No Matter What

Brian was sitting on the bed with the phone in his hands. He knew that he had to do this eventually, he just wasn't sure if he could. After a while, he decided it should be done in person so he got dressed, left a note for Justin, then headed to his mom's. He sat in the driveway for several minutes before getting out and going inside.

"I was wondering if you were just going to sit there in your car all day." Joan's cold tone greeted Brian as he walked in the door.

"Hello to you too," he said as he made his way over to the kitchen table. He started pacing in the middle of the kitchen rather than sitting down.

"So, what do you want?"

"I've got to tell you something, but I'm not sure if I can so just give me a minute, okay?"

She simply nodded, sipping a cup of coffee. Brian noticed that for once it wasn't a small glass of wine. After a minute, he took a deep breath and looked at her.

"Mom....I'm positive." He looked at her as he awaited her response.

"Positive?"

"HIV positive." He sighed, having forgotten that he'd have to spell things out for her. She was silent for a moment, then she nodded as she looked at him.

"This is what you get, Brian. God is punishing you for your disgusting lifestyle. You chose to live that way and now you have to live with the consequences." She got up and went to pour another cup of coffee.

Brian stood there in shock. That was certainly not the reaction he was expecting, even from Joan Kinney. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me," she said, her back to him as she poured a cup of coffee.

"Unbelievable. Un-fucking-believable! I didn't have to tell you, you know? I could have just gone on with my life and you wouldn't have found out until the day you got the call that I was dead. But I decided that I would come over here and tell you. Not just that I would tell you, but that I would tell you in person. I could have just called. I was thinking about just calling, but then I thought it would be better if I told you in person. Now I'm wishing I hadn't told you at all! How can you possibly be so cruel as to not care about the fact that your son, your only son, has a life threatening illness for which there is no known cure?"

Joan didn't respond. She kept her back to him, sipping her coffee.

As the silence stretched out, Brian grew angrier and angrier. "I don't know why I even try anymore. You told me that you wished we could be close like we were before....like when I was a kid. But that was before you found out I'm gay. Then all of a sudden you decide that you don't want anything to do with me. Now I tell you that, for all intents and purposes, I'm dying and all you can say is 'That's what you get for your disgusting lifestyle.' You know, you're supposed to be my mom. Being my mom entails loving me unconditionally. But I guess you never figured that out, did you?

"All I ever wanted from you, my entire life, was for you to love me. I didn't really think that was too much to ask. But then I had to keep reminding myself that I wasn't ever wanted in the first place. I understand that Catholics frown on abortion, mom, but there have been times that I wish you’d had the guts to go ahead and get one anyway. It would have saved me a lot of pain and grief over the years wondering why my own parents didn't even love me." He paused for a moment.

"If you can't turn around and look at me right now and show me that there is at least the tiniest amount of love for me somewhere in that block of ice you call a heart, then I'm through. If it so happens that I die before you do, you'll never know. If you die before I do, I don't want to know. Even if you don't love me now, if you can't tell me that you ever loved me, even just a little bit when I was a baby, then when I walk out that door you will never, and I do mean never, see or hear from me again."

His heart was pounding and he took slow deep breaths to try to calm down. He stood there shaking slightly for several minutes without so much as a response from the woman that gave him life. She didn't even bother to turn around, just kept her back to him, sipping her coffee. Without saying a word he turned and left the house, getting into his Jeep and driving off. As much as he didn't like his mother he’d always thought that she at least loved him a little bit. He drove around for a while until he found himself sitting in the driveway of the Novotny house. He turned the Jeep off and sat there for a moment. After about five minutes, Deb came out and knocked on the window.

"You wanna come in?" she asked with a slight smile. Brian nodded and opened the door, following her into the warm house. It wasn't until they got inside that Debbie noticed the tears streaking down Brian's cheeks. Her expression immediately changed to concern. "What is it, baby?" She gently took his arm and moved him over to the couch, sitting beside him. He wiped his eyes with the back of his sleeve, looking all of twelve years old for just a second.

"I.....I told my mom that I'm positive." His voice was shaking because of the tears that kept rolling down his face.

"And what did she have to say about that?" Debbie reached out a hand and was slowly rubbing his back.

"She said that God was punishing me for my disgusting lifestyle," he scoffed, grabbing a tissue and blowing his nose.

Debbie suddenly became livid. "Why that self righteous, cold hearted, over religious, bitch! I oughta give her a piece of my mind!" Debbie stood and headed for the phone.

Brian reached out and grabbed her arm. "Don't bother." The look on Brian's face at that moment, the tone of his voice, absolutely broke Debbie's heart. She resumed her seat beside him and started rubbing his back again.

"That's not all that's troubling you, is it?" she asked. Brian closed his eyes as a fresh flow of tears rolled down his cheeks. He shook his head and grabbed another tissue, using it to wipe at his eyes.

"She had her back to me and I asked her to turn around and tell me that she loved me. Even if it was just when I was a baby. I needed her to tell me that at some point in my life she loved me, even just a little."

"And what did she say?"

"Nothing.....absolutely fucking nothing.....she didn't even turn around."

Debbie wrapped her arms around Brian and held him. He rested his head on her shoulder and just let the tears come. He always thought that he could handle anything his parents threw at him. They didn't matter, they were just the ones that brought him into the world and put up with him until he was old enough to move out. But deep down inside was a need just like every other person on the planet, a need to be loved by his parents. He knew that they never wanted him, he understood that they didn't like him, but he always thought that deep down they really did love him.

After a while, Brian finally stopped crying, the sobs dying down to sniffles, and he sat back, once again wiping his eyes with his sleeve. This was the most emotion Debbie had ever seen Brian display, especially where his parents were concerned. She felt so bad for him. Here was this beautiful, intelligent, wonderful man that deserved to be loved by everybody who just happened to be born into a family of total jackasses. The fact that they couldn't realize what a great person Brian was and love him for that alone made Debbie angry.

"I told her she didn't have to worry about me anymore."

"What do you mean?"

"I told her that if she couldn't tell me that she loved me, even just a bit, that she would never see or hear from me again. That.....if I happened to die before her she would never know and that I didn't want to know if she dies before me. She's already dead to me because that's the way she wants it." With that final statement, the old Brian Kinney returned. The emotionless mask slipped into place and Debbie sighed.

"Brian, I'm so sorry about all of this." She leaned in and kissed his cheek. "And don't tell me that sorry's bullshit because I know that you're hurting. I just want you to know that I'll be here for you, okay? Because I love you, no matter what." He was silent for a moment, then he smiled, kissing her cheek in return.

"Thanks, Deb." He hugged her again, lingering for just a minute in the warm embrace, then got up. "I better get going. I told Justin I'd be home an hour ago. He's probably worried sick by now."

"You call him before you pull out of the driveway."

"I will." Brian headed for the door.

"And be careful, okay?" She smiled when he turned, his hand on the doorknob. There was a slight smirk on his face.

"I will, mom," he said only half jokingly before walking out the door.

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