The Gus Diaries

Part 138

Prom Season IV
 

Staring at the package holding my graduation cap and gown, I kept hoping the doorbell would ring. I picked up the box with my garments in it, knowing that graduation was two days after the prom. Jeff had called on the phone a few times since we had our talk but he hadn’t fully made up his mind as to which way he wanted our relationship to go after my release from the hospital.

I had begun to get the feeling I had destroyed everything. My dads were trying to be subtle, but it was obvious they were watching me like hawks. It was unnerving, but I couldn’t stop them; I had lost their trust. I’d really fucked up and now the whole family was worried. Mom and Mem called to check in with me every day and Jenny laid into me. Her visit on the day I came home from the hospital was a real eye-opener.

Mem and Marie brought Jenny to the house that afternoon. I had been studying in the living room, making sure I was caught up on all my classes so I wouldn’t screw up my final exams.

Despite her pint-sized body, Jenny’s still a force to be reckoned with. Grabbing me by the arm, she dragged me up the stairs to my bedroom and closed the door.

“Are you out of your fucking mind?” She paced back and forth waving her arms while I sat on the edge of my bed. It was like watching Mem when she and Mom were having their worst arguments.

“I assume that’s a rhetorical question.” I tried to lighten the mood but failed miserably.

“Don’t be cute with me! You’re too tall, and obviously too stupid, to be cute.”

“Okay, you’re right. I was really stupid.”

“Glad to know you can admit the obvious.” Jenny took a deep breath and sat next to me. “You’re my only brother and I thought I’d lost you.”

Squeezing her hand, I wrapped an arm around her shoulder, pulling her close. I heard Jenny’s breath hitch as she rested her head on my shoulder. “I’m okay. I won’t do anything like that again. I promise.”

“You’d better be telling me the truth, Gus. I was fucking freaking out when I heard what you had been doing. Marie’s kids and Daddy tried to keep me calm, but I was totally flipping out.” She squeezed my hand tighter. “I knew Daddy was trying to empathize since he knows what it’s like to fear you might lose the person you love most.”

Lifting her head off my shoulder, my eyes widened. “Uncle Ben’s alright, isn’t he?”

“He’s fine. But the last time he got sick I could tell Daddy thought it would be the end.”

“Uncle Ben won’t leave Uncle Michael, you, or Hunter. He’s too determined.”

“So is AIDS.”

“He’ll be the exception. I bet he’ll live another fifty years.”

“And what about you?” Jenny’s eyes brimmed with unshed tears and I felt the worst pang of guilt.

“I will never again do anything to my body that might negatively affect me. Never again!”

“If you do, I’ll cut off your goddamn balls!”

“I see you’ve been working on fine-tuning your trash mouth.”

“It’s genetic, on both sides of my family.” Jenny huffed.

“Yeah, it is.” I hugged my little sister, hoping she felt my promise when I kissed her forehead.

A knock on the bedroom door interrupted our quiet moment.

“Can we come in?”

“Sure, Uncle Justin. I’m done reaming out my stupid brother.” Jenny offered a half smile, gave me a quick peck on the cheek, stood up and left the room.

Dad and Pop walked in. I wasn’t sure if any of us knew what to say. Since I’d been home they hadn’t confronted me, yelled at me, or done anything. It was almost eerie.

Pop sat next to me on the bed, while Dad hung back, closing the door once again, and leaning against it.

“Gus, we love you; that will never change.” Pop always knows how to start important talks. “However, what you did scared the shit out of us.”

“I know. I’m really sorry.”

“Sometimes sorry isn’t enough. We know you’ll be missing your prom, and that’s pretty huge, but we want to be sure you truly understand the pain and fear you caused us and the rest of the family.”

“I do understand, Pop. I’ll never do anything stupid like that again.”

Dad brushed his hand through his hair and turned away. I wished he would say something.

“I’m glad you know your actions were beyond the normal teen or young adult playing foolishly with drugs or alcohol. This was out of hand. You were using drugs to succeed in life; I hope you see the irony in that philosophy.”

Having Pop spell it out like that made me feel more idiotic than I already felt, especially since he was absolutely right. “I was a jerk and made the worst judgment call ever.”

“That definitely sums it up.” Pop ghosted his hand over mine. “Normally we would have found a way to make you face the consequences of your actions, but in this case you’ve orchestrated the punishment yourself. You’ll be allowed to return to school in a couple of days, to finish out the year. Your prom is history, and you have to take a brief leave of absence from both of your jobs until July. Recovery is important, and the boredom will send a strong message of what really happens when you try to play roulette with your body.”

I lowered my head and nodded. Instead of a string of articles and a series of parties to celebrate the end of high school, I’d be getting more and more familiar with the walls of Britin.

Dad kept staring at me. He remained quiet as this horrible look of intense pain crossed his face. I could tell Pop noticed it too. He squeezed my knee encouraging me to stay put, as I started to rise to approach Dad.

Sliding downward against the door, Dad banged his head against it. Pop immediately vaulted off the bed and kneeled at his side.

“I should have known sooner. I nearly let my son die before my eyes. I should have spotted the signs.”

“You did, Brian. You saw it before all of us.”

“Not fucking soon enough. He collapsed before I got him to a doctor.”

“Brian, you’re the most amazing father. You called him on the drug use.”

“Not in time.”

“Yes, in time. He’s right here and that’s because you made a point of confronting Gus as soon as you realized what was happening. This isn’t your fault; it’s Gus’s.”

“I’m his father.”

“And so am I. And we still have our son with us, thanks to your quick thinking.”

“I failed him.” Dad banged his head against the door again.

“Stop that, Brian.” Pop wrapped his arms around Dad. Dad allowed himself to fall into the embrace, resting his head against Pop’s chest. “Don’t beat yourself up for the foolish mistake someone else made.”

Warm tears started streaming down my cheeks for the first time since all this happened. “I’m so sorry Dad, Pop. I completely fucked up. It’s all my fault and I’ll never do anything like that again. I promise both of you and I’d never break a promise to you.”

Without saying another word, Pop somehow guided Dad to stand and the two left the room. A few seconds later I heard their bedroom door open and close. I had destroyed my Dad’s faith in himself as a father. I wished they’d given me a bigger punishment. I deserved it. If I never did anything else, I would make sure I regained my Dad’s trust and respect.
 

*~*~*
 

Little by little, the family was getting more comfortable letting me move forward and put this all behind me. The only one who still hadn’t truly convinced me we could get past it was Jeff.

He had been so angry in the hospital. Despite his ability to keep his temper in check, I could hear the depth of his anger, pain, and disappointment in his words.

“I thought you valued your life, any life, more than that.” He paced the length of the hospital room. “When my parents turned their back on me, especially my father, you became the most important person in my world. How could you risk our future together for a few good grades and some power news reporting?”

“It was a moronic, self-centered choice; it didn’t have anything to do with you.”

“That’s exactly right. You left me out of a life altering decision when we’re supposed to be partners. You nearly killed yourself for high achievement without thinking how this would impact the people who,” his voice hitched, “who love you the most.”

“Jeff.”

“If you can be this irresponsible with yourself and the people who are closest to you--” His voice trailed off, but I shuddered, fearing the possible end to the sentence.

He had left the hospital after that and I hadn’t seen him since.

My door was ajar as I was studying, my usual afternoon activity now that I had returned to school. There was only one final left between me and graduation.

The door creaked as it slowly opened. “Hey, Newbie.”

“Newbie?”

Jeff nodded as he walked in, closing the door behind him. “Your Pop told me I’d find you in here.”

Nodding, I remained silent, wondering if this was the end.

“I didn’t want to come back.”

“I had a feeling.”

“There’s only one reason I’m here.”

Biting my lip, I looked toward the floor.

“Look at me, Gus.”

Taking a deep breath to remain strong, I looked directly into Jeff’s eyes.

“I was angry with you. There were a few days I thought that even if you woke up completely, you would have been brain damaged or something worse.”

I wanted to reach out to Jeff, but I remained seated at my desk.

“Talking to Tucker helped.” Jeff took a few steps closer. “He asked me how I’d feel about moving forward without you, knowing you were here and I’d let you go.” He was now standing right in front of me.

“And what did you say?”

“I told him you had become a part of me and I couldn’t imagine life without you. I know it sounds romantic and corny, but you really are my other half.” Jeff blew out a breath of air. “If you still want to be partners I could use my other half back. I’ve felt pretty damn empty the past week and a half.”

“I really fucked up. I may do stupid things in the future, but nothing like this.”

“I may do stupid things too, but I get the feeling that one of the right things I’ll always do is remain in love with you.”

“Jeff.” This time I didn’t say his name with fear, but relief. “I’ll never stop loving you. I can’t imagine a world without us together.”

I stood from the chair and we embraced tighter than I thought was possible. Without letting go, Jeff and I somehow made it to my bed. He held me close, never ceasing to tell me how much he loved me and wanted me as we slowly undressed one another. It felt like the first time.

With Jeff inside me again, I felt complete. I had robbed us of our moment on the dance floor, but thanks to a little time and healing, I hadn’t lost the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I may be young, but somehow I know.

Moaning into our kisses, I went over the edge, soon feeling Jeff join me as he filled the condom. We would get past this. I hadn’t ruined everything.

Lying in bed, holding one another close, Jeff couldn’t stop kissing me. Soon we both fell into a peaceful sleep.

Glancing at the clock as I opened my eyes, I realized we had napped for over an hour. I looked up to see Jeff smiling at me.

“I was focusing on the wrong achievements. Loving you, my dads, and the rest of our family and friends is far more important than grades and articles in the local paper.”

Jeff’s response was the warmest, deepest, most amazing kiss ever. His lips pressed against mine were pure bliss.

My cap and gown sat on the other side of my room, a gentle reminder of all that was waiting for me and my partner, as we moved through life together. I love the word partner. It’s beautiful.

I never had the opportunity to tell my fathers about the article I’d written for the local newspaper. The incredible thing was, on the day it was published -- the same day as my graduation -- the newspaper was opened to that page, and waiting for me at the breakfast table. A stack of twenty other papers sat on the edge of the kitchen island. I’m lucky to have so many people love me, and I sure as hell won’t take their love for granted, or relegate it to second place, again.

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