The Gus Diaries

Part 57

Tricking II
 

It had been several days after I spoke with Pop about tricking that I finally got to sit down with both my dads. It was strange, Dad usually gives me a lot of his time, but it seemed like he suddenly had a shit-load of work at Kinnetik. I wondered if he was avoiding the topic and decided that I would make sure we sat down together this weekend.

Jeff wouldn’t be over until after the breakfast/lunch shift at the diner on Saturday so I knew we’d have all morning.

For some reason, I just couldn’t let the topic of tricking rest until I’d spoken to Dad. All those years of hearing Mem’s accusations about Dad’s way of life and being a bad example to me kept creeping into the forefront of my mind.

It got to be so bad that by Friday night, after I’d finally convinced Dad and Pop that we had to talk on Saturday morning, I had trouble falling asleep. I decided to head down to the kitchen for a glass of milk. I took the back stairs and stopped short when I heard my Dad and Pop talking.

It was two o’clock in the morning, what were they doing awake? While it didn’t sound like an argument, there was something off about their tone that made me pause and just sit on the steps.

“Justin, how can I fucking tell him?”

“Just be honest. We’ve always been honest with Gus.”

Dad huffed out a weak laugh. “Honest, how can I be honest about my past behavior? What kind of parent tells his kid he was the whore of Liberty Avenue?” I was stunned by that statement. It almost hurt to think of my Dad that way.

“Fuck you, Brian. Where the hell would you get that ridiculous idea? All of us tricked, not just you.”

“That ridiculous idea, my dear Sunshine, came from the wise, hunky Professor, when his foray into roid-rage kept him from censoring what spilled out of his mouth.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it, Brian. You were not the whore of Liberty Avenue.”

“And how would you describe it, Justin? You weren’t all that pleased with my tricking as I recall. I may not be 29 anymore, but I can remember how you felt.”

“Can you now? Why don’t you enlighten me as to how I felt back then?”

“What’s with the smug attitude? You hated that I tricked. You hated it even more when we were living together -- especially after you returned from sunny California.”

“I didn’t hate the tricking as much as I hated the reason for it. If you recall, I didn’t always sit home waiting by the window for my straying partner to return after his night on the prowl.”

“The reason? What the fuck are you talking about?”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about. You tricked for a variety of reasons over the years, but the year I came back from L.A. you tricked to keep me at arm’s length.”

“Why the fuck would I do that?”

“Because you were still within a year from recovering from cancer and because you still didn’t think I would stay with you.”

“What?!?!”

“You admitted to me that you didn’t think I was ever coming back from California, and even when I did you thought I was only going to stay until something better came along. You never let me show you just how deeply I loved you.”

“But you did leave.” Dad’s voice got soft as he almost choked out those words.

“Holy shit! You can be a bigger drama queen than Emmett sometimes.”

“What the fuck are you talking about? You did leave!” Dad was getting agitated and I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear the rest but I was frozen in my spot on the stairs.

“I left, as you well know, with the expectation that you would always be there by my side, until I was a big, fat, fucking success in New York and then could come back to share our lives together... here, in our home.”

“But you...”

“Wait, I’m not finished.” Pop’s voice softened, and knowing him, he was touching Dad either on the cheek or shoulder. “WE agreed I would go to New York. We also agreed, as partners, to wait to get married until it was right for us. And just for the record, Brian, if you had tried to pull your bullshit of not visiting me, like you did with L.A., I would have packed my fucking duffle bag and left New York in a heartbeat. One thing I learned over those early years was that YOU were my everything.”

“Fucking twat, never knows when to go when the going gets good.”

“Nope, I’ll never go. You once asked if I was coming and staying. The answer was, and always has been a resounding YES! So shut the fuck up and tell our son the truth about why you tricked and what you got out of it.”

“Can I also tell him why I stopped?” I could almost hear the smirk on Dad’s face.

“You’d better.”

There was silence and I was sure they were kissing or... maybe I’ll skip the milk. I headed back upstairs quietly, understanding a bit more about why Dad was having trouble talking to me about tricking. Somehow, I think he’d be just fine now. Talking things out with Pop always has that effect on him.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

The next morning I was the first one downstairs so I started the coffee and began to get some eggs out for breakfast. Soon after, Dad and Pop came down and I nearly laughed out loud. They definitely had that ‘freshly fucked’ look. Being honest and talking things out seemed to do wonders for their sex life -- a whole new form of foreplay.

“Good morning, Sonny Boy. Thanks for starting breakfast, and especially the coffee.” Dad took a mug and filled it to nearly the brim. Then, he took another one out for Pop and brought it to him at the table.

I made us all some scrambled eggs and toast and as we finished eating, talking about the weather, when Jeff was arriving in the afternoon and anything else but the topic at hand.

I finally broached the subject we were all avoiding. “Dad, I really need to understand why you liked tricking so much. I know this seems to be hard for you, but it just doesn’t make sense to me.”

Dad took a long sip of his coffee and then set his cup down. “Gus, the first thing I want to tell you is that tricking in-and-of-itself is not a bad thing if a person enjoys it.”

I nodded but didn’t interrupt. I noticed Pop rub his hand gently up and down Dad’s upper arm and then he settled his hand tenderly on his knee as he continued to sip his coffee, silently letting Dad run the show.

“People, particularly gay men, trick for a variety of reasons. Some because they’re interested in the game of hunting for prey and catching the hottest guy in a room for the night. Others trick because they have no interest in making any life commitments at that point in their lives -- possibly ever. Some men do it because it’s fun -- almost like a game to see who you can end up with for an hour or a night, with no ties.”

“Are those the reasons you tricked?”

Dad didn’t really react. He took another sip of coffee and then continued, “I enjoyed seeing a hot guy and winning him, like a prize for the night. I never cared about them as individuals, it was more of a game. But those who played knew the rules and no one wanted any more from me than I was interested in giving -- that is until I met Justin. He didn’t know the rules so he changed them.”

Pop smiled and kissed Dad on the cheek and nodded his encouragement for him to continue.

“So that’s it, that’s the big deal about tricking?”

“No, Sonny Boy. There was another side of tricking, at least for me.”

I said nothing. I wasn’t quite sure I wanted to hear this but I had already known some of Dad’s reasons when I overheard him the night before with Pop.

“First of all, I want to make it clear that while I may not be proud of all the reasons I tricked, I don’t harbor any regrets. I did what I needed to do to make my life manageable at a time when it was not well managed at all.”

Pop got up and refilled all our coffee cups. I think it was more to give Dad a moment to collect his thoughts than anything else, and I saw from the way they looked at each other that Dad genuinely appreciated the act.

“I wasn’t the best at dealing with emotions, Gus.” Dad huffed a weak and pitiful laugh. “I smoked a lot, drank more than I should and tricked to cover the need to feel anything real. If I were seeing a shrink, I’m quite sure he’d attribute it all to my shitty parents, which probably wouldn’t be far from the truth. But, we all make our own choices and rather than deal with the pain of a less than idyllic childhood, I buried the pain.

“I’m actually one of the fortunate ones who buried the pain in ways that I could manage. I never had to go to rehab or fall so far that my friends and family all left me behind.”

“I’m glad, Dad. I know that Uncle Ted once told me that he was in rehab because he nearly killed himself with drugs.”

Pop looked at Dad and then me. “I didn’t know Ted told you that.”

“I think he wanted to make sure I never got involved in that shit. My guess is he figured that if I knew a tow-the-line guy like him could get messed up with that shit, then anyone could.”

“I’m glad he told you. It sounds like you learned something from him.”

“You know, Pop, as geeky as Uncle Ted is, he really is cool to talk to.”

“I found that out myself, Sonny Boy -- when he came to work for me at Kinnetik. He was a better friend than I gave him credit for back then, but I learned quickly that I could always count on him.”

I nodded to indicate that I wanted Dad to continue.

“I guess you want to get back to why I tricked.” I took a sip of coffee and didn’t say a word. “As time went on, the game of tricking got old. But, it was the only way that I could retain my place as the hottest guy on Liberty Avenue. The only thing I allowed myself to truly feel was pride in achievement and part of my achievements included the ability to trick and be desired by all men.

“Fortunately something got in my way.”

“Was that age?”

Dad laughed, “It should have been, but it wasn’t. What got in my way was the need to share my emotions in a more appropriate way. Justin didn’t want a man who hid behind nameless tricks, accompanied by a bottle of Beam. Justin wanted me to express the love we both knew I had for him, and to stop running from it.”

“Every time we got close to truly acting as a couple, one of us ran -- usually due to our lack of vision and ultimate ability to trust each other,” Pop added. I think he wanted to make sure that Dad didn’t get all the credit for the times they separated when they were younger. Pop always makes sure Dad doesn’t end up taking all the blame.

“You see, Sonny Boy, I never really thought that Justin would want me just for me. And the funny thing was, that by the time he left for New York City, all I wanted was him. The tricks no longer interested me, but I didn’t think I had the right to ask Justin to give up his broadening horizons when he was so young.”

“It sounds like you two needed some serious communication skills counseling.”

Pop laughed, “You may be right, but we did finally get it right.”

“By the time Justin was ready to return with me to our home, neither of us had tricked for three years. Even though we only saw each other on weekends, the times we were together meant something so much more than any trick could offer.”

“You also learned to talk.” Pop smiled over his coffee cup.

“Yeah, there’s that, too. While Justin was in New York I learned to talk. I talked to Ted, Michael, Ben, Emmett and even Deb from time to time. When I missed Justin I said so and didn’t try to mask the feelings in a drink or a trick. And the game of tricking no longer interested me because I’d caught the one person who could truly satisfy me.”

Dad paused and then looked directly at me. “Does this help you understand why people trick -- why I tricked? It wasn’t always a bad thing, until I started doing it to mask feelings or even worse, tried to prove I didn’t have any feelings at all.”

“It does help, Dad. But, now it makes me wonder if I’m holding Jeff back. Maybe we shouldn’t be exclusive.”

Pop jumped in immediately, “Gus, every person and every couple has to decide what’s best for them. Not every gay man tricks. Many live lives like the one your father and I lead now, but from a much earlier age.”

“What I would suggest, Sonny Boy, is that when you think the time is right, talk to Jeff. If he’s happy and you’re happy, then that’s your answer. Just don’t do what I did and trick to prove something or to hide your feelings.”

Pop stood up, actually straddled Dad’s lap and gave him a deep, and obviously loving kiss. Then, he leaned back and looked into Dad’s eyes, “You really are an amazing Dad -- you’re a natural.”

Dad laughed, “I believe I said that about you once or twice.” Although I didn’t get the joke, it was obvious that the phrase meant something to them.

It was time for me to think about what I’d learned about tricking. All I knew was that while I understood why my fathers tricked, it just didn’t seem like something I would ever be interested in, although at fifteen who the fuck knows.

One thing for sure. I was definitely going to tell Jeff what I’d learned (in general -- nothing specific about Dad) so we could talk about shit like this, as adults.
 

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