FAST FORWARD
Part 3: Clutter
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
Brian
"Clare told me you gave your father money all the time." Mom folds her hands in
her lap, folds them either in prayer or to keep from reaching across the end
table to slap me, I don't know which. I've always annoyed the shit out of my
mother. Sometimes without meaning to.
"Why would I give money to Pop? I hardly ever even saw him." I shrug and pick up
a hideous knick-knack from the coffee table, a china shepherdess in a blue dress
with three fluffy white sheep gathered at her feet, staring up at her with sappy
looks on their tiny faces.
"Well, did you or didn't you, Brian? Can you never answer a simple question?"
Why the fuck did he tell Clare? "I gave him a few bucks once in a while," I
admit finally, still staring at the china shepherdess with rosy pink cheeks.
"What do you care?" I glance up at her, waiting for it.
She purses her lips. "You know perfectly well that your father spent every penny
he could get hold of on liquor. He never shared any of your money with me, maybe
I had needs too, did you ever consider that? Did you Brian?"
"Guess not," I shrug again, replacing the china shepherdess on the table and
picking up the companion shepherd boy instead. Much more attractive. Blond
curls, a ruffled shirt, painted-on bright blue eyes, killer smile.
"I'm not counting the time you replaced the roof," she adds quickly. "This was
your home too, you grew up here, I would assume that, as an adult, you care
enough about your old home to help with expenses once in a while."
"I'm not counting that either," I assure her, rubbing a finger gently on the
smooth china rump of the shepherd boy. I'm also not counting replacing the
furnace or repaving the driveway. She's right, it was my home too. Even if it
felt like a prison. Probably a lot of kids feel that way growing up.
"And now I find out that you've been paying school fees for Clare's boys. For
the past two years, she says."
My head comes up at that and I regard her suspiciously, I wonder what brought on
Clare's compulsive confessing. "Were you harassing Clare about something?"
"Why are you paying their school fees?"
"Were. Past tense. Her second husband's paying them now, you know what a
deadbeat her first husband was."
There's a pause, and I ask again, "Were you harassing Clare about something?
Why'd she suddenly decide to tell you all this?"
"I do not harass my children. Not that I ever see either of you very often."
When I say nothing, just keep staring at her, she drops her eyes to her lap, and
we both watch her twist her hands together for a moment. Finally she looks up
again, tosses her head and declares, "I just mentioned to Clare that you're
supposedly this big successful businessman and yet you never do anything to help
out your family."
Christ, mother-guilt's a bitch. Luckily it has no effect on me.
When I say nothing, she goes on defensively, "Most sons do things for their
mothers, but you've never wanted to."
I glance at her folded hands which have begun twisting around each other again.
She's definitely trying not to slap me. Not that she's slapped me for years, but
she's wanted to, I've seen it on her face a million times.
Setting down the shepherd boy - carefully, very carefully, no point in throwing
it across the room to smash against the wall - I stand up abruptly and stare
down at her. "Mom, if you want something, just ask. That's all you have to do.
That's all you've ever had to do."
She leans back her head to look up at me, narrowing her eyes. "You'd like that,
wouldn't you, Brian? You'd like to make your mother beg you for something, so
you can lord it over me."
Biting hard on the inside of my cheek, I look away from her. "I won't lord it
over you. Just fucking tell me what it is you want."
"Watch your mouth, you will not speak like that in my home."
Shaking my head, I mutter, "Sorry." Then I just wait. I won't ask her again.
"Sit down, Brian, are you in such a hurry to get away from me?"
I'm always in a hurry to get away from her. "I've got to be somewhere," I tell
her, as I sit down on the very edge of the sofa, my knees pushing against the
coffee table. It's true, I've got to be somewhere - anywhere but here.
After a brief pause, Mom goes on, her voice softening, "Brian, I didn't mean for
us to argue this way, I just wanted to have a nice visit. You've hardly touched
your coffee, and you used to love my peanut butter cookies."
I reach for the cup and drain the lukewarm coffee in one long swallow. "You can
send the cookies home with me." Justin would love my mom's cookies.
"For your - young friend?"
Swinging my head toward her, I wonder what's coming next.
"Clare said he's nice. He helped her with the boys' schoolwork, she said. Is
he," she pauses, then forges ahead, "Is he your, whatever-you-call-it?"
"Yes." I nod my head, keeping my face blank. Justin's my whatever-you-call-it. I
haven't settled on a euphemism yet.
"You saw him at Clare's wedding," I remind her. "Of course you didn't speak to
him, but you saw him. You've seen him a couple times." She compresses her lips
and I'm sure she's remembering the first time she saw Justin. Nearly-naked and
sweaty with an unmistakable just-fucked look, the day Justin had dared me to try
Viagra, the day she showed up with a chocolate cake and told me I was going to
hell.
"Brian," she says, keeping her voice level, the voice of reason. Hardly ever has
the Good Christian façade slipped all these years. "Brian, you know I don't
approve of your life, I'm not going to pretend that I do. So why would I approve
of some boy who's hanging around with you?"
"He doesn't need your approval. Neither do I." I stand up again. "And I've
really got to go, so if you want something, tell me what it is."
"Sit down, I can't speak when you're towering over me."
One last time I perch on the edge of the sofa. But I've reached the outer limits
of my endurance, in two minutes I'm leaving whether she's done speaking or not.
"All right," she says resignedly, "I thought you might be happy for me, finally
your mother has a chance for a vacation, a real vacation, your father never took
me anywhere."
"So who's taking you somewhere?"
And why should I care, Mom, why the fuck should I care?
"A group from the church is going to Rome. Reverend Tom is going to lead us, we
might even get to see the Pope!"
"How exciting." I've heard that Rome's a gay European hot spot; I wonder if
Reverend Tom's going to ditch his flock in St. Peter's Square, slip away among
the crumbling ruins and get his dick sucked by some dark-eyed Italian boys.
"Yes," Mom agrees, then she takes a deep breath and sighs. "But I'm not sure I
should spend the money, I have so little in savings for my old age."
Pop had insurance but not much, I don't suppose she's living high on the hog on
his pension. "I'll pay for it," I say quickly, standing up again, "Just tell me
how much."
"If you can't spare it, I'll understand," Mom says quickly, "I mean, I believe
you're supporting that boy?" When I don't answer, she adds, "And Clare says you
have other 'major expenses,' but she wouldn't tell me what."
Well, I owe Clare for that much anyway, she apparently hasn't told Mom about
Gus. I don't want her to know. I don't want her ever to know. I can't believe I
told Pop.
"It's no problem, just tell me the amount. I don't have my checkbook on me, I
can send it to you tomorrow."
"Brian," she leans forward and whispers, as if it's a secret. "It's three
thousand dollars. I didn't know it would be so much - "
"That's fine." I grab my jacket from the back of the sofa and pull it on. I just
want to get out of here. An hour locked up in this old house and I’m fucking
claustrophobic, so I make my way quickly to the door, but Mom calls me back one
more time.
“Wait – let me put these cookies in a bag for you. Or for your. . .” Her voice
trails off and I turn away from the door.
“His name’s Justin.”
“Justin,” she repeats reluctantly, looking as if she just tasted a bug, before
she moves into the kitchen and opens a drawer. I follow slowly behind her, watch
as she transfers cookies from the plate into a large plastic bag and zips it
closed. I don’t want her fucking cookies, but I do want to give them to Justin.
I’m not sure why.
“Thanks,” I say as she hands me the bag, but she doesn’t let go, instead she
closes one of her narrow hands around my wrist.
”Brian,” she says, “Can I ask you a personal question?”
“No, you can’t.”
Of course she ignores my words. “Brian, does that boy – Justin – does Justin’s
family know about him?”
I don’t pretend to misunderstand. “Yes,” I answer, “he told them himself when he
was seventeen. He’s got a lot more guts than I ever had.”
“And his mother – did she, did she accept him that way?”
“You don’t get a choice, you mothers,” I answer her, hearing the bitterness in
my voice, the anger. “But yes, to answer your question. Yes, she accepts him,
she loves him. She’s actually had us over for dinner once, believe it or not.”
Christ, that was an ordeal I don’t want to repeat any time soon.
Mom’s surprised, and when she raises her eyebrows I suddenly see a reflection,
like I’m looking in the mirror. So that’s where I got that supercilious
expression.
“You mean – Justin’s mother knows about you too?” When I nod, she adds, “And she
approves of her son living in your house?”
I pull my hand out of her grasp and say sharply, “It’s not up to her to approve
or disapprove. Justin’s twenty-one, or almost. He’s a man, not a child, he makes
his own decisions.”
“Twenty-one! He looks like a teenager.”
I can’t argue with that. “Now I’m going. Thanks for the cookies. I’ll send you a
check tomorrow.”
“Brian – “
“No more questions,” I say harshly, turning away and moving through the living
room toward the door.
“Brian,” her voice stops me just inside the door, but I’ve got my hand on the
knob. Reluctantly I turn around and look at her, and realize that I’ve raised my
eyebrows in just that same supercilious expression as Mom did in the kitchen.
“Brian,” she says quietly, “I’m sorry I didn’t speak to him, to Justin, at the
wedding. It was rude and un-Christian of me.”
“I’m sure God forgives you,” I tell her; “but I can’t speak for Justin.” I pull
open the door and she follows me out onto the porch. It’s cold and she pulls her
green cardigan tight around her neck.
“Tell him – if he likes the cookies, tell him I’ll make him some more sometime.”
I look at my mother and we stand awkwardly staring at each other on the narrow
front stoop. We’re both waiting, for what I don’t know. Then for some reason I
lean down and my lips brush her cheek. Immediately I’m sorry, and I straighten
up quickly and hurry off down the steps, as if the Hounds of Hades were on my
heels. What a ridiculous gesture that was. It doesn’t mean anything.
Justin
"What's this?"
Brian's shoved a plastic bag into my hands. "You've never seen cookies before?"
"Where'd you - "
"They're from my mother." He turns quickly away, pulling off his jacket and
moving up the stairs to the bedroom. Naturally I follow him.
"For me, Brian? For me personally?"
He stops and turns to look at me then. "Don't get all excited, it's just a few
fucking cookies."
"But," I persist, as Brian hangs his jacket in the closet, "But did she say, for
me personally?"
Then Brian grabs onto me and pulls me into his arms, he hugs me so tight I can't
move, I can't breathe, it's like a death grip. "Don't," he orders me.
"Don't what?" I manage to gasp, struggling to draw breath.
"Don't be so fucking - " Then suddenly he lets me go and heads off into the
bathroom.
I follow him but I decide to let it drop. Instead I ask, "Did you have a nice
visit?"
He lifts the toilet seat and starts to take a piss. Turning to glance at me, his
face as blank as he makes it when things get too personal, Brian says, "I don't
want to - "
" - talk about it," I finish for him, turning away and heading back toward the
kitchen, where I resume chopping celery. In a few minutes he joins me there but
I don't look up. "I'm making Chicken Diablo."
I feel Brian slip his arms around me from behind, he pushes his body close
against me and presses his face into my neck. His skin's cool from being
outside, I can smell his aftershave and a faint whiff of cigarettes. He says
nothing for a moment, just hangs onto me as I go on cutting celery. Finally he
whispers, "It was okay."
"That’s nice," I say carefully, then add, "I like peanut butter cookies."
"Me too," he agrees. "Mom’s a good cook."
I remember the chocolate cake she brought the time she almost caught us fucking
but I decide not to mention it. Brian hadn't eaten a bite, in fact he'd wanted
to throw it in the garbage but I talked him out of it. I ate some and took the
rest to Mel and Lindsay.
"Justin," he murmurs a moment later, "What is it I'm supposed to tell you?"
I lay down the knife and turn around, turn right into his arms. He still hangs
onto me but leans back so he can look at my face.
"Did you get upset, going over there? Did she say things to make you feel bad?"
Brian closes his eyes and groans.
"Tell me."
Releasing me abruptly and turning away, Brian pulls open the fridge and stares
inside. "No, I did not get upset."
"Okay." I won't torture him any more, I go back to cutting my celery, dump it
into a bowl and start slicing a carrot. There's a long silence while Brian
continues to stare into the refrigerator. Finally I tell him, "Michael called,
he wants you to come by the store tonight if you have time."
"Okay." Brian closes the fridge and wanders over to his desk, clicks on his
computer.
"You can talk to Michael about it," I suggest, trying to keep the resentment out
of my voice.
"About what?"
I feel him staring at me but I keep my eyes on the carrots. "Whatever it is you
don't want to tell me."
"Justin - "
"It's okay." Then I do look at him and I make myself smile. "Really, it's okay.
I know you'd rather tell Michael."
"There's nothing to tell!" Now he's getting angry. "There's nothing to fucking
tell! I visited my fucking mother, okay? I drank a cup of coffee and listened to
her whine about shit, then she gave me a bag of fucking cookies and I came
home."
"All right. I'm sorry." The carrots are sliced, so I pick up an onion next. I do
onions last because they burn my eyes.
Brian joins me at the counter again. "Here, let me do that. Wait in the living
room till the smell goes away."
"Thanks," I sigh gratefully, handing him the knife. "Dice it up real small. Be
careful, that knife is sharp."
I wander into the living room and glance through the tv guide to see if there's
a good movie on tonight. I don’t have much homework but I don't feel like going
out while Brian's with Michael.
Brian
The thing is, I really do want to talk to Michael about Mom. He knows her, he’s
known her for almost twenty years, I don’t have to explain anything about my
mother to Michael. Justin doesn’t know her. Justin’s transparently eager for Mom
to like him. That’s not going to happen and I don’t want her fucking with his
head. I’d rather she never spoke to him at all than to let her get her hands on
him and make him feel like shit. As she could, as she probably would.
It’s one of those fucking relationship rules that you have to tell this stuff to
your – to your whatever-you-call-it. It’s something I just can’t understand,
because I don’t want Justin to tell me all about his mother or his little sister
or his damned asshole father, so why does he care about my family? But he does.
If I go see Michael, Justin will think I told him about Mom, even if I don’t.
Christ, these things are so complicated. After I finish cutting the onion and
put it in the bowl, I rinse the knife and wipe off the counter, and tell Justin
it’s safe to come back. Then I stroll over to my desk and sit down, pick up the
phone and call Michael. I don’t raise my voice, but I know Justin can hear me.
“Hey Mikey, how’s tricks?”
“Trix are for kids. Wait.” I hear him lay down the phone and say, “That’s eleven
dollars and ninety-one cents. Do you have a penny?”
While I’m waiting I pull up Ted’s website and watch two construction workers
fuck against a telephone pole on a deserted country road. The background scenery
is incredibly fake, but who looks at the scenery when a couple of sweaty
musclemen are going at it?
“Brian, I’m back. Can you come by the store later tonight? Ben’s at a seminar in
Philadelphia, I thought we could hang out at Woody’s tonight after I close up. I
haven’t let you beat me at pool for a few weeks now.”
“Sorry Mikey, I’m busy tonight.” I don’t have to fake the sincerity in my voice
– I really am sorry to miss this chance to spend time alone with Michael, no
Gentle Ben hovering in the background keeping his eyes peeled. And no Justin
hanging back, trying to give me space but unable to keep his eyes off me -
waiting for me to give something to Michael that I don’t give to him.
“You’re always busy. Can’t you put off whatever it is?”
“No.” I glance over at whatever-it-is and now he’s cutting up chicken. Justin
likes to cook, he’s good at it too. Before he came to live with me I think I
used the kitchen only half a dozen times, to boil an egg or nuke a carton of
soup. Now it’s Justin’s domain and I think it makes him feel at home. He hasn’t
asked me and I haven’t offered to make any changes in my – in the loft. I need
it to be exactly the way it is, stark and clean. No homey touches. No china
shepherdesses on the coffee table. I can’t compromise about it.
My compromise is Justin’s desk in the alcove beyond the kitchen, which is always
piled high with books and sketchpads and clutter. I’m able to mentally block off
that corner and not really see it. I compartmentalize the corner mess so that it
doesn’t flow into the rest of my personal space. Like maybe I compartmentalize
Justin, to keep him out of other parts of my life that I don’t want to share.
I tune back into Mikey and we talk about Vic, he’s home from the hospital and
doing very well; and Michael asks if we’re coming to dinner Sunday at Deb’s.
“Probably,” I tell him; I need to check with Justin but I’m not telling him
that. Another relationship thing – you can’t make every decision on your own,
you’re always having to check in with your – with the other person in your life.
“I’ll let you know,” I promise, before we say goodbye and hang up.
There’s a pause and then Justin asks, “Will you have time for dinner before you
go?”
“Go where?” I stand up and wander back into the kitchen, lean on the counter.
Justin’s put a skillet on the stove and he’s pouring oil into it. “Hey, easy on
the oil, it’s fattening.”
“Well I didn’t mean to eavesdrop but I heard you tell Michael you’re busy
tonight, so I assumed you’re going out.” He dumps the bowl of chopped vegetables
in the pan and then glances up at me. “Right?
“Wrong. I have things to do here at home tonight.”
He’s stirring the pan slowly with a wooden spoon, his forehead slightly furrowed
in concentration. “Like what?”
“Like, I’m going to eat dinner. Then I’m going to fuck you. Then we’ll watch the
news and eat peanut butter cookies. And after that I’m going to fuck you again.”
Justin glances up at me and smiles. “Only twice?”
“Depends on how many cookies we eat. We might have to work off the calories.”
“Then let’s eat them all!” Justin laughs.
I join in his laughter but turn and walk away, shaking my head. If I have to be
in a relationship, thank God that my – that he – can keep up with me in bed.
While I wait for Justin to finish fixing dinner, I wander aimlessly around the
loft. I make a tour of the living room, enjoying the uncluttered simplicity of
the room, the clean shapes of the white leather furniture from Milan, the
flowing line of the drapes from floor to ceiling, the simple glass table covered
with liquor bottles. I visit my desk, run my fingers through the grass sculpture
that feels like running barefoot in the summertime, I like the neatness and
order of my desk, my files, my row of reference books behind the desk.
Then I walk up the steps to the bedroom, enjoying the almost-underwater blue
glow of the neons reflecting off the navy-blue duvet and the soft patina of the
hardwood floor. I glance in the bathroom at the sparkling glass of the shower
enclosure, reflected in the large mirror over the sink, the terra-cotta tiled
walls giving the room a feeling of warmth even in winter.
Coming back down the steps I approach Justin’s corner. The desk itself is hardly
visible, stacked high with computer and books and sketchpads and rolled-up
drawings and who knows what all. The chair’s pulled out at an angle, and I find
myself turning it around toward the desk at ninety degrees. Justin’s computer
monitor is covered with stuck-on scribbled notes, and there’s a row of small
Power Puff Girl dolls arrayed across the top of the monitor.
To one side and toward the back, almost against the wall, there’s a framed
picture: Jennifer and Justin, taken when he was about twelve, he’s holding Molly
on his lap. I hadn’t noticed this picture before, and I pick it up and peer
closely at the smiling faces. This is Justin’s family – what’s left of it.
Turning toward the living room, I carry Justin’s picture with me, then I sit
down on the sofa and push the stack of Architectural Digests to the left, and
the modern rock sculpture so expensive and beautiful and meaningless to the
right, and in the middle of the coffee table I set down Justin’s photograph.
“Dinner’s in the oven, it’ll be ready in half an hour.” Justin’s voice almost
makes me jump as he comes up behind me, then he circles the sofa and stands next
to me, looking down at the picture. “Why’d you bring that in here?” he asks.
Reaching for Justin’s hand, I pull him down beside me. “It was okay at my
mom’s,” I tell him, swinging my head around to look at him. “She tried to make
me feel guilty but it didn’t work. Or maybe it worked a little.”
Justin’s silent, probably afraid to say a word.
“She apologized for snubbing you at the wedding. And she did send the cookies
especially for you.”
He smiles then, a wobbly smile. “Thanks.”
We’re silent for a minute or two, then I ask, “Where’s that sketch you drew of
Lindsay and Gus when I was in the hospital?”
“I – I don’t know.” Justin glances over his shoulder at the disaster area that
is his study corner. “It’s there somewhere.”
“Find it tomorrow,” I tell him, “I want to get it framed. I think it would look
good hanging above the tv.”
After a moment I ask him, “What do you think?”
1/25/03