The Gus Diaries

Part 21

The Dance

When I look back at the past few weeks I’m surprised I came out of it in one piece. MJ needed brain surgery, Dad was freaking out and Jeff and I got physically closer than ever before. Then it seemed like the whole world starting crashing around me and I didn’t know what to do.

It started a couple of weeks after MJ was home from the hospital. He was really doing great and Dad was having an even better time doting on him.

“Hey, Sunshine, don’t you think you should get something for me to eat for lunch. After all I have been an attentive and caring partner lately…now it’s your turn to get off your ass and get back to work.”

“I knew the jig was up when the doctor removed the stitches last week and said that I could slowly begin taking on my usual day to day responsibilities.” MJ laughed.

It was really great to hear his laugh and even more to see his smile. It wasn’t that fake smile he was wearing before the surgery to pretend he was cool and everything would be just fine…now the smile that Grandma Deb calls his Sunshine Smile had returned. Even I could see why Dad and Grandma call him Sunshine.

“Come on Justin, I’ll even help with lunch. I’m getting hungry.”

“Wow, Brian, you must be in a good mood. You’re hungry before me. Did you skip breakfast again?”

Then Dad went over to MJ and gently ran his hand on the new growth of Justin’s hair, “No, but seeing you getting healthier every day is hot, and that definitely increases my appetite.” Then Dad raised his eyebrow and MJ really started laughing.

I tried to pretend I hadn’t heard them but I burst out laughing, too.

“Hey, Sonny Boy, there’s nothing wrong with letting the person who turns you on know it once in a while. Take a lesson from your old man…or rather hot, sophisticated Dad…sex only gets stale if you let it. Sometimes people can stay turned on by each other for a lifetime.” Then he gave MJ a whopper of kiss that looked like it left them both dizzy.

“You know, Brian, I’m getting kind of hungry myself. Let’s eat, quickly.”

“You two act like horny teenagers sometimes.” I couldn’t help adding my two cents.

“Let that be a lesson to you, Sonny Boy, that’s the answer to perpetual youth.”

“Yeah, but you guys can’t keep your hands off each other anywhere.”

“Gus, I only hope it stays that way forever.” MJ’s words really meant something to me. I wasn’t sure why, but somehow, they were important to hear.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

The next day at school posters were going up all over the place, announcing the Valentine’s Day Dance. I just shook my head and walked past them. Each poster had a huge picture of a guy and a girl kissing with a heart and a fucking ugly cupid over their heads. It was gross.

“Hey, Newbie.” Jeff came up from behind me and ran his hand through my hair. I immediately moved away without even realizing it.

“Hey, Jeff, what’s up?”

“Check it out,” he said pointing at the poster. “All the guys are going but none of them dance as well as we do. We’ll wipe the floor with ‘em.”

“You want to go to that? You must be kidding.”

“Gus, what the fuck are you talking about? Of course I want to go.”

“Why?”

“Why? Well that’s a fucking weird question. There are three dances a year that are worth going to. One is the Valentine’s Day Dance, one is the Junior Prom right before Spring Break and one is the End of Year Dance, unless you’re a senior and then you go to the Senior Prom instead of the End of Year Dance.”

“But why the fuck would we go to any of those stupid dances?”

“I don’t know.” Jeff was getting pissed at my questions; I could tell. “Maybe because we’re boyfriends and people who are going together go to these things and have a good time with each other and their friends.”

“But it’s not for boyfriends. It’s for straight kids. Look at that fucking picture. We’re not invited. If we go we’ll be flaunting ourselves and drawing unwanted attention.”

“Gus, are you out of your fucking mind! Everyone knows we’re dating. Shit, everyone knows we’re wearing each others’ locker keys. What difference does it make? Your family taught me the value of coming out to everyone, no matter what the cost. I have no intention of closeting our relationship, do you?”

“Well maybe the cost doesn’t always equal out. Maybe there are some times that…what’s that phrase…discretion is the better part of valor.”

“I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with you, but I’m going to this dance. All my friends, our friends, will be there. I hope you’ll be there with me, otherwise it just won’t be the same.”

With that we parted and didn’t speak the rest of the day, or the next, or the next.

I wasn’t sure what was wrong with me, but for some reason I became nervous about touching or even going near Jeff in school. Finally on the fourth day I knew he didn’t have work and neither did I, so asked if we could go to the diner together and then spend the afternoon at Grandma Jen’s. Jeff seemed really happy that I approached him and we headed for the diner together after school.

“I’m glad that you seem to feel better about us, Gus. I’m not sure what you were thinking, but you had me worried.”

“That’s the thing Jeff, I am worried.”

“About me, you know I’m only into you. What’s there to be worried about?”

“I keep having this feeling that if we really act like we’d like in or around school, or at school activities, that we might end up getting into a mess that we can’t get out of.”

“What kind of mess? I don’t understand where this is coming from. You know our friends are all cool with us.”

“I know, but not everyone is our friend.”

“So you want to hide from everyone because not everyone is our friend and some assholes might be homophobic?”

“Sometimes homophobic assholes don’t know when to stop and then the damage can last a lifetime.”

“Look Gus, you know how I feel about you.”

“Yeah, I do.” I took Jeff’s hand and I kissed it from across the table. This was safe territory.

“Then you know that I’m not going to take anyone else to the Valentine’s Dance, but I am going. I hope you’ll change your mind and deal with whatever the fuck is bugging you and making you act like this.”

I almost started crying but I bit my lip and stayed in control. “You know how I feel about you too, but I just don’t think I can go to the dance. I wouldn’t have a good time and I’d make you miserable. Please understand.”

“I’m not sure I understand, but I’ll deal with it for now. What about everything else? We’re supposed to go to the movies on Saturday; do you still want to go?”

“Of course I do. Nothing has changed.”

“Look again, Newbie, you have changed, I just don’t know why.”

We left the diner and spent the rest of the afternoon and evening at Grandma Jen’s. We studied and then we made out…well maybe not in that order. Everything seemed normal, except somehow I knew that there was something wrong and I couldn’t pin it down. All I knew was that it wasn’t Jeff…it was me. I just wondered how long he’d put up with it.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

The night of the dance I didn’t go. I stayed home with my dads.

I missed Jeff and still couldn’t figure out why I was so against going to the dance. After all, Jeff lost his dad and he barely spoke with his mom because he came out, and now I was the one who didn’t want to be out and share our relationship with our school world. What the fuck was wrong with me?

I realized that it hadn’t dawned on me that my dads might have plans of their own on Valentine’s Day. My moms always dismissed me and Jenny to our rooms so they could have a romantic dinner alone, but I just never saw my dads in that way. Besides it was only a month after MJ’s surgery. They couldn’t possibly be thinking about Valentine’s Day.

It was time for my eyes to get opened…wide!

I finished writing another article for the school paper and then came downstairs and joined MJ in the media room. He was sketching again and it was great to see.

“Hey.”

“Hey, what are you drawing?”

“Look for yourself.” It was a picture of Dad in a sleeveless shirt dancing with MJ in a t-shirt. They were in the middle of a street, and from the looks of the background it was Liberty Avenue.

“That’s cool. Is that something that you just thought of or one of those pictures in your memory.”

“It’s interesting you should word it that way, Gus. This is a picture of a special memory. Most of my sketches are memories that I want to keep forever. I never drew this one before, because my hand was still unsteady following the bashing, when this occurred, and I was unable to use a pencil or charcoal for more than a few minutes at a time.”

“What’s it a memory of?”

Justin stopped sketching for a moment and put down the pad and the pencil. “This wasn’t long after I moved in with Brian, following the bashing. It was nearing the end of Pride Weekend that year, and Woody’s was pumping music into the street. They were playing this really romantic song and your dad asked me to dance, despite the fact that he was still a free agent and could have any hot stud he wanted.”

“But weren’t you living together?”

“We were, but your dad wasn’t ready to make a commitment, and I was really too young and still too insecure to have a mature relationship.”

“I thought you were in love from the moment you first met Dad.”

“I was, but love has to mature, develop and grow to become the kind of love that people can build a life on together. We weren’t there yet. But that night, out of all the hunks on Liberty Avenue, your dad asked me to dance. He was beginning to fall in love with me, I knew. I’m pretty sure he knew, but he just couldn’t face it. However, through actions, he showed me every day, all the time. This was one of those times and I’ll never forget how happy I was.”

“I wish the St. James Valentine’s Dance was held on Liberty Avenue, then I would have gone.”

“I was wondering what that was all about. Did you and Jeff have a fight, or did he have to work?”

“No, he’s at the dance and we didn’t have a fight…so to speak.”

“Whoa, Gus, what the fuck is this all about.”

Then Dad strolled into the room with a CD in his hand. He set it aside, and looked at me. “Whoa is right Sonny Boy. Why the fuck are you here with us on Valentine’s Day when you could be with Jeff? I realize Valentine’s Day is a big pile of commercial shit, but it’s not going anywhere, so you might as well enjoy it when you can.”

“Well, I’ve been thinking a lot about MJ and his surgery…”

“I’m doing great, Gus. The doctor said I’m mending perfectly and since I’ve had no adverse side effects from the surgery I can even start driving in a week or so. Besides, your dad will take care of anything I need. You shouldn’t stay home for me.”

“You’re giving me a lot more credit than I’m worth. That wasn’t what I was thinking.”

“So Sonny Boy, what gives…and no bullshit?”

“Well, I was thinking about all the things I’ve heard from everyone in the family, which isn’t a hell of a lot, and all the old newspaper articles I read online about MJ’s bashing at the St. James Prom.”

Dad looked at MJ and they both seemed dumbfounded by what I was saying.

“I just think that Jeff and I would be a lot safer if we kept our relationship obvious in gay friendly environments, like with the family, on Liberty Avenue and in dark theaters when we’re just with our friends.”

MJ stood up and started pacing. He opened and shut his fist a couple of times and then looked at me. “Do you mean that you’d rather closet your relationship than let it grow in a healthy way? Where the fuck did you learn that? Not from me, no fucking way.”

Then MJ started ranting and waving his arms a bit, “I made that fucking mistake once for someone who I thought cared about me, but all he fucking cared about was himself. I nearly lost the most important person in my life because of that whole fiasco and you’re encouraging Jeff to go into a closet with you. Well good for Jeff for going to the dance. At least he’s becoming a proud gay man.”

I just looked at MJ and then to Dad who walked over to MJ and put his arms gently around him and whispered softly, “It’s okay, it’ll be okay. That was a long time ago.”

“I almost lost you and gave up everything valuable to me because of that jackass, and now our own son is building a closet BECAUSE of me.”

Dad guided MJ back to the sofa and helped him to settle down. “Son, there are sick people in the world. Sometimes bigots target people in their own environment and some target them outside their environment. It doesn’t matter where you are. But you can’t lead your life in fear and run from the world and hide.” Then he looked at MJ and I can honestly say I really was trying to keep up with the conversation but I felt kind of lost all around. “See, Justin, this is what I thought the message would be when the Great Northern Exodus took place, and it just gets reinforced by fucking assholes in history.”

“What the fuck are you both talking about?”

MJ looked directly at me. “Gus, do you remember when I told you that your dad and I had to let our relationship grow and mature to reach a point where we could really admit that we loved each other?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, after I was bashed I became pretty insecure. I stopped seeing all the ways your dad said I love you with his actions…and believe me there were millions of them. I just couldn’t hear him through all the foolish noise in my head. All I could hear were the pretty words that some romantic musician kept whispering in my ear. I actually left your father for a bunch of empty words.”

“Sunshine,” Dad sat down next to MJ and held his hands, “I made it easy for you to leave. You’re right, I wasn’t ready to have a mature relationship and I practically opened the door and packed your suitcase…God, I hated that fucking duffle bag.”

MJ wiped a tear that strayed down his cheek; he kissed Dad and then turned back to me. “This asshole musician said everything your father couldn’t at that time…but what’s worse, he also was asked by his agent, to stay in the closet to protect his fucking career. So he pushed me into the closet with him, and whenever we were seen together, he pretended I was his cousin Daphne’s boyfriend.”

“I thought Daphne was YOUR friend.”

“That’s right. That asshole had no compunction about lying. In fact he was so good at it that he even lied to me when he fucked some fan of his and wouldn’t admit to it even after I saw him go off with the guy.”

“What the fuck? MJ, that totally sucks.”

“It does, but it opened my eyes. I realized what was really important.”

“Dad.”

“Yes, your dad AND my pride in who I was and who I wanted to be. No one would ever steal that from me again. I also knew that no matter what, the only way I would be happy would be with your dad. I was just lucky he took me back.”

“My own little stalker.”

“I prefer the ubiquitous Justin Taylor, if you don’t mind.”

Those two can be so weird sometimes. “Dad, did you mind being out wherever you were?”

“You know Gus, I always had a policy…if I wasn’t f…”

“Brian!”

“Excuse me…if I wasn’t going out with you, it was none of your fucking business. But I would NEVER deny being gay.”

“I’m such an asshole.”

“Not an asshole, Gus, but young and overly concerned with how others will react to you…and maybe a little scared because of my recent surgery. I’m sorry about that. But if you learn one thing from your dad and me, know that the only way to be the best man you can possibly be includes being yourself and being proud of who you are.”

I gave MJ a huge hug and then glanced over at the clock. It read 8:30 PM. I noticed Dad looking at me. “How long does the agony of this dance go on?”

“Until 11:30.”

“And…”

“Let me run up and change, I’ll be down in 10 minutes.”

“See, Sunshine, he primps just like you – throw it on and go.”

MJ laughed and hit Dad gently on the arm. I left them kissing on the sofa.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

On the way to the dance, Dad called Grandma Jen and asked her if she’d mind bringing Jeff and me back to Britin after the dance. She told him that she and Tucker were going out to dinner but would be home in plenty of time to pick us up and since it was a nice night they’d enjoy the ride together.

When I walked into the dance I felt a little overwhelmed. The gym looked totally decked out in hearts and cupids. I think it would have made Uncle Emmett gag, and that’s saying a lot.

I stood near the entrance and finally spotted Jeff. He was hanging out, talking with Matt and his girlfriend. The rest of our friends must have been on the dance floor, but I didn’t give a shit about them. There was only one target in my viewfinder.

I walked directly towards them and then I saw Matt tap Jeff’s shoulder and point in my direction. Jeff turned to me and I briefly froze. I hoped he wouldn’t be mad, but then I saw his face begin to brighten with this amazing smile. He looked so hot in his tight black jeans and a really dark purple shirt that was fitted and hugged in all the right places.

“Hey, Newbie.”

“Hey.”

“What brings you out to this risky event?” I could hear a little touch of sarcasm coupled with snark, but I definitely deserved it.

“I thought it was time to let everything out. A person can’t grow and mature in a closet.”

“I see.” He looked at me and then looked at the dance floor.

I nodded my head and he put out his hand. I looked around but placed my hand in his. It felt right there. We walked onto the dance floor as the music changed to some old slow song from decades ago.

At first I hesitated, but no one seemed to give a shit that we were dancing together…except Matt who gave us a thumbs up and then pulled his girlfriend near us on the dance floor to join in the slow dance.

Let me see if I can remember what it was about. It was about someone asking their lover, Chiquitita why she was so sad and quiet and trying to help her see the Sun again. I found out later that it was by some group from the 1970’s called Abba. I decided to find that song online since it’s the first one Jeff and I ever danced to. I guess that makes it our song or something. It was a pretty song, although kind of corny.

The rest of the dance went by like a flash. It was the best night of my life. Dancing in front of everyone, in Jeff’s arms, was heaven. (God, I sound like my moms!)

When we all went outside to wait for our rides, I saw Grandma Jen and Tucker pull up. Grandma is so cool. She packed an overnight bag for Jeff. “Jeff, I don’t want to force you, but if you’d like to stay at Britin I thought I’d come prepared.”

“Cool, thanks, Ms. Taylor.”

“Are you ever going to call me Jen?”

“It’s hard, but I’ll work on it.”

“Well, what about “Grandmother Taylor”?

“That might work.”

Tucker and I both started laughing at that one.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
 

When we got to Britin, Jeff and I thanked them for the ride and unlocked the front door to the house. We walked in quietly because it seemed pretty dark, so I thought my dads were asleep and I didn’t want to wake them.

I noticed a little light coming from the media room and peeked inside.

“Brian, that was a great dinner.”

“I finally found a good sushi restaurant nearby. You know they say sushi is a pretty sexy food.”

“Especially when we feed it to each other.” They both laughed at that. “What was that CD you brought in earlier?”

“Oh shit, I almost forgot. You know I think Valentine’s Day is bullshit.”

“I know, and I understand why. Besides, you really do show me you love me all the time.”

“I’m glad you think so, Sunshine, but I also know that you sometimes like the ridiculously romantic shit so I found this. It’s one moment we’ll both always remember together.”

Dad popped the CD into the stereo and I was shocked to hear that same song that Jeff and I first danced to when I had arrived at the dance.

MJ looked at Dad with a look I can only describe as, well, what love would look like if it needed a picture attached as an illustration, “You remembered?”

“I told you, you’d always remember this one, well so did I.”

“I knew you loved me.”

“I tried to show you.”

“I’m listening the right way now and I’ll never stop.”

Then Dad and MJ started dancing and the funny thing was that it looked a lot like that picture that MJ was sketching earlier.

I closed the door, backed away quietly and turned to Jeff.

“My dads are so fucking lucky.” Then I placed my hand behind Jeff’s head and drew him in for a long, slow kiss. “And so am I…and I’m proud to say it out loud anywhere you’d like.”

“Let’s start upstairs.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

It was an amazing dance and an amazing night. I can’t wait until the Junior Prom. It’s great dating a junior. Besides, we dance a lot better than our straight friends. They looked like goons on the dance floor.

 

Return to The Gus Diaries