The Gus Diaries

Part 13

Fathers and Sons

The past couple of weeks have been a really busy and kind of fun. The Sunday after Thanksgiving Dad, MJ, Tucker and I all helped Jeff get settled into Grandma Jen’s house. It turns out that he has the same room that would have been MJ’s if he’d ever decided to live their.

Jeff’s been flying high on his new and un-closeted home life. He can talk about what he wants, including about how he feels about some of the guys on the team (who are straight so I don’t feel threatened) and how hot they are and hang pictures of whatever guys he likes to look at.

Meanwhile Grandma Jen has stayed in contact with Mrs. Martin. She’s obviously not ready to sit down and talk to Jeff yet, other than to ask if he’s feeling well and how his grades are, but at least they have some communication. It’s a start.

After school Jeff and I either see each other at basketball practice or some days we walk home to Grandma Jen’s together. It’s cool to be able to go to his house and know it’s also, kind of mine as well. A couple of days a week we each go our own way but that keeps us from getting bored with each other. I’ve made some cool friends at the school paper and we go out for a soda and fries each week when we put the paper to bed.

On weekends there’s usually a game and then afterwards Jeff comes to stay at Britin for the weekend. The only sad part is that Mr. Martin doesn’t come to the games any more. He used to be one of the loudest in the cheering section and his absence is definitely noticed.

Some of the guys asked about what happened and Jeff gives them the short version, “He’s a homophobe. I’m tired of living a closeted life in my own home so I found a better place and better people.” End of story. I’m careful to never add anything. This is Jeff’s story to tell. It’s a good thing I keep a diary or I’d explode. I think I have a little bit of Grandma Deb in me…and maybe Uncle Em, too. I guess there really is something to that whole nurture thing, since I’m not related to either of them by blood.

There’s only one thing that seems to be kind of strange lately, and that’s MJ. He’s been seemingly kind of distant but I just can’t put my finger on why. I’ve tried to get answers but that’s next to impossible.

Last night I walked into the media room and found Dad and MJ watching the original Star Wars trilogy. Dad always says, “The new ones are for shit and were produced to sell shit. The first three are classics and can be watched repeatedly.” I just roll my eyes and join in. The light saber battles are really fun and Harrison Ford is totally HOT!

“Dad, I’ll be hanging out with Jeff tomorrow after school. Can you or MJ pick me up at Grandma Jen’s on your way home?”

“Sounds like a plan. Justin, how about we meet at Kinnetik and head to the diner for dinner? Then we can pick up Gus on the way home.”

“Okay.” And that was it. No comments, no funny lines, no supportive statements…just, “Okay.” Something is wrong with MJ and I intend to get to the bottom of it—even if I have to sneak around to get some answers.

This morning MJ left early to get a head-start on his studio work and to talk to Sidney Bloom about giving Mom a job when they move back at the end of the year. He seemed fine and he and Dad kissed, like always, and he kissed and hugged me as he left.

Then I immediately went into action, “Dad, what the fuck is going on?”

“Sonny Boy, such language. Your mothers would choke.”

“Mem has the trashiest mouth in this continent, including you.” Dad smirked at that but before he could respond I continued, “I repeat, what the fuck is wrong with MJ? He’s not sick is he? Oh my God, you’re not sick, are you?” I suddenly began to panic and wondered if I’d missed any signs with all the time I was at school, with friends or with Jeff.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, put the brakes on. I’m fine and so is Justin. He’s just been feeling a bit sensitive lately and I’ve been trying to show how evolved I am by taking the role of supportive and unquestioning husband.”

“Dad, you DO know why he’s feeling ‘sensitive’, don’t you?”

“Of course, I know. We don’t keep secrets. That’s how we’ve actually been able to survive together all these years – well that, and the amazing sex.”

“TMI Dad. So tell me what’s going on. Maybe I can help?”

“Well, I’m not sure whether you can help, but even more important, this is Justin’s story to tell. If you have questions for him then ask him, not me.”

With that it was obvious that my flow of information was cut off. Now I actually had to go to the source. I was feeling kind of anxious about this, since I’d never really seen Justin this blah. It was weird. He’s usually upbeat and looks on the positive side of things. Approaching him would be tough. My Dad is a pushover, but MJ is another story.

After a great night with Grandma Jen, Tucker and especially Jeff (have I mentioned lately what a great kisser he is), Dad and MJ picked me up to go home.

“How was your evening, Gus?” Okay, maybe MJ was feeling better.

“It was great. After Jeff and I did our homework, Grandma Jen made this great dinner and then Tucker decided to teach us the fine art of poker. He obviously didn’t realize that Grandpa Carl had been a great tutor in that subject since I was like seven years old. It was so cool. I wiped the floor with both of them and then Jeff gave me a big kiss as the big winner.”

Then MJ just turned off his smile again, “Sounds nice.” I noticed that Dad took MJ’s hand at this point and held it tightly. They held hands almost the entire way home. Something was bothering MJ and I think it had to do with me!

 

*~*~*~*~*
 

After sitting in my room for a little while I decided to creep downstairs. Dad and MJ were back in the media room only this time, while there was something on TV in the background they were talking.

“Justin, you need to snap out of this. It’s affecting Gus, now.”

“What are you talking about? I would never do anything to hurt Gus.”

“Not on purpose, but this reaction you’re having is out of proportion.”

“So, I shouldn’t think about it? That philosophy has always worked in the past.” I think Justin was being sort of sarcastic, but I just didn’t get it.

“Low blow, Sunshine.”

“Look Brian, I know you’re right and I’m having a stupid irrational reaction but…”

“But, you wish it was you. You wish you could turn back the clock and somehow have an unquestioning, tolerant family. Let’s face it, Justin, if you turn back the clock all that tolerance will disappear with the time.”

“I feel cheated. Jeff is leading the life I was supposed to get. He’s got my mother and her partner caring for him. He’s living in the room that was meant for me and he’s got the loving atmosphere with my mom that I never had, and still crave.”

“I see.”

“Brian, you know this has nothing to do with the way I feel about you or the way you feel about me.”

“Okay.”

“It’s true. I love you unconditionally and I will for the rest of my life. But just once, I wish that when I was 18 or 19 my father had wanted to help me. Just once, I wish my mother had said that nothing is more important than having me in a safe and accepting home…and that it would be hers. Just once I wanted to tell my father something, ANYTHING, that would force him to say, ‘I’m proud of you, son’. Instead, the last time I saw my father was the day he had me arrested.”

As I peaked into the room I could see that Dad got up and seemed to wrap his entire body around MJ.

“I feel like ever since Jeff came into Gus’ life, I’ve been forced to remember that I still have a father who is alive and well, and doesn’t want a fucking thing to do with me. You’d think after all these years I’d get passed this. But no, Justin Taylor, drama queen extraordinaire, can’t let sleeping homophobes lie.”

“Justin Taylor, drama queen, can be as pissed off as he fucking wants. You earned that right. I never really knew what love was until you and Gus came along. Losing my father was much easier than it should have been, and losing my mother was even easier.”

“I don’t want to hurt you or Gus. In my wildest dreams, I never thought that I would get the chance to be a parent. Thanks to Gus’ open-minded attitude I’m sort of someone’s father. I don’t want to fuck it up.”

“Are you kidding? You’ve taught me so much about how to love my son. I had no fucking examples. The closest I ever got to a father figure, and he was more of a mentor, was Vic. You’re the one with all the paternal instincts in this family. Hell, you’re probably more of a father to Gus than I am.”

“Don’t ever say that. You are, and always will be, the best father in the world. Gus couldn’t have anyone better. After all, you took over the role of father when I got kicked out at seventeen. If it wasn’t for you I’d be a sad, unfulfilled businessman.”

“I doubt that Sunshine.”

“I don’t.”

“So how are you going to cope with Jeff?”

“I guess this is just the honeymoon period. Wait until my mom has to ground him, just once. Then I won’t be so jealous any more.” Justin finally half-smiled.

“Let’s face it Justin, you and I both had abusive fathers, each in his own way. We’re lucky we survived to get to this place where we can both be happy with who we are, what we care about and who we love.”

“Wow, that’s saying something, coming from you. You’re right, somewhere along the line we learned to overcome their lousy influence.”

“We sure as shit did, Sunshine. I just hope our kid appreciates it.” I couldn’t stay quiet anymore. Now that I knew what was going on, I had to make myself known.

“I really do appreciate it.” I stood there at the entrance to the room. “I’m sorry I was listening in, but I’ve been really worried about you MJ. You and Dad are everything to me. I can’t imagine a life without you taking care of me and loving me.

“Sometimes I like to think I’m all grown up, but I know better. Both of you are the best fathers in the world, I thought you knew that.”

They both looked at me like I was speaking another language…one that they didn’t understand.

“Don’t you get it? No matter where my life leads or who I’m with, my two fathers will always be there, guiding the way.” For some reason after I said that Dad and MJ stared at each other as if they were sending each other some sort of special message.

“Sonny Boy, no matter where you go or who you’re with, Justin and I will always be there. We know how that works and we’ll always be there to support you.”

“I’m sorry I’ve been such a shit, Gus. It’s rough seeing Jeff leading the life I should have had and living in the room that should have been mine 14 years ago.” Then MJ laughed and looked at Dad, “Fuck, now I sound like Michael.” Now he really lost me.

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about MJ, but I do know that you are tied for best father in the world, and that’s not just a line. I always feel safe and protected when I’m with you or Dad.”

“That says a lot, since you’re about four inches taller than me.” I walked over to MJ and hugged him.

“MJ, can I ask you something?”

“Sure, Gus, shoot.”

I hoped that I wasn’t going to be in trouble for this. “What happened with your Dad? I’ve heard little bits and pieces, but never everything all together. Did he hit you or beat you up?”

“He did slap me across the face once but that was the least of it. He turned his back on me more than once when I really needed him, all because I was gay.

“He made me learn the hard way not to count on others for help and it took your father to teach me that sometimes a man needs to ask for help.” At this point Dad walked over to MJ and they sat next to each other on the sofa. Dad started stroking his hand through MJ’s hair. It was almost like that one touch made MJ look, I don’t know, softer, more relaxed.

“Gus,” Dad took over, “My father and I never got along or really knew each other. He didn’t even know I was gay until shortly before he died. But MJ had what he thought was a great relationship with his father and was then cut off the moment he came out.”

I looked at them both, “I’m not sure which would be worse.”

I hugged both my dads. I wasn’t sure if it was more for love or gratitude or maybe a little bit of both, but I just wanted them to know that I really did appreciate them and how they were always there for me, no matter what. Then I remembered something Jeff once said. Normally I don’t talk much about our private conversations but I thought this would help MJ, at least a little.

“You know, Jeff once told me I was really lucky and shouldn’t fuck it up. I asked him what he meant and he said that I had the best dads in the world. I remember laughing because it was right after you grounded me when I handed in an assignment late. He told me not to sweat the small shit because he wished he could have two people in his life that really cared more about him than themselves.

“I was still mad about being grounded, but it gave me another clue about his parents. MJ, I know you sometimes think that you’re not as much my father as Dad, but that’s bullshit. I couldn’t feel closer to you if we did have the same DNA. It’s too bad your father didn’t appreciate what a great person you are, he would have been really proud.

“I know it’s not the same, but I’m really proud that you’re my father.” Then I left the room.

MJ called after me in a choked voice, “It’s better.”

As I began to walk down the hall I heard MJ say, “I’m a father.”

“You’ve been one for a long time, Sunshine.” Then it was quiet for a minute. I’m pretty sure I knew what they were doing at that point.

“Hey Sunshine, you want to celebrate becoming a dad.” I could almost see the smirk on Dad’s face.

“How?”

“Come right this way and I’ll show you…and I promise it won’t include giving you a Havana special.” They can be so cheesy when they’re ready to have sex.

Next thing I know they quickly walked passed me on their way upstairs. Dad turned to me, “Better close your door, Sonny Boy, unless you want an ear-full.” Gross!

But I just laughed and shook my head. Parents can be so weird.

Then it dawned on me, I not only solved the mystery but I resolved it too. Maybe instead of being an actor or a basketball star or a journalist, I should be a shrink or a talk show host. I wonder which one makes the most money?

 

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