Please Believe Me

His eyes upon your face
His hand upon your hand
His lips caress your skin
It’s more than I can stand
Why does my heart cry?
Feelings I can’t fight
You’re free to leave me
But just don’t deceive
And please believe me
When I say I love you



Brian was sitting in the loft looking over the piece of paper before him. He took out a yellow highlighter and made a point to go over the part that was the most important. He wanted that part to jump out and be noticed right away. After finishing that task he took the piece of paper over to Justin’s desk and set it down where the young man would easily find it.

Justin had apparently been seeing someone else for months now. Brian had gone to have lunch with Michael one day and smiled when he saw the blond in the comic shop. There was another young man there but Brian didn’t really pay attention to him. Just as Brian walked up to the door he noticed Michael had gone into the back. Brian was about to open the door and say something when he saw the two young men come together in a kiss that was anything but chaste. Brian didn’t really think about it at first until he saw them pull apart quickly and try to act like nothing happened as Michael returned. That’s when Brian knew that Justin was cheating on him.

It was almost ironic to say that Justin was cheating on him since by the conventional definition of a relationship he’d been cheating on Justin from the get go. This, however, was different. Brian never did the same person twice. He never got names or phone numbers. He didn’t kiss on the mouth anymore. He followed every one of Justin’s rules to the letter. But Justin seemed to have broken every single one.

Brian’s first suspicions came about when he got home one day and Justin quickly hung up the phone when he realized Brian was there. He’d been home from classes for a while and called someone. It was obviously someone that he didn’t want Brian to know he was talking to. The older man decided to test the waters a little.

"Who was that?”

“Oh, that was my grandma.”

“Oh. Why did you hang up so fast?”

“I just realized how long I’d been talking to her and I didn’t want to run up your long distance bill.” Justin smiled that sunshine smile and Brian just nodded, though he didn’t fall for it. He wasn’t surprised to find there was no long distance call to Richmond, Virginia on the subsequent phone bill. He thought that maybe it was his imagination.

Brian got another clue when he found a shirt in the laundry that didn’t belong to him or Justin. He thought perhaps Jennifer bought it for the younger man and he just never noticed it before. The problem was that the shirt smelled of a cologne that Brian knew for a fact neither of them owned. He tried to think of any kind of excuse as to why that might be. He remembered more than one occasion when he’d hugged a friend and the person’s cologne rubbed off onto him. Brian just shrugged it off and went on about his business.

The repeated playing of the CD with the violin music was another clue. Brian knew that the CD was from the artist that Lindsay and Melanie had taken Justin to see for his birthday. The fact that Justin never really liked classical music before that concert and then found a sudden extreme interest in it afterward disheartened Brian a little but he figured it was just like the first time he tried something new so he chalked it up to stupid jealousy. Brian Kinney does not get jealous so the matter was dropped.

He also noticed Justin was growing more distant and less responsive. Brian started to cut back on the tricks for a while but recently had to increase again because Justin just wasn’t interested in bed anymore. Where they used to fuck five or six times a day lately he was lucky to get five or six times a week. Brian knew that Justin was spending a great deal of time away from the loft. The blond said he was working which would have explained how tired he was. Brian’s insecurity and jealousy reared its ugly head once again, but he brushed it off.

The kiss in the comic shop was the last straw. Brian didn’t even open the door. He just turned, got in the Jeep and took off driving. He didn’t really know where he was going but he knew he didn’t want to be there. He ended up in front of an old music store he used to frequent in high school when he and Michael were pretending to have a band. He’d often bought his guitar strings and other accessories there at the privately owned shop rather than the chain music store that was way too over priced.

He walked into the store and started looking around. That’s when he noticed the sheet music section in the back of the store. He’d never noticed it when he was younger but he never really went to that part of the store before. He started looking around at all the different music. He noticed that there was a book of music from the movie Moulin Rouge and he picked it up, looking through it. He loved the movie and thought maybe he could learn to play the songs on his guitar.

As he was looking through the various songs he could hear Ewan McGregor’s voice in his head and he smiled slightly to himself. For a moment all of his troubles were forgotten as images from the movie, minus Nicole Kidman of course, ran through his head. Ewan was just so seriously hot in that movie. Brian stopped when he came upon one song, however. It was El Tango de Roxanne. The lyrics that were sung by the narcoleptic Argentinean disappeared from the page and his eyes fell on the counter point that Ewan sang. His heart started beating faster as he realized that the words were his life at that moment. That’s when he immediately bought the sheet music, took it home and left it for Justin to find. He could never actually say the words to the young man, but he hoped that Justin finding this from him would change the way their relationship was going. The last thing he wanted was to lose Justin.

When Justin got home he was surprised to see that Brian wasn’t there. It was almost nine at night on a weeknight and he knew that Brian had an early meeting the next morning so he wouldn’t be going out. He just shrugged and put his things down, going into the bathroom to take a shower. Justin figured maybe Brian was getting something to eat with the guys and that he’d be back later.

As he got ready to shower he noticed that Brian’s toothbrush and razor were missing. That’s when the thought occurred to him that maybe Brian had to go on a business trip and had forgotten to tell him. It was definitely a logical explanation and he was sure the older man would call later. But with the meeting the next morning…..

Justin showered quickly and got into a pair of sweats and a t-shirt, then went over to his desk to turn on the computer and give it a chance to warm up. That’s when he noticed the book sitting there. He wondered why there would be a book of music from Moulin Rouge sitting on his desk. He also noticed that there was a page marked. He was about to investigate when his empty stomach demanded immediate attention. He took the book into the kitchen and set it down on the counter as he got himself something to eat.

After heating up the left overs he found in the fridge he sat down there at the counter and started to eat, having momentarily forgotten about the book. When he glanced over at it he noticed that the piece of paper sticking out of it had a hotel’s name and phone number on it. Having eaten half the meal, Justin pulled the book over and started looking through it. By the time he got to the marked page he’d finished the rest of the reheated food.

His heart stopped as he started to read the highlighted text. He looked at the name and phone number on the piece of paper. It was definitely Brian’s hand writing. Apparently Brian was staying at a hotel. Justin realized at that moment that Brian knew. He’d found out about the affair. To make things worse not only had he found out, but he said, though not verbally, that he loved Justin. The blond barely made it to the bathroom before every ounce of food he’d just consumed made its way back up.

Once his stomach was again empty, Justin sat back against the wall, hugging his knees to his chest. Tears started rolling down his cheeks as a wave of guilt swept over him. He’d started sleeping with Ethan because he thought that Brian didn’t love him. He was even prepared to leave Brian for Ethan. They’d been making plans for the last couple of weeks. And now Brian knew about the affair. He wasn’t angry, he wasn’t even upset, he was just trying to fix it. Another bout of nausea hit him but this time there was nothing to come up but stomach acid. Once he was done with that he ended up crying himself to sleep there on the cold bathroom floor.

When Justin woke up the next morning he was feeling absolutely horrible. He was still sick to his stomach, the guilt still trying to eat him alive. He got up and took another shower, then got dressed. He decided his first course of action should be to break up with Ethan. He wanted to just call the man so that he didn’t have to see his face, but he couldn’t do that. He did care about Ethan and he thought it only appropriate to break up with him face to face.

He made his way over to Ethan’s on foot to give himself enough time to come up with exactly what he wanted to say. He needed to explain that he really did love Brian and that now that Brian was making a gesture to fix things, he couldn’t just leave. While he cared a great deal about Ethan, he didn’t love him the way he loved Brian.

“Justin.” The violinist said with a smile as he opened the door. The smile soon faded when he saw the look on the blonde’s face. “What’s going on?”

“We need to talk.” Justin said. Ethan knew immediately this was not good.

“Come on in.” He said as he stepped aside. Justin shook his head.

“It’s better if I don’t.”

“What’s up?”

“I can’t see you anymore.” Justin said, refusing to meet Ethan’s eyes.

“What?”

“I can’t see you anymore.”

“Why? What about our plans? Justin…..”

“He said it.” Justin said as he looked up into Ethan’s eyes for the first time. The brunet could see the anguish and guilt in the blue orbs. He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, knowing exactly what Justin meant. Brian told him that he loved him.

“So that’s it? He says it and you go running back? How do you know he’s going to change?”

“Brian never says anything he doesn’t mean.” Justin responded. Ethan didn’t need to know that the words hadn’t come from Brian’s mouth. The fact that they’d been said in anyway was enough for Justin.

“But I love you. I’ve shown you the whole time we’ve been together. You said I make you happy. You’re all I want. All I need. You can’t just do this.”

“Yes, I can. And I am. I love Brian. I can’t pretend that I don’t. I’m sorry.” Justin said and he started to walk away. Ethan grabbed his arm.

“You’re no better than he is.” He growled through clenched teeth before releasing Justin’s arm. Justin looked Ethan in the eye.

“You’re right. He’s a better man than I am because at least he didn’t cheat on me with an arrogant, no talent hack.” Justin almost yelled before storming off. Ethan grabbed the nearest thing he could find that wasn’t tied down which was one of his shoes, and threw it, hitting Justin in the back of the head. Justin turned and glared at him, rubbing the spot on the back of his head. He picked up the shoe and launched it at Ethan, but the shoe went sailing past him through the door and hit the violin, which was sitting on the windowsill. This caused the instrument to go flying out the window and hit the ground, shattering to pieces.

Ethan ran over and pushed Justin just as he got to the top of one of the flights of stairs. The blond went tumbling down, stopping at the first landing. He didn’t know how much damage was done but he knew he was hurting. Justin didn’t really have time to process the pain before Ethan was on top of him. Ethan landed one good punch to his jaw before Justin kneed him in the groin. Ethan grabbed his crotched and fell onto his side, freeing Justin. The artist got up, limping away before Ethan could retaliate.

Justin crossed the street and noticed Ethan come out of the building after him. Ethan ran across the street without even looking to see if there were any cars. At that moment Justin noticed a city bus coming down the street. The bus didn’t have time to stop before hitting Ethan and sending him flying several feet. It was obvious to anyone that looked by the way Ethan’s head was positioned that the young artist was dead. Justin thought it only slightly ironic that Ethan’s body landed on the shards of his broken violin.

Justin spent the rest of the day sitting in the loft crying. The next morning he got up and went to work. When he got to the diner it was obvious to everyone that he was miserable. He had a bruise on the side of his face that covered most of his left cheek. He was limping and it looked like he hadn’t slept in days.

“Holy shit, Sunshine, what happened to you?”

“It’s a long story.” Justin answered as he grabbed his apron and put it on. He went to wait tables. Later that afternoon Justin went to pick up an order and didn’t realize that the plate was hot. After burning his hand on the hot plate he dropped it and the plate shattered sending food and glass everywhere.

“FUCK!” He yelled, then knelt down to start cleaning up the glass. In the process he sliced the palm of his hand on one of the pieces. Debbie was coming over to help just as that happened. She grabbed a dishtowel, wrapped it around Justin’s hand and then looked over at Emmett.

“Can you take him to the emergency room?” She asked. Emmett nodded and took Justin’s hand, holding the towel in place. Two hours and six stitches later, Justin was back at the diner, sitting in one of the booths, staring at a plate of food that he didn’t want to eat. His stomach was still reeling from the previous day’s guilt as well as the added pain of watching Ethan die.

Justin heard the bell over the door ring and looked up to see Brian come in. The older man walked over to the counter and took a seat, completely ignoring Justin. Debbie noticed that Brian didn’t even look at the blond. She walked over and took his order, keeping an eye on the two of them. Justin’s shoulders seemed to slump further than before as he stared down at the table. Brian just continued to pretend the younger man didn’t exist. Once his order was filled he threw a twenty on the counter for a six-dollar sandwich and walked out the door. Debbie walked over and took a seat across from Justin.

“What’s going on with you two?”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve never seen Brian pretend you don’t exist. Even when he was trying to avoid you in the beginning he’d acknowledge your presence. So, what’s going on?”

“I cheated on Brian.” Justin admitted. Debbie looked at him for a minute.

“What do you mean, you cheated?”

“There was a guy that wasn’t just a trick. I’ve been seeing him for a couple of months now.”

“Oh….” Was all Debbie said. Justin knew it was a bad sign that the normally verbal woman was speechless.

“We ended it yesterday.” Justin said.

“What made you decide to end it?”

“Brian actually came out and said that he loves me. He didn’t say it verbally, but it was written down on a piece of paper. God, Debbie, I feel like absolute shit. I mean….I thought he didn’t love me. And I actually cared about this guy. And now….”

“Now what?”

“He didn’t want me to break up with him. He’s responsible for this.” Justin motioned to his cheek and Debbie nodded. It was obvious to Justin that she was angry. “I ran and he started to run after me and he got hit by a bus. He was killed instantly.”

“Oh my goodness.” Debbie crossed herself. Justin rested his head on the table beside the plate.

“I don’t know what to do.”

“Where is Brian now?”

“He moved into a hotel after leaving me the note.”

“You know which hotel?”

“He left the name and number.”

“Then I suggest you go talk to him.” Debbie said. Justin sighed heavily and nodded. That’s the last thing he wanted to do, but he knew that he needed to. It was the only way to fix things.

Brian was just about to fall asleep when he heard a knock on his door. He sighed heavily and got out of bed. He was wearing only a pair of red silk boxers that he’d had for ages when he opened the door to find Justin on the other side. The blond was looking down with his shoulders slumped and his hands in his pockets.

“Hey.” Was all Brian could manage.

“Hey.” Justin said, finally looking up. Brian noticed the large bruise on his cheek and immediately panicked.

“Oh my God, Justin, are you okay? What happened?” Brian asked as he gently pulled the younger man into the room. He led him over to a chair, noticing the limp, and helped him sit before kneeling down in front of him.

Justin looked Brian in the eye at that moment and was amazed at what he saw. He didn’t see anger or pain, he saw love and concern. Brian had completely forgotten the events of the past several months simply because Justin was hurt. This caused tears to form in the younger man’s eyes and he couldn’t keep them from spilling over his cheeks.

“Justin?” Brian asked as he gently wiped the tears away.

“I’m sorry, Brian. I’m so sorry.” Justin began to cry harder. Brian just pulled the blond into his arms, rubbing his back. Justin wrapped his arms tightly around Brian and rested his head on his shoulder as he sobbed. The two stayed like that for a while before Justin finally calmed down. Brian moved back a little to look at Justin again.

“You gonna tell me what happened?” He asked, motioning toward Justin’s cheek.

“I…..I went to break up with Ethan. He didn’t take it too well. He threw a shoe at me….”

“Who throws a shoe?” Brian interrupted and Justin couldn’t help but laugh.

“Well, I threw it back but it missed and knocked his violin out the window. Then he came at me. He pushed me down the stairs and he punched me.” Justin was avoiding Brian’s eyes but he could still feel the anger radiating off the man.

“That fucker…..I’ll kill him.” Brian said.

“You don’t have to.” Justin whispered.

“What?” Brian looked at Justin confused.

“I ran out of the building and he came after me. He got hit by a bus. He’s dead, Brian.” Brian simply nodded. He pulled Justin a little closer and rubbed his back gently.

“You okay?” He asked.

“I guess.”

“It can’t have been easy, seeing that.” Brian’s voice was soft and sincere.

“What do you mean?” Justin moved back a little to look Brian in the eye.

“I know you cared about him. Maybe even loved him. And even though he hurt you, I know you’d never wish him dead. I’m sorry that you had to see that.” Brian had a hand on Justin’s unharmed cheek, gently stroking with his thumb. Justin was once again amazed by the older man. This was certainly not the response he was expecting.

“I feel like it’s my fault.” Justin admitted.

“It’s not your fault, Justin. He should have been watching where he was going. You had no control over what happened. It’s not your fault.” Brian raised an eyebrow when a slight smirk appeared on Justin’s face.

“That speech sounds vaguely familiar.” He said, as he looked Brian in the eyes. Brian returned the small smile.

“What about your hand?” Brian decided to change the subject. Justin sighed.

“I burned it on a hot plate at the diner, then while I was cleaning up the glass I sliced my hand. I had to get stitches.” Brian gently took the hand and leaned down, kissing Justin’s palm. He then moved up to gently kiss the bruise on Justin’s cheek. Then he leaned down and kissed the injured knee from Justin’s fall down the stairs.

“Better?” Brian asked as he looked into the beautiful blue eyes that were once again wet with tears.

“Much.” Justin said shakily. Brian smiled and leaned in, lightly kissing Justin on the lips. “I love you.” Justin said as a tear rolled down his cheek.

“You too.” Brian said softly before kissing Justin once again, this time passionately. More tears streaked down Justin’s cheeks. Those two words instilled a new hope in Justin that maybe some day Brian would verbalize what his actions had been telling Justin all along.
 

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