Words Can Not Express

Chapter 8

Brian woke up to find Justin’s side of the bed empty. Calling out to the younger man, he was worried when he got no answer. ‘Shit, where did he go?’ Brian thought to himself. Getting out of bed, he looked around the loft before coming across a note.

Dear Brian,

Good morning sleepyhead. I woke up early and decided to get some air. I started to remember some more and wanted to get away to sort things out. Don’t worry, I’m fine. I noticed a park down the street so I thought I’d take a walk down there. I’ll be back soon.

Love,
Justin

Brian felt a moment of fear come over him. If Justin started to remember everything, would he want to leave again? No! He wanted to be here. He was looking to come back before he disappeared. The ringing phone brought him out of his thoughts.

“Hello?”

“Brian, it’s Jennifer. How’s Justin?”

“He’s okay I guess. His memory seems to be coming back a little at a time.”

“That’s great. Can I talk to him?”

“He’s not here right now. He went for a walk in the park.”

“Yeah, that was one of his favorite places when he was a little boy. Listen Brian, I did as you asked and stayed away while he got settled, but I really want to see him. I need to make sure my baby’s okay.”

“I know. Why don’t you come by around three? I’ll make sure he’s here. I need to get to the office for awhile anyway.”

“That would be great. Thank you Brian, I appreciate all you have done for him. Especially after everything that‘s happened.”

“You don’t have to thank me Mrs. Taylor. I’ll always be there for Justin if he needs me.”

“I know you will. Okay, I’ll see you later.”

“Later.”

After hanging up the phone, Brian headed to the shower. It had been a long time since he took a walk in the park, but suddenly he had the urge to do just that.

Justin was sitting on a park bench, watching some children playing on the swings. He was thinking back to what he had remembered of his life with Brian. There were still some gaps in his past, but he remembered enough to know that he had loved Brian with all he had. Why did he leave? He remembered walking out of the Rage party with Ethan, but he also remembered the pain he experienced as he left. What had made him leave? What could have happened to make him walk away from the man he loved? Would he ever know? The doctor had told him to be patient and let the memories come back at their own pace, but Justin needed to sort things out. He knew he was falling in love with Brian all over again, but he wanted to understand what had happened the first time around. He was surprised to hear Brian’s voice beside him.

“Hey.” Brian said.

“Hey. You didn’t have to come and check up on me. I’m fine.” Justin replied.

“I know. I didn’t come to check up on you, I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” Brian said.

“Yeah, check up on me.” Justin laughed.

“Alright, I’m checking up on you.” Brian chuckled.

“Well, like I said, I’m fine. I just needed time to think, but actually I’m glad you’re here. Why did we break up? I know that I loved you, I remember that much. Why did I leave?”

“You wanted more than I was able to give. I grew up in house with two people who never should’ve even had children. I never believed love was possible. My motto has always been ‘I don’t believe in love, I believe in fucking’. I tricked regularly, never the same one twice. Then you came along and everything changed. I tried to push you away, but you just pushed harder. The night of the prom, I realized it was time to tell you how I felt. I never got that chance. If anything, what happened at the prom proved my point that love causes pain. From then on I was determined to keep my feelings to myself. You wanted romance and picnics on the floor. I couldn’t give that to you. If I did, someone would get hurt. Ethan could give you what you wanted. You weren’t happy with me anymore, so I pushed you away. I knew that if I didn’t, you would never have left. So I made sure that on the biggest night of your life you found me fucking someone else. It broke my heart to see the pain in your eyes. The pain that I had caused. You walked out that night and that was supposed to be the end. I left town for a week, I just needed to get away. When I got back I saw you at the diner. You looked so unhappy and you said you had made a mistake. That you wanted to come back. I guess I was scared. I pushed you away so you could be happy, yet you were asking to come back. I told you that I couldn’t be what you wanted and to go back to Ethan. That was the last time anyone saw you until I found you in the hospital.” Brian’s voice was filled with emotion.

“Brian, you have to stop thinking that you can control everyone around you. You can’t keep pushing people away because you think it’s for the best.” Justin laughed at the shocked look in the older man’s eyes. “I told you, I started to remember some things. I know you think you’re doing it for them, but you’re just doing it to protect yourself from pain. The only problem is that you get hurt in the end anyway. You can’t shut yourself off from love, because if you do, you will never experience the joy it can give you. Love is worth the risk if it’s from the right person.” Justin stated.

“I’m beginning to think you’re right. Now let’s go home. You mother is coming to see you and I’m sure the rest of the family will follow. They need to know that their Sunshine is okay and I need to go to the office for a few hours. We can talk more tonight if you want,” Brian said, surprised that he was actually looking forward to talking for once in his life.

“Okay.” Justin replied, as they got up and started walking back to the loft.

He was beginning to feel a lot better about things now. He was ready to put his life back together, and he knew Brian was going to be a part of that life. Everything was still up in the air between the two of them, but Justin knew now that Brian did love him. They just needed to figure out where to go from there. As they approached the loft, Justin needed to know one more thing before he got ready to face his past. He may not remember everything, but he remembered what was important. He just needed to know what he was going to be facing in the future. Looking up into Brian’s eyes he asked the one question that he needed an answer to.

“Brian, we are going to be okay, aren’t we?” he asked with anxiety in his voice.

Brian didn’t answer, instead he took the younger man in his arms for a reassuring kiss, telling them both what his words could not express. Their future might not always be easy, but no matter what happened, they would be okay. That, Brian was learning, was what love was all about.


The End
6/17/03

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