The Gus Diaries

Part 70

Trust II
 

After talking to my dads about trust, I knew what I needed to do to make sure Jeff was aware that he could trust me, I went back to school ready for action. It was important to first make it clear to Jeremy that while I supported him and might be willing to be his friend, Jeff was my priority. He was the person who had to come first. Hell, he was the guy I was in love with.

I got to school in plenty of time to talk to Jeremy and then meet up with Jeff, but unfortunately got sidetracked by my English teacher. He wanted to talk to me about possibly sending an article I wrote, The Greening of St. James, to a local newspaper. I couldn’t believe it. One of my school newspaper pieces could actually be published. I was over the fucking moon. My teacher was just as enthusiastic and told me that he would contact the editor later that day.

By the time we finished talking, and decided to touch base during my lunch break, I practically had to fly to my first class. I made it in the door just as the bell rang. I got a scowl from my math teacher, but at least I had a good reason to be running in, out of breath, although he didn’t even bother with me once class was underway.

The next two classes went smoothly. My third period was also attended by Jeremy, and I knew that we both had a free period right afterwards.

“Jeremy.”

“Hey, Gus.”

“Can we talk after class?”

His eyes lit up -- fuck! “Sure, how about heading over to the St. Jamesian’s office. No one is there at that time.”

I nodded as the bell rang, wishing I’d had time to tell him that this wasn’t what he was thinking.

I’m not sure what we learned during that class. The teacher could have been sitting silently reading a book. I kept going over in my head how guilty I felt about what I was going to tell Jeremy. He’s not a bad guy, but he’s just not Jeff, and I needed to make that clear. As far as I’m concerned, Jeff is irreplaceable.

When the bell mercifully rang, I gathered my books and looked in Jeremy’s direction. He was all set and nodded to me to follow him towards the school paper’s office.

The lights were off but there was enough sunlight streaming in so we didn’t have to turn them on.

“So, what did you want to talk about?” He was all smiles.

“Shit.”

“Not a great way to start a conversation.”

I glared at Jeremy. “Look, you know how we’ve been hanging out a bit.”

“Yeah, it’s been great. I think we’re finally getting to be good friends.” He moved closer to me and touched my shoulder. I instantly stepped back and saw him grimace in response to my reaction.

“I don’t want to lead you on.” I took a deep breath and continued. “Jeff -- Jeff thinks that I’ve been choosing you over him, and I realized the other night that he’s right.”

Jeremy took a step closer to reduce the distance between us. “What’s so bad about that?”

I didn’t know what to do so I just blurted out, “What’s so bad about that is I love Jeff, not you. He means the fucking world to me and I don’t want him to ever feel he can’t trust me. We don’t play around.”

Jeremy lowered his head and I was feeling the guilt sweep through every bone in my body. Maybe I really had led him on, although that was never my intention. I thought he knew that the most we’d ever be is friends. Finally he looked up, his expression filled with pain and disappointment. “I thought you wanted to be my friend. Fuck, I felt something growing between us -- you must have felt it, too.”

Jeremy began to move closer and put his hands on my shoulders. I wanted to run but I was frozen, my feet feeling like they were glued to that spot. I whispered, “You’re wrong, Jeremy. There’s nothing but friendship between us, nothing.”

“Gus, you’re wrong -- you’re just afraid to admit it. Jeff has been with you so long that you feel attached to him and don’t want to let go. But maybe there are others who can meet your needs better than a hunky jock. Maybe there are others who can give you more and are willing to be more demonstrative in public. Maybe there’s someone who would do anything to be with you because you are the most beautiful guy he’s ever laid eyes on.”

Then it happened -- he pulled me in and kissed me -- hard, just as the door to the office swung open, I shoved Jeremy away and saw Jeff. He looked like he was about to faint, turning red then extremely pale, walking backwards -- all in silence and closing the door.

I grabbed my things, and as I started to run for the door, I looked back at Jeremy. There was a slight grin on his face. It made me sick to my stomach to look at him/ “You, you’re just like that fucking violin player -- that’s what you are?” I ran out the door. I had to find Jeff.

How had this happened? I was supposed to be making things right with Jeff and instead it had all gone wrong. In the meantime, I only had one more class before it was time to meet with my English teacher. Fuck it -- Jeff was much more important, but where the hell did he go?

I heard the bell ring for fifth period. I should have been in science class but I couldn’t care less. There was only one thing that mattered. I had to think. I went into the bathroom' it was filled with smoke lingering after the between-class cigarette breaks that everyone took indoors during the winter, but I didn’t care. I was alone and needed to focus.

Jeff had fifth period free. He’d probably finished his lab so he could leave early and look for me. I pissed him off... shit, I hurt him... at least that’s what he thought he saw.

I ran to the locker room, but it was entirely empty as was the coach’s office and the basketball court.

This couldn’t be happening. After Jeremy kissed me, I knew more than ever that the only man I wanted was Jeff, and now I may have fucked everything up by trusting the wrong person in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Sitting on a bench in the locker room, I bent over and held my head in my hands. I felt hot tears run down my face, yet I didn’t bother wiping them away. If twenty guys walked in and called me a silly faggot, I wouldn’t have cared.

Then it came to me. I grabbed my stuff and ran even faster. The tears kept dripping down my face, but I ignored them. I opened the back door to the school building and continued to run to the tree. The tree we’d always sit under when we wanted some private time together since we felt limited in the heavily populated building.

It was fucking cold and there was snow on the ground. I realized very soon that I hadn’t stopped for my jacket but I didn’t care. The tears that littered my face felt like they were freezing, and I probably looked like shit but I had to get to Jeff.

There he was, facing away from the school, sitting on his backpack, staring into space. I ran faster and came up from behind. I knew I had to speak fast and then show him how I felt. That’s what Pop and Dad told me was important. Don’t just say it, show him -- BOTH were critical now.

“Jeff, don’t go,” I pleaded. “He kissed me. All I wanted was to tell him I couldn’t spend time with him because it fucked with our time together. He didn’t want to hear that.” I cautiously took a couple of steps closer. “You’re right, you’re always fucking right. I fell for his friendship bullshit and felt guilty about what he’d been through. I let him take advantage of me. Please, please, please look at me.”

He slowly got up and turned around. It hadn’t occurred to me that I was probably shaking because the temperature was below freezing, and I certainly wasn’t dressed to be outside. “Fuck, Gus, you’re going to get sick right before our championship game. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

I dropped the backpack and computer bag I was holding. “I don’t give a shit about the game, I don’t give a shit if I miss my meeting about getting an article published, I don’t give a shit about cutting class. I only care about you knowing and believing you’re the only one I love and that I can’t fucking imagine my life without you in it.” I began to feel the chill moving through my body so I wrapped my arms around myself as best I could. Then I mumbled, barely above a whisper, “Please, say you believe me, please.”

Jeff walked closer. I couldn’t read his expression and that scared me. Then he took my face in his hands and pulled me in for a kiss. When his tongue entered my mouth, he placed one hand behind my head, and I moaned and cried at the same time, releasing all the relief I was feeling into that kiss.

Despite the extreme cold, I let my arms move from my body and placed them around him. Nothing would stop me from holding him close, not even frostbite if it came to that.

I’m not sure how long we kissed, but when Jeff pulled back, I made sure he could see the love I felt for him. I know I’m not a typical kid. My feelings for Jeff are so different than anything my friends have ever talked about regarding their girlfriends.

“Newbie, you’re shivering. Here.” He took off his parka and put it on me.

“What are you going to wear?” Jeff bent down, opened his backpack and pulled out a hooded fleece pullover.

“I wanted to kill him.” Jeff looked into my eyes. “I’ve never felt like that before.”

There was nothing to say. The depth of his love was evident by both his words and actions. I moved into his arms and leaned my head on his shoulder, automatically kissing and nuzzling his neck. Jeff leaned into my touches and held me, rubbing his hands up and down my back.

“Please don’t ever think I want anyone but you. I thought Jeremy knew, but he got the wrong idea.”

“So did I.” He paused a moment and moved back a bit to look into my eyes. “Gus, when you give to people, you give so much that it’s hard to tell where anyone stands. The strange thing is, that’s one of the reasons I love you so much. You never do anything halfway.”

“Do you believe me?” I needed to hear it.

“Yeah, I believe you.” He pulled me close to him again and it felt amazing.

“Jeff?”

“Yeah?”

“Even more important -- do you trust me?”

He held me tighter if that was possible. “With my life.”

My shoulders started to shake, and the relief those words brought washed over me. Despite my efforts to hold them back, the tears began to let loose again.

“Shhh, relax, Newbie.” He brushed his hand through my hair. It felt so good. I had run all the way to him, and the sweat, mingled with the freezing temps, had left me so chilled. “Let’s get you inside. The team can’t afford to play next week without you.” Then he moved back and placed his hands on my shoulders, “And there’s no fucking way I can be without you either.”

I immediately moved in to kiss him again. Fuck the frost; I never felt closer or more loved and trusted by anyone in my life than I did at that moment.

“Jeff?”

“Uh huh?”

“I’ll try to be careful about how I behave with friends in the future.” He nodded but said nothing. “But you have to always know that I love you.”

“I know, it was just hard to remember during the past couple of weeks.”

“It’s Friday.”

“I know.”

“Can you come to Britin this weekend so I can remind you over and over how much I love you -- and only you?”

“I think that can be arranged,” he smiled. Jeff has the most beautiful smile.

As we walked into the building, he suddenly stopped. “Hey, did you say someone wants to publish something of yours?”

I laughed and leaned into Jeff’s shoulder. “I’ll tell you all about it on the way to my English teacher’s room.”

“Oh shit, your Dad.”

“What are you talking about?”

“If I’m not mistaken, you just cut science class for me.”

“For us.” Then I looked up at him, “Oh shit!”

I pulled out my cell phone and pressed one of the speed dial numbers. “Hi, Mom, can I talk to Pop?” I sometimes forget that she works for Pop at his gallery.

When Pop picked up the phone, I told him the 60-second version of everything that had happened.

“You told Jeremy he was like Ethan?”

“Ethan, that’s his name -- I just remembered violin player and it kinda popped out of my mouth.”

Pop laughed. “I’ll call your Dad and smooth things over while I fill him in -- that is why you called me first, correct?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s okay -- this once. Go to your science teacher after you speak with your English teacher and get the work. Just tell him you weren’t feeling well.”

“That’s the truth.”

“I know.” Pop always knew.

With Jeff by my side, sharing a sandwich he brought from the diner on the way to school, I met with my English teacher who had sent my story, with the guarantee of a by-line, to the local paper for the Sunday edition of What’s Happening in Our Community.

After school, I met up with Jeff, and as we headed for his car, he pointed to Jeremy who was heading our way.

“I don’t want to talk to him.”

“You have to, Newbie.”

“Fuck.” I looked at Jeff. “Stand by me?”

“Always.”

With Jeff by my side, I knew I could face Jeremy and let him know that there would be parameters for our friendship, if I could ever trust him enough to have one with him again. He nodded his acceptance and moved on, but I noted that he and Jeff couldn’t keep their eyes off each other. If looks could kill, I have a feeling they’d both be dead.

When we got in the car, I looked at Jeff. I couldn’t keep from gazing in his direction. “Let’s stop at Grandma Jen’s so we can pick up your stuff and then onto my house.”

Jeff lowered his head and smiled. “I hoped we’d work things out.” Then he turned around to look in the back seat and I followed his eyes. There was his overnight case alongside his basketball.

I pulled him in close and wrapped my fingers in his hair as I gave him the hottest kiss I could.

Moving back, he touched his forehead to mine, “I may not need to turn on the heater.”

I smiled and then sat up and buckled my seat belt. “Onto Britin.”

“Onto Britin.”

“We have a lot of time to make up for.”

“I trust you to take us to heaven, Gus.”

“I won’t disappoint.”

“I know. I’m counting on it.”
 

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