Fathers

Carlisle

Part Two

By Memya, Empress of Edit

Well now, whatever has gotten into the boy? I've known him almost 90 years and I've never see him behave in this fashion, almost crazed with thirst from one teenaged girl. He resists all of those children at the school and I would never have believed his control could be an issue.

In point of fact, he is the most successful at helping Jasper, always encouraging him to hunt more often, not try to push himself to go so long without feeding. With his extra abilities, he can easily tune into Jasper's unease and help diffuse the situation. And now this?

But today, today he was completely and totally distraught. He came by the office after dropping the others at home and he couldn't sit, couldn't find any stillness in himself, so unusual for Edward who is always so self-contained. To see him suffering because of an almost irresistible urge to go feed from this girl, who happens to be the police chief's daughter, makes me grieve for him and wonder again, as I have over these many decades, if what I did to him wasn't worse than the worst murderer.

In an act of what I believed was kindness, I sentenced him to join me in an endless existence where one constantly yearns for the solitary flavor which can never be tasted, lest you become a monster. The fact that I did it to save his life, a dying request from his mother, doesn't make my choice any easier to bear. Perhaps he would have preferred to be left to die. I didn't ask him, I did what I thought best, for him, and I must admit, for me. There was a hint of selfishness in the changing of him from human to vampire.

I'd been alone over two hundred years when I encountered Edward and the years had been lonely. I'd found some companionship over time with others like me but not long-lasting as I could never get them to attempt my diet nor could I stay long among those who would kill human beings to live. This made me an outcast by choice among my kind, yet it was still my choice.

I've never been so uncertain of what to tell him as I was when he came by earlier. If he honestly believes he might harm the girl then he made the right decision to leave, at least temporarily. He was heading to Denali. If only he could return Tanya's affections. I've never understood his aversion to the Denali females.

Perhaps it's their centuries of sexual experience since he has none, that I know of. Even so, he and Tanya seemed like a good match and I hoped he might be content with her but it never progressed beyond friendship. I'm concerned that perhaps I changed him too young and he will never develop those feelings. If so, then I have truly sentenced him to hell on earth, for to never love deeply and passionately is to not truly live.

I must call Esme and let her know Edward's left us. She'll be worried for him as any mother would be and possibly blame me, even though she knows, as I do, that he's all but indestructible. But what mother doesn't worry, whether the child is able to be injured or not? And I feel that what happened today is an injury, an injury to whom and what he thought he was.

I saw fear, no terror, in his eyes today and anger, which is even more unusual. Edward's even temper is something we've all learned to take for granted. He is a buffer between his boisterous brother Emmett and Jasper, who can be so bothered by the emotions that swirl around him and in him. Edward's outward calm was always easy for Jasper to be near. What will happen if he never returns to us?

I've long known that his smooth surface covers the turmoil he's hidden so well for so long and this has frightened me since I first turned him. I'm afraid that if he were ever to really lose control, especially as a mature vampire, experienced in killing that the consequences could be catastrophic to both him and his victims.

 

* * *
 

Edward came home late last night and told us he planned to attend school today as if nothing happened. I tried to read his face but it was a closed book to me. If he's still struggling, there's no evidence of it which is why I needed to have a private word with him.

"If there's any danger from you being around Chief Swan's daughter, we can make arrangements for you to avoid school, we've done it before when necessary for some of the others.

"You could have a lengthy illness or Esme could choose to home school you, as far the school district would be concerned. If this Isabella disturbs you so greatly, wouldn't it be the more intelligent choice to do everything in our power to ascertain her safety?"

"It won't be a problem, Carlisle. The thirst just completely caught me off guard. I've never experienced that strong a pull from anyone, even during the years when I was away and feeding off humans," Edward said, a look of chagrin crossing his features as he remembered the time he'd left us, what I considered his teenage rebellion. Even though his victims had been murderers and other criminals and by killing them he had saved countless human lives, still, he regretted those years and rarely speaks of it, even with us--more proof of how upset he was.

"But you said it was beyond anything you'd ever known. The scent of her blood the most overwhelmingly irresistible aroma you'd even known. How will you be able to resist it on a daily basis? Why put yourself through the torture?" I asked him, wondering why it seemed so important to him to return to school, to study subjects that he likely knew better than the teachers.

"I must, Carlisle. I just know I must," he said, with steely resolve. "I don't want to spend my days hiding here at home with Esme or simply disappear to yet another college or university for a few years and I don't want you to have to lie for me, either. This is my problem and I will not run and I will not hide but face it like a man. Even though I will never grow into the man I might have become, still, I'll behave like one."

I believe it was unintentional but his statement cut me to the core, at least I try to hope it was. I had denied him ever becoming a man, instead I'd left him perpetually frozen at seventeen.

Again, I wondered if I had simply changed him too young, stunting his development in some unknown way. If only he could have found a female that caught his eye and interest, his life could be so much better. It was difficult to discuss with him as, in his innocence, he has no knowledge of, well, to be honest, of what he's missing. You had to have the experience to know how life-altering it could be. It's one thing to read about it and another thing altogether to experience it for himself. He's been living for more then fifty years with three happily married couples, I'd think the sexual frustration would be more overwhelming for a perpetually teenage boy than a more mature adult but he denies himself this pleasure. I've never been sure if it's a moral question or something more and I don't understand it.

Emmett and Jasper had teasingly suggested that some time alone with a female could be beneficial, although those weren't the words my sons used, just for the release of tension but to the best of my knowledge, he had refused all suggestions in this area of his life. The boy could be more than stubborn when it suited him.

He was determined to return to school and the temptation that was Isabella Swan's blood. Time would tell whether or not he was up to the task.
 

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