12 Steps to Happiness

Part 4

 

Daphne paced the small waiting room hoping to get some information on Brian’s condition. The nurse at the desk informed her that the doctor would be out to speak with her as soon as he finished running the required tests, but assured her that Brian had regained consciousness in the ambulance. As she walked back and forth she kept an eye of Justin, who still hadn’t spoken a word since the fall. He had a far away look in his eyes and Daphne was really starting to worry about him. She knew without a doubt that the fall was an accident. There was no way Justin would ever do anything to intentionally hurt Brian. He was still in love with him. Her thoughts were interrupted by the nurse who was calling her name.

“Miss Chanders, you may go in and see Mr. Kinney now. I told him you were out here waiting for him and he’s asking for you,” the nurse explained as she led Daphne to the area Brian was in.

Daphne looked back at Justin and noticed that he made no attempt to follow her in, but she didn’t have time to worry about him right now. Her first priority was to make sure Brian was okay. When she entered his cubicle he was surprised to see him sitting up looking a lot better then he did while he was being loaded into the ambulance. The only signs of the fall were a small bandage on his forehead, a slight bruise on his right cheek, and a large ace bandage on his left ankle. She let out a sigh of relief before speaking.

“Brian! How are you feeling? Are you okay?” She asked as she approached the bed.

“I’m fine. I have a slight concussion, a few stitches in the head and a sprained ankle. The doctor said I will be as good as new in no time. I just have to wait for a few more test results while they get a room ready for me. I wanted to go back to the hotel but he said that since I was alone they wanted to keep me over night just in case, so I guess I’m stuck here.” Brian replied, hating the feeling of being trapped in the hospital.

“What do you mean you’re alone? You are going to stay with us. I can’t let you go back to that hotel room alone like this. I’ll tell the doctor that you are staying with us so he will release you, then tomorrow we will go get you checked out of the hotel and all settled in. I feel terrible about what happened and taking care of you will make me feel better.” She explained, knowing that it was the least she could do. She felt so responsible for the fall. If she didn’t call Brian about Justin, or even called him sooner, before Justin got so lost, none of this would have happened.

“Thanks for the offer Daphne, but I’m not sure if that’s a good idea. I don’t think Justin would be happy to have me at the apartment.” Brian said, wondering where the blond was and if he was alright. Brian knew that the fall was an accident. He knew there was no way Justin would push him down a flight of stairs on purpose and he didn’t want to add guilt to the long list of emotions that were eating away at him.

“Fuck Justin! Look Brian, I don’t want to hear any arguments. You are coming home with us and that’s the end of it.” Daphne ordered with a smile on her face.

“Us? Justin’s here? Where is he?” Brian asked, looking around as if he had somehow missed seeing him.

“Uh, he’s in the waiting room. Brian, I’m really worried about him. I think he’s in shock. He hasn’t said a word since you fell. It’s like he’s in a trance or something. The whole time the paramedics were getting you ready and carrying you out, all he did was sit at the top of the stairs and watch. When I grabbed my keys and asked him if he was coming, he stood up and walked to the car, but still wouldn’t respond to me when I talked to him. Just now, when the nurse came to tell me I could see you he just sat there. I don’t even know if he heard her. I know he never meant for this to happen. He feels so bad that I think he’s shutting down completely. I’m really getting scared for him,” Daphne cried with tears in her eyes. Now that she knew that Brian was okay she was able to focus on the problems with Justin.

“Look Daphne, I know Justin didn’t mean for this to happen. It was an accident. Neither one of us realized where we were standing. I’m not blaming him but I’m sure he is blaming himself. I need to talk to him. See if you can get him to come in and see me. The doctor won’t be back for at least a half hour. He’s waiting on some final tests before he does anything. I want him to know that I don’t blame him for this. The last thing he needs right now is guilt. Go find him and I’ll wait here.” He joked, trying to hide his uneasiness at the situation. He was afraid he wasn’t going to be able to get through to Justin but he knew he needed to try.

“Alright, I’ll try.” Daphne replied as she turned away to go find Justin. She found him standing by the window of the waiting room, looking out into the dark night.

“Justin. Are you okay?” She asked tentatively, unsure of what the best approach would be.

“Oh God, Daph. I didn’t mean it. I would never do anything to hurt Brian. I love him so much. I didn’t know we were so close to the stairs. It was an accident. I swear I didn’t mean it.” Justin sobbed as he threw himself into Daphne’s waiting arms. He had been trying to hold back his emotions since he was forced to watch the man he loves fall down the stairs, but he couldn’t hold back anymore. The pain was just too much.

“I know, Sweetie, I know. It’s okay. Brian is going to be fine. In fact, he’s asking for you. He wants to see you.” Daphne soothed, trying to take away some of the pain that her best friend was feeling.

“No! I can’t go see him. He must hate me by now. I was so mean to him earlier, and then I pushed him down a flight of stairs. No. I can’t see him. I need to get out of here!” Justin exclaimed with panic in his voice. He couldn’t go see Brian now. Not after what happened. He wouldn’t be able to stand the hatred he knew he would see in those hazel eyes.

“Justin! Calm down. Everything is going to be okay, I promise. But you need to go see Brian. He’s waiting for you. He doesn’t blame you for this. He knows it was an accident. You can’t keep running from him. Especially since he is going to be staying with us for awhile.” Daphne said, hoping to calm Justin down a bit. She didn’t like the look of fear that she saw in his eyes.

“He’s staying with us?” Justin asked with horror. How was he supposed to keep a safe distance from the man if he was staying in the same apartment?

“Of course he’s staying with us. He has a slight concussion, not to mention a sprained ankle. What was I supposed to do? Send him back to his empty hotel room to sit by himself until he recovers? I don’t think so Justin and I know you wouldn’t want that either. So pull yourself together because you’re going to have to face him.” Daphne demanded.

After giving Justin a few minutes to calm down, Daphne led Justin back to where Brian was waiting.

“Hey Brian. I’m going to go to the cafeteria. Do either of you want anything?” She asked, wanting to give them some time alone.

“Nothing for me, Daph. This pain shit they gave me is all that I need right now.” Brian replied with a chuckle, trying to break some of the tension he could feel throughout the room.

“Justin?” She asked.

“Uh…no. I’m okay.” He replied, knowing that she was leaving them alone so they could talk and hating her for it. The last thing he wanted to do was to talk to Brian right now. What he really wanted was another drink, but he would have to wait until later for that.

“Okay. I’ll be back” She said in a cheerful voice before leaving the two men alone.

Brian looked over at Justin and could see the pain and fear in his eyes. He wished there was something he could do to take it all away, but he wasn’t stupid enough to think that he could wave a magic wand and make everything better. He was just hoping that his fall was enough to shock Justin into realizing he had a problem. Brian would gladly take a tumble down the stairs if it brought his Sunshine back.

“Brian. I…” Justin stopped, not sue of what to say.

“It’s okay, Justin. It was an accident. I know you didn’t mean for this to happen. You would never do anything to hurt me.” Brian explained, hoping the boy believed him.

Justin hurled himself into Brian’s arms, unable to hold back the tears he swore he wouldn’t shed. It felt so good to be in those arms again and Justin relished in the feel of the embrace he missed so much. He continued to sobbed, listening to the soothing words that Brian was whispering. Justin would never forgive himself for hurting Brian, but at least he knew the man was okay. Neither man knew how long they shared their embrace and were both startled when they heard Daphne approach.

“Hey guys. I just talked to the nurse and let her know that we were taking you home with us Brian. She’s going to tell the doctor and have your release papers ready so once the rest of your test results come back you will be able to leave. Do you want me to give you more time alone?” She asked, sorry that she had walked in on such a tender moment. It felt good to see them together again and it gave her hope that just maybe the worst was behind them and they could get things back on track again.

Brian was about to suggest that they needed more time alone and was shocked when he heard Justin refuse.

“That’s okay Daph. We were done anyway. I need to go find a bathroom. I’ll be back.” Justin replied then turned and headed out before anyone could comment. He needed to get away from Brian before he did something stupid like apologizing for leaving and begging Brian to let him come back. He knew better. Brian always said sorry was bullshit. The last thing he needed was to hear that mantra again.

“Well? What happened? Did you get a chance to talk to him?” Daphne asked, curious as to what went on while she was gone.

“No. I told him it wasn’t his fault and he broke down and threw himself into my arms, but that was it. I don’t know what’s going through his mind. I don’t think he believed me when I said it wasn’t his fault. I was really hoping that this would make him wake up and see the problem he has, but I don’t think it has. Let’s just get out of here and we will see what happens next. I just have a bad feeling about all of this.” Brian said just as the doctor made an appearance.

“Okay Brian. All the tests we ran came back good. You should have a speedy recovery and be back to your normal self in no time. I am giving you a prescription for an anti-inflammatory. Make sure you follow the directions and finish the bottle. I also suggest that when you get back home you follow up with your doctor. I faxed him a copy of your file so he knows what happened. The nurse will be here in a few minutes with your discharge papers and your crutches. I want you to stay off your ankle completely for the next three days, then gradually start applying pressure with the aid of the crutches. After about a week you should be able to get around on your own, but keep the ankle wrapped for extra support. You were very lucky that you only suffered a small sprain. I would advise that next time you are at the top of a staircase you be more careful. Maybe the next time you could put on a light so you can see where you are going. Take care Brian, and good luck. Give us a call if you have any problems.” The doctor said as he shook Brian’s hand and made his exit.

“What did you tell him about the fall?” Daphne asked.

“I wasn’t going to tell them that I was accidentally pushed. I told them it was dark and I tripped. There was no need for them to know about Justin’s part in this. It’s no body’s damn business. Do me a favor and go find that nurse. I need to get the hell out of here.” Brian demanded, needing a cigarette in the worst way. His emotions were shot and he once again cursed himself for breaking his rules and letting Justin get close in the first place. He had no place in his life for emotions. It caused nothing but trouble.

“Yes sir! Anything you say sir!” Daphne joked with a salute. She could see that the evening was taking a toll on Brian. He suddenly looked very tired and she tried to lighten his mood as she went in search of his nurse. She was shocked to find Justin standing right outside.

“Hey. I was wondering where you disappeared to. Are you okay?” She asked, still worried about the far away look in his eyes.

“Brian told the doctor that he tripped? He’s still trying to protect me, even after what I did?” Justin asked, surprised by what he heard. He couldn’t believe that Brian would still try to protect him after everything that he had done to him. It just made Justin more confused then ever. He was coming down off the Beam he had at Larry’s and really needed another drink, but now that Brian was staying with them it was going to be even harder to get away. He had to think of something soon. He needed that drink.

“Justin, Brian cares about you. Why do you think he’s here? He’s worried about you. Just like I am. Please just talk to him and listen to what he has to say. We only want what’s best for you. Now I am going to find the nurse so we can get out of here. Go see if he needs any help getting dressed. I’ll be right back.” Daphne said as she walked away.

An hour later, Daphne and Justin were getting Brian settled on the couch. They figured it would be easier then trying to get him upstairs to the spare room. Once he was settled and had everything he needed, Daphne said goodnight and made her way up to bed. She was exhausted from the evening’s activities and wanted to curl up in bed and go to sleep. She already planned on ditching classes the next day to help Brian check out of the hotel and since she had tomorrow night off from work, she was looking forward to a day where she didn’t have anywhere to be. Since moving to New Jersey and enrolling in school those days were few and far between. Maybe between she and Brian they could try to get through to Justin again. She drifted off to sleep, looking forward to spending the day with her two favorite men.

Justin looked over at Brian guiltily and once again thought about how much he loved the man. He knew that they had no future. Brian would never forgive him for what he had done and it broke his heart. He really wished it was early enough to go to Larry’s, but since it was a Monday night all the local bars closed up early. He was startled as Brian’s voice broke into his thoughts.

“Justin, I really think we need to talk. Don’t you?” He asked, trying once again to get the boy to listen. He was so tired from the pain medication but didn’t want to wait until later for their talk. Apparently Justin had other ideas.

“Look Brian. You need your sleep. I can see how tired you are. We can talk in the morning. I’m going up to bed. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He replied as he walked away. He knew he was being unfair agreeing to talk in the morning since he already planned to be gone long before the talk got underway, but he just wanted to satisfy Brian for the moment. He would worry about everything else later.

As much as Brian wanted to push the issue, he didn’t have it in him. He could feel himself drift off to sleep even before Justin made it up the stairs.

The next morning Daphne got up and showered, looking in on a sleeping Justin before heading downstairs. She was glad to see he was still sleeping since she knew he hadn’t been getting much sleep lately. She crept quietly downstairs, not wanting to wake Brian if he was asleep, but saw that he was not only awake, but seemingly ready to go.

“Good morning Brian. How did you sleep?” She asked as she took a seat opposite him.

“Like a log. That demoral is some good shit. Is Justin still sleeping?” He asked, anxious for their talk.

“Yeah. He hasn’t been sleeping well lately so I want him to sleep as long as he can. How about we go get your stuff and on the way home we can stop at the store to get eggs and milk. I’ll make brunch for us when we get back.” Daphne suggested.

“That sounds good. I need a shower and I need my clothes. Do you think Justin will be okay till we get back?” Brian asked, concerned about leaving him home alone.

“I think so. I am hoping he will sleep for awhile. I think last night tired us all out. I can’t believe it’s 11:00 and I just got up. That is so not like me. Well let’s go so we can get back quickly. I’ll just leave Justin a note and let him know where we went.” She replied as she went in search of something to write on. Once that was done she helped Brian to the car and they were on their way.

Justin stayed in bed pretending to be sleeping until he heard Brian and Daphne leave, then he jumped up for a quick shower. Larry’s would be open by noon and he had every intention of being their first customer. He was thankful that Daphne didn’t know his hang out. The last thing he wanted was to have her track him down like a jilted wife, and she would never think to look for him at a straight bar when there were quite a few gay bars in the area. He laughed at the thought as he got ready to go.

By 12:00 he was on a barstool at Larry’s talking to Butch, his favorite bartender.

“Give me a double beam.” He said, anxious to get the drink in his hand.

“It’s a little early for that, isn’t it Justin?” Butch asked. He noticed that Justin had been spending more time in the bar lately and was starting to worry about him. He knew as soon as he met Justin a couple of months ago that he was having troubles but didn’t think anything of it at the time. Everyone who walked through the front door had their share of trouble but Butch took an instant liking to the kid and he wished there was something he could do to help. Having lost his younger brother to suicide a few years back, he was more aware of people’s feelings, and this one worried him. Unfortunately there was nothing he could do except try to be his sounding board if things got back. That’s what bartenders do and Butch was hoping to get the kid to open up soon before things got to out of hand and Justin ended up in the same position as his brother.

“After the night I had, I need it. Just keep them coming.” Justin ordered, pushing aside thoughts of his best friend and the man he loved.

Butch sighed as he went to get Justin’s drink. He didn’t like the way his day was starting out. He had a feeling it was going to be a long day.

Brian and Daphne got back to the apartment a little after 12:00 and the first thing Daphne did was go check on Justin. Her heart dropped when she realized he was gone. She really thought that he would stick around for them to get back but she should have known better. She realized that he was probably awake when she looked in on him, waiting for them to leave so he could sneak away. She slowly walked down the steps to break the news to Brian.

“He’s gone.” She said in a soft voice.

“Fuck!” Brian replied, wondering what it was going to take for Justin to see that he had a problem. He felt helpless and didn’t like not having control. ‘Once I get through to the kid and get him the help he needs, I’m going to ring his neck’ he thought to himself as he sat back on the couch to await his Sunshine’s return. It was going to be a long day.

End of part 4

8/22/03

Return to 12 Steps to Happiness