BEFORE MY EYES

“I tell you, man, my whole life flashed in front of my eyes.” My partner smirks even as his hands wave in the air in front of him for emphasis. “Some of it was even worth reliving, if you know what I mean.”

I grunt in response as I carefully drive my Ford truck towards Prospect Street. I listen to Blair ramble on as he rides the adrenaline wave from this afternoon’s bust. My partner hasn’t even started the Academy so his presence at the crime scene today was going to raise all sorts of nasty questions. I’d hurriedly obeyed when Simon, in his best Captain’s voice, ordered me to ‘get the kid out of here before all hell breaks loose’.

“That ever happen to you, Jim? I mean, you’ve been in a lot of dangerous situations. You know, I think time actually did stop when he started to pull that trigger.”

“Something like that,” I admit.

Blair nods in agreement then starts babbling about fear induced visions.

‘Yeah, something like that. Only I see the future, kid. Not the past.’ I relegate my partner’s lecture to back burner and remember how at certain times of my life I saw my future stretching out in front of me.

‘Dad, is Mama ever coming back?’

‘No. And you’re not to mention her again. Do you understand?’

Time stopped for me at that moment. I saw a future before my eyes without my mother. Never again would she tuck me in at night even though my father said I was getting ‘too old for that nonsense’. Never again would she wipe tears from my face and kiss a bruised knee or scraped elbow ‘to make it better’. Never again would she reach out to hug me just because we both wanted it.

‘Do you want people to think you’re a freak? Do you, Jimmy?!’

‘No, Dad.’

Time stopped for me at that moment. I saw a future before my eyes that was filled with lies. From being told never to lie, I saw my future would consist of lying that I didn’t see something, hear something, smell something, feel something, or taste something that no one else could.

Good boys tell the truth. Bad boys lie.

‘You understand, Lieutenant, that once you sign this paper, you can never tell anyone about your missions or what you actually do in the military? Not your parents, your wife, your lover, your children…no one. You’re clear on that?’

‘Yes, Colonel. Perfectly clear.’

Time stopped for me at that moment. I saw a future before my eyes that was filled with even more lies. To be honest, I didn’t care at that point. I didn’t have a family or any real friends. Who was I going to impress with war stories? Some woman that I’d say goodbye to after a few dates?

‘This marriage isn’t working, Jimmy. I’m not happy, and you’re not happy. The best thing to do is get a divorce before we’re at each other’s throats even more than we already are. Right?’

‘Right, Carolyn.’

Time stopped for me at that moment. I saw a future before my eyes that was even emptier than it had been before. I was so clueless that I never saw the divorce coming until she brought it up. Sure, I knew we had problems. But so does every married couple. My one attempt at creating my own family had failed. As for friends? Who wanted to be friends with a clueless liar with a chip on his shoulder the size of Mt. Rushmore?

‘Jim! Do you hear a heartbeat? Jim?!’

‘No…no…’

Time stopped for me at that moment. I saw a future before my eyes that was dark and bleak. Inky black clouds shrouded my vision even as I began breathing into Sandburg’s mouth. No guide. No light. No warmth. Just the knowledge of another lie that weighed heavily on my heart.

‘You think I’m joking?! You think I’m just some pathetic loser?!’

‘Put the gun down!’

Time stopped for me today. Senses cranked high, I saw Conrad’s finger tightening on the trigger. A half-second later, the gun at Sandburg’s head would have gone off sending a .38 calibre bullet slamming into that genius brain of his. But my reflexes were better than Conrad’s…and Sandburg’s sense of survival kicked in. The kid ducked just as I fired the shot that landed right between Conrad’s eyes…a shot that froze his reflexes so he couldn’t fire his own gun.

‘No past for me, Chief. All I see is a future.’ I park the truck and watch as Sandburg, still talking about some primitive tribe in the South Pacific, climbs out and walks across the street.

And time stops for me a second time today. Is this the future I want?

Before I know it, I’m out of the truck and running across the street. Blair’s waiting at the door, looking back at me in confusion. “Jim?”

“Upstairs, Chief. We have to talk.”

We’re halfway up the stairs when Blair looks over his shoulder at me. “Today wasn’t my fault, Jim. I didn’t th…”

“I know it wasn’t,” I interrupt. “Keep moving.”

Three steps higher, and he looks over his shoulder at me again. “Is something wrong?”

“Move it, Junior.”

Two steps higher, and he stops. Turning, he puts his hands on his hips. “Are your senses acting up?” he whispers.

“No. And keep going.”

Sighing heavily, he obeys.

By the time we reach the third flood, Blair’s muttering something under his breath about ‘Sentinels’ and ‘time of the month’. But I don’t care enough to figure it out. I’d probably be insulted if I did. But he has the door unlocked and open by the time I reach it. His jacket’s off and hanging on the hook by the door when I close and lock the door. He watches me with narrowed eyes as I pull off my own jacket and hang it up.

“Okay, what’s so…” He stops when I put a hand in the air.

“I’m talking, so listen and listen good.” I wait until he nods once and folds his arms across his chest. “I’ve never seen my life flash before my eyes. When time for that happens, I’m thinking about surviving the moment. But I’ve seen my future a lot of times. Time stops for a second or so, and I see what my life is going to be like. It happened again today, and I don’t like what I saw.” I begin pacing back and forth, knowing that the kid is watching me with more and more concern.

“I didn’t like what I saw when my old man told me my mother wasn’t ever coming back and never to mention her again. I didn’t like what I saw when he told me to be normal or everybody would think I was a freak. I didn’t like what I saw when I took an Oath of Silence in the military. I didn’t like it when Carolyn said she wanted a divorce. I sure as hell didn’t like it when we pulled you from that fountain at Rainier! And I sure as fucking hell didn’t like what I saw today!”

I spin around to see Blair’s blue eyes as wide as I’ve ever seen them. Arms that had been crossed over his chest were now hanging to each side of his body. “I never wanted a future without my mother, but there was nothing I could do about it. I never wanted a future where I lied about myself, but as a kid I didn’t have a choice. I did choose that in the military; and in some ways I’m glad ‘cause I don’t want to you know some of the things I did.”

“Aw, Jim.”

“I thought I didn’t want a future without Carolyn, but what I didn’t want was a future without a family. She just wasn’t it.” I walked to where Sandburg stood and stared down at him. “I don’t want a future without you in it. What happened at that fountain…what nearly happened today…I don’t want that. Do you understand?”

“Sure I understand.”

I shake my head. “No, you don’t.”

“I don’t?”

I put both hands on Blair’s shoulders. “I want you in my future. Every day. I want to spend years bitching at you about hair in the drain and wet towels on the floor. I want to spend years hearing you bitch at me about anal house rules and color-coded Tupperware. I want years of yelling at you to say in the truck and you tell me that you need to back me up.” I gently pull him closer to me. “I’ve come damn near to losing you too many times. I don’t want a future where we come home after a day like today and just blow off steam.”

I lower my voice to barely about a whisper. I want a future where we come home after a day like today and show how much in love we are with each other. I want to hold you close to me, and I want you to hold me close to you. I want to kiss you just before I go to sleep and then kiss you again as soon as I wake up.” I gently squeeze his shoulders. “I love you, Blair Sandburg. And, unless I’m very very mistaken, you love me just as much.”

I watch Blair blink his eyes several times. “When did you know?” he whispers.

“Blair, you’ve put up with more of my shit than anyone ever has without walking away with a few choice comments about me, my lineage, and my attitude. You’re either a masochist or deeply in love with me.” I suddenly grin. “And you’re no masochist.” I pull him into my arms and squeeze him tightly. “You gave up your life for me,” I whisper. “First in that fountain and then with that press conference.”

“Jim, Alex was responsible for my drowning. And the press conference was something I had to do to make things right,” Blair mutters. “You know…”

“Can I make a suggestion?” I quickly interrupt. “How about we relegate all that stuff to the past where it belongs. Can we just start…now?”

“Can you?” Blair quietly asks, looking up at him as his hands rest lightly on my hips.

I lean down and bury my face into his curls. I breathe deeply, taking his scent deep into my lungs. “I sure can,” I reply. “It’s a done deal.” I pull back and stare into his eyes. “So, Blair Sandburg, do you love me? Do we have a future together?”

Time stops for me at this moment, and I hold my breath.

“James Ellison, I love you. And I want that future with you.”

I break into joyful laughter as I see the best possible future before my eyes.


April 19, 2009

 

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