Persistence of Memory

Chapter 7 - Mama's Story & Other Developments

"Mama, we need to talk."

"Of course, lambskin. What about?" She wrapped her hands around her coffee cup and took a delicate sip.

"God! You know I hate it when you call me that!" Gus groaned, and then sighed.

"Sorry, sweetheart. Is that better?" She asked him, smiling sweetly.

"Sure, whatever. Mama..."

"Are you hungry? Do you want some breakfast?" Lindsay quickly interrupted, setting her coffee cup down and getting up from the table. She was about to breeze past him when Gus suddenly captured her hand, preventing her from leaving the breakfast nook and gently forcing her to turn around to look at him. Gus suddenly realized that his mother somehow knew what was coming and was desperately trying to avoid it.

"Not gonna happen!" he thought.

"Gussie..." she started, but Gus had had enough evasiveness from her.

"Lindsay!" he said sternly, in a perfect imitation of his father's voice, without really being aware of it. "Sit down, please!" Lindsay was so surprised that she complied immediately and sat down in a chair next to him, forgetting all about making him breakfast, her coffee and her newspaper.

"Mama, I want to talk about Justin Taylor," he said, still holding her hand.

She shook her head vehemently, "Gus you are not..."

"Yes, mama, I am old enough," Gus interrupted quietly. "I've already talked to Grams and Uncle Mike, and Em, so I know most of the story..."

"Michael and Emmett?" she cried in astonishment. "I didn't know. Deb told me you just talked to her. She said she told you..."

"A whole lot of vague nothing. Grams, who has the memory of an elephant, was surprisingly sketchy with the details. She gave me a lot of background, skirting anything specific. Uncle Mike and Auntie Em, though, were honest. They were honest, mama. That's all I am asking. This was a long time ago. I am not trying to hurt you, I just want to understand."

"Gus!" she pleaded.

But before she could continue, he asked, "I know pretty much everything that happened that night. I am not asking you to repeat it. I just want to know why. Why did you convince Justin to go to New York? He could have stayed here..."

"New York is the center of the art world; he couldn't have had much of a career here, Gus!" She said it like a mantra, as if it had been rehearsed a thousand times.

"I'm sorry, mama, but you know as well as I do that it's bullshit. Pittsburgh may not be the center of the art world, but it's a pretty thriving province. If it wasn't, you wouldn't have a job. There are plenty of successful artists living here, like Adrienne Bennett, who's in a damn wheelchair, paralyzed and amazingly successful. You've said so yourself when you introduced me to her. Besides, after Justin and Dad broke up, Justin left New York. He's been living in London ever since and, guess what, he's hugely successful on both sides of the ocean. Please tell me the truth, mama, why? Why New York? It was one of the reasons they canceled their wedding."

"Gus, you are too young to understand this about your father, but marriage would have changed Brian. It wouldn't have been him anymore. Neither Brian nor Justin wanted that, neither of us wanted him to change who he was," she said, trying to deflect his questions.

"Who - an over the hill club boy; forever single and alone?"

"Gus!" she said outraged.

"Mama, come on!" Gus exclaimed in frustration. "I grew up on Liberty Avenue; don't you think I've heard worse? I know that Dad used to screw everything male that moved. I know that they had an open relationship. I could not help but hear the rumors over the years being around Liberty, Red Cape and the diner almost every day. Uncle Mike and Emmett said that all that changed when they got engaged. They were happy until you started talking to them about New York... Everyone thought he changed for the better, but even if he had changed for the worse, it was his life, his decision and their relationship. It wasn't up to you to decide for them and convince them to do something that damaged their future. Why did you?" he implored.

"I was jealous, OK! Jealous!" she suddenly shouted, then sprang up from the chair and started pacing.

"But...but...but..." Gus sputtered, "you are both gay!"

"Not that kind of jealous, Gus! It was never about sex between us."

She sighed heavily and sat back down. She sat silent for a few minutes, looking out the window, her hands playing nervously with the sash of her silk robe. Before Gus could urge her to start talking, she suddenly turned around and looked directly at him, blinking back tears. Then she began.

"This is very difficult, very painful for me to say and to admit. I feel guilty and ashamed, and sorry... but there's nothing I can do to change the past. The truth is, I was jealous of Brian, of Justin and of them both and for a lot of reasons. I liked Justin when I met him, a lot. His artistic talent at first intrigued me, then impressed me and then it staggered me. I didn't have even a tenth of the talent he possessed even as a boy of 17; even after he got a permanent brain injury in the bashing. He only got better and better with time, while my skills with a paintbrush, pencil, and charcoal only kept deteriorating." She suddenly stopped, leaned over the table and picked up her forgotten cup of tepid coffee. She gulped it down a little too quickly and coughed, but then a minute later she was in control again and continued.

"I've always admired artistic talent in others, tried to emulate it, but without much success. I might have been mildly envious of some of the artists I knew and worked with before, but it was nothing compared to what I felt for Justin's talent. This envy grew like a cancer in me, coming seemingly out of nowhere. I don't know when or how or even why I started being jealous of him, but somewhere along the line I began to get this awful, gnawing feeling of humiliation over my own failure and inadequacy every time I saw his work. The kicker is that I loved his work, still do. I was and still am in utter awe of it! And I loved him, as a friend, as a surrogate kid sometimes, even as a brother. His artistry, however, isn't the only thing I envied about Justin. He met Brian at 17, the same age that you are now and he fell in love with him immediately. He knew, KNEW, what and who he wanted right away and pursued Brian without hesitation, and with a relentlessness that was bordering on obsession. He was so strong, so brave, so resilient, so independent, so optimistic, with a maturity beyond his years. It took me all of my twenties to get to a point emotionally that he reached by the time he was 19. I was both proud and terrified of his strength of character. And again, envious..." she said quietly and fell silent again, thinking.

"What about Dad? Why were you jealous of him?" Gus asked, urging her to continue talking.

"Similar reasons, actually," she answered thoughtfully. "While Justin is an artist with a paintbrush, Brian is an artist when it comes to words, to a perfectly written ad copy. I envied his success, his ease along the corporate ladder, while partying into oblivion every single night. He worked hard, there's no doubt about it, and Brian deserved all the success that he has achieved, even before he started Kinnetik. He deserves it still." Then she let out a strangled sort of laugh and shook her head.

"Actually, I think that I envied the fact that he was doing what he loved, more than his actual success or his material possessions. He did what he LOVED at work, and after work he lived his life exactly as he wanted with no apologies, no excuses, no regrets, no responsibilities and seemingly no consequences. He was living his dream and when he started Kinnetik, he discovered a new dream that he didn't even know he wanted, and he made a huge success of it too. I, on the other hand, had to settle for second best, because I didn't have the talent to make it as an artist, which is all I've ever wanted and all I've ever dreamed of professionally." Then she shook her head again and sighed deeply.

"Truth be told, even if I did have the talent, I don't think I would have had the balls to go to New York by myself, to try my fortune on my own. The life of a starving artist never appealed to me. The thing is that I liked teaching art and I do like gallery work; and I am good, even very good at it. But I've never loved either job, and neither one has ever felt like a career, like a vocation. Deep down it's always made me dissatisfied, made me feel like I was pretending, made me feel like a fraud. So, that's why I envied him with a passion – he had the courage, or more accurately, a devil may care attitude, to take risks and succeeded, while I've always chosen the easier, much more traveled road and always felt that I've failed. "

"You said you envied them both. Why?" he asked, apprehensively.

Gus was transfixed by his mother's account. He hung on to her every word in utter disbelief. Her revelations were illuminating, yet, incredibly painful.

"This is my mother," he thought, "and I don't know her at all."

"I think I might be ashamed of that most of all..." she said, picking up her beautifully folded paper napkin and unfolding it in her fingers. "Before Brian met Justin, he had never loved anyone. No, let me rephrase that... He had never allowed himself to love anyone, except me and Michael, and, perhaps Deb. He loved Deb like a mother, Michael like his best friend - no, like a brother - and me like a best friend. Not that he ever said the words 'I love you' to any of us. He used euphemisms or when we told him we loved him, he would reply with 'always have, always will' without ever saying the words. That was the case for years, until Justin came along." Then she stopped for a few seconds, as if collecting her thoughts.

"Then things changed, not overnight by any means, but they did." When she began speaking again, her busy fingers began to shred her previously beautiful napkin arrangement into tiny little pieces.

"Their five year relationship was no picnic for Justin, let me tell you. They would break up, get back together, and then break up again. It took five years and a bomb at Babylon for Brian to finally admit to Justin that he loved him. But the thing is, even though things didn't change overnight, they started to change the very night that Brian met him - the same night you were born. He began to break all his rules almost immediately and he began to change himself. It was pretty obvious to all of us pretty soon that Brian was completely in love with Justin, though he refused to acknowledge it for a very, very long time."

"So, did you think that Dad wouldn't love you anymore, wouldn't be your friend? Were you afraid of losing him? Is that why you were jealous of Justin, of them both?"

"No...It's not that exactly. I knew that Brian's feelings for me wouldn't change, especially after I had you. It was the feeling they had shared that I envied..." she said wistfully, while her fingers continued to lay waste to the napkin. "...A feeling I've never experienced, even to this day – a feeling of being completely, unreservedly, irrevocably in love. I loved Mel, very much and for a few years we had a very good life together. We had kids together, a home, a future. For a while we were content, even happy, but in love? No. I've never been in love, with all that it entails. Up until Brian met Justin, I thought that we were very much the same, cut of the same cloth, so to speak. I thought that we could love, though he wouldn't allow himself to do so, but we were those people who didn't have the ability to fall in love. Wendy and Peter, together forever." She gave a short laugh and to Gus it sounded incredibly sad and lonely.

"So, I was content to build my safe hearth, home and family with Mel, while living vicariously through Brian's wild existence. That all changed when Justin came along, as I said. At first, I thought it was great. I thought that Justin would make Brian more human, or something. I encouraged the relationship, but again, somewhere along the line this uncontrollable jealousy had set in. At first I didn't even notice it, didn't recognize it. Then, like Brian, I refused to acknowledge it. Mel and I were having problems and I was dissatisfied with my own life for various and sundry reasons and eventually it became almost painful to see them together. They looked at each other the way they've never looked at anyone else. Sometimes they looked at each other like no one else in the world existed. I envied that look, so, so much!" She ended on an anguished whisper, her fingers slightly shaking and there were tears in her eyes. There was nothing left of her napkin, but dust.

"Why, Mama?" Gus whispered urgently, reluctant to raise his voice for some reason.

"Because no one has ever looked at me like that in my entire life and I've never felt that way about anyone in order to do the same. So there it is, in a nutshell – your mother is a failure in almost every way, an extremely weak and pathetic woman who begrudged the happiness of two people who were very important to her, and who did everything in her power to destroy that relationship because of selfish, all-consuming jealousy," she said, her voice defeated.

"So, you convinced Justin to go to New York..."

"It wasn't a conscious plan, it was a more instinctive 'what if' scenario – either they break-up because of the distance or Justin's art career doesn't take off; either way..."

"You win..." he guessed.

"Yeah. I win. Except, his career did take off, because of his enormous talent, his perseverance and his optimism. And their relationship was working out – their monogamous, long-distance relationship, which in the Brian Kinney world at the time, was akin to hell freezing over. That night at the family dinner at Deb's I saw them together and they were so incredibly happy, more in love than ever... Justin's show was a huge, huge success, he was offered another show in a few months and they were talking about Justin finally coming home so that they could start their life together. At that moment, I felt like fate had stabbed me in the back, because my life was a complete and utter mess! Mel and I were having serious problems – personally, professionally, financially. The move to Canada, in my opinion, was a huge mistake, but it was done. I made my bed and I had to lie in it. I tried to make the best of it for almost two more years afterward, until I finally came to my senses and came home with you to Pittsburgh."

"So that night, at Grams'..."

"Everything was fine until they started talking about Justin's show, the success, the acclaim, the offer of another show. And then they started talking about him coming home to Britin... and I just couldn't help myself. I just had to do something to spoil it all, so I did. I mentioned Ethan and I made it sound worse than it was deliberately," she admitted.

"God, Mama. How could you hurt Dad like that?" Gus asked, shaking his head.

"I don't know how, Gus. I swear to you it was not premeditated," she said, suddenly agitated again, trying her best to make him believe her. "I wasn't planning on it, it just slipped out because I was frustrated with my own life, jealous of theirs and, at that moment, I didn't care who I hurt, as long as I felt better. I regretted it immediately, especially when Mel jumped in with her own, completely unfounded, utterly fabricated accusations."

"Wow! How did you find out about Ethan? You... we were in Toronto, weren't we?" he asked hopefully, desperate not to have been a part of any of it, even indirectly.

"I was in Toronto with you and JR, but Mel just happened to be in New York for a legal conference that week. She was scheduled to attend it before we moved to Canada. She saw Justin having dinner with Ethan and she told me about it. She knew that nothing happened between them because they left the restaurant separately, took different cabs, went in different directions. Justin never knew she was there. She never looked him up. Mel has never been a fan of Brian's and she very gleefully said 'oh, wouldn't it be nice if Justin got together with Ethan again', or something along those lines. We had a laugh, forgot all about it... until I remembered it at Deb's and blurted it out. I thought that it would make me feel better, about myself, about my situation, but... what happened afterwards... I... I have no words how to describe it, Gus. It was such a mess and I had created it. Did I feel better? No. On the contrary, when Justin left that night, I've never felt worse... Regret doesn't even begin to cover it. Shame, guilt and regret – I've carried them with me for the past 12 years."

"How in the world did Dad ever forgive you?" Gus asked, incredulous.

"Forgive me? He has never forgiven me! Our relationship has never been the same since."

"But you do have a relationship..."

"Oh no, sweetheart!" She laughed sadly. "Brian tolerates me in his life only because of you! If you were not a part of the equation, if you weren't his son, for example, our relationship would have died that night too, just as his future with Justin did."

"Have you ever tried to apologize, to make things right? With either or both of them?"

"By the time I came to my senses and gathered my courage to talk to Justin, to make amends, to ask for forgiveness, he had already changed his number and blocked everyone's email address. I tried to reach him at the gallery in New York, but he refused to take the call. He called once to say goodbye to you, once we returned to Toronto, but he absolutely refused to talk to me or listen to anything I had to say. As for Brian, he refused to let me apologize. He threatened to take me to court and get his parental rights back, if I ever mentioned Justin or that night ever again. Mel laughed off his threat, but I saw in his eyes that he wasn't kidding and that it would behoove me to toe the line. I haven't wavered since."

Once she stopped speaking, they fell into a complete silence and sat there either looking at each other or looking out the window and not saying a word. The more he thought about his mother's story, the more he understood why she would always get so upset at the mention of Justin's name – her all-consuming envy, was replaced by crippling guilt. The more he thought about her story and her explanation, the sadder he became and he felt badly on behalf of his entire family, his dad, his mother, himself and Justin included.

Gus looked at the kitchen clock and was surprised that it was barely 10 am that bright Saturday morning, yet, he felt drained and weary to the bone, as if he just finished a full day of some sort of physically demanding job. "Like laying bricks." he thought. "No, more like tearing them down."

They continued to sit in silence, waiting for something...neither of them knew what. Gus kept looking at his mother, thinking, and then he realized that he was wrong - he knew her after all. And he realized she was wrong too – about herself. Even though he was mad at her and disappointed in her over her involvement with the whole Brian and Justin fiasco, he realized that there had already been enough anger and blame. He realized that what everyone needed now was a little bit of forgiveness, starting with him and his mother.

"Mama..." he said hesitantly.

"Yes?" she answered and her voice suddenly sounded scared and very young, like a girl's and not that of a grown woman in her mid-forties.

"Mama, you are not a failure, you know. And you are not pathetic. Until today, until you told me this story, I've never seen you be selfish with anyone. If you were those things in the past, it sucks, but it's OK. You are human, right? Plus you were a lot younger, aren't you supposed to make stupid mistakes when you are younger?" She gave him a watery smile and nodded, desperately trying not to cry.

"You fucked up big time, no lie, but so did everyone else, including Dad and Justin. But it's been 12 years, Mama! We've gotta get these walls down in our family." He smiled, thinking of his 'bricks' analogy. "We've gotta fix this somehow, make things right, don't you think? Then nobody will feel bad, sad, afraid or guilty anymore."

"Oh, sweetheart!" she exclaimed; then fell on him, hugging him so tightly he thought he might suffocate and began to cry like he had never seen or heard her cry before.

Gus called Sunny, very briefly told her of his conversation with his mother and told her that he'd spend the weekend at home, getting to know his Mama again. Sunny completely understood and told him she'd see him at school on Monday.

~*~*~*~

"Gus, wait up!" Sunny caught up with him in the courtyard of the campus. They hugged and kissed in greeting.

"Hey, Sunny, how was gym class?"

"Over and I am SO glad that school is done for today! I have something to tell you, let's sit down." She led him to a bench under a birch tree that was planted years ago in honor of some ancient school official. They dropped their backpacks on the ground and as soon as he sat down he asked, "Well?"

"He's dead, Gus!" Sunny exclaimed somewhat excitedly, which was completely incongruous with what she actually said.

"Who's dead?" he asked, somewhat bewildered.

"Daniel Fletcher."

"Who? Who the fuck is Daniel Fletcher?" He frowned.

"Christ, Gus, you are on this quest to find out what happened between your almost second father and your Dad, yet, you pay no attention! Daniel Fletcher is, or rather was, Justin Taylor's husband. Neither one of them changed their last names after getting married."

"Why are you so fucking happy he's dead? That's kind of awful news, don't you think?"

"I know it's awful and I am not happy that's he's dead, per se. I am just excited that Justin Taylor is single and you can reunite him with your Dad!"

"Sunny, I love you, but that's completely demented! They haven't seen or spoken to each other in 12 years. My father doesn't even speak his name..."

"But he thinks of him. He put him in his will, he kept the house he bought for him, he kept the rings, the drawings, the photographs. He doesn't speak his name because it still hurts. What if he still loves him? If it's really too late to get them back together, fine. But, it's definitely NOT too late for them to talk to each other, apologize maybe, get over the pain. Maybe if he gets some closure, your Dad will be happy again, or happier. Maybe if Brian Kinney and Justin Taylor can talk about the past together and put it behind them, maybe then your entire family can. Everyone will be happy, or at least, happi-ER again. Isn't it what you want, Gus? Isn't that partly why you started all this?"

"Yeah, yeah, you are right, Sunny. How did Daniel die by the way, and how did you find out?"

"I did a search online, of course. I just dug a little deeper than your superficial glance at one or two pieces of information right off the top. And Daniel Fletcher, he died in a car accident almost exactly two years ago – some drunk idiot did an illegal right turn and plowed into his taxi. Daniel was killed instantly, the taxi driver died in hospital and the drunk driver walked away. Well, from the accident that is, he's now in prison. The whole thing is really sad. They were married for five years, had a little girl a year after they got married. I'm not sure whether she was adopted or conceived via surrogate – the info on the kid is pretty sketchy, privacy laws and all that. But from the one picture I saw of her online, my money's on a surrogate – she's blond, blue eyed and completely gorgeous. So, I'd say she is Justin Taylor's biological kid. They were a beautiful family and now Justin Taylor is a widower and a single father of a six-year-old girl. From all the research I've done, he hasn't been dating anyone since. At least he was alone at all the gallery and art functions in the last two years."

"Do we have a name?"

"Of the little girl? That's another thing I couldn't find out. So, gorgeous Gus, are we getting them back together for a tête-à-tête, at the very least, or what?"

"This is completely crazy, probably impossible - considering they live in different countries and an ocean apart – and it's also ridiculously romantic! However it turns out in the end, let's do it!"

"Let’s do it!" She agreed excitedly and kissed him. Suddenly, she broke off the kiss and with wide eyes asked, "Wait...wait...did you just say you loved me? I got so excited about my idea, I totally missed..."

Gus kissed her again and effectively stopped her suddenly nervous chatter. When the kiss ended, he picked her up under the shoulders, lifted her as high as his arms were able and twirled her around a few times, until she laughed happily. Then he stopped and still holding her up, quietly said as she looked down onto his face, "Yes, I did. I am in love with you, Rowena Marie North!" Then he shouted, "I am completely and totally in love with you, Sunny, and I am NOT afraid to say it!"

He set her down on the ground, slowly sliding her down his body and when her feet touched down again and she was now looking up into his eyes, he asked nervously, "Well...what do you think?"

"Think? I can't think... because I am in love with you too, Gus!" They kissed again, deliriously happy, then broke off and smiled at each other. Then Sunny said, "There was one thing I have been thinking about for a while now… a long while." She took a deep breath and then continued, "I think we should forget waiting until prom. I don't want to wait any longer. I am in love with you and I want you... NOW!"

"Are you sure?" he whispered his throat suddenly dry.

"I haven't been more certain of anything in my life!" she said sincerely.

"My Dad's out of town. Do you want to go to the loft? It's not too far and no one will be there, guaranteed," Gus asked nervously.

"Oh, yes! Yes, absolutely," she answered with a smile on her face that took his breath away. They grabbed each other by the hand and ran as fast as they could towards Gus's Jeep.

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