12 Steps to Happiness

Part 2

Brian found himself in a small hotel in New Jersey by late afternoon. He unpacked his clothes, glancing at his clock every few minutes. Daphne had the night off but Justin had to work at 6:00 so Brian was going over to their apartment to get the whole story. He needed to know what he was dealing with before he made a move. At 5:30, he left the hotel, heading towards the address Daphne had given him. He parked down the street waiting for Justin to leave. He knew he wouldn’t be recognized since Justin didn’t know that he had switched from the jeep to the corvette. Finally the blond appeared, and Brian couldn’t help the ache in his chest when he saw the boy for the first time in a year. His hair was a little longer then it had been which made him look even sexier and Brian felt a tightening in his groin at the sight. Once Justin was down the street, Brian got out of the car and approached the front door. He was startled when the door flew open and Daphne jumped into his arms.

“Oh Brian, I am so happy to see you. I have been so worried about Justin and I didn’t know what else to do. I’ve tried to talk to him but he won’t listen. He just keeps telling me that he is fine and there is nothing to worry about. You are my only hope!” Daphne exclaimed, pulling Brian into the small apartment. She had been worrying all day about her decision to call Brian, but now that he as there, she felt some of the stress and fear of the last few months begin to ease. She didn’t feel like she was alone anymore.

“Okay Daphne, slow down and start from the beginning. I need to know what happened before I can decide what to do next.” Brian said as he was lead into the modest living room. He looked around and was surprised to find a framed sketch of him and Gus on the wall. He didn’t know when Justin had done the sketch, but he wondered what it meant that it was hanging in the living room. Brian just stood there staring at it as if it could give him the answers he needed. He was startled when Daphne came up behind him.

“You know, he still loves you. He would kill me if he knew I was telling you this, but you are all he ever thinks about. That’s what started the problem to begin with.” Daphne told him after deciding to tell him everything. She wasn’t going to hold anything back, figuring he needed to know exactly what was going on with Justin.

“What do you mean that’s what started the problem to begin with? He left me, remember?” Brian asked, trying to ignore the touch of excitement he felt when Daphne said that Justin still loved him. In the last year, Brian was beginning to think that Justin had never cared for him like he claimed. If he had cared, then why did he walk away without looking back? Brian knew that he had pushed Justin away with the stunt he pulled at the Rage party, but he did it for Justin’s sake. It was obvious that Ethan was good for the boy and Brian wanted him to live a little. He didn’t want to tie the teen down when he was just beginning his life, but Brian never expected the boy to take off without a word to anyone. He knew the relationship with Ethan would never last but he figured that after they broke up, Justin would spend some time on his own fucking around, before coming back home…to the loft. He wasn’t supposed to leave the Pitts to start a new life away from his family. It had taken Brian a long time to face the reality that Justin didn’t care about him enough to try to stay in contact, but he finally did face it. Now here he was, finding out that everything he had believed was wrong. If what Daphne said was true, the boy cared more then Brian thought.

“Look Brian, I can tell by the look on your face that you seemed surprised by what I just told you. Sit down and let me start from the beginning. Would you like something to drink?” Daphne asked as Brian took a seat. She was nervous about telling Brian how bad things had been, but she knew it had to be done and she would stop at nothing to help her best friend.

“No thanks, I’m good. Let’s just get this done so we can plan our next move.” Brian said, just wanting to get this over with. He had a feeling he wasn’t going to like what he was about to hear.

“Okay. After Justin broke up with Ethan on the night of the party, he called me and said he needed me. When I found him on Liberty Avenue he was a mess. He said he loved you and would do anything for you, but that he couldn’t stick around being a convenient fuck while you continued tricking with everything that moves. Sorry, they were his words. Anyway, I told him to make sure he knew what he was doing because there was no turning back, but he said he had no choice. He asked me if he could move in with me. He thought it would be too hard to be in the same town as you. I could see that his heart was breaking and I just wanted to make everything better for him, so we moved here.” Daphne said as she looked out the window, reflecting on when they first moved in together. She remembered hearing Justin cry himself to sleep at night, but she assumed that he just needed some time and space before moving on. She couldn’t believe how wrong she had been.

“How was he when you first got here?” Brian asked. His emotions were all jumbled by what Daphne had told him so far.

“At first, things weren’t too bad. I knew he was distraught by being away from you, but I thought he would get over it. Every night we would sit around, drink a couple of beers, and talk. He would tell me about all the good times you two had, but I could see the pain in his eyes as he tried to forget the bad. I just let him talk, thinking that it would help him get through it all. Then one night, after we had been here for about 2 months, I came home from work and found him sitting in the dark, crying. He had the night off and apparently, he decided to start drinking without me. He had a bottle of Jim Beam in his hand and he seemed so far away. He told me that he made the biggest mistake of his life when he left you and he would never forgive himself for walking away. I tried to calm him down. I told him to call you and see if you were still upset with him, but he refused. He said there was no way you would talk to him after what he did and he knew he couldn’t handle the rejection. Then he just seemed to lose control, saying that he threw away the only thing that mattered to him and he didn’t think he could live the rest of his life without you. He cried himself to sleep in my arms that night. I told myself that if things didn’t seem better in the morning I was going to call you myself, but when he woke up everything seemed to be okay, so I never called. I didn’t realize at the time that his way of coping was to shut off his emotions completely.” Daphne took a deep breath and wiped away the tears that started to fall. As she thought back over the last year she saw the mistake she made in allowing Justin’s behavior to continue without talking to someone.

Brian just sat there in stunned silence, unable to comprehend what Daphne was telling him. All this time, Brian had assumed that Justin had just pushed him out of his thoughts when he walked out of his life. Finding out that the blond still loved him was almost more then he could take. He shook his head to clear his thoughts until he was alone to think about all he was learning. “What happened after that? Was that when he started drinking more?” Brian asked, needing to hear the rest of the story.

“I think so. I didn’t notice anything at first because the changes were subtle, but when I think back on it now, I can see how things started to change. He slowly became more depressed, never wanting to go out with the few friends we made, choosing to stay home and drink alone. He was still drinking beer, but the amount he was consuming began to increase. I tried to get him to slow down. He would just tell me to mind my own business. He said he just needed to get over you and then he would stop, but until, then he had to find a way to get through the day. I guess if I thought about it some more, I might have realized how wrong that sounded, but we are talking about Justin. He was always so smart when it came to these things. I figured that if it helped him get through the day to know he could unwind at night with a few beers, who was I to stop him. A few months ago, I came home from work late and found him once again with a bottle of beam. He said he had a bad day and needed something a little stronger. I was really beginning to worry then, but again, I didn’t do anything. He was still getting up in the morning and working on his art, and then going to work each night so I kept my eye on him, waiting to see what happened next. I had begged him to talk to Jennifer, but he refused to call her. I was still trying to get him to stop drinking, but he would still just tell me he needed it to get through the pain and that it was none of my business. About three weeks ago, I woke up and found him passed out on the couch with an empty bottle next to him. I freaked out on him and told him I was calling his mom, but he broke down that day and cried. He told me that he still missed you so much and he couldn’t believe that after all this time he couldn’t put his past behind him. I held him while he cried and believed every promise he made to stop drinking so much. I was fool enough to think that he meant what he said.” Daphne cried, unable to look Brian in the eyes for fear of the disappointment she thought she would see. Her guilt was overwhelming and she wanted to run away, but took a deep breath, knowing she had to continue. She was startled when Brian spoke.

“Daphne, this is not your fault. Justin is a big boy now. He is responsible for what he does, not you. I grew up with an alcoholic and believe me when I tell you there was nothing anyone could do to stop his drinking. Don’t blame yourself.” Brian said in a comforting manner. He didn’t want to see Daphne beating herself up over what was happening. If Justin had a real drinking problem, then it wasn’t anyone’s fault. Alcoholism was a disease that most people have no control over. He needed to get professional help before he hit rock bottom and Brian was going to see that he got it. Yet for some reason, in the back of his mind, he couldn’t help but blame himself. If he hadn’t pushed the boy away, none of this would have happened.

“Do you really think he’s an alcoholic? I mean, yeah, he’s drinking a lot, but he still goes to work everyday and lives his life. He’s not sleeping on the streets and stealing money for alcohol.” Daphne pointed out, not wanting to believe that Justin was in that deep. Yeah, he liked to drink, but that didn’t mean that he couldn’t stop if he wanted to. He just needed to put the pain aside and move on.

“Daphne, unlike in the movies, alcoholics don’t necessarily drink morning till night and sleep in the streets. There is a thing as a functioning alcoholic. They live somewhat normal lives working and going to school just like the rest of us. The only difference is that they can’t just social drink. They don’t have a beer or two before bed and go on. Alcoholics don’t even have to drink everyday, it is just that once they start drinking, they can’t stop. The problem is that usually things will fall apart eventually. They will depend on the alcohol more and more until it causes serious problems in their lives. I have a feeling that Justin is headed in that direction and we need to find a way to help him. I take it that after your last talk things didn’t get better.” Brian stated, already knowing the answer.

“No. For a few days he seemed to ease up a little. He was still drinking the hard stuff, but he would only drink a little before going up to bed. About three nights later, I was having trouble sleeping so I came downstairs to get a glass of water and I saw him sitting at the table with the bottle in his hand. I realized that he was just waiting until I fell asleep before coming back down to pick up where he left off. I went back upstairs quietly and watched the next couple nights as he continued to sneak around hiding his drinking. When I confronted him he went crazy, telling me that if I cared about him I would just leave him alone. He threatened to move out if I didn’t stop nagging him. I backed off because he was so upset. I have never seen him like that before. The next day, I left for school at my usual time, but forgot one of my books. When I came home to get it, I found him sitting in the kitchen lost in thought. He had the bottle opened on the table. It was 8:00 in the morning. I spent the last couple of weeks watching him slip further away from me and I was so scared. I knew I had to do something, but I didn’t think calling Jennifer was the answer. Last night I lay awake, trying to figure out what to do when it hit me. I had to call you. If there is anyone out there that might be able to help, it’s you. Brian, he still loves you so much. You have to talk to him and make him see that he can’t keep going on like this. I know you said he wasn’t your problem anymore, but if you have ever cared for him, you have to help him. Please!” Daphne lost what little control she had and started sobbing, unable to hold back anymore.

“Daphne, it’s going to be okay. I’m not as heartless as everyone thinks I am. I took an extended leave from work and I will do whatever it takes to see that Justin gets the help he needs. Don’t worry. You are not alone anymore.” Brian said softly, as he took the sobbing girl in his arms. Now that he knew the whole story, he realized how serious the situation was and cursed himself for not finding Justin as soon as he disappeared.

“What are we going to do now?” Daphne asked as she sat back and wiped her eyes. She felt a little better now that she was able to share everything with Brian.

“I think the first thing to do would be for me to drop by for a visit and see what happens. I won’t let on that I talked to you. I’ll tell him I was in the neighborhood and see how he reacts. Once we see his reaction, we can decide what to do from there. What time do you leave for school in the morning?” Brian asked, his mind running through possible scenarios. He still couldn’t help the guilt he was feeling and needed to make things better for Justin.

“I leave at 7:30 tomorrow, but I’ll be back by 11:00 since I only have one class on Mondays. Just be careful Brian, he’s nothing like the Justin you used to know. I hope this works because I don’t know how much more he can take.” Daphne explained, wondering what Justin’s reaction is going to be when he sees Brian on the doorstep.

“We’ll just take this one step at a time. I’ll call you tomorrow and let you know what happens, and then we can decide where to go next, okay? In the mean time, try to relax. It’s going to be a long ride. He’s going to need all the support he can get.” Brian replied as he headed for the door. He needed to get back to his hotel and absorb all he just learned. His mind was having trouble wrapping itself around all the information Daphne had given him and he needed to get his head together before his reunion in the morning. He wanted to have a clear head when he confronted the young man.

“Thanks again for coming here, Brian. I really appreciate this.” Daphne said as she hugged the man for the second time that day.

“Daphne, like I said before, I’m not the heartless shit everyone thinks I am. Justin needs me. Where else would I be?” Brian asked rhetorically before turning and walking away.

Daphne watched the man walk away and knew she made the right decision. It was obvious that Brian still loved Justin and she hoped that once Justin got through his problems, they would be able to get back together where they belonged.

Brian was sitting by the window in his hotel thinking back on his time with Justin. It seemed like so long ago since he had the blond in his arms and he couldn’t believe how much had changed in the last year. Everything Daphne had told him lead him to the conclusion that Justin’s problem was serious and Brian hoped that he had what it took to get through to him. Time had seemed to pass unnoticed until Brian realized it was almost midnight. He took a quick shower and went to bed, knowing he had a long day ahead of him. He wanted to be well rested when he faced his Sunshine in the morning. He drifted off to sleep with thoughts of Justin running through his head, just like every other night since he had walked away.

Daphne made sure she was sleeping when Justin got home. She didn’t want him to see the guilty look on her face. Even though she knew she had no choice, she couldn’t help feeling like she had betrayed her best friend by calling Brian. When her alarm when off the next morning she dragged herself in the shower and got ready for school, trying not to think about what was going to happen when Brian showed up. As she walked downstairs she prepared herself for the sight she knew awaited her. Sure enough, Justin was once again passed out on the couch with a half empty bottle beside him. She felt tears sting her eyes but pushed them away and finished getting ready telling herself that everything would be okay. She grabbed her backpack and started for the door when Justin spoke, causing her to jump.

“Hey, you were sleeping when I got home last night. Is everything alright?” Justin slurred, still feeling the effects of the beam he had the night before. He knew that Daphne wasn’t happy with all the drinking he had been doing, but she just didn’t understand how hard it was for him. Brian plagued his thoughts everyday and then again when he was sleeping at night. He needed to drink to keep the nightmares away. Once he was able to get over Brian, he would stop drinking so much, but until then he needed to do what he could to get by.

“Everything is fine. I was just tired last night, that’s all. I have to get going. I need to talk to one of my professors before my class. I‘ll see you later.” Daphne said, as she walked out the door. She needed to get out, hoping that Justin didn’t notice how nervous she was. She had been a wreck since she woke up, worrying about what Justin’s reaction to Brian was going to be. She knew that she was going to have a problem concentrating on her class and thought about just staying home but decided to go anyway and give the two men time to talk about what was going on.

Justin noticed that Daphne seemed a little distant, but shook the thoughts away heading for the bathroom. He splashed some cold water on his face to try to wash away the pain he always felt when he woke up alone. When is it going to get better? When will I be able to get through one day without thinking about Brian? Justin pushed away his thoughts as he headed back to the living room. He grabbed the bottle from the night before and brought it to his lips, needing to feel the familiar numbness that only beam could give him. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just put Brian behind me and move on? Justin continued to sit there drowning his troubles and was startled by a knocking on the door. He didn’t bother to put down the bottle as he went to answer the door. As he opened the door, his heart seemed to stop beating by what he saw. Brian stood on the other side looking better then ever.

“Hey, Sunshine. Are you going to invite me in or do I have to stand out here all day?” Brian asked, unable to believe the vision before him. Justin stood there in shock with a bottle of beam in his hand. He had dark circles under his eyes and Brian could see that he had lost a lot of weight in the last year. If Brian didn’t know any better, he would swear that Justin was sick and he felt fear grip him as he realized how bad things actually were. Even after Daphne had told him all that had happened, Brian wasn’t prepared for what he was seeing.

“Bri…Brian? What are you doing here?” Justin asked, wondering if this was another one of his nightmares. He couldn’t believe that after all this time, Brian was standing on his doorstep.

“I was in the neighborhood and thought I’d drop by and say hello.” Brian said as he brushed past Justin and walked into the living room. He needed a minute to get pass the shock he experienced at seeing Justin looking so tired and run down.

“Brian…” Justin tried to speak but his brain couldn’t seem to put his thoughts together. All he could do was stand there and stare at the man in front of him. If anything, Brian was even more beautiful then he was a year ago. Justin felt an enormous pain grip his heart at all he had thrown away. He was overcome by emotion and felt his knees go weak. He didn’t know if he had the strength to walk to the couch and felt Brian’s arms catch his as his knees began to buckle under him.

“Take it easy, Sunshine.” Brian said as he helped the blond to the couch. He could see the mixed emotions playing on Justin’s face and wondered if he should have called first. Well, it was too late for that now, so Brian was just going to have to stick to his original plan and see what happens from there.

“I don’t understand. Why are you here? Did Daphne call you?” Justin asked. He couldn’t imagine that Brian was in the neighborhood like he claimed. Did Daphne betray me and call Brian to complain about my drinking? Was it even possible that Brian would come all this way to see me? So many questions were running through his head that he thought he would go insane. Without conscious thought he brought the bottle back to his lips, unaware of the look of horror that crossed the other man’s face.

“Isn’t it a little early for that, Sunshine? Even I start out my day with coffee first before I switch to the hard stuff.” Brian replied, trying to make light of the situation.

“Daphne did call you, didn’t she? She told you that I was a fall down mess and needed your help! Well, I don’t need your help! I’m not your responsibility anymore! Just go back to Pittsburgh and your tricks and forget all about me! I am fine!” Justin exclaimed before running upstairs away from the man he loved. He couldn’t believe that Daphne would betray him like that, but he knew in his heart that she called him. He threw himself on his bed and let the tears flow, not caring about anything but stopping the pain that was engulfing him. He didn’t hear anyone approach him and jumped when he felt the bed move as Brian sat down alongside of him.

“Justin, please don’t be mad at her. She’s worried about you and now that I am here, I’m worried about you, too. Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on.” Brian pleaded, needing to get the boy to open up to him. In the last year, Brian had grown up a lot and he knew that he needed to get Justin to talk about what he was feeling. It was the only way to get through all the pain and heartache Justin had bottled up inside.

“Nothing is going on. I just want everyone to leave me alone. Is that too much to ask? You didn’t care about me when I was living with you in the loft. Why would you care now? Get out Brian! Go back home and forget that you ever met me! I don’t want to see you again!” Justin yelled, not caring about the tears running down his face.

Brian knew that he needed to leave. The reunion didn’t go as he had hoped. He needed to back off for the moment and decide what to do next. One thing he was sure of is that he wasn’t going back to Pittsburgh, and he sure as hell wasn’t going to forget he ever met the blond. He would go back to his hotel and regroup, but he wouldn’t walk away.

“I’ll go for now, Sunshine, but I’m not going away for long. I care about you more then you will ever know and I won’t look the other way while you destroy your life. I will be back and you better be ready to talk!” Brian exclaimed, before walking out the door. He was still in shock by how easy it had been to admit that he cared and wondered if all this mess couldn’t have been avoided if he had just admitted his feelings when they were still together. Well, he couldn’t live his life with regrets. The past was the past and it was time to move on to the future. He needed to bring his Sunshine back and that was all that mattered at the moment.

Justin couldn’t believe what he had just heard. Brian had claimed that he cared, but Justin knew better. Brian was just feeling guilty because poor little Justin was having problems and he thought it was his responsibility to take care of things. Well, Justin wasn’t his problem anymore and he wouldn’t allow Brian to swoop in and try to make things right. There was no way Justin could allow Brian to become a part of his life again only to have him walk away when he felt his obligation was over. Justin knew that he would never survive losing Brian again. He curled up in a ball and cried himself to sleep.


End of part 2
7/29/02
 

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