Persistence of Memory

Chapter 8 - Sunny

It was an incredibly eventful week for Gus. He felt like his whole life had changed, even more so than in the weeks since finding Justin's photographs in Dad's desk. His relationship with his mother felt brand new, like they'd reached a new level of understanding. They spent time talking all weekend long and he realized that he had never felt so free and so comfortable to be completely honest with his mother about his life, his thoughts, his hopes and dreams for the future. It seemed that she felt the same way, and for the first time in his life she treated him like an adult, rather than her "too-young-to-understand-anything" child.

His relationship with Sunny evolved as well, and not only because they had finally slept together. They couldn't get enough of each other physically, that was true; but the hours they spent together every afternoon at the loft were almost equally devoted to planning out their future together after graduation, as well as to lovemaking. They talked about prom, graduation, her 18th birthday coming up in a month, his 18th birthday in August. They talked about going to college together, regardless of where they got in, since half of the universities they applied to were the same.

They decided that they would live in the dorms the first year in order to have the "whole college experience" and then would get an apartment together. And, of course, they talked of his family, of everything he learned in the past few weeks about what happened 12 years ago, of his father and of Justin Taylor. They weren't sure how they were going to get those two together face-to-face to talk. They came up with different scenarios, but soon realized that they wouldn't be able to trick or fool Brian Kinney – it was as impossible to do as to lasso the Moon. They decided to wait until Gus talked to his Dad after he returned from Chicago, and based on that conversation they would figure out what to do next. Gus very briefly considered calling Justin in London, but quickly rejected the idea after he realized that he wouldn't know what to say, it seemed that that conversation was also dependent on his talk with Brian.

~*~*~*~

On Friday morning he met Sunny in the courtyard before class. She beamed at him and said,

"Guess what? I got into Carnegie Mellon." And whipped out the envelope she held behind her back that contained her acceptance letter.

"Guess what?" he replied, "So, did I!" and casually got out his own acceptance from the top pocket of his backpack.

"So, are we staying in the Pitts together?" she asked hopefully.

"Hell, yes! That's the plan, right - to go to college together?" he answered, picking her up and twirling her around until they were both dizzy.

"Yes, that's the plan," she answered laughing, when they were both still again. "Hey, my parents want to celebrate. They want to take us out to dinner after school. You game?"

"Sure, as long it's not DiPaggio's," he joked, winking.

~*~*~*~

To Gus, it was the happiest week of his life, but that euphoric feeling came to a screeching halt as soon as Sunny and he walked thought the doors of her parents’ house. Mr. and Mrs. North were waiting for them and practically fell on their daughter with hugs, kisses and hearty congratulations. Neither Sunny nor Gus understood at first what the hell was going on, since they had known of her acceptance to Carnegie Mellon since the previous evening, but almost immediately things became very clear.

"You got it, Sunny, the Prieze Fellowship! We just got the call. Congratulations!" Mr. North exclaimed.

"My baby - the best in the country! Oh, Sunny, I am so very proud of you!" cried Mrs. North. "Ron, I can't believe our baby is going to London!" she squealed and launched herself on her husband.

The Prieze Fellowship was an extremely prestigious private academic grant awarded by the Prieze Foundation to one American student pursuing studies in economics or finance in England. The grant covered full tuition, room, board, and provided a monthly stipend for all the years of study abroad. The competition to receive the grant was fierce. Sunny told Gus about applying to the London School of Economics and to the Prieze Fellowship a long time ago, when they first met at the beginning of the school year. She also told him that her chances of getting the grant were 1 in 5,000 – that's how many people applied for the Fellowship every single year.

The stunned look of joy on Sunny's face more than anything else made him realize that their plans for the future now lay in ruin. Gus was happy for her, but absolutely devastated that he would be losing her in just a few short months. While her parents happily hugged, she turned towards him with a huge smile on her face that quickly disappeared when she saw his broken expression.

"Gus..." She walked up to him and reached out with her hands, but he quickly stepped backwards just out of her grasp and asked:

"When did you get into the school?" he asked in a hollow voice.

"I got the letter from LSE two weeks ago, but, Gus..."

He interrupted her in mid-sentence. "You don't have to explain. You don't have to say anything. Congratulations, Rae. I'm really happy for you. Really, Rae. That's great...I...congratulations. I just remembered that I promised my mother something...I have to go. I'm sorry. We'll go out...later, OK? I...I'll see you."

Gus turned around and quickly left, his heart squeezing painfully in his chest. He jumped into his Jeep and peeled out of the North’s driveway. He drove around for close to an hour ignoring his cell phone that rang every ten minutes on the dot. He drove around town not knowing where he wanted to go and somehow ended up in front of his father's loft. He went upstairs and the phone rang again just as he got inside the door. The incessant ringing finally got to him and he answered it with a roaring, "WHAT?"

"Gus Peterson-Kinney," Sunny said in an uncharacteristically stern tone of voice, "don't you dare treat me like that! I don't deserve this, not from you. Where are you?"

"Rae..."

"Oh, I'm Rae now, am I? I've been Sunny to you for months. I was Sunny when you introduced me to your family, to your father. I was Sunny to you on Monday when you said you loved me. I was Sunny to you when you were inside me. Now you are upset and I'm suddenly Rae? That's bullshit, Gus! If you love me, if you want to be with me you do not, I repeat, YOU DO NOT fucking run at the very first sign of trouble. Now, where the fuck are you? Because we are going to talk this through!" she said. Her forceful tone of voice left no room for arguments.

"The loft," he answered almost automatically.

"I'll be there in 30 minutes, Gus. Don't leave!" She abruptly hung up and he was left alone with his thoughts.

"Rae..." he thought, crestfallen and shaking his head, "I called her Rae! Fuck! I'm more like Dad then I realized. I didn't even let her explain anything. I just got upset and stormed off. I basically had a major queen-out and I'm not even gay. God, what is wrong with me? Have I learned NOTHING in the last month?"

He started pacing in front of the expanse of the floor-to-ceiling windows of the loft, periodically looking at the city skyline and thinking about his Dad and Justin Taylor, and their parting of the ways 12 years ago, as well as about Sunny and him.

~*~*~*~

By the time she called up from downstairs his decision was made. When he opened the loft door and she walked in, he grabbed her hands and said without preamble, "I am not going to do it!"

"Do what?" she asked surprised.

"Lose you. I'm just not!" he answered vehemently.

"Gus..." Sunny sighed.

Before she could continue, he interrupted, "Do you love me, Sunny? Do you want to be with me? Do you want us to be together?"

"So, it's back to Sunny now, huh?" She was suddenly angry again. She tore her hands from his grasp and throwing her purse onto the nearby couch, began to pace just like he did a few minutes before.

He watched her for a couple of minutes, then quietly said, "Yeah, you'll always be my Sunny." Then he stopped her, by putting his hands on her shoulders and looking down onto her face. "I'm sorry I acted like such a complete ass; spoiled a pretty important moment for you and in front of your parents too. God, I'm so sorry, Sunny."

"I'm sorry too," she said simply, her anger dissipated as quickly as it came on.

"What the fuck for?"

"For not telling you about the acceptance letter from LSE. The thing is that I never expected to get the Fellowship, it was just such a long shot; and without it LSE was a 'no go'. I simply cannot afford to study abroad without a scholarship of some kind and getting that huge of a student loan would just be stupid. When I got the letter two weeks ago, I thought 'oh, that's nice' and just put it away. When we talked about going to school together earlier this week I meant it, every word! When we talked about staying in the Pitts and going to Carnegie Mellon this very morning, I meant it too. And you know what? Our plans don't have to change. I don't have to go to London. I..."

"Oh, no! You are going to London! You are not going to turn down a prestigious Fellowship that one, one, student a year wins. That's an opportunity of a lifetime, Sunny, and you are not going to let it go because of me. Because if you do, you will regret it, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life."

"Where have I heard that before?" She frowned.

"Casablanca."

"Jesus, Gus! You are quoting a movie? Now? And even worse, you are saying that I'm Ilsa, fucking Ilsa? That I should go merrily on my way to London-town, whistling a happy tune, while you make the big sacrifice on my behalf; do the big gesture and let me go, like Bogie? What's next, 'We'll always have Pittsburgh'? Fuck that, Gus!" she exclaimed, agitated once more.

"Rick, the characters' name is Rick. Bogie was...what am I saying? It doesn't fucking matter!" he mumbled to himself.

"Gus!" she said, exasperated, raking her fingers through her hair impatiently.

Gus suddenly grabbed her by the shoulders. "Shut up, Sunny! Just, shut up and answer me - do you love me and want us to be together?"

"Yes, I love you! Of course, I want us to be together, though you are seriously trying my patience!"

"Good. Because you are not Ilsa in this scenario – I am!" he said with absolute conviction.

"What?" she asked in confusion.

"Remember what you said about Rick? That if he loved Ilsa, he should have sacrificed on their behalf, for their love and for their future, like she wanted to do when she wanted to stay behind with him? Well, that's what I am going to do. I'm going to be Ilsa; but instead of staying behind, I'm going to London with you!"

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