The Gus Diaries

Part 126

Feeling Raw III


 

Pop sat next to me on the dock that overlooked the lake behind Britin. He seemed calm, although compared to me anyone would have seemed calm.

“Pop, are you going to try to tell me some story with the hopes of making me feel better?” I couldn’t let go of my sarcastic tone of voice. I couldn’t imagine anything that would help at this point. I was angry at Dad for ranting and raving, and I was even angrier at Jeff for not backing me up. How could he not fight for us to lose the damn condoms? We’re monogamous. All I kept thinking was about him clearly wanting to keep his options open, but if I was honest with myself, I knew that wasn’t how Jeff really felt.

“You know, Gus, I’m not sure whether this little story will help you feel better.” Pop sat with his knees bent and his arms wrapped around them. He stared off, seeming to look beyond the lake.

“So why bother? Just go back to the house. I’ll be fine.” I wasn’t being particularly warm or welcoming.

“I could go back and let your father and Jeff know I found you pouting by the lake. I could even tell Jeff to have a good trip back to CMU and watch him leave feeling hopeless and sad. But then I wouldn’t be honest about how much sharing your intention to stop using condoms touched my heart, along with the memories it brought back.” I may have been mistaken, but it looked like Pop bit his lip as he closed his eyes.

“Tell me the story, Pop.”

He nodded and then did something he hadn’t done in a long time, he held my hand like he used to do when I was sad and needed to feel him near. At first I tried to pull away, but somehow it felt good to have him taking care of me, like he’d done so many times when I was little and spent summers with him and Dad while still living in Canada with my moms.

“Once upon a time--”

“Pop, I’m not a child.”

“No, you’re not. I told you this was a story, and this is how it needs to be told.”

“Once upon a time stories always end with a moral.”

“Let’s see if this one does too.”

“Okay. Once upon a time...”

Pop smiled, continuing his tale. “There was an adorable blond twink.”

I chuckled.

“Shhh, I’m telling the story the way I remember it.”

“Sure, Pop.” I rolled my eyes, still listening attentively.

“This twink had snagged the hottest stud of a lifetime. The twink’s dream had been to live happily ever after with the stud and after a year of strategically working his way into the stud’s life, he was asked to move in with him. As far as the Twink could tell, the couple were going to begin to live their dream.”

“Why do I get the feeling their dream turned into a nightmare?”

“Not really, Gus. Not a nightmare. But the twink was still very young -- your age. He was full of life and thought he had it all. The trouble is, when you’re young and think you have it all there always seems there’s more to attain to make the dream come true.”

I wasn’t sure where the story was going, but I could certainly understand the twink’s desire for more.

“In this case, the twink had agreed to an open relationship with his stud based on the understanding they would always come home to each other. It worked beautifully. In fact it worked so well that one afternoon when the twink and stud were enjoying each other’s company the young blond asked for the moon to add to his happiness.”

“Huh?”

“In this case, the ultimate gift would be to feel his lover inside him completely, with no barriers.”

I nodded, remaining silent. I could relate to the twink’s request.

“The stud was appalled. They were in an open relationship and therefore always used condoms. He had no idea why the twink would even make such a foolhardy suggestion. But the twink felt that if they were only barrier-free with each other, then it would be okay. In fact, it would make their relationship that much more special and set it apart from all the other random, anonymous tricks.”

While I understood exactly why the twink wanted that, I also knew it would have been a huge mistake.

“Fortunately, the stud was far more experienced and insisted they never address that idea again. He declared his love for the twink in a different way by expressing his desire to keep him safe for a long time to come. It was one of the most intimate and romantic things the stud had ever said to the twink.

“The problem is, when you’re eighteen, you sometimes don’t see and hear what’s right in front of you.” Pop closed his eyes and continued. “Over and over again, the stud would tell the twink he loved him through his actions. The stud never came home late and reserved all his kisses for his twink. Anyone looking in from the outside would have had no problem seeing the stud’s devotion to the twink. It’s too bad the twink couldn’t see the truth in his partner’s expressions of love.”

“So the twink went off with...”

“So the twink made one last ditch effort to find the perfect relationship elsewhere, not giving the stud a chance to ask him to stay in his own way.”

I was pretty sure I knew what was coming, but I let Pop continue.

“The twink made some ridiculous choices, thinking the stud didn’t care enough about him to fight for him and make their commitment more evident. If he had only given his stud a chance, and time, he would have learned to demonstrate his innermost feelings for the twink.” Pop paused, sighing as he opened his eyes. There was a sad, faraway look in his expression. “The funny thing was, even though the twink stepped away from their relationship, the stud still did everything he could to show his love, whether intentional or not, because love can’t be turned on and off like a light switch. It didn’t take too long for the twink to realize how deeply his stud still loved him, even though he wasn’t ready to make promises of monogamy yet.”

“So what did the twink do?”

“The twink went back to his partner, on the stud’s terms, determined to be patient. Even though he was less than a year older, he now realized that everyone matures at their own rate and it takes some people longer than others.”

“How did that patience thing work for the twink?”

“It gave the twink time to grow and discover his own life’s path. It turned out that by forcing the twink to remain open-minded, the stud encouraged him to become an independent and proud man. Soon after, their relationship became far more secure and mature. Eventually it was the stud who brought up losing all barriers to their love. When both of them were ready to take that step, it was a leap they made together. There were no longer outside distractions for either of them and they could have their happily ever after. They had truly earned it by working as both individuals and as a couple.”

“Any regrets, Pop?”

“Not a one from this twink.”

“What about Dad? Do you think he has any regrets?”

“He’s always had a self-proclaimed philosophy of no apologies, no regrets, but I wonder sometimes if that’s true.”

“Thank you for my story.”

“Did it help?”

“I’m not sure, but it didn’t hurt.”

“That’s a start.”

I rested my head on Pop’s shoulder. “Can we sit here for a little while longer? I know it’s kind of cold, but--”

“Anything for you, son.”

 

*~*~*~*~*
 

When Pop and I finally returned to Britin, we entered through the sliding doors into the kitchen. Dad and Jeff were no longer there but we heard them in the front living room.

Pop started walking toward the room, but I grabbed his arm to slow him down and put my finger over my lips, hoping he’d remain silent. He nodded his agreement.

“I know you don’t believe in regrets or anything like that, but I should’ve stood by Gus -- backed him up. Damn! I really love him and now he probably doesn’t even want to speak to me.”

“Jeffrey, I may not believe in regrets, but it doesn’t mean I don’t have one or two hidden in my closet.”

“You! What do you have to regret? You have a great husband, a great house, and a great kid.”

I smiled listening to Jeff’s version of my Dad’s life and hearing how much I meant to him in the process.

“I do have all of that... now. But there was one time I threw it all away by refusing to say one little word.”

“Gus told me you used to hate to use the "L" word. It’s sometimes tough for me too, but I try to make sure Gus knows how I feel. At least until today.”

Dad snorted. “You think the word love is what I’m talking about? Sure, I had a hang-up about using the term until I realized just how important it is for the person I love to hear it. But that wasn’t the word I was talking about.”

“It’s not?”

“Jeff, I had a chance to avoid losing Justin at one point and fucked it up because I wasn’t man enough to tell him I wanted him to stay. I wanted and needed him in my life and I practically threw him away because I didn’t have the courage to ask for what I wanted more than anything.”

“And that was?”

“For him to stay with me, fight out our differences, and never leave my bed and the home we were beginning to build.”

“Is that really all it would have taken to keep Justin around when you two were having problems?”

At that point Pop walked into the room, making our presence known. “Yes, that’s all it would have taken, but I didn’t make it easy for Brian. I let him cave to his inner pressure and doubts. He was having a war with himself, as was I, and we both lost. The saddest part is that an outside evil is what truly tore us apart.”

Jeff’s eyes widened. He clearly understood the meaning of Pop’s words better than I did. “The attack.”

Pop turned to Jeff and nodded. “There was too much healing yet to be done and neither of us dealt with anything well for a couple of years. Lots of ups and downs invaded our home, but eventually we found our way to becoming whole again.”

“I guess we’re pretty lucky not to have any of that to deal with.” I looked at Jeff hoping he could hear what I was saying between the words.

“Gus?”

“Yes?”

“Stay.” Jeff rolled his lips inward. “I know you don’t agree, but we’re still young and have plenty of time for new things later. It’ll make our future that much more exciting. Please don’t trash us because I’m not ready for this -- because I think we’re not ready.”

For a brief moment, an image of Jeff and I hauling boxes into our own place flashed across my mind. It was accompanied by a glimpse of our first night together, condom-free.

I quickly crossed the short distance between us, wrapping my arms around Jeff, and crashing my lips against his. This kisses grew hungry and when his tongue pressed against my lips, I welcomed him inside, something I hoped to do for many, many, many years to come.

When we finally finished kissing I brushed my hand over Jeff’s hair and looked into his eyes.

“Uhm, Newbie, I think we’re alone.”

I turned around, still in Jeff’s embrace, to find my dads had left the room. “I need to thank them.”

“Did your Pop help?”

“He always does. I guess Dad helped you too.”

Jeff chuckled. “He always does.”

We started to walk out of the room to find them, when I spotted a note sitting on the coffee table. I guess Jeff and I had been in our own little world for several minutes and hadn’t noticed anything, or anyone, else.

“Hey, Newbie, what’s it say?”

I glanced at it silently first and then smiled as I began to read out loud. Jeff, Have a great trip back to school. You and Gus can arrange your next visit without us. From the looks of things, it won’t be long. Justin and I will be upstairs. DO NOT come up to say good-bye. We’ll be very busy. Yours truly, B. P.S. Guess you’ll be “staying” in the family after all. Don’t fuck it up.

“Give it to me.” Jeff held out his hand for the note.

“Why? I was just going to throw it away.”

“Are you kidding? This is my first letter from my father-in-law-to-be.”

“I love you, Jeff.” I clung to him, knowing he had to leave to head back to school, but also aware we’d faced our toughest hurdle yet and come through it to reach the other side. “I’ll visit next weekend. I don’t have a game until Sunday evening.”

“Sounds great.” He grabbed his backpack from the front hall. “Oh, and Gus?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you, too... and I plan to stay in your life longer than your dads have been together.” He walked out the door and left me smiling in his wake.

There would be no repeat of the mistakes made by the characters in the story of “The Twink and the Stud” if I had anything to say about it.
 

Return to The Gus Diaries