21 Things

Brian was going through his desk, cleaning it out. It was a Sunday afternoon and he was bored out of his mind, so he decided to clean. He was going through the drawers when he stumbled upon a piece of notebook paper. The title read "21 Things I Want in a Lover" and it was obviously Justin's handwriting. He felt a slight pain in his chest. Justin had only been gone for about a month. One of the reasons Brian was cleaning was to get rid of the reminders of the blonde that so totally invaded his life and his heart. He decided to take a look at the list and see if he fit any, or all, of the qualifications.
 
21: Must be great in bed and out
 
"Well, I know I have the in bed covered." Brian said with a smirk. He wasn't sure exactly what Justin meant by being great out of bed. He was sure that it wasn't what Brian was thinking. A great deal of their fucking hadn’t taken place in bed.
 
20: Looks don't matter (but they help A LOT)
 
Brian smiled because he had that covered too. Justin always said that he looked great, or that he was hot, or that he was gorgeous. There was no doubt that Justin liked Brian's looks.
 
19: Size does
 
Again Brian smiled. He had that area covered too. While Brian might not have the biggest dick on the planet, small was not a word that could be used to describe him.
 
18: Top or bottom as long as it gets done.
 
"Four so far." Brian's confidence was definitely growing, though he was starting to wonder why Justin left at all, if he was everything that he looked for in a lover.
 
17: Will spend the day with me whether or not he has to work
 
"Okay, four out of five isn't bad." Brian lost track of the times that he told Justin he had to work and was too busy to spend time with the boy.
 
16: Is happy with me and only me
 
Brian sighed when he read this one. It had been obvious on more than one occasion that Brian did not fit this qualification.
 
15: Wants to get away sometimes
 
It wasn't a matter of Brian not wanting to get away with Justin sometimes, it was a matter of being able to. It seemed that every time he wanted to offer a trip somewhere to Justin something came up and he just couldn't do it. Case in point, the trip to Vermont. Brian honestly wanted to go snowboarding with Justin. Ryder was to blame for that not happening. Ryder and Vance. It was either go away with Justin and get fired or find a way to keep his job and Brian's continued income was a little more important than a week in the snow with his......whatever he was.
 
14: Thinks of me when I'm not there
 
Brian scoffed when he read this one. "Oh, Justin, if you only knew." He smiled slightly. Brian found, especially for the last six months or so, that Justin haunted his every thought. It seemed that whenever he wasn't with Justin, the tiniest little thing could remind him of Justin. A song, a painting, almost anything and that sunshine smile would enter his brain.
 
13: Misses me now and then
 
"I miss you all the time, Sunshine." Although this one kind of went along with the previous requirement. Brian missed Justin terribly, especially now that he thought the young man was gone forever. The week that Justin had been in Vermont and Brian stayed home was one of the longest weeks of Brian's life. He was on the verge of depression when Justin finally returned home. It amazed Brian that he could miss someone that much.
 
12: Won't mind being ridiculously romantic
 
Okay, so this wasn't one of the ones that he qualified for. Brian just didn't do romantic. It was a waste of time in his opinion. And the one truly, ridiculously romantic thing that Brian had done, Justin didn't even remember. Granted it was not Justin's fault that he didn't remember, but that didn't change the fact that it was gone from his memory, probably for good.
 
11: Brilliant
 
Brian's smile returned. Brilliant was definitely on his list of qualifications.
 
10: Has a gorgeous smile
 
On the rare occasions that Brian really smiled, he'd been told his smile was gorgeous. But then again, most people were used to seeing his sarcastic sneer. Very few people had ever seen Brian really, truly smile, Justin actually being one of them.
 
9: Holds me when I need to be held
 
"I think I've done that." Brian remembered just holding Justin more than once. Like when they all thought he was moving to New York. Brian could have just kicked him out and said good bye, but he could see that Justin was hurting and needed to be held, so he held him, let him cry on his shoulder. If Brian were honest with himself he would admit that he needed that contact just as much as Justin had.
 
8: Fucks me when I need that too
 
Brian actually laughed out loud about this one. It didn't even need to be asked.
 
7: Won't push me if I'm not horny (but that rarely happens)
 
"Never did that." Though there were occasions when it would seem that Brian had done exactly that, everything is not as it seems. Brian could tell when all Justin needed was a little encouragement to get horny. If the boy honestly didn't want to get fucked, Brian would back off. Though it was rare that Justin didn't want to get fucked.
 
6: Is happy to make me so
 
This was definitely true, at least in Brian's memory. He loved making Justin happy, because when Justin was happy he would let loose with that gorgeous sunshine smile that just lit him from inside. That smile always gave Brian hope. If Brian could make Justin smile like that, maybe he was worth something to somebody after all. So it was safe to say that Brian was happy to make Justin happy. At least most of the time.
 
5: Will hold back if I don't want to be (again, rare freak occurrence)
 
Brian had the distinct feeling that this was an incomplete thought. He could only assume that the last word was supposed to be "fucked", especially given what was in the parentheses, but he wasn't quite sure. He had, however, held off when Justin had said he didn't want to be fucked so he decided to give himself credit on this one.
 
4: Eyes rarely stray
 
Brian rolled his eyes when he read this one. It was just reflex for Brian to check out hot guys. He'd done it so much that he didn't even realize he was doing it most of the time. And just because he was checking out another guy didn't mean he was actually going to pick him up and fuck him. "Okay, Brian, this is you we're talking about." He said aloud to himself and he sighed. So, minus one more.
 
3: Always return if they slip
 
Brian had always come home to Justin. He’d followed all the rules. He may have fucked everything that moved but when it came down to it, he always came back to Justin.
 
2: Will watch Yellow Submarine just because it's my favorite
 
Brian lost track of the number of times that he and Justin snuggled together on the couch to watch that stupid movie. He sighed and shook his head. Yes, Brian Kinney actually snuggled. It did happen on occasion. One of the reasons he hadn't really tried to get rid of Justin is because he’d gotten to a point in his life where he found an occasional need to snuggle and he didn't really want to snuggle with a trick. Besides, Justin was the perfect snuggle partner. It seemed that their bodies complimented each other perfectly. It was never hard to get comfortable snuggling with Justin.
 
1: Is not afraid and will sometimes say, "I love you"
 

Brian closed his eyes and sighed. That was the clincher. The one thing he wouldn't do. Words meant shit to Brian. "I love you" lost its meaning to him as a child. And then again in college. He didn't need to say the words; he'd shown Justin with innumerable actions. But Justin needed the words.
Brian went back over the list in his mind. If his count was correct he had fifteen of the twenty one qualities. The only problem was that the six that he didn’t have were the six big ones. The ones that REALLY counted. The ones that mattered the most to Justin. He sat down on the couch and went over the list again and again. He realized that some of the things just could not be done.

He couldn't guarantee that he would get away with Justin every now and then because business trips popped up at the last second all the time. He couldn't say that he'd spend time with Justin even if he had to work because he was constantly working around deadlines. He couldn't guarantee that his eyes wouldn't stray because the fact was that there were hot guys everywhere and he was going to check them out, even if it was just to appreciate good looks. He couldn't guarantee to be ridiculously romantic because to be honest, the thought generally repulsed him. Romance made him sick to his stomach. He couldn't even guarantee not to trick. There were times that he just needed an anonymous fuck. Although lately it had been losing its appeal. But there was one that Brian could do. How hard could it be to say three little words?

Brian sat there thinking about it for a minute and he realized why he had never said "I love you" to Justin. He picked up the phone and dialed Justin's cell.

"Hello?"

"Hey." Brian heard Justin sigh.

"What do you want, Brian?"

"I was cleaning out my desk and I came across something of yours."

"Oh?"

"Twenty one things I want in a lover," Brian said. Justin was silent for a minute.

"You can throw that away."

"Justin.....I figured something out."

"What's that?"

"Why I never said it."

"Said what?" Justin asked. Brian rolled his eyes.

"You know what."

"Okay, why didn't you ever say it?"

Brian took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I never said it because it wasn't enough. Three little words just wasn't enough."

"What do you mean, it wasn't enough?"

"To tell you how I feel. How I really feel. Three words just couldn't possibly convey the depth of my feelings for you, Justin. I'll understand if you want to stay gone. I'm not trying to get you back. I just want you to understand that there aren't enough words to tell you how I really, honestly, truly feel about you. It's too big. Too.....encompassing. This isn't making any sense." Brian sighed.

Justin was quiet for several minutes. "It makes perfect sense."

"Okay. Well....I just had to tell you."

"Brian?"

"Yeah?"

"I feel that way, too."

"What about the fiddle player?"

"I don't love him, Brian. I never did. He just.....he gave me things that you wouldn't, but it's not the same. I'm not happy with him. I....even though you were an asshole, I can say I was happy with you, for the most part."

"So what does this mean?"

"It means that we need to sit down and really talk. We never really talked."

"When can you come over?"

"Right now, if you want."

"Okay. Um...see you in a few."

"Yeah....see you in a minute, Brian." They hung up at the same time and Brian allowed a smile to creep onto his lips. Maybe things wouldn't be so bad after all.
 

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