind of carries over to him – like the only partner he'd ever find to put
up with him is some love-struck kid. They're both so full of bullshit.
Lindsay wants him and Mel wants to be him. Oh, not a gay guy, necessarily. But
someone who is brilliant and successful and who has a partner who loves him, a
son who adores him, a bunch of friends who rely on him and who hasn't ever
compromised one atom of who he is to achieve any of that. That's why Mel resents
Brian so much – because he's everything she'd like to be and isn't. She's
compromised herself all the way along the line.
Like getting involved with those losers at the GLC. If Mel were honest with
herself, she'd admit that Tanis and the rest are the pretentious and elitist
useless pricks Brian has always called them. But instead she used to pretend to
go along with all their horse shit so she could lay claim to some kind of
"status" by being on the GLC committee. Brian would never do that. And Mel knows
it. And really, really resents him for having the integrity she lacks.
It took me a long while to understand that. I used to think they clashed because
they're so much alike, but in fact it's the opposite. They have similar
aspirations, I guess. And they're maybe driven by similar demons of growing up
feeling that they weren't quite good enough, could never quite fit in with the
kids from the country club set. So they both had something to prove. But the
difference – and it's fucking huge – is that Mel decided that she would fit in
by pretending to be something less than herself. Whereas Brian … Brian has
always said, "Fuck you, world. You'll take me as I am and learn to fucking love
it."
And doing that he's achieved more success, more status, than Mel could even
dream of.
Of course, the other thing that Mel hates Brian for is Lindsay. Not that Brian
can do much about that. He truly loves Linds, like he loves Michael, like
friends, like family. I might not understand it, because neither of them seem
worthy of his constant, unswerving loyalty. But you love who you love, and once
Brian gives his love, he can never really take it back.
He can't help the fact that their love for him is all mixed up not just with
sexual desire but with some kind of vision of him as their natural provider and
protector.
I don't quite get it, because I've never wanted to be dependent on Brian that
way; I've never wanted to be dependent on anyone that way. But maybe they tell
themselves that that's how they know he loves them. It sure as fuck seems like
that's how they kind of bind him to them. Especially Lindsay. She plays
vulnerable and helpless better than anyone I've ever seen.
If I didn't know better, I'd say that's maybe what WASP women do; but I do know
better, because I know my Mom would never manipulate people the way that Lindsay
does.
Especially, Lindsay tries to manipulate me; or Brian through me. Because I'm her
worst nightmare.
I'm the one Brian comes home to, I'm the one Brian wants to shelter and protect,
even though he knows I'd tell him to fuck off if he tried it. I'm the one that
Brian wants. I'm his partner.
And Lindsay can't stand it. So she refuses to see it. She refuses to acknowledge
it. She treats me as if I'm some dumb kid who is going to grow out of his
infatuation, and treats Brian as if he's some kind of predator keeping a sweet
young thing as his plaything. She has no respect at all for our relationship,
and if I had to spend more than a couple of hours with her at a time, I couldn't
resist telling her what I think of that.
I don't want to do that. Lindsay is important to Brian, and not just because of
their history, or his emotional attachment to her. She's his son's mother, and
the only factor that allows him to have any interaction with Gus; because if it
were up to Melanie, he'd never be allowed to spend any time with Gus, never be
allowed to contact him even.
So it's best that he goes to Toronto alone, even if it means that he'll miss
some of our Christmas celebrations; even if it means he misses New Years (if
they'll let him stay that long). Because Gus needs to know that his father loves
him enough to do that, and Brian needs Gus. Gus gives him a kind of love that he
hasn't had from anyone else in his whole life. It's not based on his image or
his looks or his sex appeal or his money. Gus loves Brian just for being his
"Dad", for being Brian.
So even though my own Holidays will sparkle less because Brian isn't here, I'll
just have to suck it up and make sure my disappointment doesn't spoil Brian's
time with Gus.
But right now I kind of need a minute to get myself together so I get up and
start to move towards the steps up to the bathroom, when Nurse Ratchet snaps,
"Where the fuck are you going without that fucking cane!"
*****
By Christmas morning, I'm almost glad when he drops me at Mom's on his way to
the airport.
Between the whole thing with the cane, and the cutting up the meat thing, and
the opening every damned can or bottle I pick up thing, I'm just over his whole
control freak obsessive protectiveness.
Or not.
Because I do know that it's one of his ways of showing me how much he loves me,
and how he hates that I'm hurting and how he'll do anything to make sure I'm not
hurt for a minute longer than I need to be.
But, fuck! He could drive a saint to want to beat him severely over that
stubborn control freak head of his with the fucking cane.
There've been more calls from the women over the last few days of course. One
from Melanie where I could hear her yelling down the phone clear across the
loft. Fuck, but she can be a total shrew when she doesn't get her own way over
something. I don't know what the big deal with Brian going up to Toronto is, but
she's over the top infuriated over it.
Or maybe she's just mad because he threatened to cut off the money.
Or both.
Who the fuck knows, with Melanie?
He's an asshole if he doesn't spend every weekend going to see Gus and an
asshole if he wants to spend any time at all with his son. If he doesn't give
them all the money they think they need he's a selfish prick, and if he does
he's trying to buy Gus's love, or Lindsay's.
Brian can never win any points with her.
He ended that phone conversation with her by snarling, "Don't make me get the
lawyers involved."
Which kind of shocked me, and I guess didn't make Melanie any happier because
Lindsay called later all tears and turmoil.
But Brian must have finally got sick of all the drama, because he switched off
all the phones except his cell phone and he only answers that if the caller ID
tells him it's not one of them calling.
Now he's going to have to deal with them face to face. I hope it goes okay. I
hope they don't spoil his time with Gus. Especially on Christmas Day.
Meanwhile, I have to try to forget about all that, and forget about the fact
that my partner is leaving me alone at Christmas and flying out to another
country and I don't even know when he'll be home and just try to enjoy today
with my Mom and Molly and then later with my other family.
*****
In fact, it's kind of nice to be fussed over by my Mom for a few hours at least,
and maybe I need it more than I think, because Christmas seems a little flat
this year. But Mom clearly loves having me here, and seeing how hard Tucker is
trying to make things work with me to keep her happy makes me realize he really
is a nice enough guy. Even Molly doesn't give me a hard time the way she usually
does. And Christmas lunch is fabulous of course. My Mom's a great cook. Now that
I'm doing more cooking for myself (because what normal person could afford to
eat out all the time in New York?), I really appreciate it more.
By the time I get to Deb's I'm wondering how I'm going to eat another thing, but
by the time I've had a couple of drinks (I'm off the pain killers now, thank
God, so even if Mr. Fucking Control Freak extraordinaire was here he couldn't
complain about me enjoying a glass or two of Deb's high octane eggnog) I'm
getting hungry again and when Deb announces that dinner is ready, I'm all for
it. Em is shepherding me carefully into a chair at the end of the table when the
door bell rings. We all kind of look at each other, because everyone is here
already, even Mom and Molly and Tucker, so it's kind of unexpected that anyone
else would come calling.
But then the hair on the back of my neck kind of prickles and I hiss at Emmett
that he has to get my cane.
Right. Now.
He fetches it for me and I'm already standing braced virtuously on the cane when
I hear an excited treble over Carl's deep rumble of greeting and then Gus is
running towards me and Brian is trying to catch him to make sure he doesn't
knock me over or leap on my foot. And suddenly this Christmas, which had been
fairly lack luster up till now, is just the best Christmas ever.
I'm sorry for Deb and Michael's disappointment that Brian couldn't get the women
to let JR come as well, but I'm too excited to see Gus, and too … overwhelmed?
relieved? ecstatic? … all of the above to have Brian here with me to be able to
spare much thought for that right now.
Now I understand why he put the screws on the women over the money, and why he
couldn't tell me in case it didn't work, and they didn't let him bring Gus back
with him.
I want time to think about that later, because it seems to me that if the
money's that important to them then there's a lot more Brian could get with his
dollar in the way of access to Gus.
But none of that is important right now. Everything that is really important is
here round the table – my whole family together for Christmas.
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