12 Steps to Happiness

Part 6
 

Justin sat in silence watching the scenery go by and thinking about what he was about to do. Brian was right. His drinking was a problem, and he realized that he needed to do something about it. He looked over at Manny and wondered why the older man was determined to help him. They were co-workers for almost a year and got along well, but were never what Justin would call friends. Now here he was, trying to help Justin get his life together. When he realized they were getting closer to the apartment, Justin felt the fear of facing Brian grow. He quietly gave Manny directions and moments later they pulled up in front of his complex.

“Do you want me to go in with you, or would you rather do this alone?” Manny asked, not wanting to crowd the younger man.

“Would you mind coming in? I have been having a problem with putting my foot in my mouth these days and I could use the support. Brian is going to be really pissed that I snuck off while he was sleeping again.” Justin explained, ashamed by his recent behavior.

“I think he’s just going to be happy that you are okay, but sure. I told you that I am here for you and I meant it. Let’s go.” Manny said as he got out of the car.

When Justin walked inside, the first thing he saw was Brian sitting on the couch with his leg resting on the coffee table, reading a book. He looked sad and Justin knew he put that look on his face. He waited for Brian to acknowledge his presence and was surprised when he ignored him and continued to read the book in his hand.

“Brian, I’m home.” Justin said tentatively, waiting for a response. The older man never even looked up. He turned around and looked at Manny for guidance. Manny silently encouraged him to continue.

“Sorry I was gone so long. I guess I just needed some time to myself to think about things. Were you okay here by yourself?” He asked, hoping to get Brian’s attention.

“Would it matter if I wasn’t?” Brian barked, finally looking up into Justin’s eyes. He saw an older man standing there beside Justin and felt a small twinge of jealously, but pushed it aside. He didn’t know who the man was but after observing the two of them he had a feeling that there wasn’t anything between them other than friendship.

“Brian, that’s not fair. I said I was sorry that I was gone so long. What else do you want from me?” Justin asked, feeling his anger build. He was trying to do the right thing, but he could feel Brian’s walls back in place and he didn’t have the strength to deal with them right now.

“What do I want from you? You have got to be kidding! How about the truth?” Brian was mad. He managed to stand up, needing to feel some control over the situation.

“Brian, shouldn’t you be sitting down? Your ankle…” Justin took a step forward to help Brian, but stopped by the anger he saw in his eyes.

“Fuck my ankle, Justin! Why did you take off like that and where the fuck did you go? I thought we were trying to work things out and the minute my eyes are closed, you bolt. I don’t need this shit! I have a life in Pittsburgh and I’ll be damned if I am going to put it all on hold so I can sit here while you go out drinking your troubles away! I am leaving tomorrow so you won’t have to worry about running away from me anymore!” Brian let his rage out, ignoring the look of fear in Justin’s eyes.

“Your leaving?” Justin said, trying to hold back his tears.

“Is there any reason for me to stay?” Brian asked, noticing the look Justin gave to the man standing beside him. He saw the man nod his head at Justin, encouraging him to continue and waited for a response.

Justin took a deep breath and looked directly in Brian’s eyes as he said what he knew he needed to say. “I have a drinking problem and I need you to help me.”

Brian stood still for a moment, letting Justin’s words sink in. He couldn’t speak past the lump in his throat. He did the only thing he could do at that moment. He opened his arms and was rewarded when Justin came into them, sobbing softly on Brian’s chest. He held the man tight while he expressed his feelings.

“I am so sorry, Brian. I didn’t know what I was doing. I never realized that I had a problem. I thought I was doing okay. I just needed a drink now and then to get past the pain. Pretty soon I just needed more and more. I was so lonely and I missed you so much that I felt like I was drowning. I should have called you, but I figured you didn’t want to have anything to do with me after what I did. I just needed to make the pain go away. It wouldn’t go away.” Justin sobbed, unable to hold back the tears.

“Shhh, it’s okay. I’m here for you and I’m not going anywhere. We will work this out together, I promise.” Brian replied as he continued to console Justin, hoping to calm his fears. He looked up into the older man’s face and motioned for him to take a seat. Brian really wanted to know who he was and what his connection was to Justin. It was obvious that it wasn’t a drinking buddy by the compassion he had in his eyes when he looked at Justin.

Justin slowly started to calm down. He pulled back and wiped his eyes, embarrassed by his break down. He helped Brian sit down on the couch and took a seat next to him, taking his hand, seeking courage to go on.

“Brian, this is Manny. He’s a waiter at the restaurant where I worked. He found me at the bar and convinced me to go to the beach to talk. When I left here earlier, I was only going to have one drink, I swear. Before I knew it, I was gone for five hours and I knew I messed up again. I didn’t mean for it to happen. I only wanted to calm my nerves. As I talked to Manny, I realized how bad things were. Hearing myself explain everything that has happened in the last year made me see what you and Daphne have been trying to show me. It was like a light went off in my mind. I don’t know what to do next, but I do know that I have to do something. I know that I have a problem and that I need help.” Justin looked at Manny, thankful that the man cared enough to help.

“It’s nice to meet you, Brian. I wish it could have been under better circumstances. I hope you don’t mind my being here, but Justin felt he needed some support. I know what he’s going through. I was just like him about fifteen years ago. My life was a mess and the only way to get through each day was to drink myself into a stupor so I wouldn’t have to deal with it. I had a good friend trying to help me, but I refused to see what he saw. Unfortunately, by the time I could admit that maybe there was a problem, it was too late. He was killed by a drunk driver. I vowed never to drink again. It wasn’t easy for me, and I’m sure it won’t be easy for Justin either, but it was all worth it. I have been sober for almost fifteen years now and my life has never been better. I still have many regrets, but I‘ve learned to live with them without the help of alcohol.” Manny explained, wanted both Brian and Justin to understand that this wasn’t only about trying to help a friend. This was about trying to save a friend from the same mistakes he had lived through himself.

“Wow, Manny. I never knew you were an alcoholic? I’m sorry about your friend. That must have been really hard, losing someone you cared about like that.” Justin said with compassion.

“The hardest part was living with the fact that I was the drunk driver that was behind the wheel. I watched him die in my arms and knew that I had to stop drinking, if not for myself, then for him. I promised him that night that I would sober up and get my life together. There is not a day that goes by when I don’t think about him and how my weakness killed him. I learned to forgive myself, but I will never forget.” Manny looked away for a moment, trying to pull himself together. When he looked back at Justin he saw sadness in his face and knew he got his message across. He didn’t want to upset him, he just wanted him to see what could happen if Justin continued down the path he was on.

Justin looked at his friend and wished he could take away the pain he heard in his voice. Then he thought of how he had unknowingly hurt Brian because of one of his drinking binges and went cold inside at the thought of how he could have seriously injured the man he loved. He wouldn’t have been able to live with himself if anything had happened to Brian, especially if he was the cause. “Manny, I don’t know what to say.” Justin replied honestly.

“Just say that you will do whatever it takes to get help. It’s not going to be easy. In fact it will probably be the hardest thing you have ever done, but you need to get control of your life before it’s too late. Don’t do it for me or for Brian, do it for yourself.” Manny got up, wanting to give Justin some time alone with Brian. He walked over to where the two men were sitting, hands still linked together, and addressed Brian directly. “He needs you right now. If you can’t commit to him, you need to walk away now, before he starts his recovery. Otherwise, losing you midway could cause a relapse that is ten times worse than where he is now.”

“I’m not going anywhere. I will be here for as long as he needs me.” Brian said without hesitation. He would figure out a way to work out of New Jersey for awhile until Justin was strong enough to handle things on his own. Justin needed to be his main focus for the time being and he wasn’t about to let him down.

“I was hoping you would say that.” Manny smiled as he pulled a business card out of his wallet. He had them made up when he started running the local AA meetings, finding it easier to offer help to people when they needed it by passing on his card. “The next few days will probably be the worst. Give me a call on my cell phone if you need me. That address is where we hold our meetings. I would suggest Justin attended at least one meeting a day. If you call the office number after hours, a recording will give you meeting times. If I don’t hear from either one of you by the end of the week, I’ll stop by and check on things.”

“Thank you, Manny. I appreciate what you are doing for Justin.” Brian’s voice was full of emotion. He was touched by the obvious concern the older man had for Justin.

“I’ll walk you out, Manny.” Justin stated as he stood up and headed to the door. Once they were outside, he stopped and turned to look Manny in the eyes. “Thank you for being there. I don’t know what I would have done without you tonight. I tend to forget reason after I start drinking.” Justin explained, still feeling a little ashamed by the way his life turned out.

“Anytime, Justin. I will always be here for you. You are a good kid who just needs a little help getting his life back under control. Lean on me and I will show you the way.” Manny assured him.

“Do you think I can do it? I agreed to work on things with Brian last night and look what happened today?” Justin pointed out, feeling a sense of panic at letting the older man down.

“Justin, it’s all up to you. If you really want to help yourself, I have no doubt that you can do it. The first step is admitting that you have a problem and you’ve already done that. Now you need to take a look around you and see what you have to lose if you don’t make some changes. From what you told me, Daphne has been through a lot with you this last year. How long do you think she will be able to live with your problems before it starts affecting her directly? Then there is Brian. That man in there loves you. This is your second chance to have a life with him. Do you want to throw that away?” Manny wanted to make Justin see all that he had to give him an added push.

“Brian doesn’t love me, Manny. He doesn’t believe in love.” Justin said softly.

“Oh, yeah? Then why is he here? Justin think about what I said, okay? I’ll talk to you soon, and remember. Call me if you need me, no matter what time it is.” Manny hugged the younger man and walked away, leaving Justin with a lot to think about.

When Justin walked back into the apartment and found Brian lying on the couch. When he saw Justin approach, he held out his arms and Justin went to him willingly. They held each other, both lost in thought until Justin found his voice.

“Brian, I really am sorry for everything, and before you say anything, just hear me out. I know you think sorry is bullshit, but I mean it. I am sorry for what happened with Ethan. I am sorry for walking away like I did last year and I’m sorry for being so weak that you had to put your life on hold to come here to rescue me. I really thought that I would be better off away from Pittsburgh. I never imagined that I would end up where I am.” Justin admitted, once again feeling tears building behind his eyes. He needed to find a way to control his emotions.

“Justin, a lot of people end up in places they never thought they would be. The important thing is that you realize your mistakes and fix them. It’s never to late to make things right.” Brian told him, hoping he would read between the lines. He knew Justin needed to focus on himself and his drinking for now, but he had every intention of having Justin back in the loft one day. He would just have to be patient until the time was right.

“Are you saying that we could…” Justin stopped mid sentence, afraid to ask what Brian thought their future held.

“Let’s just work on getting you better for now. We can deal with everything else later, okay?” Brian wanted nothing more than to open up to Justin and admit his feelings, but he knew it was not the time. Justin had a long road ahead of him and he didn’t need the added stress of a relationship. ‘Shit! Did I just say the R word? I’m fucked!’ he thought to himself as he pulled Justin closer.

“Okay, Brian, and thanks again for being here.” Justin said, enjoying the feel of being in Brian’s arms.

“Anything for you, Sunshine. I’ll always be here when you need me.” Brian replied, knowing there was no place else he’d rather be.

End of Part 6

10/13/03

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