I Believe

Every now and then the softest breath upon my skin

I feel you come back again and it's like you haven't been

Gone a moment from my side like the tears were never cried

Like the hands of time were holding you and me

And with all my heart I'm sure

We're closer than we ever were

I don't have to here or see

I've got all the proof I need

There are more than angels watching over me

I believe oh I believe

Now when you die your life goes on

It doesn't end here when you're gone

Every soul is filled with light

It never ends if I'm right

Our love can even reach across eternity

I believe, oh I believe

Forever you're a part of me

Forever in the heart of me

I will hold you even longer if I can

Oh the people who don't see the most

See that I believe in ghosts

If that makes me crazy then I am

Cause I believe Oh I believe

There are more than angels watching over me

I believe oh I believe.

Every now and then the softest breath upon my skin

I feel you come back again and I believe

When I first got the call that he was gone, I couldn't believe it. We’d talked just the day before and he seemed fine. Then I was awakened at five thirty in the morning by a call telling me he was gone. My heart broke and I honestly don't think I'd ever cried so much in my life. I’d loved him at one point in my life, and could say that I still do. And now he's gone forever. I went over to comfort his family. It was the least I could do, but I shed the tears right along with them.

"You know he always loved you?" someone asked. I wasn't really paying attention who. I simply nodded. I knew he loved me. I knew it all along. We just never really said it to each other. It was an agreement we had. Though the feelings were there, and we showed them from time to time, we never actually uttered the words.

He changed my life from the moment I met him. Loving me in a way no other could ever love me. Holding me when I needed comfort. Caring for me when I needed it, though that wasn't often. Putting up with my stubbornness and seeing right through the asshole exterior that I projected. Nothing could get past him. He saw through me as if I were made of glass, and I honestly didn't mind.

The funeral was short, but beautiful. All of his close friends and family came and said a few words. I was supposed to get up and speak but I just couldn't. When I got up there my voice failed me as tears streaked down my cheeks. I know that everyone was shocked by my display. I never show emotion, especially not in public. And here I was crying like a baby, unable to form a coherent word. It amazed even me, but I loved him so much I just couldn't keep it all inside.

That was three months ago. I've been having dreams about the times we spent together both good and bad. Various songs on the radio remind me of him. Just last week I had to pull over because a song reminded me so much of him that I started crying and I couldn't see. The last thing I needed was to join him in eternity. Especially because of crying uncontrollably while driving. He'd hate that.

After work I decided that it was time to talk to him. I know he's dead, but I have to say something. I haven't been to the grave since the funeral. Maybe getting all this out finally will help me move on. So I drove down to the cemetery in which he is buried. I decided to stop on the way and pick up some flowers; white roses were always his favorite. I remember that he said once that he loved them at that stage halfway between bud and full blossom so I made sure that every last one of them looked perfect for him. I honestly don't know how I remembered that little tidbit of information. I guess maybe because it was important to him.

I walked up to the grave and placed the roses by the stone, then I sat down with my shoulder leaning against it. Rather than the simple little plaque on the ground I’d shelled out for an elaborate headstone. He deserved as much. I ran my fingers through the cool grass as I tried to gather my thoughts on what to say to him. Tears started streaking down my cheeks and it took me a minute to regain my composure so I could talk to him.

"Hey. I know I haven't been to see you in a while. I hope you don't mind. It still kind of hurts that you're gone. I've been meaning to come by and talk to you, I just haven't been able to gather up the nerve to do it." Sounds lame even to my ears but maybe he'll understand.

"I've been having dreams about you a lot lately. About that time in New York. About all the fun we had together. I miss you so much. You taught me more than I thought possible. And…even though I'll deny this to anyone else, you were the first person I ever really loved." I looked down at my hand combing through the grass as the tears came on stronger. Even with all my resolve my voice shook as I continued.

"I don't know how I'm going to make it without you. I know that you want me to go on with my life but it's so hard not having you around. You were always there when I needed someone to talk to. You never judged any of the shit I did. You never ridiculed me and you never blamed me for anything that wasn't truly my fault. I think that's why I love you so much. I’ll never stop loving you, you know that."

After that I began to cry so hard I couldn't talk. I took out my handkerchief and wiped at my eyes and blew my nose, but the tears kept coming. Finally I just lay down and curled up in a ball and cried.

It must have been several hours later before someone came and woke me up. Apparently I’d cried myself to sleep right there by his grave. The cemetery caretaker woke me and informed me that it was getting late and I should go home. I looked at my watch and sure enough, it was almost ten. I looked at my cell phone and I had about a dozen messages, all probably from Mikey. I’d cried myself into exhaustion to the point that not even my phone ringing woke me up. I thanked the man and stood, looking at the headstone one last time.

"I'll come back and see you soon. I promise." With that I turned and started to leave. After only a few steps, I stopped and turned back to the grave. "Later, Vic."

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