The End Justifies the Means

Chapter 1 - Red Eyes

Justin looked in the mirror and couldn’t believe what he saw. His eyes were blue, as always in the dead center but the whites of his eyes were once again red. The sleep deprivation and exhaustion that he’d experienced continually since leaving Pittsburgh, PA had never let up. He laughed at the thought of painting those eyes in the mirror. They weren’t his; they belonged to the person that was currently using his body. He was a figment of his imagination gone bad, and he hated it. There was virtually nothing left of the Justin who left Pittsburgh just six short months earlier.

His chuckles got more pronounced when he thought of what he’d title the painting, Red Eyes. After all that was his life. One red eye after another, all brought on by the worst mistake of his life…well, the second worst mistake. The first was his stupid assumptions about a dark haired, romantic musician several years ago, but now all he had going for him was red eyes.

The first was the red eye he’d chosen to take when moving to New York City. That was the red eye to avoid saying any real good-byes. Despite his reputation, Justin really wanted to avoid any emotions or sentimentality. If he allowed himself the slightest form of emotion he would never have gotten on the plane.

Leaving Brian in the loft was difficult enough, but at least it was dark and Brian had the courtesy to keep the lights off as he assembled his things and left like some sort of phantom in the night. Justin insisted on a cab to take him to the airport and simply accepted some cash from Brian to cover the cost. The first set of red eyes developed in the cab. Justin couldn’t help tearing up as he spent the entire ride to the airport remembering their last night together. It’s only time…bullshit. Time sucks and waiting is worse.

The next red eye experience was the actual flight. It’s funny how few people head to New York City in the middle of the night, despite the incredible bargain that it was. Justin sat by the window, and to his pleasant surprise no one sat next to him. He placed his messenger bag on the seat beside him and wrapped his jacket around him from the front. When he closed his eyes he imagined that it was Brian wrapping his arms around him telling him, “It’s only time, but time passes quickly if you let it.”

That wasn’t really what Brian had said but Justin allowed his fantasy to take him away. Then when he opened his eyes he realized that once again they were tearing. Must be my god-awful allergies. That’s the only explanation for all this ridiculously immature, faggot behavior. He immediately wiped his eyes and tried to methodically list all the reasons that this move was necessary.

First and foremost he needed to prove to himself that he really did earn the title of best homosexual he could possibly be. That meant standing up for himself and learning to be his own man. This time if he fell flat on his face, the only way someone, namely Brian, could catch him would be if he had the longest arms in the universe.

The art. Justin knew that if he could somehow get recognized by an agent or a gallery in New York City he would truly fulfill his dream of expressing himself on canvas and being able to have a career doing so. He’d told Brian that the money didn’t matter and he still felt the same. However, the ability to display his talents and actually use them as an income would be an extra special gift. There is nothing better than fulfilling your dreams.

So New York City was the place to be.

Justin started his simple, sparse life sharing a studio apartment, divided up by faux plasterboard panels for privacy, with Daphne’s friend Jill. Jill was a great roommate but she was definitely not a replacement for having his confidant, Daphne, nearby.

Each morning Justin would wake up to a part-time job at a Starbucks. If you worked 25 hours a week at Starbucks you could get insurance and that was the biggest attraction of the job…not to mention access to lots of high-test caffeine to take home each day.

That led to a rousing afternoon and evening in front of his canvases. Justin found a small studio with a month to month lease capability. He shared it with three other novice artists. Each had about a 12’ by 12’ space that was divided by cheap curtains suspended by string draped from wall to wall. It may not have been perfect, but it was better than nothing.

Finally, each night Justin would return to his apartment and head straight for the bathroom. His first stop would be to wash the paints and primers off his hands. As he did so he’d gaze into the mirror. The picture never changed. Red eyes. Always tired, sad, red eyes.

Clubbing was always an option and Justin tried it several times, if only to prove that he wasn’t a psycho hermit (Jill’s name for him when he got moody and quiet). The clubs were full of gorgeous gay guys, but the fact remained that Justin only cared about being with one gorgeous, gay guy. He allowed said guy to convince him that going to follow his dream could only happen if he was in another city. So Justin danced and drank with an assortment of men, both older and younger. But when it came time to either head home or head to a backroom with a trick, there was never any question that this was out of the question.

It actually shocked him to realize that Brian was the only person that could make him want to have sex in his ever-exhausted state. Without Brian in the mix, there was always his right hand and a little box of accessories that he’s acquired over the past few years, coupled with a vivid imagination.

The best times were those that involved talking to Brian by phone. They spoke frequently and if their conversations were late enough that both were home alone and in for the night, they had fabulous, intense sessions of phone sex. Justin never imagined how great phone sex could be. When he had spent all that time in Hollywood, several years ago, there were always other men to meet his needs. Brian was there for talking and caring about, but sex was a separate entity. Now it was different.

Sex and love became much more than acquaintances. Justin couldn’t separate the two like he used to be able to. At first he thought he was going insane. Maybe he really was becoming a psycho hermit. But he knew that wasn’t the case. The truth was that he had learned that when sex was combined with love it meant so much more. The sex and the orgasm were that much greater and the need and excitement escalated to heights that were unimaginable. So sex was now relegated to fantasizing about Brian or with Brian when he was on the phone.

It’s funny how Justin knew that if he’d had the energy to look in the mirror after one of their marathon phone sex sessions his eyes would be clear and alive. But by the next morning he’d wake to look forward to another day of ‘the usual’.

The usual finally took a turn for the better when one of Justin’s studio mates was able to convince a reputable agent to look at his sculptures. It was very exciting to see the agent from the Views of the Future agency analyze each piece. She’d hmmm’d and ahhhh’d several times and finally told the young, up and coming sculptor that she’d keep him in mind. She liked his work and thought he had promise but her agency was a bit more interested in abstracts and canvases.

She took a peak behind Justin’s curtain. He was there working on ‘Silhouettes’. A canvas filled with the illusions of people in a variety of black and white tones. All except for one. One of those people had the added touches of golds and browns. It was an unusual and daring contrast, but Justin was totally involved in it as Maggie Jensen took her liberties with viewing.

Maggie Jensen knew that some of the best artists never knew they were ready to be unveiled to the public until they were told by an expert. Part of her job as an agent was to find these diamonds in the rough, even if it meant disappointing one as she snagged another.

Maggie walked into Justin’s area and coughed. Justin finally stopped what he was doing and looked up.

“Hello, do I know you?” he asked.

“How rude of me. I’m Maggie Jensen from Views of the Future,” she said as she extended her hand and then her card to Justin. “You may have heard of us.”

“Who hasn’t—at least in the art world.” He laughed.

“Tell me about this. What do you call it and how were you inspired to paint it?”

“This is ‘Silhouettes’. It’s part of a series I’m doing inspired by those I love.”

“Are these people who have died? The colors are so forlorn, except for this one figure.”

“In many ways my separation from them feels a little like death and despair, I guess. But this figure represents my hope for reunification.”

“I see. Mr…”

“Taylor, Justin Taylor.”

“Mr. Taylor, I think we have some business to discuss. Can you come to my office at this time tomorrow with your portfolio?”

“I’ll be there.”

And that’s how it began. With a simple moment of being in the right place at the right time, Justin signed with an agent and with one of the most reputable agencies to be found. When he called Brian with the news he was greeted five hours later with a knock on the door. Brian had a bottle of champagne in one hand and an overnight case in the other.

“I always said that I celebrate accomplishments and achievements.” And with that Justin was dragged away to a suite at one of the finest deluxe hotels in New York City for a weekend of dining, dancing, fucking, sucking and plenty of loving. Justin knew that time might actually be on his side.

Although he didn’t tell Brian outright that he hadn’t been with anyone else in the three months they’d been apart, it almost seemed that he knew. The first time they made love was slow, despite their mutually hungry desires. It was as if Brian was trying to reacquaint himself with every inch of Justin’s body and Justin was just fine with that. He’d wondered if possibly Brian had experienced the same feelings regarding sex while they were apart, but shoved that romantic foolishness aside for a quick dose of reality and togetherness.

While their time together was brief, this time Brian was far less pessimistic when it was time for him to leave.

“I’ll be back for your first show. Even if it’s just one piece, I’ll be here. I always knew you were a genius—and not just because of the score on your SAT’s.” While the words sounded familiarly like a snarky Brian, his gentle touches of Justin’s cheek and neck gave them a much deeper meaning. Brian now believed they had a future.

Justin seemed to now move into overdrive whenever he had time to paint. He’d plow through each shift at Starbuck’s like a machine and then run to his studio space to lay his heart and soul and passion onto his canvases.

Maggie was delighted with all the spectacular work stemming from her new find. She took some of the smaller works to the manager of her agency. He was thrilled with her young artist and couldn’t imagine how they’d missed this incredibly gifted man until now. When asked what made this artist so intense and expressive, Maggie shared that he wouldn’t say a word. He only painted from his heart and that’s all he’d tell her.

The mystery made Justin that much more interesting and would certainly generate plenty of PR buzz when she could find a show in which to properly display his work.

After two more months of living, breathing and eating art he finally got the word that Maggie had found the perfect show to reveal him to the New York City public. He was about to finish the final canvas in his monster series.

When Maggie saw the final piece she couldn’t help but laugh out loud. This was better than anything she’d expected. Without even knowing the title of the piece she simply stated, “You finally made a self-portrait.”

Justin chuckled and said, “How’d you guess?”

“I can see it in your eyes.”

They both laughed at the humor. Justin’s final piece was a splash of blue on a sea of reddish pink with bizarre lines running throughout, almost like arteries in an anatomy text. They shared a good laugh as Justin told Maggie that this would be his tribute to his feelings since he’d moved to New York. The title was ‘Red Eyes’, and it was indeed a self-portrait of not just Justin’s eyes, but his entire demeanor.

He looked directly at Maggie and said, “If I was to leave town and keep painting would I still be your client or would you have to drop me?”

“Justin, as long as you can produce drama on canvas, your place at Views is safe and sound. Do I detect that it’s time to return to your inspirations?”

“Yes, and I won’t be taking the red eye this time.” The bittersweet reality and hope wasn’t lost on either of them.

After Maggie left, Justin called Brian to give him the date of the show and the two agreed that they’d stay in the same hotel as Justin’s previous visit. Justin had finally learned not to look a gift-horse in the mouth, especially if he wanted to have the perfect setting.

This time Justin intended to propose and he would not take, “No,” for an answer. It was finally their time and he knew it.

As the day approached, the finishing touches were in place and the works all framed. Finally the canvasses were hung in beautiful, eye-appealing formations, at the 15th Street Gallery.

 

*~*~*~*~*
 

Jennifer, Brian and Debbie were all planning to attend the opening night gala. It was made quite clear to the moms that while they were loved and their presence wanted that at midnight they would return to their hotel separately from Justin and Brian. Justin wanted nothing to get in the way of his perfect evening.

By 5:00 PM Justin received the call he’d been waiting for. Brian, his mom and Debbie had arrived safe and sound and would meet him at the gallery at 8:00 PM.

Justin arrived at seven to take one last walk-through and view all his pieces. While the show was shared with two other young artists, his pieces far outnumbered and, in many cases, outsized theirs. His were dramatic and exciting and sometimes frightening to look at and it sent a chill down his spine knowing that those had been his feelings. Many were dark and depressing but followed a steady flow to bizarre, colorful and fascinating. Brian was his eye-of-the-tiger and Justin used his goal to create life on canvas.

At precisely 8:00 PM the doors to the gallery were opened and the first to walk in was Brian. No one would dare get in his way when he had a destination to reach. He pulled Justin into a hold that was unquestionably more than that of a mere friend. Reporters covering the new mysterious artist with the secret inspiration snapped photos rapidly. Justin laughed, “There goes my mystique.”

“Fuck your mystique. You don’t need it any more,” Brian whispered. “You’re the king of the art world and they all know it. You once used me as your model, but I think you’ve excelled with me in the supporting role of inspiration.”

“You are more than a supporting role. You’re the lead and you know it.”

With that more hugs and kisses passed between mother and son and Debbie and her Sunshine. They had the time of their lives and Maggie was practically drooling over the future totals in her bank account. Each time a red dot was placed on the description of one of Justin’s paintings all she could think was, ‘Ka-ching. You my dear definitely know how to pick ‘em!’

When the patrons, reporters, critics and guests had all but disappeared Brian sent Jennifer and Debbie off in a cab to their hotel. He’d arranged a two bedroom suite for them, as well as massages at their hotel spa and two tickets to a matinee all the following day. Both of them knew this was his way of making sure he and Justin had some quality time together without interruption, but who were they to argue with romance and some definite star treatment.

In their own hotel room Justin and Brian lounged together, for they never used the ‘cuddle’ word. After a long and passionate session that ending in simultaneous, and quite intense orgasms, Justin looked at Brian and said, “I need you to close your eyes for one minute.”

“Justin, I don’t want to play games.”

“It’s no game, just indulge me.”

“I thought I already did.” That got Brian a smack on the arm and a good laugh, but he did close his eyes.

After hearing Justin rustle about, he returned to the bed and said, “Open up.”

There was a bottle of Dom Perignon, two crystal glasses and a rose on a tray. “Justin you can’t afford this.”

“Shhhh, this is my party and I’ll do as I please.”

“What’s that song on the cd player?”

“Silhouettes, that’s what started my climb to this moment. Brian, I love you.”

“I know. You know how I feel, Sunshine.”

“Yes, I do.” Justin looked into Brian’s eyes. They were as clear as he knew his were for the first time in months.

“Brian…” And then Justin’s phone rang. “Shit, who would be calling me in the middle of the night.”

Justin reluctantly looked at the caller ID on his phone and saw that it was Michael. Alarmed, he shared the news with Brian and picked it up. Brian’s phone was also on and he wondered why Michael hadn’t called him.

“Michael, what’s up, why are you calling so late?”

“Justin, I need you, can you come home?”

 

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