While You Were Sleeping

I’ve noticed several things about Brian while he sleeps that I never noticed before. Normally, I’m asleep long before he is. I never could keep up with him when I was younger. Now, having lived in LA for almost a year, staying up late working, or partying, and the two hour time difference have gotten me to where I can’t seem to go to bed before two in the morning. With Brian, it’s different. After cancer and with Kinnetik and the fact that he’s getting older, it’s hard for him to stay awake past eleven, especially if we’ve had a particularly rigorous fuck. He grumbles about it the next morning, but I know that he’s always exhausted when he goes to bed.

During this three hour period a lot of the time I will watch him. Sometimes I’ll lay down with him, sometimes I won’t. One of the first things I noticed that I don’t know how I missed and that he’d kill me for if I told anyone is the fact that Brian Kinney snores. His deviated septum doesn’t just cause the little wheezing sound when he breathes through his nose. It’s loud, too. He’s kept me awake sometimes because he was snoring so loud. But it’s only when he’s in a really deep sleep that nothing can wake him out of, which isn’t often. Even when he was hammered out of his head, he’d still wake up easily. I guess his age is starting to catch up with him.

Another thing I noticed is that Brian talks in his sleep, when he’s not snoring. He’ll say the most random shit. One time he rolled over and started shaking me yelling, “Brake!” Over and over again until he finally just rolled back over and went to sleep. I was still awake when the alarm went off the next morning. He’s also told me not to forget the cheese, and something about monkeys at one point. Sometimes I can’t help but laugh at some of the shit that comes out of his mouth when he’s asleep. It’s fucking hilarious.

He also moves around a lot in bed. Especially if he’s having a nightmare. Not many people realize this but Brian has nightmares a lot. I’ve actually come to figure out the actions associated with the various types of nightmares. He has three main ones. If I’m lying beside him and he rolls over, practically squishing me and holding me really tight like he’s never going to let me go ever, he’s having a nightmare about the Rage party. He’d never admit that he still has nightmares about that. Usually around the time of the anniversary of when it happened. Usually I just stroke his hair and whisper in his ear that I love him and that I’m still there and he calms down and rolls back onto his side of the bed and I can breathe again to go back to sleep.

If his whole body gets really tense and his head starts moving from side to side and he says my name over and over again, that means he’s having a nightmare about the bashing. He always wakes up sore the next morning because every muscle in his body was completely tense most of the night. That’s the hardest one for me to get him out of. There’s been more than once that I actually had to wake him up. Usually if I have to do that, he looks at me for a minute, then hugs me as if to make sure I’m real, then we end up making love before we both go back to sleep. And making love is the only way to describe it. After a bashing nightmare, he’s so gentle and loving and compassionate. It’s an amazing feeling. I just wish we could have that under better circumstances.

If he’s flailing about and shaking his head and saying “no” over and over again, that’s when he’s having a nightmare about his dad. That’s another one he won’t admit to still having, especially since it’s been about twenty years since the last time his dad hit him. I usually end up with at least one or two bruises by the time he calms down, strictly because I can never get out of the way fast enough. I try to hide them from him the next morning but he always manages to see them.

“Did I do that?” he’ll ask me. The look on his face when he asks always breaks my heart.

“Yeah, but it’s okay,” I’ll always tell him.

“Justin.......you know I’d never do that on purpose, right?” He always sounds so worried that I’m going to end up being afraid he’ll hit me or something.

“I know, baby,” I tell him, then I hug him and kiss him and tell him I love him and it seems to calm him down or cheer him up, whichever is appropriate. He always feels bad for a little while and I try to help him realize that he is not now, nor will he ever be Jack Kinney. It’s hardest to convince him of that when I’ve got bruises that he inadvertently caused in his sleep.

Most of the time Brian just looks peaceful and beautiful when he’s asleep. Whenever he’s having a good sleep, occasionally having a small smile on his face, I can’t keep myself from sketching him. He’s so beautiful when he’s asleep. Like an angel.

I can also tell when he’s having a good dream about me because that’s when he gets so hard he tents the sheets and I just have to do something about it. He likes to be woken up with a blow job. Sometimes I’ll even get a condom on him and get him all lubed up and start riding him before he wakes up. He’s told me that those are some of the best orgasms he’s had because when he’s half awake, he’s got his guard down and he’s free to let go of everything. I personally think he likes it when I’m in control but he can only admit that to himself when he’s not quite awake enough to care.

I have to say that the one moment I will never forget more than anything was just the other night when he told me he loves me. He said that he loves me so much he can’t stand it sometimes and that he never wants me to leave him ever again. That he didn’t think he’d be able to handle it if I did. He doesn’t remember a single word, though, because he was asleep when he said it. And even though I’d like to rub it in his face that he did actually say all those things, I keep it all to myself. Nobody needs to know what goes on while Brian’s asleep. Not even Brian.

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