Love Lost My Mind

Brian was standing on the catwalk at Babylon, drink in hand, scanning the crowd. It was a typical Friday night, though he didn't really find anyone that interested him. Mikey was at home with Ben so Brian was alone. He sighed heavily. He hadn't even found anyone worth taking to the back room let alone worth taking home. He was getting ready to leave, even though it was only ten, when he saw Ted and Emmett enter the club and head straight for the bar.
 

Emmett and Ted spotted Brian on the catwalk almost as soon as they walked in. They saw him descending the stairs and immediately thought he’d found his prey for the evening. Both of them were more than a little shocked to see Brian walking up to them.
 

"Hey, guys. How's it going?" Brian asked.
 

"Hi.....Brian.....um......I'm good," Emmett replied.
 

"Yeah, we're good, how about you?" Ted asked.
 

"Bored out of my fucking mind," Brian said with a sigh. "So......you guys want a drink? I'm buying." Brian smiled.
 

"What's the catch?" Ted asked suspiciously.
 

"No catch. Aren't I allowed to be nice for a change?"
 

"That's definitely a change," Ted said.

Emmett smacked his arm lightly. "It's a change I can deal with. I'll have a cosmo."
 

"What about you, Theodore?" Brian asked with a raised eyebrow.
 

"Um......scotch on the rocks," Ted replied. Brian nodded and ordered the drinks, as well as a double Beam straight up for himself. He handed the drinks to Emmett and Ted before taking his own and looking at them.
 

"So......how's the house coming along?"
 

"Oh, you should see the wall paper I picked out for the bedroom! It can only be described as sexy," Emmett gushed. Ted rolled his eyes.
 

"You set yourself up for that one." Ted looked at Brian who only shrugged. Emmett continued to go on about the house and much to their amazement Brian actually looked like he was listening.
 

"It sounds really nice, Em. Can't wait to see it. You are planning on having a party as soon as the decorating is done, right?"
 

"Hello..........this is me we're talking about here," he said and they both laughed, though Ted was vaguely suspicious about the whole thing.
 

"So, Brian. Where's Michael? I thought you would’ve dragged him here with you tonight."
 

"Mikey's playing house with the professor." Brian snickered. "You think he's Ginger, or Mary Ann?" Emmett and Ted both laughed at that.
 

"Ginger," Ted quipped.
 

"No, Teddy. Ginger was a red head. Michael would be Mary Ann."
 

"Well, it doesn't really matter because either way it makes me sick," Brian said, rolling his eyes.
 

"You're just jealous," Ted commented.
 

"Jealous? Of those two? No more drinks for you, Theodore."
 

"They have what you want."
 

"What? A hideous apartment? Poor fashion sense? No thanks." Brian downed the rest of his drink.
 

"An honest, loving relationship." Ted spoke slowly, getting his point across.
 

"Fuck relationships," Brian said, ordering another drink.
 

"You've got fucking down to an art form; it's relationships you seem to have a problem with."
 

"Teddy......." Emmett said in warning, putting a hand on Ted's arm. The warning went unheeded however.
 

"You couldn't even get it right with Justin. He adored you, would have done anything for you, all you had to do was show him a little appreciation and you couldn't even do that." Brian looked at Ted, his expression blank. Emmett and Ted both knew that if Brian wasn't showing any emotion at all, he was either hurting or angry.
 

"Ted, that is quite beyond enough. At least he did try with Justin. He loved him in his own way. Not everyone knows how to show love. I mean.......look at Brian's family. Would you know how to show love if you grew up in that fucked up environment? Nobody's perfect," Emmett said.

Ted sighed. "Look, Brian. I'm sorry."
 

"No, Ted......you're right." He then gave Emmett a kiss on the cheek before moving to give Ted a hug, both men were completely confused.

"Thanks," Brian said as he hugged Ted.
 

"For what?" Ted asked.
 

"For caring enough to be honest. You're a good friend." He looked at his watch, then looked around the dance floor before looking back at Ted and Emmett. "I'll see you guys later." Then he left. Emmett and Ted both stared at his retreating back. Once the initial shock of the moment wore off, Ted pulled out his cell phone.
 

"What are you doing?" Emmett asked.
 

"I'm calling Michael." He dialed the number quickly and listened as the phone rang. "Shit, I got his voicemail." After a couple of seconds, Ted started speaking. "Michael, this is Ted. If you're there, pick up. Michael, listen. Brian is really freaking out. Or at the very least freaking us out. Not only did he thank me and Emmett for caring enough to be honest with him, he kissed Em on the cheek and gave me a hug. Something is really wrong. You need to talk to him, and fast." Ted hung up and looked at Emmett. "Now we can only hope he gets the message in time." Emmett nodded, both worrying about Brian.
 

*****

Brian got into the Jeep and started heading for home. It was the first night in a long time that he left without at the very least getting his dick sucked but there was something about tonight that just made him want to go home, crawl into bed, curl up under the duvet and go to sleep. When he stopped at a red light, he noticed a limo pull up to a restaurant down the street. He started to look away when he saw the door open and a group of kids pile out. None of them could have been older than eighteen. They were dressed in formal wear. Brian's whole body tensed up when he saw one of the boys. The young man had short, almost white blond hair, gelled in place. Brian closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm his suddenly pounding heart as flashes from two years ago went through his mind.
 

He was brought back to reality by the sound of a car horn coming from behind him. He looked up and noticed that the light was green. Throwing the Jeep into gear he took off toward Tremont Street. As he drove he realized what it was about the night that was bothering him so much. In two days would be the exact two-year anniversary of the prom that almost cost Justin his life. He figured this night was affecting him so much because it had all taken place on a Friday night. A Friday night that he would never forget no matter how hard he tried.
 

Brian decided to park on the street in front of the loft rather than his space in the parking garage. He got out of the Jeep, taking the stairs slowly as he went up to the loft. He opened the door and walked inside, then just stood there for a minute. Even after all that time it still amazed him how empty the loft seemed without Justin in it. He decided that he needed to put some music on. He walked over and grabbed one of the many burned CD's that he had and put it in, selecting a song at random. What he didn't realize was that his stereo was set on repeat. Brian froze halfway between the stereo and the kitchen as Save the Last Dance for Me filled the loft.
 

He closed his eyes as he listened to the music, after only a couple of bars, he started to sway in time with the song and before long he was moving around the loft in his best imitation of the dance he shared that night with Justin. He completely lost himself in the memories of the dance; smiling and laughing at the same times he'd done that night. When the song ended, Brian stood still for a moment before making his way over to the couch. He rested his elbows on his knees and put his face in his hands, the night playing over and over again in his mind. Justin walking away, Hobbs coming out of the shadows, Justin turning, the bat swinging. He couldn't get the images out of his head. He didn't realize he was crying until he felt the tears drop into his hands. He had to call Justin, even just to hear his voice again. He had to know the artist was okay. Brian picked up the phone and dialed the number for Justin's cell phone.
 

"Hello?" Justin answered sleepily. Brian looked at the clock and saw that it was almost one in the morning, he remembered that Justin had a Saturday class and sighed.
 

"I.......sorry I woke you up. I won't bother you anymore." Brian's voice was shaking as he spoke and he sniffled.
 

"Brian......are you okay?" Justin thought he heard music in the background, though he wasn't quite sure what it was.
 

"Don't worry about it." Brian then hung up. Justin looked at the phone in his hand in total confusion. It was at that moment that Justin realized what song was playing in the background. His whole body tensed, his heart pounding. He was suddenly very scared for his ex lover. Justin dialed Brian's number, hoping to get the older man and talk to him. When he got the answering machine, Justin got up and immediately started getting dressed.
 

"Where are you going?" Ethan asked as he rolled over.
 

"I've got something I need to take care of."
 

"At this time of the morning?"
 

"Yes."
 

"What is it?"
 

"I'll tell you later." Justin had been getting dressed the whole time, not once looking at Ethan.
 

"Tell me now," Ethan insisted. Justin finished putting on his shoes.
 

"I don't have time."
 

"Why not?" Ethan asked, a little annoyed.
 

"Because someone I care about could be dead if I don't leave right now." Justin answered. He walked out the door before Ethan could say anything.
 

Brian sat on the couch, listening to the song playing over and over and over again. He wasn't sure when it happened but at some point he’d gone into the kitchen and gotten a knife. He sat there looking at the knife, watching the light reflect off the titanium blade. Brian rolled up the left sleeve of his shirt and looked at the underside of his forearm. He was totally detached from anything as he started lightly tracing the tip of the blade along his skin. It was just enough to cause light scratches, though, not break the skin.
 

He continued to trace along his skin as he closed his eyes. He got a replay of Hobbs coming out of the shadows and swinging the bat. As soon as the bat made contact with Justin's head, a shudder ran through his body. He felt a slight pain in his arm and looked down, the shudder having caused him to break the skin. He watched as a tiny drop of blood began to bead up on his arm. Brian continued to watch in fascination as the drop of blood grew and spread on his arm.
 

He took the knife and traced a line down the middle of his arm, starting at his wrist and going to about halfway up his forearm. He put just enough pressure to break the skin. He watched as the blood trickled down the side of his arm. Soon he made another cut and then another, none of them deep enough to cause any real damage. He continued to watch as the blood ran down his arm.
 

Justin ended up having to take a cab to get to the loft because the buses didn't run at that time of the morning, especially on a Saturday. He saw the Jeep parked out front, so he knew Brian was still home. Justin stood on the sidewalk for a second. Apparently Brian had turned the music up because Justin could hear if from the street. Save the Last Dance for Me blared out of the loft. Justin ran up the stairs two at a time, then pounded on the loft door.
 

"Brian! Open up! Please!" He banged as loudly as he could but he was certain that he couldn't be heard over the music. Then he remembered he still had his key, even after all this time he hadn't thought to return it. He pulled it out and unlocked the door, stepping inside. Brian didn't even flinch when the door opened. Justin walked over and turned the music down, then looked at Brian. The older man was sitting on the couch staring at something.
 

"Just like the scarf," Brian said in a distant voice.

Justin moved around the couch so that he could see what Brian was talking about. His eyes went wide as Brian's whole body came into view. Brian was sitting on the couch with a knife in his hand. He was making cut after cut after cut into his skin, the blood running down his arm. He understood what Brian was saying when he saw that some of the blood had gotten onto the white couch. Justin moved over and knelt down in front of Brian, reaching out to take the knife from his hand. He put up no fight as Justin took the knife, taking it into the kitchen. He grabbed one of the dishtowels and walked back over, wrapping it around Brian's arm.
 

Justin looked at Brian as he wrapped the towel around his arm. He had a vacant look in his eyes that Justin had never seen before. Even when Brian was totally stoned, he looked like he was actually inside his own head. Now it seemed like Brian was somewhere else and this was just the shell that used to house his mind. That fact alone freaked Justin to the point of calling an ambulance. He wasn't sure what Brian had taken and he wasn't going to take any chances. Justin put a hand on the older man's cheek.
 

"Brian?" He was trying to get some kind of reaction out of him. Brian said nothing, though tears started rolling down his cheeks. Justin reached up and wiped the tears, leaning in and kissing his forehead. "Shhhh, Brian. It's gonna be okay."
 

"Justin....." Brian said softly, his voice thick with emotion as the tears continued to pour down his cheeks.
 

"Yes, Brian......I'm here," Justin said, his hands still on Brian's cheeks.
 

"Please don't die......" Brian sniffled. Justin looked at him a minute, completely confused.
 

"Brian....."
 

"You can't die......Justin......I love you.....please don't die." Brian sniffled again. Justin pulled Brian into his arms, holding him close. Brian rested his head on Justin's shoulder.
 

"Brian.....it's okay."
 

"I killed him......Mikey.......this is all my fault........I fucking killed Justin......."

It was at that moment that realization dawned on Justin. Brian was reliving the prom. Brian's shoulders began to shake as he started to sob uncontrollably. Justin didn't know what to do other than hold him while they waited for the ambulance to arrive. When the paramedics got there, they quickly wrapped Brian's arm before loading him onto the stretcher. They let Justin ride along, the artist holding Brian's hand the entire time.
 

"This is all wrong," Brian said softly.
 

"What is?" Justin asked.
 

"You......you're in the wrong place." He looked at Justin with a serious expression.
 

"What do you mean?" Justin questioned.
 

"You're supposed to be here." Brian then looked down at the stretcher to which he was strapped.
 

"Brian........that was two years ago." Justin sighed heavily, worry written all over his face. Brian looked at him a minute.
 

"Oh," was the only thing he said before laying back and staring at the roof of the ambulance. His eyes were once again completely blank. Justin leaned down and kissed his forehead. When they got to the hospital, Justin was forced to sit in the waiting room while Brian was taken back to exam. After a few minutes, the doctor came out and walked right up to him.
 

"Are you here with Mr. Kinney?" he asked and Justin nodded. "Do you know what he might have taken?"
 

"No. I didn't see him until I went to his place and found him cutting into his arm," Justin said softly and the doctor nodded, making some notes. "Is he gonna be okay?"
 

"Luckily none of the cuts were too deep. He did lose some blood, but not enough to cause any problems. Unfortunately, it's not his physical health that we're concerned about at the moment. Do you have any idea why Mr. Kinney might have done this?" The doctor looked Justin in the eye. Justin remembered the song playing over and over and over again, then nodded.
 

"Sunday will be the second anniversary of the day I got bashed at my senior prom. Brian was there with me. He saw the whole thing. We were........together at the time. It messed him up just as bad as it messed me up, but he refused to get any help." The doctor once again nodded and made some notes. "Can I see him?"
 

"I'm afraid not until after the psych consult."
 

"Thank you." Justin returned to his seat in the waiting room as the doctor walked away. He pulled out his cell phone and called Debbie.
 

"Hello?" she answered, obviously sleepy.
 

"Deb....." Justin had to clear his throat, his voice cracking.
 

"Sunshine.......what's wrong?"
 

"Deb......I'm at the hospital......with Brian"
 

"Why? What happened?" Worry was evident in her voice. Justin was having a hard time keeping his emotions in check, his voice shaking.
 

"I don't know. I mean......he called me, and he sounded really sad......and he just hung up.....and he was playing Save the Last Dance......and when I got to the loft.......Deb, he was cutting himself."
 

"Cutting himself?" Deb asked.
 

"Yeah, he had a knife and he just kept cutting into his arm......and then he kept saying 'please don't die' and something about Mikey and....Deb......I'm scared." By this time Justin was crying. He sniffled and wiped at his eyes with the heel of his hand.
 

"Okay, you try to stay calm, I'll be right there." Debbie hung up the phone and went up to her room to get dressed.
 

"What's going on?" Vic asked, popping his head out of his room.
 

"Brian's in the hospital," was her only reply as she went into her bedroom. Vic nodded and got dressed as well. Before long they were both sitting beside Justin in the waiting room. It was about an hour later before anyone came out to talk to them.
 

"How is he?" Justin asked.
 

"I'm afraid we're going to have to commit him," the doctor answered.
 

"Commit him, what does that mean?" Debbie questioned.
 

"It means they're moving him to the psych ward," Vic answered for the doctor.
 

"What the hell for?" Debbie demanded. Justin stayed quiet.
 

"I'm afraid that Mr. Kinney is completely catatonic. We can't get any kind of a response out of him. Toxicology shows no drugs in his system and his blood alcohol level was almost nonexistent so that was ruled out as well. That coupled with the fact that his injuries are self inflicted has made it necessary to involuntarily commit him."
 

"Can we see him?" Vic asked.
 

"I'm afraid not. It's Dr. Myers' opinion that it would be best for Mr. Kinney to not have visitors for the time being."
 

"Who is Dr. Myers?" Justin asked.
 

"Dr. Myers is the current on call psychiatrist." They all nodded. "We'll let you know as soon as he can have visitors."
 

"Thank you," Vic said and the doctor nodded before walking off. Justin sat down hard in the uncomfortable plastic chair, staring at the floor. Debbie sat down beside him, putting a hand on his back.
 

"This isn't your fault, Sunshine," she said softly.

Justin looked up at her, tears streaking his cheeks. "Then why do I feel like it is?" He asked.

Debbie's only response was to pull him into a hug.

*****

 

Justin and Ethan were sitting at their small table eating dinner when there was a knock on the door. Justin got up to answer it and saw that it was Melanie.
 

"Hey, what's up?"
 

"I've got to talk to you about something," she said.
 

"Sure, come on in." He started to move so she could enter. Melanie leaned close and spoke softly.
 

"It's about Brian." She looked over his shoulder at Ethan. Justin looked at Ethan as well.
 

"I'll just be a minute." Then he stepped out into the hall with Melanie. "What's up?"
 

"Well......when you and Brian were living together, Brian came to me and got a power of attorney signed and notarized. It's perfectly legal and completely binding until Brian changes it."
 

"What does this have to do with me?"
 

"You're the person Brian gave power of attorney to."
 

"What?" Justin's eyes went wide. Melanie handed over the document and Justin looked it over. "What exactly does this mean?"
 

"It means that you're in charge of everything. His money, the loft, his stocks, even his partner shares of Vangard. He's given you full reign over everything." She handed Justin Brian's checkbook. "You get to make sure that all his bills are paid on time and you get to make sure that everything stays in order."
 

"But.......why me?"
 

"Because Brian can't exactly change it now, can he? He never changed it after the break up. I asked him if he wanted to and he said no."
 

"Did he say why he didn't want to change it?"
 

"He said that he felt you were the only person he could trust. Justin......he even made you the executor of his living will. It was originally Michael, but he changed it. You are literally responsible for everything up to and including his life."
 

"Holy shit."
 

"I know it's a lot of responsibility, but there's nothing I can do. Brian's the only one that can change it and he’s not of the mental capacity to do that, otherwise I wouldn't be turning this stuff over to you. I've already sent copies of the power of attorney to all of Brian's service providers, electricity, gas, phone, Internet. He's got the loft paid off so you won't have to worry about that. I also sent a copy of the power of attorney to the tuition office."
 

"But......why?"
 

"You and Brian have an agreement about your tuition, right?"
 

"Yeah."
 

"Well.......there's no telling how long Brian is going to be like this. It's possible you may need to pay your tuition."
 

"God, I hope he snaps out of this before that happens. I feel bad enough about taking his money as it is."
 

"I know you do, sweetie, and I hope he comes back to us too. Because right now you're the only one that can give Lindsay money for Gus and she really doesn't want to have to ask you. She hates having to ask Brian."
 

"Everyone is going to hate me."
 

"No one is going to know but Linds and me. Anyone else is strictly up to you."
 

"Thanks, Mel."
 

"Let me know if you need anything else. Oh, and you'll need to keep that copy for yourself in case something came up that I didn't think about." She then turned and left. Justin folded the power of attorney paperwork and stuffed it and the checkbook into his back pocket and went back into the apartment.
 

"What was that all about?" Ethan asked.

Justin looked Ethan square in the eye. "My mom is having her do some stuff and she needed my signature on a few things."
 

"Oh, okay." Ethan nodded then went back to eating. Justin walked over to his bag, quickly deposited the checkbook and piece of paper, then went back to join Ethan, not even thinking about the fact that he just lied to his lover.

*****

It had been a week and Brian was still catatonic. Nothing the doctors said or did could bring him out of the state. They talked to his friends and family trying to come up with some idea as to what could bring Brian back to reality. Finally they decided perhaps visitors would help. They were told, however, that he could only have one visitor at a time. The first to visit was Debbie. She’d gotten Margaret to switch shifts with her so she could go to the hospital during visiting hours.
 

Debbie looked around the stark white room with the bars on the windows and sighed heavily. The furniture was uncomfortable. The lights overhead were almost blinding and everything was white. Brian was brought into the room in a wheelchair. He was wearing hospital issue pajamas and a robe. He was staring at the floor and his eyes were vacant. Debbie put a hand over her mouth as she looked at him. The orderly brought him over and Debbie moved one of the chairs beside him, taking his hand.
 

"Brian.....sweetie.......it's Debbie." She squeezed his hand gently and sighed when she got no response. "We're all really worried about you, sweetie. I know that you're hurting, but you need to come back to us. They can't help you until you can tell them what's wrong." She watched him for a moment, tears starting to roll down her cheeks.
 

"We all really miss you, Brian. Especially Gus. He keeps asking for his daddy." She closed her eyes a minute, then reached up and moved some hair out of his eyes. She then leaned in and kissed his forehead, making sure to wipe off the lip prints. "You get better, sweetie, okay?" Her voice was shaking at that point. Debbie nodded to the orderly before getting up and walking out of the hospital. Once she was home, she sat down on the couch and let her emotions go.
 

"What's wrong?" Vic asked as he sat next to his sister on the couch.
 

"He's not there, Vic. Brian's not there at all." Debbie grabbed a tissue and started wiping at her eyes. Vic put an arm around her shoulders and hugged her, not sure what to say.

*****
 

The next to visit was Michael. The doctors agreed that maybe Michael could bring Brian out of his current state, him being the closest of the group to Brian. Once again Brian was brought into the room in a wheelchair, staring blankly at the floor. Michael moved so that he was sitting next to Brian.
"Hey, Brian. What's up?" As Michael expected there was no response. "Oh, I got the next issue of Rage in today. It looks really good. Justin came up with a pretty good idea." Michael wasn't looking at Brian so he missed the slight change at the mention of the artist's name. "I fine tuned it, of course, but he did most of the work on this one. I've actually gotten a ton of pre-orders from the website." He looked at Brian and sighed. By this time the change that Justin's name brought on had vanished. "And you don't want to talk about Rage......." Michael searched his memory for something that might interest his friend.
 

"Oh, I saw a commercial the other day and I was wondering if it was one you came up with. For that Hydrosol floor cleaner stuff. It was really good. Made me want to go out and buy the shit right then and there. Guess it must have been you because it was a fucking brilliant ad." He waited and still got nothing in return. Michael took Brian's hand. "Brian.....please......come back to us. You may not believe this but we need you. I mean......who else is gonna be brutally honest for us, regardless of how much it hurts? I really miss you, Brian." Michael sighed and kissed Brian's cheek, then stood and left.

Emmett was the next to visit.
 

"Oh my goodness, Brian.......look at you. No one else could make hospital issue pajamas and robe look sexy but you somehow manage to pull it off. Of course, that's not a surprise considering you could make a plastic trash bag look sexy. That's just you, right?" Brian simply sat there staring at the floor. "I know that you were asking about the house, Brian. It'll be decorated in a couple of weeks. I'm throwing a housewarming party three weeks from tomorrow and I expect you to be there." Emmett sighed when he still got no response. He leaned in close to Brian's ear. "Sweetie, I don't know where you are but it must be a whole hell of a lot better than here if you refuse to come back." He then kissed Brian's cheek before leaving.
 

The visitors flowed through for the next week, everyone taking their turns talking to Brian. Even Melanie paid Brian a visit. She baited him with a few snide comments and looked thoroughly disappointed to get no response whatsoever.

Finally, two weeks after he was allowed to start having visitors, Justin showed up to talk to Brian. By this time the doctors were starting to give up hope. They were convinced that Brian would remain catatonic for the rest of his life. They wheeled him into the room and the orderly that had come to care for Brian on a regular basis leaned down to talk to him.
 

"Brian, look who's here. It's Justin," Max said. He’d been watching Brian the entire time, noticing the slight changes every time someone would mention Justin's name. He smiled when he noticed the slight change again, though it wasn't much. "I'll leave you two alone," Max said.

Justin nodded and then Max walked off. Justin moved his chair over next to Brian's. He wasn't sure why the orderly was smiling because Justin only saw his former lover with a completely blank expression staring at the floor.
 

"Hey, Brian. Everybody's been telling me about how good you look. I think they've gone whacko personally. How can anybody look good in hospital gear, right?" He laughed nervously and watched Brian for any sign of response. "I like your hair a little longer like this. It looks really good. Although it shows they don't give haircuts here as often as maybe they should. I'm glad to see that they shave you though." Justin reached up and put a hand on Brian's cheek. His eyes went a little wide as Brian moved into the touch. Justin looked at him for a minute.
 

"Brian.......are you in there?" Justin kept the one hand on Brian's cheek, moving his other hand over Brian's. As soon as Justin took his hand, Brian squeezed gently. Justin almost jumped. "Brian.......can you hear me?" Brian squeezed his hand once again.

Justin decided to do a little test. He moved his hands, putting them in his lap. Brian once again returned to the statue that his friends described. Justin reached up and touched his cheek again, Brian once again moving into the touch. The older man's eyes were still vacant, but he was responding to Justin. Justin started to gently stroke Brian's cheek with his thumb. Brian closed his eyes and the faintest smile crept onto his lips. Justin felt tears welling up in his eyes.
 

"I'm afraid the doctor says time's up," Max said as he came over, putting his hands on the back of Brian's chair.
 

"You can't make me go now......can't you see this?" Justin asked, pointing to Brian with his free hand.
 

"I do see it and I really don't want to do this, but I have to follow the doctor's orders and they say time's up. I'm sorry."

Justin sighed heavily and leaned in to kiss Brian's forehead. As soon as his hands were moved, Brian's smile faded, his expression going blank again. Justin sighed as he left.
 

"I know you saw that, James," one of the doctors said as they watched Justin leaving.
 

"It appears that blond may be the key to getting Brian to come back." Dr. Myers looked at his colleague and they both nodded.

*****
 

"So how did it go?" Debbie asked as Justin walked into the diner.
 

"Brian smiled," Justin said as he took a seat at the counter.
 

"He what?" she asked amazed.
 

"He smiled. I touched his cheek and he nuzzled my hand and he smiled."
 

"This is no time to be funny, Justin." Debbie put her hands on her hips.
 

"You think I would joke about this?"
 

"But......nobody can get him to react. Not even Michael," she said, amazed. Justin simply shrugged.
 

"I don't know why it happened, Deb. I just know that it happened. I took his hand and I asked him if he was in there and he squeezed my hand. I took my hands away and he went back to looking like a statue. Then I put my hand on his cheek again and he actually smiled."

Debbie looked at Justin rather sternly. "If this doesn't tell you that he loves you then I don't know what does." Justin looked down at his hands as Debbie went back to work.
 

After Justin's fourth visit, Dr. Myers pulled him aside.
 

"Yes?" Justin asked.
 

"I'm Dr. Myers; I'm the one in charge of Brian's care." He held out his hand. Justin shook it.
 

"What can I do for you?"
 

"Well, we've noticed a pattern in Brian's behavior."
 

"Oh?" Justin asked.
 

"Yes. It seems that you’re able to get a reaction out of Brian."
 

"Yeah, so?" Justin looked at him a minute.
 

"Well, it seems that you're the only one that can. Not even Brian's own son can get a reaction out of him. He sits there totally catatonic. And yet when you're here, he reacts. It's not much. A slight movement of his hand, a small smile, changing the tilt of his head, but it's more than we get from him when anyone else visits him."
 

"What are you saying?"
 

"I'm sure you're aware of the fact that Brian has retreated into his mind. While his body is sitting in that wheelchair, his mind is very obviously somewhere else." Justin simply nodded. "My colleagues and I believe that you are the key to bringing Brian back down to earth. The fact that he gives any kind of reaction at all while you're here is very significant and we think that, given enough time, Brian will rejoin the land of the living so to speak."
 

"What exactly do you want me to do?"
 

"If it's at all possible, we'd like you to come visit him every day, for at least an hour, maybe two. Talk to him, read to him, touch him, whatever, but spend time with him. It seems that touch is the most effective way to get him to come out. Hold his hand as you talk to him. Touch his shoulder, his cheek, his knee. Let him know that you're there. Let him feel your touch."
 

"How long do you think it'll take for him to come back?"
 

"I don't really know, to be honest. It could take days, weeks, even months or years, but this is the only hope we've got."
 

"I don't understand why I'm such a big factor in this. I mean......Brian and I broke up a little over a year ago."
 

"It's obvious that he still has feelings for you, otherwise he wouldn't come out of his shell, even just a little bit. It's a crude analogy, but......right now Brian's mind is kind of like a turtle, hidden deep within its shell. He's keeping himself from getting hurt by hiding from everything, even those things that won't hurt him. When you touch him, talk to him......it's like he's coming out just a little bit. Just enough to see what's going on around him. But as soon as you leave, he goes back in his shell again."
 

"And what you want me to do is draw him out of his shell."
 

"Yes, exactly."
 

"There's just one problem with that."
 

"What's that?"
 

"I'm in a relationship with someone else. If I draw Brian out, and he thinks that I want to get back together with him, and I tell him I don't........"
 

"He could go right back in his shell," Dr. Myers finished for Justin.
 

"Look, I'll come and visit him. I'll try to get him back to reality. But in the process I am going to make sure that he understands that I will only be his friend."
 

"That could put a serious damper on his progress," Dr. Myers said.
 

"It's better than tricking him, lying to him, making false promises and then going back on them. If I'm honest with him I might be able to draw him back out eventually. If I lie to him and he finds out, he might be lost forever."

*****

Justin was sitting at a table in the diner. He had Brian's checkbook out and was going through Brian's mail, pulling out the bills and preparing to pay them. He'd gone through the electric bill, the phone bill and the Internet bill when he came across the letter from the tuition office. He paused a minute as he looked at it. He knew that Brian had the money to pay for it, even after all his other bills were paid, but he felt like he was taking advantage of the man's condition. He just sat there staring at the letter.
 

Lindsay had come in to get something to eat and was waiting for it to get fixed. The diner was actually pretty busy so she had a few minutes to wait. She looked around and noticed Justin sitting there staring at a piece of paper. She could tell by his expression that he was thinking about something. She walked over and took a seat across from him.
 

"Hey" she said. She smiled slightly when he jumped.
 

"Hey," he replied.
 

"What's up?" she asked.
 

"Paying Brian's bills," he said quietly since no one else was supposed to know.
 

"By telepathy?" she asked with a smirk. Justin's confused expression made her laugh. "You're just staring at that one."
 

"It's my tuition bill."
 

"And?"
 

"And what? I don't want to take Brian's money when he's like this. I didn't want to take it when he was normal."
 

"Justin.........Brian offered it to you. He wants you to go to school and you can't do that without his money."
 

"But......."
 

"Listen, Justin. When Brian was in college he was on a scholarship. He was constantly worrying about his grades because he had to make a certain GPA to keep his scholarship. He also had to work a lot of long hours at a job he hated to get enough money for day-to-day expenses like books and food and rent because his scholarship was strictly for tuition. When you said you wouldn't take his money, it tore him up inside. Especially when you started that job as a go-go boy at Babylon. He was a wreck."
 

"Really?"
 

"Yes, really. You should have seen his face when he told me you finally accepted the money from him. He was so happy. And he was really worried that the break up would make you want to not take his money, which is what happened. He didn't want you to have to worry about tuition the way he did. So go ahead and pay it. It's what he would want." Just then her order was ready and she had to go. She kissed his cheek, got her food and left. Justin sat there thinking for a minute. He took a deep breath, nodded and started writing the check.
 

"What are you doing?" Michael asked as he came up to Justin's table. He grabbed the checkbook from Justin and looked at it. "What are you doing with this?"
 

"I'm paying bills."
 

"With Brian's money?"
 

"They're Brian's bills," Justin said with a raised eyebrow.
 

"And what gives you the right to write checks from Brian's account?" Michael asked angrily.
 

"Maybe this?" Justin held up the power of attorney paperwork. He kept all the legal documents he would need with him at all times. Michael looked it over, then looked at the check.
 

"This isn't one of his bills, this is your tuition."
 

"And?"
 

"And you're stealing money from Brian. Using his money to pay one of your bills."

Justin sighed heavily and handed over the tuition statement. It was addressed to Brian.

Michael looked at it, then looked at Justin. "This doesn't mean anything. You lived with Brian when you were together, and when you started school."
 

"What about this?" Justin handed over a copy of the document he and Brian had drawn up for his tuition. He could have been a boy scout since he was always prepared.

Michael read it over, then threw everything back down on the table. "I'm going to be keeping an eye on you."
 

"It's none of your business, Michael."
 

"He's my best friend, that makes it my business."
 

"You're just jealous that he put me in charge of everything and not you."
 

"Jealous?" Michael laughed.
 

"Yes, jealous," Justin answered. "That even though we're no longer together Brian trusts me more than he trusts you. And because Brian knew that no matter what I would meet every one of his obligations regardless. Tell me honestly, Michael, if you were in charge of his money, would you pay my tuition?"
 

"No, I wouldn't. I would tell you to fuck off."
 

"Do you know what that would do?"
 

"Make you drop out of school?" Michael asked sarcastically.
 

"No, it would make Brian break a legally binding contract in which case I could turn around and sue him for every last penny he had. But you wouldn't think about that, would you? You would only think about how YOU feel about ME and that would determine your actions. THAT is why Brian put me in charge instead of you. Because I know the difference between personal feelings and business."
 

"Fuck you," was the only response Michael could give before storming out. Debbie walked over and looked at Justin, the younger man certain he was going to get a tongue-lashing.
 

"You handled that pretty well," she said with a smile.
 

"What?"
 

"You're right about Michael. He wouldn't think about the consequences, he would just tell you to fuck off for revenge's sake. I helped talk Brian into keeping you in charge of everything. He was going to change it back to Michael, but we talked about it and agreed that would be a bad idea. Turns out we were right."
 

"Apparently," Justin said, looking down at the checkbook again.
 

"Go ahead and write it, honey. It's what Brian would want."
 

"Thanks, Deb," Justin said with a nod before finishing writing out the check.

*****

Justin was just walking in the door after seeing Brian. He was exhausted having to carry the entire conversation as well as keep from yelling at the older man. Brian was being selfish and cruel and Justin wanted to just scream at him about it, but he maintained his calm while he talked to him. Even though the hospital was at least three miles from his apartment, he always walked home so that he could work off the anger that built up from his visits.
 

"Where have you been?" Ethan asked, startling Justin.
 

"I worked late," he said quickly.
 

"Every night for the last two weeks?"
 

"Yeah, they've been really shorthanded lately."
 

"Really?"
 

"Yeah." Justin took off his coat and hung it up.
 

"You know, that's funny because I went to the diner tonight on the way home." Ethan said and Justin's entire body tensed.
 

"You did?"
 

"Yeah, I did. And.........not only were you not there tonight, but Debbie said you've been taking off early every night the last two weeks. So, what's going on, Justin?"
 

"Nothing is going on," Justin said.
 

"Are you cheating on me?"
"No, oh God, Ethan. No! Why would you think that?"
 

"I don't know, maybe because you cheated on Brian with me?"
 

"Ethan…"Justin sighed.
 

"Just tell me what's going on."
 

"Brian's in the hospital. Something happened and he's gone completely catatonic. He only reacts to me. The doctors think that I might be able to bring him back to reality if I visit him every day so I do. I talk about anything and everything including you. I tell him that he and I are just friends, but that I'll always be his friend because it's the truth. Nothing will make me stop caring about him, but that doesn't mean I don't love you."
 

"So you go to see Brian every day?"
 

"Yes, I go to see Brian every day."
 

"And he's totally out of it?"
 

"He's been involuntarily committed to the psych ward at Mercy," Justin answered.
 

"And you're just there as a friend to help him get better." It was said more than asked and Justin nodded. "Then why did you lie to me?"
 

"Because I didn't know how you would take it. I mean.......it's Brian." Justin ran his fingers through his hair. Ethan came over and pulled Justin into his arms.
 

"As much as I don't like the fact that it's Brian, I love the fact that you're willing to help him. It shows just how big your heart really is." He then gave Justin a tight hug. Justin forced a smile as he hugged back.
 

Justin had been visiting Brian for almost six months and it seemed there was no change. He'd still react a little when Justin would come, and it seemed that he still only reacted to Justin, but for the most part he was still catatonic.
 

"Hey, Brian," Justin said as he took a seat. He pulled his sketchpad and pencils out of his bag and set them on the table. Justin had been drawing Brian the entire time he'd come. He found the various expressions fascinating. Justin was seeing the real Brian in his smile, in the way he tilted his head, in every little movement and he wanted to record it on paper. Besides the fact that he wanted the proof to show the others.
 

"How you doing?" he asked as he looked at the older man. Brian gave him a small smile. "That's good. Oh, Debbie says hi. She said she won't be able to make it tomorrow after all because one of the waitresses got sick so she has to work." Justin noticed a frown appear on Brian's lips. "You like it when Debbie visits?" There was the slightest nod, almost imperceptible. "I'll have to tell her that." He and Brian shared a small smile.
 

They sat there at the table. Justin sketching and doing all the talking while Brian sat and watched. To Justin it looked like Brian was concentrating on what he was doing. His eyes followed every stroke of the pencil. He noticed that Brian's eyes were no longer completely blank, and he smiled to himself as he continued to sketch. After a while he stopped and looked at Brian.
 

"I've gotta pee. Think you'll be okay for a minute?" Brian gave him a small smile. Justin nodded and stood. He leaned across the table and kissed Brian's forehead, then went to use the restroom. When he left, Brian stared at the paper intensely. His eyes shifted from left to right, making sure no one was looking, then he reached out and slid the sketchbook and pencils over to his side of the table. He flipped to a clean page, grabbed a pencil and started drawing.
 

Brian was concentrating so hard on what he was doing that he didn’t notice Justin return from the restroom. The younger man stood back and watched Brian as he drew. The tip of his tongue was peeking out through his lips at the corner of his mouth. Brian's hand flew across the page as he drew something from memory. A smile spread across Justin's lips as he watched Brian. He never knew that Brian was any kind of an artist.
 

"That's really good," Justin said as he took a seat.

Brian jumped and almost dropped the pencil in an attempt to put it down quickly. He started to flip the page when Justin reached across and took the sketchbook from him. Justin's breath was taken away by what he saw. It was a drawing of himself from prom. He was wearing a tux with his hair just right, a beautiful smile on his face. He thought that must have been what Brian had seen when he walked in that night.
 

"You think?" Brian asked softly and Justin jumped. He looked at Brian a minute.
 

"What?"
 

"Do you really think it's good?"
 

"Brian......it's beautiful."

Brian actually blushed. "Thanks. I've been wanting to do it for a while but I was afraid you'd laugh at me."
 

"I'd never laugh at you, Brian." Justin reached across the table and took Brian's hand. Brian smiled.
 

"Thanks."
 

"Anytime, Bri." They sat there in silence for a minute, then Justin looked at the sketchpad again. "Brian......do you know who this is?" Justin hated to ask for fear of offending Brian, but he had to know.
 

"That's Justin," Brian said, his expression turning sad. Justin simply nodded. He was looking at the drawing and didn't see Brian's change in expression. Justin looked at his watch.
 

"I've got to go, Brian. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"
 

"Okay." Brian smiled. Justin came over and kissed his cheek.
 

"Thanks for coming back to us."
 

"Thanks for giving me a reason." They exchanged another smile before Justin left.
 

When Justin came into the hospital the next day, Dr. Myers stopped him.
 

"What is it?" Justin asked.
 

"We have a problem," Dr. Myers said.
 

"What do you mean?"
 

"I think it would be easier to explain if you saw it for yourself. Do you still have that sketch Brian did?"
 

"Yes," Justin said.
 

"When you go in there, ask him about the sketch," Dr. Myers instructed. Justin gave him a curious look but did as instructed.
 

"Hey, Brian," Justin said with a smile. Brian smiled back and hugged him quickly, kissing his cheek before sitting down across the table from him.
 

"Hi." Brian smiled.

Justin pulled something out of his bag and set it on the table. It was a sketchpad and a box of pencils. "I got something for you," Justin said as he slid them across the table. Brian just looked at them.
 

"I'm not allowed to have those" he said.
 

"Why not?" Justin looked confused.
 

"I could use them to hurt myself," he said softly, looking away from Justin. Justin nodded in understanding.
 

"Brian........do you want to hurt yourself?" he asked. Brian shook his head. "If Dr. Myers says it's okay, will you take them?" he asked.
 

"Yeah," Brian said. Justin got the attention of Dr. Myers and the man walked over.
 

"What can I do for you?"
 

"I'd like to give these pencils and sketch pad to Brian and we'd like to know if that's okay. Brian says he can't have them because he could use them to hurt himself."
 

"Brian, do you want to hurt yourself?" Dr Myers asked.
 

"No, I don't," Brian said honestly.
 

"Well, I guess it's okay. But I think that we'll keep them in a cabinet in the office and you can have them when you're in the day room, okay?"
 

"So I can have them?" Brian asked with a smile and Dr. Myers nodded. Justin stood and whispered in the doctor's ear.
 

"There's no way he can keep them in his room with him?"
 

"I'm afraid not. The risk is too high, even with him saying he doesn't want to hurt himself, we can't take that chance," Dr Myers responded. Justin simply nodded and took a seat. While he talked to the doctor, Brian pulled out the pencils and started sketching. Justin simply sat there and watched. He was drawing yet another picture of Justin. This one was of the boy nude on his bed. Justin smirked.
 

"You like to draw Justin, hmmm?" he asked. Brian nodded, though a frown appeared. "What is it?"
 

"I don't want to talk about it," Brian said with a sniffle. Justin knew that something was really wrong because he saw a tear hit the paper.
 

"Brian....what's wrong?" He reached out and touched the man's shoulder. Brian looked up at him.
 

"I miss him." He indicated the paper.
 

"You.....miss Justin?" the younger man asked. Brian nodded. "What...happened to him?" Brian looked down a minute, refusing to meet Justin's gaze.
 

"He died," Brian said softly, wiping his nose on the back of his sleeve.
 

"How?" Justin asked with a raised eyebrow.
 

"He....um.....he got......" Tears started rolling down Brian's cheeks and his whole body started to shake. Justin came around and hugged Brian tight. The older man rested his head on Justin's shoulder and started to cry. Justin simply held him, not sure what to do. That's when a thought occurred to him. So far both of the pictures that Brian had drawn of Justin were before the bashing.
 

"Brian......was he the boy that got hit in the head with a baseball bat at his prom?" he asked. Brian nodded, still holding onto him tight. "And it killed him?" Justin asked. Once again Brian nodded, suddenly crying harder. "I'm so sorry," Justin said.

It was at that moment that he realized what the problem Dr Myers mentioned was. Rather than facing the reality of him leaving for Ethan, Brian made it up in his mind that the bashing killed Justin.
 

"I never told him I love him," Brian whispered between sobs. Justin was taken aback. The fact that Brian would say this to someone he thought was a virtual stranger amazed him.
 

"I'm sure he knew," Justin said softly as he held Brian. The older man simply nodded.

*****

It had been a week since Brian was no longer catatonic and people kept coming to see him. His first visitor of the day was Emmett. He came in carrying what looked like a duffel bag. Brain smiled and stood, hugging Emmett warmly. Emmett had to remind himself that Brian still wasn't the old Brian. Justin told everyone about the fact that Brian thought that Justin died the night of the prom. They all wondered if he would ever be back to normal.
 

"Well, aren't you looking lovely?" Emmett said as he took a seat.
 

"That's bullshit and you know it," Brian said with a smirk and Emmett laughed.
 

"Too true, Brian. But.......Emmett to the rescue." He started pulling items out of the bag. He had a comb and a brush and a mirror. He also pulled out a wrapped package that looked like a shirt box. He looked at Brian. "I brought some stuff to cut your hair but they wouldn't let me bring it in," he said sadly.
 

"That's okay. I like it like this." Brian smiled. Emmett stood and came around, brushing and combing Brian's hair into place, making it look fantastic.

"What's that?" Brian pointed to the box.
 

"That is something that I think you will like a lot more than those hospital issue pajamas you're wearing," he said as he slid the box closer to Brian.

Brian unwrapped it and smiled. Inside was a pair of burgundy silk pajamas with his initials embroidered on the pocket. He ran his hand over the soft material, then smiled up at Emmett. "Thanks."
 

"You're welcome sweetie." Emmett smiled. Brian looked at him a minute. "What is it?"
 

"Why didn't you come?" Brian asked, suddenly sad.
 

"What?" Emmett was a little confused.
 

"Why didn't you come? After that first visit, you stopped coming."
 

"Oh.....um.......well," Emmett started, then he sighed and just decided to tell Brian the truth. "Honey, I just couldn't stand to see you like that. If I’d known that you knew I was there I certainly would have endured it, but you just...I missed seeing the life in you. I'm sorry." Emmett reached across the table and took Brian's hand, squeezing gently.
 

"I missed you," Brian admitted and Emmett was floored.
 

"Really?"
 

"Yeah. I mean.......you aren't always nice to me, but you're always honest. And.....you make me smile. You're always so cheerful no matter what the situation. Well, except when George died, but that was different. You try to see the bright side of everything and it always makes me feel better." He looked up at Emmett and smiled. Emmett had unshed tears forming in his eyes.
 

"Well, Brian, I'm glad I can make you feel better," he said. Brian just smiled. Then he seemed to brighten even further.
 

"Oh, did you see what Justin brought me?" he asked. Justin told them that Brian thought he was someone who just happened to have the same name as his lost love. His brain wasn't functioning to connect that they were the same person.
 

"No, honey. I didn't." Emmett was confused. Brian called Max over.
 

"Max, can you get my stuff?" he asked. Max nodded.
 

"Sure, Bri. Just a second." Max then left. After a minute he came back with the pencils and sketchbook.

Brian slid them across the table to Emmett. "I've been drawing a lot. Justin said when I fill up that sketch book he'll bring me another one." Emmett flipped through the book and saw drawing after drawing of Justin. They were all before the bashing. He smiled at the sight of Justin on the stage for the king of Babylon contest. He saw some things in the book that Emmett was amazed Brian remembered. He blushed slightly when he got to some rather erotic pictures as well.
 

"These are very good, Brian. I didn't know you could draw," he said.
 

"I started out in the art department at Ryder. Though I had a marketing degree. It was the only place they had an opening and I was good enough so......."
 

"Yet another tidbit about you I didn't know." Emmett smiled.
 

"There's a lot most people don't know," Brian said with a slight frown.

Emmett continued to look through the pictures and couldn't mistake the love that went into each one. The expressions on each face showed complete happiness. Emmett stopped when he got to a drawing of Brian and Justin dancing at the prom. He'd never seen anything more beautiful in his life. The only way to describe Brian in that picture was smitten. Justin had his heart; there was no way to deny it.
 

"These are beautiful, Brian," he said as tears started coming to his eyes. He wiped them and noticed that Max was coming over. "I'm afraid it's time for me to go, honey."
 

"You'll come back, right?" Brian asked hopefully. Emmett smiled.
 

"Of course I will, Brian. Just try and stop me." They both stood and once again exchanged a hug. Emmett kissed Brian's cheek and started to head out. His next stop was the diner to talk to Justin.
 

Emmett walked into the diner and smiled when he saw Justin was at work. He made sure to take a seat in Justin's section. The blond was busy with other customers at the moment so Emmett just sat there waiting patiently. After a few minutes Justin came over.
 

"Hey, Emmett," Justin said.
 

"Justin, do you have a minute?" Emmett asked. Justin looked over at Deb.
 

"I'm taking my break," he said and she nodded, then he sat across from Emmett. "What's up?"
 

"Honey, I just came back from seeing Brian," Emmett said.
 

"Is he okay?" Justin asked, suddenly concerned.
 

"He's fine, sweetie. Or at least as fine as he can be, given the circumstances. Anyway, honey........I've seen the pictures that he's drawn. It's amazing. He's a wonderful artist. I'd say probably as good as you. But honey, you should see the emotion that went into those drawings. If you ever doubted that he loves you, you won't once you see them. I mean it, Justin. His heart is yours, no questions asked." Emmett looked at Justin and the blond sighed heavily.
 

"If he loves me so much, why didn't he act like it? Why didn't he say it?"
 

"Brian's parents seriously screwed him up, Justin. I've never met them but I know what Debbie’s told me. It's hard to know what love is when you've never felt it before."

Justin sighed and nodded. "I gotta get back to work," he said, then stood and started to walk away.

Emmett grabbed his hand. "Justin, whether you believe it or not, Brian does love you, more than you know." Emmett let go of his hand. Justin looked at him a minute, then just nodded and walked off.

*****

About a month later, when Justin got home from work, he noticed a couple of suitcases by the door. He also noticed that his computer was packed up and it seemed the small apartment he shared with Ethan was devoid of any of his things. Ethan was sitting on the couch and Justin moved over to sit next to him.
 

"What's going on?" Justin asked.
 

"You're moving out," Ethan said.
 

"Why?"
 

"Because I can't take this anymore. You going to see Brian everyday. I just can't take it. I mean......you spend more time with him than you do with me. You're rarely home because of work and school and Brian. I'm sick of it. You want to be with him, go be with him. I can't do this."
 

"You're breaking up with me?" Justin asked.
 

"Yes, I'm breaking up with you," Ethan replied.
 

"That is such a load of shit!" Justin said, standing. "You're kicking me out because of the fact that a very good friend needs my help and I'm giving it to him?"
 

"Brian's no longer catatonic. He doesn't need your help anymore," Ethan said, looking at him.
 

"Ethan, I've told you what's going on. He thinks that I died at the prom. His brain isn't even connecting the fact that the pre-bashing Justin and I are the same person. He still needs my help because he hasn't come back to reality yet."
 

"That's what doctors and drugs are for." Ethan crossed his arms over his chest.
 

"I can't believe you're being so cruel! How could you just sit there and say that the doctors and the drugs are what can fix him?"
 

"I don't give a shit about Brian. He's not my problem," Ethan said.

Justin glared at him a minute. "You know what? I think leaving is a good idea. You're a heartless bastard. And given how well I know Brian, I would take that as a serious insult." He then gathered up his things and left.

Justin wasn't sure where he was going to stay until he looked at the keys on his ring. He sighed and went to the loft, lying down in the middle of the bed that had gone untouched for so long. Even though the sheets had been washed since then and Brian had not been in them, Justin could still smell the older man on the pillow. He closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep, dreaming about Brian.
 

When Justin came to visit Brian the next day, he didn't look good at all. He hadn't slept very well. He had circles under his eyes and it was obvious to anyone that he wasn't feeling well. Brian was already at one of the tables, busily drawing away in the third sketchbook since Justin had first given him the pencils. He looked up when Justin took a seat.
 

"What's wrong?" Brian asked, his voice filled with concern.
 

"I didn't sleep very well last night," Justin answered, resting his head on the table.
 

"What happened?" Brian questioned. He watched Justin for a minute. The younger man contemplated not telling Brian what happened, but he felt no need to lie to him.
 

"My boyfriend and I broke up last night and I had to move out."
 

"Oh. I'm so sorry to hear that," Brian said sincerely. "Do you have a place to stay?"
 

"Yeah, for now. An old friend of mine is letting me stay at his place," Justin answered.
 

"That's good. I really am sorry you broke up," Brian said as he went back to drawing.
 

"Can I see those?" Justin asked. Brian looked up at him for a minute. He had the other two sketchbooks sitting there with him so he slid the two full ones over to the blond, then went back to drawing.

Justin started to look through the book and he was totally amazed. The depth of the emotion he saw in each drawing overwhelmed him and tears started to roll down his cheeks.
 

"Are you okay?" Brian asked, once again concerned.
 

"I'm fine," Justin said, wiping his eyes. "Justin was a very lucky young man. You loved him very much."
 

"Yeah," Brian said with a sigh. Justin came over and kissed his cheek.
 

"Thank you," Justin said. Brian looked at him, confused for a minute. "For being a good friend." Justin smiled and Brian smiled back.

*****

It had been a year and there was little change in Brian. He'd filled countless sketchbooks with his drawings, only the first five or six being filled with drawings of himself and Justin. Michael had come to visit him several times, only to have Brian refuse to meet his gaze and almost withdraw completely when the shorter man was around. After the third time this happened, he'd stopped coming altogether.
 

One of the sketchbooks was filled with drawings of Brian and Michael. In all of them Michael looked either hurt, or angry, or had a snide or sarcastic expression. The doctors figured out from the beginning that Brian was using the drawings to relay his feelings about specific people. They noticed a theme in that everyone was drawn with happy and loving expressions, except for Michael.
 

Everyone tried to talk to Brian about his feelings for Michael, but he only explained that Michael didn't like Justin. It seemed that Brian was remembering all the times that Michael tried to get rid of Justin and wasn't remembering any of the good things that happened between the two friends. Once that was figured out, everyone stopped asking.
 

Justin came in earlier than his normal time because he hadn't had to work as he'd thought he would. He took a seat and waited for Brian to come in. By this time they’d allowed Brian to start wearing actual clothes. He was wearing jeans and a t-shirt with no socks or shoes. His hair was a little shaggy, but not very long, and he was clean-shaven. Justin smiled as he stood and they came together in a hug.
 

"Hey," Brian said, returning the blond’s smile.
 

"Hey," Justin said as they both took a seat. Justin knew that today was the anniversary of the prom and the doctors thought it might be a problem for Brian, but so far it seemed as if he didn't notice.
 

"What's up?" Brian asked.
 

"I didn't have to work so I thought I'd come early," Justin answered.
 

"I got some knew sketches, wanna see?" Brian asked excitedly. It was almost like he was a child trying to impress his mentor or something. Justin simply nodded and Max came over with the sketchbooks. Justin noticed several sketches of Joan and Claire in this one.
 

"Did they come see you?" Justin asked, holding up one of the sketches of the two women together. Brian nodded and frowned. "I take it that didn't go very well."
 

"They hate me," Brian said with a sigh.
 

"I'm sure they don't hate you," Justin said.
 

"Claire thinks I'm faking just to get attention." Brian rolled his eyes. "She's such a cunt." Justin laughed.
 

"You've said that about her ever since we first met," he said.
 

"It's true." Brian ran his fingers through his hair. They were silent for a minute, then Brian looked at Justin.
 

"You okay?" the blond asked.
 

"Yeah, just thinking," Brian said.
 

"About what?"
 

"About how good you've been to me. You didn't have to come see me every day, but you did. I even broke up your relationship and you kept coming anyway."
 

"Brian, you didn't......."
 

"Don't tell me I didn't. I know I did. And don't ask me how, I just know. Coming here to see me every day can't have been easy on you and I really appreciate that you're doing it," Brian said with a smile.
 

"I don't mind at all, Brian. I like seeing you. You're a really great guy and I love talking to you." Justin smiled in return.

"Thanks." Once again they sat there in silence.
 

"Oh, my mom's got a boyfriend," Justin said. He made a face and Brian laughed.
 

"I'm glad. She seemed really lonely the couple of times she stopped by."
 

"She came to see you?" Justin was amazed.
 

"Yeah. Just a couple of times though. She's really nice. You're lucky."
 

"I've figured that out," Justin answered. They sat there talking for several minutes before Justin looked at his watch. "Well, Brian. I have to get going. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" They both stood.
 

"Okay." Brian kissed Justin's cheek. "Later."
 

"Later," Justin said. He then walked away. When he was several feet away from Brian he turned and smiled at the older man over his shoulder. Brian looked at Justin, then froze. He closed his eyes and his whole body started to shake. Justin came back over quickly. "Brian?" he asked. The older man simply stood there. He saw in his mind, Justin turning and smiling. Hobbs coming out of the shadows, swinging the bat. His knees buckled and Justin almost fell over as he helped Brian into the chair. Dr. Myers came running over as well. They were both calling his name, but Brian wasn't responding.
 

"I'm afraid he's reverting," Dr. Myers said.
 

"You mean, we're going to have to start all over again?" Justin asked worriedly.
 

"All I know is that it seems he's having a flashback," Dr. Myers told Justin. They looked at Brian for a minute. Justin held tight to the older man's hand. After a few minutes, Brian opened his eyes and looked at Justin.
 

"Justin......" he said and the blond nodded. Brian threw his arms around the younger man's neck, pulling him close. "You're okay," he said as he held on tight.
 

"Brian......." Both Justin and Dr. Myers were confused.
 

"You're okay," Brian said again. He continued to repeat it over and over again. Dr. Myers got an idea. He looked at Brian.
 

"Brian......do you know who this is?" he asked.

Brian looked at him a minute, then moved back a little and looked at Justin, then looked at the doctor. "This is Justin," he said.

Dr. Myers nodded, then grabbed one of the sketchbooks. He opened to one of the pre prom drawings of Justin and held it up. "And who is this?"
 

"That's Justin," Brian answered, a little confused.
 

"Okay, now Brian. You're going to think I'm a little strange for asking this, but I’m going to ask it. Are they the same person?" Dr. Myers asked expectantly.

Justin held his breath as he waited for the answer. Brian looked between the sketchbook and Justin, then back at the doctor.
 

"Yeah," he said. He looked at Dr. Myers like he was insane. Both Dr. Myers and Justin laughed. "What?" Brian asked.
 

"Brian, for the last two years you thought that the Justin in this drawing and the Justin sitting right here in front of you were two different Justin's. Your brain decided that Justin was killed at his prom."
 

"Really?" Brian asked, running his fingers through his hair.
 

"Really," Justin said.
 

"Oh," Brian said with a sigh.
 

"We'll have to run some tests but it appears you've recovered, Brian. If all goes will with the tests, you can go home."
 

"That's great," Justin said.
 

"Yeah, that's great." Brian sounded less than enthusiastic. Justin noticed but apparently Dr. Myers did not.
 

"I'll go get everything set up," he said and then walked off.
 

"Brian, what's wrong?" Justin asked.
 

"Like I really want to go home to an empty loft." He looked away from the blond. Apparently Brian didn't remember some of what had happened while he was out of it.
 

"Brian........Ethan and I broke up almost a year ago. I've been living at the loft this whole time."
 

"You have?" Brian asked. When Justin nodded, he smiled slightly. He reached up and put his hands on either side of Justin's head. "Promise me something."
 

"Anything," Justin said.
 

"Don't ever leave me again," Brian said.
 

"I promise," Justin answered and they came together in a passionate kiss.

One week later, Brian was released from the hospital and sent home. Justin prepared a wonderful dinner to celebrate the older man's return. As they sat down to eat, Brian looked at Justin a minute.
 

"There's something I've wanted to tell you for a while, Justin, and I was just too stubborn to," Brian said.
 

"Oh?" Justin asked.

Brian took a deep breath and let it out slowly, then looked Justin in the eye. "I love you," he said.

Justin smiled his beautiful sunshine smile, unshed tears forming in his eyes. "I love you too, Brian."
 

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