The Gus Diaries

Part 28

The Art of Living with the Past
 

It’s great that Spring is finally here. I liked winter, and the skiing this past year was incredible, but after a while the cold weather can get really old. I’m starting to look forward to the reawakening of trees and warmth.

Mid-terms have come and gone and I think I aced all of them. Well, I may have gotten a ‘B’ in math but that’s okay because my class tests and grades will keep my overall average at an ‘A-’. Even Mem won’t complain about that, although she’s really been bugging me lately. More about that later.

This past week has been an emotional roller coaster for all of us. Some highs and some lows but I think we all came out better than we were before.

Dad and MJ told me that they spoke with Kip Thomas. Ken is in something called a Residential Placement for emotionally disturbed kids. That sounded scary and I was very upset.

I started pacing back and forth and running my hand over my face. It probably looked a lot like what Dad does when he’s been thrown a curve ball. “Did I do that to him? Is it my fault that he got sent away?”

“No, Gus, no. It’s absolutely NOT your fault.” MJ tried to touch my shoulders but I shrugged him off.

“Sonny Boy,” Dad’s tone was even but serious so it caught my attention. “You did nothing wrong. If anything it was…”

“Brian! Gus, this is no one’s fault. Sometimes people, especially kids, don’t know how to get past traumas they suffered when they were younger. They feel like they have to blame someone for their misfortunes and they let that pain and anger live and grow inside them until it erupts in an unacceptable way.”

“Then why the fuck do you have tears running down your face?” I knew I should have shut my mouth even before the words spilled out but I just couldn’t stop. “Do you think you know better because you had a trauma when you were a kid? Does that make you some kind of fucking expert?”

I saw the pain I’d just inflicted on MJ and realized it would have been quicker and less traumatic if I’d just stabbed him directly in the heart. He glared at me. “Gus I love you with all my heart, but right now you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about and I don’t like you very much,” and then he left the room.

Dad’s glare was worse than MJ’s. He looked at me and pointed at one of the kitchen chairs. I sat down and this time was smart enough to keep my big fat mouth shut.

“How dare you?” Then Dad rubbed his hand through his hair. He picked up a vase that was on the kitchen counter and almost threw it across the room but thought better of it and put it back down. He kept balling up his fists and releasing them. “How dare you say those things to him? I haven’t always liked all your choices but this has got be the first time I ever imagined you could be cruel.”

Rather than just admit my stupidity I think I dug a deeper hole. “When I heard Mem and Mom talking last time I was with them, I heard Mem saying that she was glad Justin finally got some of his memories back because it was too fucking long for him to have to search for his past; now he could get over it and move on. She said it was too bad he had to go through all the violence bullshit with some posse of gay assholes and that maybe he’d finally find peace. See Dad, everyone is tired of it.”

“Is that what you took from Mel’s words? That everyone is tired of it? Well here’s my fucking take from someone who knows how much your two moms loved Justin, and were supportive of him, way back when…they’re fucking glad he can start to release some of the pain he’s been carrying all these years and finally move forward in a positive way, not using some of the methods he tried when he was younger…and that clearly didn’t work.” I put my head down understanding Mem’s words for their true meaning. “How’s that for an interpretation, Sonny Boy?” Dad’s words were still charged with anger.

I nodded my head. I couldn’t say anything. I don’t think shame was a strong enough word for what I was feeling.

“Do you have any fucking idea how traumatic it must be too nearly die, AND to know that the reason was pure hate and bigotry?”

“No,” I spoke to the kitchen table because I couldn’t even look at Dad anymore.

“This Ken lived in a sad and depressed household because his fucking uncle made some ridiculous mistakes. Unfortunately, just when their lives were turning around a car accident robbed them from healing completely and the kid never really got over it so he learned to lay blame instead. No one knew what was happening inside him and no one thought he needed help until it was too late.”

“I know.”

“Then why did you say those awful things to MJ? You know he’s been trying to deal with reliving the past. Finding all those moments that he’s longed for and thought were buried forever has been incredibly traumatic. He’s finally completed his series. The showing of his canvases will be sponsored by several organizations. Did you forget about the opening at his gallery right here in Pittsburgh? And did you know the exhibition will travel to several cities…sight unseen, just based on his talent and the importance of the theme.”

“I didn’t know.”

“You didn’t give him the chance to tell you. He was going to tell you after we told you what happened to Ken Thomas, who by the way, is finally getting the help he needed all along, way before you came along. So cut out the fucking guilty martyr shit because it’s not your fault and it gives you way more power over the situation than you deserve.”

We didn’t realize that MJ had returned. “Sounds like great advice, Brian. Do you think you can finally take it?”

Dad looked at MJ and the two embraced. Then when they pulled back slightly Dad looked so intensely into MJ’s face I could almost see words passing between them before he opened his mouth. “Yes, Sunshine, I do.”

“It’s about fucking time.”

“My feelings for you may have fed that asshole’s hate, but I didn’t ask for that to happen and would never have come if I thought anything like that could possibly happen.” It came out almost sounding like a cross between a church confession and an apology.

“I know. Thank you for finally saying that. I hope you believe it.”

“I always mean what I say.”

MJ pulled Dad’s head down and they kissed for more than a couple of minutes. I sat there watching them, fully aware of what an asshole I was for saying those awful things earlier. I didn’t know how to take them back.

After a little while I made a small coughing sound. “MJ, I’m so sorry I said those terrible things to you. I couldn’t possibly understand what you’ve been through but I do know that it had to have changed your life in a huge way. I’m not sure how you coped all these years and getting all those memories back must have been a fucking shock to your whole system.” I took a short pause and then continued, “I know Dad thinks regrets and apologies are bullshit, but I really do regret my words and I’m sorry I said them. They were said out of petty jealousy and fear.”

MJ looked at Dad with the beginnings of a half smile. “He really is Rage’s son, isn’t he?”

It took Dad a minute but then I saw some sort of amused recognition on his face. “Oh shit, I’d forgotten all about that.” They kissed again and then MJ and Dad came over and sat with me at the table.

“I know that I’ve been neglecting you and your father for several weeks. The work is done and I’m ready to release those feelings and share them with the world. The opening will be Friday night and on Friday afternoon at four o’clock there’s a special showing for the family and at six the press will be allowed in for their preview. Before that, at about three, I’d like you and your dad to have a private showing with just me.” Then MJ looked at Dad. “Can you arrange that with your Kinnetik schedule?”

“Absolutely Sunshine.”

All I could do at that moment was hug MJ. I leaned over in my chair and did just that. “I love you so much, MJ. I don’t remember much, but I do remember when I was little sitting on your lap. I wish I could do that now.”

MJ and Dad both started laughing. I lightened the mood unintentionally but I did get a chuckle out of my own words when the reality of what I’d said hit.

“Now Sonny Boy, that would make quite a picture. It would make more sense for Justin to sit on your lap.”

MJ softly rubbed his hand over my shoulder as if smoothing a wrinkle on my shirt. Then he gave me a kiss on the cheek. I knew all was forgiven, I just hoped that he loved me enough to forget in time.

“MJ, can I bring Jeff to the gallery on Friday?”

He and Dad looked at each other and had one of those silent conversations. “Sonny Boy…”

“That’s okay, Brian, let me, he’s my son, too.” I smiled hearing MJ say that, especially after I’d just said things that were so brutal. “Gus, I think the world of Jeff, he’s a great kid, but the times I share this series with you and Brian or with the rest of the family are very personal. Everyone with us will have been a part of the nightmare I went through after I was bashed, with the exception of you and Jenny.”

I lowered my head, once again realizing how selfish I’d been, “I see.”

“I’m not sure you do, yet.” Then MJ lifted my chin so we were looking directly at one another, “You have every right to have the person you love near you and I would like you to ask Jeff to join us during the media hour at six o’clock.”

“Really, are you sure?”

“Of course I’m sure. Jeff is now a member of our extended family, but I just think that having him there at four might be too much for some of the family, not just me. Can you understand that?”

“I think so. Will Tucker be there?”

Dad snorted, and MJ continued, “I spoke to Grandma Jen. She thinks that Tucker would prefer attending at six o’clock as well, letting her and Molly come to the show earlier.”

“Wow, Molly’s coming! I thought she was digging something up in Egypt.”

“She was on a dig in Egypt but when my mother contacted her about the theme for this show, she jumped at the chance to come home and see it.”

“How old was Molly when all that happened?”

“Sonny Boy, Justin’s sister was almost nine,” Dad jumped in seeing that MJ seemed to be getting a bit drained from this conversation.

“Eight, but I remember just about everything from when I was eight.”

“That’s right, and so does Molly. In fact Justin moved in with Grandma Jen and Molly for a while after he was released from the hospital’s rehab facility. She remembers a lot of the after-effects.” Dad looked at MJ as he tilted his head down as I had shortly before. He seemed to have a weird reaction to Dad’s words and I couldn’t understand what was happening.

“Justin.” No response. “Justin, look at me.” MJ slowly lifted his head to look at Dad. He appeared almost old and weary. “She’s forgiven you. She’s a grown up now and understands.” MJ shook his head and tried to tilt it down again but Dad placed his hand firmly under MJ’s chin and forced it to stay up. “You have nothing to apologize for. She was young and you were...” Dad glanced at me and then back at MJ. “You were too hurt to handle your reactions.”

“You mean brain damaged,” MJ replied and I nearly choked.

“No, I mean hurt, both physically and emotionally.” MJ snorted. “Justin, listen to me. Are you listening?”

“Yes, I’m fucking listening.”

“You were NEVER damaged. You were a victim and had the responses of a victim…especially a young victim. Don’t ever refer to yourself as damaged again! I don’t love damaged goods.”

MJ laughed, “I guess Brian Kinney wouldn’t, would he?”

“You’ve got that fucking right! I don’t ever want to hear you say anything like that again.”

“I won’t.” MJ and Dad stood up in sync and immediately held each other so tightly that I wondered if one of them would break the other’s ribs. MJ fit his head just under the side of Dad’s chin, leaning into his shoulder. Dad began to automatically stroke MJ’s hair.

I stood up from the table. “I have some homework to finish, excuse me.” And I started to leave the room and give them some privacy.

Just as I was about to reach the stairway, I heard MJ call out to me so I stopped. “Gus, I know that you were a baby when all this happened.” MJ stopped talking and took in a deep breath. “But you’re my son, and I want you to see -- no, more than that -- to understand all that has shaped my life since 2001. Now my view has been changed significantly since I’ve added a whole new set of memories to my repertoire, and you and your Dad are the two people who should see this first.”

“I do want to understand more.” I smiled at MJ and he nodded. I looked past MJ and saw Dad and he winked at me and smirked. I guess I gave the right answer.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

Tuesday afternoon, when school let out Jeff and I had some time to get together. Michael didn’t need me at the store until 4:00 and Jeff’s shift at the diner didn’t start until 4:30, just before the dinner rush began.

It was a nice afternoon, so we decided to walk to Liberty Avenue rather than have Grandma Jen pick us up.

“Hey, Newbie, what did you get on that paper you had to do for English?”

I shrugged. “An ‘A’.”

“Did anything happen with those two assholes in your Math class that think they’re God’s gift to Advanced Algebra teachers everywhere?”

“No.”

Jeff stopped short and turned me towards him. “What the fuck is wrong? Are you okay? Did something happen in school? Did someone hurt you?”

If I wasn’t so preoccupied I probably would have laughed. Jeff is so funny, and kind of hot, when he gets all protective. “Nothing happened. I’m just thinking about this Friday night and MJ.”

“Oh, you mean his show. Why is something wrong? Did you see the paintings—do they suck?”

“No, fuck no. MJ’s an artistic genius and a natural talent…at least that’s what everyone says. I just said some stupid things yesterday and I still feel bad about them.”

“Who did you say them to?”

“MJ. I was an insensitive asshole. It kind of reminded me of some of the stories Mem used to tell me about my Dad, before he met MJ, and even for a little while after.”

“One of your moms said your Dad used to be an asshole. That’s fucked up.”

“Yeah, I just hope I’m not as fucked up as the two of them. Even now Mem has trouble checking her mouth at the door. Now I opened my mouth and was a total jerk towards MJ, knowing all the shit he’s been going through recently.”

“Gus, stop acting like you’re destined to be an asshole, cause then you will be. We all say stupid things; your dads know that.”

I took Jeff’s hand and pulled him close and kissed him. He always knows just what to say.

“Are you coming on Friday night?”

He looked at me and smirked. “I’ll come anytime you want, Newbie.” I walked right into that one. I nudged his shoulder with mine and we both laughed.

“Let me try that again. Are you going to MJ’s show?”

“Are you kidding—I’m invited to the media screening of a famous artist’s newest work, who I actually know—fuck, of course I’ll be there. Your Grandma even got my suit pressed for the night.”

“I hope it’s cool that you’re going later than the rest of the family.” I had been a bit concerned about how Jeff would feel about that, knowing he’d sort of adopted our family as his.

“No problem, especially since I’ll be strolling in with Tucker. It’ll give the media two more hotties to look at.”

“Gross! That’s my Grandmother’s…well her…”

“Fucking partner.” Jeff laughed as he said it.

“Shut up, now you’re being the asshole.”

“Hey, just remember, I have to live with them.” Then I started laughing.

By the time we reached Red Cape Comics it was nearly time for me to start work. Uncle Michael gave me a little wave as Jeff walked with me to the employees’ room in the back of the store where we had a little fun kissing and tongue-fucking for a while. Then Michael started coughing. “Excuse me, it’s a bit dusty with all these comics lying around, NOT on shelves.”

Jeff laughed, “Later, Newbie.”

“Later.” Then Jeff took off for the diner. “I hear you, Uncle Michael. Which comics should I work on first?”

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

Wednesday night I had dinner with my moms and Jenny. They were living in a nice house that looked a lot like Uncle Michael & Uncle Ben’s and was pretty close by, too. Jenny and I were working on our homework at the tiny kitchen table when Mom called us into the dining room for dinner.

“So how’s your school work going, honey?” I rolled my eyes.

“Fine, Mom. How’s everything going at the gallery? It must be getting crazy with all the preparations for MJ’s show.”

“You can’t imagine. Emmett’s catering company is all over the place measuring spaces for the champagne and wine bars and Justin’s been hovering over every detail to insure that his paintings are hung in the right order.”

Jenny got all excited. “Mom, have you seen any of them? It’s some kind of big mystery. Even Gus and Uncle Brian haven’t seen them.”

“Actually I’ve only seen a couple but I know the dimensions of all of them and each is almost ready to be placed.”

I could see Mem getting tense. “I don’t know what the big deal is. We all know this has to do with Justin’s prom. I just can’t wrap myself around seeing a bunch of paintings of Brian dancing with Justin.”

I glared at Mem, shocked by her harsh reaction, but before I could say anything Mom spoke up, “Mel! How can you of all people say that, knowing all the pain and anguish Brian and Justin went through during the entire year after Justin was attacked?”

Mem glared at Mom. “I just don’t think it’s healthy to relive one night as if it has such an impact this many years later.”

This time I had to say something. “Mem, how can you say that? You’re a lawyer for fuck’s sake. You know how crime victims suffer for years after and it affects all those closest to them, too.”

“Despite his poor choice of language,” Mom looked at me, “Gus is right. Think of all that happened to Brian and Justin because that night was lost to them.”

“Lindsay, you’re such a romantic.”

“I like that Mommy is romantic. At least one of you has a heart.” I think I nearly got whiplash turning so quickly to look at Jenny.

“Jenny Rebecca! How dare you say that to me?” Mem was really getting huffy and I was beginning to regret having visited at all.

“Oh, come on, Mom. I don’t know what your deal is, but it’s been ages since you and Mommy did anything really romantic together.”

“We’re just a busy family, especially since we all moved back to the United States.”

“Bullshit.” Jenny was going to get it now.

“JR!”

“Mommy, you know it’s true. Gus is a guy; he doesn’t notice these things as much, but you and Mom don’t touch or anything. You sometimes don’t even act like you like each other.”

“Jenny,” I looked at her, “I don’t know about straight guys, but I’ve noticed too. I guess I just wasn’t brave enough to open my mouth.”

Mem stood up and began to leave the dining room. “I’m not hungry. Gus, your father and Justin will be here to get you soon; you’d better get your stuff together.”

I felt bad watching her leave and noticed that Mom wasn’t even surprised. If anything she relaxed when Mem left the room. The thoughts crossing my mind were pretty scary and I looked at Jenny and it was obvious we were having the same thoughts.

“Mom?”

“Gus, JR, there are times in a marriage when people grow apart and then they usually bounce back. This is one of those ‘apart’ times for us. Don’t worry, we’ll work it out.” ‘We always do,’ went unsaid. I wasn’t sure if she was trying to convince JR and me or herself. Maybe all three of us.

All I can say is that I was relieved when Dad and MJ showed up. I decided not to say anything about the evening to them until after MJ’s show.

When I went in the kitchen to get my backpack and laptop I saw Jenny working again. “I think we need to talk – just you and me.”

“Yeah, Gus, I think you’re right. Let’s make it soon and I’ll fill you in on life with the lesbians.”

I laughed, “Don’t let them hear you say that.”

“I won’t. I love them so much, but there’s definitely something wrong lately.”

“Me too. I’ll see you Friday.” We hugged tight and then I took off to safer territory. I kind of hated leaving Jenny behind but she was obviously okay and I meant what I said. We would definitely talk VERY soon.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

After school on Friday, Dad picked my up and we went straight to Kinnetik, where I freshened up and changed into my suit. All three of us had new suits, sent directly from Aldo in New York City. Since he has our measurements we have ‘shop at home’ service. Although unlike my dads, I think I’m still growing. Those tall genes really took hold.

When we got to the gallery I was getting more and more nervous by the minute. I had no idea what to expect. The fact that we were meeting MJ there made it even worse because somehow seeing him always relaxes me. It’s kind of funny, each of my parents sends out different messages, but the message I’ve always gotten from MJ, even before he and Dad finally tied the knot, was ‘I’m approachable and you can tell me anything’. I feel that way with my other three parents to some degree, but with MJ it’s 100% all the time. Now I wanted to be there for him 100% no matter what he put on those canvases.

We got to the gallery at precisely 3:00 PM. Dad wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Well, Sonny Boy, are you ready?”

I nervously shrugged my shoulders. “I guess. Have you seen any of these?”

“Not one.” Dad took a deep breath and so did I as we walked into the Taylor-Bloom gallery.

MJ was giving a final instruction to Emmett and Mom and then he turned to us and smiled. He walked over and gave each of us a big hug and kiss. “I’m so glad you were able get here on time. I wanted you both to see everything first with no other interruptions.”

“Lead on, Sunshine.” MJ held Dad’s hand and I followed. Mom, Emmett and their crew must have had instructions to make themselves scarce while we had our private viewing because it appeared as if we were all alone in the building.

The first painting, entitled “All for One”, was a view looking down. It was somewhat abstract but it seemed to be someone looking into a room of onlookers who were giving the viewer a standing ovation. Looking closely at the painting my eyes were first drawn to a heavy set figure with bright red hair. That must be Grandma Deb. I wasn’t sure who the rest of the people were but I figured I could ask Dad and MJ later.

I noticed MJ looking at Dad, not his artwork. Dad looked at him. “I missed that.”

“I know, but now we both can enjoy it.”

“Dad, you’re not in this picture?”

“No Gus.”

“MJ, who’s in the painting?”

“Well, Gus, those two figures are your moms, there’s Grandma Jen…”

“The next one’s gotta be Grandma Deb.” Dad laughed and MJ gently elbowed him in the ribs.

“That’s right and this is Uncle Vic, Grandma Deb’s brother.”

“No shit! I’ve heard so much about him, especially from Uncle Michael when he used to come to visit in Canada. He always had a great ‘Uncle Vic’ story to tell.”

Dad seemed to get quiet as he gazed in the direction of Vic’s figure, so I shut my mouth. MJ touched Dad’s arm gently. “Ready to move on?”

Dad nodded and put his arm around MJ’s shoulders as we moved on.

The next painting totally confused me. The title of the work was “Prom Queen” but it was just this huge burst of color…not really orange, more like coral. It sort of had this shimmering look to it. The one thing that was certain is that somehow I felt good looking at it. Definitely one of MJ’s more abstract works.

Dad started laughing and it was good to see him perk up a bit and MJ smirked, “I guess you know what this is.”

Dad looked at the painting again, “The teen fashion statement of the century. She really did look hot that night.”

MJ gave Dad a tight hug around the waist. “I remember.”

There were some other works that Dad looked at with both amusement and sadness. Although the subjects in some of the works were unclear it was obvious that Dad and MJ knew who they all were.

The titles of the works were all interesting and when I had a chance at some point in the future I hoped to ask MJ about their true meanings.

There was, “Flannel Farewell”, “Plans for Portland” and my favorite “The Hug”. The last one was a beautiful painting of Grandma Deb giving one of her major power-hugs to Uncle Michael. They both look sad but you could see the love in their eyes.

Each painting seemed to be from the point of view of the artist so it was like looking through MJ’s eyes. It gave me a creepy yet somehow warm feeling inside.

The next series of paintings were incredible. The first was a pair of large hazel eyes, with a white scarf draped around them. It was called “Deer in the Headlights”.

The next, “Happiness”, illustrated movement as two bright smiles swept across colored lights.

Dad, MJ and I all laughed at the next one, “Dip”. It illustrated a sea of bodies with blurred faces…upside down.

“Dad, you didn’t.” I looked at both my fathers and they both had these knowing smirks on their faces.

“You bet your ass I did, Sonny Boy.”

The final canvas of this series was, “The Kiss”. This painting, once again, showed movement, but the subject was obvious. It was the beautiful blur of two figures kissing amongst a swirl of black and white.

MJ looked at us. “Well, what do you think so far?” Although he was speaking to both of us, I understood that the words were meant for Dad and I kept quiet for once.

“I think they’re brilliant. How much do you truly remember?” Dad held MJ’s face in his hands and kissed him softly and quickly.

“More than I realized at first. More and more smatterings of color are coming into focus every day. I think I have almost everything back in place.” It’s amazing how MJ sees the world through a palate of colors, whether they’re there or not.

Then he seemed to get serious, “Brian, there’s two more walls and although there aren’t many paintings left, I’m concerned about you seeing them.”

“Justin, I have never forgotten any moment of that night and never will, or its aftereffects. Nothing you could show me could hurt more than the reality did.”

“I just don’t want to bring up all that pain.”

Dad held MJ close and kissed him on top of his head. Then Dad looked at MJ and leaned in so that their foreheads were touching, “If the pain gets to be too much all I have to do is look at you and touch you to know that you’re here…with me.”

“Now and forever.”

Dad and MJ held each other as they moved forward. The next wall had three huge paintings. The first was a sea of drab gray with a small black truck or jeep isolated at one corner, with a red smear across the back fender. The piece had an eerie feeling. It was the darkest of all the paintings so far, and gave me the shivers to look at. I wasn’t sure why, and decided not to ask, but the title of this work was “Alone”.

I glanced at Dad and saw him lower his head and rub his eyes so I remained quiet. MJ rubbed his back and we silently moved forward.

“Pain and Rage” was evident on the next canvas. The center was a fist, with reddened knuckles, gripping a fuzzy pink ball. All around it were images of sketches of family members I knew, but they were torn, ripped and virtually mutilated. And to add to the violent feel of the piece a pistol lay in the lower right hand corner. It hurt to look at that painting and I found myself trying to hold back tears. I felt MJ’s pain, despite the fact that it was a pain that was born fourteen years earlier.

Dad walked away and MJ followed him. I couldn’t hear what they were saying but Dad was holding MJ as if he were clinging to him to keep from drowning. MJ was holding him and rubbing his back, whispering in his ear the entire time. Then Dad started kissing MJ all over his face, forehead, hair and then lips. Dad’s eyes were wet and his breathing appeared significantly labored.

Eventually MJ handed him a tissue and Dad wiped his eyes. “Can you move forward? I promise the rest will be easier.” Dad nodded and chastely kissed MJ one more time.

The final painting of this series was truly an explosion of color. “Rebirth” depicted a baseball bat exploding and splintering everywhere, above it, emanating from the bat’s explosive sparks, a disco ball rose. It was like watching a sunrise or sunburst. It would have been corny had it not been so powerful.

Then MJ situated himself between Dad and me and guided us to one isolated huge ass painting. This one was far less representational and quite obvious to anyone who understood the symbolism.

The work, aptly entitled, “Victory”, was symmetrical in nature. Two left hands were layered one on top of the other, each sporting a wedding ring. The pointer and middle finger on each hand formed the “V” for Victory sign. Throughout the rest of the pale blue background there were a variety of symbols that appeared across the canvas like shooting stars or comets. Rainbows shot through peace signs, while smaller scale logos representing same sex couples, both male and female, rained down from some unknown source. It would have been incredibly simplistic had it not been for the brush strokes that were stylistically similar to Van Gogh’s, therefore lending boldness beyond expectation to the obvious message, with an element of three-dimensionality.

Dad picked up MJ and spun him around. As he lowered him to the ground he kissed him. This was no ordinary kiss. It was a kiss that told the story of all of Dad’s feelings for MJ. In this moment MJ and Dad were the only two people on the planet. It was hard to watch their love at that moment because it was so powerful. They really are Rage and JT and I get to call them both “Dad”.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

The rest of the family began to arrive and Emmett and Mom seemed to reappear immediately to greet them as they walked through the gallery door. Dad remained in the background with a glass of wine and I hung out with Jenny. She was okay to hang out with for a while…at least until Jeff showed up later.

I watched the reactions of the entire family. Mom told me that she had cried when she hung the paintings earlier that day and Emmett, well, he was always acting like he was going to be swept away by his emotions.

Grandma Deb kept repeating over and over again to Carl and Ben, “My Sunshine is fucking incredible!”

Grandma Jen and Molly were frozen for a long time in front of “Pain and Rage”. Molly started weeping quietly and Grandma Jen held her until MJ came over and took his sister off to the side, gave her a glass of wine and sat with her. As I walked past them I heard Molly, “I was so young and you scared me so. I was glad when Mom sent you away for good.” Then she grabbed MJ and held him tight and he returned the hug. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay. I scared myself. It’s okay.” He just held her.

Grandma Jen watched them as she approached Dad. “That’s been a long unresolved timeframe for them.”

“It’s been a long unresolved timeframe for all of us.” Dad looked at her.

Grandma nodded, “I know. You do know how much I love you now?”

“Yeah, I think so.” Dad sipped his wine. I could see that he was getting uncomfortable.

“Good, don’t ever forget that, even when we’re reminded of the past.”

“I won’t Jennifer.” Grandma softly caressed Dad’s cheek and then reached up to kiss him there.

Dad smiled and briefly took her hand and squeezed it.

While MJ was mingling with the whole family I noticed Uncle Michael walk over to Dad. “There’s one memory he’ll never have.”

“Thank the gay Gods for that.” I wasn’t sure what they were talking about so I continued to listen.

“There are some memories that are just as well left to us. Those hospital walls were too white and you, you, you looked…” Dad just nodded and put his arm around Uncle Michael’s shoulders as they both looked out at the room filled with MJ’s new memories.

“Better to spare everyone else.” Uncle Michael paused and then continued. “I wonder if he remembers that I asked him to take care of Ma for me when I went to Portland. He’d really become a younger, extremely annoying, facsimile of a kid brother to me.”

“I know. From the looks of “Plans for Portland” he does.”

“I’m glad. I always regretted losing that feeling for a while, along the way.”

“I know you did, Mikey, and I was sorry you two were strained for so long also.”

Uncle Michael grabbed a glass of wine and raised it to Dad. “To memories, may we all get to keep the good ones for many years to come.”

Dad raised his glass. “Here, here, Galaxy Lad.”

“That’s Zephyr to you. I’ve been promoted.” Uncle Michael smirked. Jenny and I moved on, smiling at each other. As we did I heard Uncle Michael, “You know Brian, we have great kids.”

“We did okay.” And they both smiled and continued watching everyone look at MJ's paintings.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

By the time the night ended everyone was emotionally exhausted and there was an overall feeling of calm.

Dad, MJ, Jeff and I all went back to Britin. Dad and MJ went into the living room to have a drink while Jeff and I went into the kitchen to have a snack.

While the popcorn was popping and Jeff was heating up some milk for hot chocolate I went to see if Dad and MJ wanted some popcorn too.

When I reached the entrance to the room I was dumbstruck. Dad and MJ were dancing but there was no music playing. “I remember telling you it was the best night of my life.”

“And then I said…”

“It was ridiculously romantic.”

“That’s right.”

“I also remember how you looked at me when you said it. That was the first time you told me you loved me.”

“You know?”

“Yes.”

“Then why didn’t you paint it?” Dad stopped dancing and just stared into MJ’s eyes.

“Because that moment belongs to us and only us and now that I have it back I don’t want to share it with anyone but you.”

Dad and MJ were still for almost a minute until Dad finally broke the silence, “Okay.”

“Let’s go to bed. I’m ready to celebrate my after-prom activities.”

“It’s about time, Sunshine.”

I backed away so I was out of sight and watched them walk hand in hand upstairs, with Dad carrying a bottle of champagne in his other hand.

As I returned I looked at Jeff and tried to imagine not being able to remember the first time he told me he loved me or the wonderful night we had at his prom. I shuddered just thinking about it and admired my Dads for surviving their experience.

I hope I can be as strong as they are if I ever need to be.

Then I took a deep breath to swallow some of the emotions that threatened to overtake me again and gave Jeff a huge kiss sending him all the love I possibly could in that one gesture. I hope, no matter what happens or who he’s ever with he never forgets me.

 

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