Sunshine Series
You Are My Sunshine
Brian was sitting at the bar at Woody's working on his tenth
glass of Beam. He’d been in this similar position every day for the last two
years. His work performance was starting to be effected, but not enough to get
him fired. He rarely slept, and he hadn't had a trick in months. He spent most
of his time getting totally drunk, then going home and spending the night
kneeling to the porcelain god.
Justin noticed Brian sitting there as soon as he walked in the door. It was
obvious Brian came straight from work because he was still wearing his suit, the
jacket lying on the stool beside him. When Brian finished his drink, he ordered
another one.
"I think you've had enough, Bri." The man said. It was unusual for bartenders to
address Brian in such a way, but considering what Justin had heard, they were
probably close friends by now.
"Fuck you, Josh, just gimme anudder one." Brian held out the glass unsteadily.
Justin decided it was time to intervene.
"Brian you need to stop this. Just...let me take you home, okay?"
Brian looked at Justin, then at the bartender.
"Fuck you both, I'm going home." He stood unsteadily and started to put his
jacket on, then staggered to the door as he searched for his keys.
"You can't drive like that, Brian, let me take you home."
"No, I'm fine. Go away." He located his keys and dropped them. Justin took this
opportunity to snatch the keys.
"I'm driving."
"No, you're no'" Brian reached for the keys and almost fell over. Justin managed
to catch him, but was almost knocked over as well under the man's weight.
"Jesus, Brian, how much do you weigh?" Justin wasn't really expecting an answer
as he led the man out to the Jeep. Brian walked along, leaning heavily against
Justin. Once Justin had Brian situated, he went around and got in. They’d been
driving maybe two minutes when Justin heard Brian snoring. He smiled slightly.
When Justin pulled up in front of the loft, he managed to get Brian to wake up
enough to walk, but that was about all he could do. Justin smiled when the key
code to get into the building worked, then hauled Brian into the elevator,
leaning the man against the wall for the ride up. When they got to the top,
Justin pulled Brian along and leaned him against the wall so that he could open
the door. The place hadn't changed a bit in the two years that he'd been gone.
He managed to maneuver Brian into the bedroom and lay him down on the bed. When
he started to undress Brian, he heard the man humming.
"What's that you're humming?" Justin asked as he slowly slid Brian's pants off.
"Jus' a song."
"What song?"
"Song tha' 'minds me of Justin." It was at that moment that Justin realized
Brian had no idea who he was. He debated for a full second as to whether or not
he was going to take advantage of the older man's state of inebriation. Deciding
that it wouldn't be too bad as long as nobody knew, he went for it.
"That selfish little twink?" Justin asked. Brian sat up and glared at him
angrily.
"Don' you talk abou' Justin like tha'. He's a good kid." He then lay back down
on the bed and went back to humming. Justin thought that he recognized the song,
but he needed further confirmation.
"Can you sing it for me?" He wasn’t really expecting a response. Brian was quiet
for a moment, then started singing off key.
"You are my Sunshine...my only Sunshine...you make me happy...when skies are
gray. You'll never know dear...how much I love you. Please don't take my
Sunshine away." There was another moment of silence and then Brian whispered.
"Fucking fiddler took my Sunshine away." He sniffled and Justin looked up to see
tears rolling down Brian's cheeks.
"You miss him, don't you?" Brian simply nodded, not making any move to wipe away
the tears. After Justin had him undressed and in bed, he pulled the covers up
and kissed his forehead. He couldn't believe that such a simple song, a child's
song, could convey every feeling that Brian had for him.
"I never told him I love him. I showed him all the time, but it wasn't enough.
He wanted the words and I wouldn't give them to him so he left."
"Maybe your Sunshine will come back someday."
"No...he's gone. He doesn't love me anymore...not that I really deserve him
anyway."
"You'd be surprised, Brian. Maybe he still loves you and just doesn't know that
he can come back." When Brian started snoring, Justin realized he’d fallen
asleep again. He made sure that Brian was tucked in, checked the alarm clock,
making sure it was set, kissed Brian's cheek then walked out the door, setting
the alarm before he left. Maybe Sunshine would come back. Only time would tell.
*****
My Only Sunshine
Brian woke up with possibly the worst headache of his life. Even with all the
drinking he’d done lately, his hangovers were never as bad as this one. He
decided to call in sick to work. He then made sure that all the blinds and
curtains were shut, plunging the loft into darkness before going back to bed.
Each knock as someone pounded on his door, several hours later, was like a spike
going through his skull. He vaguely remembered getting up and making sure the
loft was as dark as possible. He groaned as he got up and went to answer the
door. As expected, a slightly panicked Mikey was on the other side.
"What the fuck do you want?" Brian asked gruffly as he walked to the kitchen to
start a pot of coffee, leaving the door open for Michael to come in.
"Are you okay? You didn't show up for breakfast and I called your office and
Cynthia said that you’d called in sick."
"Just a massive headache that will go away as soon as you do." Brian retorted,
then went about making coffee. Mikey gave him a dirty look.
"Justin told us you were pretty drunk." At that Brian stopped. He looked at
Mikey with a raised eyebrow.
"What was that?"
"Justin was at the diner today. No sign of him for two years and then he just
shows up. He said that you were really drunk last night and that he brought you
home. I bet you don't even remember last night, do you?" Mikey asked accusingly.
Brian closed his eyes for a minute and tried to think.
"Not at the moment, but it'll probably come back to me eventually. It usually
does."
"Yeah, well, you wouldn't have to worry about that if you would stop trying to
drink yourself to death."
"Mikey, I get enough of this shit from your mother; I don't need it from you."
"Well, I just came to make sure you're okay. Oh, and apparently Justin and that
Ethan kid broke up." Mikey started to leave. Brian was suddenly interested in
talking to him.
"Wait.....what? When did this happen?" Brian asked. Mikey shrugged.
"He wouldn't tell us much; just that they haven't been together for a while and
that he's moving back to Pittsburgh. Apparently when he and Ethan parted ways he
moved to New York for a while or something. Ted and Em and I were really just
over hearing what he was telling my mom."
"A lot of fucking good that does me, Mikey." Brian sighed and ran his fingers
through his hair.
"You're not actually considering trying to get back with him, are you?"
"And what if I am?"
"Brian, he left you for that Ethan kid. HE left YOU! And you're willing to just
forgive him for that?"
"Mikey, he didn't just leave; I practically pushed him out the door. The
question isn't whether or not I’ll take him back; it's whether or not he’ll take
me. I did some pretty shitty things to him along with the good. And he probably
thinks that I haven't changed at all."
"But you haven't changed." Mikey commented.
"Fuck you, Mikey. If you'd been paying attention you'd realize that I have
changed. I may be drinking like a fish, but I haven't had a trick in months, and
as far as I know, Anita thinks I'm dead. So I have changed some. So, did he say
where he was staying?"
"He said that he's staying with his mom until he can find his own place." Mikey
answered with a dejected sigh. Brian suddenly realized what this was all about.
"Mikey, when are you going to get it through your thick skull that we will NEVER
be more than friends? Besides, you've got Ben. He's a great guy. I like him and
I like you with him. Be happy with Ben, okay?" Brian kissed him and Mikey made a
face.
"Brush your teeth before you do that next time." He said and Brian laughed. They
said their goodbyes and Brian went to take a shower. He was on a mission. It was
amazing how quickly a hangover would disappear when you had something to focus
on. He dressed in one of his best Armani suits, black with a deep purple shirt
and matching tie, made sure his hair was perfect, he was wearing a pair of Prada
shoes that were shined to a mirror finish. He stopped at a little flower shop
and purchased a dozen, deep red, long stem roses, surrounded by baby's breath
and accented with fern leaves, then got into the Jeep and headed to the home of
Jennifer Taylor.
*****
You make me happy
To say that Jennifer Taylor was shocked to see Brian Kinney standing at her door
dressed to the nines and holding a bouquet of roses would have been the
understatement of the century. She stood there for a moment before managing to
speak.
"Hello, Brian." She said. Brian nodded.
"Hello. Um.....is Justin here?"
"No, I'm afraid he's not. He's out apartment hunting with Daphne at the moment."
"I thought Daphne was going to an out of state college." He seemed confused.
"She is, but she's home visiting her parents and she agreed to help Justin find
a place." He stood there silently for a moment, then held out the roses.
"Can you please give these to him for me? Tell him that I'd appreciate a call,
but, of course, it's totally up to him." She nodded as she took the roses.
Instinctively she smelled them and smiled.
"You know something like this was all he wanted from you before."
"I know that, and I was stupid not to do something as simple as buying some
flowers. I almost did once, but changed my mind. It was one of the biggest
mistakes I ever made. You can tell him this or not, it's up to you, but I've
missed him a lot these past two years. I never realized how much he meant to me
until he was gone."
"Well, Brian, as much as I don't like the fact that you're old enough to be my
younger brother, I think that Justin deserves someone that loves him and will
take good care of him and I can't imagine anyone else doing that but you."
Jennifer said. Brian smiled.
"Thanks. Um......just give him the message, okay?"
"I will." She started to turn and then stopped. "It's really nice seeing you
again Brian. And you look wonderful." She tried to hide a smile when she noticed
the faintest of blushes coming to Brian's cheeks.
"Thank you. It's nice seeing you again too." He smiled, slipped his sunglasses
back on, then left. She stood in the doorway for a moment before going and
putting the roses in some water. She decided that the best place for the roses
was right in the center of the coffee table where Justin would see them as soon
as he walked in the door.
*****
Justin smiled when he saw the roses, no doubt from the man that was after his
mother. She'd been putting him off for a while, not really wanting to date
again, and he almost laughed at the attempt. He went over and smelled them, then
went into the kitchen.
"Those are beautiful roses, mom, who are they from?" He took a bottle of water
from the fridge, opened it and started to take a drink. He didn't notice
Jennifer's smirk as she answered.
"They're from Brian." Justin spit water everywhere and started coughing.
Jennifer tried to keep from laughing. After he finally calmed his cough, Justin
looked at her with wide eyes.
"What did you just say?"
"I said they're from Brian. He came by looking for you earlier. My goodness
Justin, you should have seen him. He was all dressed up in one of his fancy
suits with this bouquet of roses and he asked if you were home. The look on his
face when I told him that you weren't just broke my heart. Justin......he's
missed you a lot and he still loves you very much."
"Still? That would only apply if he actually loved me to begin with." He scoffed
and sat down, taking another drink of water.
"Justin, he's loved you all along, you just refused to see it. You let people
talk you into the idea that Brian Kinney doesn't love anybody and that's just a
bunch of bullshit. You've seen him with his son. You know that he has a heart
and that he is capable of love. I've been talking a lot to Debbie and she's told
me a lot about Brian. He doesn't know how to show love because he was never
shown love. So don't say that he never loved you because, with everything he
did, he proved that he does. And this......he brought roses, Justin. The one
thing that you asked from him when you were together and he did it in the hopes
of being able to at least talk to you. He's not even expecting you to call; I
could tell that from his tone. He thinks that he's lost you forever, but he's
trying anyway. Justin, at the very least, call the man. Let him have his say. If
you still don't think he loves you after that, then that's up to you. But give
him a chance. You'd be amazed at how much he's changed."
Justin sat there a moment, contemplating her words. Was it true? Did Brian
really love him? He sat there sipping at his water, then made a decision.
"Mom, I'm borrowing the car again." He got up and walked into the living room,
picking up the vase of roses and taking it with him out to the garage. Jennifer
sighed slightly when he was out the door. She feared he was going to return the
roses. As much as she loved her son, sometimes she just wanted to smack him
upside the head. How could he be so dense as to not see every act of love Brian
ever did?
Brian wasn't sure whether to be happy or sad that Justin was walking up to the
loft with the roses in his hand. He’d watched the young man pull up to the
building and get out of the car. As Brian waited for the elevator to reach the
top, he had the distinct feeling that Justin was returning the roses. He sighed
and ran his fingers through his hair, then went and got a shirt. He’d been
putting some finishing touches on a campaign, sitting there in nothing but a
pair of jeans. He heard the knock on the door just as he was walking back out,
wearing a tight white t-shirt.
"Hello, Justin." He said as he opened the door, then stepped aside so that
Justin could enter if he wanted to. Justin came in and set the roses on the
kitchen counter.
"My mom tells me that you brought these by earlier today, is that true?" There
was a hint of anger in his tone. Brian looked down, then nodded. "She also said
that you want to try to get back together, is that true?" Again he nodded.
"Look, it was just a thought. I understand if you don't want to."
"You think a dozen roses will get me to come back?"
"I had to try." Brian still wouldn't look up so Justin allowed himself to smirk.
"Justin.....I've missed you. A lot more than I thought I would. I just....." He
sighed. "Look, forget it. You obviously don't want to get back together so don't
worry about it." He turned and headed to the bedroom.
"Say it." Justin demanded. Brian stopped and turned to look at Justin.
"Say what?"
"You know what. The only thing I ever wanted you to say. Say it." Brian raised
an eyebrow. A smile spread across his face as he realized what Justin wanted.
"You think you can barge into my home and force me to say that I love you? Well,
you've got another thing coming, twink."
"Watch who you're calling twink, old man." Justin said with a smile. "Is that
the only way you're ever going to say it?" Brian walked over and put his hands
on Justin's cheeks, looking him in the eye.
"I love you, Justin. I always have and I always will. I was stupid and stubborn
for not saying it before." Justin blinked back some tears as he looked up at
Brian.
"That's all I ever wanted to hear, Brian." They came together in a passionate
kiss that seemed to last for eternity.
*****
When Skies Are Gray
Brian was sitting in first class sipping a Beam and Coke and staring down at the
report in front of him. He was on his way to yet another client meeting. He
sighed heavily, wishing more than anything to be at home with Justin rather than
on a plane with Cynthia.
"Client meeting in San Francisco. I bet you're looking forward to this one,
hmmm?" She asked with a smirk.
"Actually, I'm not."
"What? San Fran is the gay capitol of the world. Tons of hot guys just waiting
to get fucked."
"I know. That's the problem." He sighed and closed the folder, moving away from
the hand Cynthia had just placed on his forehead.
"Are you feeling okay, boss?"
"Ha, ha. Very funny, Cyn. But....there's going to be a great deal of temptation
and that's totally not what I need right now." He looked down at his drink. "I
really want this to work with Justin this time so.....we've agreed to
be.....monogamous." He said the word quietly. Brian Kinney and monogamous just
didn't go together well. Cynthia blinked and looked at him like he’d grown a
third eye.
"Are you serious?" she asked finally.
"Look in my luggage. Not a single condom or tube of lube."
"Holy shit, you ARE serious." She sat there in shock for a moment, then smiled.
"This is great! Brian, I'm so happy for you." She hugged him and he sighed.
"Happy that I've committed myself to a twink?"
"Happy that you've committed yourself at all! You know, I've never told you
this, but I have always worried about you. You seem so happy now. I think this
is going to be good for you."
"Well, we'll see how you feel about that when you inevitably walk in on me
jerking it." He laughed when she made a face.
"We are SO having separate rooms."
*****
Brian was sitting at his desk trying to put the finishing touches on yet another
fucked up campaign when he looked at the clock. He was supposed to be home in
twenty minutes and there was no way that was going to happen. Even though they
had only gotten back together a little over a month ago, he and Justin had
decided there was no point in not living together. They’d done it before, and
this time they were trying to make it work; everything was a pro with very
little cons. Except for the fact that Brian had been working late a lot. He
picked up the phone and called home.
"Let me guess, you're working late again." Justin said with a bit of anger in
his tone. Brian was starting to wonder if caller ID was such a good idea after
all.
"I'm sorry, but this has to get done. I'll be home as soon as I can."
"Yeah, whatever." Justin hung up before Brian could say another word. Though he
seemed a little less upset about Brian's time at work at first, it was obvious
that Justin didn't like the amount of time Brian spent doing his job. If he
wasn't at the office late, he brought work home and wasn't able to spend very
much time with Justin. Brian sighed heavily. He vowed that as soon as this
campaign was done, he would take a vacation with Justin somewhere. He wouldn't,
however, get the young man's hopes up until the very last possible minute,
remembering what a fiasco the non-existent trip to Vermont had been.
When Brian finally managed to make it home around ten thirty, he was exhausted.
He put his briefcase down just inside the door and walked in, taking his jacket
off and draping it over one of the bar stools. The loft was unusually dark.
"Justin?" Brian looked around as he removed his tie and started to unbutton his
shirt. No sign of the boy anywhere. That was when he noticed a note sitting in
the middle of the bed. He picked it up and read it.
Brian,
Got tired of waiting so I went to get a bite to eat, then I'm going to Babylon.
Meet me there or whatever. Don't wait up.
Justin.
Brian frowned when he read the note. This can't be good, he
thought as he started to change. He decided to take a quick shower, then head to
Babylon. He was sure that Justin would be there by now. After changing clothes,
he headed to the club. It took him all of ten seconds to find Michael, Ted and
Emmett at the bar. Brian ordered a double Beam straight up and then looked at
the three men who were intently studying him.
"What?" He asked, a little annoyed.
"Nothing." Emmett said.
"You guys seen Justin?" Brian took a sip from his drink. The three men looked at
each other, then looked at Brian. All three nodded, but none said a word.
"Where is he?" Brian questioned, even more annoyed. Michael cleared his throat.
"Um......you see......we're not really sure. He was dancing with this guy a
little while ago. We turned away to look at someone and when we turned back he
was gone."
"The guy he was dancing with was pretty hot." Emmett spoke up, receiving dirty
looks from Ted and Michael. "What? He was." Just then a cold lump formed in
Brian's stomach. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, then downed the rest
of his Beam.
"I'm sure it's not what you think, Brian." Ted said, trying to calm him down.
Ted always seemed to have bad timing as just then, Justin emerged from the back
room, the aforementioned man in tow and a big smile on his face. Brian set the
glass down on the bar hard enough that it shattered. He ignored the cuts on his
hand and just headed out of the bar. Justin walked over and looked at the bar,
then looked at the guys, having not noticed Brian.
"What happened?"
"Brian happened." Michael said.
"He saw me?" Justin asked, looking like he was totally calm. All three men
nodded and the young blond smirked. "Good." He then walked out the door, leaving
the three men totally stumped as to what in the hell was really going on.
Brian had taken care of his hand, removing glass and bandaging it, then sat down
at the computer to check his email. He was trying very hard to stay calm. Maybe
it was all an act. Maybe they hadn't actually been doing anything. Maybe he was
losing his mind thinking that Justin would take someone to the back room just to
talk. As he thought about it, he got angrier. Once his email was checked, he got
on the treadmill and started running. He'd been running about twenty minutes
when Justin came home.
The blonde simply walked into the bedroom, completely ignoring Brian. He made
his way into the bathroom, stripped and turned the shower on, stepping inside
and letting the water run over his face. After completely cleaning off, he went
into the bedroom, stopping when he saw Brian in the doorway.
"Washing away the evidence?" Brian asked. The anger in his voice was
unmistakable.
"That would be stupid since I know that you know. I saw the broken glass on the
bar. How is your hand?"
"Do you really give a shit or are you just trying to change the subject?"
"I actually care."
"My hand is fine. Nothing to worry about. Now, you tell me. What the fuck were
you doing?!" His volume had risen with the last question.
"I believe his name was Aaron, I'm not sure." He replied with a smirk.
"You know.....this whole monogamy thing was your idea. If things have changed it
would be nice if you would tell me."
"I thought you decided things had changed a while back." The blond changed from
sarcasm to anger in a matter of seconds.
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
"You've been 'working late' a lot lately, haven't you?" Justin made quotes with
his fingers when he said working late. Brian blinked as he looked at the young
man.
"You think that I've been tricking instead of working late? You really think I
would do that?" Justin crossed his arms over his chest and raised an eyebrow.
"I don't know, you tell me." Justin said. Brian threw his arms in the air.
"You are so full of shit, you know that?"
"Am I?"
"Yes, you are. Justin, how in the hell did you come to the conclusion that I'm
cheating on you? I'm a partner. I've told you before that I work a lot. You've
seen me bring work home. Why the fuck would I waste time with a trick when I
could be getting work done? And do you honestly think I could put together three
major ad campaigns if I was tricking every night instead of actually working?"
"I'm just going on past history, Brian."
"Oh no you're not. If you were going on past history you would trust me. I never
lied to you about tricking. I never made an excuse. I am ALWAYS honest. I have
always been honest. Why would I start lying now? Then there's the fact that I
told you before we got back together that I hadn't had a trick in months. Why
would I start after getting you back? I don't need tricks, Justin, I've got you.
You haven't even thought about any of this, have you?" Justin remained quiet.
Brian sighed. "You can't even convince yourself to trust me, can you? I'm really
trying here, Justin, but if you're going to fly off the handle like this on a
regular basis we can't do this." Justin's eyes went wide.
"What do you mean?"
"What do you think I mean? You obviously don't feel you can't trust me to keep
my word and I can't be with someone that can't trust me. You should have thought
about the fact that back when you made those stinking rules, I followed every
one of them. YOU were the one that broke the rules, not me. I was willing to try
to trust you this time around and look where it got me. It got me watching you
walking out of the backroom with a trick."
"Brian.......what are you saying?" Justin asked. Brian went into the bedroom and
rummaged around in the closet for a while. Justin stayed where he was in the
living room. After a minute, Brian came out with a duffel bag over one shoulder
and a garment bag in his hand. He looked at Justin.
"I'm saying that maybe this was a mistake, Justin. I'm going to a hotel. You can
have the loft until your stuff is all moved out. Just let me know so I can come
back home." He started to walk out the door.
"Brian....wait...." Brian stopped but didn't turn. "Brian....I...."
"Don't, Justin. It was just a bad idea, that's all. Goodbye, Justin."
"Don't you mean later?" Justin asked shakily. Brian turned and looked at the
younger man. Justin could see tears rolling down his cheeks. It broke his heart
that he had caused those tears.
"No, Justin. I mean good bye." He then walked out the door, locking it behind
him.
*****
You'll Never Know Dear
"What have I done?" Justin cried just before downing the shot of Beam in his
hand. The glass joined seven others as he placed it on the bar. He tapped the
rim of the glass and Todd, the bartender, just shook his head.
"You've had enough." Justin sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. He
rested his chin on his folded arms on the bar. That's when Emmett showed up.
He'd been watching Justin drink away his sorrows for the last several minutes
and decided it was time to intervene.
"What's wrong, baby?" Emmett started to rub Justin's back gently. He was almost
toppled when the young blonde hugged him, crying on his shoulder.
"Brian's gone, Em. He's gone"
"What do you mean, he's gone?"
"He left.......Emmett....he.....he broke up with me!" That was the last thing he
expected to hear from Justin.
"What happened?" Emmett just held Justin, rubbing his back and trying to calm
him down.
"I.....I accused him of cheating." Justin's sobs became even stronger, shaking
his whole body. Emmett tried to keep from snickering.
"Honey, that's nothing new with Brian."
"But Em.......we agreed to be monogamonomous." Justin's drunkenness was starting
to show.
"What?" Emmett asked after picking his jaw up off the floor.
"We agreed to be monogamous."
"And you thought he was cheating?" Justin nodded and sniffled.
"I........he was working late so much. I thought he was lying to cover up
cheating."
"But.......Brian's never lied about it before."
"That's what he said........he said that I was thinking he was doing to me what
I did to him with Ethan. He said he couldn't be with someone that didn't trust
him and he left."
"Oh, honey, I'm sure he'll be back."
"He went to a hotel, Emmett. He grabbed some stuff and went to a hotel and said
I better be gone by the time he comes back." Emmett wasn't sure what to do about
that. It wasn't like Brian to voluntarily leave the loft. Especially when
kicking someone out of it.
"Maybe he just needs some time to cool off" He was definitely grasping at straws
here.
"He said 'good-bye' Emmett. Not 'later', not 'see ya'. Good-bye, meaning he
never wants to see me again."
"Oh my" was all Emmett could manage. He simply held Justin and let him cry while
he tried to sort things out. "Justin.....did he say which hotel?" The blonde
shook his head and Emmett mentally cursed. That wasn't good. That wasn't good at
all. Brian leaving the loft meant he wasn't going to be around to give Justin a
chance to apologize. The fact that he said "good-bye" did indicate that he never
wanted to see the blonde again. And the fact that he left no information as to
which hotel he was staying in meant he really wanted to be alone. This was
beyond bad.
"What have I done?" Justin cried again.
"Justin, baby, here's what you're going to do. You're going to go home, take a
nice hot shower, get some sleep and tomorrow you and I are going to figure
things out, okay?" Justin nodded and Emmett nodded to the bartender who was
holding out the phone in the silent question of calling a cab. After Justin was
in the cab, an extra fifty to the driver to make sure he got inside safely,
Emmett went about the business of tracking down Brian.
The next day Emmett stood in front of the Renaissance Pittsburgh Hotel.
Apparently Brian was one for always letting his assistant know where he would
be. Getting the information from Cynthia had been as simple as explaining that
he really needed to talk to Brian and Brian wasn't answering his phone. That
didn't seem to come as a shock to the woman that had been working for Brian for
God only knows how long. She gladly gave over the location of his whereabouts.
Finding Brian in this hotel was only slightly surprising. It wasn't the best
hotel in town, but it wasn't the worst. It looked, however, like Brian had
chosen it for location. While it was about a twenty-minute drive from the loft,
it was walking distance from the office building in which Brian worked. He could
wake up with just enough time to shower, shave and get dressed and have a
ten-minute walk to work. With Brian's long legs it would probably be more like
five.
Emmett walked up to the room and knocked on the door. He knew that Brian was in
there. There was soft music playing and the Jeep was in the parking lot. Of
course Brian was willing to shell out the extra money to have the Jeep valet
parked even though he didn't really need to use it while he stayed here. When
there was no answer, Emmett knocked again. When Brian finally opened the door he
looked as if he had just come out of the shower.
"What the fuck do you want?" Brian left the door open as he turned and headed
back into the room. Emmett was struck by exactly how attractive Brian really
was. Especially when he was wearing nothing but a towel and was soaking wet. No
wonder everybody wanted to fuck him. Emmett was even getting the slightest
inclination toward the idea when he remembered why he was here.
"What's going on with you and Justin?" He walked in and shut the door as Brian
turned and glared at him.
"That's none of your fucking business." Brian grabbed a second towel and started
drying his hair. Emmett sighed heavily.
"I think it is considering that Justin was at Woody's last night drinking
himself stupid. He was crying and so heart broken. Brian, you should have seen
it."
"He should have thought of that before he accused me of breaking my word. You
know me, Em. When I promise to do something, at the very least when I promise to
do something that means something to me, I do it. I promised him I'd be
monogamous and the first chance he got he accuses me of cheating." Brian had
been drying his hair the whole time. At that moment he pulled the towel down
over his shoulders, holding each end and looked Emmett in the eye. "Do you have
any idea how that makes me feel? To know that after everything I did for
him.....all the fucking rules and everything, that he thinks he can't trust me?
I'm the one that shouldn't trust him. He's the one that cheated."
"And it's obvious that you haven't really forgiven him for that." Emmett said
dryly.
"Why should I now?"
"Brian.....he's really sorry. And I mean REALLY sorry. He knows he fucked up and
he regrets it. He loves you so much. It was just insecurity, Brian and you know
it. Please, just talk to him. Don't throw all of this away over one mistake. You
two have been through way too much together to let that happen." Brian looked at
Emmett for a minute, then sighed heavily. He went over and got a bottle of water
from the mini bar, leaving the towel draped around his shoulders and took a
drink. He looked like he was thinking it over. Emmett could almost see the
wheels turning in his head. He stood there silently, waiting for an answer.
Finally, after several minutes, Brian spoke.
"Alright, fine. I'll talk to him. But that's it. I'm not making any promises."
Emmett came over and kissed Brian's cheek, laughing at the disgusted face Brian
made. He grabbed the towel and started scrubbing at his cheek.
"Thank you, Brian." Emmett smiled, then headed out the door to go tell Justin
the wonderful news.
*****
How Much I Love You
Justin sat in the diner fidgeting. He was picking at an imaginary spot on the
table as he waited for Brian to show up. Emmett had arranged for them to meet at
the diner to have their discussion, but it was a day that Brian had to work so
they would have to work around his schedule. Brian said that he had a meeting
just before lunch but that he would meet with Justin around noon. Justin sighed
when he looked at his watch. Noon was half an hour ago and Brian wasn't there
yet. He probably wasn't coming. Just as he was about to give up and leave, Brian
walked in the door, looking a little rattled, and took a seat.
"Meeting ran long." He said by way of apology. That usually meant that he got
the account so Justin simply nodded. Brian took off his sunglasses and slipped
them into the inside pocket of his jacket, then looked at Justin. "Mind if I eat
while we talk? I didn't get a chance to eat breakfast."
"No, go right ahead." Justin smiled. Brian motioned for the waiter who took his
usual order of a turkey sandwich on wheat, hold the mayo. Justin smirked, but
wasn't able to remove it before Brian looked at him.
"What?"
"Ted's not the only predictable one in the group." He laughed. After a minute
Brian just laughed and shook his head.
"So.....Emmett told me you were pretty torn up about what happened." He raised
an eyebrow as he looked at the younger man. Justin looked down and started
picking at the imaginary spot again. He sighed heavily, then looked back up at
Brian and nodded.
"Brian......I'm sorry, okay? I know you think sorry's bullshit, but I am. You're
right. I had no reason to think you were cheating on me. It was stupid and
irrational. I'm not even going to try to make an excuse for it because there is
no excuse. All I can say is that I love you and I really am very, VERY sorry
about what I did. It was wrong of me and I can only hope that you'll be willing
to forgive me, but I'll understand if you won't." Brian nodded and just sat
there in silence for a minute. He was about to speak when his sandwich arrived.
His appetite was suddenly diminished so he just picked at it. Finally he looked
at Justin.
"You have to trust me. You know that I always keep my word. You've seen evidence
of that. You also know that I love you and that I would never intentionally hurt
you. And you know that I'm always honest about anything. You want to know
something all you have to do is ask." Justin nodded.
"I know, Brian. I don't know what I was thinking-"
"You weren't." Brian cut him off and Justin simply nodded. They sat there in
silence for a few minutes, then Brian smirked. "Was he any good?" Justin's
confusion would have been evident to anyone.
"Huh?"
"That guy at Babylon the other night. Was he any good?" Brian asked.
"He was okay." Justin said with a shrug. Brian just smirked and raised an
eyebrow and Justin blushed. "Okay, he was really good. And I know you saw him."
"He was hot." Brian conceded. "Look, even though I was mad when it happened, I
can forgive that. It wouldn't be fair if I didn't. I can't say that I won't fuck
up. I'm trying my best not to. I mean.....if I can go to San Francisco for three
days and not trick I think maybe I can handle the Pitts." Justin laughed. "We're
both going to have our fuck ups, Justin. So what I'm saying is.....don't worry
about that guy, okay? Don't worry about this fuck up."
"Okay. So......what now?" Brian had to smile at the hopeful expression on
Justin's face.
"Now I get to go back to work and deal with the residual paperwork of getting a
new account." He sighed and looked down at the sandwich. Brian called the waiter
over and got a to go box, then looked at Justin.
"So......see you at home?" Brian paused a minute. Not "see you at the loft", it
was "see you at home". That had a nice ring to it. He smiled and nodded.
"Yeah.....see you at home." He leaned across the table and kissed Justin lightly
on the lips before standing and grabbing his to go box. He smiled, slipped on
his sunglasses and left. Justin sighed happily as he leaned back in the booth.
Maybe things were going to work out after all.
*****
Please Don't Take My Sunshine Away
Justin was walking home from work. Brian had to work late and everybody else was
busy. It was just getting dark so he didn't think Brian would have a problem
with him walking. He couldn't believe that it had already been three months
since the big fight that almost ended everything. He smiled as he thought about
the past three months. Everything seemed to be going better than ever before. He
pulled his jacket a little closer as a cold wind blew out of nowhere. He hated
walking home when the weather was so volatile. It could be warm one minute and
snowing the next, but he just didn't want to take a cab. He hated taking cabs.
There was still a bit of residual anxiety from the bashing. Whenever he passed a
dark alley he got a miniscule rush of adrenaline and actually ran past the
opening. He never had anything to actually worry about, and he never told
anybody about it, but it was there nonetheless. As he passed one particular
alley, he looked down for a second and noticed that his shoe was untied. After
crossing the alley, he knelt down to tie it. Out of nowhere someone had a hand
over his mouth and was dragging him into the alley.
*****
Brian finally managed to get home around ten. He hated it
when he had to work so late, especially when he had someone waiting for him at
home. He sighed heavily as he got off the elevator. What he could really use
right now was a nice hot shower and a nice long fuck and then some sleep. That
would make things perfect. He stopped when he opened the door and every last
light in the loft was off.
"Justin?" He started to look around, turning on lights as he went. Maybe he was
playing some kind of hide and seek. Brian smirked; he could definitely go for
some playing before getting down to serious fucking. He started to loosen his
tie as he looked around. The smile faded quickly when Justin was nowhere to be
found. Brian double-checked every nook and cranny big enough to hold the blonde
and a couple that weren't.
"Maybe he just went out." He said to himself, he then searched the entire loft
again. No note. Okay, plan B: try the cell. Brian picked up the phone and dialed
Justin's cell phone number. It rang several times, then went to voicemail. He
tried again. This time it rang three times before it sounded like someone picked
up. There was total silence on the line for about a minute, then it was hung up.
Panic was officially setting in when he picked up the phone and called the
diner.
"Liberty Diner." Debbie chirped into the phone.
"Is Justin still there?"
"No......he left about four hours ago."
"Fuck!" Brian started pacing.
"Brian, what's going on?"
"Debbie......he's not here."
"What do you mean he's not there?"
"He was supposed to come home from work. I had to work late so he was going to
walk. He was supposed to be here by now but he's not anywhere. There's no note
saying he went out. Deb, he always leaves a note!" The level of panic Brian had
risen to shocked Debbie. She hadn't heard or seen Brian this scared since he
moved out of his parents' house and didn't have to deal with his father anymore.
"Brian, just calm down. Did you try his cell?"
"Yeah. First time I got voicemail. Second time it sounded like somebody answered
but nobody said anything and then hung up."
"That's not good"
"Really? You think?" The Brian everybody knew and loved was starting to appear.
When scared, attack.
"Did you try calling his mom?"
"I'm not going to get Jennifer upset until I know what's going on."
"Okay, okay. Look, I'll talk to Horvath and see what he says, okay?"
"Okay. Call me as soon as you know anything."
"I will, Brian." She hung up and immediately called Horvath.
*****
Brian had been pacing in the loft since he hung up with Deb.
He managed to stop long enough to get a shot of Beam, but other than that he
just paced. He hadn't even taken the time to change clothes. He just had a
feeling that something bad happened to Justin. He also had the feeling that it
was his fault. If I had been able to give him a ride home, he thought to himself
as he paced. He was supposed to be protecting Justin, taking care of him. He
knew that Justin had enough money from tips to take a cab, but Justin always
preferred to walk if there wasn't someone he knew to give him a ride home, and
if the weather wasn't too bad. He had a slightly irrational fear of cab drivers
for some reason. Brian nearly hit the ceiling when the phone rang.
"Yeah?"
"Mr. Kinney? This is Detective Horvath." Not good, not good at all. Debbie was
supposed to call him back, not Horvath. He took a deep breath and let it out
slowly.
"Yes." His voice cracked regardless of his attempts to stay calm.
"Could you meet me at Mercy?"
"Um.....why?" His hands started shaking and his heart started racing. This was
bad......very, very bad.... The next words out of Horvath's mouth caused Brian's
knees to buckle.
"We need you to identify a body." Brian fell to his knees with a loud thud, loud
enough that Horvath heard it on the other end. "Mr. Kinney?"
"Yeah.....I.....I'll be......right there."
"I'll meet you by the emergency room entrance."
"Thank........thank you." Brian hung up and just sat there for a minute. He
picked up the phone and dialed another number.
"Hello?" Ben answered the phone sounding like he’d been asleep. Brian tried to
find his voice but nothing happened. "Hello?"
"Ben......." Brian finally managed to croak out.
"Brian........what is it?"
"I........I need a ride.......can't drive...”
"Okay.....where are you?"
”Home." That answer confused Ben.
"Where do you need a ride to?"
"Hospital." Ben sat up straight in bed and silenced Michael as he started to ask
questions.
"Brian......are you hurt?"
"No.....need to get there......please." Okay, there was definitely something
wrong because Brian was almost incoherent.
"Okay, Brian. Just stay calm and meet me downstairs. I'll be there in a few
minutes."
"Okay." Brian then hung up. Ben got up and got dressed.
"What's going on?" Michael asked.
"There's something wrong with Brian. He says he's not hurt but that he needs to
get to the hospital. He's really out of it, Michael."
"He's on something." Michael said with a derisive chuckle.
"No......it's worse than that. Something's really wrong." The worry in Ben's
voice was extremely evident. Having not been the one to talk to Brian, Michael
had no idea what tone of voice the other man had used. Ben, however, did.
Michael nodded and got up and started to get dressed. Together they got into the
car and headed to the loft. When they got there, they were both shocked by what
they saw. Brian was sitting on the front steps of the building. He had his
elbows on his knees and his face in his hands and his shoulders were shaking
slightly. He was wearing the same suit he’d worn that morning at the diner only
his tie was gone and his clothes looked a bit crumpled. Michael got out and came
over to sit with Brian.
"Brian?" When Brian looked up there were tears rolling down his cheeks. Ben sat
down on Brian's other side and put an arm around Brian's shoulders. Michael was
only jealous for a second when Brian rested his head on Ben's shoulder, but this
was no time for petty squabbles.
"Brian, what's wrong?" Ben asked.
"Justin......" Was all he could manage before he burst into tears, burying his
face against Ben's neck. He hadn't even seen the body yet and he knew. He just
knew that it was Justin.
"Brian.......calm down. You said you need to get to the hospital?" Brian only
nodded and Ben helped him stand. "Come on." Michael helped Ben get Brian into
the car and they headed to the hospital. The only sound in the car was Brian's
soft sobs from the back seat.
Horvath was waiting by the ER entrance as he had promised. His heart literally
broke when he saw Brian. He talked to him softly for a minute, then put an arm
around his shoulders and started to lead him to the morgue. Horvath was amazed
at the fact that Brian allowed him to touch him, let alone that he was actually
leaning on Horvath for support as he walked. He suddenly felt very sorry for
Brian.
Horvath led Brian to the viewing room. On the other side of the glass was the
body, completely covered by the sheet. Brian let go of Horvath and leaned
forward on the little ledge under the window, barely able to remain standing on
his own. The medical examiner came in and Horvath nodded. Horvath could tell by
Brian's reaction who it was laying on that table, though he had a pretty good
suspicion before then. His face went pale and his knees buckled. Brian sobbed
hysterically.
There he was, on the table. His skin was paler than usual except for the places
that he’d been beaten. Brian could only see from the neck up but that was more
than enough. Justin had been beaten to death, or so he thought. When he was
finally able to calm down enough to find his voice he looked up at Horvath, not
realizing until that moment that he was on the floor.
"How...." was all he could get out.
"Stabbed, actually. We found him in an alley not far from the diner. He'd been
beaten pretty badly and then stabbed five times. From the initial inspection of
the body the ME said he was raped as well." At that moment Brian's stomach
decided to protest. Since he hadn't actually had anything to eat since lunch
there wasn't much to throw up, but he double over until every last bit was gone,
along with a bit of stomach acid. Horvath had just looked away while it
happened. He hated this part of his job more than anything else. Having to watch
someone identify the body of their loved one was actually worse than having to
deliver the news that said loved one might be the dead body they had in the
morgue. When it was obvious Brian was finished, Horvath helped him stand and
lead him out to the waiting room, getting him a cup of water.
"Thanks" Brian said, downing the water quickly. By that time Debbie and Jennifer
had shown up. Jennifer could tell by the way Brian looked that what she had
feared was true and she started to cry. Debbie, with tears running down her own
cheeks, hugged the other woman and held her as she cried. Brian stood and walked
over to them, still a little shaky on his feet.
"I.......I'm sorry.......I'm so sorry.......I was supposed to protect
him....keep him safe.........I'm sorry." Brian started to cry again, unable to
keep the tears at bay as the wave of guilt crashed over him. Jennifer looked up
and then hugged him.
"It's not your fault, Brian......you did the best you could......it's not your
fault." They stood there like that for several minutes before Horvath came over.
"Do you know who did this?" Debbie asked. Everyone was shocked when Horvath
nodded.
"We've actually got him in custody now. They found Justin because he was fleeing
the scene. It's hard not to spot someone covered in blood." They all nodded.
"Who?" Brian asked and Horvath paused a minute before saying anything.
"Are any of you familiar with an Ethan Gold?"
"Ethan?" Jennifer asked, totally shocked.
"The fucking fiddler?" Brian went from distraught to livid in seconds.
"Yes." Horvath said. "He was the one we caught. He tried to say that he was
trying to help Justin and that's how he got blood everywhere, but we found the
knife not far from the body and his fingerprints were all over it. They're doing
a DNA match on the semen just to be safe."
"Wait......you mean.......he raped him raw?" Brian asked. Horvath looked a
little confused.
"He means without a condom." Debbie explained and Horvath nodded.
"We're pretty sure it's a match but we have to double check."
"That fucker better pay."
"We're going to do everything we can to make sure that happens." Horvath nodded.
He completely understood how Brian felt. He didn't know Justin all that well,
just from what Debbie told him, but he knew that they were all very close. He
wanted to make Ethan pay for hurting someone that was important to someone he
cared about.
*****
Brian stood in front of the full-length mirror in the loft,
checking over his appearance. He was wearing black from head to toe. Black suit,
black shirt, black tie, and black shoes. He ran his fingers through his hair and
sighed. He couldn't believe that Justin was really gone. He was about to get
into the Jeep and head to the cemetery to attend the funeral of the man he
loved. It had been a week since the day Justin was murdered. Ethan was already
scheduled for a hearing in three days. The DA had worked quickly on getting the
trial. The fact that he was a friend of Brian's had a little something to do
with that. He sighed, then grabbed his keys and left.
Brian wasn't at all surprised at the turn out. Justin was a very loveable young
man who made friends easily. Several of the attendees were regulars at the
diner, that being their only connection to Justin. He couldn't help but smile
slightly. The only women in the small church were Daphne, Debbie, Jennifer,
Molly and the munchers. Six women in a room full of about a hundred people.
Brian was only slightly surprised to see Craig Taylor sitting with Jennifer.
Brian was amazed when he found out that Reverend Tom approached Jennifer asking
if he could do the service. The main reason he was amazed was that Justin and
his family were not Catholic. The other reason was that he wondered what it
would do for the priest's reputation that he performed the funeral service for
an openly gay young man. Apparently Reverend Tom Butterfield didn't care about
that. Brian searched for him when he walked into the church. It was still
several minutes before the service was to start.
"I want to thank you for doing this." Brian said as he walked up to the man. Tom
nodded.
"It's the least I could do. I didn't know him very well, but I know he was a
wonderful young man. I'm very sorry." Brian just closed his eyes and nodded,
trying to keep the tears at bay. He’d been crying quite a bit in the last week.
"What made you decide to do it?"
"Justin deserves a proper service by someone that won't judge his lifestyle."
Again Brian nodded. He truly appreciated what the reverend was doing.
"You realize that a lot of people in your parish aren't going to be happy about
this?" This time it was Tom's turn to nod.
"I do, but I honestly don't care. They can think what they want of me; the only
opinion that matters is God's." He smiled and Brian couldn't help but smile too.
They shook hands and then Brian went to find his seat. After Tom delivered a
beautiful service he looked at the crowd before him.
"I know that many of you here were very close to Justin Taylor. You loved him
very much. Though none of you loved him more than any of the others, there is
one man in the room that loved him more than anything. Brian came to me right
after I volunteered to do the service and said that he would like to say a few
things about Justin." Tom moved away from the podium at that point and Brian
stood, taking a deep breath and smoothing the front of his suit before walking
up.
"Almost three years ago I saw a gorgeous blonde twink standing under a lamp post
on Liberty Avenue and I just had to take him home. Little did I know that
decision would forever change my life. He pestered and annoyed and followed me
for the longest time." At that several people laughed. "Eventually I got to
where I didn't want him to go away. I pretended and protested and acted like I
didn't love him. Then, one magical night in the spring of his senior year I
realized while dancing with him at his prom that I really did love him very
much. Moments later he was almost taken away from me by an asshole with a
baseball bat. Luckily, he wasn't.
"We had a pretty messed up relationship, but every night I went home to him. I
never knew how good it felt to have someone to come home to until Justin came
along. I thought I liked living alone. I was proven wrong. After a long bout of
thinking he was happy with someone else, and me being completely miserable, we
finally got things straightened out and were really, truly happy for a change. I
don't think I've ever been happier in my life than I was when Justin and I got
back together. I know that I will always love him. I will always remember him."
He smiled a moment. "There's a song that will forever remind me of Justin
Taylor." To everyone's surprise, Brian started singing.
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray.
You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine
away." By the end of the song, his voice was shaking. Tears poured down his
cheeks and he just couldn't find his voice again. He pulled a handkerchief out
of his pocket and wiped at his eyes as he resumed his seat.
Later that evening Brian lay in bed staring at the ceiling. He hadn't been able
to sleep all week. The bed seemed unusually large and cold. As he lay there he
suddenly remembered the second verse of the song that reminded him so much of
his beloved sunshine. He started singing softly to himself.
"The other night, dear, as I was sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my arms. When
I awoke, dear, I was mistaken, and I hung my head and cried." Brian rolled over
and buried his face in the pillow before crying himself to sleep.
Return to
Rena's