COMA CONVERSATIONS

Chapter 2

Day 3


So many noises. So many sounds. So many voices. Don’t they know when it’s time to let someone rest in peace? It’s my time, I know it. Then we can all be free.

I’ll see Hunter when he gets sick, although it had better not be for a long time. I’m sure Michael and Deb will take good care of him.

I know how much they love him and it’s genuine, unconditional love. He’ll be safe with them and I’ll just wait. Maybe I’ll be reincarnated as some higher being. I’ve tried to live honestly, but I’ll just have to wait and see.

More voices and there’s yelling. Don’t they know I need a quiet space?

“Michael, get the fuck out of here. Your mother is trying to entertain our daughter all by herself and I hate to think of all the junk food she’ll give her.”

Mumbling. I can’t make it out.

“I promise not to leave him until you return. How about an hour? Just go down to the fucking cafeteria with JR and get some lunch with her. And for god’s sake don’t say anything morbid.”

“I know how to talk to my own daughter. Fine. I’ll be back in an hour or less. Just don’t leave him alone.”

“Go, Michael.”

Door opens then closes. Quiet. Now I can rest.

“So Ben, what’s all this bullshit I hear about you fucking with your meds and accelerating your demise.”

Oh shit! Melanie just can’t leave well enough alone.

“You think that with all your fucking Zen Ben ways you know when it’s time to go and when to take it upon yourself to make that happen. Well I’ve got news for you. You don’t!”

Who the fuck does she think she is?

“The gays are learning what the Jews learned many years ago. Keep fucking fighting. Everyone else may try to kill you and wipe you off the planet but we’re still here – the Jews AND the gays. So don’t give me any of this sacrificial bullshit.

“I know what you’re trying to do, but it’s going to backfire.”

What does she know? I’ve never confided in her. Not really. Fucking lawyers think they know everything. She doesn’t know anything about me or my motives.

“You think that you’re going to give Michael some free pass, at an early enough age, to find someone else who’s NOT infected.”

Maybe she does know more than I give her credit for.

“But you don’t know anything if that’s what you think. Your medication-denied body and mind are in fucking la-la land if that’s where you’re heading.”

You didn’t see Michael and Brian. They were getting together in a rather clandestine manner just last month. I caught them a few times, trying to be inconspicuous, while Justin was at the gallery or for one weekend away at a show in Chicago. I saw them.

“You’re being fucking selfish and you’d admit to it if you could see what you’re doing to this family – especially JR.”

JR, I hadn’t thought about JR. She’s just a little girl. She’ll be fine. She’s only four years old. She won’t even remember me.

“If you don’t think she considers you an integral and important part of her life you really have gone off the fucking deep end. She would remember you dying and never forgive you for leaving her.”

Mel’s good, better than I thought.

“Half the fucking day all I hear is Daddy B did this and Daddy B said that. She thinks you really do walk on water.

“And the strangest thing is that, with parents like Michael and me and a grandmother like Deb, she’s so fucking quiet and thoughtful, even at her age. Do you know why that is?”

Probably not but I bet I can’t get away without you telling me.

“It’s because YOU are the asshole she’s decided to emulate.”

Me???

“Daddy B always thinks before he talks, so she does – at four fucking years old. Daddy B chews his food slowly so he can savor every bite. What fucking kid uses the word ‘savor’? Mine does, because of you.”

Why didn’t I notice this? She’s Michael’s daughter. I’ll never have children, except for Hunter. I don’t understand.

“Do you know why she thinks you’re everything, because you fucking are, you asshole? You may be one of the newest members of our fucked up family, by comparison to Michael and me and Lindsay, but you’re the one who brings -- well brought -- sanity to our lives. The god damned voice of reason walked into a comic book store and brought Michael to life.”

I did not bring Michael to life. He was happy. He had a new store; he’d dumped his Oregon doctor and was going to work on returning to a life with Brian. I became a fucking stumbling block.

“Don’t you ever think that Michael and JR are done with you because they’re not.”

That’s what you think. I’ll be sad to leave JR. That may be one of the regrets I leave this earth with, but you don’t know anything about Michael.

“I think it was just about six or eight weeks ago that Michael and I were talking after he brought JR home one night. We decided to sit a few minutes and have some coffee. He told me that he was so glad that he found you. That you are an amazing parent for both Hunter AND JR…and here’s the clincher…that he learned to open his heart to love by watching Brian and Justin; that’s how he knew you were the one.”

Brian, it always comes down to Brian, with a dash of Justin on the side to add a bitter spice for Michael to swallow, and try to figure out how to remove.

“When he saw Brian with Justin he realized just what it meant to love someone. He would look at Brian looking at Justin and yearn for that in his life. But he also learned that it wasn’t Brian he yearned for. He never really knew who it was but Michael knew that he’d find him.

“Fuck, if Brian could find the right person, anyone could.”

He found him, and they’ve been reuniting recently. This makes no sense.

“He told me that when he watches Brian look at Justin it makes him actually feel warm inside because he never thought he or Brian would find true love, and until you he didn’t understand what true love really was. Now he does. He sees Justin love Brian unconditionally, and yet firmly, and that’s what he hoped he could do for you.

“You know, Ben, for a long time I wondered if Michael would ever be completely released from the hold of Brian Kinney. But I’m convinced that he is and that he understands what held him there.”

This I’d like to hear. Because he’s still being held in Brian’s gravitational pull.

“It was the same bullshit that held me to Lindsay for way too long. It’s the desire for an interpretation of perfection. Perfection in a relationship, perfection in an appearance, perfection in who I thought my soul-mate could and should be.

“I was wrong and so was Michael. Funny thing is he learned it first. And he learned from Brian and Justin.”

What he learned was about unrequited love, something I’ve been dealing with for years.

“He learned that two people can not build a relationship when one wants it more than the other. The foundation has to be mutual. He could never find that in Brian, because Brian had already found that special bond with Justin Taylor…although Brian didn’t fucking admit it for almost four years.

“But Michael watched as Brian’s heart opened for the first time to accept its counterpart and Michael knew that it could only be Justin. The interesting thing is that they were lucky, because their love was obvious, although none of us wanted to admit it.”

So Michael settled for sloppy seconds.

“Michael grew up and realized that he had a soul-mate too. But his name wasn’t Brian, it was Ben Bruckner.”

That’s a laugh.

“Don’t let Michael lose. Make him the fucking winner. You’re the only one who can. You’re the only one who can quietly encourage JR and Hunter to reach their potential. You’re the only one who can help Michael know love and have his soul-mate with him. It’s you Ben.”

JR, Hunter, Michael. But Michael wants Brian – always has, always will. Hunter is a man on his own and JR will learn to cope without me.

“Don’t hurt Michael. He’ll never get over this.”

That’s what you think. You didn’t see them together. Whispering, laughing, conspiring.

Door’s opening.

“Please tell me you didn’t upset him.”

“Yeah, Michael, that’s my goal to upset a guy hooked up to a zillion fucking monitors.”

“Sorry. I’m just worried about him.”

“I know. What do the doctor’s say?”

“It can go either way. They’re pumping in the right combo of meds and, well, they say it’s all up to him.”

“So then it should work.”

“I just don’t know if he loves me enough anymore.”

“What!”

“He was so distant, starting about a month ago. I think he thinks this is the best way out of our marriage. I thought he loved me more than that. I guess I thought wrong.”

What! Voice trailing off. I hear crying.

“You’ll find a way to show him, Michael. I know you will.”
 

“God, I hope so. Time’s running out.”

Tired, confused, sleep.


[TBC]
 

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