“Well fuck a Goddamned duck. How can he have another fucking party? Wasn’t the last one Hell enough for the son of a bitch?”
“Good morning, Brian, can I get you anything?”
“Have you seen this?” He gestured to a memo Vance had left on his desk outlining the upcoming Fourth of July picnic he was planning for the company at a local park.
“Well…I guess we all had so much fun at the last one…”
“Fuck you.”
“You know, Brian, you have what my father used to describe as a ‘piss poor’ attitude.”
“Your father sounds like a man after my own heart.”
“…Like I’m going near that one.” She sat down with his schedule for the day. “What do we have to do for this one?”
“I showed up for the last one, I’ve put in my time.”
“You have to go.”
“The fuck I do.”
“The fuck you do.” He stared at her, using his patented glare. She returned it.
“If I have to be there, you’d better have your butt on a picnic bench next to me.”
“You mean I can go as your date?”
“…Might keep them guessing.”
“Doubt it.”
*
*
*
*
*
*
“Brian, we just went to one of those stupid parties. Why the fuck do we have to go to another one already?”
“Because I’m a Goddamned partner and fucking Vance has decided that he wants us all to be one great big happy family.”
“It’s a holiday weekend—didn’t it occur to him that some people might have plans that don’t include work?”
“I doubt if it entered his mind.”
“My Mom and Molly are expecting us at the condo for a cookout.”
“Tell them to come.”
“Right, like they want to hang out with your fucking office. Do we really have to go?”
“Well, I’m sure as fuck expected to be there. You can blow it off if you want.”
“Brian…too easy.”
“Fuck off.”
“If we killed him we could get off for justifiable homicide.”
“You know, that might not be a bad idea. Then I could be the only partner.”
“How come he’s having it in a park this time? His house is huge.”
“So that the city can pay for the fireworks and he doesn’t have to, you twat.”
“Mom is going to be pissed.”
“Then she’ll fit right in.”
*
*
*
*
*
*
“Brian, the Ford people called. They want you to fly to their headquarters on Wednesday to make the presentation to the Board of Directors.”
“Since when does a Board have any say in advertising?”
“Since profits dropped for the last three quarters.”
“Look, Gardner, I think it would be a good idea if you made the pitch to their board. You’re the owner—they’ll expect us to send the head man.”
“Good try. You can leave Tuesday if you prefer to get settled the night before. Wouldn’t want you tired when you see them, after all.”
“…I’m capable of making a fucking pitch.”
“Of course you are. I just think it would be preferable if you managed to actually sleep the night before you talk to them. I’ll have Laurie ask your girl to book you into one of the better hotels. A single would be the best, don’t you think?”
“It sure as fuck isn’t what’s best for me, but I’ll bow to a higher power.”
“I suspect that isn’t the only thing you bow
to.”
*
*
*
*
*
*
“Another Goddamned party with Vance and Kinney looking over your shoulder. Fuck that.”
“You’re not going?”
“Hell, no.”
“And where exactly should we have your balls mailed to when Vance is done with them?”
“Nah, Vance wouldn’t want them. That’s Kinney’s forte.”
“Kinney wasn’t that bad at the last one. He was pretty decent, in fact.”
“Yeah, well he had his boy toy with him to keep him happy.”
“Did you talk to that kid? He almost made Kinney seem human. Damnedest thing I ever saw. Every time Kinney was about to make one of his cracks, the kid would pull him back with some comment or something.”
“Hell, he probably blew him in the bathroom or something.”
“Whatever he did, it worked. Maybe we could get him to work his magic here some time.”
“My daughter ended up having lunch with the two of them and a couple of the people Kinney actually deigns to speaks to—“
“Both of them, you mean?”
“Fuck you. She said that he was funny and insisted that he’s nice.”
“She’s young. She’ll learn.”
“Speaking of young, how old would you put the boy toy? Is he even legal?”
“Shit if I know.”
“Patti said that he’s nineteen.”
“And you fucking believe that?”
*
*
*
*
*
*
“Brian? There’s a rumor that Vance is hiring clowns and jugglers for the party. Would you happen to know if that’s true?”
“I believe that he has a fondness for the circus life. Something about dwarfs and contortionists.”
“Uh-huh. How many people are we expecting? I mean, is everyone supposed to bring their kids?”
“So you’re planning on renting one, I take it? As I understand it, Vance is expecting everyone to bring everyone including the fucking goldfish. There will be a shitload of kids there thanks to all the junior exec breeders.”
“So are you bringing Gus?”
“I don’t think that Hell was scheduled to freeze over that soon.”
“Brian, enough people know that he exists that you’ll be asked about him.”
“Like I give a shit.”
“Brian…”
“No, I’m not bringing him.”
“You know if you did, you’d have everyone guessing.”
“…I’ll think about it.”
*
*
*
*
*
*
“Hey Brian? There’s an official invitation to that stupid party in today’s mail, and it’s RSVP. Are we going or not?
“Let me see that….Vance hand wrote that he expects to see me there, the fucker.”
“So I guess that you’re going then?”
“It looks that way.”
“My Mom called. She expects us to be at her place that day. I think she’s counting on us to help her.”
“This is the same time as the company thing?”
“Of course.”
“Shit. OK, I have to make an appearance at the company thing but I’ll cut it short then I’ll go over to Jennifer’s.”
“Sounds like a plan. Do you want me to come with you?”
“You want to?”
“…Not really.”
“Fine, you drop me off at the park at one then pick me up at two. That should be enough of an appearance to shut Vance up.”
“I can do that—will you behave yourself without me to keep an eye on you with all those breeder families around?”
“Twat.”
*
*
*
*
*
*
“So you’ve agreed to show up? Brian, I’m proud of you and not a little suspicious.”
“Excuse me?”
“That was way too easy. You’re planning something, aren’t you?”
“Would you get the moron twins in here? I need to berate them over yesterday’s debacle with the Heinz Hall directors.”
“You’re changing the subject.”
“I’m working.”
“Bullshit. Should we expect loud explosions or just chemical warfare?”
“I plan to be my usual devastatingly charming self.”
“Oh
Jesus.”
*
*
*
*
*
*
“Brian! Glad you could make it…beautiful day we ordered up, isn’t it?”
“Hello
“Yes, I’m pleasantly surprised.”
“Free food and having their jobs on the line is always a good incentive.”
“Where’s your young—friend today? I thought that he’d be here.”
“He had other plans but I expect him in a little while.”
“Ah, excellent. You will keep him away from the other youngsters, won’t you? I fear he may be a bit more sophisticated than most of them.”
“They might enjoy hearing what he has to say for himself.”
“Perhaps, but their parents wouldn’t.”
“Oh, come on,
*
*
*
*
*
*
“Mr. Kinney! It’s good to see you again—you’re looking well today.”
“As opposed to how I usually look?”
“Oh, goodness! I didn’t mean that. I’m Linda, Brad’s wife. We met at the picnic at Mr. Vance’s house a few months ago.”
“Honey, I’m sure that Brian is enjoying his friends today, let’s not bother him, OK?”
“Actually my friends are at my mother-in-law’s house this afternoon. These are just the people I work with.”
“…You’re married? But I thought that you were with that young blonde boy who was…”
“Linda, Maybe you’d get Brian a beer or something?”
“I have a beer. Justin and I aren’t married. Gay marriage is
illegal in this state. We’ve been thinking about going up to
“But you said…”
“Figure of speech.”
“Brian, I was looking for you. You promised to eat barbeque with me today and don’t you go promising any of the other girls or I’ll be mighty jealous!”
“Why, Miss Scarlett, I’d never.”
“You are the only man I know who can quote Gone With the Wind.”
“I’m the only card carrying fag you know, darlin.”
“They issue cards for that now?”
“Only if Bush has his
way.”
* * * * * *
“Hey Brian, you mind if I join you guys?”
“Sit your ass down here, Patty. How did you get dragged to this thing?”
“I was hoping that Justin would be here. Is he around?”
“He should be here any minute…you catch any shit from your father because you hung with us at the loft last month?”
“Yeah, some. He’s an asshole.”
“I know that. I just wasn’t sure if you’d clued in yet.”
“Brian, behave yourself. You’re talking about her father.”
“Right, her father the asshole.”
“Daddy!”
“Gus, get yourself over here.”
“Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!”
“I’m gonna fuck your ass for bringing him here.”
“You’re gonna fuck my ass anyway.”
“Twat.”
“Lighten up, Bri. When he heard that I was going to pick you up he wanted to come with me. Hey Gus, you want a hot dog? Hey, Patty. Hey Cynthia.”
“You are not going to feed that shit to my kid.”
“You’d rather I gave him a corndog?”
“God, Brian, those eyes. He looks just like you—Oh my God, two of you.”
“You should be so lucky, Cyn.”
“I should leave the country, Bri.”
*
*
*
*
*
*
“Did you hear what I just did? That kid just ran over to Kinney yelling ‘Daddy’. You think that’s one of his weird jokes?”
“What did Kinney do?”
“Laughed, picked him up and put him on his shoulders.”
“And when the kid kissed him, he kissed him back.”
“…Oh?”
“No—nothing perv, like a normal father.”
“Jesus.”
“He’s holding the kid and actually smiled when he kissed him. And you’ll notice that he’s lost that snarky look he’s had on his face since he got here.”
“He was just feeling pissy because his other half wasn’t here yet.”
“I heard a rumor that he has a kid, that’s probably him.”
“Seeing as how the kid is the mirror image of him, I’d say that the odds are pretty good.”
“Yeah, but how exactly does a fag manage? I mean. I always heard that it was the birds and the bees, not the bees and the bees.”
“Or the weeds and the weeds.”
“That sucked.”
“Not as much as they do.”
“You think the blonde is the mother?”
“Must have been a Hell of a
delivery.”
*
*
*
*
*
*
“Come on, Sonnyboy, let’s get you away from the advertising whores before they warp you.”
“Ah, Brian, is this the elusive and extremely unexpected offspring I’ve been hearing about?”
“…
“Hello there, Gus, are you going to take after you father when you grow up?”
“We’re doing our best.”
“And that’s saying something.”
“Only if my best is good enough.”
“Brian? I told Mom that we’d be back by four. I think she wants us to help with the food. Hi, Mr. Vance.”
“Hello—Jason, was it?”
“Justin.”
“Of course, forgive me.”
“Whatever. You ready to go? Patty is coming with us, that OK?”
“Yup.”
“Brian—I thought that I made it clear that I thought it important for you to be here this afternoon.”
“I was here, now I’m leaving.”
“Brian…”
“Family commitment, Gardner, you understand.”
“I expected you to act as co-host with me.”
“Never assume, Gardner.”
“Look here, Kinney…”
“I have a family party to take my son to, Vance. If you have a problem with that, we can discuss it on Monday. After all, tomorrow is another day.”
“What?”
“Ask Cyn.”
*
*
*
*
*
*
“Kinney just walked out? I knew that he had balls, but I didn’t think he was stupid.”
“Are you kidding? After scoring the Coca-Cola account by himself last week, with his name on the contract as their official contact, he can write his own ticket.”
“You think he’ll jump?”
“He’d be an idiot if he stayed with Vance—they hate each other.”
“So when did a little thing like not liking someone ever stop Kinney from getting in bed with them?”
“That might account for the fact that he has a kid.”
“Probably be the only way—if that kid has a female mother.”
“Blondie might be cute, but there are limits.”
“So, if he decides to leave, you think that he’d take anyone with him?”
“He’d take his assistant. Not only is she the only one who can actually work with him, but she’s got a bigger set than he does.”
“Nah, I think they’re tied. Her tits are better, though.”
“Not necessarily. Think he’d stay in Pitts?”
“Yeah, if he stayed here he’d be a big fish. He’d need
to build up his own agency before moving to
“You think he’d go, though? He’s a local boy. All of his friends and family are here.”
“Have you ever met any of them? That’s enough reason to go right there.”
“You know, I was thinking about it on Wednesday—you know, the day the two of them had that big blowup in the art department? You think Kinney is trying to get fired?”
“Why the fuck would he want to do that?”
“Think about it. It gets him out of the agency, away from Vance and he’d have to pay off Kinney’s partnership or a huge settlement or something. Kinney wouldn’t just walk out for free.”
“Sounds like the way Kinney operates.”
“So, the big question—if Kinney goes, would you go with him?”
“He’d probably make a success of it if he goes. I’d go if he asked me. Maybe.”
“Yeah, but you’d be working with Kinney.”
“He’s a prick.”
“Like you’d ever have the balls to tell him that to his face.”
“Yeah? Watch me.”
“Why gentlemen—enjoying the party?”
“Cynthia. Uh—yeah. Great, How long have you been standing here?”
“Long enough. I’ll be sure to give Brian your message. Enjoy the fireworks, boys.”