The Gus Diaries

Part 38

Parental Rights
 

I can’t believe how I handled my mothers. I’m not sure how consistently I’ll ever see them again but I just don’t trust them any more. They spent the first 14 years of my life living a lie and sharing that lie with me. It’s amazing how much a sentence or an idea can hurt.

When I was little I vaguely remember connecting with my Dad on a regular basis. Fuck, I even remember connecting with MJ on a regular basis – that’s how he got the name “My Justin” in the first place. He was more than one of the uncles – Ted, Emmett, Michael, Ben and later Drew and Blake. MJ was special -- whether he showed up with Dad or by himself, it didn’t matter. There was something really special about him.

Mem probably regrets all the cutthroat strategies she used in her law practice that she bragged about over the years. She ended up with a son that paid attention. I guess in some ways I’m smarter than most kids because when I want to know, and understand, something I work to get the answers. Even if it’s stuff that I don’t completely understand, I find out everything I can and somehow know that as I get older everything will come into focus.

You know that phrase, “Thank God It’s Friday”; well that’s how I’m feeling today. All I want is to spend time with my dads and Jeff out at Britin and forget the rest of the world exists. Of course, Grandma Deb had to pick this weekend to have a family dinner. I guess it’s a good, safe way to see my mothers again – in a crowd. Jeff said he’d still come back to Britin with me since we both have to be at work the same time on Monday morning.

I guess I’m getting ahead of myself and should back up to several days ago when I arranged to meet my mothers at MJ’s gallery. I had a plan in the making ever since I’d come up for air after learning how my mothers lied to me over the years. I wasn’t sure I’d go through with it. But that day I knew. No more ambushes at the diner, no more agreeing to do things, or act in a certain way, because it was expected of smart, polite Gus, no more watching out for everyone else’s feelings.

It was my turn. I know Jeff had other plans in mind where his parents were concerned, and in some ways his were much scarier, but more about that another day.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I didn’t have work until the afternoon that day. It was a slow time of year because all the public school kids were studying for finals. In about two weeks Uncle Michael assured me that business would pick up so much we’d have to schedule alternate bathroom breaks.

I had been doing a lot of research online and learned a lot about family and custody law and all the different documents that could be drawn up. It’s amazing what’s out there and how flexible the system has become. I guess it made sense, with people having surrogates to give birth to other people’s kids, gays being allowed to marry, and all sorts of different family arrangements out there. The laws had to change and so the laws in the State of Pennsylvania changed along with the times…or at least not too many steps behind.

I collected all my copies of the paperwork and took the business card I’d set aside, and started out my day with my messenger bag close at hand. Of course, all I had were copies I’d been given.

The kitchen seemed rather quiet that morning. “Hi Dad, MJ.”

“Hi Gus, are you ready to get bored at the gallery.”

“I’m never bored there. Besides if the morning does get long I can always take a walk to the diner and watch the homo world go by. That place is always hopping.”

“It’s good to have a plan of action, Sonny Boy.” Pause. “Do you have a plan of action for when you see your mothers today?”

Bingo, I knew Dad could see at least part of the way through me, despite the fact that he didn’t know who I’d been in contact with lately. He seems to have this sixth sense about me. I remember when I needed to get my tonsils out; he just showed up in Toronto, gift in hand.

Thinking back I recall him being angry at my mothers. Back then, at eight years old, I thought he blamed them for me getting sick, but reflecting back I now realize that he was angry because he wasn’t told I was going into the hospital. He had found out what was going on when Uncle Michael inadvertently wondered why Dad wasn’t going to be with me and asked him outright.

I looked at my Dad and I looked at MJ. It was time for me to give them a hint of what I was up to, but if I told them too much they might get in trouble, or even worse, stop my plans.

“I’ve been speaking with Lisa.”

The two of them looked at each other somewhat confused. It really had been a long time since she’d been involved with us. “You know, the lawyer that represented me as my advocate last summer, when you had all those papers drawn up allowing me to live with you.”

“Shit!”

“My sentiments exactly, Sunshine. Sonny Boy, care to tell us why you’ve been in contact with your legal advocate?”

“I guess I’ll have to tell you a little bit, but not a lot…at least not yet.”

I couldn’t seem to form a sentence. I wasn’t sure what I should or shouldn’t say. Dad and MJ were patient. They must have seen that I was trying and they didn’t push me. Finally, I knew what was important. “Dad, MJ, after learning everything that my mothers did over the years to alienate me from you both, but particularly you, Dad.” I saw him noticeably wince. “Well, I decided I wanted some extra guarantees put into place until I’m eighteen.”

“Don’t you feel protected by us?”

“Of course I do, MJ. That’s the thing. I need to know that I can remain secure and with the two of you.”

“Sonny Boy, what do you have planned – details please.”

“Dad, I’ll tell you if you really insist, but I’d just as soon handle this myself. In fact, I’d rather handle it myself and leave you out of it for now so you can’t be considered to have manipulated any of this.”

“I see. This sounds like a major step.”

“Have you thought this through Gus?” MJ pulled his chair closer to Dad’s and started stroking his hair and rubbing the nape of his neck. That’s what a loving household looked like.

“You know, MJ, I’m not sure I’ve thought about anything else over the past few weeks.” I looked at my fathers, sitting together, supporting each other, and sharing their genuine concern about me and my future with my mothers. “Please trust me. I’m usually pretty smart about important shit.”

I looked back and forth to each of them for the approval to move forward that I didn’t realize I desired and needed more than anything at that moment. I saw the two of them look at each other and then they rested their foreheads together having one of their non-verbal conversations.

MJ stroked Dad’s cheek and I saw a stray tear fall, although MJ thought he caught it before I noticed. He was wrong, but it was beautiful watching how he protected Dad. MJ leaned in and kissed Dad tenderly on the lips. “Okay, Brian?”

“Okay.” With only three words their conversation was over. There were thousands of important unsaid words and I’m still only able to pick up a few. Maybe that’s part of them and I’m not meant to enter that special realm.

Then Dad rubbed his hand gently over his face. “Sonny Boy, you do whatever you need to do. Justin and I are here for you no matter what the outcome.” I started to walk away and then Dad spoke again, “Just know that I expect you to be respectful. Respectful of Justin’s place of business,” that’s no problem, “and respectful of your mothers.”

“What?” I didn’t yell but that request confused me.

“There are many ways to handle unsavory situations, even when you’re the one holding all the cards. You can make enemies of people or earn their ultimate respect while you give them bad news and share your issues. That’s up to you.”

“I don’t want any enemies and I’ll try to be respectful.”

“Good.”

“Well then – Gus, are you almost ready to leave? I need to be at the gallery in less than an hour. The sooner the better.”

“Yeah, MJ. Just give me a few minutes for breakfast and then I’ll brush my teeth and I’ll be ready.”

“Okay then.” MJ got up and placed his coffee cup in the dishwasher and Dad followed him. They kissed again and MJ nodded his head when Dad sent him another of those unspoken messages. “I’ll be upstairs finishing up. I’ll be ready to leave in about ten minutes.”

I nodded and went back to pouring my cereal in the bowl. Dad stood by the kitchen counter and drank his coffee, sipping slowly and quietly.

“You know, Sonny Boy, that I love you.”

“I do, Dad – of course I do. I know MJ loves me too.”

“Good.” He paused seeming uncomfortable. “There was a time that I loved your mother very deeply.”

“Like a girlfriend?” Now I was really confused.

“No, although if I wasn’t gay I probably would have loved her like a girlfriend.”

“That makes sense. You’ve been close for a long time and I know you both, well, you know – in college.”

“I loved her enough to wish I could share that love with her physically, but it just wasn’t going to ever work for us.”

“Why are you telling me this now?”

“Because I want you to understand that Lindsay Peterson means more to me than I care to admit. I miss the Lindsay who only wanted to father a child with my sperm. I miss the Lindsay who wanted me to be a part of his life so much that she gave me a say in so much at the beginning that it drove a clearly irreparable wedge between her and her partner.

“I just want you to know all that before you leave today.”

I felt the tears welling in my eyes – not for me but for the obvious loss my father was experiencing and I couldn’t help him. “And now, Dad, how do you feel now?”

“Like I’ve had the wind knocked out of me and there’s a part of it that will never return.”

“I’m so sorry.” I walked around the kitchen island that had been separating us and leaned into my Dad as I hugged him.

“She’s still worth loving,” he choked out.

“I know Dad. I’ll never stop loving her but I don’t think I can truly trust her, especially with my life.”

“I know, Gus, I know.”

We held each other close for a brief time. I felt Dad shudder a bit and knew he was silently crying for a past he couldn’t resurrect. I knew there were tears forming in my eyes but I fought to keep them back. It was my turn to be supportive. When Dad began to release his hold on me I did the same. I don’t think I ever felt so connected to my father than I did at that moment, sharing the pain of losing the most important woman in our lives.

I brought my cereal to the table and ate in silence. MJ must have met Dad in the hallway right outside the kitchen. “Did you tell him?”

“Yes. I had to.”

“I know. It’ll all change today, won’t it?”

“I think that’s a given, Sunshine.”

“It’ll all be us.”

“We knew it might happen.”

“He’s so smart; we knew he’d do it if he was determined.”

“Are you prepared to be one of just two parents, Justin? There might even be repercussions.”

“I love him unconditionally Brian. I don’t think many kids will be able to claim to have two parents that love them like that anymore.”

“But no involved mothers.”

“No, but they won’t disappear. Besides, he also has my mom and yours.”

“Jennifer and Deb will certainly help fill in the gaps.”

“I hope so.”

“They’ll step up, they always do.”

“So you’re okay with this – you’re sure?”

“I couldn’t be more sure than if he was my own.”

“He is yours AND mine.”

“I love you Brian.”

“Me too.”

Then I heard the beautiful, soft sound of their lips meeting. I’m sometimes amazed at how long they’ve been together.

The rest of the day’s events were all in my hands. The one thing I was sure of was that, no matter what, I’d be loved and wanted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The drive to the Taylor-Bloom gallery was fairly peaceful and quiet. Every once in a while MJ would reach over and pat the back of my hand. It was a simple gesture but it meant so much.

“You know, MJ, there was a time I wanted to call you Daddy.”

“I didn’t know.” He seemed a bit taken aback by that. “Why didn’t you?”

“When I asked my mothers if I could call you Daddy, they told me it wouldn’t be appropriate since you and Dad didn’t really live together or have the kind of relationship that would earn you that title.” I laughed a bitter laugh. “They said you didn’t have the kind of relationship they had so the title wasn’t warranted.”

MJ made a small huffing sound. “Just so you know, I would have liked that. I’ve always considered you a son.”

“I know.”

The rest of the drive was in total silence.

When we arrived at the gallery, MJ had work to do and I went into the back office to organize my papers. When Mom arrived she had to get to work, and shortly thereafter Lisa showed up to chat with me in MJ’s office.

“Now, Gus, are you sure you want to take this step?”

“Yes, besides being an emotional move, it also makes sense with the current, oh, let’s call it environment.”

“Okay. When is your other mother expected?”

“Any minute now.” As I said that the soft musical chime at the entrance played; Mem must have arrived.

MJ brought both of my mothers into the office and closed the door. “No hurry, take your time.”

“What if it gets busy?”

“Lindsay, I’ll be fine. You have a more important place to be right now.”

I knew Mom didn’t want to face this meeting, especially when she saw Lisa enter the gallery.

As soon as MJ left the room and closed the door Mem opened her mouth. “Okay, Gus, what the fuck is this all about? I’m a busy woman – I don’t have time to be summoned with a day’s notice.”

I was about to say something when Lisa spoke up, “Excuse us for placing demands on your valuable time, Ms. Marcus, but as you know my client is a very determined and bright young man. He wanted to clear up this business and not have it linger for a prolonged period of time.”

“Why meet here, why not meet in your office?”

“Gus felt that this environment would be more comfortable for all of us, particularly himself.”

“I guess that selfish Kinney gene had to kick in at some point.”

That hurt. I was tempted to yell but I remembered Lisa’s cautions, as well as Dad’s from that morning.

“Ms. Marcus, I believe Gus wanted all of you to feel more comfortable, not just himself. This gallery is a place that all of you have assembled for many special occasions and celebrations over the years.”

“As well as the home of a couple of betrayals,” Mem muttered under her breath. That certainly got Mom’s attention. I still can’t believe how long those two were together.

Lisa continued, “Gus is a very bright boy.”

“We know all this.”

“Mel, please let her finish.” Mem nodded and finally quieted down, resigned that this meeting would happen, despite her obvious anxiety.

“Gus told me he respects both of you. He also told me of the betrayals perpetrated over the years to color his view of his biological father. A father who consistently tried to remain connected with his son.”

“He’s fourteen years old,” Mom said, meaning I wasn’t qualified to observe accurately.

“Almost fifteen.” I couldn’t help myself.

Lisa continued, “If I may, at his age I understand that emotional upheaval and added drama may distort his view, so I also did a bit of my own investigating with peripheral parties who were witnesses over the years.” Mem was about to ask something when Lisa calmly held up her hand. “I am prepared to name people but I hope that won’t be necessary, just as I hope filing for a court date won’t be necessary either.”

“So, Lisa, what has Gus asked you to do?” Mom was clearly anxious. She started wringing her hands and pulling at her fingers absent-mindedly.

“I bet I fucking know.”

“Ms. Marcus, please focus.” Lisa was a bit firmer with Mem that time. I guess she was getting as sick of their bullshit as I was. “Gus Taylor Kinney has requested that I draw up the paperwork to relieve you of your parental consent on all aspects of his life with the exception of medical emergencies when his fathers can not be reached in a reasonable amount of time.”

“I don’t understand. Does Gus want me to stop being his mother? I can’t do that.”

“I don’t think that’s what he’s saying, Linds. I’m beginning to see where this is going.” Mem seemed to calm after hearing Lisa’s words.

“Gus does not want either of you to surrender your parental rights. He respects that place you hold in his life.” I was glad Lisa was doing all the talking because I certainly couldn’t have handled my mothers like she could.

“My client respectfully requests that all matters of decision making on his behalf, until the age of eighteen, when he becomes a legal adult in the State of Pennsylvania, be turned over completely to Brian Kinney and Justin Taylor with no exceptions.”

“I’d ask what brought this on, but I think I already know the answer.” Sometimes Mem really did know what to say.

“Well, I don’t understand or like what I’m hearing.” Mom, on the other hand, wasn’t so aware.

“Lindsay, we’ve really fucked up over the years. There are members of our family circle who are aware of the falsehoods we delivered to Gus to keep him and Brian apart. Obviously they’re willing to rectify that now. If we don’t give up the complete rights to make decisions for Gus, he may take the next step with his advocate and request the court remove our parental rights altogether. While that would be harder to carry out it would also force us into court and cause emotional trauma for all of us, especially Gus.”

“So I just sign my son away. I can’t do that.”

“No, you give him the parents who will always put his interests before theirs. You give him the parents who are secure enough in their own lives and their own relationship that they don’t, and I’m surprised to be saying this, bad mouth or belittle his mothers. You give him the freedom to let us understand the pain we’ve caused through our foolish actions and the consequences those actions bring. And finally, you give him the respect he deserves in the thoughtful choices he’s making today.”

“But Mel, how can I…”

“Lindsay, how can we not? He still wants us to be his mothers – just in name only. Hopefully there’ll be a time when he’ll trust our advice again as he becomes an adult.”

Then Mem turned to me directly. “Hopefully you’ll learn from our foolish mistakes and trust that we have too. Although we’re not living together anymore, I know that both your mother and I love you deeply. We just don’t seem to know how to use that love to its best and most appropriate results.”

“Gus.” Mom sounded weak. “Do you still love me, love us?” It was pitiful but I understood why she was asking.

I felt a few tears fall from my face. I tried to wipe them quickly but a couple got away from me. “If I didn’t this wouldn’t be so hard, but yeah, I still love both of you. And somewhere, deep down, I know that you think what you did was for my best interests. That’s why I love you, but I just can’t trust your judgment anymore.”

Lisa put her hand on my shoulder and I nodded. She presented the legal documents absolving my mothers of all parental responsibilities without releasing them from their title as my mothers. The two began to read word for word, carefully, as instructed by Lisa. She stepped out for a split second to request that the man and two women she had brought with her from her office join us as witnesses and notary. To any observers they were just art admirers until that moment when their presence was needed.

As the documents were signed, witnessed and notarized I felt a sharp pain run through me. My entire life changed at that moment. I didn’t regret what I had initiated but it still hurt to admit to the failure of my mothers to make decisions in my best interest. Decisions that caused me pain and feelings of loss and abandonment for years.

I’d been reading a lot online and dealing with my feelings with an online teen support group. It was a site that was supervised by a social worker and I checked the whole thing out before I got involved. It dawned on me that lots of kids have problems that they can’t cope with alone and don’t know who to trust to let off steam safely. That’s when I knew what the subject would be of my first hard news story for the school paper in the Fall; How teens cope with family trauma and who can they talk to about it.

My mothers left the office. MJ looked directly at both of them. Mem spoke first, “Did you know?”

He shook his head. “Not really. I just knew something significant was up.”

“I’m sure he’ll share the copies of the documents with you and Brian tonight. Just don’t forget – we’re still his mothers and we’ll hold you fully responsible for his utmost care.”

“I won’t forget and neither will Brian. Gus has always been our first priority.”

“I know.” Mem then asked me if she could kiss me good-bye. I let her. “I know you still love me – that’ll have to be enough for now.” All I could do was nod.

Lisa assembled the paperwork. “I’ll file this all today. Here are your copies of all the documents. Gus, are you satisfied with the results?”

I stood up to my full height. “Yes, I am.”

“Good, then my ten dollar fee was worth it.” She smiled, shook my hand and left the gallery with her assistants.

Mom looked at me and silently turned and walked towards the other end of the gallery and began viewing artwork that was out on a long work table. She said nothing and I felt the emptiness that consequences from tough decisions sometimes cause.

Finally I walked over to MJ. “Well, all the artwork is still intact and no blood was spilled – at least not outwardly.”

MJ nodded and took me into his arms. I didn’t realize it but he guided me to a nearby bench as I began to collapse from the emotional exhaustion of the midday events. “I love you, Gus, and I promise to take care of you as best I possibly can. I know your Dad feels the same way.” Then he just rocked me as I cried.

I nuzzled my head against his neck. It felt so safe and so secure. I knew I could always trust him. Then I whispered, “I love you, Daddy.”
 

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