When You Think of Me

You look so peaceful sleeping

You don't know that I'm leaving, but I'm gone

I did my best to beat them

But in my head the demons said move on

When you wake up you're gonna curse my name

But as some times I hope and pray

When you think of me

Remember the way that I used to be

Remember the times I held you tenderly

Remember the way that I love you

I think about the night I met you

I swore I'd never forget you, well I won't

I think about the way you'll live and breathe inside my dreams forever.

You'll be better when I'm gone, you'll be better when I'm gone

'Cause I know you're gonna fall in love again

I'm sorry this is how it has to end.

But when you think of me

Remember the way that I used to be

Remember the times I held you tenderly

Remember the way that I love you

Oh, when you think of me.

As I pick up these bags and turn around

I say a little pray and hope some how

When you think of me

Remember the way that I used to be

Remember the times I held you tenderly

Remember the way that I love you

When you think of me

Remember the way that I used to be

Remember the times I held you tenderly

Remember the way that I love you

Oh when you think of me.

When you think of me.

When you think of me.

When you think of me.

I hate that I have to do this, but I just can't stay anymore. I realize that it's wrong to leave this way. He's asleep and doesn't even know that I'm packing and getting ready to leave his life, probably forever. I look over at the bed and watch him sleeping. He's so beautiful when he sleeps. He's always got this innocent look to him, almost like he's a kid again. He looks so peaceful and happy. If he only knew what he would be waking up to.

I know that he's probably going to hate me when he first wakes up, and I wouldn't blame him. If I were in his shoes, I'd be mad too. But I just can't stay. I'm only hurting him by dragging this out any longer. As much as I do love him, it's better if I leave. I try not to watch him sleeping, but I just can't. He's too gorgeous. The way his hair falls across his forehead, the blue lights that we left on reflecting off his smooth skin.

I have to go, it's the only way. I guess I better take my stuff somewhere that I can't see him while I pack, that should help a little. And I'm right. Moving everything into the living room has strengthened my resolve just enough to help me keep packing. I notice the shirt I was wearing the night we first met. I can't believe I remember what I was wearing.

A smile comes to my lips as I remember that night. God, he was so beautiful I just couldn't resist. Every word he uttered went straight to my cock and it was a given we were going to fuck. I will never regret that night and I know I’ll never forget it. I'll never forget him. How can I? He introduced love into my life. Made me feel important and wanted and special. I owe him for that.

He and I have had some really good times together and I know that I will always love him. I also know that he's better off without me. I'm only really holding him back from becoming someone much better than he already is. I'm only adding to his bad habits rather than trying to help him overcome the already existing ones. And I know that he will eventually fall in love again some day. He's got such a big heart, it's impossible to think that he won't. He may be bitter toward love for a while because of me, but that'll pass.

I've finally finished packing. I walk around to make sure that I got everything. I would hate to leave any reminder of the pain I’m about to cause him. I'm sure he'll probably want something to remember me by, but there are plenty of pictures of the two of us together. I take my favorite of the pictures, leaving him the rest. I smile as I look down at the first picture ever taken of the two of us together. It's hard to believe the picture is almost five years old.

I slip the picture into my pocket and look around one last time. Part of me is screaming to stay while the other part knows it's better that I don't. At the last minute I decide that it might be best if I leave him a note, explaining myself. He'll wonder what's going on if I don't. He needs to know that it's over and that he can move on with his life. He needs to know that I will always love him, but that it was the only choice I had. There’s been a voice inside my head screaming at me to leave for the past three years and I just couldn't do it. I didn't have the strength.

I sit down at the desk and type it out on the computer because my hands are shaking too badly to write it out. I want to make sure that he understands the way I feel. I can only pray that he doesn't hate me for this. I know he'll be sad, and upset. I wonder whom he'll turn to for comfort. I try not to think about that as I write the note. Once it's done I print it out. Luckily the sound of the printer didn't wake him. I forgot how sound a sleeper he is when he's really exhausted.

I actually decided to leave last night. I was going to leave Babylon early, making some kind of excuse, and then just leave before he got home. He changed all that, like I should have known he would. Spending the night in each other's arms, making passionate love until six in the morning did not help my resolve to carry out this decision one bit. I love him so much and I hate to hurt him, but it's really the only way.

I put the note in an envelope on the pillow beside him, knowing that he'll find it. I just can't resist touching him one more time, moving the hair away from his forehead. I can't say enough how beautiful he is when he's sleeping. Like an angel. His lips are slightly parted and so inviting that I just have to kiss them one last time. I lean down and barely touch my lips to his and suddenly my strength is gone. I close my eyes hoping that it'll return as tears make their slow trail down my cheeks.

With a deep, shuddering breath I finally gather up the courage needed to leave. I remember once being told it takes a stronger man to walk away. That has never been truer than it is right now because it is taking every ounce of strength I have to walk out that door. I walk over and pick up my bags, turning to look over my shoulder at him one last time. More tears go rolling down my cheeks as I turn and walk out the door, knowing the sound of the heavy metal clunk will wake him up. I can only pray that when he thinks of me he’ll only remember the good times we had.

Brian,

            I'm sorry that it has to be this way, but I just couldn't stay any longer. As much as I love you, and I hope you love me, this was a charade and we both know it. We've been going through the motions for the past three years and I just can't stand to watch you grow increasingly unhappy because of me. It's better that I leave. I know that it was cowardly to leave while you were asleep, but I don't think I could have handled the look on your face as you watched me go. Just know that I will always love you, no matter what. I hope that you’ll remember the good times we had together. There were a lot. Please don't try to find me. I don't even know where I'm going right now. I know you won't believe this but I do love you. Please don't give up on love again because of me. I'm sure there is someone out there that can make you really happy. Take care of yourself, Brian.

Justin.

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