The Gus Diaries

Part 32

Helping Each Other
 

I was really worried about Jeff, in some ways I still am. It’s been two weeks since that fucking dinner with my mothers and during most of the past two weeks he’s been distant and quiet. He kept telling me it wasn’t me, but I was beginning to wonder. I just didn’t know how to reach him. It was really getting pretty scary so I finally decided a couple of days ago to talk to Dad and see what he had to say. I figured that since Dad’s entire career is based on getting to know what people need and want that he might be just the person to help under these circumstances.

While MJ was making dinner I went into Dad’s home office. It may be an office, but somehow when I’m in there with Dad or MJ it feels like some sort of safe place. It feels like them and very few people besides the three of us ever go in there.

The door was opened so I just stood at the entrance waiting for Dad to notice me.

“Are you holding up the wall, Sonny Boy, or are you here for another purpose?” Dad sounded pretty sarcastic and when he lifted his head I saw that he was smirking so I relaxed a bit.

“If you’re not too busy I wanted to talk to you about something that’s been bugging me.”

“I am busy.” I wondered if I would have to be brushed off until later. “But never too busy for you Gus. You look like a man with something significant on his mind.”

“I am. I’m also a man who doesn’t know enough about how to handle it.”

“Come in and have a seat. You know, a man needs to know when to ask for help. That’s one of the hardest lessons that any of us ever learn.” I sat down on the sofa and Dad stood up and joined me at the opposite end so we were facing each other.

“That’s one lesson I have down. I’m pretty good at asking for help.”

“Your mothers taught you that lesson, but I like to think that Justin and I had some influence there too.”

I looked up at Dad and he remained quiet, waiting for me to confess the purpose of my visit. I started fussing with the hem of my t-shirt and then took a deep breath and looked at Dad. “I don’t know how to help Jeff.”

“Sonny Boy, can you be more specific? What does Jeff need help with?” Dad seemed genuinely concerned and that was a relief.

“He’s been so distant and quiet.”

“He’s not particularly chatty normally.”

“I know, but this is different. Jeff is usually pretty calm, relaxed and even happy. Right now he’s just plain sad.”

“Have you asked him what’s bothering him?” I looked at Dad and rolled my eyes. “Of course you did.”

Dad and I both were a bit startled when we heard MJ at the door, “You know tomorrow’s Friday, and unless the planets have realigned won’t Jeff be here for the weekend.” MJ started to walk into the room and sat down on the arm of the sofa behind Dad. He put his hands on Dad’s shoulders and started gently kneading and massaging. “I hope this isn’t a closed door discussion since the door was wide open.”

Dad deferred to me. “No, MJ, I was just telling Dad that I’m worried about how sad Jeff seems. But you’re right, he’ll be here tomorrow night.”

“Why don’t we see how he’s doing with the relaxation of the weekend upon us? If he still seems out of sorts let me talk to him.”

Dad looked at MJ. “You know, don’t you?”

“Let’s just say I have an educated guess.”

“With 1500 educated points behind it.”

“I wish that was it. More like history repeating itself.”

Dad nodded at MJ and reached up to pull him down for a kiss. “Have I told you lately how much I enjoy being married to a genius? It certainly takes the pressure off me.” Dad smirked and MJ softly swatted him.

“Gus, I think being here with us for the weekend and getting away from the day to day grind will do Jeff a lot of good.”

“I hope you’re right, MJ. I just keep thinking I’ve done something, or not done something, to make him feel this way.”

“If my assumptions are correct this has nothing to do with you. Oh, the reason I came here in the first place…dinner’s on the table.”

“What fine concoction have you cooked up for my sophisticated palate tonight, Wolfgang?”

MJ laughed, “Ah, well, Senor, we’ll start with a mixed green salad, dressing on the side of course.”

“Of course,” Dad laughed.

“Then we’ll move on to the exquisite entrée. A fine blend of spaghetti with firm and tasty meatballs for protein.”

“Like I don’t get enough protein already.” MJ rolled his eyes and I just laughed.

“And this delectable repast will be accompanied by a fine glass of our best diet cola with lemon.”

“Ah, a meal fit for a king.”

“Well, Your Royal Highness, King of Fags, you’re meal awaits and is getting colder by the minute.”

My dads can be so fucking corny when they get like this, but I have to admit, it’s nice to see them having fun together. I think I’m beginning to understand why not only Dad’s office, but all of Britin feels like such a safe place.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

After school on Friday I just kept waiting and waiting for Jeff to get off work from the diner. He was working until 8:00 PM and I got off work at 6:00 PM when Red Cape closed.

Since it was light out, now that Spring was well underway, I decided to walk through a park near Liberty Avenue. It was beautiful out. The weather was warm, not too hot, and there were hardly any clouds in the sky.

I’d only been strolling (it was far slower than a typical walking pace) for just a short time when I saw my moms on a bench talking. I wanted to get closer to see if they were holding hands or at least smiling at each other. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen them that close without arguing.

I inched my way closer. Since I was coming from behind they couldn’t see me and I sat just far enough away under a tree. That way I could go on unnoticed by either of them.

It didn’t take long to realize what was going on, and I began to regret my over-active curiosity. For starters, they definitely were calm and relaxed, so I thought things were okay, but they were not holding hands.

“Mel, it’s nice sitting here. We haven’t done something like this in ages.”

“It’s ironic, isn’t it? The last time we were in this park sitting together was the last time we were separated.”

“That’s right. It was during the custody battle for JR.”

What the fuck! A custody battle!!!

“You know, Linds, since we had the kids – and I don’t blame them at all – we haven’t had too many quiet and peaceful conversations.”

“Some of our calmest times during the past fifteen years were when we weren’t together.” Mom huffed a small laugh after she spoke, but I could tell she wasn’t happy at all.

“Linds, I love you.” Much better, now they’re on the right track.

“I know Mel. And you know I’ll always love you. But…”

“But…we just can’t seem to get along under the same roof.” What! Change direction!

“It just seems that as soon as we made the commitment to be a family, and not just a couple with no ties in our lives, we fell apart.”

“It’s a fucking shame we didn’t see it sooner. It would have saved a shitload of grief and anxiety for all of us.” Mem took a breath and then she took Mom’s hand. “Don’t get me wrong. If it meant not having the kids then I’d do it all over again, but I think we both know.” Know what? Know what!

“We both know that we should never have gotten back together after the bombing.”

“It always seemed that we got back together because of something, or someone, outside our marriage.” They leaned into each other. They did love each other. What the fuck was happening?

“The first time it was Brian and the parental rights. You know he never would have done that if he could have thought of any other way to give Gus a stable home with two parents who loved him.”

“And each other, if I remember correctly. It’s too bad we couldn’t come through for Gus and make Brian’s sacrifice worth it.”

Mom looked at Mem with shock in her face.

“I’m not a fool, Linds. I know he gave up his parental rights under duress. I’ve always had a chunk of guilt in my gut over that, but I conveniently ignored it.”

“Have we been too selfish?”

“No, just blind to reality.” Mom nodded her agreement and I just put my head down in my hands.

“We’ll have to tell the kids.”

“Let’s wait a few days so we can think about exactly what we should tell them, and Brian and Michael.”

“No more hiding.”

“No more hiding. Maybe we can actually find some happiness apart.”

“It’s the one thing we’ve both missed out on for so many years. I hope we’re not too old.”

“You’re still the most beautiful blonde in North America.”

Mom laughed, “You used to say Pittsburgh.”

“I’ve seen everyone from here to Toronto, trust me on this.” Mem smiled. I realized I didn’t remember the last time I’d seen her beautiful smile. Now I understood where Jenny got her looks.

“You realize we were never actually married in Canada.”

“I know. It’ll make the next few months much easier if we can remain civil.”

“I’d really like that, Mel. Can we please try? Not like the custody hearing, let’s make this about peace.”

“A first for us. It’s a good goal to strive for.” Then the two of them hugged each other.

They were planning to separate for good, and I’d never seen them happier together. I didn’t know there were tears running down my face until one hit my wrist. I wiped my eyes, took a deep breath and looked at my cell phone for the time.

I had twenty minutes to get to the diner and put on a good front for Jeff. This weekend was about him, not me. I wasn’t supposed to know any of this shit anyway so I decided to wait until Mom and Mem shared the news in their own way. If I was Dad, I’d think that at least they’re making an honest and well-thought-out decision, but I couldn’t help feeling truly sad that my moms wouldn’t be living together anymore.

It was strange realizing that they were the first ones, out of all their friends, who were supposedly married -- but it was Jenny’s dads and my dads that were legally married. It was as if they knew this day would come and at least they saved themselves the grief of a divorce.

When I arrived at the diner a short time later, Jeff flew by me with a tub of dirty dishes. “Hey Newbie, it’s great to see you.” He gave me a quick kiss on the cheek, “I can’t wait to get out of here. The afternoon and evening rushes have been insane.”

“You have no idea,” I mumbled but he couldn’t hear me, and that was probably for the best.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

After a light supper of sandwiches and salads, since it was so late by the time we got back to Britin, we decided to make popcorn and thought about choosing a movie to watch. MJ gave me a sign with the nodding of his head and a wink so Dad and I disappeared, leaving him to talk with Jeff alone. I knew I had to hear what was going on and Dad pretended not to notice when I didn’t follow him to the media room.

“Jeff, could you help me get the popcorn going?”

“Sure, Mr. Taylor.”

“Justin.”

“Okay, Justin.”

“You know, Jeff, you’ve been with us a great deal over the past six months.”

“Oh shit, have I been free-loading? I’m sorry.”

MJ laughed. “No Jeff, we love having you here. You make Gus happy and you’ve become a member of this family.”

“That’s good. I wouldn’t want to overstay my welcome. You know your mom’s pretty cool, too. She really takes care of me. She makes sure I’ve done my homework, gives me extra lunch money if she thinks I’m not eating enough and goes to all the parent shit, I mean programs at my school.” Jeff really is such a great guy.

“I know. She loves having you with her. She says that it makes her feel twenty years younger and gives Tucker the chance to be a surrogate dad since my mom certainly doesn’t want any more little kids. I think it also gives her the chance to make amends for the past.”

“Tucker’s cool. They both are, but…”

“But what?”

Jeff was silent so MJ continued, “I’ve noticed, and I’m sure Gus has too since you two are together so often, that something hasn’t been quite right lately. Do you want to talk about it?”

“I’m not sure if I can.”

“Try me. I’m a pretty good listener and I even come up with some good advice from time to time, if you want it.”

“Tucker is really cool but he doesn’t understand.”

“Doesn’t understand about being gay?”

“No, doesn’t understand about what it’s like to feel well…” I peeked in to look and saw Jeff drop his head.

MJ walked over to him and touched his chin and nudged him to lift his head. “He doesn’t understand what it’s like to feel abandoned because of who you are.”

Jeff nodded his head.

“He might not, but I do.” Jeff looked up knowingly.

“But you still had your mom.”

“Not much. I moved out when my father basically threw me out.”

“Basically?”

“Oh, he gave me a choice – don’t talk about or live my ‘disgusting’ lifestyle and then I could stay, otherwise out.”

“But your mom…”

“Didn’t know what to do. I moved in temporarily with Brian and then more permanently with Debbie until the end of my senior year.”

“You mean when you were bashed.” This time MJ nodded.

“It’s crazy to want my parents when they don’t want me. Why can’t I just move on? You did.”

MJ snorted. “Is that what you think? I never really moved on.”

“Huh, I don’t understand.”

“My mother and I eventually came to terms with all that took place surrounding my coming out, and by the time I finished high school she divorced my father. We became much closer after that.” Jeff was listening intently to MJ. “But to this day, if Craig Taylor gave the slightest indication that he would accept who I am, I would be thrilled to have him back in my life. I still love him, but unfortunately I can’t stand the sight of him because of his disgusting and intolerant attitude.”

Jeff looked at MJ, “You know, you really know.” Then the two just clung to one another.

When they finally separated MJ continued, “If you ever need to talk, you know where you can find me, even if you’re no longer seeing Gus.”

“I can’t see that ever happening.”

“That’s good to know.” It sure as shit is good to know. “But in any case, you’re always welcome to talk to me.”

“Thank you Mr. Tay…I mean Justin.”

MJ nodded. “I think it’s time we got the popcorn and sodas and moved on to the movie of the week.” Jeff laughed. He really laughed and smiled for the first time since all the shit with my mothers, and his mom’s rejection, took place a couple of weeks earlier.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

After breakfast, the next day, and with a much happier and satisfied Jeff by my side (I was pretty satisfied too) Dad spoke up, “Sonny Boy, your mother called this morning before you came downstairs.”

Shit! “She wanted to know if we could come for brunch on Sunday at their place.”

“Fuck.”

“I had a feeling you’d feel that way. Justin suggested that since our home is bigger that brunch take place here.”

“What about Jenny?”

MJ added, “Michael, Ben and Jenny will be joining us…along with Hunter. He’s in town for his tenth reunion.”

I laughed, “I thought he hated high school.”

Dad inserted, “He fucking hated it that’s why he can’t wait to come back and snub the rest of them. He’s been written up in all the major medical journals for his research into cures for AIDS and he’s not even thirty.”

“He is pretty smart. It’s hard for me to think of him as Dr. James H. Novotny-Bruckner even when Uncle Michael shows me all those complicated research papers.”

“Yeah, well, we’ll have to give him a little respect. I might even have to bite the fucking bullet when he gets a Pulitzer some day.” Dad predictably had his tongue in cheek look.

“But about brunch…”

“Gus,” Jeff said, “whatever happens you’ll get through it.”

“I guess I have more support than most kids in the world could ever wish for.”

“We both do.” Jeff took my hand under the table and I noticed MJ smile and wink at Dad.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

Uncle Michael and Uncle Ben showed up about half an hour before the moms were expected. Hunter looked good. He somehow seemed taller despite the fact that he was at least three inches shorter than me. Maybe it was the way he held his head up proudly and confidently all the time. I remember he used to always be Jenny’s oldest brother…with the slouch.

Uncle Michael pulled Dad aside, not too discreetly. “So, what do you think?”

“How the fuck should I know, Mikey? I haven’t spoken to the munchers at all except for planning the logistics for today.”

“I just wanted to know if you detected anything from Lindsay’s tone of voice.”

“Michael, even if I did I wouldn’t make any assumptions. It’s too easy to get fucked over that way.” They didn’t know the half of it.

I felt a little guilty knowing the outcome and not sharing it. But I felt that eavesdropping didn’t give me the right to undermine my mothers, despite their plans.

It wasn’t long before the moms arrived, together. I wasn’t sure why they were still driving around together but I figured as long as they didn’t kill each other it would be okay.

Mem looked at Mom and nodded. “Brian, Michael, Gus, Jenny, I think we should talk before brunch.”

Dad silently, but dramatically, held out his arm to guide us into the front living room. It was another bright day outside so the room was well lit just from sun shining through the huge picture windows.

Everyone took a seat after the rest of the greetings were made and Mem spoke up. “The last time we were all together a lot of truths about Linds and me were revealed. Some we were aware of but others we swept under the rug and ignored.”

Mom sat next to Mem and took her hand. I saw Jenny smile at that and wished they’d just make their point before totally destroying the kid.

“Mel and I have talked, really talked, about us and our relationship…maybe for the first time since we had children. It was eye opening.”

Mem took over. “We realized that Gus and Jenny mean the world to us.” That felt good to hear in front of witnesses. “We also realized we love each other.”

“But…we also discovered that loving each other isn’t always enough.” Mom had the decency to walk over to me and Jenny. She was sitting next to me on the sofa and Jeff sat on my other side. She kneeled down and took my right hand and Jenny’s left and placed them between her hands and squeezed gently. “We love both of you more than anything. And if we could keep our home life pleasant and loving we would. But it’s obvious that Mel and I aren’t compatible.”

“But Mom!” Mom put a finger over Jenny’s lips.

“Shhh, sweetheart. We are so much happier when we’re apart. If we give ourselves permission to separate we may have a chance to be happy people and then we could be better mothers to both of you.”

Jenny hugged Mom and then ran over to sit on Uncle Michael’s lap. I can’t remember the last time she wanted to do that.

Mem came over and took Jenny’s vacated seat. “Gus, are you okay? You haven’t said a word.”

“Do you both completely agree on this?”

“Yes, lambskin, we do.”

“Then I’ll get used to it.” Fuck, I was already trying to get used to it without thinking about it too much. I was tempted to bring up what I’d overheard about Jenny’s custody but decided that could wait for another day.

“Gus, you’re such a grown up man,” Mem added. “I’m so proud of you.”

After that the room became quiet. Finally Ben and MJ rose and approached Mom and Mem. They each gave them a hug and a kiss on the cheek. It was almost as if they were approving of this decision. Maybe it was the right one, but it still hurt.

Then MJ turned to Uncle Michael. “Have you learned from the past?” I had no idea what he was talking about but apparently Uncle Michael understood. He gently helped Jenny off his lap and looked at Dad for a moment. Dad nodded. There was something important about Uncle Michael making the next move. He passed Uncle Ben who squeezed his shoulder and then approached both moms.

Uncle Michael hugged them both and then took a deep breath. “As my dear mother would say if she was here, you’re both still members of this family, and don’t you forget it. It doesn’t matter who you’re with or where you end up, you’ll always be family. Your choice of partner will never change how we feel about you.”

Uncle Michael looked to Dad. He was wearing a gentle smile on his face. Then he looked to MJ who was already smiling. I wasn’t sure why but a tear streaked down MJ’s cheek. Somehow it seemed like there was a peaceful feel over all of us – like something had been resolved that went beyond my moms.

Hunter, who had been quietly observing all this chimed in, “Well, I’m starving. Does anyone else want to eat? I hear Justin is quite the little Betty Crocker.”

MJ laughed and Dad said, “You’d be closer with Barney Cocker but you’ve still got spunk, kid.” Sometimes Dad says the weirdest things.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

Everyone ate brunch without too much drama. Mom and Mem promised to spend lots of “quality” time with me and Jenny. Jenny seemed to be much calmer and asked where she was going to live.

“JR, if you can stand living with Ben and me for a while, so your mothers can work things out, we’d love to have you with us.”

Jenny looked at Mem and then Mom and they both acknowledged the idea as a good one so Jenny happily took off with her dads and Hunter.

The house was finally quiet and I took the opportunity to approach Dad. “You didn’t say very much today.”

“There was nothing to say.”

“What do you mean, after that bomb they dropped?”

“Gus, this was a decision that was at least fifteen years in the making. Some people just find their way slower than others.”

“Dad, when did you find your way?”

“The night you were born. That was the night I met my destiny on two fronts.”

MJ walked over to Dad and aggressively pulled him in for a kiss. The two were still clinging to each other and kissing when Jeff and I decided to go upstairs and have some quiet time of our own.
 

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