12 Steps to Happiness

Part 9
 

It had been four weeks since the first AA meeting, and things were finally starting to settle down. It was hard for Justin in the beginning, but he held on to the fact that Brian was there for him and managed to get through without slipping up. Every time he felt the overwhelming need to have a drink, all he had to do was think about all Brian had put on hold for him, and he knew he couldn't let the older man down. After the first couple of weeks, he started going to the meetings alone, trying to prove that he could do it on his own. One night, after an especially emotional meeting, Justin walked into his apartment to overhear Brian on the phone.

"I told you, Gardner, I can't make it back yet. As soon as things settle down here, I will come home, but until then, this is the way it has to be. There are more important things in my life other that business," Brian explained, his agitation evident in his voice.

Justin couldn't help the happiness he felt from hearing Brian say that he was more important that his work. He knew that it was time to send Brian back to the life he left behind. He would just have to find a way to get through the rest of his days without his constant support. Knowing that he mattered so much would just have to be enough. Waiting until Brian hung up the phone, Justin decided to confront him right away.

"Brian,"

"Justin, I didn't hear you come in. How did it go tonight?" Brian asked as he rose and walked over to Justin, placing a soft kiss on his lips.

"Oh, the usual. A bunch of drunks replaying the misery of the past," Justin teased. He was always trying to make a joke of the meetings, trying to lighten the severity of the situation.

"Justin," Brian replied, dryly.

"I know, Brian. I know," Justin laughed, knowing how much Brian hated it when he made jokes. "I heard you on the phone. You need to go home, Brian. Vanguard needs you."

"What about you? Do you need me?" Brian asked, hoping he didn't sound as desperate as he felt.

"I'll always need you, Brian, but you put your life on hold for me and now it's time to get back to it. I will be fine here," Justin assured him. The only problem was that his voice was thick with emotion, belying his assurance.

"I told you before. You are more important right now. Vanguard can wait forever if they have to. I want to be here for you," Brian admitted.

"Thank you, Brian. If only you could have...never mind," Justin couldn't allow himself to play the what if game. It was just too painful.

"If only I could have felt that way last year? I did, I just didn't know how to tell you that. I'm sorry about that."

"Sorry is bullshit, Brian," Justin joked, throwing Brian's words back in his face. "But you still need to go back home and restart your life. Don't worry about me. I'll be here, sober, trying to find a life of my own."

"What are your plans?" Brian asked, wondering what Justin had planned to do next.

"Well, I guess I'll have to find a job and start living again. Daphne is getting pretty serious with the guy she's been seeing and I don't want to hold her back by making her think that she needs to watch over me. It's about time I started taking steps to support myself," Justin explained, pushing away the fear of being left behind.

"Why don't you come home with me?" Brian asked, startling them both.

"Go home with you?"

"Yeah, come back to the Pitts. You have nothing holding you here, and I'm sure everyone would love to have you back. You can stay at the loft for as long as you want, or stay with Debbie if you would rather not stay with me," Brian added, noticing a dark cloud appear on Justin's face.

"But no one knows..."

"They don't have to, either, if you don't want them to. You're a grown man, Justin. What you went through while you were here is none of their business unless you want it to be. It's your call," Brian could feel his heart fluttering while he waited for Justin's decision. He knew that he did have to get back eventually, but didn't feel comfortable leaving his favorite blond behind.

"Brian, you do know that I'm not your responsibility, right? You didn't cause me to do this. I let it happen. I am the only one to blame in all of this," Justin said, hating that Brian was feeling guilty for what had happened.

"I know, Justin. I'm not asking you to come back with me out of guilt. I'm asking because I...I want you there with me," Brian admitted. He did feel guilty about what had happened, but he also knew that he wanted Justin close to him, for his own selfish reasons. He was too used to having the man in his arms at night.

"Are you sure?"

"Have I ever done anything that I didn't want to do?"

"I guess not," Justin admitted. "Will you come with me to one more meeting before we head back? There's one thing I have to do before going home."

Brian liked the sound of Justin calling the loft home. "Anything for you, Sunshine."

The next night, Brian and Justin were sitting in the meeting, waiting for Manny to finish his opening speech. Justin had called him earlier in the day and told him of his plans to go home with Brian. The older man was worried, but understood Justin's need to get back to his old life. They had promised to stay in touch. Justin was brought out of his thoughts when he heard Manny mention his name.

"Tonight, we have a fairly new member who would like to say a few words. Justin, the floor is yours."

Justin rose from his chair, noticing the strange look Brian was giving him and couldn't help but smile. This was the first time he ever got up to tell his story, and as scared as he was, he knew he needed to do it.

He took his place at the microphone and smiled at Brian before he began. "My name is Justin, and I'm an alcoholic."

"Hi Justin," The crowd greeted back.

"I've been coming to these meetings for about a month now, and I have to say that in all that time, I feel like I've gotten to know a lot of you pretty well. The support you all offer is amazing and for that I wanted to say thank you. I am moving back to my hometown at the end of the week, but I felt that before I left, I needed to share my story with all of you. About a year ago, I was faced with the toughest decision of my life. I had to decide whether to stay in a relationship that wasn't giving me what I thought I needed or to walk away and never look back. I chose to walk away. It felt like the right thing to do at the time. I immediately moved away from most of my friends and my family, figuring it would be easier to start over in another state. I was wrong. It started out simple, a couple of drinks here and there to help me get past the pain of what I had left behind. Eventually, the couple of drinks weren't enough and I started sinking deeper and deeper. Of course I never noticed it, so things just went from bad to worse. Eventually, my best friend contacted the man I left behind and told him what was going on. I was furious when he showed up at my door. I resented her for making the call and I resented him for thinking that I couldn't run my own life. The only problem was that he was right, I just couldn't see it at the time. It got so bad that when this man tried to talk some sense in me, I pushed him down a flight of stairs and could have killed him," Justin had to stop for a minute, trying to pull his emotions together. He could feel Brian's eyes burning a hole in him, but couldn't bring himself to make eye contact with him.

"Thank God, he was okay. He only suffered a sprained ankle and a concussion. I don't know what I would have done if..." His voice cracked with emotion. "Anyway, it took a few more days, but I finally began to see what everyone else was seeing. I was starting to see how much my drinking was hurting those around me, and I was shocked. I couldn't believe that I had become this person and I hated myself for that. Luckily, Manny was there for me and helped me admit to myself, and those around me, that I was an alcoholic. I don't know what I would have done if he wasn't the wonderful person that he is. It wasn't easy. I've been struggling with my inner demons for weeks now, trying to figure out how I ended up where I did, but I know now that no matter how hard life is, drinking is never the answer. So now I am going back to the life I left behind to try to put things back together again. I just wanted to say to everyone in this room, especially the new faces, that no matter how dark your future looks, you have the strength to make it better. You just have to keep working at it, and that's what I plan to do. I will overcome this and be a better person because of it. Thank you for welcoming me into your lives and I wish you all the best," Justin concluded, walking back towards his seat while everyone clapped and cheered him. He found Brian standing in the aisle waiting for him.

"And I'll be there every step of the way," Brian assured him, taking him in his arms.

"Thank you, Brian," Justin replied with emotion, hugging him back.

An hour later, the meeting ended and people started coming up to Justin to wish him well. Brian stood in the back of the room, watching the scene before him, and never heard Manny approach him.

"He's going to be just fine."

Brian looked into Manny's face and tried to read what he was thinking. "Do you really think so? What if I hurt him again? What happens if I can't be who he wants me to be?"

"You already are, Brian. You are exactly who he wants you to be. All you have to do is let him see that person," Manny replied with a smile.

"And what person is that?" Brian asked, curious as to what Manny was implying.

"The person who loves him, and would do anything for him. The person who wants him to be a part of his life. That's who you are, isn't it, Brian?"

Brian shrugged his shoulders in response, but said nothing so Manny continued.

"That's all he wants. Trust me, I know. We have spent a lot of time talking in the last few weeks. He told me all about what went on in Pittsburgh. How he managed to make you break all your rules and let him stay. How you gave him more than you ever gave anybody. He said he was asking for too much and that it was all his fault things didn't work out because he should have been happy with what he had," Manny explained, watching Brian's reaction to his news.

"It wasn't all his fault," Brian replied dryly, trying to absorb what Manny had just told him. Could that be what caused Justin to start drinking? Was he feeling guilty, blaming himself for what had happened between them?

"I didn't think it was, but apparently he does. Look, Brian, what happens between you two is none of my business. I like Justin, and I like you, too. I think you both need to talk about what happened and find a way to work things out. You love each other and that's all that matters. The rest is irrelevant. Just think about what I am saying, and if either of you need anything, I'm only a phone call away," Manny assured him, walking away with a smile.

Brian thought about what Manny had said. He wondered if he would be able to do what the older man suggested. Could Manny possibly be right? Could he already be the man that Justin wants? His thoughts were interrupted by the man in question.

"Hey, are you ready to go?" Justin asked with a sad smile.

"Are you alright?" Brian asked, noticing the sadness in the normally bright blue eyes.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I guess I'm just going to miss everyone here. They've all been so nice to me and I didn't feel like such a failure while I was here," Justin explained, looking around at the room of friendly faces.

"You're not a failure, Justin. I wouldn't waste my time with failures," Brian replied, taking him by the hand and leading him out the door.

The drive back to the apartment was made in silence, each man lost in thought. When they entered the apartment, Daphne was there waiting for them.

"Hey guys, how'd it go tonight?" Daphne asked with interest. She and Justin had spoken earlier in the day and she knew how sad he was to be leaving everyone behind, but she was beginning to think that there was something else was bothering him.

"It was okay. I got to say good bye to everyone. Now all I have to do is finish packing and we'll be one our way. I'm going to go take a shower and go to bed. I'm pretty tired," Justin said, kissing Daphne and Brian before heading up to the shower.

"Is he alright?" Daphne asked as soon as he was out of the room.

"I'm not sure, but I plan to find out. Good night, Daphne," Brian replied, kissing her cheek before heading up after Justin.

Justin was standing under the spray of the shower, allowing the water to wash away some of his fears when he heard the door open and close. After a minute he heard the shower curtain being pulled back and knew he wasn't alone.

"You're just in time. I can't reach my back," Justin said, handing the soap to Brian over his shoulder without turning around.

Brian grabbed the soap and began washing Justin's back without saying anything. He paid special attention to his lower back and ass, then allowed his hands to reach around and soap up the semi hard cock he found there. Hearing Justin moan at his touch caused his own cock to stiffen and he took a step closer, pulling the blonde's body to his.

"Are you going to tell me what's really wrong?" Brian whispered in Justin's ear as he stroked his cock.

"Noth...nothings...wrong," Justin replied, feeling the heat building inside of him at Brian's touch.

"Try again, Sunshine. I know you better than that. I'm on to you, too. Is it because you are leaving your new friends behind?"

"No."

"Is it because you are afraid of everyone back home finding out about the drinking?"

"No."

"Then what's wrong?" Brian asked, releasing the hardened cock and turning Justin around. He couldn't figure out what had him so upset. He was sure it had to be either leaving everyone behind or facing those waiting for him.

"Nothing is wrong, now leave it alone!" Justin exclaimed, shutting off the water and climbing out. He grabbed a towel and quickly wrapped it around him as he opened the door and made a fast exit, leaving Brian speechless.

A few minutes later, Brian walked into the bedroom to find Justin lying in bed, facing the wall. He dropped his clothes in the laundry pile and removed his towel, climbing into bed and spooning Justin. He waited a moment to see if the younger man was going to offer any information, and when all he received was silence, he spoke softly.

"Justin, please talk to me. Tell me what's really bothering you."

"What if I can't do it? I don't want to disappoint you, Brian. I don't think I can handle that," Justin admitted quietly.

"You won't disappoint me," Brian replied.

"But..."

"Trust me, Justin. You could never disappoint me," Brian assured him, pulling him tighter.

They stayed like that, in each other's arms, until they both drifted off to sleep, lost in the thoughts of what the future held for them.

End of part 9

1/24/04

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