The Gus Diaries

Part 45

Lindsay
 

I didn’t understand what the fuck was going on with my mother, or rather that woman who was passing for my mother. She seemed strange and somehow unfamiliar. One day during our breaks I spoke to Jeff while we were eating lunch between his shifts.

“I don’t get it. It’s like she’s a different person.”

“I haven’t met her too often but she sure seemed weird. She also seemed like she was upset that...” Jeff lowered his head and took another bite of his burger to stop him from finishing his sentence.

“Upset about what, tell me what you thought. Please!” I had some ideas but I just couldn’t face them. It made no sense to me at all.

“Okay, Newbie. It seemed like your mom was upset that Justin was in the house. I got the feeling she wanted to play happy families with you and Mr. Ki...I mean Brian.”

There it was. Everything I’d been thinking, but I was afraid to say out loud. Why would my mother want to exclude MJ from family activities.

I could almost understand her not wanting Jeff around, since she didn’t know him that well. But she’s known MJ as long as Dad has. Supposedly she gave him his first opportunity to show his art.

“Why the fuck would she be upset about MJ? She loves MJ.”

“Gus, you once told me that you found out that your mother was bi, right?”

“Yeah, so?”

“So get with the program. You also told me she once did it with your dad in college.”

“I repeat, so? That was ancient history. Long before MJ came onto the scene. She was already with Mem for six years by the time MJ met Dad.”

“Maybe she never got your dad totally out of her system. Maybe she thinks she wants another go at him.”

“Jeff, what the fuck are you talking about? Everyone knows that Dad is one hundred percent gay. He has NO interest in women at all...other than maybe for a couple of people as his friends.”

“Well, if that’s true, Gus, I think it’s time you talk to your fathers and find out what the fuck is going on.”

I nodded, knowing that Jeff was right...probably about more than just talking to my fathers.

After dinner that night my dads went into the media room for a relaxing night in front of the TV. I volunteered to load and start the dishwasher so they were already sitting next to each other on the sofa. Dad at the end with one leg up on the sofa and MJ nestled in between his legs leaning against his chest.

They were kissing a little as Dad raised the remote to turn on the TV. “Excuse me, Dad, MJ, before you start watching something, can we talk?”

“Sure. Sonny Boy, any time. What’s on your mind?”

MJ sat up straighter to indicate that he was also fully paying attention. It actually felt good knowing how they’d stop anything to help me.

“Well.” I started pacing a bit and ran my hand through my hair. I almost laughed thinking that I must look like a fucking clone of Dad doing that. When I turned to look at them the smirks on their faces clearly read that they had thought the same thing.

“Gus, before I start to think I’m seeing double, why don’t you tell your dad and me what’s bothering you?”

“Okay. I think Mom is sick or something.”

“Sick. Why would you think Lindsay is sick? She was at work today.”

That’s when I knew I’d better say what was really on my mind. “I think she’s lost her mind.”

“What makes you say that? Did she do something to hurt you when you had dinner there last night? Wasn’t Jenny there too? Is she alright?”

“Dad, dad, cool it. I’m okay. It’s just she keeps saying weird stuff. Even Jenny was creeped out by it.”

“Okay, spill, what happened?”

“Well here goes...”

I recounted part of the strange interaction between the three of us the night before.

“So Gus, what’s your father been up to lately?”

“Mom, I have two fathers. Which one are you referring to?”

“You know who I’m talking about. Your REAL father. You only have one of those.” Mom was very stern when she answered.

“Mom, that’s not true. You and Mommy always said that Gus and I were lucky because we each have two fathers and two mothers.” Jenny always knows exactly what to say and when to say it.

“Well, that was just for your security. But in reality, Gus, Brian Kinney is your only father and don’t you forget it.”

“Mom, I’m not sure what the fuck happened between you and MJ, but he’s just as much my father as Dad.”

Then Mom stood up, took her plate to the kitchen as if indicating dinner was over and as she passed she said, “In reality you only have one father and one mother and don’t you forget it, ever. That goes for both of you.”

“But Mom...” Jenny started to tear up slightly and I put my arm around her shoulder.

When Mom returned from the kitchen her expression softened a bit. “I’m sorry. I guess I’m just feeling a bit stressed with all the responsibilities of living on my own again.”

Jenny looked at Mom. “Mom?”

“Oh sweetheart, of course I’m your mother, as much as I’ve always been. That will never change.”

She hugged Jenny and then turned to me. “Gus, you must understand that I’ve had some disappointments in my life. The problem is that somehow, no matter how hard I’ve tried they always seem to revolve around playing second best to someone else.”

I must have looked confused because she continued, “Someone who always ended up with everything I ever wanted despite my plans. Everything always seemed to backfire.”

I decided not to ask anything else at that time because I wasn’t sure I wanted to know any of the answers.

“Why didn’t you come to us with this last night, Gus?” MJ took my hand and guided me to the arm chair closest to the sofa.

“MJ, I’m so confused. It’s like Mom isn’t herself. I’m almost scared to be alone with her. I don’t think she’ll hurt me, but I think she wants something that she can’t have.”

“That would be me.”

“Dad, what the fuck are you talking about?”

MJ leaned into Dad again, but this time it wasn’t playful or comfortable cuddling (or whatever the fuck they call it) it was for support and emotional comfort.

“Your mother has always been infatuated with your father.”

“You do know how you were conceived, Gus.” It was a statement more than a question. I’d been told the amusing turkey baster story two years ago. I think it was Mem’s way of making it clear that we were conceived in the loving environment of our own home, not some clinic with unknown donors.

“Yeah Dad, I know.”

My Dad had a faraway look in his eyes. “The night you were born, shortly before I left the hospital with Uncle Michael and Justin, I got a couple of minutes alone with your mother. We sat together, amazed that we were actually grown up enough to be parents. Then I joked with her that I would have been willing to have you the natural way.”

I have to admit that I was a bit shocked by what Dad was telling me, but then it wasn’t long until all the pieces started fitting together.

“Everyone knew that I was only interested in being with men, so this was my way of telling your mother how much I appreciated that she pushed me into becoming a father. You were so beautiful. I fell in love the minute I saw you.”

“A lot of that was going on that night. You were a beautiful baby and I fell in love with you and your dad the minute I saw him hold you and look into your eyes.” MJ held Dad tighter as he spoke.

“The only problem, Gus, is that I think your mother has always wanted to have me in her life, too, as more than a friend. While she knew that I would never, could never be a partner, let alone a husband to her, she did everything she could to keep her only competition, at least her version of it, away from me. For the record, I do think if I’d offered to father you the natural way she would have taken me up on it, although Mel would have certainly put the brakes on if I didn’t.”

“I don’t get it.”

“Let’s just say, Sonny Boy, that Lindsay had ways to make a person believe they were helping someone else, when the result benefitted her ends not those of the others involved.”

“Fortunately for us, your Dad and I never let anyone really keep us apart and we made our way back to a permanent life together. It wasn’t easy but we did.”

“Did Mom try to keep you two apart?”

“Gus, I’m not sure if she did it on purpose, or was even consciously aware that she was doing that, but yes she tried to keep me and your dad apart...possibly permanently.”

“What she didn’t realize was that I’d already fallen so fucking far in love with Justin that I wouldn’t let time or distance manage us and that I was willing to wait. I think she thought that with enough time I’d join her...and you in Canada.”

“That’s insane; you’re gay! Why would she want you to be with her?”

“Because she wasn’t happy or satisfied and it led her to take a series of actions that would somehow help her get the satisfaction that she needed to be closer to her dream. It didn’t matter how it impacted anyone else in this story.”

“But now Mom is alone and, well, strange.”

“I know Sonny Boy and that’s why I can’t speak with her yet. I don’t want her to think that there’s any chance I’ll ever be more than a friend to her...and that’s unlikely at this point.”

“And, Gus, that’s why I keep her on at the gallery. She’s wonderful at what she does. Maybe she’ll get re-inspired in a good way to return to the beautiful art she used to create before she felt stifled and defeated.”

I looked at my fathers. They both seemed saddened by what I’d brought up.

“Are you mad?”

“At your mother, no, just sad.” MJ lowered his voice to almost a whisper.

“I mean at me. I shouldn’t have brought up all this painful shit.”

“Sonny Boy, you should always come to us with everything...whether we want to hear it or not.”

I got up and hugged both my fathers...yes, these two were my parents. “Thank you both, I love you Dad...and Daddy.”

“We love you too...” Dad started and then looked from MJ to me and smiled as a tear ran down his cheek.

“Me too, son.” MJ hugged me one more time.

“Oh, and Sonny Boy,” Dad called after me as I was leaving the room, “Justin and I will take care of this, don’t worry.”

I just nodded in reply, wondering if there was really anything either of them could do.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

The next day at work we had our usual mid-morning lull in clients and I decided to see what Uncle Michael had to say about all this shit with Mom and Dad. He’d known both of them forever, or so it seemed. And, he was Dad’s closest friend.

I had just finished unloading a huge shipment of comics and organized them all on their proper shelves. “Uncle Michael can I ask you a question?”

“Sure Gus, fire away.” He was checking some receipts in the register.

“My mom has been acting a bit weird, especially about MJ.”

“Oh yeah.” He seemed to stop fussing with the receipts and closed the cash drawer.

“Yeah. It’s almost like she wishes he wasn’t around or wants to belittle his place in Dad’s and my life.”

Now Uncle Michael looked directly at me. “I see. Have you spoken to your dads about this?”

“Yes, last night. They sort of gave me the whole story about Mom having a thing for Dad for a while, but she can’t think that anything would happen now, could she?”

“You know Gus, for a long time I had a lingering ‘thing’ for your Dad. I always thought we’d grow old together. Once we finished our clubbing life, I figured we’d finally settle down together.” He rested his hands gently on the counter.

“I kind of know that you had a crush on Dad for a while, but not now.”

“No, Gus, when I found Ben and allowed myself to open up to him I discovered that while I still loved your father deeply, it was as a friend.”

“So because you found the right person to love you knew Dad wasn’t it?”

“Something like that. Have a seat.” I went to sit down in one of the two chairs at the back of the store. Uncle Michael turned the front door sign around so it read Closed.

“Are you comfortable Gus?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“Okay, let me see if I can say this right.” He took a deep breath. “I understand that you know about your Dad and Mom in college.”

“They had a one-night stand, but remained friends.”

“That’s right. Good. But then it seemed that even after your mother appeared to find happiness with Mel, she never quite let go of the tie she had with Brian. In fact, she insisted that he could be the only one to father you or she wouldn’t have any kid at all.”

I looked down and blushed a minute, despite the fact that I suspected that was the case.

“I’ll be honest. While I think Mel truly found a life partner in your mother, the reverse wasn’t true. It was sad for both of them because they tried repeatedly to make it work.

“Fuck, I think that’s the underlying reason Mel wanted to go to Canada so badly. She wanted your mother as far away from Brian as she thought she could get her to go. Her argument for Canada was sound enough that Lindsay went along with it and so did Brian and I, reluctantly.”

“But now I know that you guys really didn’t want us so far away.”

“Of course not. We hated it. And now it’s getting more and more obvious that your mom wants to resurrect her old dream of being one big happy, hetero family with you and your dad.”

“Are you sure about that Uncle Michael?”

“No, I’m not absolutely sure, but knowing what’s been happening and listening to JR’s tales of your dinners with Lindsay, I think it’s a pretty good guess.”

“Uncle Michael...”

“Yeah, Gus.”

“I think Mom needs to talk to someone.”

“I’ll be happy to talk to her, or I’m sure my mother would talk with her too.”

“No, I mean like someone to help her get a grip on reality and help her come up with a better idea for the future.” I wasn’t quite sure if I was expressing myself right or getting my point across.

“I see, you mean a therapist.”

“Do you think I’m being a drama queen about this?”

Uncle Michael paused and thought about it. “No, I think that’s a very grown-up idea and maybe you’re just the one to talk to your mother about it.”

“Thank you, that means a lot.”

“Even though you’re a grown-up kid now, can I still give you a hug?” He opened his arms.

“I think I can still stand getting hugged by the family.”

“Good,” and he held me briefly. “I’d better reopen the shop. Can’t afford to lose business.”

“Uncle Michael...”

“Yes.”

“Can I leave a few minutes early so I can catch Mom at the gallery before she leaves for the day?”

“I think that sounds like a great idea. I’m sure I could handle the last half hour of the day on my own.”

“Great!” Then I got back to work and started on the next box to be opened.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

At 5:30 PM I went straight to the Taylor Bloom Gallery. I knew that MJ and Mom would both be there, with possibly one or two of MJ’s other employees, so I could, hopefully have time alone with Mom.

When I arrived I noticed that neither was in the front of the gallery. MJ had two other people working the gallery main rooms. When I asked where they were, I was directed to the back office area.

I was about to go in since the door was left ajar, and then I stopped short when I heard MJ’s voice slightly raised. “Lindsay, this cannot go on.”

“Justin, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m doing a great job selling the work here.”

“Lindsay, you know I’m not talking about work. You do a great job at the gallery, but I’m worried about Brian and our son.”

“My son.” What the fuck!

“Our son, Linds, it’s legal, remember.”

“That’s only until Brian understands.”

“Brian does understand, and so do I. Lindsay you need to get some help to clear your head.”

“Justin, I don’t know what you think I need help with. I’m perfectly fine. I finally know what I want and I’m not going to take any less.”

Shit! Mom really did lose it.

MJ lowered his voice, “Lindsay, you know that Brian has always loved you...”

“Yes, that’s the point.”

“You didn’t let me finish. Brian has always loved you as a friend. He’s gay, Lindsay. Trust me, he never swings the other way.”

“You don’t know anything about Brian and me. When we were in college...”

“I do know. When you were in college you both had one wild night together. Lindsay, if you recall I tried that with my best friend once, also. It doesn’t work. I didn’t get converted. I’m still gay...and so is Brian.”

“But Brian and I have Gus. We have a bond you’ll never have with him. I made sure our link was permanent.”

“I understand that Lindsay. We all love Gus, and maybe someday we can all be one united family again. But Gus is with us now and that’s his choice. Brian is with me -- is married to me -- and that’s his choice...and it’s permanent.”

“You can’t know that.” Mom’s voice softened a bit.

“I do know. We took a long journey to get where we are. We would never have taken the step to marry if we weren’t sure it was permanent.”

“But marriage doesn’t always work like you hope it will.”

“That’s true, especially if you don’t realize you’ve married the wrong person until it’s too late.”

“You know.”

I heard Justin move around and then chairs being shuffled. “Of course I know. I’ve known you and Mel for ages. Some marriages work out despite their problems but you two had a lot of differences that were insurmountable.”

Silence.

“Lindsay, after your fling with Sam, which was clearly more than a one night stand.”

“But it was.”

“Sexually, yes, but I think we both know you were quite fond of him. Remember, Brian and I were already living together when he tried to help you get Gus into a good nursery school. He told me what you asked him.”

“He did?”

“Yeah, he did. He thought it was funny and couldn’t believe you’d even approach the idea of a life with him, as husband and wife. But Lindsay,” softer voice, “I understood. I’ve always understood, more than Brian because he couldn’t see that side of you.”

“What side are you talking about?”

“The side that was hopelessly in love with a dream that could never be. The side that manipulated him into thinking I needed to be in New York City so he pushed me away when we were going to marry the first time, the side that couldn’t see him with anyone else except you.”

Crying. “But I need him more than you. I’ve always wanted him.”

The back door to the gallery opened. The one that leads directly into the office.

“But Lindsay, I’ve never wanted you.” Dad.

“What, but what about college?”

“Fun, experimentation with a friend, a failed experiment.”

“Brian, you don’t have to be so rough.”

“I think I do, Justin.”

“But, Brian, think of what we can have.”

I couldn’t keep outside anymore. “Mom, I didn’t know you were so sad and desperate. Maybe I could have helped. Maybe if I was still with you...”

“No, Gus. Your mother needs to see the world clearly and you are not the cause or the answer.”

“But Dad, maybe if she wasn’t alone.”

“Then she’d be halfway to her fantasy living arrangement.”

Shit, he was right. I really was feeding into her dream of a happy, hetero home life, as Dad would say.

MJ spoke up, “Lindsay, I’m going to call Deb. I don’t think she’s working today.”

I looked at MJ and the confusion must have been written on my face. “It’s time for your mother to get the kind of comfort she really needs. The love of a mother who won’t judge her, but will help her find her way.”

I nodded, understanding. Then Dad kneeled down next to where Mom was sitting, now teary-eyed. “I’m angry at you, Linds.” She looked up into his eyes. “You were losing your world but you didn’t act like the mature woman I know you can be. Remember, you’re Wendy. You need to guide the boys.”

Mom finally broke her silence. “I’ll try to work at fixing things, Peter. I don’t know how long it’ll take. I’ve felt this way for a long time.”

“Maybe you can see my friend Alex. I think you met him once.”

She nodded again. “That handsome doctor.”

“That handsome, gay doctor.” She laughed at Dad’s clarification and I was able to breathe.

“What do I do now?”

This time MJ put his two cents in, “You spend a few days with Deb until you’re ready to go home and you start to find a way to learn what and who you are and what you want in your life. If you’re bi, Lindsay, and would rather be with a man, then you have to become aware that Brian will never be that man.”

Mom looked from MJ to Dad and back again. “He’s yours, isn’t he?”

“Forever.”

“And Gus?”

“He’s ours, but he lives with us and will continue to do so until he’s old enough to live on his own.” At that I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding. MJ was still taking care of me.

Grandma Deb made her presence known in the front of the gallery and Mom, almost robotically got up and went straight to her. I saw her approach Grandma, and then fall into her arms.

“It’s okay, honey. Love sucks, especially misplaced love. But we’ll work on fixing it.”

After they left I watched Dad and MJ. They were looking at each other.

“Justin, I’m sorry. I didn’t know how bad it was.”

“I don’t think either one of us wanted to see it. Are you going to be okay?”

“If she really gets help...I think we’ll all be okay.”

“I hope so.”

“Sonny Boy, how about we go home now?”

I went straight to my Dad and hugged him tight. It felt good when he returned the hug as strongly. “Will she get better?”

“I think maybe she will.”

MJ laughed, “You’ve really become quite the optimist. I love you for that.”

“I was taught by the best.”

“It was only time.”

 

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