Little Secrets

Brian was sitting in his grandmother’s living room staring at the floor as his family talked around him. As much as he liked his grandmother he hated coming over with his parents because they always acted like everything was right with their lives. Besides the fact that he would much rather be spending the weekend with Michael than with his family. He certainly wasn’t listening to the conversation and people rarely listened to him. Being the youngest person in the room at age fifteen he was often ignored.

Brian sighed, then got up and walked out of the house, sitting down on the porch and staring out at what seemed like miles and miles of grass. While most of the farmland had been sold, the house was still out in the middle of the country and it took a long time to walk anywhere. It was starting to get dark and the stars were beginning to come out. Brian walked out to the middle of the nearby field and lay down in the grass with his hands folded behind his head. One of his favorite things about coming to his grandparents’ house was the fact that it was far enough out in the country that at the right time of night you could actually see the Milky Way. The stars had always fascinated Brian, ever since he was small, and he loved seeing the long white streak appear across the sky.

He’d been outside for probably an hour and nobody even noticed he was gone. It wasn’t really surprising. Brian was pretty sure that his grandmother knew he was missing, but she rarely said anything because she knew that someone would just say that Brian was off being a selfish prick and to leave him be. They always seemed to do that. His grandmother was the only person that actually gave a shit about him.

As he lay there staring at the stars Brian remembered the first time he’d come to the house with an injury that Jack inflicted on him. He was about seven years old and he had a black eye and a sprained wrist. His grandmother pulled him aside almost immediately and asked him what happened. Brian, of course, lied about it, telling her he’d fallen off his bike. She knew it was bullshit right away. Brian smiled slightly as he remembered her reaction.

When she’d found out that Jack was abusing him, both emotionally and physically, she immediately started trying to take him away from them. She wanted to keep him safe. At first Brian’s grandfather was against her efforts, but then Brian showed up not long after that with a broken arm replacing the previously sprained wrist and the man agreed to help her. Together they tried to adopt Brian. He thought it would have been interesting legally being his father’s brother.

Even though the two had enough money to raise Brian, and there were perfectly good schools in the area, and Brian was actually happy when he was with them, the adoption had been denied. Jack and Joan refused to allow it. The two lied about how Brian got injured; threatening Claire into corroborating their story and social services had no choice but return Brian to the home. His grandparents tried to get Jack and Joan to let Brian live with them but the man absolutely refused. For someone that wished he was never born, Jack sure did want to keep him around.

Brian sighed heavily. He was grateful to his grandparents for their effort to keep him safe and he loved them just as much as they loved him. Things changed a little when he was about twelve. Brian’s grandfather had a stroke and the man changed drastically after that. The man that used to be laid back and caring turned into a sober version of his eldest son. He was cruel and constantly made fun of anyone that came within earshot. Brian’s grandmother told him that if it weren’t for the fact that the man was like this because he was ill, she would have left him. He certainly was not the man she married. The fortunate thing was that he never hit her. He didn’t become a violent man. Brian would never forgive him if that happened. He jumped slightly when he heard a twig break not far from him. He wasn’t expecting anyone to come looking for him.

“Out here again?” It was his grandmother.

“Yeah.” He didn’t move. Brian just kept staring at the stars.

“I never have to look hard to find you when you disappear,” she said with a smile as she lay down beside him. He smiled to himself. “It certainly is beautiful, isn’t it?” she asked.

“Yeah,” Brian replied.

“You’re rather monosyllabic.” She chuckled.

“Yeah,” Brian said and they both laughed. He sat up cross-legged in the grass, staring down at his hands as he picked at his nails. His grandmother sat up beside him, rubbing his back as she often did. She could tell that something was bothering him but she wanted him to be the one to start talking. Brian never said anything unless he wanted to so it was useless to ask him questions. “Gramma?” he started as he looked up at her.

“Yes.” She looked him in the eye.

Brian opened his mouth to say something, then shut it and shook his head. “Forget it.”

“What?”

“It’s nothing.”

“You obviously want to tell me or else you wouldn’t have started out like you were.”

“I just…..” He sighed. “You know that you’re the only one that gives a shit about me.”

“Language.”

“Sorry.”

“I doubt that I’m the only one that cares, Brian. There’s bound to be someone else. What about Michael?”

“I mean you’re the only one in the family.”

“Oh, well. Unfortunately I can’t argue with that.” She sighed and he nodded.

“Well….I really want to tell you something but….I….” He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.

“You….” she asked.

“I’m afraid you’ll hate me.” He stood up and walked away a little bit. She got up and followed him. It never ceased to amaze her how tall Brian was getting. He certainly took after her father. No one else in the family was nearly that tall. She reached up and put a hand on his shoulder.

“I could never hate you, Brian. Nothing could make me hate you.”

“This could,” he said and he turned and looked at her, and she almost gasped when she saw the pain and confusion in his eyes. The moonlight reflected off the unshed tears that were threatening to fall. She knew this was really bothering Brian because he was anything but an emotional person. He didn’t cry easily if at all. She wrapped her arms around him and held him close and he hugged back, resting his head on her shoulder, though the position couldn’t have been comfortable given their height difference.

“Brian, I promise you I will always love you no matter what. You are my aingael, Brian. Nothing will change that,” she said and Brian smiled. Aingael was Gaelic for angel. She’d called him that since he was a baby. Jack complained that it was a faggot nickname for the boy but Brian didn’t care. He loved that he was her little angel. It always made him feel special and wanted and loved.

“You promise?” he asked. He kept his head on her shoulder.

“Cross my heart,” she said.

Brian sighed and stayed like that a minute then moved back a little and looked his grandmother in the eye. He saw nothing but love in her eyes and he smiled slightly, knowing everything would be okay. “Can we keep this between us? I don’t want anybody else to know.” The truth was that Brian was afraid of how the rest of his family would react. He knew that Jack would probably beat the living shit out of him, if not kill him.

“It’ll be our secret.” She smiled and touched his cheek. He moved into the touch for a minute, then looked down.

“Gramma…..I’m gay.” He sighed heavily.

“Brian, you’re fifteen. How do you know?” There wasn’t any accusation or disbelief in the question, she honestly wanted to know.

“I…..well…..”

“Is Michael more than just your best friend, Brian?”

“Oh God no!” Brian looked almost disgusted by the thought. “Mikey and I are just friends, that’s it! I could never…..no!” She laughed at his reaction. “It’s just…..well…..you know how boys my age are supposed to think non stop about girls and want to sleep with girls and stuff like that?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I don’t. All I can think about is guys. Just guys and only guys. I like looking at naked guys. I’ve even…..well…”

“You’re being safe, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Brian, can I let you in on a little secret?”

“Sure.”

“You know your Uncle Robert and his room mate Charles?” she asked. She was referring to her older brother.

“Yeah,” Brian said as he looked at her.

“They aren’t room mates,” she replied with a smirk and Brian laughed. The two shared a hug and talked for a little while longer before going back in the house. Brian lay there in bed staring at the ceiling thinking for the first time in his life that maybe everything was going to be okay. If his grandmother could overlook the fact that he was gay and still love him anyway, then it wouldn’t be so bad after all.

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