Words Can Not Express

Chapter 1

Justin awoke to the sound of the violin…again. That fucking violin. He wanted to take it and smash it into little pieces. Morning, noon, and night, that was all he ever heard. He missed the quiet of the loft. He missed the cleanliness of the loft. The wide open space, the modern appliances. Oh, who was he kidding? He would live in a cardboard box if he had to. He missed Brian. It had been one week since the Rage party, one week since he walked out on Brian, and he’d been regretting his decision every minute since then. Justin knew he’d made a mistake. He knew it that first morning, when he woke up to find himself in bed with Ethan. The panic he felt made his heart race. The same panic that he’d felt every day for the last seven days.

He needed a plan. He needed to find a way to get Brian to forgive him. The problem was that Justin couldn’t seem to reach Brian. He tried, but he wasn’t answering the phone, and he was never at the loft. Justin didn’t know what to do. He’d taken the week off at the diner before everything happened. It was Brian’s idea, saying it would give him time to promote the comic book after the party. After what happened Justin hadn’t wanted to call Michael, knowing how mad everyone must have been. He knew he hurt Brian by walking out on him in front of their friends and family. He wanted to give everyone time to settle down. He’d been hoping that they’d had enough time, because today he was due back to work at noon. Like it or not, they were going to have to see him. He needed to talk to Brian. He needed to see if he could straighten things out. He wasn’t sure what would happen if Brian refused him. He couldn’t even think about it. Brian had to forgive him. He just had to.
 

*****

 

Brian was sitting at the counter, drinking his coffee and wondering why he even bothered to get out of bed. He’d been off all week. He’d put in for his vacation weeks ago as a surprise to Justin. He was planning on taking him snowboarding in Vermont. The same trip that he had to miss when it looked like he was going to lose his job. He’d felt so bad seeing the disappointment on Justin’s face when he told him that he couldn’t go, so he planned the trip and made up some excuse about taking off time to promote the comic. Justin had no idea that Brian had taken the time, too. It would’ve been a surprise, but Brian was the one who got the surprise. He couldn’t believe it when Mikey told him that Justin was seeing someone behind his back. Brian knew it was serious. If it was just a fuck, Justin would never have hid it from him. So he did some digging and found out what this Ethan had that caused Justin to break all the rules. It turned out that Ethan had the one thing that Brian didn’t. He had words. Words of love that Brian could never have. He was sweet, romantic, kind, loving; all the things that Justin had wanted, so Brian did the only thing he could do. He let Justin go.

On the night of the Rage party, after sending Melanie and Lindsay to find Justin and let him know Brian was looking for him, he dragged “Rage” to the back room and waited. He knew that once Justin couldn’t find Brian on the dance floor he would look in the back room. Once he was sure Justin would be making his way to the back, he started fucking “Rage”. Sure enough, once Justin saw what was happening he walked out. The fact that Ethan had showed up at that moment was just a stroke of luck. There was no way Justin would stay with the offer of love right there in his face. Brian was right. Justin left and Brian was free. That was a week ago.

*****

The following morning his phone had been ringing off the hook with what he figured was his family trying to find out if he was okay. Why wouldn’t he be? He got exactly what he wanted, didn’t he? After the first few hours he couldn’t take the ringing anymore. He put his phone in his drawer and went to Vermont. It was a nice place. He could see why Justin wanted to go there. Brian had spent the week alone in his room, just thinking about everything that had happened in the last couple of years. He had doubts about letting Justin go but he knew that it was best. Justin was young. He needed to experience life and to find what it was that he was looking for. Brian would survive. He would go back to being the bastard that he was and fuck anything that moved without a care in the world.

All he needed to do first was to get past the hollow feeling he had in his heart. It seemed that Justin had gotten under Brian’s skin more then he realized. ‘Well,’ Brian thought ‘all in good time.’ The thing that mattered most was that Justin was happy. And now that Justin had his little boyfriend he could live the life that he always wanted.

When Brian got home from Vermont, he took out his cell phone and deleted all his messages without listening to them, and then headed to the diner to see what he missed while he was away. It was almost noon when he got there so no one was around. He figured he would have a cup of coffee and then head over to the comic book store and see what Mikey was up to.

 

*****

Brian was sitting there, drinking his coffee when he heard the door open. He knew who it was without even turning around.

“Brian.” Justin said in a whisper.

“Hey,” Brian replied.

He was shocked to see the dark circles under Justin’s eyes. He looked terrible, like he hadn’t slept in days.

“Brian, I have been calling you for days. How come you didn’t return my calls? I really wanted to talk to you. Do you hate me that much that you couldn't even answer the phone?" Justin had tears glistening in his eyes. He had a speech all planned out on what he was going to say to Brian when he finally got a chance to talk to him, but the sight of Brian in the flesh caused all memory of his rehearsed words to disappear.

“Don’t be such a drama princess. I don’t hate you. You did what you had to do. There were no locks on the doors, remember? There’s nothing to talk about. I hope you’re very happy with your fiddler. I’ll see you around.”

Brian tossed a few bills on the counter to pay for his coffee and walked out. He needed to get away from Justin before he dropped down on his knees and asked him to come home. ‘Where had that come from?’ Brian thought to himself. What was happening to him? He was having feelings he didn’t understand. He had to take a deep breath and get a hold of himself. He couldn’t crumble over this. He was Brian Kinney, prick extraordinaire; he couldn’t let himself have feelings. He didn’t know how to love and he wasn’t going to learn now.

*****

Justin stood in the diner, watching Brian walk away and felt such sadness. How could he have let this happen? How could he have walked away from Brian when he knew there would never be another to take his place? If he was honest with himself, he would have never gotten involved with Ethan to begin with. He knew he didn't love him. Ethan may have said and done all the right things, but he wasn’t Brian. As Justin stood in the middle of the diner, he knew he had to do something. He raced outside and managed to reach the jeep before it pulled away. Brian didn't look pleased.

"What now, Justin?"

Justin took a deep breath before he spoke. "Listen Brian, I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I was upset last week. Seeing you in the back room on the night of the party was hard for me. Ethan showed up and all I could think about was getting away from the pain."

Brian wasn't sure but it sounded like Justin was looking to come back. He didn’t know what to do next. He sent Justin away so that he could be happy. He didn't expect this.

"Sorry is bullshit. Just go back to your fiddler. It's what you wanted, remember? He loves you in ways that I can't. I told you it was your choice where you wanted to be and you made your choice. You chose Ethan. I can't be what you want."

Justin looked lost. He was hurting and Brian wanted to take the pain away, but the reality was that there was nothing he could do.

"Brian, Ethan isn't what I want. I want you. Please don't push me away. Sorry isn't bullshit if it comes from the heart." Justin was crying openly now. He had to make Brian see that they belong together. "Can't we at least go somewhere and talk?"

Brian knew exactly what would happen if they went anywhere to talk. Whether they were together or not, the sexual tension between them was too strong.

"Look, I'm busy. Just say what you want to say, I need to get out of here."

Justin looked at him with the most pained expression and simply said "I just wanted to know what it is about me that is so unlovable." Then he walked away.

End of Part 1

Return to Words Can Not Express