Not the Doctor

2000

It’s really amazing how things can come back to you at the strangest times. I was once again sitting with Lindsay and for some reason she was listening to Alanis again. I figured something must have happened with Melanie because she only listens to Alanis when she’s brooding and angry. Or when she’s trying to annoy me. She has, however, managed to find much more interesting ways to do that as of late.

During a lull in the conversation a song started playing that made me think of Justin. It really pissed me off. No, the song wasn’t very flattering at all. It made me think of all the ways that he annoys the hell out of me. I was just mad that the little shit managed to work his way in enough to have a song get me thinking about him. Fucking annoying as hell.

I don’t want to be the filler if the void is solely yours

I don’t want to be your glass of single malt whiskey hidden in the bottom drawer

I don’t want to be a bandage if the wound is not mine

Lend me some fresh air

That statement said it all right there. If I’m not at work then Justin finds a way to be wherever I am. I’m surprised he hasn’t tracked me down at work yet. Cynthia would just love him, I’m sure. I can’t turn around without running into blonde hair and blue eyes. Babylon, Woody’s, the diner…. yes, I admit that the diner was my idea but the little asshole needs to pay me back for the seven hundred dollars he racked up on my credit card. I just want some space away from him other than being at work. I’ve even taken to volunteering for business trips just to get away from him.

I don’t want to be adored for what I merely represent to you

I don’t want to be your babysitter you’re a very big boy now

I don’t want to be your mother I didn’t carry you in my womb for nine months

Show me the back door

I really wish that people would stop telling me that Justin is my responsibility. He’s fucking eighteen for Christ’s sake. He’s legally an adult. Yet everyone keeps acting like I need to take care of him and coddle him. If I do that he’ll never make it in the real world. He needs to know what it’s like to be treated like shit now so he can handle it when he’s really on his own. Who better to train him for the harshness that is adulthood than a world-renowned asshole?

Visiting hours are nine to five and if I show up at ten past six

Well I already know that you’ll find some way to sneak me in and oh

Mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom

You see it’s too much to ask for and I am not the doctor

The main problem with this kid is that he’ll do anything I ask trying to get in my favor. Little fucker needs to learn not to let people take advantage of him. I keep treating him like shit and he keeps taking it in the hopes that I’ll love him. Problem with that is that I don’t believe in love. I’ve told him that countless times but he just won’t fucking listen. I’ve actually been trying to think of something I could do that’s so horrible that he’ll go away and leave me alone forever. Problem is I haven’t been able to manage it yet. He says he’s onto me and I’m starting to believe him. If he weren’t such a great fuck I wouldn’t keep him around, though. Virgin ass is definitely the best. The fact that my dick is the only one that’s been up his ass makes it better. A nice fit every time…what the fuck am I thinking? I’m trying to think of ways to get rid of this kid, not think of reasons to keep him around.

I don’t want to be the sweeper of the eggshells that you walk upon

I don’t want to be your other half I believe that one and one makes two

I don’t want to be your food or the light from the fridge on your face at midnight

Hey what are you hungry for?  

I hate having to watch what I say around people. Especially stupid little twinks that won’t get the hint to go the fuck away. Drama Princess definitely applies to this particular twink. The little shit will cry at the drop of a hate if you say the wrong thing. Of course he’ll play it off as allergies most of the time which is really fucking pathetic if you ask me. I guess part of me gets a sick satisfaction out of making him cry. The more I hurt him, the more likely he’ll eventually get tired of getting hurt and go away, right? Of course with my luck it’ll probably just make him more persistent. Then there’s this whole boyfriend bullshit. I have never been nor will I ever be someone’s boyfriend. Especially not someone that’s only a couple of years older than my older nephew. Okay, so Justin is more like nine years older than John, but still. That’s not the point.

I don’t want to be the glue that holds your pieces together

I don’t want to be your idol see this pedestal is high and I’m afraid of heights

I don’t want to be lived through a vicarious occasion

Please open the window

I hate the way this kid fucking idolizes me. Okay, I’ll be honest. I don’t really hate it. I don’t like it either, though. It’s like according to him I can do no wrong. St Brian come to save his heart from a life time of lovelessness. Bull fucking shit. I am here to provide nothing more than a dick up his ass. I am a walking dildo as far as I’m concerned when it comes to him. When it comes to anybody really. But that’s a topic for another discussion. What pisses me off even more is that he keeps going to Mikey and Mikey keeps telling him shit. It’s like they’re suddenly best friends or something. From what I understand Mikey keeps telling Justin to go away. He keeps telling the twink that I will never love him and to find someone else. The fucking little prick keeps doing what everybody else does with Mikey’s advice and ignoring it. Piece of shit needs to start listening or I might be forced to do something truly horrible.

I don’t want to live on someday when my motto is last week

I don’t want to be responsible for your fractured heart and its wounded beat

I don’t want to be a substitute for the smoke you’ve been inhaling

What do you thank me…

What do you thank me for?

Everybody keeps telling me that I’m breaking his heart. That I need to treat him better because it’s only hurting him. It’s not my fault the fucking kid is getting hurt. It’s his own damn fault. I didn’t do anything but take him home and fuck him. I didn’t lead him on in any way. I didn’t give him any reason to think he was wanted. After the initial fuck, everything he thought was completely on him. He has no reason to think the way he does. He’s a great fuck, that’s it. Nothing more. He acts like I’m doing him this big favor by continuing to fuck him. I seriously do not get it at all. Maybe someday he’ll finally get it and leave me the fuck alone. Until then, though, at least I have a guaranteed fuck whenever other plans fall through.

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