by Trisky
I cannot believe I'm standing here, in the freezing cold, watching him getting his dick sucked, waiting for five minutes of his time, what does that make three, four different times tonight? He's been avoiding me, I know he has. He's here, but he's not really here and every time I try to talk to him he just brushes me off. He looks like he can barely even hold himself up against the wall, his face is pale green and beaded in sweat, eyes wild and dilated. For whatever reason tonight has been the worst night in two weeks. I don't know what he's on, or what he's drank, I just can't believe he's not passed out on the bathroom floor with people stepping right over him. I should get him some water, if he even has anymore room to hold something down. Maybe that's why he keeps getting his dick sucked, emptying himself to make more space to fill it up with all that shit.
I don't remember the last time I saw him this bad, I don't think I ever have. He gets bad, but not this bad. What the fuck did that kid do to him now?
"Brian," I plead for the hundredth time, but he's in his own world, not even hearing me. He used to get like that all the time when we were younger, he'd come over, spend the night and in the middle of the night I'd open my eyes and he'd just be staring up at the ceiling, totally lost in space. Lucky for him he was always really smart, and didn't have to try too hard in school and interrupt his little dreamworld. He couldn't wait to be done with school, he just knew there was so much more out there for him. People think that I'm the one with my head lost in comic books, but he's always been a million miles away.
I have an urge to go over there and grab the guy by his hair, and yank it off his scalp.
"Enjoying the show Mikey?" I can barely make out what he's saying, his voice is so low and the words are all just sloshed together, his eyes half closed, half open, not even looking at me, though he's staring right at me.
"Brian what the fuck are you doing? It's freezing out here, come back inside." I don't know if that's such a good idea, God only knows what they'd give him in there. I hesitate before I step towards him. I don't know what to do with myself, do I force him to come with me? Leave him here? Continue to stand here and watch this creep suck him like he hasn't eaten in days. He can't even be very good, he's so sloppy.
"If you don't know what I'm doing, then I'm taking back your gay boy badge." Finally he pushes the guys head away from him, and fumbles with his zipper, like he's never seen one before. I reach my hand out to help. "What am I helpless? I can zip up my own cock. Run along." My face burns even in this cold. I didn't mean anything by it, he just looked like he needed help.
"You look like shit. No sorry, you look like you ate a gallon of pea soup and it's coming out of your pores. Let me take you home."
"I don't need your fucking help Mikey. I can find my own way home."
"Not like this, you won't."
"Watch me." He stumbles forward, trying to keep his balance, unsure of whether or not there's a ground beneath his feet.
"What is wrong with you? You've been running away from me all night. I don't even know why you bothered to come here, if you were just going to spend the whole night in the backroom, you should have just gone to the baths." At least there, I wouldn't have to watch. "Will you talk to me?"
Okay sometimes I talk too much at the wrong time and from the look he's giving me, this is one of those times. I don't mean to do it, I just can't stand to see him hurting like this. I know he cared for Justin, but this is ridiculous, he's not even functioning tonight and no matter how high he might get, Brian always manages to come back down. Something must have happened.
"What do you want to talk about? The weather?" He leans into me, and I feel a bristle in my spine, trying to hold his weight up and stop us both from swaying.
"What happened tonight? Did you see him, did he do something to you?" As far as I know he hasn't seen him since he stopped by to get some of his things, but it's not like Brian has said much about anything, he just shuts off, shuts us all out, but usually I can get him to open up at least a little to me.
"Who?" He talks like he's an owl, like he's being cute. That's Brian, make a joke out of it.
"Who do you think?" I don't hate Justin, I even understand where he was coming from, sorta. But I promised Brian years ago that I wouldn't let anyone hurt him, that he'd always be safe with me, and that's all Justin has been doing lately is hurting him. I never came out and said it to him, it was just understood between us, that he always had a place to go when things got too crazy for him and I'm hope he remembers that.
"He's got a name Mikey, remember, Justin. You had to tell me what it was enough times." He laughs to himself, a bitter ugly laugh. "Fuck him."
From the looks of him and though he'd never admit it, I'm sure that's what he'd like to be doing, and that kills me, not because it's Justin, but because... shit just because. How do you still want to fuck someone who just keeps hurting you that much? I don't understand.
"So this is about him. You're falling all over yourself because..." Jesus, I mean Jesus, how stupid am I?
"Because what?" He tries to straighten up with little success.
"Because..." I can't say it, I won't say it. I can't even believe it took me this long to put two and two together, it's so obvious to anyone who wants to see it. "Because... you're in love with the little shit."
The cold wind blasts my forehead, giving me one of those momentary headaches, like when you swallow an ice cube, and I see recognition in his eyes, looking more green than brown, they're so friggin close to my face, I can't help but notice, and I want to push him off me, leave him on the ground and just walk away.
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about you, about you and him. I'm not stupid, it's more than just you not minding him, or caring about him." I mean I guess I knew that he loved him, he had to, he wouldn't put up with all that he has, from his crazy dad, to taking him in, going to his prom, all that stuff, if he didn't. But I guess I just never realized, don't want to... It's so cold out here, my hands are shaking.
"Do you think my whole world revolves around some little twat?" He explodes, yelling so loud people are actually staring at him. Not that he gives a shit what some tricks in an alley think about him. But he doesn't even realize how loud he is, how they all know now, they know. I know. He doesn't even realize that it's not a denial. Whatever he's on, it's some pretty powerful stuff. He pushes off of me, gets his bearings and gathers himself, like he's just going to walk away and leave me here, no further explanations necessary.
"Look at what you're doing to yourself. No one is worth this, Brian, no matter how much you love them." The word doesn't get any easier, no matter how many times I say it.
"You know, at least he knew when to keep his mouth shut."
That stings, no matter what we've always been able to be honest with each other. We don't tell each other what we want to hear, we tell the truth, even when it's painful, not to hurt one another, never to hurt each other. And for some reason that hurt.
"Brian," I try to stop him, I'm too scared to let him drive himself home like this, maybe he'd manage to swerve his way, but who knows what he'd do once he got there. "Maybe you don't want to look at either of us right now, but believe it or not we both love you and neither of us wants to see you get yourself killed. Give me your keys let me drive you home."
"I wish everyone would stop fucking loving me! You, him, everyone."
What the hell happened? What is going on here? "Brian, where are you going? I'm not letting you go." He continues to half walk, half stumble down the alley, me trailing behind him. "Brian!"
He turns quickly, too quickly, and almost loses his footing. "I'm fine Mikey, go back to Ben, go inside, it's cold out here. I'll get myself home and you can sleep tight knowing your good deed was done for the day."
He always does this to me, gets me so upset and then charms his way out of it with an innocent smile, all big green eyes and white teeth. The only person it doesn't work on is my mother, hasn't since we were kids and he would try to charm his way into getting us both out of trouble. But I guess it must have worked a little, she always let him spend the night, no matter what we did, told me it was because of the smile, she was just glad to see it on his face, instead of his usual frown, and she wanted to keep it there.
"What kind of good deed would it be, if you're the one driving yourself home?" I smile back.
"That wasn't the good deed I was talking about."
"The parking lot is in the other direction Brian." I call out to him.
"I'm parked by the diner." He turns and walks slower this time, more sure of himself, but still unsteady.
I don't follow, my feet are rooted to the ground. Brian never does anything without a plan, even something as simple as parking. He loves to pull up to Babylon and announce his presence, so all his little minions can flock together and spread the word. There's only one reason he'd be parked by the diner. I guess I won't have to worry about him getting home in one piece after all.
I jump at the feel of a hand on my shoulder. "Ben, Jesus, you scared me."
"Sorry. I've been looking all over for you."
"I was just making sure Brian got home alright." I sigh, rub my temple and watch him walk in the distance, walk away. From me. Towards the diner.
"Maybe we should get you home Michael. You look a little... green."
Don't I know it.