It Doesn't Mean I Don't Love You

Author's Note: Based on the McHayes song by the same name.

When I walk out on our war

The last shot fired is a slamming door

And I can’t take it anymore

And just take a drive

When the words that I just spoke

Ran straight for your throat

When I should hold you but I don’t

And just turn out the light

It doesn’t mean I’m gone

It doesn’t mean I’m giving up on us

It doesn’t mean our love doesn’t mean everything

Because it does

It doesn’t mean I’m gone

Even when I do the things that I hate that I do

It doesn’t mean I don’t love you

When the words you need don’t cross my lips

When I forget a good-bye kiss

When you feel last on my list for the hundredth time

When I’m out late with all my friends

Lose track of time and don’t check in

When I’m wrong and know I am and don’t apologize.

It doesn’t mean I’m gone

It doesn’t mean I’m giving up on us

It doesn’t mean our love doesn’t mean everything

Because it does

It doesn’t mean I’m gone

Even when I do the things that I hate that I do

It doesn’t mean I don’t love you

More than you’ll ever know

More than I’ve let it show

Me being me can be hard on us both.

It doesn’t mean I’m gone

Even when I do the things that I hate that I do

It doesn’t mean I don’t love you

It doesn’t mean I don’t love you.

Because baby I love you.

When Brian woke up that morning, he smiled because he actually remembered what day it was. He hadn’t smiled that much in a while, but he couldn’t keep the grin off his face as he got up to get ready for work. Today meant that it was exactly five years ago that he and Justin had gotten back together.

He was amazed at how much things had changed in that amount of time. Emmett moved to New York with his party planning business. He’d been distraught over Ted’s sudden disappearance, but he’d managed to move on. Vic had gone with him as head chef, even opening a restaurant that was very successful. Everyone came from miles around, even coming from other countries just to try Vic’s cuisine.

Rage had gotten so successful that Warner Brothers wanted to add a Rage cartoon to their lineup. They actually had two different versions of the cartoon. One, which was drastically edited, for the kids and one that aired on Showtime late at night that was true to form for Rage. Mikey and Ben moved to LA two years ago to supervise production.

Debbie was still waitressing at the diner, though Vic had earned enough money with his restaurant to buy the diner for Deb so she worked when she wanted. Even though she didn’t need to, Deb worked as much as she used to, saying she couldn’t stop if she wanted to.

Justin graduated from PIFA with honors and landed a job with one of the top graphic arts agencies in Pittsburgh. He managed almost overnight success in the field, being moved up to assistant art director in a matter of a year. He was making six digits a year and was in high demand. He was constantly getting calls from other agencies trying to steal him away. It seemed that everyone managed success. Everyone except Brian.

In the years since he’d been fired from Vanguard, the best he’d been able to get was a lower level exec job with one of the lesser-known agencies. He’d helped get the agency up to almost the same level as Vanguard, but the owners were homophobic assholes that stole all the credit and kept Brian where he was. If it weren’t for the fact that he’d been rejected by every other agency in the state of Pennsylvania, and two in New York, Brian would have quit a long time ago. He was making not quite half of what Justin was making.

Even with everything that happened, Brian was looking forward to a great day. He had plans with Justin that night at the best French restaurant in town. He’d managed to get a gift for Justin that he knew the younger man would love. And he knew what the plans for the evening would include. Considering that they’d been monogamous for almost two years and both had just recently tested negative, he knew that Justin would bring up the subject of their use of condoms and he was prepared to throw out every last one.

He got up before the alarm and started to make breakfast. Smiling when he saw Justin move from the bedroom to the bathroom. The younger man showered quickly, got dressed and headed into the living room. He grabbed a piece of toast and a cup of coffee, sipping and nibbling as he finished getting dressed. Once the toast was done, he grabbed his briefcase, finished off his coffee and put the mug in the sink, then headed out the door with only a “later” thrown over his shoulder.

It was the first time in as long as Brian could remember that he didn’t at least get a kiss on the cheek before the blond walked out the door. He just figured that maybe Justin was late and tried to shrug it off, but he couldn’t get past the fact that it was their anniversary and Justin was acting like it was a regular day. He laughed and shook his head. 'When did you get to be the sappy one?' he asked himself as he went to get dressed.

“Sorry I’m late,” Brian said as he came into the loft after work. He’d been stuck late in a meeting with a client. He knew that they had only about a half an hour until their reservations. He went into the bedroom and started to get undressed so he could shower quickly when he stopped. “Justin?” he called as he looked around. The blond was nowhere to be found. Brian thought that maybe he was just running late as well.

He showered quickly and changed into his black silk/wool blend sweater that Justin had deemed his “Fuck me” sweater and a pair of charcoal pants, making sure that his hair was just right. In the year since his thirty-fifth birthday Brian began to wear glasses, though he had about five different pairs that he would select from depending on his outfit. Tonight he decided on the gold wire framed glasses and went into the living room and took a seat on the couch to wait for Justin.

Which is exactly where he was when the blond finally came into the loft at about a quarter to midnight. Brian had his arms crossed over his chest, the ankle of his left leg resting on his right knee as he stared straight ahead. It was obvious that he was angry by the vein pulsing at his brow. Justin stopped when he saw the back of Brian’s head over the top of the couch.

“Shit,” he said quietly as he moved into the loft and shut the door. Brian remained where he was, wanting the blond to come to him. When Justin came into view, Brian could tell he’d been drinking. If looks could kill, Justin would have dropped dead on the spot.

“Forget something?” Brian asked, his tone cold.

“Brian, I’m sorry, I just…”

“Don’t,” Brian said as he stood. He moved around to the other side of the couch and glared at Justin. “What’s your excuse this time?”

“This time?”

“You’ve bailed the last three times we made plans together. So, what’s your excuse this time?”

“I got a promotion at work. They made me art director. I went out with some of the guys to celebrate. I lost track of time, Brian. I’m sorry.”

“You say that every fucking time!” Brian yelled. Justin was taken back by the brunet’s sudden show of emotion. “I lost track of time, I’m sorry. Christ, Justin! That’s why you wear a fucking watch!” Brian started to pace, his anger getting the best of him.

“I’ll make it up to you tomorrow night…..” Justin started.

“Tomorrow night won’t be our anniversary,” Brian said. He stopped pacing and looked at Justin. He couldn’t believe what he was feeling. In all his years Brian never thought that he would feel neglected and unappreciated. He started to understand exactly how Justin had felt just five years ago. Now that he knew what it was like he could understand why Justin left.

"Brian, I work late, you know that.”

“You’re always working late,” he said softly.

“Brian….”

“No. Just forget it. Forget that I had to make the reservations for tonight three months in advance. Forget the fact that while you were out drinking with your friends I was sitting here wondering if you were okay. If something had happened……if you had met someone…..” Brian looked away at that moment. He couldn’t meet Justin’s eyes.

“Brian, I wouldn’t do that,” Justin said.

“How am I supposed to know that? You did it once, why wouldn’t you do it again?” His words were meant to strike Justin right to the heart and he succeeded.

“Are you ever going to forgive me for that?” Justin asked angrily.

“You spend all of your time working late or out with your friends. How am I supposed to know what’s going on, Justin? How am I supposed to know you haven’t found another Ethan?” Brian had to try hard to keep his emotions in check.

“You know what? Fuck this,” Justin said as he stormed out of the loft, slamming the door behind him. He couldn’t believe that Brian would accuse him of cheating on him, especially after he hadn’t even so much as tricked in all the time that they’d been back together. Brian was the one tricking. Brian was the only one that had to work to commit to monogamy. And here he was accusing Justin of cheating? The blond scoffed as he went down and got into his car, taking off.

Brian sat down on the couch again, sighing heavily. He knew that what he’d said was a low blow, but in the last year or so he’d started sharing his feelings with Justin and he had to let him know that was what he thought. He sat there staring straight ahead. As he sat there, he thought about the real reasons he’d said what he did. He closed his eyes and sighed heavily when he realized that it was jealousy.

Justin was very successful at his job. He had a lot of friends that he hung out with on a regular basis. He did try to include Brian, but the older man felt out of place with all these kids that were no less than ten years younger than he was. All of his friends were gone, having moved on with their lives. He felt like everyone else was moving ahead and he was sitting still and going nowhere. He didn’t even understand why Justin was still with him. He felt like he was simply holding the blond back.

Though Justin never told him, Brian knew that he turned down a job in New York simply because he didn’t want to leave Brian behind. He was keeping Justin from being just as successful as someone with his talent should be and it just felt awful. Then there was the fact that he saw Justin for maybe a total of about six hours a week, if you didn’t count the time that they were asleep. Their sex life was practically nonexistent because of Justin’s schedule. That was part of what caused Brian to suspect Justin was cheating. If he was getting it elsewhere he certainly wouldn’t need it from Brian.

He got up and moved into the bedroom, finding one of Justin’s sketchbooks in the middle of the bed. He lay down on the bed and started to flip through the sketchbook. It was filled with various sketches of the two of them together. In every single one of the sketches he saw love and happiness. A lot of them were recent sketches of various things they’d done together. Taking Gus to the park on a Saturday afternoon, sitting snuggled up on the couch watching an old movie together, even just having a meal together. Those moments were few and far between lately, and would probably get even fewer with Justin’s promotion, but they were still there.

He sighed heavily as he thought about what he’d said to Justin. While it was true he felt neglected, he couldn’t blame Justin for all of it. And he knew that after what happened the first time Justin wouldn’t cheat again. They’d both been way too miserable apart to even think about that happening again. He ran his fingers through his hair and stared at the ceiling, thinking about what he was going to do about it.

As Justin drove through the streets he thought about everything that happened in the loft. He started trying to see Brian’s point of view and he sighed when he realized that he knew exactly how the older man was feeling. It was the same way that he’d felt all those years ago. It was the reason he’d left Brian for Ethan to begin with. He felt neglected and unappreciated and he wanted someone that would give him everything that Brian wouldn’t.

And now the coin was reversed. He thought about the fact that Brian had to be feeling at least a little inadequate. When they’d first gotten together, Brian was the provider and the protector. He was the one that made the most money. He took care of Justin. And now the best he could do was a job that was nowhere near the level he’d had before he was fired. Justin was the one taking care of him and he was certain that Brian didn’t like that one bit.

Add to that the time that Justin spent at the office. The time that Justin spent with his friends while Brian sat at home. He hated the fact that all of Brian’s friends had moved out of Pittsburgh and the older man didn’t really have anyone that he could hang out with. That was the chief problem. Most of the time, if Justin wasn’t around, Brian was left sitting alone at the loft. He had nothing but his imagination to keep him company and Justin knew the things that Brian’s imagination could come up with. He sighed and turned the car around, heading back to the loft.

Brian made a decision and got up, grabbed his jacket and started heading down to his car to go look for Justin. They weren’t going to solve this problem by staying apart and not talking about it. They had to sit down and figure out how things were going to work out. Brian had to learn to accept Justin’s job just as the blond had been forced to do back when Brian made partner. Just as he reached the bottom step, Justin walked into the building. They stood there staring at each other for a minute.

“I’m sorry,” Brian said softly after a few minutes.

“I’m sorry, too,” Justin said just as softly. They came together in an embrace, Brian resting his head on Justin’s shoulder. Justin reached up and ran his fingers through Brian’s hair. After a couple of minutes, they came apart just enough to move into the elevator. When it reached the top floor, they moved into the loft and sat down on the couch, still holding hands. Justin looked at Brian. “Brian….I want you to understand that I’m not going anywhere. I love you so much…I could never leave you. And I certainly wouldn’t cheat on you again. That was a mistake that I learned from and I'm very sorry.”

“I know. I shouldn’t have brought it up. I just…..I’m starting to understand why you left. Not that I’m going to leave. I don’t think I could function without you in my life. I just…….this is all based on jealousy, Justin. I can’t stand that you’re doing better than I am. That everyone is doing better than I am. And I know about that job in New York that you turned down. I’m only holding you back…..” Brian sniffled as tears rolled down his cheeks.

“Baby….I didn’t take the job in New York because I didn’t like the company standards. They would only take me if I led the clients to believe I was straight. I didn’t turn down the job because of you. And, Brian, if anything you’re driving me to succeed. You could never hold me back.” He reached up and put his hands on the other man’s cheeks. “I’m sorry that you feel like you’re holding me back, and I’m sorry that you don’t feel like you’re good enough for me. You’re more than good enough for me. I wouldn’t be with you if I thought otherwise, Brian. I love you for who you are no matter what. Even if you were flipping burgers at MacDonald’s I would still love you.”

“I love you too,” Brian said softly before pressing his lips to Justin’s. They held the kiss for several seconds before coming apart and looking into each other’s eyes. Brian stood and took Justin’s hand, leading him to the bedroom. They both undressed and got into bed. The rest of the night was spent in each other’s arms. They simply enjoyed the love they shared, holding and kissing and caressing. There was no need for sex. They drifted off to sleep understanding that neither of them was going anywhere.

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