Persistence of Memory

Chapter 3 - Deb's Story

A few days later Gus and Sunny were studying at her place after school. They were lying on her bed, their laptops, books and notes spread all around them. While taking a break he told her what happened when he tried to talk to his mother and father about Justin Taylor. Sunny thought it curious that they had such extreme reactions to his questions.

"Extreme? Why extreme?"

"Well, what would you call it? From what you told me you heard that your mother supported Justin's artistic talent, and was a good friend of his. Now she cries at the very mention of his name and refuses to discuss anything to do with their fallout? It's kind of a strong reaction. It's curious. You said the first time you asked her about it she acted embarrassed, guilty – maybe she is. Maybe she had something to do with their breakup."

"God, I hope not. I don't think she could be that cruel." Gus was shaking his head in denial. "Besides, I doubt my Dad would be on speaking terms with her if she was a part of it. As for Dad, I think his reaction is understandable, not that extreme."

"Well, maybe not extreme, but definitely curious. I can understand him not wanting to talk about an ex, especially after a dozen years. What's curious is that I think he still cares for that ex and cares a great deal. I have a box of mementos from my very first boyfriend. It's tiny, sealed with tape and I keep it in the back of the highest shelf in the closet," she said, motioning towards her closet doors.

"Meaning, I know where it is, but it's not within easy reach. I don't look at it or its contents every single day. I was even thinking of throwing it away when I was packing my shit for the move to Pittsburgh. I decided to keep it because I wanted to remember the feeling of being in love for the very first time, not necessarily because I wanted to remember my first boyfriend. Your Dad, though..." She sighed, thought for a moment and then continued, "There wasn't a speck of dust in that drawer, Gus. It’s obvious he looks at that stuff fairly often. And that will? It was updated just a month ago. How often does one update a will anyway?"

"He gets it updated before every yearly physical. At least that's what I overheard being said once. He had cancer about 14 years ago. It has never returned and he's healthy, but I think he gets the will updated, just in case he gets a bad diagnosis. That way it's done and he doesn't have to worry about mundane details while he's going through treatment."

"Wow!" She shook her head in amazement. "He must have balls of steel, that man. I don't think I would be calmly updating my will thinking I just might get cancer. I am starting to admire Brian Kinney more and more as time goes on."

"Yeah, you aren't the first, believe me." Gus chuckled. "I think you are right. I think he still has feelings for Justin."

"I'd say that's pretty obvious. What kind of feelings, though, that's hard to say. I know this – you don't keep meaningful, personal things pertaining to your ex for a dozen years within easy reach and peruse them with any kind of regularity, if that person is meaningless to you. It wouldn't make any sense for anyone to do that."

"I agree. I forgot to tell you this; he got so upset he stormed off into his office, locked himself in there and didn't come out for the rest of the night. I've never seen my Dad have that kind of a reaction before to anything. Most things just roll off his shoulders; he usually deals with his problems like they are insignificant bits of lint."

"See, I told you – extreme," she said with confidence.

"Yeah. It also means I will get nothing from my parents in terms of information. At least not right now, if ever. If I want to find out what happened, it will have to be from someone else."

"I say you should talk to your grandmother first," Sunny suggested immediately.

"Grams first? Why?"

"I never knew my grandparents on mom's side – they died before I was born. I loved my grandmother on Dad's side. She was a serene woman with the kindest heart. I was sad when she died, still am. And I loved my granddad, very much. I loved both of them and thought they were great," she told him wistfully. Then she smiled brightly and continued, "But regardless of that, I envy, actually envy your grandparents. Carl reminds me of my grandfather a little bit – it's the whole gruff exterior, teddy-bear inside thing. And Debbie...I just love Debbie!" She laughed. "She's so outgoing, so full of life and fun. She's so welcoming, so accepting. She's all out there – no pretense, complete honesty, what you see is what you get. She strikes me as a no-nonsense kind of woman who doesn't believe in mincing words. If you are going to get a truthful answer and in minute detail, it'll probably be from her."

"That's Grams, all right!" Gus agreed wholeheartedly. "Everyone she encounters she treats like they are her kids. She's not my biological grandmother, but I am her grandson nonetheless. Always have been and always will be. I've met my grandparents on my mother's side and I'll take Debbie over them any day! And you know what? She already considers you her granddaughter, just because we are dating. You are hers and she's yours already, and forever. She still gives free lemon bars to my ex-girlfriends when she sees them, even though she didn't like them all that much – she thought they were too flaky for me." He laughed. "And they still flock to the diner to talk to her whenever they have boy trouble. So, you are right, she's a good place to start. My worry is not that she'll lie. My worry is that she might not talk to me about this at all. But it's definitely worth a shot to try. I'll tell you what happens."

"You better! I'm now emotionally invested in all this and will surely die of curiosity if you keep mum."

"Well, we can't have that now, can we?" He gave her a quick kiss and got off the bed. "Well, no time like the present. I can't concentrate on homework with this on my mind anyway. She's home today, so I'm going to go talk to her now. Later?"

"Later."

~*~*~*~

Gus drove up to his grandparents’ house, parked, got out and did a double-take. The usually red front door was now painted a bright orange with a black trim. It looked like Halloween descended on the house seven months too early.

"God, Grams, what the fuck were you thinking?" Gus thought, laughing under his breath and shaking his head.

He ran up the steps and was about to knock when the door suddenly opened revealing a beaming Debbie.

"Hello, gorgeous Gus! How is my favorite grandson?" she asked, enveloping him in a hug.

"Hi Grams, I'm good. What's with the door?" he asked, smirking, when she finally released him.

"Oh, I wanted a change and the paint was on sale. So, I thought, why the fuck not? I happen to like orange." She led him straight into the kitchen, as he knew she would. "You want something to eat, honey?"

"No thanks, Grams. Where's granddad?" he asked curiously. Usually at this time in the afternoon Carl was sitting on the couch, watching the news and reading the newspaper all at the same time.

"Oh, he's at the pub with a pal of his from the precinct, talking about the good old days on the force, no doubt," she said affectionately. Carl finally retired five years before, but kept in touch with everyone on the force and regularly met his former co-workers at the bowling alley or at a local pub for a beer. "He'll be out for a couple of more hours at least. Why, do you need him for something, Gus?"

"No, I actually wanted to talk to you," he said and paused for a minute, gathering his thoughts and his courage. "Grams, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure, honey. Fire away! Wait a minute..." she said abruptly, her entire being on high alert, looking at him with concern, rather than her customary grin. "Rae's not pregnant, is she? You better be using protection, Gus! Do you want me to get you some condoms?"

"No! Grams, how could you think that? Of course, she's not pregnant!" he denied vehemently. "We are fine and no - I can't believe I am telling you this – I don't need any condoms, all set there. This isn't about Sunny. I want to ask you about someone else. Grams, do you remember Justin Taylor?"

"Justin?" She went quiet and still, her expression was suddenly unbearably sad.

"Yeah. I saw something written up about him in a magazine recently and I remembered him," Gus lied smoothly. For some reason he didn't want to reveal his father's secret stash of Justin memorabilia. He instinctively felt it was private, especially in light of his father's reaction, and not for the family's eyes or ears.

"Of course, I remember him! I get a hand drawn card each birthday and Christmas. I could never forget my Sunshine," she answered quietly, uncharacteristically subdued.

"That's where I heard it!" Gus felt like a lightbulb lit up in his head. "You used to call him that, I'd forgotten..."

"Brian used to call him that too. The first time I saw Justin, I thought his smile would blind me, it was so bright. I met him the day after you were born, you know?" Debbie said her expression distant, as if she was there, in the past.

"Yeah, I know. What happened between them Grams?" Gus asked quietly.

"It's complicated, Gus..." She sighed, coming back to the present.

"That's what you told me when I was seven. That was ten years ago, Grams. I'm old enough to know. They loved each other; I know it in my gut! I remember them together, though I was too young to understand it all back then. What could have been so awful that it made Justin move to Europe and for the rest of us to remove all traces of his existence from our lives? I need to know, Grams, please tell me!" he pleaded.

Debbie stayed silent for a few minutes, thinking, while Gus sat there patiently waiting and looking straight into her eyes. He saw it on her face when she made her decision, his heart flipped and his mind exploded with a jubilant "Yes!", while he did his best to keep his face impassive.

"You know that expression – a mountain out of a molehill?" she began quietly. "That's kind of how it all came about, in hindsight. Though, at the time it certainly didn't feel like that. Well, you know that Justin went to New York to establish his art career. That was one of the reasons they decided to cancel the wedding, the fools. When Justin went to New York, Brian and he tried to stay together long-distance. It wasn't easy on either of them. In fact, it was fucking hard, but they did the best they could because, you are right, they loved each other to pieces..."

She suddenly stopped talking, got up and began to make tea. It seemed that she needed time to compose her thoughts and to keep her hands busy. Gus stayed silent, hoping she would continue her story. A few minutes later, she poured two cups of Earl Gray without asking if he even wanted one, cut them both a couple of pieces of coffee cake, sat back down and continued. Gus took a sip of tea, sighing inwardly in relief, and listened.

"Yeah, they fucking loved each other to distraction," she repeated. "Problem is that love sometimes isn't enough, especially when there are trust issues on both sides. It wasn't one specific thing – there were many small disagreements, disappointments, miscommunications. They happen in every relationship, but when you are trying to keep things together long-distance everything is amplified, I guess. And your father, well...it's never been very easy for him to express his emotions, and things kept building up within him until they blew up. Justin, on the other hand, was always the more emotional one. In the end, a couple of misunderstood comments here and there, and one night, here, at a family dinner, it all escalated into an argument. People in the family took sides, when they should have fucking stayed out..." She shook her head and sighed heavily,

"I will admit to being one of those people, to my everlasting regret... blame was thrown about, accusations flew, and finally, things just fell apart. And, as they say, nothing was ever the same again for any of us. Up until Sunshine moved to England I was hoping they'd find a way to patch things up...yet again...but when he moved, we all pretty much understood that it was never going to happen."

They stayed silent for several minutes, drinking their cooling Earl Gray. The coffee cake sat on their plates untouched. Gus thought there would be more to the story, but Debbie stayed silent.

"OK," he said, "so what you are saying is that they gave up on each other because of a bullshit argument and because they listened to everyone else, but themselves?"

"Well...without getting into all of the ugly specifics, I guess you can say it was as simple and as complicated as that," she answered evasively.

Gus was stunned, he couldn't believe that it was something so...well, stupid. "There must be, MUST BE more to the story than just this!" he thought.

"Why did everyone just...dump him, erase him from our lives? If they were equally at fault...or if neither of them were..." he asked, trying another tactic.

"At first, we were all hoping it was just another silly 'break' and that Brian and Justin would come to their senses and everything would be OK. But we soon realized that it wasn't happening. The thing is that each of us had a hand it that disaster, however small, so every one of us was ashamed in one way or another, myself included. Your father was very angry, very angry with all of us. He didn't speak to any of us for a time. When Sunshine moved to London, we finally understood that the Brian and Justin story was over for good. Sunshine moved on, but Brian was still here in Pittsburgh, as were we all. We wanted to mend fences with him, put things somewhat right at least between all of us. So, one by one we all stopped talking about Justin because it was easier for Brian and easier for us."

"But you still keep in touch..."

"A card twice a year isn't exactly keeping in touch. His notes say very little, so I know very little of his life. I've done enough damage in the past, so I no longer pry. I accept what I am given and I send him equally short notes on Christmas and on his birthday to tell him that I love him, miss him, think of him and that everyone is doing well. It seems to be enough."

Gus couldn't believe it. His grandmother Debbie - who was the queen of gossip around Liberty Avenue, who meddled in everyone's lives, who was very vocal with her opinions and who doled out advice to all and sundry whether it was welcome or not - was staying out of this particular relationship? Gus loved his Grams to bits, but he couldn't imagine her NOT prying into someone's life, let alone the life of his father's one and only ex-boyfriend, or rather ex-fiancé. Out of character didn't even begin to describe this kind of reaction.

"Do you know if anyone else is in touch with him?" Gus asked hopefully.

"I think Emmett was for a while. I think Teddy and Blake might have been too, but that was years ago. I have no idea if any of them still talk to each other."

"Grams..." Gus was actually apprehensive about asking this question, but it had to be done. "What did mama have to do with their breakup?"

"Lindsay?"

"Who else? Mom told me point blank years ago that Dad deserved what he got and that Justin was well rid of him. Mama jumped in, shouted, shut her up and that's the last I heard of either of their opinions. This was a long time ago; I was about ten years old at the time. Mama though...it's not that she just avoids the subject, Grams, she gets overly upset and acts almost guilty about the whole thing."

"Well, that...you'd have to ask her about that," she answered ambiguously again.

"But, Grams!" Gus shouted in frustration.

"I told you my side of things, Gus," she said firmly. "As much as I'd like to, I won't speak for anyone else when it comes to the Brian and Justin show. Lesson learned and all that. You want to know about Lindsay's part, you'll have to talk to her."

Try as he might, she refused to answer any more of Gus's questions.

~*~*~*~

Gus left Debbie's house deep in thought and completely frustrated. Just like Sunny, he thought that once Grams agreed that he was old enough to hear about the past, she would give him chapter and verse of the whole story, without omitting anything and peppered liberally with her own observations and opinions.

"Boy, was I fucking wrong!" he thought ruefully. She ended up giving him a vague, heavily abridged Cliff's notes version of the story that lacked any of the details that he craved to know. To call that surprising, would be an understatement of the year.

He called Sunny later that evening, retelling the conversation and she was just as surprised as he that they didn't learn much of anything new.

"So in the end, I'm back to square one. All I got out of that conversation was that everything came crashing down in one fucking evening. How stupid is that? My Dad isn't stupid, so there has to be more to it than just this," Gus said, dejectedly.

"Hey, don't give up! She said that everyone was there that night and had a part in that mess. You have tons of people who can give you some answers," she encouraged.

"Yeah, you are right. I did learn one thing for certain – my mother definitely had something to do with their break up. I also know that getting answers out of her is a waste of time without more ammunition. I think I'll take a crack at Uncle Mike next. Hopefully, he'll be a bit more forthcoming with the details."

Sunny thought it was a terrific idea. Gus hung up the phone feeling better and hoping for the best.

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