The End Justifies the Means

Chapter 4 - Heating Up

Ben sat uncomfortably in the waiting room of his doctor’s office. He hated the thought of lying to Michael but he also knew that Michael was under an incredible amount of stress. The loss of the comic book store AND all its contents was taking Michael to his limits and Ben was actually surprised at how well he was dealing with it. It helped that Brian and Justin came back to help him sort things out and to keep Michael focused on the future.

Ben knew that he was having trouble for a couple of weeks but thought that it was just one of those cycles where his body was telling him he was overdoing it. In his attempts to remain the one his family could count on, he’d taken on a larger than normal course load to teach and was trying to finish his new book. This one was a winner and he wanted to reap the benefits. Normally he wouldn’t put himself under such stress but Hunter was going to finally graduate from high school. It would only be one semester late and Ben wanted to make sure that he had the opportunity to go to any college he wanted.

Since Hunter probably wouldn’t be a good candidate for any academic scholarships Ben knew that money in the bank was the answer. He didn’t want Hunter to have to resort to tens of thousands of dollars in loans just to get the education he earned and deserved. This was how Ben could take care of the only child he knew he’d ever have.

His child. Two words that he thought would never be a part of Ben Bruckner’s vocabulary. Paul had robbed him of that privilege by fucking around behind his back. Somehow fate had stepped in and returned with a son. One who he could bond with and love more than any other child. Sure, Michael shared JR with Ben, but she was hardly around and he was more of a sidelines player in her rearing.

But Hunter wanted him and Michael equally. The courts were all too happy to dispose of the HIV-tainted teen who would always be a black mark on the system that was supposed to protect children. At 17 ½ years old, James Hunter Montgomery became reborn as James Hunter Novotny-Bruckner. That was a moment that Ben would treasure for the rest of his life. Now it was time to make sure that he was a parent for a good long time.

There were others in the waiting room and Ben thought guiltily that he was happy that they looked a lot worse off than he did. Ben’s cough was just a mask of what might be brewing inside and all he knew was that he had to be healthy. Maybe this really was just a little cold and the doctor would give him some antibiotics to knock it out. Then he could concentrate on Michael’s needs and making sure Hunter passed his last four classes.

“Ben Bruckner, Ben Bruckner are you here?” Ben was startled out of his reverie with the raising of the nurse’s voice.

“Sorry, right here.”

“Come in Mr. Bruckner, we’ll be heading to exam room number 2.”

Ben walked slowly down the hall. He remembered the movie Dead Man Walking and shook that thought away. He was clearly being a drama queen. He laughed at the thought of comparing himself to Emmett or Justin or even Brian at his worst. Ben was anything but a drama queen. That’s what scared him. All the logic in the world couldn’t shake the feeling that he was in trouble and that maybe this time he wouldn’t have a way out.

After a thorough examination the doctor asked Ben to get dressed and then to proceed to his office so they could consult on any preliminary results. Following all the poking, prodding and blood that was being drawn, Ben suspected that the doctor had a pretty clear view of what was going on. The question was did Ben want to hear it.

When settling down in the doctor’s study, Ben took care to sit up straight and at least demonstrate an aura of feeling healthy.

When the doctor came in and sat behind his desk Ben’s nerves began to show. Despite his best efforts he slumped down a bit and started picking at the arm of the chair. He wondered if teenage girls who find themselves pregnant, when they really know the outcome feel this way and the absurdity of the thought made him smile.

“Ben, how long have you been feeling under the weather?” the doctor started.

“About two weeks. It didn’t really seem like anything much until the last few days. I really just think I have a cold or maybe bronchitis at the worst.” Ben responded.

“Thank you, Dr. Bruckner, so glad to have you consult on your own case. But as you know doctors should not treat themselves and neither should college professors, no matter how gifted.”

Ben lowered his head slightly and smirked. “I guess I can’t talk or write my way out of this. So what’s up, doc?” he replied trying to lighten the mood.

“Ben, I understand that you’re scared but we’ve always been able to speak candidly. It’s probably why you’re one of my favorite patients. May I speak candidly once again?”

“Please, I’m ready.”

“Ben, I did detect some fluid in your lungs. But I also think we’ll find that your white cell count is elevated. You definitely have an infection and it’s also fighting against the drugs to maintain your health. It might even be as a result of your body having what we sometimes call a drug eruption against one of the drugs that’s meant to keep you healthy.”

“What’s a drug eruption?”

“It’s when your body has taken a drug for a long time and for some unforeseen reason it rejects the drug and has a bad reaction. For example, my daughter’s friend took a medication for her acne. It worked very well for a number of years and then one day she woke up and looked like she had Rubella. It turned out it was a reaction to the drug. She discontinued the medication and the rash faded within 48 hours.”

“So you think my body is reacting to one of my HIV meds and it’s causing me to get an infection?”

“I do, and if we don’t get you in the hospital and correct all these imbalances, more of which I’m sure we’ll discover when your blood work comes back, then I’m afraid you’ll be in bigger trouble than either of us want to face.”

“I can’t,” was all Ben said.

“You can’t what?”

“I can’t go into the hospital.”

“Pardon my bluntness, but why the hell not? This is your life, Ben.”

“My life is Michael and Hunter. They need me to work and bring home paychecks and even more they need my support. Hunter’s trying to work his ass off to make sure he finishes high school this semester and I promised to help him and Michael…”

“What about Michael?”

“Did you hear about that fire near Liberty Avenue last night?”

“Of course, it’s been written up in all the papers.”

“One of the places that was burnt to a crisp was Michael’s store. I can’t let him go through this alone. He’s always been there for me, even when I’ve become unreasonable and out of control. Now it’s my turn to be the partner that he deserves and needs.”

The doctor looked at Ben like he’d lost his mind. “Ben, he won’t have a partner if you don’t get well and work on balancing your meds. I can guarantee that this is more important to him than his store.” The doctor looked at Ben and suddenly realized, “You didn’t tell him you were seeing me. Where does he think you are, teaching?”

“No, he thinks I have a regularly scheduled physical. He’s so distraught over the store that he doesn’t realize that the timing would be off for that. Look, doc, can we do this medication balancing act, along with antibiotics as an outpatient. I’ll follow every instruction you give me.”

“My first instruction would be to tell Michael.”

“That’s what Brian said.”

“Who’s Brian? Is he a relative?”

“He’s Michael’s oldest friend, practically a brother to him and a good confidant. I told him the truth last night—actually it was in the wee hours of the morning.”

“At least you have someone to talk to, but I think you should take Brian’s advice and tell your partner the truth, he has a right to know and make his own decisions about how he prioritizes. And what about Hunter?”

“What about him?”

“What kind of message does this send to an HIV positive teen? Do you want him to think that his health can be taken so cavalierly? Because that’s what you’re doing.”

“Please doc, can we just try it my way for a couple of days. If it seems like I’m even the slightest bit worse I’ll do it your way, in the hospital, with those ugly gowns.”

“Okay, although this goes against my better judgment. And, you must tell someone what’s going on and that you’ve seen me—just in case something happens unexpectedly.”

Ben agreed and the two sat for the next 15 minutes discussing, and writing up a plan for medication reductions, eliminations and replacements. The doctor also instructed Ben on the frequency he expected to hear from him and the specified times for Ben to call in. The doctor cautioned him that he considered these actual appointments, not just informal calls. Ben left the doctor’s office feeling like he won the battle. But it was obvious, if he cared to see clearly, that the doctor doubted that this would be the last time they’d see each other this week.

As he walked to his car Ben continued to look at the list of things he needed to do, starting with going to the pharmacy to fill his new prescriptions. He felt a bit light headed as the cough struck again and found that he had to sit on the sidewalk briefly to regain his composure. For a brief second Ben wondered if he’d made a mistake. He was beginning to feel cold and warm all at the same time and decided that once he got to the pharmacy he’d call a friend for a ride. Walking was a good way to stay healthy only if you were good and healthy.

With his prescriptions filled Ben pulled out his cell phone and hit number 5 on the speed dial.

“Well hello, Professor. To what do I owe the honor of this call?” Brian could be so fucking cocky. Ben laughed at his own description of Michael’s friend, his friend.

“I think I could use a ride. Do you think you can pick me up? I’m at Sid’s Pharmacy, not far from the store.”

“It just happens that since I have several tasks to do today I was just leaving the store in the capable hands of Michael and Justin. They’re looking for any remains that could be salvaged from the smoke, fire and water damage. I personally think they’d have an easier time of bringing Captain Astro back to life to save the day.”

“Can you get away without Michael knowing where you’re going?”

“That can be arranged on one condition.”

“What’s that?” Ben asked cautiously.

“We talk when I pick you up, no holds barred.”

“Okay,” was the only answer Brian needed.

“Well, boys, this has been fun. Next time we can try to find some archaeological dig to venture into. We’d probably find more intact objects there.”

“Brian, thank you for helping. I know you have stuff to do and you and Justin left Justin’s show to come back here in a hurry. I really appreciate everything and I’m gonna look into all the details about my insurance AND the value of the stuff you gave me last night.”

“Hopefully it’ll have more value to you than it really ever did for me.” With that Brian gave Michael a hug and then grabbed Justin and gave him one hell of a kiss.

“Excuse us a minute, Mikey,” Brian said as he grabbed Justin in the guise of having him walk him to his car.

“You two never stop when you’re together, do you?”

“Well, as you know…”

“I know, never enough,” Michael laughed as he finish Brian’s sentence.

Justin took Brian’s hand as they walked towards the Corvette. He could tell that something was slightly off with Brian’s demeanor and he wasn’t going to let him go until he heard everything.

“What’s up and why the chipper act? Does this have anything to do with the phone call you just received?”

“Go to the head of the class, Sunshine. That was Ben. He apparently finished with his doctor and wants a ride home from the pharmacy.”

“I’m surprised, Ben usually likes taking long walks on great days like today and he’s fairly close to the store anyway. Why didn’t he just come here?”

“I have a feeling he’s physically unable to do so and I’m about to get all the details. He better tell Michael everything. Something tells me our dear Professor is in worse shape then he’s trying to let on and is trying to shield Michael from the truth.”

“Sounds like another top I know.” Justin said as he tilted his head and smirked. Then he added, “Do you think he’s really sick? I mean that it’s serious. I remember when Ben was in the hospital last time.”

“Everything was off balance when Ben was last hospitalized. I don’t want a repeat of that at all. In fact, if I remember correctly that was probably some of the worst moments of our relationship as well.”

“That’s funny coming from you.”

“What?”

“Back then if you had used the word ‘relationship’ when referring to us, just once, Ethan wouldn’t have ever happened. I’m glad to see that some things really do change for the better. You don’t even wince when you say it now.”

“Lucky for you I can forgive and forget with the best of them. Especially when it comes to that fucked up time. I just wasn’t ready. But with a proposal, or was it a proposition like I got earlier today I couldn’t possibly go wrong—and as you know I’m never wrong.”

“Get the fuck out of here and let me know how Ben really is doing later.”

With that Brian and Justin gave each other a chaste kiss as Brian got in the car and drove off. In the meantime Justin headed back to continue helping Michael. On his way he decided it was finally time to contact his mom and Debbie and let them know that they would be coming back to Pittsburgh alone, and why.

Although both Jennifer and Debbie were upset, they understood why Justin and Brian had chosen to keep them in the dark and give them their day of pampering. It was obvious there was nothing they could do and Debbie was particularly grateful to Brian and Justin for cutting short their own fun to support Michael. Both women promised not to go overboard when they got home, and smother Michael. At that point everyone said good-bye and Justin closed his phone.

When Justin returned to the store he was finally able to convince Michael that there was nothing left to save and that they should make their way home to shower and freshen up. Justin promised to call later and possibly get together with Michael and Ben either for dinner, or just after dinner, if he wasn’t too tired. Justin didn’t want to let on that Ben might not have the energy to go out to dinner so it was difficult to weasel out of Michael’s hopeful invitation to spend more time together. With that decided, Michael left his store wondering if it would ever see the light of day again and drove Justin to the loft so he could shower and change while he awaited Brian’s return.

Brian, on the other hand, had his hands full. Ben was obviously getting sicker by the minute and was still trying hopelessly to cover it up.

“Okay, Ben, enough bullshitting around, what the fuck did the doctor say…and don’t fucking lie, you’re not that good at it.” Brian always knew how to handle stubborn opponents.

Ben thought about gilding the lily just a bit and realized that he was dealing with a man who got rich by reading the unsaid words and body language of his clients. As an advertising executive, Brian was the king of bullshit and could therefore recognize it as easily as he could recognize his own name.

Ben confessed everything to Brian and it actually felt good to have someone else know what he was up against. Somehow it made him feel less stressed out and that alone could only work to help his attitude and health.

“Ben, you have to tell Michael. You can’t let him think that it’s okay for you to be at home when your doctor specifically wanted you to go to the hospital. Doctors don’t suggest hospitalization these days without pretty fucking good reasons. They know insurance companies won’t pay for just a cold or minor virus, but between being sick and needing some meds adjustments you need to be where you can be watched 24/7 by competent medical personnel.”

It seemed that Brian could talk a blue streak. What he said made a lot of sense, but Ben couldn’t face giving Michael another reason to worry and scaring Hunter at the same time. The two of them have had enough stress in their lives. Ben knew he could handle this as long as he followed the doctor’s directions to the letter.

Brian just shook his head and wondered if it would take a fucking anvil falling on his head to knock some sense into Ben. Brian just hoped that Ben would face the reality of his physical needs before it got to be too much for the doctors to control. The last thing anyone wanted to face was the fact that Ben could slide into full-blown AIDS if he didn’t have proper care.

It was as if this man who appeared to be an absolute rock under most circumstances couldn’t face the true nature of what he was up against. Then Brian realized…maybe that was one of his greatest weapons, the ability to believe that his HIV status would never evolve into AIDS. It was the same with any serious condition. Brian suddenly understood Ben because he virtually did the same thing when he’d been diagnosed with cancer.

When they reached the Novotny-Bruckner home, Ben insisted on going inside by himself. Brian tried one last time to convince Ben to tell Michael the truth so they could face the demons together, but Ben simply said, “Thank you for the ride and for listening, but I’ll handle my own family, my own way.” And with that Ben slammed the car door shut, stood up as straight as he could and went into his home, carrying his medicine casually in a bag at his side.

As Brian drove off he thought to himself, he’s a fucking asshole—let’s no one help him and thinks he can do it all himself. Then Brian laughed at the irony of his thoughts, sounds like someone else I know. He had a bittersweet smile on his face as he remembered past choices that only delayed his happiness, and he drove back to the loft with the express purpose of spending the rest of his life making up to Justin for the choices that kept them apart for so long.
 

Return to The End Justifies the Means