A Matter of Trust

Chapter 5

After that first weekend together, things between Brian and Justin settled into a comfortable routine and by the end of the month they were spending most of their time together. Half their nights were spent at Justin’s apartment, the other at Brian’s loft but no matter where they were when they laid down their heads at night, they were always together. It amazed the two of them how strong their connection was and they were both secretly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

About two months after their meeting the shoe loomed overhead, neither man knew it, but it was there and ready to fall.

Justin was just getting out of the shower on Saturday morning when he heard his cell phone ringing. He wrapped a towel around his waist and raced to the night stand, trying to reach it before it woke up Brian.

“Hello?” he answered softly as he walked out into the living room away from his sleeping lover.

“Hey Justin, I just wanted to make sure you remembered your appointment today. You have to be at the gallery by 11:30. The doors open at noon,” Daphne reminded him.

“I know Daph, I set up the appointment, remember?” Justin sighed in frustration. A few weeks earlier, he had agreed to have a meet and greet at the local art gallery, but now that the day had come, all he wanted to do was curl up in bed with Brian and sleep the day away…among other things.

“Yes, I remember, but it’s my job as your assistant to remind you of these things. I take it Brian’s not going with you.”

“You know he’s not. I wish he could but that might ruin this nice little life I have,” he replied dryly.

“Please, just talk to him before it’s too late. If he cares about you as much as you care about him, he’ll understand,” Daphne said, trying once again to get Justin to see reason.

“And if he doesn’t?”

“Then it’s better to know that now, before you fall hopelessly in love with him.”

“It’s too late for that,” Justin whispered softly.

“Oh Jus…”

“Don’t say another word,” Justin demanded. “Look, I’ve got to go. I’ll call you later and let you know how things go.”

Justin disconnected the called and stared out the window at the city below. He knew Daphne was right. The charade was getting too dangerous. The original plan was to let Brian think he was poor so that he could sit back and have fun with a guy without his money getting in the way, but it had gone so far beyond that. He never imagined that he’d fall in love so quickly and so easily, but he had. Brian made it so easy with his charm and his wit, not to mention his perfect body and flawless face. Before Justin could even really think about the consequences he found himself head over heels and loving every minute of it. Now he had to find a way to tell the man he loved that his whole life was a lie. Everything that he’d told him about his life had been a fabrication, a game he was playing. Would Brian understand? Could anyone understand his need for anonymity? His need to be just an ordinary guy and not some artistic genius, as so many articles had labeled him. He stood there so lost in thought that he never heard Brian approaching and jumped in surprise when a pair of strong arms circled his waist from behind.

“I wish you didn’t have to go. Are you sure you can’t just reschedule?” Brian asked as he placed soft kisses on the back of Justin’s neck.

“I can’t. Believe me; if there was a way I could get out of this and stay in bed with you all day, I’d do it. I promise I’ll only be gone for a few hours. I should be back here no later that four,” Justin replied. He spun around in Brian’s arms, reaching up and pulling the older man in for a deep kiss. “Will you be here when I get back?”

“Yeah, I’m meeting Cynthia for lunch today. She finally got the wedding pictures back and insists on showing me today instead of waiting until the office on Monday. There’s no refusing that woman when she wants something badly enough,” Brian chuckled. “We’re really going to have to set up something so you can meet her. She bugs me about it everyday. She just doesn’t understand that when we’re together, it’s usually in a constant state of undress,” he teased.

“Now Brian, that’s not true. We were dressed last night.”

“Yeah, but only long enough to answer the door for the take out delivery without scaring the poor delivery guy like the last time,” Brian said with a smirk.

“Okay, point taken,” Justin laughed. “You know, I don’t have to leave for another forty minutes. I know I’ve already taken a shower, but I wouldn’t be opposed to taking another one with the right company.”

“Lead the way, I’ll be right behind you,” Brian replied huskily.

“You usually are.” Justin took Brian by the hand and pulled him towards the bathroom, all worries about the future momentarily forgotten as their passion took them far away from reality.

By the time Justin managed to say goodbye to Brian and get out of the loft, he was running almost a half hour late. He raced across town, breaking every traffic law there was and making it to the gallery with ten minutes to spare.

“I’m sorry I’m late,” he said as he walked inside and found David, the gallery owner.

“Justin, I was just about to send out the hounds. I’m glad you made it. We don’t have much time to go over the procedure, but this is what I’d like you to do.”

Justin listened to what was expected of him with as much concentration as he could muster, while he secretly hoped that the afternoon would fly by so he could get back to Brian. It was going to be a long afternoon.

After spending most of their lunch surrounded by wedding photos, Brian was ready to talk about something else. He didn’t begrudge his friend her happiness; he was just tired of looking at hundreds of pictures of the same thing.

“It that it?” He finally asked.

“Yes, that’s it. I’m sorry I bored you so much,” she sighed. “You know, one day we might just be sitting here looking at your wedding photos.”

“As if…first of all, Pennsylvania doesn’t recognize same sex marriages, remember? Besides, I’m a fag; fags don’t get married,” Brian replied almost bitterly.

“Oh Brian, would you please stop with that shit already. If you love someone there’s nothing wrong with standing up in front of friends and family and proclaiming that love. Besides, you probably shouldn’t rule anything out now that you have Justin.”

Brian couldn’t respond because he wasn’t sure what to say. He wasn’t ready to admit that maybe Cynthia was right. Oh, he doubted that he’s ever go as far as Cynthia did, but Justin was becoming more and more important to him as time went on and he was beginning to think that he might have met the one…whatever the hell that meant.

“Speaking of Justin, when am I finally going to meet him? It’s been weeks and you two never seem to be available. I’m beginning to think he’s a figment of your imagination,” she teased.

“Oh, he’s real alright. I have the bite marks to prove it. Wanna see?” Brian stood up and reached for the button of his jeans jokingly.

“That’s okay…I’ll take your word for it,” she giggled. “So, where is your perfect man today?”

“He’s got a work thing he’s doing. I’m meeting him back at the loft around four,” Brian smiled.

“Oh, so you’re free this afternoon? I heard from Phillip that the artist JT is going to be doing a meet and greet at his boyfriend’s gallery. I promised him I’d go and I thought you might want to go with me. You haven’t seen Phillip in ages and we’ve never even met David yet,” Cynthia said.

“JT? That’s the artist who just moved back home to Pittsburgh,” Brian replied more to himself. He’d been so caught up in Justin over the last few weeks that he totally forgot about his night at the gallery when the woman told him about JT’s appearance.

“How do you know?” Cynthia asked.

“I own a JT from his early days and actually bought another one right after my first date with Justin. I just never got around to hanging it.”

“Since when are you into art? Usually you make me buy everything for you,” Cynthia pointed out in confusion.

“I’m not really. There’s just something special about JT that draws me to his work. What time do we have to be there? I’d really like to meet him.” Brian reached for his wallet, ready to pay the bill.

“We can go right now. Phillip and David will be there all afternoon so I just told them I’d stop by. I didn’t think you’d want to go with me.”

“Well, lead the way, beautiful,” Brian replied with a smile as he grabbed the check and headed to the counter.

When Brian and Cynthia walked into the gallery, they were surprised by the amount of people who were there. Apparently JT was very well known, probably from being a local, and everybody who’s anybody turned out to meet him. Brian recognized many of the faces milling about from various business functions and spent the next twenty minutes greeting people as they approached him. Finally Phillip and David appeared at their side.

“Hello Cynthia; and Brian, what a surprise. I didn’t expect to see you here. Guys, this is David,” Phillip said, introducing his friends to his boyfriend proudly.

They both shook David’s hand in greeting before Cynthia turned to Phillip. “Brian’s boyfriend is busy this afternoon so he had a couple of hours to kill. Besides, he apparently has a fascination with the artist.”

“Brian Kinney has a boyfriend? We better alert the media,” Phillip teased.

“Fuck off, Phillip,” Brian snapped, although the smile on his face took out some of the sting of his words.

“Wow, must be serious,” Phillip laughed. “So, you’re a JT fan, huh? Well then, let’s go on over so you can meet him.”

The four of them made their way over to where the artist was standing surrounded by his fans and waited patiently for the crowd to recede. Once some of the bodies cleared away, David had a chance to jump in and get his attention.

“Justin, I’d like you to meet some of Phillip’s friends. This is Cynthia and Brian.”

The room started spinning as Brian looked over and into a pair of very familiar blue eyes. “Justin,” he whispered his voice barely audible.

“Brian,” Justin said in horror as his mind immediately registered the pain in Brian’s dark hazel eyes. “I…I can explain.”

“Don’t bother,” Brian replied bitterly. He stared at Justin a moment longer before turning to Cynthia. “Let’s go.”

Cynthia watched Brian walk away with a mixture of anger and confusion. It wasn’t hard to figure out that JT was Brian’s Justin. What she couldn’t understand was the anger and betrayal she saw on Brian’s face. Obviously Justin had been keeping a secret or two from Brian, but hadn’t he done the same thing?

“I’d better go after him,” Cynthia said quietly. She turned to walk away but stopped when she felt a hand on her arm.

“Cynthia, please tell him how sorry I am,” Justin pleaded, his eyes brimming with tears.

“I will,” she assured him, forcing what she hoped would be a comforting smile on her face.

Justin watched Cynthia walk away in the direction Brian had just taken and shuddered at the implications of what had just transpired. The game was finally over, and in the end he lost the man that he loved, just like Daphne had predicted.

“Did we miss something?” David finally asked, completely confused by the scene he just witnessed.

Justin forced down the lump in his throat before replying. “Um…I need to take a break. I’ll be back in fifteen.” Without waiting for a response, Justin walked away from the concerned stares of David and Phillip and made his way to the bathroom. Locking the door behind him he walked over to the sick and turned on the water, waiting for the right temperature before splashing some on his face. His mind kept replaying the look of betrayal in Brian’s eyes and Justin’s heart shattered as reality set in. Brian was gone and by the look of things, he was gone for good. Grabbing the sink with both hands, he looked at himself in the mirror with disgust. Deep down inside, he knew that he was working on borrowed time. He knew that eventually his double life would fall down around his feet. He just didn’t know that when it happened it would hurt so much.

“Brian! Brian, will you slow down?” Cynthia called as she tried to catch up to her friend. They were walking down the sidewalk but with Brian’s long legs, she was having trouble reaching him. “Brian Kinney, stop walking away from me!”

Brian heard Cynthia calling him but he couldn’t bring himself to stop. The pain that was gripping his chest was too much and he needed to get away. “I’ve got to go,” he called over his shoulder, hoping that she would just let him be.

“Are you alright?” she called back as she managed to get a little closer. She stopped short when Brian turned around and she saw the hint of tears that were pooling in his eyes.

“Do I look alright?” He barked. “I’ll call you later.”

And then he was gone, picking up the pace to a jog and disappearing around the corner, leaving Cynthia standing there with her own tears in her eyes.

Brian wasn’t sure how long he walked the downtown streets before he made it back to the car and sank inside. He peeled out of the parking lot and drove back to the loft, trying to force his mind to focus on anything but Justin. It almost worked until he walked into the loft and suddenly realized how much of Justin was scattered though out the place. Every corner of every room held some item or distinct memory of Justin and Brian wondered how the blond had managed to leave his mark on his life in such a powerful way. It was obvious that he couldn’t stay there anymore, not with so many happy memories flashing through his head, constantly reminding him of all that he had lost in the blink of an eye. He looked around one last time and walked out the door, refusing to look back as he said goodbye to his past life.

Justin didn’t think he would make it through that rest of the afternoon, but as any good professional, he did just that and was happy when it was finally time to go. He got in his mother’s car and started driving around aimlessly with no destination in mind. He was trying to run from the visions of Brian that were plaguing his thoughts, but it wasn’t possible. He knew he had to do something but he wasn’t sure what until he pulled up outside Brian’s building. He needed to see the man he loved. He needed a chance to explain everything to him and try to make him see how sorry he was and how much Brian meant to him. He didn’t see Brian’s car parked out front, but went inside anyway, hoping that he would return soon and listen to what he had to say.

As he walked inside, Justin looked around and the enormity of the situation set in. Everything that he and Brian had built between them over time was gone and Justin was terrified that he wouldn’t be able to get it back. His legs buckled beneath him and he fell to the floor as he gave into the sobs that had been threatening to over take him. He stayed on the floor for what seemed like forever until he finally found the strength to pull out his cell phone and call the one person who he knew he could count on to help him.

“Hey Justin, how’d it go?” Daphne asked as she answered the phone.

“I’ve lost him.”

Daphne heard the anguish in Justin’s voice and didn’t have to ask what had happened. She knew that somehow Brian had found out about Justin’s charade and the pain that was so clearly evident in her friend’s voice broke her heart. “Tell me where you are and I’ll be right there.”

Justin gave Daphne directions to the loft as best as he could and then disconnected the call and waited for his friend to arrive. Everything that happened after that was all a blur. A short time later, he heard Daphne come inside, felt her helping him down to the car, and saw that she had taken him home, but it was as if he was watching it all happen to someone else. His mind and body had shut down and his brain barely registered his surroundings. He was vaguely aware of being helped into bed and welcomed the sweet feeling of nothingness as he drifted off to sleep from sheer exhaustion.

Brian spent the rest of the weekend locked inside his bedroom. The phone rung constantly, but he chose to ignore it and by Sunday afternoon had taken it off the hook. There was no one he wanted to talk to anymore anyway. Now that he knew that Justin wasn’t who he claimed to be, nothing else seemed to hold any interest to him. By Monday morning his plans had been made and he tried to escape without alerting Cynthia to what he was doing, but luck wasn’t on his side. Just as he was loading his suitcases into his car, she pulled into the driveway and barely put the car in park before jumping out and confronting him.

“You asshole, I’ve been trying to call you all weekend!” She exclaimed angrily before realizing what Brian was doing. “Bri, where are you going?”

“I’m going to Paris. It’s beautiful there this time of year,” Brian replied casually as he continued his task.

“You’re running away? You can’t do that. Have you even talked to Justin?” she asked, although she already knew the answer.

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“How can you say that? You love him and if the pain in his eyes was any indication, he loves you too. Please don’t do this. You can’t just run away at the first sign of trouble,” Cynthia pleaded.

“I don’t love him,” Brian spat angrily. “I don’t even know him. And if he loved me so much he wouldn’t have lied to me all this time. Do you have any idea who JT is? He’s one of the most famous artists in the United States and even in some parts of Europe, too. Shit Cyn, he’s worth almost as much as I am. Some starving artist.”

“But Brian, what about you? You’ve been lying to him all this time, too. He thinks you’re an executive at Ryder. You’re not exactly an innocent in all of this either. Talk to him…find a way to work this out. Maybe he has a valid reason for misleading you.”

“It doesn’t matter. What we have…had was based on lies. I know I’m not an expert on this shit, but I’m pretty sure that if you build a relationship based on lies, it’ll never work out,” Brian replied.

“But you won’t know that unless you talk to him. He’s too important to you for you to give up and walk away.”

“But that’s just it! Don’t you understand?” Brian yelled, his eyes blazing with anger and pain. “I can’t do this Cyn. I can’t invest anymore of myself into this. It hurts too much. I’ve spent so many years avoiding any sort of relationship because I didn’t trust anyone and when I finally give in, look what happens.”

“Oh Brian, love isn’t easy, but it’s better than shutting yourself off from ever experiencing it. Please, just think about it before running away,” Cynthia pleaded again, ignoring the tears that were trailing down both her and Brian’s face.

Brian wiped away his stray tears and cursed himself for allowing things to go as far as they did with Justin. “I’ve got a plane to catch. I’ll call you soon.” Brian jumped in the car and started the engine, glancing at Cynthia one last time before pulling out of the driveway and heading towards the airport and whatever the future brought him.

Daphne walked into Justin’s office on Monday morning and was surprised to find him working diligently at his desk. He’d locked himself away for the rest of the weekend and refused to talk to anyone, so she assumed she would be working alone at least for a few days.

“Hey, I didn’t expect to see you here this morning,” she said as she approached his desk.

“Daph, I have responsibilities that can’t be ignored,” Justin replied emotionlessly.

“How’re you doing? Are you feeling any better?”

“What do you think?” Justin spat. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a lot of work to do.”

Daphne was taken back by Justin’s attitude, but tried not to hold it against him. She knew how much he was hurting and longed to take the pain away, but there was only one person who had the ability to do that and as far as she knew, Justin hadn’t spoken to him. “Okay, I’ll be in my office if you need me.”

Justin waited until Daphne was out of the room before sighing in frustration. He didn’t want to take his anger and pain out on her, but he couldn’t put on a happy face and pretend that everything was alright. It wasn’t and unless Brian gave in, answered his phone, and listened to what Justin had to say, it never would be. He pushed those thoughts aside and re-focused on the computer monitor in front of him.

He continued to sit there for the next few hours as he read article after article about the man who he had so hopelessly fallen in love with. By noon he knew just about everything there was to know about the great Brian Kinney. It amazed him that he hadn’t heard of the man before. A self made millionaire was someone who normally got lost in the crowd. At first Justin fumed at the audacity of the man. He had a lot of nerve pushing Justin away for doing the exact same thing that he had done himself. But then Justin thought back to the day in the coffeehouse. Brian had asked him about his work and Justin had told him he was a starving artist. From experience he knew how quickly someone with money was ready to hide from those less fortunate. That was his reason for his lie to begin with. He didn’t want to be looked at as a meal ticket. If Brian thought that Justin was really down on his luck, self preservation might have kicked in causing him to lie about himself. It made them both out to be a couple of idiots, but it also confirmed Justin’s belief that if he could some how speak to Brian, he could make him understand why he did what he did and maybe fix the mess they were in. Justin had called Brian’s cell phone all weekend but it always went right to voice mail meaning that Brian had it shut off.

He reached for the phone again, but once again his call was sent right to voicemail. Making a quick decision, Justin decided to leave a message. Brian was bound to check his messages occasionally and it was the only way Justin could think of to get his thoughts across. Justin listened to Brian’s voice, telling him to leave a message and took a deep breath while he waited for the beep.

“It’s Justin. I can see that you’re not going to take my calls, so I’m just going to say what I have to say here. I’m so incredibly sorry I lied to you, but you have to know what it’s like to fear people and their intentions. When I met you…I just wanted to remember what it’s like to have someone want me for me…not my money. I know you lied to me too, but I also know that if I had been honest with you in the first place, you probably would’ve been, too. Believe me, if I knew how important you were going to become to me, I would’ve done things differently. Well, I guess that’s all I have to say. You know how to reach me.” Justin was about to hang up when he quickly added. “Oh by the way, I love you.”

Once that was done, Justin threw himself into his work hoping to keep his mind off of Brian for more than two minutes at a time.

When Brian finally walked into his hotel suite he was exhausted and felt like he had been traveling for days. He told the concierge where to put his suitcases and walked over to the window, looking out at the city below.

“Will there be anything else monsieur?”

“No, that will be all,” Brian replied as he tipped the guy and sent him on his way. He just wanted to be alone as he tried to figure out what his plans were for the future. He really enjoyed spending the last month working in advertising. It had been awhile since he really used his ability to create campaigns, but he was beginning to think that he wanted to get back into the thick of things again.

He walked over to the bed and grabbed his jacket, pulling his cell phone out of the pocket. He had it turned off during his travels, but knew that he couldn’t keep himself closed off from the world for long. He had too many responsibilities for that. As soon as he turned it on the phone alerted him that he had two voicemails. He sighed in resignation and punched in his code to retrieve them. The first one had been from Cynthia, once again begging him to stop running away. She just didn’t understand and he wasn’t about to try to explain it to her again. His heart jumped up in his throat when he realized the second one was from Justin. He was about to delete it without listening, but the sound of Justin’s voice pulled him in and he found he had to listen. By the end of the message, his eyes were brimming with tears and he needed some air. He went to delete the message, but found himself hitting the save button instead. He wasn’t ready to delete the only reminder he had of the blond. Not yet. Maybe in a day or two.

On Tuesday Justin sat at his desk and stared at the phone for three hours until he finally gave in and reached for the phone. This time, instead of going right to voicemail, the phone rang first, but eventually he sat and listened to Brian’s voice telling him once again to leave a message. He patiently waited for the beep.

“Hey, it’s me again. I guess you’re still not talking to me. Well, I just wanted to say that I miss you. Its funny how we haven’t known each other for very long but suddenly I can’t stand a day without you. Okay…well, um…later.”

With the phone call made, Justin was ready to get some work done. It may not have been the ideal situation, but for some reason, talking to Brian’s voicemail made him feel a little bit better.

On Wednesday, Justin didn’t even bother thinking about it. He just reached for the phone and placed his call.

“Hey, how’s everything going? How’s work? Are you even working? I guess we really don’t know that much about each other, huh? I’ve been putting in some long hours in my studio. It’s amazing how much heartache can inspire someone to create. Well, again…you know how to reach me. Please call me so we can talk. Or at least so I know that you’re okay. Later.”

Justin smiled for the first time in days after he hung up the phone. Maybe he was losing his mind, but he really felt better babbling into the phone. It made him feel like they were still in contact, although he wasn’t even sure if Brian was getting his messages. All he could do was hope for the best.

On Thursday, Justin got an important phone call from Random House and as soon as he hung up he reached for the phone. He needed to call Brian and tell him all about it.

“Hey, guess what? I got good news today. They finally have a release date for the first book in my series. Did I tell you I was writing and illustrating a series of children’s books? Oh…right…I guess not. Well I am and Random House finally gave me a release date. I am so excited. I can’t wait to see the finished product. Well, anyway…I miss you. Later.”

Justin sighed after hanging up. What he would give to be able to have Brian there to celebrate with him.

And that’s the way things went from there. Justin called Brian everyday, telling him all about what was going on in his life, or just letting the other man know that he was missed. It was silly…childish even. He knew he should probably just give up and move on, but he couldn’t. He wasn’t ready to give up on a future with Brian, even if the man never answered the phone or returned his calls.

Brian was doing his best to enjoy Paris, but it wasn’t really working. The only bright spot in his days were the calls from Justin. He expected them to eventually stop, but Justin was relentless and after almost a month, they still came everyday like clockwork. Brian would hear his phone ringing and race to it, just to listen to it ring until the voicemail picked it up. Then he waited until the alert told him the message was waiting before listening to it over and over again. He knew it was crazy. He should just answer the damn thing, but he couldn’t. He wasn’t really to open himself up just yet. In fact, he wasn’t sure if he’d ever be ready, but it didn’t stop him from longing for those daily messages.

He talked to Cynthia about three times a week and she still pleaded with him every so often to go home, but she didn’t know about the phone calls. She just assumed that both men were being foolish and moving on with their lives.

Finally about six weeks after his arrival in Paris, six weeks where Brian hadn’t had any sexual release except for his right hand, Brian decided to go out and find a trick. It had been awhile since he’d been out on the prowl since Justin had taken up most of his time while they were together and he was ready for something new. The only problem was that nobody seemed to interest him. Nobody had soft blond hair, deep blue eyes, an amazing ass…nobody was Justin. Giving up on finding anyone, Brian headed back to his hotel and waited for his call from Justin, but it never came. He knew that there was a six hour time difference, but it was already three in the morning, which meant that it was nine at night in Pittsburgh. Justin always called him during the day and he really started worrying when he hadn’t heard from him by five. Without thinking about what he was going to say, Brian dialed Justin’s number and waited for him to answer.

“Hello?” Justin answered groggily. When all he heard was breathing on the other end of the line, he sat up in bed and turned on the light, glancing at his caller ID. His heart skipped a beat when he realized it was Brian. “Brian, are you there?”

“You didn’t call,” Brian replied softly.

“What?”

“You didn’t call me today,” he repeated.

“I was beginning to wonder if I was just wasting my time. I wasn’t even sure if you were listening to my messages. You could’ve called me, you know. I was getting ready to give up on us,” Justin sighed.

“Don’t give up,” Brian whispered before disconnecting the call. He still wasn’t ready to talk to Justin, but he knew he also wasn’t ready to let go.

Justin sat there and stared at the phone long after the line went dead with a smile on his face. He wasn’t exactly sure what Brian expected of him, but knowing that there was still a chance helped mend a small part of his broken heart. He eventually put down the phone and curled back up under the covers, willing himself to go back to sleep. After all, he had a phone call to make in the morning.


End of part 5
05/04/05

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