COMA CONVERSATIONS

Chapter 1

Author's Notes:The POV belongs to Ben. His parts of the conversations are not in quotes as he is not speaking aloud.

 

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Day 8


This has been a very long and enlightening eight days. I never thought I would learn so much as I approached what I always assumed would be the final step before my death. Why I wasn’t moved into the hospice facility I have no idea. Or, at least, I had no idea until I really truly listened to my family – quite possibly for the first time in my life, I really listened.

Six weeks ago I thought my life was over. I was a bit worried about Hunter but I know that with the family’s support and guidance he’ll get through this and ultimately it will make him fight harder. That’s what I taught him and I know he always took heed of everything about AIDS that I shared with him.

Michael was another story. Now he’d be able to follow a path more suited for him than caring for a sick spouse. I know how much Michael loves me, but I’ve always known his first and only true devotion belonged to another. It’s been difficult to deal with the reality of my second place role in Michael’s life but at least he’s always been dedicated and loyal to me from the beginning. I’ve never doubted his dedication, but wishing to be someone’s grand passion and knowing I never could reach that status has always been a disappointment.

However there are things in my life that I didn’t know. I’m an intelligent man – a college professor, with tenure – so how did I become so blind and foolish at such a young age. It was me who didn’t trust, it was me who didn’t read the signs, it was me who was so self-involved that I forgot to appreciate all that was around me.

Now that I’ve finally listened, as my body screamed for my attention and I ignored it once again, I need to wake up. I need to renew my bond with my husband. I need to somehow let them all know that I’ve heard them. The words didn’t fall on deaf ears. The time spent with me wasn’t useless. I heard every word and remember everything.

I know Michael brought my Buddha statue here. He told me and to quote him, “Come on Buddha old boy, I’m rubbing your tummy like Ben said, so come through for him.” Sometimes Michael can be cute in his unusual combination of naïveté coupled with the common sense he has acquired little by little over the years.

The first day we were here he must have been pacing because I couldn’t pinpoint his voice in one location.

“What the fuck happened?”

“Mr. Novotny, he clearly hasn’t been taking care of himself again.”

“That’s Mr. Novotny-Bruckner.”

“Excuse me.”

“Sorry doctor, I’m just angry. I don’t understand why he’d give up.”

“I don’t know. All I can tell you is that he wasn’t taking his meds in the correct combination and eliminated some, or possibly all of them, without alerting me or anyone.”

The door opened and I could hear Michael’s footsteps moving back and forth along the floor. The door opened again.

“Michael.” It was a whisper, but I knew he’d come for him, as I expected. “What happened to the Professor?”

Crying. All I could hear was crying. This makes no sense. “Why? Why, Brian? I don’t know what happened.”

“It’s been about four years since his last episode. Maybe his judgment became fucked up again.”

“Why now?”

“I don’t know.”

“I thought I was enough for him. Didn’t I love him enough? I tried to be everything he wanted. I know I could never be Paul or take Paul’s place, but I thought he grew to love me at least as much.”

Paul! Why the fuck would he compare himself to Paul? I hated Paul after I learned he’d infected me. I wanted nothing to do with him, although I did go a bit over the deep end when Paul died.

Michael, it’s your turn with Brian. Now’s your chance.

“Look, Mikey, are you listening?”

“Yes I’m fucking listening. I hate when you say that. I’m not a child even though everyone, including Ben, thinks I am.”

“Good, then hear this…Ben loves you. Paul is dead to him both in mind and body.”

“How can you be so sure? It seems like he’s been distancing himself from me lately. I don’t know how to reach him. And now I might lose him.”

“You’re not going to lose him. Somehow, with your determination, combined with the rest of this fucked up family, we’ll force him to pull through.”

“Brian, he’s in a coma. Shouldn’t we let him rest?”

“No fucking way, Michael.”

“Huh?”

“Justin once told me that he knew I was near when he was bashed and in a coma because he could hear me talking to the nurse outside his room. I personally think he’s full of shit and was just dreaming, but who am I to argue?”

“Right, cause you never argue with anyone.”

“That’s my irritating Mikey. Now focus on your husband.”

Wait a minute this isn’t making any sense. Michael, you’re finally going to get your dream. This is your time to make Brian’s pity work in your favor. I understand your need. I won’t get in your way anymore.

“Look Michael, I need to go pick up Justin at the gallery. He was pissed that he couldn’t come with me now because his assistant was late.”

Michael, let him know that you don’t need Justin; that you just need Brian. The door is finally opened, walk through. I’ve always loved you and now I can finally give you what your heart truly desires.

“Michael, if I leave will you be okay?”

“Of course I will. I’m a big boy and I can take care of myself AND Ben.”

NO! Let him know you need him. He’ll stay.

“If you’re sure?”

“Brian, you go where you need to go, because I’m where I need to be.”

This isn’t making any sense. The door opened and closed. There’s a scraping of a chair across the floor and it stops close to my bed.

“Justin is fucking lucky.”

I knew it. Here it comes.

“The man he loves, his very own top…” Michael chuckles as he speaks. He must be imagining the irony of that phrase right about now. “His husband is healthy and they’re so happy.

“I wanted that for us, Ben. I wish I could have made you that happy. I thought I did. I guess I’m just not good enough to satisfy you.”

What the fuck!

“If I was positive, like you suggested so many years ago, we could have related better.”

Michael, are you out of your mind? I was crazed back then. I didn’t know what I was talking about.

“Maybe if I was positive we could have had a better relationship. I could have satisfied you as much as Justin satisfies Brian.”

You always satisfy me, don’t you know that.

“Brian confessed that he and Justin are doing it raw and have been since they had their private marriage ceremony. I have to admit that I’m jealous.”

Now some honesty.

“I wish we could have done it raw. I always wanted you to make me your own.”

What!

“What the fuck! Doctor, doctor come quick.”

The bed is moving. People running. I need to sleep. I don’t understand. This makes no sense.


[TBC]

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