The End Justifies the Means

Chapter 8 - Reflections

Ben was in a deep sleep but at three in the morning Michael couldn’t find any inner peace. He softly kissed Ben on his warm forehead and made his way quietly down the stairs to get a drink. The past 48 hours had been too trying for words and he felt that he deserved a little something to help him to relax. While this was usually Brian’s version of pain management, Michael thought a little couldn’t hurt.

As he poured himself a vodka and tonic, Michael reflected on all that he had to deal with. Maybe breaking it down one step at a time, like listing all the tasks in a given day, might help him focus and cope with moving forward. When Justin and Brian had been with them he had felt hopeful, but somehow their departure also ushered out his good spirits. Spirits, he laughed at the multiple meanings. From one type of spirit to another. With that Michael took several gulps from his glass.

The tonic cut the alcohol just enough to give that bitter burn, without being too overpowering.

Michael took a pen and a pad and sat down at the dining room table. He knew that prioritizing was next to impossible because there was just too much to put into order so he began his random list with his Honeybun. Precious little JR. He needed to make sure she was taken care of. She was his responsibility and he wanted to keep it that way so he’d have to figure out a way to continue to make money to put away in his Jenny Rebecca bank account. He’d been consistently putting money into the account every month since she was born and had no intention of having a little thing like no income get in the way of continuing.

It was definitely time for another big gulp from his glass.

Next Michael wrote the name Hunter Novotny-Bruckner. Even though Michael knew in his heart that Novotny was a name that was born in his mother’s eighteen-year-old fantasy world, he was glad that there would really be a child to carry that name into the future. Hunter was his gift from the fates or God or wherever the fuck, but Hunter needed to be cared for. No matter what happened to him or Ben, Michael knew that he had to make sure Hunter got the best education possible, the best medications available, the best doctors available and the best chance for a long and happy life. Michael wondered what he’d do if for some reason Ben’s insurance was discontinued. If Ben couldn’t work for a long time he wondered if that might happen. He’d known so many who had lost their insurance when AIDS barged into their lives. Michael hoped they’d be able to avoid that trauma. But just in case, precautions had to be taken.

When Michael rebuilt, whatever he rebuilt, he’d see about getting small business owners medical insurance for all of them. Yes, he could do that, couldn’t he? Sometimes Michael wished he hadn’t been so sheltered because these simple concepts seemed so foreign to him.

The glass was raised again in a toast to his mother, then Brian and finally Ben. Those wonderful people who loved him and took such good care of him all his life, never considering the consequences.

Michael looked at the glass. It was pitifully empty. That was so sad; only one way to fix that…yep, this was something he could do…fill ‘er up. Michael’s thoughts were beginning to get a bit cloudy so he shook his head a bit and worked to refocus.

Next on the list, Rage. His dream, his passion, could not die. Just because there were no first editions left in his possession didn’t mean he couldn’t think of more wonderful adventures for his fabulous creation. He and Justin would make sure Rage continued to serve and protect Gayopolis. Maybe they could have Brian do another push with the advertising and get a surge in readership. Writing Rage was wonderful--getting tons of money from selling it would be incredible.

Michael wondered if he should abandon his list and turn towards writing the next issue of Rage. Justin would be happy to start illustrating. After all he’d be back in New York City without Brian soon, so he’d have lots of time on his hands when he wasn’t painting his masterpieces. Justin…now there was a man with talent. Yes, even Michael could admit that he’d never met anyone he envied more than Justin. He laughed as he thought, ‘the fates sent this kid to be the annoying little brother I never wanted, tried to shove away and then learned to love.’ I wonder if siblings that fight as kids really do learn to love each other outwardly as adults.

Michael raised the glass once again to toast Justin, the baby brother with all the talent. This time Michael decided to leave out the tonic. Cutting the vodka was no longer necessary. Boy was that good.

The list went on. Now Michael added Debbie/Mom. Why the fuck didn’t she marry Carl already? At least one member of their crazy family could have security and still live in Pittsburgh. Since Prop 14 was defeated the world was moving in the right direction. Michael never wanted his mother to martyr herself for him but that’s what she’d been doing his entire life. He owed her too, but didn’t know how to take care of her. He knew that Carl would do everything he could. Maybe he could at least convince them to file for domestic partnership like he and Ben had done. At least then he’d know that his mom would be financially safe. No, he had to convince her to fuckin’ marry Carl already. It was just stupid that they weren’t married.

The glass took its place in the air as Michael recited, “To the bride and groom.”

Brian was the next to make his way onto Michael’s master list. All he wrote next to his name was, Thank you for taking care of me from the moment we met. I know I’m not an easy friend to have because I demand a lot, but I always knew that no matter what I could count on you. And thank you for never fucking me, or fucking me over by doing that, because I need you as a friend much more than as a lover.

It took Michael a long time to admit that but he knew it was true. The thought that these sentiments would make Brian’s dick soft if he ever read them, made Michael snort. Well tough shit, this was how he felt and that was all there was to it!

The next toast was to Brian and Justin, “May you both find the love and happiness that I’ve finally found with Ben.”

Ben, the name he’d avoided writing until now. Ben was his forever and always and that couldn’t end yet. Forever had to go way beyond his 30’s or 40’s. Look at Vic -- he lived with full-blown AIDS for years. It nearly killed him more than once but he rallied back. It was the meds that did him in. Michael had to make sure that Ben was on the right meds and that they didn’t just test his T-cell count and viral load but that they’d also test for any possible silent side effects from the meds that might be killing him.

Ben and he would live a long and happy life together. They had to. Without Ben, all the other reasons for Michael to live wouldn’t add up. It was time for Michael to finish growing up. Ben had to stop protecting him from the world and from their reality.

“This is the reality, sweetheart, and you have to live with it.” How many years ago had Debbie said that to him? Well now her prophecy was coming true and he had no intention of giving her or the AIDS the chance to win. He would meet the challenge.

Michael knew that Ben only scratched the surface when they’d talked late the previous night. He’d obviously been hiding the depth of how much trouble he was in. Now it was Michael’s turn to be the man of the house. The one everyone leaned on when they were in trouble. This wasn’t steroid abuse or a runaway kid that they were dealing with, this was life or death and if Michael didn’t make himself rise to the occasion he might lose Ben and that was not an option.

“A final toast. To my husband, until death do us part—and that won’t be for a shitload of years!” With that Michael finished off the liquid tranquilizer.

“Thank you, I appreciate the sentiment and I hope to help it come true.” Ben said quietly as he slowly made his way to the dining room.

“Holy fuckin’ shit! You scared me to death. I thought you were fast asleep.”

“I was but when I rolled over and the other side of the bed was cold I got up to look for you. I’d ask for one of those for myself,” Ben pointed at Michael’s empty glass, “but it probably wouldn’t be a good idea. And from the looks of it, I’m not sure if there’s any left.” Ben said as he sat down next to Michael at the table. “What have you got there?” He asked, pointing to the paper in front of Michael.

“Just some ideas for the next Rage.” Michael quickly folded the paper and shoved it in the pocket of his sweatpants. “Can I get you some juice or milk or tea?”

“Tea sounds great. Why don’t you have a cup with me?”

“Maybe.”

After Michael put up the hot water and prepared Ben’s cup with his favorite brew he glanced discreetly at Ben. Life would definitely not be complete without him sharing their table and tea together for years to come. Michael gave himself a few minutes to compose himself under the guise of waiting for the water to finish boiling and decided he probably should have a cup of tea himself. When the beverages were ready he brought them to the table and then went back for a small plate of shortbread cookies. It was time for some alcohol absorption and Ben could use some calories.

“So how long have you been down here?” Ben finally continued.

“Not too long, I couldn’t sleep. Too much on my mind. The store, JR, Hunter…”

“And me?”

“Most of all you. Ben, I really need you to be honest with me. No more of walking around the issues or trying to attribute stuff to a cold. Please.”

“Okay, I’ve been leaving out certain things about my doctor’s visit and maybe it’s time to share them with you.”

“Now we’re getting somewhere. What did the doctor say and why are you truly sick?”

“Michael, my meds aren’t working as well as they should because he’s pretty sure that I’m actually having an allergic type of reaction to one of them. The problem is that while he searches for the one medication that’s causing an adverse reaction, we have to go through a crazy process of elimination to find the culprit.”

“So what do you have to do to make this happen?”

“Well first we have to wait for my blood work to come back to see if this has fucked with my HIV status. The doctor thinks that he caught it early enough to avoid that pitfall.”

“Pitfall—is that what you’re calling it. Ben this could be a disaster. How can they figure out which med needs to be changed and which ones are working fine so we don’t drop them?” Michael was beginning to get nervous and agitated but he kept a lid on it so that Ben would keep talking and filling him in on the details.

“I’ve currently been pulled from all meds.”

“Fuck!”

“I know. The doctor did put me on some very strong antibiotic so that any fluid that might be causing my cough will be taken care of and that we won’t have to think about the complications of an infection as well.”

“What’s next?”

“Then we’ll start each med back a little at a time. We’ll do blood-testing and play it cautiously so that I can ultimately resume a cocktail that works for me without putting me in danger.”

“This all sounds like a very good plan but I’m very curious about one thing.”

“What’s that Michael?”

“Why the fuck hasn’t your doctor put you in the hospital? This all sounds very complicated and it sounds like you should be watched closely to make sure there are no further complications that enter the picture. I just don’t get why he let you come home to do this.” Michael kept shaking his head in disbelief.

“The doctor wrote out a very specific regimen that I’m to follow. In addition, I’m supposed to call him at specific times, like an appointment, every couple of days. He seems to think that this will be workable from home. Besides, you know doctors can’t just throw patients in the hospital any more, unnecessarily. Insurance wouldn’t allow it.” Ben knew that he wasn’t being totally honest with Michael but this wasn’t the time for him to disappear or for Michael to ignore the rest of his life and stay at the hospital with him. He remembered that last hospital stay when Michael rarely, if ever, left his bedside until he was ready to go home.

“Are you sure this is truly the best way to go? Maybe we should get a second opinion. There are plenty of good doctors out there that work with HIV positive patients and their medical issues. What if we went for a second opinion?”

Michael was getting too smart for his own good. Ben had to distract him from this line of questions, “I went over this with my doctor and I agreed that this really was the best course of action. I’ll be out of work for about a week or two but this is what will be the most comfortable. Besides I’d be much happier in my own bed with you than in some strange hospital bed, especially if it isn’t really necessary.”

With that Michael nodded his agreement and understanding although he wasn’t convinced that this made sense. Something just seemed a bit off but he knew that Ben loved him and wouldn’t do anything to hurt him so he left the subject.

“Now what thoughts about JR and Hunter were keeping your mind in overdrive?” Ben asked in a more light-hearted tone of voice.

“Not much, just worrying about Hunter’s grades and whether JR will need braces when she’s in elementary school.” Michael didn’t think this was the time to delve into his list. It was obvious that Ben needed to focus on himself and his own health.

“Well, Michael, Hunter’s doing very well in all his classes except Calculus but at least he’s passing with at least a ‘C’ and I really don’t think you need to worry about JR’s braces until she has the adult teeth for them to be wrapped around.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right. I guess I’m just being an overly attentive dad.”

“Well, dad, how about we go back to sleep before dawn today?” Ben stood up and put out his hand for Michael to take and join him.

“Sounds good, let me just clean up this stuff first.”

“Forget it. It can all wait until morning. Maybe if we sleep late enough Hunter will clean it up for us.”

“Oh my God!” Michael sounded quite alarmed.

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s obvious you’ve become delusional!”

They both laughed softly as they walked hand in hand to bed. As the lights were once again turned off on their night tables Ben rapidly fell back to sleep. Michael looked at his partner, his husband, and thought, Ben, don’t fuck with your health. I’m going to make sure I get as much information as I can despite the fact you think I’m okay with all you said. Somehow, maybe it was all the vodka from earlier, Michael finally fell into a deep sleep.

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