Please Believe Me
His eyes upon your face
His hand upon your hand
His lips caress your skin
It’s more than I can stand
Why does my heart cry?
Feelings I can’t fight
You’re free to leave me
But just don’t deceive
And please believe me
When I say I love you
Brian was sitting in the loft looking over the piece of paper before him. He
took out a yellow highlighter and made a point to go over the part that was the
most important. He wanted that part to jump out and be noticed right away. After
finishing that task he took the piece of paper over to Justin’s desk and set it
down where the young man would easily find it.
Justin had apparently been seeing someone else for months now. Brian had gone to
have lunch with Michael one day and smiled when he saw the blond in the comic
shop. There was another young man there but Brian didn’t really pay attention to
him. Just as Brian walked up to the door he noticed Michael had gone into the
back. Brian was about to open the door and say something when he saw the two
young men come together in a kiss that was anything but chaste. Brian didn’t
really think about it at first until he saw them pull apart quickly and try to
act like nothing happened as Michael returned. That’s when Brian knew that
Justin was cheating on him.
It was almost ironic to say that Justin was cheating on him since by the
conventional definition of a relationship he’d been cheating on Justin from the
get go. This, however, was different. Brian never did the same person twice. He
never got names or phone numbers. He didn’t kiss on the mouth anymore. He
followed every one of Justin’s rules to the letter. But Justin seemed to have
broken every single one.
Brian’s first suspicions came about when he got home one day and Justin quickly
hung up the phone when he realized Brian was there. He’d been home from classes
for a while and called someone. It was obviously someone that he didn’t want
Brian to know he was talking to. The older man decided to test the waters a
little.
"Who was that?”
“Oh, that was my grandma.”
“Oh. Why did you hang up so fast?”
“I just realized how long I’d been talking to her and I didn’t want to run up
your long distance bill.” Justin smiled that sunshine smile and Brian just
nodded, though he didn’t fall for it. He wasn’t surprised to find there was no
long distance call to Richmond, Virginia on the subsequent phone bill. He
thought that maybe it was his imagination.
Brian got another clue when he found a shirt in the laundry that didn’t belong
to him or Justin. He thought perhaps Jennifer bought it for the younger man and
he just never noticed it before. The problem was that the shirt smelled of a
cologne that Brian knew for a fact neither of them owned. He tried to think of
any kind of excuse as to why that might be. He remembered more than one occasion
when he’d hugged a friend and the person’s cologne rubbed off onto him. Brian
just shrugged it off and went on about his business.
The repeated playing of the CD with the violin music was another clue. Brian
knew that the CD was from the artist that Lindsay and Melanie had taken Justin
to see for his birthday. The fact that Justin never really liked classical music
before that concert and then found a sudden extreme interest in it afterward
disheartened Brian a little but he figured it was just like the first time he
tried something new so he chalked it up to stupid jealousy. Brian Kinney does
not get jealous so the matter was dropped.
He also noticed Justin was growing more distant and less responsive. Brian
started to cut back on the tricks for a while but recently had to increase again
because Justin just wasn’t interested in bed anymore. Where they used to fuck
five or six times a day lately he was lucky to get five or six times a week.
Brian knew that Justin was spending a great deal of time away from the loft. The
blond said he was working which would have explained how tired he was. Brian’s
insecurity and jealousy reared its ugly head once again, but he brushed it off.
The kiss in the comic shop was the last straw. Brian didn’t even open the door.
He just turned, got in the Jeep and took off driving. He didn’t really know
where he was going but he knew he didn’t want to be there. He ended up in front
of an old music store he used to frequent in high school when he and Michael
were pretending to have a band. He’d often bought his guitar strings and other
accessories there at the privately owned shop rather than the chain music store
that was way too over priced.
He walked into the store and started looking around. That’s when he noticed the
sheet music section in the back of the store. He’d never noticed it when he was
younger but he never really went to that part of the store before. He started
looking around at all the different music. He noticed that there was a book of
music from the movie Moulin Rouge and he picked it up, looking through it. He
loved the movie and thought maybe he could learn to play the songs on his
guitar.
As he was looking through the various songs he could hear Ewan McGregor’s voice
in his head and he smiled slightly to himself. For a moment all of his troubles
were forgotten as images from the movie, minus Nicole Kidman of course, ran
through his head. Ewan was just so seriously hot in that movie. Brian stopped
when he came upon one song, however. It was El Tango de Roxanne. The lyrics that
were sung by the narcoleptic Argentinean disappeared from the page and his eyes
fell on the counter point that Ewan sang. His heart started beating faster as he
realized that the words were his life at that moment. That’s when he immediately
bought the sheet music, took it home and left it for Justin to find. He could
never actually say the words to the young man, but he hoped that Justin finding
this from him would change the way their relationship was going. The last thing
he wanted was to lose Justin.
When Justin got home he was surprised to see that Brian wasn’t there. It was
almost nine at night on a weeknight and he knew that Brian had an early meeting
the next morning so he wouldn’t be going out. He just shrugged and put his
things down, going into the bathroom to take a shower. Justin figured maybe
Brian was getting something to eat with the guys and that he’d be back later.
As he got ready to shower he noticed that Brian’s toothbrush and razor were
missing. That’s when the thought occurred to him that maybe Brian had to go on a
business trip and had forgotten to tell him. It was definitely a logical
explanation and he was sure the older man would call later. But with the meeting
the next morning…..
Justin showered quickly and got into a pair of sweats and a t-shirt, then went
over to his desk to turn on the computer and give it a chance to warm up. That’s
when he noticed the book sitting there. He wondered why there would be a book of
music from Moulin Rouge sitting on his desk. He also noticed that there was a
page marked. He was about to investigate when his empty stomach demanded
immediate attention. He took the book into the kitchen and set it down on the
counter as he got himself something to eat.
After heating up the left overs he found in the fridge he sat down there at the
counter and started to eat, having momentarily forgotten about the book. When he
glanced over at it he noticed that the piece of paper sticking out of it had a
hotel’s name and phone number on it. Having eaten half the meal, Justin pulled
the book over and started looking through it. By the time he got to the marked
page he’d finished the rest of the reheated food.
His heart stopped as he started to read the highlighted text. He looked at the
name and phone number on the piece of paper. It was definitely Brian’s hand
writing. Apparently Brian was staying at a hotel. Justin realized at that moment
that Brian knew. He’d found out about the affair. To make things worse not only
had he found out, but he said, though not verbally, that he loved Justin. The
blond barely made it to the bathroom before every ounce of food he’d just
consumed made its way back up.
Once his stomach was again empty, Justin sat back against the wall, hugging his
knees to his chest. Tears started rolling down his cheeks as a wave of guilt
swept over him. He’d started sleeping with Ethan because he thought that Brian
didn’t love him. He was even prepared to leave Brian for Ethan. They’d been
making plans for the last couple of weeks. And now Brian knew about the affair.
He wasn’t angry, he wasn’t even upset, he was just trying to fix it. Another
bout of nausea hit him but this time there was nothing to come up but stomach
acid. Once he was done with that he ended up crying himself to sleep there on
the cold bathroom floor.
When Justin woke up the next morning he was feeling absolutely horrible. He was
still sick to his stomach, the guilt still trying to eat him alive. He got up
and took another shower, then got dressed. He decided his first course of action
should be to break up with Ethan. He wanted to just call the man so that he
didn’t have to see his face, but he couldn’t do that. He did care about Ethan
and he thought it only appropriate to break up with him face to face.
He made his way over to Ethan’s on foot to give himself enough time to come up
with exactly what he wanted to say. He needed to explain that he really did love
Brian and that now that Brian was making a gesture to fix things, he couldn’t
just leave. While he cared a great deal about Ethan, he didn’t love him the way
he loved Brian.
“Justin.” The violinist said with a smile as he opened the door. The smile soon
faded when he saw the look on the blonde’s face. “What’s going on?”
“We need to talk.” Justin said. Ethan knew immediately this was not good.
“Come on in.” He said as he stepped aside. Justin shook his head.
“It’s better if I don’t.”
“What’s up?”
“I can’t see you anymore.” Justin said, refusing to meet Ethan’s eyes.
“What?”
“I can’t see you anymore.”
“Why? What about our plans? Justin…..”
“He said it.” Justin said as he looked up into Ethan’s eyes for the first time.
The brunet could see the anguish and guilt in the blue orbs. He sighed and ran
his fingers through his hair, knowing exactly what Justin meant. Brian told him
that he loved him.
“So that’s it? He says it and you go running back? How do you know he’s going to
change?”
“Brian never says anything he doesn’t mean.” Justin responded. Ethan didn’t need
to know that the words hadn’t come from Brian’s mouth. The fact that they’d been
said in anyway was enough for Justin.
“But I love you. I’ve shown you the whole time we’ve been together. You said I
make you happy. You’re all I want. All I need. You can’t just do this.”
“Yes, I can. And I am. I love Brian. I can’t pretend that I don’t. I’m sorry.”
Justin said and he started to walk away. Ethan grabbed his arm.
“You’re no better than he is.” He growled through clenched teeth before
releasing Justin’s arm. Justin looked Ethan in the eye.
“You’re right. He’s a better man than I am because at least he didn’t cheat on
me with an arrogant, no talent hack.” Justin almost yelled before storming off.
Ethan grabbed the nearest thing he could find that wasn’t tied down which was
one of his shoes, and threw it, hitting Justin in the back of the head. Justin
turned and glared at him, rubbing the spot on the back of his head. He picked up
the shoe and launched it at Ethan, but the shoe went sailing past him through
the door and hit the violin, which was sitting on the windowsill. This caused
the instrument to go flying out the window and hit the ground, shattering to
pieces.
Ethan ran over and pushed Justin just as he got to the top of one of the flights
of stairs. The blond went tumbling down, stopping at the first landing. He
didn’t know how much damage was done but he knew he was hurting. Justin didn’t
really have time to process the pain before Ethan was on top of him. Ethan
landed one good punch to his jaw before Justin kneed him in the groin. Ethan
grabbed his crotched and fell onto his side, freeing Justin. The artist got up,
limping away before Ethan could retaliate.
Justin crossed the street and noticed Ethan come out of the building after him.
Ethan ran across the street without even looking to see if there were any cars.
At that moment Justin noticed a city bus coming down the street. The bus didn’t
have time to stop before hitting Ethan and sending him flying several feet. It
was obvious to anyone that looked by the way Ethan’s head was positioned that
the young artist was dead. Justin thought it only slightly ironic that Ethan’s
body landed on the shards of his broken violin.
Justin spent the rest of the day sitting in the loft crying. The next morning he
got up and went to work. When he got to the diner it was obvious to everyone
that he was miserable. He had a bruise on the side of his face that covered most
of his left cheek. He was limping and it looked like he hadn’t slept in days.
“Holy shit, Sunshine, what happened to you?”
“It’s a long story.” Justin answered as he grabbed his apron and put it on. He
went to wait tables. Later that afternoon Justin went to pick up an order and
didn’t realize that the plate was hot. After burning his hand on the hot plate
he dropped it and the plate shattered sending food and glass everywhere.
“FUCK!” He yelled, then knelt down to start cleaning up the glass. In the
process he sliced the palm of his hand on one of the pieces. Debbie was coming
over to help just as that happened. She grabbed a dishtowel, wrapped it around
Justin’s hand and then looked over at Emmett.
“Can you take him to the emergency room?” She asked. Emmett nodded and took
Justin’s hand, holding the towel in place. Two hours and six stitches later,
Justin was back at the diner, sitting in one of the booths, staring at a plate
of food that he didn’t want to eat. His stomach was still reeling from the
previous day’s guilt as well as the added pain of watching Ethan die.
Justin heard the bell over the door ring and looked up to see Brian come in. The
older man walked over to the counter and took a seat, completely ignoring
Justin. Debbie noticed that Brian didn’t even look at the blond. She walked over
and took his order, keeping an eye on the two of them. Justin’s shoulders seemed
to slump further than before as he stared down at the table. Brian just
continued to pretend the younger man didn’t exist. Once his order was filled he
threw a twenty on the counter for a six-dollar sandwich and walked out the door.
Debbie walked over and took a seat across from Justin.
“What’s going on with you two?”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve never seen Brian pretend you don’t exist. Even when he was trying to avoid
you in the beginning he’d acknowledge your presence. So, what’s going on?”
“I cheated on Brian.” Justin admitted. Debbie looked at him for a minute.
“What do you mean, you cheated?”
“There was a guy that wasn’t just a trick. I’ve been seeing him for a couple of
months now.”
“Oh….” Was all Debbie said. Justin knew it was a bad sign that the normally
verbal woman was speechless.
“We ended it yesterday.” Justin said.
“What made you decide to end it?”
“Brian actually came out and said that he loves me. He didn’t say it verbally,
but it was written down on a piece of paper. God, Debbie, I feel like absolute
shit. I mean….I thought he didn’t love me. And I actually cared about this guy.
And now….”
“Now what?”
“He didn’t want me to break up with him. He’s responsible for this.” Justin
motioned to his cheek and Debbie nodded. It was obvious to Justin that she was
angry. “I ran and he started to run after me and he got hit by a bus. He was
killed instantly.”
“Oh my goodness.” Debbie crossed herself. Justin rested his head on the table
beside the plate.
“I don’t know what to do.”
“Where is Brian now?”
“He moved into a hotel after leaving me the note.”
“You know which hotel?”
“He left the name and number.”
“Then I suggest you go talk to him.” Debbie said. Justin sighed heavily and
nodded. That’s the last thing he wanted to do, but he knew that he needed to. It
was the only way to fix things.
Brian was just about to fall asleep when he heard a knock on his door. He sighed
heavily and got out of bed. He was wearing only a pair of red silk boxers that
he’d had for ages when he opened the door to find Justin on the other side. The
blond was looking down with his shoulders slumped and his hands in his pockets.
“Hey.” Was all Brian could manage.
“Hey.” Justin said, finally looking up. Brian noticed the large bruise on his
cheek and immediately panicked.
“Oh my God, Justin, are you okay? What happened?” Brian asked as he gently
pulled the younger man into the room. He led him over to a chair, noticing the
limp, and helped him sit before kneeling down in front of him.
Justin looked Brian in the eye at that moment and was amazed at what he saw. He
didn’t see anger or pain, he saw love and concern. Brian had completely
forgotten the events of the past several months simply because Justin was hurt.
This caused tears to form in the younger man’s eyes and he couldn’t keep them
from spilling over his cheeks.
“Justin?” Brian asked as he gently wiped the tears away.
“I’m sorry, Brian. I’m so sorry.” Justin began to cry harder. Brian just pulled
the blond into his arms, rubbing his back. Justin wrapped his arms tightly
around Brian and rested his head on his shoulder as he sobbed. The two stayed
like that for a while before Justin finally calmed down. Brian moved back a
little to look at Justin again.
“You gonna tell me what happened?” He asked, motioning toward Justin’s cheek.
“I…..I went to break up with Ethan. He didn’t take it too well. He threw a shoe
at me….”
“Who throws a shoe?” Brian interrupted and Justin couldn’t help but laugh.
“Well, I threw it back but it missed and knocked his violin out the window. Then
he came at me. He pushed me down the stairs and he punched me.” Justin was
avoiding Brian’s eyes but he could still feel the anger radiating off the man.
“That fucker…..I’ll kill him.” Brian said.
“You don’t have to.” Justin whispered.
“What?” Brian looked at Justin confused.
“I ran out of the building and he came after me. He got hit by a bus. He’s dead,
Brian.” Brian simply nodded. He pulled Justin a little closer and rubbed his
back gently.
“You okay?” He asked.
“I guess.”
“It can’t have been easy, seeing that.” Brian’s voice was soft and sincere.
“What do you mean?” Justin moved back a little to look Brian in the eye.
“I know you cared about him. Maybe even loved him. And even though he hurt you,
I know you’d never wish him dead. I’m sorry that you had to see that.” Brian had
a hand on Justin’s unharmed cheek, gently stroking with his thumb. Justin was
once again amazed by the older man. This was certainly not the response he was
expecting.
“I feel like it’s my fault.” Justin admitted.
“It’s not your fault, Justin. He should have been watching where he was going.
You had no control over what happened. It’s not your fault.” Brian raised an
eyebrow when a slight smirk appeared on Justin’s face.
“That speech sounds vaguely familiar.” He said, as he looked Brian in the eyes.
Brian returned the small smile.
“What about your hand?” Brian decided to change the subject. Justin sighed.
“I burned it on a hot plate at the diner, then while I was cleaning up the glass
I sliced my hand. I had to get stitches.” Brian gently took the hand and leaned
down, kissing Justin’s palm. He then moved up to gently kiss the bruise on
Justin’s cheek. Then he leaned down and kissed the injured knee from Justin’s
fall down the stairs.
“Better?” Brian asked as he looked into the beautiful blue eyes that were once
again wet with tears.
“Much.” Justin said shakily. Brian smiled and leaned in, lightly kissing Justin
on the lips. “I love you.” Justin said as a tear rolled down his cheek.
“You too.” Brian said softly before kissing Justin once again, this time
passionately. More tears streaked down Justin’s cheeks. Those two words
instilled a new hope in Justin that maybe some day Brian would verbalize what
his actions had been telling Justin all along.
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