What If?

Brian sat in his office trying to work. He’d gone for his bi-annual testing yesterday and was waiting for the doctor to call back and confirm that he was, in fact, negative. Even though he was always careful, Brian made it a point to get tested every six months. He tried to concentrate on his work, but he just couldn't. For some reason, he was actually worried this time. He remembered overhearing one of his tricks at Babylon a few days ago. Something the man said prompted Brian to get tested a couple of weeks early.

"I've just fucked Brian Kinney, in more ways than one," he'd said with a smirk to some of his friends. They’d all laughed. That left a sinking feeling in the pit of Brian's stomach and it was everything he could do to keep from running to the twenty-four hour free clinic to get tested right then and there. Brian had never really been scared about anything in his life, but for some reason, now, he was terrified.

Every time the phone rang, Brian jumped about ten feet. He waited, actually holding his breath, as Cynthia answered the phone, then would let it out when she said that it was a client, or that it was Vance. A couple of times it’d been Mikey. He tried to make the calls as short as possible so that he could free up the lines in case his doctor called. That was a little stupid considering that there were multiple lines, but he did it anyway.

As Brian was getting ready to leave the office for the day, his cell phone rang. Brian froze as he remembered that he’d left his cell number with his doctor as his form of contact. Slowly, he picked up the phone and answered it. He listened for a minute. Cynthia was standing in the doorway. She’d known that he'd been waiting for a call from his doctor and she watched intently.

"We got your test results back today and we'll need you to come in so we can talk about them." Everything after that was lost on Brian. All the blood drained from his face and he looked like he was about to fall over. After a few minutes he managed to say okay, then turned his phone off. He looked at Cynthia.

"What's wrong?" she asked, her voice shaking slightly. Brian swallowed hard.

"They...they want me to come in." He sat down hard in his chair. From the look on Cynthia's face it was obvious that she too understood what that meant. She didn't say anything, just had this sad look on her face. Finally, Brian stood, though he was visibly shaking. "I...I guess I better get going." He grabbed his things and mechanically started to leave the office, not really paying attention to anything.

After sitting in the waiting room for forty-five minutes, he was finally taken back into one of the rooms. He sat waiting for another ten minutes before the doctor came in and confirmed his worst fear. He was positive. Brian Kinney was HIV positive. The doctor explained that he would have to change some things about his life. He'd have to stop drinking, stop drugging. It would be best if he would stop smoking, but that wasn't necessary. Brian just sat there staring at the floor as the doctor wrote out the prescriptions he'd need. Now he understood what that trick meant. Why couldn't he remember the guy's name? What the man said scared Brian to the point that he hadn't had a trick since him, and now he wouldn't have another trick again as long as he lived.

The doctor left to give him a few minutes alone. When he was finally alone, his chest tightened and a lump formed in his throat as one name made its way to the surface of his mind: Justin. He hadn't fucked Justin in almost a week so he was pretty sure the kid was safe, but he'd have him come get tested anyway. Everybody knows that condoms aren't one hundred percent effective and he didn't want to take any chances. Finally, he managed to get up and leave the doctor's office. He stopped by the pharmacy and dropped off his prescriptions, saying he'd be back later to pick them up, then he went immediately to Debbie's.

"Hey, Brian," Debbie said as she answered the door. She could tell something was wrong as soon as she looked at his face.

"I...I need to talk to Vic," he said, not meeting her gaze.

"He's out back," she answered him, concern evident in her voice. Brian nodded his thanks, then moved past her, into the house and out the back door. In all the years she'd known Brian he'd never come over specifically to talk to Vic. She sat down on the couch and put her face in her hands, afraid of what it might mean.

Vic was in the backyard, digging in a small garden in one corner. Brian moved over next to him and stood there, watching him. He didn't say anything as he watched Vic work. Finally, the other man noticed that he was not alone and looked up.

"Hey, Brian. Deb's inside." Then he went back to work.

"I...I actually...I came to talk to you." Brian looked away, hands shoved in his pockets. Vic looked up at him again, this time concerned. The last time Brian acted this way around Vic was when he was barely fourteen years old and was trying to figure out whether or not he was gay. Vic stood and wiped his hands, then looked at Brian.

"Everything okay?" Vic asked, though he thought he knew the answer. Brian shaking his head only confirmed Vic's thoughts. That was when Vic noticed a tear rolling its way down Brian's cheek. This had to be something serious because Vic had never seen Brian cry before.

"I...I just…." he sighed and took a deep breath, then looked Vic in the eye. “You and I have one more thing in common," was all he could manage to get to come out. Vic looked at him for a minute before reality dawned on him.

"When did you find out?"

"I came here straight from the doctor's office." Brian's gaze had fallen back to the ground.

"Do you know who it was?" Vic asked.

"Yeah, but I never got his name. Something he said to some of his friends scared the shit out of me so..." he stopped and looked up again.

"Must have been pretty serious to scare you, Brian." Vic was being serious.

"He told his friends that he’d just fucked me in more ways than one." Brian sighed heavily. "How could I have been so stupid?" Vic put a hand on Brian's shoulder.

"You weren't stupid, Brian. You didn't know. How could you? I mean...do you honestly make it a point to ask everyone you fuck if they're positive?" Brian scoffed. "I didn't think so. But, to be honest, I wouldn't expect you to. The last thing you're thinking about right then is whether or not the guy's positive."

"I don't get it...I mean...I'm always careful." He moved away from Vic's hand and started to pace.

"Being careful isn't one hundred percent effective, Brian. You know that," Vic said. Brian once again sighed and nodded.

"What am I gonna do?" He looked into Vic's eyes pleadingly.

"You take it one day at a time. You deal with it. And...you don't let it get you down. Get on with your life like nothing's wrong."

"How the hell am I supposed to tell Justin?" Brian asked before he could stop himself. "How am I going to tell anybody?" He looked down again, digging the toe of his boot into the soft soil. Vic walked up and put his hands on Brian's shoulders.

"You just do it. Short, sweet and to the point. Don't sugar coat it. Brian, they all love you, especially Justin. They won't turn away. They won't laugh. They won't say 'I told you so.' They'll be there for you." Then he pulled Brian into a hug. For the first time in all the time Vic had known him, Brian let himself get hugged, and actually hugged back, resting his head on Vic's shoulder. After a few minutes, Brian's shoulders started to shake as he cried. Vic just held him and rubbed his back as he cried. This was something that Brian needed to do. If it helped him move on, Vic would be his shoulder to cry on.

Brian decided he wanted to tell Justin in private. It was only fair. He was going to tell everybody else all at once, but Justin deserved to be alone with him when he found out. He didn't want Justin to feel he had to hold anything back. So he invited Justin over for dinner. Justin had been shocked, thinking it was a joke at first, but then he agreed to come to the loft for dinner. Brian made sure that he was careful as he sliced the chicken. He was actually going to cook for Justin. Brian was a good cook, he just didn't like to cook all that much. He thought that it would be a nice surprise for Justin.

Right at seven o'clock the buzzer sounded. Justin had a key, but he didn't like to use it unless he had to. Brian moved over and buzzed him in, then opened the door and moved back to finish up with dinner. Justin smiled when he saw Brian in the kitchen.

"You actually cooked?" Justin asked as he shut the door and pulled off his jacket. Brian simply nodded and finished stirring the rice.

"Should be ready in a couple of minutes," Brian said. The table was already set. All Justin had to do was sit and wait.

"Did you make dessert too?" Justin asked. He had that sensual tone to his voice, indicating what he really wanted for dessert. When Brian shook his head, an evil gleam came to those blue eyes. Brian couldn't keep the smile from his lips. When everything was finally done, he served the food and took a seat. In the center of the table were two white candles and a bouquet of deep red roses. Justin took a bite of the meal before him.

"This is really good." He took another bite and smiled. Brian let out the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding and started eating.

After they finished eating and the dishwasher was running, Brian refilled their wine glasses then moved to the couch. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, thinking of how he was going to do this. Justin came and sat beside him and smiled. When Brian set his glass on the coffee table, Justin did likewise, then almost pounced on Brian. He was kissing Brian over and over again on the lips, then started to slowly move down to his neck. Brian closed his eyes, enjoying it for a moment before he was brought back to reality.

"Stop," he said quietly. When Justin didn't comply, he said it a bit more forcefully. "Stop!" This brought Justin up short.

"But I thought..." Justin began.

"That's not why I invited you over," Brian said with a sigh. Justin looked him up and down, then got up, obviously angry.

"I don't fucking believe this. You invite me over and actually cook dinner for me, all to butter me up before you dump me?" Justin was pacing by now, and he was very angry.

"Justin, I..."

"I don't want to fucking hear it," Justin interrupted. "You are such a fucking asshole, you know that? Such a fucking prick!" He started to leave.

"Justin...I'm positive," Brian managed to blurt out. His words stopped the young man in his tracks. Justin turned and looked at Brian.

"What?"

"I...I'm positive. That's why I invited you over, and cooked you dinner. I...I wanted to soften the blow when I told you." Brian looked down when a look of horror crossed Justin's face.

"How long have you known?" There was a hint of anger in his voice that made Brian cringe.

"I just found out this afternoon. I...I think I know who it was, and we haven't fucked since then so...you should be safe, but you might want to get tested just to be sure." Brian started to move toward the bedroom. Justin followed and looked at him, not saying anything. Brian sighed. "I'll understand if you want to leave..."

"No," Justin cut him off. He walked over and pulled Brian into his arms, holding him close. "God, Brian, I love you. I would never leave. Especially not now. Not when you need me the most." He started to slowly rub Brian's back. This brought on a fresh wave of tears and Brian buried his face in Justin's shoulder as he cried. He’d known that Justin loved him, but he was wary of whether that love was truly unconditional or not. The fact that someone actually did love him so completely was almost more than Brian could bear. They stood there, holding each other, for several minutes. Soon, Justin's own eyes began to spill tears.

Before long, they lay in bed, wrapped in each other's arms. As Justin slept, Brian lay there awake looking at him. He smiled as he watched Justin, his chest rising and falling slightly with each breath. As long as I have him, Brian thought, I can get through this. Brian lightly kissed Justin's forehead, so as not to wake him.

"I love you, baby," he whispered softly before drifting off to the first peaceful sleep he'd had in the last week.

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