Sunshine Series

You Are My Sunshine
 

Brian was sitting at the bar at Woody's working on his tenth glass of Beam. He’d been in this similar position every day for the last two years. His work performance was starting to be effected, but not enough to get him fired. He rarely slept, and he hadn't had a trick in months. He spent most of his time getting totally drunk, then going home and spending the night kneeling to the porcelain god.

Justin noticed Brian sitting there as soon as he walked in the door. It was obvious Brian came straight from work because he was still wearing his suit, the jacket lying on the stool beside him. When Brian finished his drink, he ordered another one.

"I think you've had enough, Bri." The man said. It was unusual for bartenders to address Brian in such a way, but considering what Justin had heard, they were probably close friends by now.

"Fuck you, Josh, just gimme anudder one." Brian held out the glass unsteadily. Justin decided it was time to intervene.

"Brian you need to stop this. Just...let me take you home, okay?"

Brian looked at Justin, then at the bartender.

"Fuck you both, I'm going home." He stood unsteadily and started to put his jacket on, then staggered to the door as he searched for his keys.

"You can't drive like that, Brian, let me take you home."

"No, I'm fine. Go away." He located his keys and dropped them. Justin took this opportunity to snatch the keys.

"I'm driving."

"No, you're no'" Brian reached for the keys and almost fell over. Justin managed to catch him, but was almost knocked over as well under the man's weight.

"Jesus, Brian, how much do you weigh?" Justin wasn't really expecting an answer as he led the man out to the Jeep. Brian walked along, leaning heavily against Justin. Once Justin had Brian situated, he went around and got in. They’d been driving maybe two minutes when Justin heard Brian snoring. He smiled slightly.

When Justin pulled up in front of the loft, he managed to get Brian to wake up enough to walk, but that was about all he could do. Justin smiled when the key code to get into the building worked, then hauled Brian into the elevator, leaning the man against the wall for the ride up. When they got to the top, Justin pulled Brian along and leaned him against the wall so that he could open the door. The place hadn't changed a bit in the two years that he'd been gone. He managed to maneuver Brian into the bedroom and lay him down on the bed. When he started to undress Brian, he heard the man humming.

"What's that you're humming?" Justin asked as he slowly slid Brian's pants off.

"Jus' a song."

"What song?"

"Song tha' 'minds me of Justin." It was at that moment that Justin realized Brian had no idea who he was. He debated for a full second as to whether or not he was going to take advantage of the older man's state of inebriation. Deciding that it wouldn't be too bad as long as nobody knew, he went for it.

"That selfish little twink?" Justin asked. Brian sat up and glared at him angrily.

"Don' you talk abou' Justin like tha'. He's a good kid." He then lay back down on the bed and went back to humming. Justin thought that he recognized the song, but he needed further confirmation.

"Can you sing it for me?" He wasn’t really expecting a response. Brian was quiet for a moment, then started singing off key.

"You are my Sunshine...my only Sunshine...you make me happy...when skies are gray. You'll never know dear...how much I love you. Please don't take my Sunshine away." There was another moment of silence and then Brian whispered. "Fucking fiddler took my Sunshine away." He sniffled and Justin looked up to see tears rolling down Brian's cheeks.

"You miss him, don't you?" Brian simply nodded, not making any move to wipe away the tears. After Justin had him undressed and in bed, he pulled the covers up and kissed his forehead. He couldn't believe that such a simple song, a child's song, could convey every feeling that Brian had for him.

"I never told him I love him. I showed him all the time, but it wasn't enough. He wanted the words and I wouldn't give them to him so he left."

"Maybe your Sunshine will come back someday."

"No...he's gone. He doesn't love me anymore...not that I really deserve him anyway."

"You'd be surprised, Brian. Maybe he still loves you and just doesn't know that he can come back." When Brian started snoring, Justin realized he’d fallen asleep again. He made sure that Brian was tucked in, checked the alarm clock, making sure it was set, kissed Brian's cheek then walked out the door, setting the alarm before he left. Maybe Sunshine would come back. Only time would tell.

 

*****

My Only Sunshine


Brian woke up with possibly the worst headache of his life. Even with all the drinking he’d done lately, his hangovers were never as bad as this one. He decided to call in sick to work. He then made sure that all the blinds and curtains were shut, plunging the loft into darkness before going back to bed.

Each knock as someone pounded on his door, several hours later, was like a spike going through his skull. He vaguely remembered getting up and making sure the loft was as dark as possible. He groaned as he got up and went to answer the door. As expected, a slightly panicked Mikey was on the other side.

"What the fuck do you want?" Brian asked gruffly as he walked to the kitchen to start a pot of coffee, leaving the door open for Michael to come in.

"Are you okay? You didn't show up for breakfast and I called your office and Cynthia said that you’d called in sick."

"Just a massive headache that will go away as soon as you do." Brian retorted, then went about making coffee. Mikey gave him a dirty look.

"Justin told us you were pretty drunk." At that Brian stopped. He looked at Mikey with a raised eyebrow.

"What was that?"

"Justin was at the diner today. No sign of him for two years and then he just shows up. He said that you were really drunk last night and that he brought you home. I bet you don't even remember last night, do you?" Mikey asked accusingly. Brian closed his eyes for a minute and tried to think.

"Not at the moment, but it'll probably come back to me eventually. It usually does."

"Yeah, well, you wouldn't have to worry about that if you would stop trying to drink yourself to death."

"Mikey, I get enough of this shit from your mother; I don't need it from you."

"Well, I just came to make sure you're okay. Oh, and apparently Justin and that Ethan kid broke up." Mikey started to leave. Brian was suddenly interested in talking to him.

"Wait.....what? When did this happen?" Brian asked. Mikey shrugged.

"He wouldn't tell us much; just that they haven't been together for a while and that he's moving back to Pittsburgh. Apparently when he and Ethan parted ways he moved to New York for a while or something. Ted and Em and I were really just over hearing what he was telling my mom."

"A lot of fucking good that does me, Mikey." Brian sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.

"You're not actually considering trying to get back with him, are you?"

"And what if I am?"

"Brian, he left you for that Ethan kid. HE left YOU! And you're willing to just forgive him for that?"

"Mikey, he didn't just leave; I practically pushed him out the door. The question isn't whether or not I’ll take him back; it's whether or not he’ll take me. I did some pretty shitty things to him along with the good. And he probably thinks that I haven't changed at all."

"But you haven't changed." Mikey commented.

"Fuck you, Mikey. If you'd been paying attention you'd realize that I have changed. I may be drinking like a fish, but I haven't had a trick in months, and as far as I know, Anita thinks I'm dead. So I have changed some. So, did he say where he was staying?"

"He said that he's staying with his mom until he can find his own place." Mikey answered with a dejected sigh. Brian suddenly realized what this was all about.

"Mikey, when are you going to get it through your thick skull that we will NEVER be more than friends? Besides, you've got Ben. He's a great guy. I like him and I like you with him. Be happy with Ben, okay?" Brian kissed him and Mikey made a face.

"Brush your teeth before you do that next time." He said and Brian laughed. They said their goodbyes and Brian went to take a shower. He was on a mission. It was amazing how quickly a hangover would disappear when you had something to focus on. He dressed in one of his best Armani suits, black with a deep purple shirt and matching tie, made sure his hair was perfect, he was wearing a pair of Prada shoes that were shined to a mirror finish. He stopped at a little flower shop and purchased a dozen, deep red, long stem roses, surrounded by baby's breath and accented with fern leaves, then got into the Jeep and headed to the home of Jennifer Taylor.

 

*****

You make me happy


To say that Jennifer Taylor was shocked to see Brian Kinney standing at her door dressed to the nines and holding a bouquet of roses would have been the understatement of the century. She stood there for a moment before managing to speak.

"Hello, Brian." She said. Brian nodded.

"Hello. Um.....is Justin here?"

"No, I'm afraid he's not. He's out apartment hunting with Daphne at the moment."

"I thought Daphne was going to an out of state college." He seemed confused.

"She is, but she's home visiting her parents and she agreed to help Justin find a place." He stood there silently for a moment, then held out the roses.

"Can you please give these to him for me? Tell him that I'd appreciate a call, but, of course, it's totally up to him." She nodded as she took the roses. Instinctively she smelled them and smiled.

"You know something like this was all he wanted from you before."

"I know that, and I was stupid not to do something as simple as buying some flowers. I almost did once, but changed my mind. It was one of the biggest mistakes I ever made. You can tell him this or not, it's up to you, but I've missed him a lot these past two years. I never realized how much he meant to me until he was gone."

"Well, Brian, as much as I don't like the fact that you're old enough to be my younger brother, I think that Justin deserves someone that loves him and will take good care of him and I can't imagine anyone else doing that but you." Jennifer said. Brian smiled.

"Thanks. Um......just give him the message, okay?"

"I will." She started to turn and then stopped. "It's really nice seeing you again Brian. And you look wonderful." She tried to hide a smile when she noticed the faintest of blushes coming to Brian's cheeks.

"Thank you. It's nice seeing you again too." He smiled, slipped his sunglasses back on, then left. She stood in the doorway for a moment before going and putting the roses in some water. She decided that the best place for the roses was right in the center of the coffee table where Justin would see them as soon as he walked in the door.
 

*****

Justin smiled when he saw the roses, no doubt from the man that was after his mother. She'd been putting him off for a while, not really wanting to date again, and he almost laughed at the attempt. He went over and smelled them, then went into the kitchen.

"Those are beautiful roses, mom, who are they from?" He took a bottle of water from the fridge, opened it and started to take a drink. He didn't notice Jennifer's smirk as she answered.

"They're from Brian." Justin spit water everywhere and started coughing. Jennifer tried to keep from laughing. After he finally calmed his cough, Justin looked at her with wide eyes.

"What did you just say?"

"I said they're from Brian. He came by looking for you earlier. My goodness Justin, you should have seen him. He was all dressed up in one of his fancy suits with this bouquet of roses and he asked if you were home. The look on his face when I told him that you weren't just broke my heart. Justin......he's missed you a lot and he still loves you very much."

"Still? That would only apply if he actually loved me to begin with." He scoffed and sat down, taking another drink of water.

"Justin, he's loved you all along, you just refused to see it. You let people talk you into the idea that Brian Kinney doesn't love anybody and that's just a bunch of bullshit. You've seen him with his son. You know that he has a heart and that he is capable of love. I've been talking a lot to Debbie and she's told me a lot about Brian. He doesn't know how to show love because he was never shown love. So don't say that he never loved you because, with everything he did, he proved that he does. And this......he brought roses, Justin. The one thing that you asked from him when you were together and he did it in the hopes of being able to at least talk to you. He's not even expecting you to call; I could tell that from his tone. He thinks that he's lost you forever, but he's trying anyway. Justin, at the very least, call the man. Let him have his say. If you still don't think he loves you after that, then that's up to you. But give him a chance. You'd be amazed at how much he's changed."

Justin sat there a moment, contemplating her words. Was it true? Did Brian really love him? He sat there sipping at his water, then made a decision.

"Mom, I'm borrowing the car again." He got up and walked into the living room, picking up the vase of roses and taking it with him out to the garage. Jennifer sighed slightly when he was out the door. She feared he was going to return the roses. As much as she loved her son, sometimes she just wanted to smack him upside the head. How could he be so dense as to not see every act of love Brian ever did?

Brian wasn't sure whether to be happy or sad that Justin was walking up to the loft with the roses in his hand. He’d watched the young man pull up to the building and get out of the car. As Brian waited for the elevator to reach the top, he had the distinct feeling that Justin was returning the roses. He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, then went and got a shirt. He’d been putting some finishing touches on a campaign, sitting there in nothing but a pair of jeans. He heard the knock on the door just as he was walking back out, wearing a tight white t-shirt.

"Hello, Justin." He said as he opened the door, then stepped aside so that Justin could enter if he wanted to. Justin came in and set the roses on the kitchen counter.

"My mom tells me that you brought these by earlier today, is that true?" There was a hint of anger in his tone. Brian looked down, then nodded. "She also said that you want to try to get back together, is that true?" Again he nodded.

"Look, it was just a thought. I understand if you don't want to."

"You think a dozen roses will get me to come back?"

"I had to try." Brian still wouldn't look up so Justin allowed himself to smirk. "Justin.....I've missed you. A lot more than I thought I would. I just....." He sighed. "Look, forget it. You obviously don't want to get back together so don't worry about it." He turned and headed to the bedroom.

"Say it." Justin demanded. Brian stopped and turned to look at Justin.

"Say what?"

"You know what. The only thing I ever wanted you to say. Say it." Brian raised an eyebrow. A smile spread across his face as he realized what Justin wanted.

"You think you can barge into my home and force me to say that I love you? Well, you've got another thing coming, twink."

"Watch who you're calling twink, old man." Justin said with a smile. "Is that the only way you're ever going to say it?" Brian walked over and put his hands on Justin's cheeks, looking him in the eye.

"I love you, Justin. I always have and I always will. I was stupid and stubborn for not saying it before." Justin blinked back some tears as he looked up at Brian.

"That's all I ever wanted to hear, Brian." They came together in a passionate kiss that seemed to last for eternity.

 

*****

When Skies Are Gray


Brian was sitting in first class sipping a Beam and Coke and staring down at the report in front of him. He was on his way to yet another client meeting. He sighed heavily, wishing more than anything to be at home with Justin rather than on a plane with Cynthia.

"Client meeting in San Francisco. I bet you're looking forward to this one, hmmm?" She asked with a smirk.

"Actually, I'm not."

"What? San Fran is the gay capitol of the world. Tons of hot guys just waiting to get fucked."

"I know. That's the problem." He sighed and closed the folder, moving away from the hand Cynthia had just placed on his forehead.

"Are you feeling okay, boss?"

"Ha, ha. Very funny, Cyn. But....there's going to be a great deal of temptation and that's totally not what I need right now." He looked down at his drink. "I really want this to work with Justin this time so.....we've agreed to be.....monogamous." He said the word quietly. Brian Kinney and monogamous just didn't go together well. Cynthia blinked and looked at him like he’d grown a third eye.

"Are you serious?" she asked finally.

"Look in my luggage. Not a single condom or tube of lube."

"Holy shit, you ARE serious." She sat there in shock for a moment, then smiled. "This is great! Brian, I'm so happy for you." She hugged him and he sighed.

"Happy that I've committed myself to a twink?"

"Happy that you've committed yourself at all! You know, I've never told you this, but I have always worried about you. You seem so happy now. I think this is going to be good for you."

"Well, we'll see how you feel about that when you inevitably walk in on me jerking it." He laughed when she made a face.

"We are SO having separate rooms."

*****

Brian was sitting at his desk trying to put the finishing touches on yet another fucked up campaign when he looked at the clock. He was supposed to be home in twenty minutes and there was no way that was going to happen. Even though they had only gotten back together a little over a month ago, he and Justin had decided there was no point in not living together. They’d done it before, and this time they were trying to make it work; everything was a pro with very little cons. Except for the fact that Brian had been working late a lot. He picked up the phone and called home.

"Let me guess, you're working late again." Justin said with a bit of anger in his tone. Brian was starting to wonder if caller ID was such a good idea after all.

"I'm sorry, but this has to get done. I'll be home as soon as I can."

"Yeah, whatever." Justin hung up before Brian could say another word. Though he seemed a little less upset about Brian's time at work at first, it was obvious that Justin didn't like the amount of time Brian spent doing his job. If he wasn't at the office late, he brought work home and wasn't able to spend very much time with Justin. Brian sighed heavily. He vowed that as soon as this campaign was done, he would take a vacation with Justin somewhere. He wouldn't, however, get the young man's hopes up until the very last possible minute, remembering what a fiasco the non-existent trip to Vermont had been.

When Brian finally managed to make it home around ten thirty, he was exhausted. He put his briefcase down just inside the door and walked in, taking his jacket off and draping it over one of the bar stools. The loft was unusually dark.

"Justin?" Brian looked around as he removed his tie and started to unbutton his shirt. No sign of the boy anywhere. That was when he noticed a note sitting in the middle of the bed. He picked it up and read it.
 

Brian,

Got tired of waiting so I went to get a bite to eat, then I'm going to Babylon. Meet me there or whatever. Don't wait up.

Justin.

Brian frowned when he read the note. This can't be good, he thought as he started to change. He decided to take a quick shower, then head to Babylon. He was sure that Justin would be there by now. After changing clothes, he headed to the club. It took him all of ten seconds to find Michael, Ted and Emmett at the bar. Brian ordered a double Beam straight up and then looked at the three men who were intently studying him.

"What?" He asked, a little annoyed.

"Nothing." Emmett said.

"You guys seen Justin?" Brian took a sip from his drink. The three men looked at each other, then looked at Brian. All three nodded, but none said a word.

"Where is he?" Brian questioned, even more annoyed. Michael cleared his throat.

"Um......you see......we're not really sure. He was dancing with this guy a little while ago. We turned away to look at someone and when we turned back he was gone."

"The guy he was dancing with was pretty hot." Emmett spoke up, receiving dirty looks from Ted and Michael. "What? He was." Just then a cold lump formed in Brian's stomach. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, then downed the rest of his Beam.

"I'm sure it's not what you think, Brian." Ted said, trying to calm him down. Ted always seemed to have bad timing as just then, Justin emerged from the back room, the aforementioned man in tow and a big smile on his face. Brian set the glass down on the bar hard enough that it shattered. He ignored the cuts on his hand and just headed out of the bar. Justin walked over and looked at the bar, then looked at the guys, having not noticed Brian.

"What happened?"

"Brian happened." Michael said.

"He saw me?" Justin asked, looking like he was totally calm. All three men nodded and the young blond smirked. "Good." He then walked out the door, leaving the three men totally stumped as to what in the hell was really going on.

Brian had taken care of his hand, removing glass and bandaging it, then sat down at the computer to check his email. He was trying very hard to stay calm. Maybe it was all an act. Maybe they hadn't actually been doing anything. Maybe he was losing his mind thinking that Justin would take someone to the back room just to talk. As he thought about it, he got angrier. Once his email was checked, he got on the treadmill and started running. He'd been running about twenty minutes when Justin came home.

The blonde simply walked into the bedroom, completely ignoring Brian. He made his way into the bathroom, stripped and turned the shower on, stepping inside and letting the water run over his face. After completely cleaning off, he went into the bedroom, stopping when he saw Brian in the doorway.

"Washing away the evidence?" Brian asked. The anger in his voice was unmistakable.

"That would be stupid since I know that you know. I saw the broken glass on the bar. How is your hand?"

"Do you really give a shit or are you just trying to change the subject?"

"I actually care."

"My hand is fine. Nothing to worry about. Now, you tell me. What the fuck were you doing?!" His volume had risen with the last question.

"I believe his name was Aaron, I'm not sure." He replied with a smirk.

"You know.....this whole monogamy thing was your idea. If things have changed it would be nice if you would tell me."

"I thought you decided things had changed a while back." The blond changed from sarcasm to anger in a matter of seconds.

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"You've been 'working late' a lot lately, haven't you?" Justin made quotes with his fingers when he said working late. Brian blinked as he looked at the young man.

"You think that I've been tricking instead of working late? You really think I would do that?" Justin crossed his arms over his chest and raised an eyebrow.

"I don't know, you tell me." Justin said. Brian threw his arms in the air.

"You are so full of shit, you know that?"

"Am I?"

"Yes, you are. Justin, how in the hell did you come to the conclusion that I'm cheating on you? I'm a partner. I've told you before that I work a lot. You've seen me bring work home. Why the fuck would I waste time with a trick when I could be getting work done? And do you honestly think I could put together three major ad campaigns if I was tricking every night instead of actually working?"

"I'm just going on past history, Brian."

"Oh no you're not. If you were going on past history you would trust me. I never lied to you about tricking. I never made an excuse. I am ALWAYS honest. I have always been honest. Why would I start lying now? Then there's the fact that I told you before we got back together that I hadn't had a trick in months. Why would I start after getting you back? I don't need tricks, Justin, I've got you. You haven't even thought about any of this, have you?" Justin remained quiet. Brian sighed. "You can't even convince yourself to trust me, can you? I'm really trying here, Justin, but if you're going to fly off the handle like this on a regular basis we can't do this." Justin's eyes went wide.

"What do you mean?"

"What do you think I mean? You obviously don't feel you can't trust me to keep my word and I can't be with someone that can't trust me. You should have thought about the fact that back when you made those stinking rules, I followed every one of them. YOU were the one that broke the rules, not me. I was willing to try to trust you this time around and look where it got me. It got me watching you walking out of the backroom with a trick."

"Brian.......what are you saying?" Justin asked. Brian went into the bedroom and rummaged around in the closet for a while. Justin stayed where he was in the living room. After a minute, Brian came out with a duffel bag over one shoulder and a garment bag in his hand. He looked at Justin.

"I'm saying that maybe this was a mistake, Justin. I'm going to a hotel. You can have the loft until your stuff is all moved out. Just let me know so I can come back home." He started to walk out the door.

"Brian....wait...." Brian stopped but didn't turn. "Brian....I...."

"Don't, Justin. It was just a bad idea, that's all. Goodbye, Justin."

"Don't you mean later?" Justin asked shakily. Brian turned and looked at the younger man. Justin could see tears rolling down his cheeks. It broke his heart that he had caused those tears.

"No, Justin. I mean good bye." He then walked out the door, locking it behind him.
 

*****

You'll Never Know Dear


"What have I done?" Justin cried just before downing the shot of Beam in his hand. The glass joined seven others as he placed it on the bar. He tapped the rim of the glass and Todd, the bartender, just shook his head.

"You've had enough." Justin sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. He rested his chin on his folded arms on the bar. That's when Emmett showed up. He'd been watching Justin drink away his sorrows for the last several minutes and decided it was time to intervene.

"What's wrong, baby?" Emmett started to rub Justin's back gently. He was almost toppled when the young blonde hugged him, crying on his shoulder.

"Brian's gone, Em. He's gone"

"What do you mean, he's gone?"

"He left.......Emmett....he.....he broke up with me!" That was the last thing he expected to hear from Justin.

"What happened?" Emmett just held Justin, rubbing his back and trying to calm him down.

"I.....I accused him of cheating." Justin's sobs became even stronger, shaking his whole body. Emmett tried to keep from snickering.

"Honey, that's nothing new with Brian."

"But Em.......we agreed to be monogamonomous." Justin's drunkenness was starting to show.

"What?" Emmett asked after picking his jaw up off the floor.

"We agreed to be monogamous."

"And you thought he was cheating?" Justin nodded and sniffled.

"I........he was working late so much. I thought he was lying to cover up cheating."

"But.......Brian's never lied about it before."

"That's what he said........he said that I was thinking he was doing to me what I did to him with Ethan. He said he couldn't be with someone that didn't trust him and he left."

"Oh, honey, I'm sure he'll be back."

"He went to a hotel, Emmett. He grabbed some stuff and went to a hotel and said I better be gone by the time he comes back." Emmett wasn't sure what to do about that. It wasn't like Brian to voluntarily leave the loft. Especially when kicking someone out of it.

"Maybe he just needs some time to cool off" He was definitely grasping at straws here.

"He said 'good-bye' Emmett. Not 'later', not 'see ya'. Good-bye, meaning he never wants to see me again."

"Oh my" was all Emmett could manage. He simply held Justin and let him cry while he tried to sort things out. "Justin.....did he say which hotel?" The blonde shook his head and Emmett mentally cursed. That wasn't good. That wasn't good at all. Brian leaving the loft meant he wasn't going to be around to give Justin a chance to apologize. The fact that he said "good-bye" did indicate that he never wanted to see the blonde again. And the fact that he left no information as to which hotel he was staying in meant he really wanted to be alone. This was beyond bad.

"What have I done?" Justin cried again.

"Justin, baby, here's what you're going to do. You're going to go home, take a nice hot shower, get some sleep and tomorrow you and I are going to figure things out, okay?" Justin nodded and Emmett nodded to the bartender who was holding out the phone in the silent question of calling a cab. After Justin was in the cab, an extra fifty to the driver to make sure he got inside safely, Emmett went about the business of tracking down Brian.

The next day Emmett stood in front of the Renaissance Pittsburgh Hotel. Apparently Brian was one for always letting his assistant know where he would be. Getting the information from Cynthia had been as simple as explaining that he really needed to talk to Brian and Brian wasn't answering his phone. That didn't seem to come as a shock to the woman that had been working for Brian for God only knows how long. She gladly gave over the location of his whereabouts.

Finding Brian in this hotel was only slightly surprising. It wasn't the best hotel in town, but it wasn't the worst. It looked, however, like Brian had chosen it for location. While it was about a twenty-minute drive from the loft, it was walking distance from the office building in which Brian worked. He could wake up with just enough time to shower, shave and get dressed and have a ten-minute walk to work. With Brian's long legs it would probably be more like five.

Emmett walked up to the room and knocked on the door. He knew that Brian was in there. There was soft music playing and the Jeep was in the parking lot. Of course Brian was willing to shell out the extra money to have the Jeep valet parked even though he didn't really need to use it while he stayed here. When there was no answer, Emmett knocked again. When Brian finally opened the door he looked as if he had just come out of the shower.

"What the fuck do you want?" Brian left the door open as he turned and headed back into the room. Emmett was struck by exactly how attractive Brian really was. Especially when he was wearing nothing but a towel and was soaking wet. No wonder everybody wanted to fuck him. Emmett was even getting the slightest inclination toward the idea when he remembered why he was here.

"What's going on with you and Justin?" He walked in and shut the door as Brian turned and glared at him.

"That's none of your fucking business." Brian grabbed a second towel and started drying his hair. Emmett sighed heavily.

"I think it is considering that Justin was at Woody's last night drinking himself stupid. He was crying and so heart broken. Brian, you should have seen it."

"He should have thought of that before he accused me of breaking my word. You know me, Em. When I promise to do something, at the very least when I promise to do something that means something to me, I do it. I promised him I'd be monogamous and the first chance he got he accuses me of cheating." Brian had been drying his hair the whole time. At that moment he pulled the towel down over his shoulders, holding each end and looked Emmett in the eye. "Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? To know that after everything I did for him.....all the fucking rules and everything, that he thinks he can't trust me? I'm the one that shouldn't trust him. He's the one that cheated."

"And it's obvious that you haven't really forgiven him for that." Emmett said dryly.

"Why should I now?"

"Brian.....he's really sorry. And I mean REALLY sorry. He knows he fucked up and he regrets it. He loves you so much. It was just insecurity, Brian and you know it. Please, just talk to him. Don't throw all of this away over one mistake. You two have been through way too much together to let that happen." Brian looked at Emmett for a minute, then sighed heavily. He went over and got a bottle of water from the mini bar, leaving the towel draped around his shoulders and took a drink. He looked like he was thinking it over. Emmett could almost see the wheels turning in his head. He stood there silently, waiting for an answer. Finally, after several minutes, Brian spoke.

"Alright, fine. I'll talk to him. But that's it. I'm not making any promises." Emmett came over and kissed Brian's cheek, laughing at the disgusted face Brian made. He grabbed the towel and started scrubbing at his cheek.

"Thank you, Brian." Emmett smiled, then headed out the door to go tell Justin the wonderful news.
 

*****

How Much I Love You


Justin sat in the diner fidgeting. He was picking at an imaginary spot on the table as he waited for Brian to show up. Emmett had arranged for them to meet at the diner to have their discussion, but it was a day that Brian had to work so they would have to work around his schedule. Brian said that he had a meeting just before lunch but that he would meet with Justin around noon. Justin sighed when he looked at his watch. Noon was half an hour ago and Brian wasn't there yet. He probably wasn't coming. Just as he was about to give up and leave, Brian walked in the door, looking a little rattled, and took a seat.

"Meeting ran long." He said by way of apology. That usually meant that he got the account so Justin simply nodded. Brian took off his sunglasses and slipped them into the inside pocket of his jacket, then looked at Justin. "Mind if I eat while we talk? I didn't get a chance to eat breakfast."

"No, go right ahead." Justin smiled. Brian motioned for the waiter who took his usual order of a turkey sandwich on wheat, hold the mayo. Justin smirked, but wasn't able to remove it before Brian looked at him.

"What?"

"Ted's not the only predictable one in the group." He laughed. After a minute Brian just laughed and shook his head.

"So.....Emmett told me you were pretty torn up about what happened." He raised an eyebrow as he looked at the younger man. Justin looked down and started picking at the imaginary spot again. He sighed heavily, then looked back up at Brian and nodded.

"Brian......I'm sorry, okay? I know you think sorry's bullshit, but I am. You're right. I had no reason to think you were cheating on me. It was stupid and irrational. I'm not even going to try to make an excuse for it because there is no excuse. All I can say is that I love you and I really am very, VERY sorry about what I did. It was wrong of me and I can only hope that you'll be willing to forgive me, but I'll understand if you won't." Brian nodded and just sat there in silence for a minute. He was about to speak when his sandwich arrived. His appetite was suddenly diminished so he just picked at it. Finally he looked at Justin.

"You have to trust me. You know that I always keep my word. You've seen evidence of that. You also know that I love you and that I would never intentionally hurt you. And you know that I'm always honest about anything. You want to know something all you have to do is ask." Justin nodded.

"I know, Brian. I don't know what I was thinking-"

"You weren't." Brian cut him off and Justin simply nodded. They sat there in silence for a few minutes, then Brian smirked. "Was he any good?" Justin's confusion would have been evident to anyone.

"Huh?"

"That guy at Babylon the other night. Was he any good?" Brian asked.

"He was okay." Justin said with a shrug. Brian just smirked and raised an eyebrow and Justin blushed. "Okay, he was really good. And I know you saw him."

"He was hot." Brian conceded. "Look, even though I was mad when it happened, I can forgive that. It wouldn't be fair if I didn't. I can't say that I won't fuck up. I'm trying my best not to. I mean.....if I can go to San Francisco for three days and not trick I think maybe I can handle the Pitts." Justin laughed. "We're both going to have our fuck ups, Justin. So what I'm saying is.....don't worry about that guy, okay? Don't worry about this fuck up."

"Okay. So......what now?" Brian had to smile at the hopeful expression on Justin's face.

"Now I get to go back to work and deal with the residual paperwork of getting a new account." He sighed and looked down at the sandwich. Brian called the waiter over and got a to go box, then looked at Justin.

"So......see you at home?" Brian paused a minute. Not "see you at the loft", it was "see you at home". That had a nice ring to it. He smiled and nodded.

"Yeah.....see you at home." He leaned across the table and kissed Justin lightly on the lips before standing and grabbing his to go box. He smiled, slipped on his sunglasses and left. Justin sighed happily as he leaned back in the booth. Maybe things were going to work out after all.

 

*****

Please Don't Take My Sunshine Away


Justin was walking home from work. Brian had to work late and everybody else was busy. It was just getting dark so he didn't think Brian would have a problem with him walking. He couldn't believe that it had already been three months since the big fight that almost ended everything. He smiled as he thought about the past three months. Everything seemed to be going better than ever before. He pulled his jacket a little closer as a cold wind blew out of nowhere. He hated walking home when the weather was so volatile. It could be warm one minute and snowing the next, but he just didn't want to take a cab. He hated taking cabs.

There was still a bit of residual anxiety from the bashing. Whenever he passed a dark alley he got a miniscule rush of adrenaline and actually ran past the opening. He never had anything to actually worry about, and he never told anybody about it, but it was there nonetheless. As he passed one particular alley, he looked down for a second and noticed that his shoe was untied. After crossing the alley, he knelt down to tie it. Out of nowhere someone had a hand over his mouth and was dragging him into the alley.
 

*****

Brian finally managed to get home around ten. He hated it when he had to work so late, especially when he had someone waiting for him at home. He sighed heavily as he got off the elevator. What he could really use right now was a nice hot shower and a nice long fuck and then some sleep. That would make things perfect. He stopped when he opened the door and every last light in the loft was off.

"Justin?" He started to look around, turning on lights as he went. Maybe he was playing some kind of hide and seek. Brian smirked; he could definitely go for some playing before getting down to serious fucking. He started to loosen his tie as he looked around. The smile faded quickly when Justin was nowhere to be found. Brian double-checked every nook and cranny big enough to hold the blonde and a couple that weren't.

"Maybe he just went out." He said to himself, he then searched the entire loft again. No note. Okay, plan B: try the cell. Brian picked up the phone and dialed Justin's cell phone number. It rang several times, then went to voicemail. He tried again. This time it rang three times before it sounded like someone picked up. There was total silence on the line for about a minute, then it was hung up. Panic was officially setting in when he picked up the phone and called the diner.

"Liberty Diner." Debbie chirped into the phone.

"Is Justin still there?"

"No......he left about four hours ago."

"Fuck!" Brian started pacing.

"Brian, what's going on?"

"Debbie......he's not here."

"What do you mean he's not there?"

"He was supposed to come home from work. I had to work late so he was going to walk. He was supposed to be here by now but he's not anywhere. There's no note saying he went out. Deb, he always leaves a note!" The level of panic Brian had risen to shocked Debbie. She hadn't heard or seen Brian this scared since he moved out of his parents' house and didn't have to deal with his father anymore.

"Brian, just calm down. Did you try his cell?"

"Yeah. First time I got voicemail. Second time it sounded like somebody answered but nobody said anything and then hung up."

"That's not good"

"Really? You think?" The Brian everybody knew and loved was starting to appear. When scared, attack.

"Did you try calling his mom?"

"I'm not going to get Jennifer upset until I know what's going on."

"Okay, okay. Look, I'll talk to Horvath and see what he says, okay?"

"Okay. Call me as soon as you know anything."

"I will, Brian." She hung up and immediately called Horvath.
 

*****

Brian had been pacing in the loft since he hung up with Deb. He managed to stop long enough to get a shot of Beam, but other than that he just paced. He hadn't even taken the time to change clothes. He just had a feeling that something bad happened to Justin. He also had the feeling that it was his fault. If I had been able to give him a ride home, he thought to himself as he paced. He was supposed to be protecting Justin, taking care of him. He knew that Justin had enough money from tips to take a cab, but Justin always preferred to walk if there wasn't someone he knew to give him a ride home, and if the weather wasn't too bad. He had a slightly irrational fear of cab drivers for some reason. Brian nearly hit the ceiling when the phone rang.

"Yeah?"

"Mr. Kinney? This is Detective Horvath." Not good, not good at all. Debbie was supposed to call him back, not Horvath. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"Yes." His voice cracked regardless of his attempts to stay calm.

"Could you meet me at Mercy?"

"Um.....why?" His hands started shaking and his heart started racing. This was bad......very, very bad.... The next words out of Horvath's mouth caused Brian's knees to buckle.

"We need you to identify a body." Brian fell to his knees with a loud thud, loud enough that Horvath heard it on the other end. "Mr. Kinney?"

"Yeah.....I.....I'll be......right there."

"I'll meet you by the emergency room entrance."

"Thank........thank you." Brian hung up and just sat there for a minute. He picked up the phone and dialed another number.

"Hello?" Ben answered the phone sounding like he’d been asleep. Brian tried to find his voice but nothing happened. "Hello?"

"Ben......." Brian finally managed to croak out.

"Brian........what is it?"

"I........I need a ride.......can't drive...”

"Okay.....where are you?"

”Home." That answer confused Ben.

"Where do you need a ride to?"

"Hospital." Ben sat up straight in bed and silenced Michael as he started to ask questions.

"Brian......are you hurt?"

"No.....need to get there......please." Okay, there was definitely something wrong because Brian was almost incoherent.

"Okay, Brian. Just stay calm and meet me downstairs. I'll be there in a few minutes."

"Okay." Brian then hung up. Ben got up and got dressed.

"What's going on?" Michael asked.

"There's something wrong with Brian. He says he's not hurt but that he needs to get to the hospital. He's really out of it, Michael."

"He's on something." Michael said with a derisive chuckle.

"No......it's worse than that. Something's really wrong." The worry in Ben's voice was extremely evident. Having not been the one to talk to Brian, Michael had no idea what tone of voice the other man had used. Ben, however, did. Michael nodded and got up and started to get dressed. Together they got into the car and headed to the loft. When they got there, they were both shocked by what they saw. Brian was sitting on the front steps of the building. He had his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands and his shoulders were shaking slightly. He was wearing the same suit he’d worn that morning at the diner only his tie was gone and his clothes looked a bit crumpled. Michael got out and came over to sit with Brian.

"Brian?" When Brian looked up there were tears rolling down his cheeks. Ben sat down on Brian's other side and put an arm around Brian's shoulders. Michael was only jealous for a second when Brian rested his head on Ben's shoulder, but this was no time for petty squabbles.

"Brian, what's wrong?" Ben asked.

"Justin......" Was all he could manage before he burst into tears, burying his face against Ben's neck. He hadn't even seen the body yet and he knew. He just knew that it was Justin.

"Brian.......calm down. You said you need to get to the hospital?" Brian only nodded and Ben helped him stand. "Come on." Michael helped Ben get Brian into the car and they headed to the hospital. The only sound in the car was Brian's soft sobs from the back seat.

Horvath was waiting by the ER entrance as he had promised. His heart literally broke when he saw Brian. He talked to him softly for a minute, then put an arm around his shoulders and started to lead him to the morgue. Horvath was amazed at the fact that Brian allowed him to touch him, let alone that he was actually leaning on Horvath for support as he walked. He suddenly felt very sorry for Brian.

Horvath led Brian to the viewing room. On the other side of the glass was the body, completely covered by the sheet. Brian let go of Horvath and leaned forward on the little ledge under the window, barely able to remain standing on his own. The medical examiner came in and Horvath nodded. Horvath could tell by Brian's reaction who it was laying on that table, though he had a pretty good suspicion before then. His face went pale and his knees buckled. Brian sobbed hysterically.

There he was, on the table. His skin was paler than usual except for the places that he’d been beaten. Brian could only see from the neck up but that was more than enough. Justin had been beaten to death, or so he thought. When he was finally able to calm down enough to find his voice he looked up at Horvath, not realizing until that moment that he was on the floor.

"How...." was all he could get out.

"Stabbed, actually. We found him in an alley not far from the diner. He'd been beaten pretty badly and then stabbed five times. From the initial inspection of the body the ME said he was raped as well." At that moment Brian's stomach decided to protest. Since he hadn't actually had anything to eat since lunch there wasn't much to throw up, but he double over until every last bit was gone, along with a bit of stomach acid. Horvath had just looked away while it happened. He hated this part of his job more than anything else. Having to watch someone identify the body of their loved one was actually worse than having to deliver the news that said loved one might be the dead body they had in the morgue. When it was obvious Brian was finished, Horvath helped him stand and lead him out to the waiting room, getting him a cup of water.

"Thanks" Brian said, downing the water quickly. By that time Debbie and Jennifer had shown up. Jennifer could tell by the way Brian looked that what she had feared was true and she started to cry. Debbie, with tears running down her own cheeks, hugged the other woman and held her as she cried. Brian stood and walked over to them, still a little shaky on his feet.

"I.......I'm sorry.......I'm so sorry.......I was supposed to protect him....keep him safe.........I'm sorry." Brian started to cry again, unable to keep the tears at bay as the wave of guilt crashed over him. Jennifer looked up and then hugged him.

"It's not your fault, Brian......you did the best you could......it's not your fault." They stood there like that for several minutes before Horvath came over.

"Do you know who did this?" Debbie asked. Everyone was shocked when Horvath nodded.

"We've actually got him in custody now. They found Justin because he was fleeing the scene. It's hard not to spot someone covered in blood." They all nodded.

"Who?" Brian asked and Horvath paused a minute before saying anything.

"Are any of you familiar with an Ethan Gold?"

"Ethan?" Jennifer asked, totally shocked.

"The fucking fiddler?" Brian went from distraught to livid in seconds.

"Yes." Horvath said. "He was the one we caught. He tried to say that he was trying to help Justin and that's how he got blood everywhere, but we found the knife not far from the body and his fingerprints were all over it. They're doing a DNA match on the semen just to be safe."

"Wait......you mean.......he raped him raw?" Brian asked. Horvath looked a little confused.

"He means without a condom." Debbie explained and Horvath nodded.

"We're pretty sure it's a match but we have to double check."

"That fucker better pay."

"We're going to do everything we can to make sure that happens." Horvath nodded. He completely understood how Brian felt. He didn't know Justin all that well, just from what Debbie told him, but he knew that they were all very close. He wanted to make Ethan pay for hurting someone that was important to someone he cared about.
 

*****

Brian stood in front of the full-length mirror in the loft, checking over his appearance. He was wearing black from head to toe. Black suit, black shirt, black tie, and black shoes. He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. He couldn't believe that Justin was really gone. He was about to get into the Jeep and head to the cemetery to attend the funeral of the man he loved. It had been a week since the day Justin was murdered. Ethan was already scheduled for a hearing in three days. The DA had worked quickly on getting the trial. The fact that he was a friend of Brian's had a little something to do with that. He sighed, then grabbed his keys and left.

Brian wasn't at all surprised at the turn out. Justin was a very loveable young man who made friends easily. Several of the attendees were regulars at the diner, that being their only connection to Justin. He couldn't help but smile slightly. The only women in the small church were Daphne, Debbie, Jennifer, Molly and the munchers. Six women in a room full of about a hundred people. Brian was only slightly surprised to see Craig Taylor sitting with Jennifer.

Brian was amazed when he found out that Reverend Tom approached Jennifer asking if he could do the service. The main reason he was amazed was that Justin and his family were not Catholic. The other reason was that he wondered what it would do for the priest's reputation that he performed the funeral service for an openly gay young man. Apparently Reverend Tom Butterfield didn't care about that. Brian searched for him when he walked into the church. It was still several minutes before the service was to start.

"I want to thank you for doing this." Brian said as he walked up to the man. Tom nodded.

"It's the least I could do. I didn't know him very well, but I know he was a wonderful young man. I'm very sorry." Brian just closed his eyes and nodded, trying to keep the tears at bay. He’d been crying quite a bit in the last week.

"What made you decide to do it?"

"Justin deserves a proper service by someone that won't judge his lifestyle." Again Brian nodded. He truly appreciated what the reverend was doing.

"You realize that a lot of people in your parish aren't going to be happy about this?" This time it was Tom's turn to nod.

"I do, but I honestly don't care. They can think what they want of me; the only opinion that matters is God's." He smiled and Brian couldn't help but smile too. They shook hands and then Brian went to find his seat. After Tom delivered a beautiful service he looked at the crowd before him.

"I know that many of you here were very close to Justin Taylor. You loved him very much. Though none of you loved him more than any of the others, there is one man in the room that loved him more than anything. Brian came to me right after I volunteered to do the service and said that he would like to say a few things about Justin." Tom moved away from the podium at that point and Brian stood, taking a deep breath and smoothing the front of his suit before walking up.

"Almost three years ago I saw a gorgeous blonde twink standing under a lamp post on Liberty Avenue and I just had to take him home. Little did I know that decision would forever change my life. He pestered and annoyed and followed me for the longest time." At that several people laughed. "Eventually I got to where I didn't want him to go away. I pretended and protested and acted like I didn't love him. Then, one magical night in the spring of his senior year I realized while dancing with him at his prom that I really did love him very much. Moments later he was almost taken away from me by an asshole with a baseball bat. Luckily, he wasn't.

"We had a pretty messed up relationship, but every night I went home to him. I never knew how good it felt to have someone to come home to until Justin came along. I thought I liked living alone. I was proven wrong. After a long bout of thinking he was happy with someone else, and me being completely miserable, we finally got things straightened out and were really, truly happy for a change. I don't think I've ever been happier in my life than I was when Justin and I got back together. I know that I will always love him. I will always remember him." He smiled a moment. "There's a song that will forever remind me of Justin Taylor." To everyone's surprise, Brian started singing.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away." By the end of the song, his voice was shaking. Tears poured down his cheeks and he just couldn't find his voice again. He pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket and wiped at his eyes as he resumed his seat.

Later that evening Brian lay in bed staring at the ceiling. He hadn't been able to sleep all week. The bed seemed unusually large and cold. As he lay there he suddenly remembered the second verse of the song that reminded him so much of his beloved sunshine. He started singing softly to himself.

"The other night, dear, as I was sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my arms. When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken, and I hung my head and cried." Brian rolled over and buried his face in the pillow before crying himself to sleep.
 

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