Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

            I know this seems a little crazy. I mean, I'm thirty-two years old and writing to someone that's been dead for hundreds of years, but I'm desperate. I've tried praying, but I'm not really all that religious and I don't think God would listen to me anyway. I've tried everything I can think of and now I'm trying you. I know I'm not one of the names on your good list. If you had three lists, the third of which being a complete asshole list, I'm sure my name would be right at the top. I don't really deserve any consideration, but as I've said about four different ways, I'm desperate.

            So here's the deal. Almost three years ago I met this beautiful, talented young man named Justin Taylor and over the course of the time that I've known him, I fell in love with him, though I wasn't willing to admit it. I didn't believe in love before he came along. I didn't think I deserved to be loved. I still don't, for that matter, but for some reason this kid said he loved me. I was willing to do anything for him. I paid for a computer to help him draw. I even agreed to pay his fucking college tuition. I let him live with me. I followed every rule that he came up with. I did everything I could think of to keep him in my life and to show him that I love him. The thing is, he wanted romance and I don't do romance. He wanted picnics on the floor and roses and wanted me to say "I love you" to him on a semi-regular basis. But I can't stand words. My dad would tell my mom that he loved her and ten minutes later he'd be smacking her around, so the words mean nothing to me. It's the actions that speak as far as I am concerned and my actions were writing I LOVE JUSTIN TAYLOR in huge letters across the sky for all the world to see. But it wasn't enough for him, so he left me for another guy. Well, I pushed him, but I thought he was better off with this other guy.

            Since he's left, my life has been totally empty. I can't sleep because he's not there in bed with me. I don't go out because it's not fun anymore without him there. I'm having a hard time concentrating at work. It's been almost six months and I'm driving myself slowly insane. I think about him constantly. All of my friends are starting to worry. They finally realize how much this kid meant to me. I realize that he's twelve years younger than I am and I know that he could do so much better, but I love him so much. I can't stand to be away from him. I can't stand to see him with that damned fiddle player.

            So here it is. I, Brian Kinney, am asking you, Santa Claus, for the only thing that I want this Christmas. I know I don't deserve it. I know you might not be able to do it, but I am begging and pleading. All I want for Christmas is Justin Taylor back in my life and back in my arms. But, if having Justin back isn't possible, I'd like for him to be happy, for him to get what he wants this year. Can you help me? And I know that slipping this letter in with my kid's letter to you is a little dishonest, but I really don't want to have to deal with the laughing and pointing at the fact that I wrote a letter to Santa Claus. I honestly appreciate anything you could do and am thanking you in advance.

Sincerely,

Brian Kinney

Santa usually had his elves go through the letters and make a list of who wanted what. He’d been in the stable, checking on the reindeer when one of them came up to him with the letters. One was from the little boy, Gus. It was really just a bunch of scribbles with his mother's handwriting saying what he wanted for Christmas. After reading the letter from Brian, he turned to the elf.

"Did you check out the name?"

"Definitely on the Naughty list, sir. Has been since he turned fifteen."

"Well, I think we're going to do something different this year."

"What's that, Santa?"

"I want you to take his name and put it on the nice list. And I want you and the other elves to do everything you can to make sure that he gets what he wants for Christmas."

"But.......Santa, we've never taken someone off the Naughty list and put them on the Nice list."

"We are this year, Daniel. I've watched this Brian Kinney before. He was a heartless, selfish jerk. And that's being extremely nice. It's not everyday that someone like that lets someone in. He's let his frozen heart thaw out and I think that deserves a reward, don't you?"

"Yes, sir." The elf nodded.

"Then hop to it. We don't have much time. I want them back together by Christmas."

"Yes, sir. Right away, sir." Then the elf took off. He went to the workshop and gathered several of the other elves, then they all left together on their way to Pittsburgh.

Justin was sitting at the counter in the diner, eating lunch. He didn't have any afternoon classes and Ethan wasn't going to be home for another hour or so, so he decided to grab a bite. Deb was working the night shift and the guys were at work so he thought that he was relatively safe. Just as he was finishing up and getting ready to leave, Deb walked in the door.

"Hey, Sunshine. Long time no see. How you doing?" Though Debbie had a smile on her face there was the tiniest hint of ice in her tone. She might have adopted Justin, and she might love him, but she had known and loved Brian far longer and was upset with what happened.

"I'm fine. I was just getting ready to leave." Justin pulled on his coat for emphasis.

"Oh, well, have fun and stay warm." She then headed to the back before Justin could say a word.

He sighed and nodded, then left. When he got home there was a vase with two dozen deep red roses that were halfway between bud and full bloom surrounded by baby's breath sitting just outside the door. Justin wondered how Ethan could have afforded something like that and smiled as he picked them up and went inside. He set the flowers on the table, then noticed that there was a card. His eyes went wide as he read the card. The flowers weren't from Ethan, they were from Brian.

"Too little too late," Justin said. He grabbed the flowers and locked his door, then headed to his mom's. She smiled when she opened the door and saw Justin standing there with the flowers.

"Oh, Justin, they're beautiful. But.......how did you afford these?"

"Well, mom, I'm going to be honest. They were an unwanted gift from someone that I never want to see again so I thought that maybe you would like them. I know it sounds cheap and maybe a little wrong, but I don't want them. If it makes you feel better, I would have bought them for you if I had the money." He smiled and Jennifer sighed.

"I appreciate the flowers, Justin, regardless of how you came about getting them." She took the roses and set them on the coffee table, then turned and hugged her son.

"I have to get going, mom. Ethan and I have plans tonight."

"Okay, you be careful."

 "I will." Justin walked out the door and sighed once again. At least this way Ethan wouldn't find out about the roses. He was positively jealous and Justin knew that Ethan would flip. He headed home and managed to get rid of the card before Ethan got home.

Daniel and the other elves sat back and sighed. This was just Plan A but it was looking like this was going to be much harder than they thought.

"It's obvious that we're going to have to try extra hard to get those two together in a span of two weeks."

"So, what's next, boss?" one of the elves asked.

"On to Plan B." They all nodded and headed off.

Plan B had taken four days to prepare but Daniel was certain that this would work. He had everything timed down to the second. The other elves were waiting for his cue as Justin walked out of the Art building at PIFA. They had paid one of Justin's fellow students to help them out.

"Hey, Justin."

"Hey, Curt, what's up?"

"Look, this may seem a little strange, but I'm supposed to take you somewhere."

"Um........where?" Justin asked. He was understandably suspicious.

"You know that totally posh French restaurant down town?"

"Chez Maurice where the cheapest thing on the menu costs more than my tuition?" Justin said with a smirk. The smile faded when Curt nodded.

"I'm supposed to take you there."

"But they have a dress code."

"There'll be a tux waiting for you."

"Curt, who's doing all this?"

"I'm not allowed to say."

Justin simply nodded and decided to go along. He knew that Ethan had been trying to get a record deal and that it would have a seriously high advance if he got it, so he figured maybe Ethan had gotten it and wanted to celebrate. When Justin was dropped off, and had changed into his tux, he was led to one of the private rooms. He was a little shocked to see that no one was there. There was a note sitting on the table and Justin read it. Once again this was Brian's doing. He should have known. Justin sighed, then started to leave. The maitre d' tried to stop Justin.

"But, sir, your party has not arrived."

"When he gets here, tell him he can fuck off." Justin then left in a huff. Why couldn't Brian just leave him alone? He had been all but literally pushed out the door and now he was being dragged back in? Besides, all this romantic nonsense was totally not Brian. Justin changed out of the tux before going home and lying down. He decided that he would go to bed early since he had an early class.

"Boss, we've only got three days, what are we going to do?"

"I don't know. This kid is tougher than we thought. He's ignored or rejected everything we've tried. I know he has to still love Brian. You can't just stop loving someone like that. I think we have to go to plan F."

"Are you sure? You know that's against policy. I'm not sure Santa will like that."

"What's plan F?" one of the elves asked.

"We're going to show ourselves to Justin."

"We can't do that, boss," another elf commented.

"We can, and we will. And, we are going to show him this." Daniel held up Brian's letter. There was a collective gasp from the elves surrounding him.

Justin was sitting on one of the benches outside PIFA waiting for Ethan to get done with a class, when about six different little people showed up out of nowhere. One of them, a little taller than the others and with graying hair, moved to the front of the group. They were all dressed in festive sweaters, obviously some kind of solicitors for holiday charities or something.

"Look, I can't spare any money for charity right now so why don't you go bother somebody else?"

"That's not why we're here, Justin."

Justin blinked. "How'd you know my name?"

"We know everything. Now, I know you're going to find this very hard to believe, but........we're elves."

"Elves?"

"Yeah, you know, Santa's helpers."

At that Justin burst into laughter. "You honestly expect me to believe that you are Santa's helpers? Give me a break."

"How can we prove it to you?"

"So, if you're Santa's elves then you can like.......do magic and stuff like that, right?"

"Yes, we can."

"And you know who's been naughty and nice and all that too?"

"Yes."

"Okay, has my sister been naughty or nice?"

"Well, she has had her naughty moments, but in the over all scheme of things, she qualifies as nice."

Once again, Justin laughed. "So, what is Santa going to bring her this year?" He was smirking and unbelieving.

"Well, she asked for a Barbie Dream House and the Barbie pink corvette, but your mother bought those for her weeks ago and has them hidden in the back of the hall closet. Santa doesn't really need to visit her house this year. You know.........parents not believing in Santa has really cut down on his run time. He doesn't have nearly as many houses to stop at anymore."

Justin was sitting there on the bench, his mouth hanging open. After a minute, he just shook his head. "I still don't believe it. Lots of girls ask for Barbie shit." He stood up and looked at Daniel. "Tell Brian that he can fuck off. If he regrets me leaving, he can just deal with it." Justin started to leave.

"Wait........Justin. One more thing." Daniel held out the letter. "Take this. Read it. Then think about how you really feel about Brian. Okay?"

Justin sighed and turned, then took the letter. He slipped it into his pocket and Daniel could tell that Justin had no intention of reading Brian's letter. He sighed and gathered the elves, heading back to the North Pole.

"So, how did it go?" Santa asked.

"Complete failure. For once you're not going to be able to deliver this Christmas, Santa. You just can't change someone's heart." Daniel was confused when Santa smiled.

"Just give it time, Daniel. We still have two days." He turned and went back to the stable to once again check on the reindeer.

"I hope you're right, Santa. I hope you're right."

Justin was making dinner when Ethan came home from yet another gig. Ethan sighed when he had to move Justin's coat off the couch. Something fell out of the pocket and Ethan picked it up.

"What's this?" he asked. Justin turned and looked at what Ethan was holding up. It was the paper the "elves" had given him.

"It's nothing." He turned back to his cooking. Ethan opened the paper and started reading. Before long, he was laughing. "What's so funny?"

"Listen to this," Ethan said, then began reading the letter. Justin was silent the entire time. He couldn't believe that Brian had actually written a letter to Santa Claus. He turned back to his cooking so that Ethan wouldn't watch him wipe a tear from his cheek, then he turned back when Ethan was done.

"There's just one problem with that."

"What's that?" Ethan asked.

"He lied to Santa. He hasn't tried everything he could to get me back."

Ethan's smile faded at those words. So, the truth had come out. "So, you're telling me that if Brian came back and said I love you to you and gave you flowers and shit, you'd leave me for him?"

"No. He already tried flowers and he already tried a romantic dinner. As you can see, none of it worked." Justin walked over and hugged Ethan, then kissed him lightly on the lips. "He's in the past, baby. You don't need to worry about him." Ethan smiled, then kissed him passionately. Dinner went forgotten as they made love.

Brian cursed when his alarm went off. He had forgotten to turn it off before he went to bed. As he reached over to halt the irritating noise, he realized what day it was. Christmas day and no Justin waiting under the tree. Of course, you had to have a tree for that to happen. He sighed and got out of bed, remembering that he had to be at the munchers.

"Merry Christmas, Brian," Lindsay said as she hugged him. He hugged back but only grumbled. His mood lightened slightly when he saw Gus sitting near the tree staring at all the presents.

"Oh wait! I almost forgot something." Brian ran back out to the Jeep and grabbed three more presents. Melanie and Lindsay both rolled their eyes at him.

"You're going to spoil him, Brian," Melanie said.

"These aren't for him, they're for you." He handed a small box each to Melanie and Lindsay and placed the larger box between them. "That big one is something you can both use and enjoy." He stated it that way in the hopes that they would think he was being a total asshole. The looks on their faces indicated he had succeeded. While Gus opened his presents, Lindsay and Melanie opened theirs.

"Oh Brian! It's beautiful!" Lindsay pulled out the ruby and diamond tennis bracelet she had been wanting since she first saw it in the window at the jewelry store. She moved over and hugged Brian tightly. Melanie sat there with her eyes wide.

"I......I don't know what to say." Inside her box was the emerald and diamond version of Lindsay's bracelet. "Thanks," she said with a smile. Brian nodded. They helped each other with their bracelets, then hesitantly turned to the third box. It was rather large and they weren't sure what it could be. There was a collective gasp when they unwrapped an antique sterling silver tea service. Both women stood and hugged Brian this time. He simply smiled.

"I thought you'd like that."

"Like it, we love it. Thank you," Melanie said. Both of their smiles faded as they looked under the tree. "Um.......we didn't.......get you anything."

"That's okay." Brian shrugged. He hadn't really been expecting anything from anybody. "You let me spend Christmas with my son. What more could I ask?" He smiled sadly.

"What's wrong?" Lindsay asked. Brian sighed. Even with Melanie standing right there he saw no point in hiding anything.

"Let's just say I was given a proverbial lump of coal." He looked down at a suddenly interesting spot on his pants. Both women were confused, then it dawned on Lindsay.

"Is that why you insisted on mailing Gus' letter to Santa?" For the first time since she had known Brian, she saw a slight blush creep onto his cheeks. "Oh my goodness, that's so adorable."

"Which is exactly why I didn't want anyone to know." He sighed heavily. Melanie was laughing.

"What did you ask for?" Brian sighed and stood.

"Doesn't matter anyway because I didn't get it. Never should have even bothered in the first place, to be honest. I knew it wasn't gonna happen." He started to leave. Lindsay put a hand on his arm and he turned to look at her.

"What did you ask for?" she asked softly. There was a sudden wave of pain and sadness on his face before the cool mask came back into place.

"What do you think?" he said, then walked out the door.

Lindsay sighed heavily. "Poor Brian," she said as she started to help Gus with some of his gifts.

"What do you mean?" Melanie asked, still confused. "What did Brian want for Christmas? What could he possibly be so depressed about not getting?"

Lindsay looked up and a tear rolled down her cheek. She uttered one word and Melanie suddenly understood everything.

"Justin," was all that needed to be said for both women to understand why Brian was so upset. Melanie hugged Lindsay, then they went back to helping Gus with his gifts.

Dinner at the Novotny house usually made Brian feel better, but this year it wasn't helping. He guessed that part of his problem was the fact that Justin had once lived there. He looked around the place and sighed heavily.

"This is why I never ask for anything for Christmas," Brian said softly to himself. There was enough noise going on in the kitchen that no one heard him. He was sitting on the couch in the living room, having been shooed out of the kitchen. After a while, Vic came out, still wearing his apron and covered in flour.

"You okay, kid?" Vic asked as he sat beside Brian, patting his thigh reassuringly. For anyone else that would have been a slightly intimate gesture, but for Vic it was just a show of friendship. When Brian shrugged, Vic frowned. "What's the matter?"

"Nothing."

"Come on, Brian, you can't fool me, what's up?" Brian sighed.

"You'll laugh at me."

"Since when did you care about that?" Vic smiled. Brian just looked at him. "This must be serious. What if I promise not to laugh?"

"You can't promise that. Trust me."

"Well, I won't laugh in your face, then."

"Laughing behind my back is worse."

"This is obviously bothering you."

"And?"

"And maybe talking will help."

"You have to promise not to tell anyone." Vic crossed his heart.

"I'll take it to my grave." They both paused a moment, then Brian sighed.

"I wrote a letter to Santa."

Vic smiled slightly. "What did you ask for?"

"Doesn't matter, I didn't get it."

"You know, sometimes Santa's gifts aren't there when you wake up in the morning, but they happen."

"This one won't. First of all, I don't really deserve it. Second of all, it would require a change of heart on someone's part. It's just not going to happen, Vic. I don't even know why I bothered." He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed once again. Vic put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed gently.

"Christmas isn't over yet, Brian. Just give it time."

"How can you be so fucking optimistic?"

"Look at my life and ask me that again," Vic said with a raised eyebrow. Brian sighed and nodded, then rested his head on Vic's shoulder. Vic reached up and started gently stroking Brian's hair.

"Vic, I need you in here," Deb called from the kitchen. Brian sat up and it looked like he was wiping at his eyes. Vic only kissed Brian's temple, then got up and went into the kitchen.

"What's that all about?" Deb asked. Once again, only one word was needed.

"Justin," Vic answered. Deb sighed heavily and shook her head.

"Poor kid." She and Vic then went back to cooking.

After dinner with Deb and Vic, Brian went home. He was going to go to Babylon, but it was closed for the holiday. That was a shock to his system. The Sap actually cared about Christmas? Who knew? So he went home and logged onto the computer. Everyone that was online were the hang arounds that he was never interested in. He was also fresh out of Beam and hadn't replaced his stash. No drugs, no booze, no tricks and no Justin. This was turning into the worst Christmas of his life. He decided to go to bed early.

Brian had started to dream about Justin. The dream seemed so real. He could even feel the teen in his arms, smell his hair. It was too much. Just the thought of Justin there in bed with him was giving him a raging hard on. Soon, the dream turned erotic. Justin was kissing his way down Brian's chest to run his tongue along the turgid shaft. Soon he was bobbing up and down at Brian's groin. It wasn't long before the older man arched his back and cried out as he came. It had been so real, so intense. Brian's eyes popped open.

"What the......" Justin was smiling at him from between his legs. The youth began to slowly kiss his way back up to Brian's mouth. Brian could taste himself on the tongue that was almost forced down his throat. He wrapped his arms around Justin and held him close, afraid that this might all just be a dream.

"I love you." Justin whispered in his ear. "I love you so much." Brian kissed him once again. The kiss turned heated and soon they were making love. Brian reveled in the feel of being joined to Justin once again. He silently prayed that he would never wake from this dream. When they lay on the bed trying to catch their breath, he closed his eyes and sighed heavily. "You're not dreaming." Justin said and kissed his lips lightly.

"What?" Brian opened his eyes and looked into the bright pools of blue before him.

"I said it's not a dream. I.......I've been thinking about it the last couple of days and I was wrong to leave. I shouldn't have tried to force you to give me something you weren't ready to give. I love you and I know you love me, even if you can't say it." Justin smiled sadly. "I'm sorry I couldn't see that." Brian reached up and put a hand on Justin's cheek.

"Don't be," was Brian's only response before kissing Justin again. "I'm just glad you're here. I......" He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, then looked Justin in the eye and smiled. "I love you." Justin smiled and kissed Brian passionately before snuggling up with his head resting on the older man's chest. Brian looked over at the clock. Five minutes until midnight. He kissed the top of Justin's head and smiled.

"Merry Christmas, Sunshine." Justin looked up at Brian and smiled his megawatt smile.

"Merry Christmas, Brian." He rested his head on Brian's chest again and they snuggled closer together. In moments, Justin was fast asleep. Brian smiled as he looked up at the ceiling.

"Thanks, Santa. I owe you one." He closed his eyes and fell asleep happy for the first time in a long time.

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