Uomo Incinta

Part 2

Justin went straight from his classes to Brian’s house. When he got there he was a little surprised to see both Debbie’s car and his mom’s. He knew that Debbie was supposed to have been at work at six. It was almost seven. When he got into the house he was more confused because all of the lights were off. He walked over to Brian’s phone and tried to call his mom, sighing when he heard her cell phone going off on the coffee table. That’s when he decided to pull out his cell phone and check for messages.

“Justin, you need to get to the hospital right now. Brian’s water broke. He’s in labor. You need to hurry.” Jennifer’s voice sounded frantic. Justin started to worry. Brian was only eight months along and already in labor? After hearing the name of the hospital, Justin hung up and called a cab. He had no idea what time the message was left, he only hoped he wasn’t too late.

Justin barely gave the cab time to stop before running across the street and into the hospital. He searched frantically for the front desk of the emergency room. When he finally got there, Debbie was waiting for him. He ran up to her, panting.

“Where is he? Is he okay? Am I too late?” Justin asked. He didn’t like the look on Debbie’s face. He didn’t like it at all.

“Sweetie, maybe you should sit down.” She said. Justin really didn’t like the sound of that. He knew that it was a month early but lots of babies were born earlier than that and survived. His heart was pounding and he was sure his blood had been replaced with adrenaline.

“What’s wrong? Where’s Justine? Is she okay? I want to see her.”

“Justine is fine. She’s in the NICU right now but the doctor said it was strictly precaution. She’s actually very well developed for a premature baby. You can see her in a little bit.” She answered. Justin could hear in her voice that she was holding something back.

“What about Brian?” He asked. His heart sank at the sad look on Debbie’s face.

“They had to do an emergency c-section. His heart rate dropped really low and he blacked out in the ambulance on the way here. There were some complications.....”

“Debbie....where is he?”

“He’s in the ICU.” She said with a sigh. “He’s in a coma and they’re not sure he’s going to wake up. He flat lined during the surgery.” She had tears running down her cheeks at that point. Justin stared at her in shock. He couldn’t believe it. Their daughter was going to be just fine but Brian might die? It wasn’t fair.

“Can I see him?” His voice was completely devoid of emotion.

“Your mom is in there with him right now. The doctor said only one at a time” Debbie replied.

“I want to see Justine.” There was a determination in his voice that could not be denied.

“Come on.” Debbie said. She led him to the nursery area and over to a side door. She knocked lightly and one of the nurses came over.

“Can I help you?”

“He’s here to see the Taylor-Kinney baby.” Debbie explained. “He’s the Taylor.” The nurse checked Justin’s ID, then let him in. They slipped a surgical gown over his clothes and led him over to one of the incubators. Justin’s heart melted when he saw his little girl. She was small but not nearly as small as some of the other premies. They did have her on a couple of IV’s and had a tube down her throat to help her breathe.

“You can touch her if you’d like.” The nurse said. Justin smiled as he reached his hand into the hole in the side, gently stroking the soft, strawberry blonde hair. From what he could tell she looked a lot like him. The red came from Brian, though, and he was sure she’d have Brian’s hazel eyes. Tears started rolling down his cheeks as he thought about Brian. The sacrifice the man had made just to bring their child into the world. He couldn’t believe someone could love him that much.

“She really is beautiful.” The nurse said.

“She’s gorgeous.” Justin replied with a small smile.

Justin stayed in the NICU with Justine until Jennifer came to the door. He came out and immediately hugged his mother, crying on her shoulder. Jennifer was confused at first, just holding him and letting him cry.

“She’s so beautiful and tiny.” He said when he finally calmed down.

“She really is.” Jennifer agreed with a smile. “I can take you to see Brian if you want.”

“Please.” Justin said as he wiped his eyes. Jennifer nodded and they made their way into the ICU. The nurse buzzed them in and Jennifer led Justin over to the bed Brian was on. Justin’s knees nearly collapsed when he saw the older man, laying there with a tube down his throat. Justin made his way over to the chair beside the bed and took a seat, taking Brian’s hand. It was cold.

“I’ll be right outside.” Jennifer said, kissing Justin’s cheek before leaving. Justin watched his mother walk out before looking at Brian again. He sniffled as he reached up and moved some of the hair from Brian’s forehead.

“Hey, baby.” He smiled a little, sniffling. “I’m here. I’m sorry I didn’t get here sooner. I should have had my cell phone on. I came as soon as I could though.” He leaned down and kissed Brian’s cheek. “I saw Justine. She’s so beautiful. She’s got red hair. I’m pretty sure she gets that from you. She’s probably gonna have your eyes too. Thank god she got my nose.” He chuckled a little.

He sat there quietly for a moment, simply holding Brian’s hand and occasionally stroking his hair. After a few minutes he leaned in close and whispered in Brian’s ear.

“I love you, Brian. I always have and I always will.” His voice started to shake. “Please wake up. We need you.” With one final kiss on the cheek, Justin got up to leave, unable to take the sight any longer. He suddenly understood why Brian never went to see him in the hospital. Seeing the person you love like that and being unable to do anything about it was just too painful.







It had been a month since Justine was born and there was no change in Brian. Though he’d had the presence of mind to have a living will drawn up, he hadn’t gotten around to signing it so there was nothing anyone could do but wait. When Brian’s mother found out, she’d tried to pull the plug. He’d been in a coma for all of a week at that point. Luckily Brian made it so legally his family couldn’t make that decision.

Justin was some what excited because he was going to get to take Justine home. It seemed that he spent every waking moment at the hospital, sleeping only for a couple of hours in Brian’s bed before showering and going back. If he wasn’t in the room with Brian, sketching silently or telling Brian about the latest news, he was in the nursery with Justine. Though she was only about a month old Justin already had almost two sketch books filled with drawings of his daughter.

He still couldn’t believe that he was a father. He never thought he’d be a father at all, let alone at the age of nineteen. As he made his way through the hospital he kept expecting someone to ask him to put the baby back. He was subconsciously waiting for Justine’s real parents to come take her away. Only the fact that she looked almost exactly like him made him realize that the little girl in his arms was in fact his.

When he got to the ICU, the nurse buzzed him in immediately. Though normally small children were not allowed in the area, Justin made special arrangements with the doctors and nurses in advance. He’d argued that maybe being able to have Justine close would give Brian the boost he needed to wake up. Maybe all Brian needed was a reminder of what he was living for. The nurses agreed immediately, most wanting to see the baby of which they’d heard so much about. It had taken some convincing but finally the doctors agreed. The nurse left her desk and came around to Justin.

“So, this is the illustrious Justine, hmm?” she asked with a smile. Justin returned the smile.

“Yes it is. She’s a month old today.” He answered.

“She’s so beautiful. Looks just like you.”

“Thanks. I’m pretty sure she’s going to have Brian’s coloring. I never had red hair as a child and her eyes are starting to turn green.”

“She’s going to be a serious heart breaker when she gets older.” The nurse smirked.

“That’s what I’m afraid of.” Justin sighed. They shared a laugh, the nurse knowing nothing of Brian’s history.

“Just so you know, there’s been no change.” The nurse said.

“Thanks. I better get back there.” Justin replied with a nod.

“Stop by here on your way out. I want to hold her.” The nurse chuckled before heading back to her desk. Justin smiled, then walked back to Brian’s bed. He cradled Justine against his chest as he sat in the chair that had become a permanent fixture.

“Hey, Brian. Look who’s here to see you.” He smiled sadly as he moved closer to the bed. Justin gently placed Justine on Brian’s chest, moving his hands so it appeared that he was holding her. She squirmed a little at first but the gentle beating of Brian’s heart calmed her. She fell asleep curled up in a little ball. She was so tiny compared to Brian. Justin sniffled, reaching up and wiping the tears away. He moved some of Brian’s hair off his forehead before kissing it.

“She knows who you are, Brian. She knows you’re her daddy.” He started stroking Brian’s hair. “She needs you, Brian. We all do. I can’t raise her on my own. I need you to come back to me, Bri. We both need you. Justine especially.” He sighed heavily. The doctors had already given up hope that Brian would ever wake up. Justin refused to believe Brian would abandon his little girl. He knew Brian would wake up, it was just a matter of when.

Justin sighed again and stood, gently removing Justine from Brian’s arms. Being awakened from her sleep and removed from what she obviously considered a comfortable position did not make Justine happy at all and she started crying. Justin tried to comfort her and calm her down. Looking down at Brian, he blinked, having sworn that he saw a finger move. After a moment, he shook his head, deciding it was just his imagination. He needed to get Justine home. While Justin had noticed the finger movement, Justine’s cries were enough to drown out the gradual increase in the speed of the heart monitor.







Justine’s first birthday was three weeks away and there was little change in Brian’s condition. About a week after Justine’s first visit Brian started breathing on his own but that was the only improvement. The fact that he was breathing on his own meant that they could do nothing but wait. Anything else would be too close to murder for anyone’s liking.

Justin made sure to visit Brian every day, occasionally bringing Justine with him. Once she was allowed to go home, Justine started growing very quickly. It wasn’t long before she looked the same as other children her age. You couldn’t tell that she was premature at all. Her hair was starting to turn from a light, strawberry blonde to a fiery red and she had the most amazing green eyes Justin had ever seen. She was absolutely beautiful and getting more so by the day.

Fortunately for Justin, Brian made it so that he had access to Brian’s bank accounts. Justin hadn’t known that the older man had changed all his accounts to joint accounts while they were living together and had never bothered to change it after they broke up. Vance was an understanding man and still paying Brian his base salary. Justin hadn’t realized how much of Brian’s income was actually bonuses, but it was still more than enough to get the bills paid.

Justin was getting ready to drop out of school to take care of Justine when his mother and Debbie stepped in. They took turns watching their granddaughter, Debbie insisted that she was Justine’s grandmother just as much as Jennifer was, while Justin went to class. On the days that neither of them were available, he took her to the on campus day care he’d learned about. He originally tried for that option, but neither woman would let him take away their time with their little angel.

“How’s Brian? Jennifer asked as Justin came inside. Every day after class Justin went by the hospital before coming home. After removing his shoes in the entryway so as not to dirty the carpet, Justin sat on the couch beside his mother and sighed heavily.

“There’s still no change.” Justin closed his eyes and leaned his head on the back of the couch. “I’m starting to think he’s never going to wake up.”

“You can’t give up hope, Justin. He did start breathing on his own.”

“Almost a year ago.” Justin responded. “I’ve tried everything. I see him every day. I take Justine to see him. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve told him I love him. Justine’s first word was dada and she was looking right at him when she said it. We’ve given him countless reasons to wake up, mom, and he just won’t.”

“Maybe he’s just not ready.” Jennifer took Justin’s hand in hers. “You said more than once that Brian didn’t think he was father material, even after Gus was born. It’s entirely possible that he thinks this is what’s best. That he’s not waking up because he thinks he won’t be a good father.”

“He’ll never know until he tries.” Justin said bitterly. Jennifer could tell that Justin was giving up. He’d made up his mind that Brian had abandoned both him and Justine and there was no changing it. She wondered what her son’s reaction would be were Brian to wake up. She looked at the clock.

“I have to go get Molly. Justine is napping right now.” She said as she stood. She gathered up her things, then stood behind the couch and put a hand on Justin’s shoulder. “Don’t give up yet. There’s still a chance.” She said before kissing the top of Justin’s head and leaving. Justin sighed and rubbed his hands over his face. He didn’t know how much more of this he could take.

When Justin walked into the ICU and found Brian’s bed empty, he started to panic fearing the worst. It was two days before Justine’s birthday and Justin was certain they’d be celebrating it with a funeral. He tried very hard to remain calm. He didn’t want to lose it until he knew for sure what was going on. He had to find a doctor or a nurse or somebody that could tell him what the fuck was going on.

“Justin.” Nurse Anderson said, causing Justin to jump. They’d had a lot of time to get to know each other over the past year.

“Hey, Jordan.” Justin smiled a little.

“Didn’t mean to scare you.” Jordan said.

“It’s okay. Um.....where’s Brian?” Worry was thick in Justin’s tone. Jordan smiled widely.

“He woke up. He’s been moved to room 475.”

“Why didn’t anyone call me?” Justin asked, slightly angered.

“We tried and got no answer.” Jordan responded. Justin pulled out his cell phone and sure enough it was off. He blushed slightly.

“Where’s 475?” Justin, thankfully, wasn’t familiar with the entire hospital. Just the path from the front door to the ICU.

“Rehab wing.” Jordan answered. Justin nodded his thanks, then started to head in that direction. It made sense that Brian would be taken there. His muscles had lain dormant for a year. They’d probably atrophied horribly. It would most likely take a long time for Brian to get his strength back. At least he’s awake, Justin thought to himself as he headed towards Brian’s room, unable to keep the smile off his face.







When Justin got to room 475 it was empty and he sighed heavily. It seemed as if they were sending him on a never ending goose chase for Brian. Before he could turn and complain to someone, he saw a nurse wheeling Brian down the hallway. He’d apparently just been to the barber to have a hair cut and a shave. During the year that Brian was comatose, those aspects of his hygiene weren’t on the top of the list. Brian smiled slightly when he saw Justin, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes.

“Hey.” He said in a soft whisper.

“Hey.” Justin responded. He moved out of the way so that the nurse could take Brian into the room. Justin moved over and helped the nurse get Brian into bed, then sat down on the side of the bed and took the older man’s hand. “How you feeling?”

“Better now.”

“Hair cut and a shave helped a lot, huh?” Justin asked.

“Yeah. I got a real bath too, not just a sponge bath.” Brian really smiled this time. “I felt so grungy.”

“I know a nice hot bath always makes me feel better.” Justin said, returning the smile. They were quiet for several minutes, both smiles fading. Finally, Justin couldn’t take it. He smacked Brian.

“What the fuck was that for?!” Brian asked, astonished that Justin would hit him.

“For leaving me to raise our daughter alone for a year! Do you have any idea how hard it’s been? She knows who you are, Brian. She knows you’re dada. And all I could do when she would ask for dada is bring her here to a fucking vegetable.” He was up and pacing now.

“It’s not like I had a choice, Justin!” Brian yelled back, his voice raspy from lack of use.

“You abandoned us, Brian. Both of us!” Justin was trying very hard to keep from crying.

“It’s not what I wanted.” Brian said softly. “You think I wanted to miss out on her first year? On feeding her and holding her, singing her to sleep at night, watching her take her first step, hearing her first word....”

“Dada.” Justin said.

“What?” Brian asked, confused.

“Her first word was dada and she was lying on your chest as she said it.” Justin wasn’t looking at Brian. That realization caused unshed tears to form in Brian’s eyes. His little girl knew who he was, even if he wasn’t there to hold her. Justin turned to look at Brian when he remained quiet. He couldn’t stay mad at Brian. There was just something about him. Justin walked over and took Brian into his arms. Brian’s arms were still weak and he couldn’t muster the strength to even return the hug.

“I didn’t want this, Justin.” Brian said with a sob.

“I know.” Justin sighed, stroking Brian’s hair. “I know, but you’re awake now, that’s what matters.”

“They said it could be months before I’m strong enough to hold her.” Brian leaned back against his pillows. “I’ve missed out on some of the most important parts of our baby’s life and I still can’t fucking hold her!” Tears rolled down his cheeks.

“It’s okay, Brian. It’ll take time but you’ll get there.”

“When? Justin, she’s probably getting bigger every day. The longer I take to get up the strength to hold her, the longer it’ll be before I can.”

“That’s ridiculous, Brian. At the very least she’s going to hit a plateau at some point. It’s not like she gains weight every day. Just give it time, Brian. Don’t give up.”

“How can you possibly sit there and be so calm about this? I have to completely relearn how to use my arms and legs! Hell, Justine is more coordinated than I am right now.” Brian sighed and turned his face away.

“I know what you’re going through, Brian, trust me.”

“How can you possibly know?” Brian said, looking back at Justin. Justin’s only response was to lift his hand and draw attention to the scar at his right temple. Brian sighed and looked down. Justin was right. He knew what Brian was going through. He didn’t know exactly what Brian was going through but he’d had to relearn to use his right hand. “I’m sorry.” Brian whispered.

“It’s okay, really. I know you’re angry and frustrated. Just.....focus that anger into your therapy. Work to be your best as fast as possible. Just don’t push yourself too far too fast or you’ll end up getting hurt.” Justin said. Brian simply nodded. They were once again quiet. It was a comfortable silence between the two of them. After a few minutes, Brian looked back up at Justin.

“What does she look like?” He asked. He smiled slightly when Justin pulled a picture out of his wallet. Justin moved so that he was sitting beside Brian on the bed, facing the same direction. He held the picture out for Brian to see. Tears welled up in the older man’s eyes immediately and he smiled. “She’s so beautiful.”

“Mom says she looks like me with your coloring.” Justin slid an arm around Brian’s shoulders. Brian rested his head on Justin’s shoulder as he stared at the picture.

“She doesn’t look anything like me.” Brian said. Justin could have sworn Brian was pouting.

“She’s got your ears, and I know she didn’t get that red hair or those green eyes from me.” Justin smiled a little. Brian sniffled and Justin reached up, stroking his hair. Brian smiled slightly, comforted by the touch he’d missed for so long. He closed his eyes for a second and took a deep breath, reveling in the calming effect of the blonde’s touch. He opened his eyes again and looked up at Justin, looking him in the eye.

“She’s a little angel.” He said softly.

“She’s our little girl.” Justin responded, returning Brian’s gaze. They stared into each others’ eyes for what seemed like an eternity. Neither one pulled back or seemed shocked when they came together in a loving, tender kiss.







It had been two years since Brian woke up. They were making preparations for Justine’s third birthday and Brian was trying to help as much as he could. Though the therapy had done wonders to get the man back on his feet, the doctors said he wouldn’t improve past needing a cane to get around. The lack of use had caused problems with an old knee injury that made it impossible for Brian to be able to walk without any assistance at all. He’d resigned himself to this fact without much of a problem. Justin had gotten him a beautiful cedar cane with a gold handle on it.

Shortly after Brian was released from the hospital it was decided that Justin would continue to live in the house. He’d already been there for almost two years at that point, there was no point in making him find a new home. He started out in the spare bedroom which had originally been planned for Brian’s office. After only a couple of months, however, he’d moved into the bedroom with Brian. They’d made sure that Justine’s bedroom was on the opposite side of the house from the bedroom they shared so that any noise they might make wouldn’t wake her.

Not long after Brian woke up it was decided that he would go ahead and retire from Vanguard as he did not know when he would be able to return to work and it was unfair to hold his position for him indefinitely. This way Vance could get someone that could do the job rather than someone still in the hospital going through physical therapy. Vance agreed, however, to continue to pay Brian’s full salary as his pension. He’d been more than generous the entire time and had explained that it was because Brian was the best he’d ever worked with and he genuinely liked the man. This made it so that neither Brian nor Justin absolutely had to work, though Justin chose to get a part time job to stave off boredom.

“Come on, daddy!” Justine called as she came running out of her bedroom. She’d dressed herself in a purple shirt, a red, white and blue skirt, her bright pink shoes and she had haphazardly placed an orange barrette in her hair. Brian was standing in the kitchen finishing up the breakfast dishes. He’d promised Justine that they’d go shopping for the finishing touches to her Barbie in Swan Lake party.

“What on earth are you wearing?” Brian asked as he looked at his daughter.

“I dressed myself!” She said proudly. Justin came out of the bedroom and stopped in the doorway to the living room, watching the two with a smirk on his face. Brian looked up at Justin and saw the blond shake his head, then he looked back down at his daughter.

“You look wonderful, baby.” Though inwardly he cringed. He didn’t want her to think he wasn’t proud of her ability to dress herself. Justin said her style of randomly throwing colors together proved she was going to be an artist. She was the only three year old either of them knew, save for Gus, that drew actual people and managed to color inside the lines. And her vocabulary was that of a seven year old. With the genes of two geniuses no less was expected.

“Can we go now please?!” She asked jumping up and down. Brian couldn’t keep himself from chuckling.

“Alright, get your jacket.” Brian said. She was a flash of red curls as she ran back to her room to get her jacket. Though it wasn’t cold outside, it was cloudy and cool and threatening to rain and Brian didn’t want to take any chances. He’d practically had a heart attack the first time Justine got a fever having never dealt with a sick child before.

“Just think, in a few hours the house will be full of three year olds.” Justin said with a smirk.

“I don’t know why you’re telling me, you’re the one that has to deal with them.” Brian smirked in return. He’d ended up with a doctor’s appointment about half an hour before the party was supposed to start. He’d tried to reschedule, having actually wanted to be there, but there was no way around it. He had to see the doctor this week and the next available appointment was in a month. Justin came over and poked Brian in the side playfully before kissing his lips.

“I’m ready!” Justine said as she stood in the doorway. She’d actually been standing there for a couple of minutes but she liked it when her daddies kissed. It always made her feel happy because she knew they loved each other and they loved her very much.

“Alright, goober, let’s go.” Brian smiled, giving Justin one more quick peck before heading toward the door. Justine stopped to hug Justin’s legs before following Brian out the door. Once Justine was firmly strapped into the car, Brian went around and got in, heading toward the party store. They’d managed to get everything they needed except for the plates, napkins, cups and table cloth that went along with the theme. Brian wanted to wait until the day of the party because the year before Justine had gotten into everything needed for her party and it all had to be replaced. They also had to go to the store and pick up her cake.

“So, what do you think you’re getting for your birthday?” Brian asked as they drove along.

“Um...a Barbie.” Justine said after thinking a minute. Brian smiled.

“Anything else?”

“Don’t want anyting else.” Justine said and Brian laughed. She had to get that from Justin. Justine was the only three year old he’d ever known that was very practical about what she got. He also knew that whatever she got for her birthday would be just what she wanted. At Christmas that had been the proclamation every time she’d opened a gift. “It’s just what I wanted!”

“And what will you tell everyone that comes to the party?”

“It was very nice of you to come.” Justine said with a proud smile. They’d been practicing that for weeks. Brian knew it’d be a big hit with the parents. They went to the stores and got the needed supplies, then started to head home. Brian looked at the clock and saw that it was nearly lunch time. They hadn’t yet gone to get the cake so he felt safe in stopping to get a bite to eat.

“Wanna go see Grandma Deb?” Brian asked as he looked in the rearview mirror.

“Not really.” Justine said, crossing her arms over her chest.

“But I thought you love Grandma Deb?” Brian frowned slightly. Justine had never turned down a chance to see Debbie before.

“She’s loud and she pinches my cheek.” Justine pouted. “I don’t like that.”

“I’m sure if you tell her you don’t like it, she’ll stop, baby.” Brian said calmly. He understood the feeling completely.

“Okay.” Justine said, perking up a little bit. Brian pulled up near the diner and got out, going around and helping Justine out of the car. She’d already learned out to unbuckle her seatbelt, though they were working on her buckling it on her own. Hand in hand the two of them crossed the street and went into the diner.

“Hey there sweetie!” Debbie said as she made her way over to them. “How’s my cutie?” She bent down and pinched Justine’s cheek. Justine looked at her for a minute.

“Gramma, please may you stop doing that?” She asked as politely as possible. Brian tried very hard not to laugh.

“Stop what?” Debbie stood up, looking slightly confused.

“Pinching my cheek. It hurts and I don’t like it.” The little voice still held a polite tone.

“I....oh I’m sorry, sweetie. Of course I’ll stop.” She bent down and kissed Justine’s cheek, gently wiping the lipstick off before leading them to an empty booth. “She really amazes me, Brian.”

“I know.” Brian said with a smile. They sat on the same side of the booth, Justine snuggling up against Brian’s side.

“Let me guess.” Debbie started without pulling out her order pad. “Turkey on whole wheat, no mayo and grilled cheese for the little lady?”

“Daddy? Please may I have mac and cheese?” Justine asked Brian, batting her eyelashes and looking for the world like Justin when he wanted something. As was the case with Justin, Brian couldn’t resist that face on his little girl.

“Mac and cheese is fine.” Brian said to Debbie. He mouthed for her to bring extra napkins before she went to put in the order. “Are you gonna wear the dress that Grandma Jen bought for you?” Brian asked.

“Oh yes!” Justine said. “I love that dress!” It was pink and frilly and Brian and Justin had a hard time keeping Justine from pulling it out of her closet and putting it on. She wanted to wear it all the time.

“I’m sure she’ll be happy to see you in it.” He said with a smile. It wasn’t long before the food came and the two of them started eating. Justine sat in Brian’s lap, making it difficult for him to eat his sandwich but he managed, using one hand to occasionally wipe Justine’s mouth.

“I wish you could be at my party, daddy.” Justine pouted as they were on their way to pick up the cake.

“I know, baby, but I have to go see the doctor. She wants to make sure everything is okay.” He smiled at her in the mirror. “I promise I’ll get there as soon as I can, okay?”

“Stupid doctor.” Justine continued to pout. Brian sighed heavily. He knew he couldn’t win. He had to go see Dr Stephenson again. It was his first real check up since Justine was born. She’d been trying to get him in to see her since then but with physical therapy and everything else that was going on at the time, Brian just couldn’t fit it in. This was going to be the first of many regular visits. Brian had just enough time to drop everything off and get Justine bathed and changed before he had to leave for his appointment. He kissed her on the cheek and made her promise to be a good girl before heading out the door to Dr Stephenson’s office.

“Hi Brian!” Margaret said cheerfully. She got up and came around the desk, hugging him. She’d heard about what happened and was very happy to see him up and about, having not gotten the chance to see him before now. Brian hugged back and kissed her cheek before the two parted and Margaret resumed her seat.

“Hey, Margie.” Brian smirked when she cringed.

“You’re a little early. I’ll let her know you’re here.” She said before going back into the back, Brian’s file in hand. She came back a couple of minutes later and told Brian he could go on back. Dr Stephenson was eager to get him checked out after everything that had happened. Brian went back to the room he was told and started to get undressed, as was the usual procedure for his check ups. It was only a few minutes before Dr Stephenson came in rather than the requisite half an hour.

“Slow day?” Brian asked with a smirk.

“Actually, the appointment before yours cancelled. I tried to call you but I guess you were out and about.”

“Last minute shopping for the party.” Brian said. She nodded and started the exam. She took blood, as usual, and sent it to the lab before doing an ultrasound and other tests. When that was done she told Brian he could get dressed and she’d be right back. Brian got himself cleaned up, then started to get dressed. He sat and waited for Dr Stephenson to come back, staring at the posters on the wall and kicking his feet under the exam table. When Dr Stephenson came back in, Brian could tell that something was wrong.

“Well, Brian, everything looks okay.” She said, though there was a tone that told Brian she was holding something back.

“Okay...” He said simply.

“I really don’t see a need for you to come back more than once a year for your normal check up.” She said.

“Dee, what aren’t you telling me?” Brian looked at her a minute and she finally stopped looking at his file and looked up at him. She sighed as she looked Brian in the eye.

“I’m sorry, Brian, but because of the complications caused by Justine’s birth......you won’t be able to carry any more children.”

“Oh.” Was Brian’s only response.







“Can I still get pregnant?” Brian asked.

“I’m afraid not.” She sighed.

“So Justine’s it...” Brian said sadly, looking down at his folded hands.

“At least you have her.” Dr. Stephenson said as she came over and put a hand on Brian’s shoulder. He nodded and sighed, sitting up a little and running his fingers through his hair.

“So, I guess this means that Justin and I don’t have to worry about that then, huh?” He was trying to put a positive spin on things. “He can top me all he wants without any risk.” His voice was shaking just a little.

“Looks that way, yes.”

“And there’s nothing....” Brian started.

“If you were some how able to get pregnant you wouldn’t be able to carry the child to term and the miscarriage would most likely kill you.” She had to be blunt. She needed him to understand the situation. He looked down again and nodded. Even given the consequences of Justine’s birth, Brian and Justin had been talking about possibly having other children. Brian knew the risk and he was willing to take it again if it would mean that Justine would have a sibling that she would be raised with instead of just Gus.

“I should probably stay on the pill then...” It was said more than asked.

“In all honesty, Brian, after all of the tests I ran, the likelihood of you actually being able to get pregnant again is roughly the same as being hit by lightening twice and surviving both times. As my mom likes to say the chances are slim to none and slim left town.” This statement got a little bit of a smile out of Brian but it didn’t reach his eyes. He simply nodded and continued to stare at the floor. How was he going to break this news to Justin?

“Thanks, Dee.” Brian said softly.

“For what?” She asked with a raised eyebrow, slightly confused.

“For being brutally honest.” He said as he looked up into her eyes. Any other doctor would have sugar coated it. Would have given him false hope. Dee didn’t do that. She told him the truth. It’s one of the reasons he liked her.

“Anytime.” She said softly before patting his shoulder again. “I’ve got another appointment coming in but....take all the time you need before you leave, okay?” She said. Brian simply nodded and Dr Stephenson left. Brian sat there for several minutes staring at the floor and trying to contemplate exactly how he was going to tell Justin. He didn’t want to tell him today. Didn’t want to ruin the happiness of their daughter’s birthday. The problem was that he knew as soon as Justin saw him the blonde would know that something was wrong. He wouldn’t be able to hide it from Justin. Maybe he could delay it until after Justine was in bed. That was a tactic he was pretty sure would work.

After several minutes of thinking he left the doctor’s office. He got in his car and rather than going home he started to drive around. As much as he wanted to be there for Justine’s party, he didn’t want his mood to kill the fun that was sure to be going on. And he knew that Justin would worry about him the whole time. He didn’t want any of that. So Brian drove around waiting until he was sure everyone was gone before going home. He pulled into the drive way and sat in the car for several minutes before finally getting out and going inside.

“Daddy!” Justine said as she came running up to him. Brian knelt down and hugged her tight, holding her close.

“I’m sorry I missed your party, sweetie.” Brian said, his voice thick with emotion. He hated his inability to hide his feelings from his daughter. She moved back and looked in his eyes before she reached a tiny hand up and touched his cheek.

“What’s wrong, daddy?” She asked. Brian could see concern on her little face and it made him want to cry.

“I’m just sad I missed your party, that’s all.” Brian hated lying to his daughter but he knew she wouldn’t understand what was really going on. Justine patted his cheek and smiled, giving him a kiss.

“It’s okay. I still love you.” She hugged his neck, then took off to play with her new toys. A single tear rolled down Brian’s cheek. He’d never had anyone love him as unconditionally as his daughter did. He managed to get to his feet with a grunt, then started to head into the kitchen where Justin was cleaning up the remainders of the party. He turned to look at Brian with a smile on his face which quickly faded as soon as he saw Brian’s expression.

“What is it?” He asked. He was suddenly worried that something was wrong with Brian. That there’d been some unforeseen complication that was still causing problems.

“Can we talk about it later?” Brian asked. Justin nodded, knowing immediately that Brian wanted to wait until Justine was in bed. Whenever they wanted to talk about something later, it meant it was adult talk that needed no interruptions. Brian helped Justin with the rest of the cleaning up, then went into the living room and sat down. Not only had Justine gotten the Barbie of Swan Lake doll, she’d gotten the Prince and the other dolls that went with the set. Brian managed to get himself down on the floor and he played the prince with her.

Once Justine was in bed and sound asleep, thanks to a story and a song from Brian, Brian and Justin made their way into the bedroom. Justin started to change for bed as Brian went into the bathroom and took a quick shower. When Brian came out, wearing only a towel, Justin looked at him a minute.

“I’ve never understood why you do that?”

“Do what?” Brian asked as he sat on the bed. He had no intention of getting dressed tonight. He slipped the towel off and lay down, pulling the blankets over his body.

“Why you take like three showers a day.” Justin answered.

“That’s simple.” Brian said. “I do it because I sweat like a horse and if I don’t take at least three showers a day, I stink.” Brian sat up a bit and shifted his pillows before getting comfortable. Justin lay down in the bed and nuzzled Brian’s neck.

“But I like the way you stink.” Justin smirked, his hand going to Brian’s chest. He started drawing lazy circles around Brian’s nipples before working his way down Brian’s stomach. Before he got to Brian’s pubes, his hand was stopped.

“We need to talk.” Brian said. Justin looked at him for a minute and nodded, moving his hand as he looked into Brian’s eyes.

“What’s up?” Justin was trying to keep it light.

“Dee ran a whole bunch of tests today and after she got the results she decided that I don’t have to go but once a year.” He wanted to lead up to it. “She’s also.....stopping the birth control.”

“Why would she do that after what happened with Justine?” Justin was starting to get a little angry. Sure they’d talked about having another child but he didn’t want it to happen before they were ready.

“Because I can’t get pregnant anymore.” Brian said without looking at Justin. He couldn’t bring himself to look into Justin’s eyes and see the disappointment that would be there.

“What?” Justin asked. While he was shocked, he was more concerned about Brian.

“The complications caused by Justine’s birth have made it so I can’t get pregnant anymore. On the rare chance, and I mean like uber rare chance, that I could get pregnant again, I wouldn’t be able to carry the child to term and it would most definitely kill me if I tried.” His voice was almost monotone and he stared at the ceiling as he said it.

“Brian, I’m so sorry.” He rested his head on Brian’s chest, his arm draped around the older man’s stomach.

“Don’t be. It’s not your fault. I knew the risks when I agreed to carry Justine to term. This was a possibility. It’s my own damn fault.” Brian’s voice was shaky and he mentally cursed himself for it. Justin kissed his chest before looking up at him.

“This doesn’t mean we can’t have any more kids, Brian.” Justin tried to reassure him.

“It means that Justine will never have a full sibling. We’ll never have another child that is genetically ours.” That being said Brian rolled onto his side, his back to Justin. He couldn’t bring himself to look at the blonde. Justin sighed heavily, not sure what to say. He wanted to comfort Brian, but he knew that now was not the time. All he could do was let Brian process this in his own way and in his own time and offer to be there for the older man when he was ready to accept it.

“I love you, Brian. No matter what.” Justin whispered in Brian’s ear before rolling over and going to sleep. Brian stared at the wall, a single tear rolling down his cheek as he listened to Justin’s breathing.







It had been two months since Brian found out he could no longer get pregnant. Two months of Brian moping and only pretending to be happy when he wasn't completely alone. Two months of lying in bed with his back to Justin unable to be even just slightly aroused. Two months of torturous misery and Justin didn't know what to do. He could tell that Brian was putting on a show for all concerned. Even though the older man considered himself the world's worst father, he was devastated by the fact that he'd never be able to have another child. That Justine was the only child he would ever carry. He blamed himself and he felt certain that Justin blamed him as well.

Justin, however, was only worried about Brian. The man barely ate anything, he rarely left the house unless absolutely necessary, he spent time with Justine, but it wasn't as much as he used to. As soon as it was possible Brian insisted on putting Justine in preschool rather than keeping her home until Kindergarten as originally planned and when he was alone in the house he spent his days sitting on the couch watching TV. Justin didn't know what to do. He called his mother to see if maybe she could help.

"He just needs time, honey." She told him after he explained the situation.

"But it's been two months." Justin said in frustration.

"Justin, he's found out that he will never be able to carry a child for you again. He risked his life for one child strictly because you are Justine's father. Do you think he would have done that for just anyone?" She was getting annoyed with her son.

"No." he sighed and looked down.

"You know, I never wanted children until I found out I was pregnant with you. After you were born I wanted more children. It's an amazing experience, no matter how difficult. It's obvious that Brian wants to be able to have another child but he can't. That will never happen again." She sighed heavily. Justin sighed as well. Then a thought came to Jennifer. A way she could put it into a perspective that Justin could understand. "Think about it this way, honey. How did you feel when, after the bashing, the doctors told you you would never draw again?"

"I felt horrible. I didn't want to do anything." He sighed.

"That is just a fraction of what Brian is feeling right now." She looked him in the eye. She could see that he was starting to understand.

"I've seriously been an asshole." He sighed and laid his head down on the table. Jennifer reached over and patted his head.

"It's okay, sweetie. You couldn't possibly understand what Brian is going through right now so you couldn't have known how to handle it."

"I need to get home." He sighed. Jennifer simply nodded and let Justin leave. On the way home Justin stopped and got the ingredients necessary for Brian's favorite meal. While at the store he'd called his mother back and made arrangements for her to watch Justine for the evening. He wanted the time alone with Brian, regardless of what happened. "Brian? You here?" Justin called as he came in the door.

"You're home early." Brian said from the couch. He was lying down so Justin couldn't see him.

"I thought we could have a little time together. I'll make dinner. We can talk...watch movies...whatever." He started to head into the kitchen.

"What about Justine?" Brian asked, sitting up so he could look at Justin over the back of the couch.

"Mom's gonna pick her up from preschool and watch her for the night. She'll take her to preschool in the morning and you can pick her up from there." Justin smiled a little.

"What?" Brian was suddenly angry. Justin's smile faded. Brian got up and started to head into the kitchen.

"I thought we could use the time alone." Justin said, faltering a little at Brian's look.

"You can't just make plans for Justine to spend the night away from the house without talking to me first, Justin. She's my daughter, too. What if I had plans that involved her? What if I wanted to spend some time with her? You didn't even think to clear it with me first, did you?"

"I....I wanted to surprise you..." Justin's voice was soft and he was actually almost afraid.

"Maybe I didn't want to be surprised, Justin. You go behind my back and let your mom take my daughter without asking me if it's okay." Brian knew that this was a feeble argument but he was angry. Angry at himself and angry at the circumstances and he needed to get that anger out and Justin was the perfect target.

"Wait....your daughter?" Justin raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, my daughter. I carried her. I nearly died giving birth to her. You wouldn't even be a part of her life if Debbie hadn't stuck her nose in my business and told your mom."

"And what would have happened to your daughter when you ended up in a coma for a year? If I wasn't around, who would have taken care of her? I know who. Social services. She'd be in foster care and you probably wouldn't be able to get her back. So don't fucking treat me like an inconvenience. You practically begged me to stay with you and help you out. You're the one that wanted me around!"

"Well, maybe I changed my mind. I can take care of myself and I can take care of Justine just fine without you fucking things up by making plans behind my back! For all I know, this is just the start of you trying to take her away from me!" Brian was really stretching at this point but he'd always been afraid that would happen. That someone would think he wasn't a good enough dad and try to take Justine away. Especially since he was comatose for the first year of her life.

"That is complete bullshit and you know it!" Justin was getting angrier by the minute. "You're a paranoid freak, Brian. Why would I try to take Justine away from you? I know what it's like raising a child alone. It's not fun. It's not easy and I won't do it again if I don't have to. Besides the fact that having you around has been the best time of Justine's life. She adores you and I would never take her away from you. It would devastate her."

"But you go and make plans for her behind my back?"

"I WANTED TO SPEND SOME TIME ALONE WITH YOU! God is that so hard to believe? I thought that we could use some time alone so we could talk about what the fuck has been bothering you for the past couple of months. So that maybe, just maybe, you could finally get everything off your chest and start to move on. Brian, I will never understand what you're going through but you can't just mope and keep everything inside. It'll destroy you. But I know you don't want to talk about this with Justine around. So I wanted to give you a chance to sit down and talk it out without the possibility of a three year old interruption." Justin sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. Brian looked down for a minute, not sure what to say. "I was going to make you dinner and then maybe we could talk. If you want I can call my mom and cancel on her picking up Justine from preschool. We don't have to do this if you don't want to." He looked Brian in the eye. The older man's features softened slightly as he continued to look down.

"No.....it's okay." he said quietly before turning to leave the kitchen.

"Brian. I know you're sad and angry and hurting, but you don't need to be pushing me away right now. I'm just trying to help." Justin wanted to reach out and touch Brian's shoulder but he wasn't sure if that was a good idea at the moment. Brian simply nodded and went to sit back down on the couch. Justin sighed and ran his fingers through his hair again. If it weren't for the fact that the kitchen opened up into the living room and Brian could hear everything going on, Justin would pick up the first thing he could find and throw it. He'd scream at the top of his lungs in frustration. As it were he could only take out his anger and frustration on the vegetables that he chopped and the chicken that he cut up and the stubborn cabinet door that refused to stay closed. After a few minutes of listening to this, Brian got up and went into the bedroom. He made sure that the shutting door could be heard in the kitchen. Justin sighed heavily and threw the dishtowel across the room before he continued to cook.







Justin had finally calmed down by the time dinner was ready. He waited a few minutes before going to the bedroom and lightly knocking on the door. After there was no response he tried the door and found it unlocked. He opened the door and stepped inside, going straight to the bathroom to clean up. He wanted to give Brian a few minutes before he said anything. When he walked back into the bedroom he noticed that Brian was sound asleep, curled up in a ball on the bed. Justin sighed and went into the kitchen, turning the heat off under the food before putting it away. He then went back into the bedroom and lay down on the bed beside Brian. He watched Brian sleep for a moment before moving closer, draping an arm around Brian's waist. The contact caused Brian to stir. He turned his head a little to look back at Justin.

"Hey." Brian said softly.

"Hey." Justin said. He watched Brian for a minute, then started to back away. Brian grabbed Justin's hand and held it against his stomach before the blonde could move. He needed the contact more than he thought possible. He'd wanted it all along but he didn't know it until that moment. Justin looked Brian in the eye for a minute before leaning in and kissing him lightly on the lips. Brian rolled onto his side facing Justin, hand going up to Justin's cheek. They moved closer together and kissed slowly, lovingly, for several minutes. They broke apart and stared into each others' eyes for a few minutes before a tear ran down Brian's cheek.

"I'm sorry." He said softly.

"It's okay." Justin started to say. Brian shook his head.

"No, it's not. I shouldn't have yelled at you. I shouldn't have taken my anger out on you. And I sure as hell shouldn't have accused you of trying to take Justine away from me."

"Brian, I understand. You're angry and upset and you needed to let it out. So you took it out on me. I can take it. I'd rather you take it out on me than Justine." He kissed Brian on the cheek. "It doesn't change the fact that I love you." He smiled a little. Brian only nodded.

"I just wish I didn't feel like this." Brian sighed.

"Try not to think about the negative, Brian. That's kind of been your problem all your life. At least from what I can tell. You don't think about the positive things."

"What positive?" Brian wouldn't look Justin in the eye now. Justin sighed and touched Brian's cheek.

"Justine for one. She's an amazing, smart, wonderful little girl. A little girl that wouldn't be alive if you hadn't risked your life. A little girl that practically worships you. She's a miracle, Brian. You need to be happy that she's in our lives. Forget about the future. Don't worry about it. Think only about right now. Take it one day at a time, okay?" He smiled.

"She's such a happy little girl." He chuckled a little.

"She's happy because she has two loving fathers that dote on her like a princess. But if you keep acting the way you have been she's going to pick up on the fact that you're sad."

"I just.....I never knew how much I wanted to be a father until she came along. Not even Gus makes me feel the way Justine does."

"That's probably because you didn't carry Gus and you carried Justine. She was a part of you for a long time. There's a connection to her that you and Gus will never have." Brian nodded and they laid there quietly for a minute or two.

"Thank you." Brian said softly.

"For what?" Justin was a little confused.

"For making me realize I was being a total asshole." Brian said with a smirk. Justin laughed and kissed Brian on the lips.

"Anytime, baby." He chuckled at the look on Brian's face. The two lay in bed, curled together, comforting each other until they were both asleep.
 

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