Rumpelstiltskin

Once upon a time there was a miller by the name of Jack Kinney. Jack wasn’t a very smart man, but he did have an absolutely drop dead gorgeous son named Brian. I mean…his son was so hot you just wanted to rip all his clothes off and ravish him on the spot. But I digress. So, Jack liked to spend all his hard earned money on cheap booze and cheaper women. He usually neglected his main responsibilities because of this and one day he was taken to see the Queen.

“Well, Jack, you haven’t paid your taxes in about three years. I have no choice but to take your land,” Queen Lindsay said.

“But if you take my land where am I supposed to live?” Jack protested.

“Well, do you have the money you owe me?” The queen was sure that he did not.

“Um….no…I don’t have the money….but…..my son can spin straw into gold,” he said quickly.

Queen Lindsay raised an eyebrow at that. “Oh really?” she asked.

Jack nodded vigorously. “Oh yeah…my son can spin straw into gold.”

“Well….if he can do that then he can pay your taxes for you. Bring him here tomorrow and we’ll see what happens.”

“Alright, I’ll bring him bright and early.”

“If I find out that you’re full of shit, you’ll never see your son again,” the queen said.

Jack nodded with feigned sadness, then smiled once he left the palace. Finally a way to get rid of that son of his. So he went home and told Brian the news.

“You told her WHAT?” Brian protested.

“I told her you could spin straw into gold.”

“I can’t do that? How the fuck am I supposed to do that? ”

“You watch it, sonny boy. You just better figure out a way to do it.” He decided not to tell Brian that he would be payment if the kid couldn’t turn out the gold. Brian simply grumbled and went off to his room.

The next morning Brian was taken to the palace to meet the queen. Now…as soon as the queen saw Brian she wanted to jump his bones right then and there. But…who wouldn’t? God, he’s hot. Anyway….She took him to a room that was filled about halfway with straw.

“Spin all this straw to gold by morning or I’ll have you castrated in the middle of the town square,” she said with a smirk.

Brian, though showing a brave face on the outside, swallowed hard. He walked into the room and the queen locked the door. Brian tried to think of how he was going to do this. There was no fucking way he could turn straw into gold, especially not with a spinning wheel.

“Fucking old man…if I get out of this I am going to kill him.” Brian continued his pacing for many an hour until finally he sat down and sighed. “I am so fucked,” he proclaimed.

About then the door came flying open and in walked a woman. She was shorter than Brian, but so is everybody, and she had short brown hair. She was dressed like a man and Brian just looked at her with a raised eyebrow.

“You look like you’re in trouble,” she said.

“Gee, what was your first clue?” Brian asked sarcastically.

“Look, do you want my help or not?”

“Unless you can spin straw into gold, you can’t help me.”

“What will you give me if I do that for you?”

“You’re joking, right?” Brian asked incredulously.

“What will you give me?” she asked.

Brian thought for a minute. “Um….okay. If you can spin all this straw into gold by morning then I’ll give you my bracelet.” He showed her the cowry shell bracelet he wore.

She really liked it so she agreed. Within hours all of the straw was gold and Brian sighed, giving up his favorite bracelet. The little woman left just moments before the queen arrived.

“Holy shit. The old man wasn’t lying,” she said as she saw all the gold. She then suddenly grew greedy. She grabbed Brian and took him to a room filled with twice as much straw.

“Spin this to gold by morning or I’ll have you castrated in the town square,” she threatened again, then shut the door and locked it.

Once again Brian paced and paced, not sure what he was going to do and once again the little woman appeared.

“What will you give me if I do this for you?” she asked.

Brian removed the thin gold chain from around his neck. “My necklace,” he said.

Though it was a masculine necklace the little woman agreed. Once again, by morning all the straw was gold and the little woman left before the queen arrived.

On the third day the queen took Brian into a room with even more straw than the second room.

“If you spin all this straw into gold by morning, I will make you my king. If you do not, you will die.” She knew she couldn’t find a better looking husband if she searched throughout the world. Even though Brian liked cock, not pussy, he decided to go along with it because he really didn’t want to die. So the queen locked the door and left.

Brian started pacing and before long the little woman appeared.

“What will you give me if I do this for you?” she asked.

Brian searched his pockets and then looked at her. “I don’t have anything else,” he said.

“Then promise me your first born child,” she demanded.

“Okay, sure.” Brian tried to keep the smile off his face. Like a queer is gonna have a kid. So the little woman was happy and spun the straw into gold. And once again before the queen arrived the little woman was gone.

When the queen opened the door and saw all the gold, she smiled because she really didn’t want to have to waste such a hot guy. So they got married and Brian found out that he actually didn’t mind fucking the queen, though he kept his messenger Justin on the side whenever he got the urge to fuck a guy. And Justin really loved it anyway.

A little more than a year went by and Brian found himself sitting in the nursery of the palace holding his beautiful new son. He never realized that he wanted to be a father until Lindsay told him she was pregnant. She, being the queen, was busy running things so Brian got to take care of Gus all day. And he actually liked it.

Now, one day the little woman appeared in the doorway and looked at Brian and Gus.

“Hey Kinney, I think you owe me something,” she said with a smirk.

“Fuck, I forgot about you.”

“Yeah, well, that doesn’t matter. You promised me the kid, now hand him over.”

“Fuck no….Lindsay would kill me. You can’t take my son” Brian held the boy protectively.

The little woman could see how much Brian truly loved his son so she decided to make him a deal. “Okay. I’ll give you three days starting when the sun comes up tomorrow morning. I will be here at dawn. If you can guess my name by the time the sun sets on the third day, you can keep the kid. Deal?” Brian sighed heavily and nodded, he had no choice.

“Deal.”

They shook on it and the woman disappeared.

Brian and Justin stayed up all night trying to think of all the names they knew. Okay, so most of the time they were fucking, but they were thinking too. And when the little woman came at dawn the next day Brian started listing off all the names he could come up with the night before.

“Charlotte.”

“No”

“Mandy”

“No”

“Lakesha.” The little woman raised an eyebrow at that. “Hey, I had to try.”

“Well, that’s not it. Try again.”

So Brian continued to list names and to every name the little woman replied, “No.”

So at sunset the woman left.

            “FUCK” Brian proclaimed. He would have to spend all night thinking of more names.

He decided to put Justin to use as an actual messenger rather than just a fuck buddy and made him go throughout the kingdom and come up with every name that they hadn’t already listed. He came back enough before dawn that he and Brian could get in one good fuck before the little woman arrived.

Once again they went through the same routine. Brian would list the names he had and the little woman would tell him that was not her name.

“How do I know I haven’t said it already? You could be lying to me,” Brian protested.

“Oh, like I would do that. I’m not a total bitch. You haven’t even come close.”

Brian sighed and continued to list off names.

At sunset the little woman disappeared. Brian once again sent Justin through the land to find more names. When he came back Brian looked at him.

“Any luck?”

“Actually, yes,” he said with a smile. That beautiful smile that reminded Brian of sunshine.

“Well?” Brian asked a little exasperated.

“Okay, so get this. I couldn’t find any new names so I decided to come home. Well….while I was riding along I heard this god-awful music and I followed it to make fun of the person listening to it and there was this little cottage. Outside the cottage there was a bonfire and there was this woman who apparently was attempting to dance around the fire. God it was an awful sight. Anyway, she started singing. This woman has no rhythm I swear.”

“Okay, and how is this helping?” Brian asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Well….the song she was singing. I can’t remember it exactly, but I do remember she said. ‘The king’s new child I will claim or Melanie Marcus isn’t my name’” Justin once again smiled and Brian kissed him and they fucked until dawn.

So the little woman appeared the next day at dawn and Brian was trying very hard to keep the smile off his face.

“Is your name…..Denise?” he asked.

“No,” she replied.

“Is it…..Margaret?” he asked again.

“Nope,” she answered.

“Is it…….Melanie Marcus?” he asked this time, allowing the smirk to appear on his lips.

Her eyes went wide and she started throwing a tantrum, spouting out curses that made Brian cover the baby’s ears. She started jumping up and down she was so angry. After a moment she jumped so hard that she fell right through the floor never to be seen again.

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