Words Can Not Express

Chapter 5

The kiss was soft and gentle. Even though Justin couldn't remember anything, he was pretty sure that he never felt a kiss like that before.

As Brian pulled back, so many thoughts were racing through his head. He just told Justin that he loved him. Where had that come from? He only admitted it to himself recently, why did he just blurt it out now? When he looked at Justin, he knew the answer. Because he would do anything to bring back that sunshine smile he loved so much. Justin was the most important person in Brian's life next to his son. If he needed the words to make him happy, who was Brian to deny him that? His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of Justin's voice.

"You love me? I don't understand. You said that we aren't together anymore. Why would you say that you love me?" Justin asked.

"Because I do, and I think that you’ve waited long enough to hear the words. Look Justin. I know that things are hard for you right now. I don't want to add to that. I’m not going to push you. I just wanted you to know how I feel. One day, when you remember everything, you’ll appreciate what I just said. When the day comes that you remember what an asshole I really am, I want you to remember this day. I want you to know that for what it's worth, I do love you. Then we can see where we go next. For now, let’s get you back home. Back where you belong." With that, Brian grabbed Justin's hand and the two men walked out together, unsure of what lay ahead of them.

It was a long drive back to the loft. Justin slept most of way, with Brian stealing glances whenever he got the chance. He mind wandering back to the last ten days that he spent without Justin. He remembered with a heavy heart the sadness that had come over him when he watched Justin walk out with Ethan. Everyone thought that it was horrible of Justin to walk out in front of his family and all of Liberty Avenue. The truth was that Brian didn't care about any of that. All that went through his mind was that Justin was leaving him. He was walking out of his life and there wasn't a thing Brian could do about it. Yeah, he could have asked him to stay but what would be the point of that? Brian was the one to push him away. He knew that Justin was unhappy. He knew that he couldn't offer the boy what he needed so he pushed him right into the arms of the fiddler. So what if Brian was hurting, too? He was used to it.

It wasn't until the week he spent in Vermont that everything started to sink in.

Brian had spent the whole first day thinking back to all that had happened. All the opportunities he had to show Justin that he cared. There were so many. But every time he thought about making a gesture he thought back to when he was a child. He remembered the first time he tried to tell his father he loved him. Brian couldn't have been more that 6 years old.

He went running in to the house after school. It was almost Father’s Day. He’d spent an hour working on a card for Jack in class, making sure it was perfect. His teacher even showed it to the rest of the class. He found his father sitting in his favorite chair, nursing a bottle of scotch. Whenever Jack was home in the early afternoon, it meant that he lost another job and the best thing to do was to stay out of his way. Sensing the mood that had settled on the house, Brian stopped dead in his tracks and turned to go upstairs. Father’s day was on Sunday. He would wait till then to give Jack the card. Brian was half way up the stairs when he heard Jack call his name.

“Brian, get your ass over here.” Jack slurred.

As much as Brian wanted to keep going, he knew better that to disobey his father. Approaching him slowly, Brian could smell the alcohol on his breath. “Yeah Dad?” Brian asked.

“What the hell are you doing, running in the house? How many times have you been told? And what the hell is that behind your back?”

Brian had forgotten all about the card. “It’s a father’s day card. I made it for you. I was going to give it to you on Sunday. Happy Father’s Day.” Brian said handing the card over to Jack.

Looking at the card like it was on fire, Jack read the front. “Happy Father’s Day Dad. I love you? What kind of shit is that? What are you, some little fairy?” Jack spat out with no emotion.

Brian knew better that to push his father when he was drinking but for some reason he wanted Jack to see the meaning behind the card. “No Dad. I just wanted to make something nice for you. I wanted you to know that I love you.” Brian replied.

He never even saw the hand that came out and slapped him. Jack continued to beat Brian until he couldn't even stand up, all the while yelling about how he was an accident and was never really wanted. How his mother should have had an abortion in the first place. That was when Brian realized how much love hurt. That was the day when the walls started building.

Over the years Brian had quite a few more run ins with Jack, but he never let his feelings be shown. Never even mentioned love again. How could he? Any love he had was crushed the day when a little boy brought home a card for his daddy. That was until a blond little twink walked into his world and turned it upside down.

Brian shook his head trying to chase away the memories that kept replaying in his head. The past was the past. All that mattered now was his future, and the beautiful blond sleeping next to him was definitely a part of that future. Turning down Tremont Street, Brian had another moment of doubt as to whether or not he was what Justin needed right now. Pushing those doubts aside, he parked the jeep and killed the engine. Justin didn't even stir. Brian took the opportunity to watch the boy sleep. He still couldn't believe how close he had come to losing the best thing that had ever happened to him. He promised himself right then and there that he would do what ever it took to make sure his sunshine never left him again.

*****

Justin awoke to find Brian looking at him. He sat up and looked around, not recognizing his surroundings. "Where are we?" he asked, feeling that sense of panic that he had gotten used to since he woke up not knowing who he was.

"We’re home sunshine." Brian answered reaching across to undo Justin's seatbelt.

"Home? Whose home? Where exactly are we?" Justin asked.

Brian was worried about scaring him. "This is my loft. I figured it was a good place for you to recover. Do you mind? I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you. I thought that maybe you would like to hang out here; maybe being here would bring back some memories. Unless...would you rather go to your mother's?" Brian asked.

"No. This is fine. I don't want to be a burden. Are you sure you want me here?" Justin asked, feeling uncertain about the whole situation. He wanted nothing more than to stay here with Brian. He felt safe and protected with him, although he wasn't sure why.

"Yeah, I'm sure. I want you here with me. Let's go." Brian replied.

When they entered the loft, Brian looked at Justin for some sign of recognition. There was none.

"This is a nice place. You live here by yourself?" Justin asked as he looked around his new surroundings.

"For the last couple of weeks I have. Before that, you were living here too. Does anything look familiar?" Brian asked.

Justin took a good look around again, hoping something would trigger a memory. "Sorry. Nothing." Justin said with sadness.

Brian could see the disappointment in Justin's face. "It doesn't matter. Give it time. Things will get better. For now, how about I give you the two cent tour?"

Brian spent the next few minutes showing Justin around until there was a knock on the door. 'Great' Brian thought. Company was the last thing they needed right now.

"Why don't you go take a shower. There’s a robe hanging on the back of the bathroom door that you can use for now. I'll get rid of whoever’s at the door." Brian told him before giving Justin a quick kiss and leaving the room. Justin looked around the bedroom once more before heading to the shower.

As he stood under the hot water, Justin felt the damn break. Tears he hadn't realized he had been holding back ran down his face. What was he suppose to do now? He was so confused. Here he was in a strange loft with a man he didn't even know. But he did know him, didn't he? They had been together for two years; he had lived in this loft, why couldn't he remember? And why did he feel such a deep connection with this man when he didn't even remember him? Would he ever remember? Was it possible that he would never regain his memory and never remember the life he had up to this point? Sobs overtook his body and Justin felt his legs buckle. That was when he felt Brian's strong arms wrap around him.

"It's okay Sunshine. Everything's going to be okay." Brian reassured him, wishing he felt as confident as he sounded.

End of part 5

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